Original subtitles

He likes his chin being tickled. Ripped By mstoll

And his chest.

You know how I know he likes it? Cos that little leg goes up.

He's sort of saying, "Thank you, that's my favouritest."

Can't push it down, not when he's enjoying himself.

Look, look, he's showing, "No, I'm enjoying it."

That leg, it's like a little signal. He's going, "Keep doing it.

"My leg's up. What does that tell you, Derek?"

It tells me he wants me to keep doing it. Correct.

I can't believe my luck when I sees Ivor.

I loves every dog in here. I loves every animal in here.

I loves every animal. But Ivor's my favouritest of all.

I don't know why.

It's unexplainable. It's just summat about him. Makes me feel funny.

Makes me feel funny in my throat and in my heart and everything,

and in my brain - all over, really.

He feels it in his leg.

My best day ever.

The... All the animals from the Medway Centre are in again,

and the old people cuddle them, and everything. It's good for them.

Good for the animals, good for the old people.

I cuddles them too. But we're also doing our own art class, ain't we, Kev?

- Yeah. - Erm, I... I'm doing both.

I'm playing with the animals and I'm... I'm trying to make Ivor.

But he keeps wriggling and running away, so it's difficult,

so I'm doing it from memory.

Look. That's my favourite bit, his little sausage tail.

Anyway, it's no good. I know it's no good but I likes doing it.

I'm not good. Kev's really good at art.

Cheers, mate. Always loved art since I was a little kid.

Thought I'd be able to do something with it,

but I found drink and lost my way a bit, I guess.

I've always been an artist.

Piss artist.

That's right, mate. Laugh at a bloke's addiction.

Addiction?

There's no such thing, is there?

It's just willpower, in't it? You know what I mean?

"Oh, I... I can't stop drinking."

Well, just stop drinking. You know what I mean?

"Drugs... drugs are killing me." Don't take drugs. It's that simple, innit?

"I'm a fat, greedy bastard." Don't eat all the cakes. You know what I mean?

I had a... a neighbour's kid, right?

He was, er... He was absolute tearaway at school, right?

They go, "Oh... oh, he's bipolar, he's dyslexic."

No, he's not. Moody little fucker can't read.

Ivor, sit down.

My elbows hurt a bit.

- Yeah, yeah, take a break. - Ooh.

Where's he gone now?

Keeps them busy, don't it?

Right, that's enough for today. Derek, we're going on a scavenger hunt.

- What for? - More stuff, more junk.

Not now. I wants to play with the animals.

The animals are going now anyway, Derek.

- Why? - Oh, Ivor gets so tired very quickly now.

- Does he? - He's got a checkup this afternoon.

- Oh! What's that? - Just a once-over, like an MOT.

Oh!

- MOT. - They're gonna check his blood, all that.

- Change the oil.

Bye, Ivor. Why isn't he jumping around?

- He's not himself, is he? - Not himself.

Say bye. Bye, Ivor.

OK. I... I ain't got long now. I can't collect scrap all day. I got a job.

Yeah, unlike you.

I'll choose to ignore that, mate, as my mind is on a higher plane.

- Is it? - Yeah, I'm an outsider artist.

Yeah, you should be outside, mate. You don't even work here.

No. No, what I mean is, I get, you know, found objects,

to create powerful sculptures.

It's going to be a robot.

Well, you're not doing it in here. It's dangerous.

- Oh, Kev, you can't have that in here. - Oh, fucking hell.

- It's GBH of the lugholes, in't it? - Come on.

- Take it down to Geoff's workshop. - No, I don't want it in there.

Right, take it outside Geoff's workshop, OK?

Jesus Christ!

- You can't leave it here. - Come on, Derek.

Look at this. I know.

- That catches someone... All right.

Unbelievable, innit? - Bet it could electrocutive shock.

Be careful, Derek.

That's cos I'm scuffling. I'm scuffling on the carpet. And there's metal...

See down there. Look at that. If that catches someone going by,

- and with dogs running about... Leave it out.

All right, leave it out!

- What? I'm just saying. - You can see he's doing it now, can't ya?

- He's doing it, he's doing it, OK? - All right, yeah.

I don't want to see that again.

Mind the telly!

What are you doing, then? What?

Are you getting on with anything? Or are you just going to...

I'm sorting this place out, mate. - Yeah

Getting rid of undesirables like that.

He's not undesirable. I likes him.

Yeah, you like everything, though, don't you?

- Better than not liking anything. - Yeah.

I'd rather like things than not like it, like you.

- What? I like things. - He's making me angry.

Come on. What?

- Lay off, Geoff, yeah? - Oh, sorry.

Have I wound him up? Have I touched a nerve? Sorry, mate.

Know what I mean? Common sense has just gone out the window in this place.

Does my head in, this place.

It is not conducive to building a fine sculpture of a robot.

With a monster cock.

I hate to agree with Geoff, but he has got a point, you know.

Kev shouldn't be here.

But he definitely shouldn't be here with a trolley full of saws and rusty old spikes.

