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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,030 --> 00:00:23,549 Yes! Ripped By mstoll 2 00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,902 That's wee stick. 3 00:00:27,990 --> 00:00:30,743 First day on the job... 4 00:00:30,790 --> 00:00:32,064 Officially. 5 00:00:38,350 --> 00:00:41,262 - Hannah's pregnant! - What he said. 6 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:42,425 Derek! 7 00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:45,109 Look. She has to wee there, and if it's pregnant 8 00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:46,822 it goes a little cross, and there's a little cross. 9 00:00:46,870 --> 00:00:50,101 So his testicles works! She's having a baby. 10 00:00:51,350 --> 00:00:53,341 How long was that a secret? 11 00:00:53,390 --> 00:00:55,904 I bet my wee was still warm on the stick! 12 00:01:00,510 --> 00:01:04,059 Oh, nice one, you guys. I knew you could do it. 13 00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:06,670 - Thank you. Everyone just calm down. - Shall we tweet that? 14 00:01:06,710 --> 00:01:08,985 No. No, definitely not. 15 00:01:09,030 --> 00:01:11,624 And anyway, Derek, all your followers are in the room, so they'll know. 16 00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:13,740 Everyone knows. 17 00:01:15,390 --> 00:01:18,143 - Hannah's pregnant. See where the wee... - Oh. 18 00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:20,499 ...and then turns that little cross? - God, you need to stop him. 19 00:01:20,550 --> 00:01:22,222 - I found it in the bin. - Derek, Derek... 20 00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:23,419 - What? - Put that in the bin. 21 00:01:23,470 --> 00:01:25,108 I'm just showing these... Look, that's where she wee-ed, 22 00:01:25,150 --> 00:01:26,265 - and that's where she's pregnant. - Come on, 23 00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:27,299 - listen, everybody doesn't want... - Geoff. 24 00:01:27,350 --> 00:01:28,942 Hannah's pregnant. 25 00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:30,742 I hope she's going to keep it... 26 00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,060 - What? - What? 27 00:01:34,110 --> 00:01:35,987 No, I'm just... just saying I hope she's going to keep it, 28 00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:38,498 cos I heard that aborted babies go up to heaven, right, and they grow up, 29 00:01:38,550 --> 00:01:41,064 but then they wait for the mums to come up, cos they hate them, and they hate them 30 00:01:41,110 --> 00:01:43,578 for murdering them, and then they, like, punish the mums for ever and ever. 31 00:01:43,630 --> 00:01:45,586 It's like purgatory, basically. 32 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,068 - What's he banging on about? - I'm telling you what I heard. I'm not... 33 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,702 - Right. - Yeah. 34 00:01:51,750 --> 00:01:53,263 Got it. 35 00:01:53,310 --> 00:01:54,743 - Come on, let's put that in the bin. - Why don't you just shut up? 36 00:01:54,790 --> 00:01:56,348 Yeah, listen to her. 37 00:01:56,390 --> 00:01:58,665 - Shut your mouth. - What? 38 00:01:58,710 --> 00:02:00,780 - What's wrong with you? - Not allowed to say what I think? 39 00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:02,388 It's weird, isn't it? 40 00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:11,944 How long's it take you to finish a jigsaw? 41 00:02:11,990 --> 00:02:14,823 Oh, don't know really. Till it's done. 42 00:02:14,870 --> 00:02:17,828 That's your tea there, Annie. 43 00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:20,668 Here, Anthony's asked me out on a date. 44 00:02:20,710 --> 00:02:22,621 - Has he? - Yeah. 45 00:02:22,670 --> 00:02:24,661 - When did he ask you? - Last night. 46 00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:26,063 Can I go? 47 00:02:26,110 --> 00:02:28,544 Of course you can. It's exciting. 48 00:02:28,590 --> 00:02:31,468 But, what... Anthony, my dad Anthony, asked you out on a date? 49 00:02:31,510 --> 00:02:33,978 - And you're going with him? - Yeah. 50 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:36,385 Fuck off, then, you prick, and go shag someone else. 51 00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:38,307 See if I care. You're a dickhead. 52 00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:39,942 Oh fuck off, will ya?! 53 00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:41,423 Morning. 54 00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:43,062 - Morning! - Are you all right? 55 00:02:44,630 --> 00:02:46,222 Anthony's asked Annie out on a date. 56 00:02:46,270 --> 00:02:48,704 Oh, fuck. Men are all dickheads. 57 00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:51,184 The lot of them. They're all pricks, ain't they? 58 00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:54,707 Where's he taking ya? 59 00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:56,069 A restaurant. 60 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,623 Oh, that's nice, innit? 61 00:02:57,670 --> 00:02:59,740 Do you want me to do your hair? 62 00:02:59,790 --> 00:03:01,508 Would you? Oh, thank you. 63 00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:03,268 Was that your new beau then? 64 00:03:03,310 --> 00:03:04,538 Yeah. 65 00:03:04,590 --> 00:03:06,387 What happened to tattoo face? 66 00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:09,661 I got an upgrade, all right? But he's as big a dick as the last one, so... 67 00:03:11,550 --> 00:03:13,825 - So? - All right? 68 00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:15,144 You like bad boys, eh? 69 00:03:16,990 --> 00:03:18,264 Look no further. 70 00:03:18,310 --> 00:03:19,823 Yeah, there's... 71 00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:22,020 There's bad and there's bad, in't there? 72 00:03:22,070 --> 00:03:23,628 Explain. 73 00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:28,908 Well, there's bad like a lion, 74 00:03:28,950 --> 00:03:33,307 like, he's big and scary and handsome, but he's dangerous. 75 00:03:33,350 --> 00:03:36,979 Like, so you might get hurt. There's that bad. 76 00:03:37,030 --> 00:03:39,066 Then there's bad like a... 77 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:43,262 like a massive bucket of shit, and piss, 78 00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:46,859 and beer, and fag butts, and all the rest of it, 79 00:03:46,910 --> 00:03:49,947 and everyone can smell it, and no-one wants to touch it. 80 00:03:49,990 --> 00:03:51,469 Not under any circumstances. 81 00:03:52,870 --> 00:03:56,021 - There's that bad. - And I'm the bucket, yeah? 82 00:03:57,550 --> 00:03:59,142 Nice analogy. 83 00:04:00,190 --> 00:04:01,828 Well explained. 84 00:04:05,390 --> 00:04:06,539 See ya in a bit, yeah? 85 00:04:06,590 --> 00:04:08,228 Yeah, see ya. 86 00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:25,705 Derek, you know they're cooking chocolate, don't you? 87 00:04:25,750 --> 00:04:28,139 Yeah, I likes all chocolate. 88 00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:30,420 Vicky! - Don't eat them all. 89 00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:31,505 No, just enough. 90 00:04:31,550 --> 00:04:34,860 Oh, fuck. Dickhead's back. 91 00:04:34,910 --> 00:04:36,821 - Do you want me to come with you? - No, don't worry. 92 00:04:36,870 --> 00:04:39,020 - I'll deal with him. Vicky! 93 00:04:43,230 --> 00:04:45,141 God, what are you doing here? - That her boyfriend? 94 00:04:45,190 --> 00:04:47,420 - Don't come here. I work here. - They're arguing. 95 00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:49,825 - Shall I go out there? Derek. 96 00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:51,189 - What? - Never get involved in 97 00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:53,425 affairs of the heart, mate. Also, he might have a knife. 98 00:04:53,470 --> 00:04:55,108 Get off me! 99 00:04:55,150 --> 00:04:57,539 He's grabbing her! Shall I go out there? 100 00:04:59,990 --> 00:05:00,979 Hannah's out there. 101 00:05:02,030 --> 00:05:05,147 Get your fucking hands off her, you little cunt! Fucking bully. 