I need to borrow the soldering iron, mate.

I can't let you have that.

- Shut up. - You're not qualified, mate.

- It's not yours, is it? - It's not yours either.

- Oh, really? - Don't lose it.

- Oh, don't lose it? - Yeah.

- Oh, really? Don't lose it? - Yeah.

I was going to take it upstairs and lose it, mate.

That's why I picked it up. I was going to lose it for you.

- What? - Prat.

- Is that what you find? - Yeah.

Yeah?

I mean, you know, this job is stressful enough,

without having to worry about Kev and his latest hobby.

You know, dragging in loads of contaminated junk.

I don't want to have to give a 90-year-old a tetanus jab.

And my personal life isn't going great, to be honest.

You know, Tom has just dropped a bombshell

that he's thinking about going back in the Merchant Navy.

So, I'm not having a good time at the moment.

Seriously, what's your problem? I need to work.

I don't see the point of a relationship

where you only see each other for a couple of weeks a year.

I don't want that. I'm going to make that clear.

You need to grow up.

- How is getting a job not growing up? - Because you're running away.

I'm not running away, I'll be going to earn some money,

and then I'll be coming home again, like normal people do.

Oh, right, so screw the relationship?

How is that screwing the relationship? That's helping our relationship.

- I thought we were trying for a baby. - We did try for a baby.

- Oh, we did? Right. - No, just...

That was it? That was my one chance?

- Who the fuck are you? Henry VIII? - I just...

What happened there?!

Right, just so that we're clear, if you decide to get on that boat,

then you have made a decision that we're splitting up, OK?

No, that is not my decision.

You're saying that if I get on the boat, then we're splitting up?

That's your decision.

Oh, right, so you have decided to get on the boat.

What is going on?

You're getting oil all over the place!

- Eh? - For fuck's sake!

Have a word with her, Tom. Pop a muzzle on it, mate.

- Kev, that's... - Well...

Oh, come off it! This is ridiculous.

He made me do it. He's making me...

You can't put this shit through an old people's home!

He's making a robot.

Yeah, I think Hannah's going through a lot at the moment.

I... I don't even know if I could do what she does.

I... I think she's a bit of a saint.

She proper takes the weight of the world on her shoulders.

D'you know what I mean, like?

I see her. She does everything here, like, she looks after them all.

She's always got a smile on her face. But I see her.

She does get stressed sometimes but she just deals with it. She's amazing.

This job comes with a lot of challenges,

and Kev's just one of them, to be honest.

Www.sweetheartsonline.com

Derek Noakes. There we are.

I knew it. "Sorry, your inbox is empty."

It's always going to be empty. No-one wants to go out with me.

You'll be all right, mate.

I know what it's like to feel down.

Believe it or not, I used to think I'd never make anything of my life.

- Is that it? That it finished? - Yep.

Thanks, Kev.

Poor Derek. Fancy having Kev as a life coach. That's bad news, innit?

I can't help him. I can't give him any advice.

What do I know about relationships?

You know, I've got to sort my own life out.

Need to talk to Tom about... what we're doing.

I don't want to scare him, don't want to lose him.

But, you know, I need to know that we've got a secure future or what's the point?

- That's what I'm trying to do. - But there are other things you could do.

I mean, it's her... it's her rule. It's... it doesn't make sense.

I should be able to earn a living. I... I need to earn a living.

I don't see why that means you can't have a relationship...

as well. I don't want to break up. I... I love her. I want to be with her.

But I want to...

...provide.

My dad's not very well so he wants his whisky.

Says it makes him feel better. He says it's his best medicine.

- Look, he's in bed. - And you lot can fuck off!

Sorry. He's perked up a bit, hasn't he?

- Derek, what's that? - What?

- What's that? - I ain't got nothing.

Come on.

- He can't have that.

He wants his whisky. He says it makes him feel better.

- He can't have whisky. - He says it's his best medicine.

It won't make him feel better. It will make him feel worse.

The doctor said no, and I said no. OK? You got to be cruel to be kind.

I'm going to confiscate this till he feels better.

What am I gonna say?

Oh!

- Where's the whisky?

Hannah cos-fiscated it, because...

You can't have it, cos you got to be cruel to be kind.

There were people on the Titanic who pushed away their pudding.

I don't know what that means, but you can't have your whisky.

Oh, for fuck's sake! I want my whisky!

I should've never allowed you to bring me here!

Now he's ill and angry.

Oh!

People always want to live a long life, live a fun life.

Yeah, if you don't smoke and drink, you live another ten years.

But they're the worst ten years.

Helps you forget things, don't it, drink?

That's why people drinks. Cos they want to feel better.

Why Kev drinks. I worries about Kev drinking.

I worry about my dad, but my dad's old.

Kev drinks too much. He's always drunk.

He don't hurt anyone, except for himself.

Everything's bad for you, but I won't judge people for having a drink.

I mean, life's hard.

But you have to know that you roll the dice.

It's your choice.

You take your chances.

Yeah, I drink. So what?