102 00:05:05,190 --> 00:05:08,102 What do you want, you little cunt? Fuck off! 103 00:05:08,150 --> 00:05:10,459 You fucking deserved that, you little prick. 104 00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:11,579 You had enough? 105 00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:13,029 Right. 106 00:05:13,070 --> 00:05:15,026 You dickhead! Get inside. Get inside. 107 00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,503 Fuck you, you bitch. - Fuck's sake. 108 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:17,539 Fucking hell! 109 00:05:19,630 --> 00:05:21,507 They beat him up. 110 00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:29,821 - Did you see that? - Yeah. What was she shouting? 111 00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:30,859 What was you shouting? 112 00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:31,945 - Oh, she's mental. - Nothing. 113 00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:34,709 "Who wants it?" She was smacking the other boy. She said "cunt" a lot as well! 114 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,661 - All right! - Sorry. 115 00:05:36,710 --> 00:05:39,543 You're a legend! Take a bow... 116 00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,468 That just happened. I actually hit a bloke with a rolling pin. 117 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,546 All I need now is an apron on and my hair in rollers. 118 00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:46,820 You've got an apron on, and your hair is up, so... 119 00:05:46,870 --> 00:05:48,383 Yeah, that's true. That's it then. 120 00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:52,821 I am actually a 1950s battle-axe now from an old Beano. Brilliant. I am my nan. 121 00:05:52,870 --> 00:05:54,223 Oh, God. You're mad. 122 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,498 I'm mad? You go out with these blokes. 123 00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:57,541 If you didn't go out with them, I wouldn't have to hit them. 124 00:05:57,590 --> 00:06:00,388 Oh, sorry, you're the mad one, hitting people with rolling pins. Who does that? 125 00:06:00,430 --> 00:06:02,341 I like... I like the sound it makes. 126 00:06:02,390 --> 00:06:03,459 Did you? 127 00:06:03,510 --> 00:06:05,626 Yeah, it's like a..."donk"! 128 00:06:05,670 --> 00:06:07,740 - You were happy with that, were you? - Yeah! 129 00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:09,223 Over the moon with that, the donk. 130 00:06:09,270 --> 00:06:11,704 It was quite funny, actually. It was quite a laugh. 131 00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:13,661 Oh, he deserved it an' all, that's... 132 00:06:13,710 --> 00:06:14,859 He did. 133 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,348 - Vicky... I got another tweet. - Oh, yeah. Go on, then. 134 00:06:27,390 --> 00:06:29,267 - Quick. - Yeah. 135 00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:32,302 - Hashtag Derek says... - Yeah, always. 136 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,342 Derek says, RT if you loves toast. 137 00:06:36,950 --> 00:06:38,906 Is that it, yeah? Yep. 138 00:06:38,950 --> 00:06:41,020 - Send. - Done. 139 00:06:42,230 --> 00:06:44,983 Bloody hell. He loves Twitter, he does. 140 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,622 We should get you on there, Sheila. 141 00:06:46,670 --> 00:06:47,739 No! 142 00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:51,226 Yeah, you'd love it. Great way to talk to your mates or meet boys. 143 00:06:51,270 --> 00:06:53,261 I'm too old for all that now. 144 00:06:53,310 --> 00:06:56,427 Oh, I don't know. Why how did yous lot network when you was younger? 145 00:06:56,470 --> 00:06:57,619 Sent a letter. 146 00:06:57,670 --> 00:07:00,901 Yeah, but, how long did that take? 147 00:07:00,950 --> 00:07:04,829 Three or four days to get there, and then wait for the reply. 148 00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:06,781 Wouldn't you just have a new boyfriend by then? 149 00:07:06,830 --> 00:07:10,539 Yes. Some girls did. 150 00:07:10,590 --> 00:07:14,378 Yeah, we had a... a name for that sort of thing. 151 00:07:14,430 --> 00:07:17,388 Go for the nice ones. 152 00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:21,184 They'll stay nice ones, whatever happens. 153 00:07:21,230 --> 00:07:23,585 These exciting peacocks, 154 00:07:23,630 --> 00:07:25,939 one day, the feathers'll all fall out. 155 00:07:25,990 --> 00:07:28,265 And what are they then? 156 00:07:28,310 --> 00:07:30,266 Just cocks? 157 00:07:30,310 --> 00:07:32,778 Exactly! 158 00:07:36,350 --> 00:07:38,227 Here she comes. 159 00:07:38,270 --> 00:07:41,580 She's got a lot of love to give, that woman. A lot of love. 160 00:07:43,190 --> 00:07:46,102 Neck and face like a blind cobbler's thumb, but a lot of bloody love. 161 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:51,106 Still, you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire. 162 00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:56,587 The mantelpiece being the face, the fire being the minge or the ass. 163 00:07:56,630 --> 00:07:58,746 Whatever I can reach at the time. 164 00:07:58,790 --> 00:08:00,109 Normally the ass. 165 00:08:00,150 --> 00:08:01,424 Take a left turn, babe. 166 00:08:06,910 --> 00:08:08,548 Take your time. OK? 167 00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,025 That's it. Pop yourself in there. 168 00:08:16,590 --> 00:08:19,468 Bloody hell, there's literally no room for me now. 169 00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:22,707 Like squeezing into a tin of Spam. 170 00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:36,780 Look... What's he... What's he... 171 00:08:36,830 --> 00:08:40,982 - Here you go, Derek. Are you all right? - I'm distressed. My... 172 00:08:41,030 --> 00:08:43,385 My dad's taking Tom's nan out on a date. 173 00:08:43,430 --> 00:08:45,990 It's not against the rules or anything. 174 00:08:46,030 --> 00:08:48,100 He's still chasing ladies at his age, innit? 175 00:08:48,150 --> 00:08:51,426 And I'm happy that he's happy. And I'm happy that she's happy, 176 00:08:51,470 --> 00:08:53,700 but it's complicated, innit, relationships? 177 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:54,865 What if summat goes wrong 178 00:08:54,910 --> 00:08:57,344 and it's awkward and they got to see each other every day? 179 00:08:57,390 --> 00:08:59,381 And what if the other ladies get jealous, says "I... 180 00:08:59,430 --> 00:09:01,898 "I wanted to go out with a man. Why couldn't he go out with me?" 181 00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:04,100 What if they all starts doing it? Going out with each other. 182 00:09:04,150 --> 00:09:05,663 It'll be like TOWIE in 'ere. 183 00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,189 Oh, Derek. 184 00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:08,549 Have you not ever tried dating before? 185 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,909 No. 186 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,669 Well, you should. Everyone's doing it nowadays online. 187 00:09:12,710 --> 00:09:15,588 Get yourself an internet dating profile. Put your picture up. Worth a try. 188 00:09:15,630 --> 00:09:17,222 Good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea. 189 00:09:17,270 --> 00:09:18,783 - Yeah, come on. - No, it's all right. 190 00:09:18,830 --> 00:09:20,866 - Come on, it's worth a try, Derek. - Let's get you on the computer, boy. 191 00:09:20,910 --> 00:09:22,263 - Come on. - What are you doing? 192 00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:24,028 - Vicky? - Um... 193 00:09:24,070 --> 00:09:26,664 - What you doing? - Internet dating. 194 00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:29,349 - Wh... What are you putting in? - Minge on demand. 195 00:09:29,390 --> 00:09:32,666 Don't... Don't put in "minge on demand". 196 00:09:32,710 --> 00:09:34,780 - All right. Quim on demand. - Don't put "quim". 197 00:09:46,190 --> 00:09:47,703 Are you all right? 198 00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:51,105 - Are you all right? - Yeah... 199 00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:52,742 What's the matter? 