Deal with it.

I'm a drinker. It's what I do.

Beats my reality.

I don't push drink onto anyone so don't push your sobriety onto me, please.

Huh. I don't drink, I don't create. I don't create, I'm nobody.

Ah... l-I tried it.

When I was sober, I tried to make stuff.

Picked up a toaster. Didn't see anything.

Had a drink. Looked like a giant robot minge.

But, yeah, I like... I like doing my art. Yeah, gives me pleasure,

and, uh, it doesn't cause any harm, does it?

It's nice to express what's going on in my head.

I add a bit of beauty to the world, hopefully.

RoboCock.

Or Exsperminator.

Or Hard-On-D2.

OK. Yeah.

OK.

Well, we'll see you later.

Thanks. Bye.

Ivor's got to be put down.

He's got, um...

Oh, I've got to tell Derek.

Fuck.

He was playing with him today.

Derek?

- What? - I just had a phone call from Medway.

- Yeah? - You know that Ivor

was going for that checkup this afternoon?

Yeah.

It turns out that he's really not very well at all.

Why?

He's got cancer.

No, he hasn't.

He's really not very well, Derek, and they're going have to put...

Well, he's... What will they do? Will they...

- Will they give him summat? - They're going to put him down.

Why's...

He's not in any pain now. But if they don't do it, then he will be in pain.

And they just called to let you know, in case you wanted to go and see...

- Yeah, I do. - You want to go and be there.

When is it?

- It's this afternoon. - OK.

- Do you want me to come with you? - Yeah.

- OK. Do you want to get your stuff? - Yeah.

OK, darling.

- Kev, I can't help you with the... - It's all right.

- I gotta go. - All right.

Oh, Hannah, have you seen the ladle anywhere?

What?

The ladle. I can't find it. I've been looking for it all over.

Cheese grater's gone missing and all. Tea strainer I couldn't find earlier.

Well, I... I don't know what's going on, to be honest.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Things are really getting on top of me right now.

I mean, Kev's doing my head in.

Now he's actually stealing stuff from the home for his stupid sculptures.

That's got to stop.

And Tom. I mean, I don't know what's going on there, to be honest.

I think I might have blown that.

But, worst of all, lvor's got to be put down.

This is really not a good day.

Hello, Ivor. Hello, Ivor.

Good boy.

- Derek? - I'll take him down.

- Come on. - Come on, Ivor.

So, we just give him a little injection in his leg.

He won't feel a thing.

His body just gently slows down and then it will just pass very quietly.

Won't it, boy? That's a good boy.

We de... We definitely has to put him down, yeah?

I think it's the kindest thing.

When... When Jack had bad kidneys, we didn't put him down.

We tried to save him, didn't we?

- Of course we did. - Course we did.

But... Oh!

- I'll give Ivor my kidneys. You need your kidneys.

- I don't. I don't use 'em. - You do use them.

I don't. Rarely.

Well, I'm afraid that won't really work cos your kidneys are wrong for Ivor.

Sorry, Ivor, I've got the wrong kidneys.

And he won't feel a thing?

He won't feel a thing.

Sorry, Ivor!

I loves him.

He doesn't know what's going to happen, does he? He doesn't know.

He's my favouritest dog.

- Can I hold him when you does it? - Of course you can.

Just have to find a little vein on his leg.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's it. Good boy.

Good boy. There we are. Good boy.

Think of that, Derek. He had a life packed with nothing but fun.

And then it just ended in the most peaceful, gentle way,

- with his loved ones around him. - Yeah.

- Not one day of discomfort. - No.

- Mm? He's had the perfect life. - Thank you.

- Good boy.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Ah! Ivor's ball.

Ooh.

Don't you want to keep that, to remember Ivor by?

I'll never forget him. Ever.

Can you bury that with him?

I'm thinking if there is a heaven, he can play with that in heaven, can't he?

Yeah.

Geoff said pets aren't allowed in heaven, cos they've got no souls.

If that's true, I don't want to go. I'll go where the pets are.

Bye.

Bye-bye. - Bye.

Come on, then.

I'm going to walk back. I wants to think of Ivor.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I wanna walk.

- All right. See you in a bit. - Thank you.

- Bye. - Bye, darling.

He's good, isn't he, Kev?

He's a good friend.

I likes it when he surprises people.

He doesn't surprise me. I knows he's good.

I don't find anyone surprising, cos I always thinks everyone's surprising.

Do you know what I mean?

You can't ever... you can't ever think you know someone, cos they've got summat else.

You don't know when it's gonna happen.

Kev... Kev surprises you when he needs to.

It's great.

Poor Derek. He really is in a right state.

You made your decision, then?

I need to get a job. That's all I'm doing.

Tom, if you get on that boat, you've made a decision that we're splitting up.

- That's not... - OK.

- Bye, Nan. - Bye, darling.

Life goes on, don't it?

I mean, it's... it's his decision.

It's... it's better I found out now.

It's good.

Come on.

- Shouldn't film this. Ripped By mstoll