200 00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:58,100 - Annie... - What? 201 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,789 She's asked me to... 202 00:10:02,190 --> 00:10:03,259 ...to wax her. 203 00:10:04,310 --> 00:10:06,380 To what? 204 00:10:06,430 --> 00:10:09,103 She wants me to wax her... 205 00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,420 Really? 206 00:10:14,470 --> 00:10:15,539 Yeah. 207 00:10:17,870 --> 00:10:19,701 What, for the... 208 00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:21,422 Yeah, the date, yeah. 209 00:10:22,470 --> 00:10:24,700 - What, all of it? - Yeah. 210 00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:27,819 Yeah, she wants it... 211 00:10:28,870 --> 00:10:29,859 ...all gone. 212 00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:33,789 - What, like a Brazilian? - No. A Hollywood. 213 00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:36,458 Oh. 214 00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:42,227 Listen... after this is done... 215 00:10:43,790 --> 00:10:45,906 ...we don't talk about this, yeah? - No. 216 00:10:47,310 --> 00:10:48,504 No. 217 00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:49,903 - Like, never, yeah? - No. 218 00:10:59,310 --> 00:11:00,868 No. 219 00:11:05,770 --> 00:11:07,488 Has anyone tried to get in contact with me yet? 220 00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:09,168 Hold on, mate. I've just set up the profile page. 221 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,565 - I knew they wouldn't. Nobody... - How we doing? 222 00:11:11,610 --> 00:11:13,965 He's set up my profile page on Sweethearts Online. 223 00:11:14,010 --> 00:11:16,808 Dating website. That's me, that's Derek Noakes. That's my picture. 224 00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,442 - Brilliant. - That's all the stuff about me, 225 00:11:18,490 --> 00:11:21,368 and I just waits for ladies to want to... That's all the ladies what are available. 226 00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:22,843 - You got Clare... - Yeah. 227 00:11:22,890 --> 00:11:24,926 - Rachel... - Yeah. 228 00:11:28,770 --> 00:11:30,089 It's Janice. 229 00:11:31,170 --> 00:11:33,240 It's my Janice. 230 00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:35,281 - It's my Janice! - Are you sure it's definitely her? 231 00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:36,558 Yes, I am sure it's my Janice. 232 00:11:36,610 --> 00:11:39,488 I took that picture when we were at the funfair. 233 00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:42,408 She's smiling there because I just chucked one up her behind the ghost train. 234 00:11:42,450 --> 00:11:44,247 Look at her. 235 00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:46,008 Status - single. 236 00:11:46,050 --> 00:11:47,563 That's nice, that's nice 237 00:11:48,730 --> 00:11:50,607 Weight - 130... 238 00:11:50,650 --> 00:11:52,686 130 pounds? 239 00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:54,607 She got 130 pounds in her pants. 240 00:11:55,690 --> 00:11:56,759 Jesus, who's that? 241 00:11:57,810 --> 00:11:59,402 It's his girlfriend. He's upset. 242 00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:03,489 She's put herself on a dating website looking for another man, so he's... 243 00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:05,282 - She's dumped you? - Yeah. 244 00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:07,366 - Aw! Are you feeling rejected? - Yeah, be nice. 245 00:12:07,410 --> 00:12:09,321 - Is he crying? - No, he's not crying. Be nice though. 246 00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:11,042 - Aw... Loser. 247 00:12:11,090 --> 00:12:13,160 - Kev. - I'll never get married. No way. 248 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,929 Not letting them get half my house. 249 00:12:15,970 --> 00:12:17,085 - Have you got a house? - Eh? 250 00:12:17,130 --> 00:12:18,882 - You got a house? - No, but me mum has, 251 00:12:18,930 --> 00:12:21,490 but, you know, they're not getting that. I know what they're like. 252 00:12:21,530 --> 00:12:23,248 I know what you lot are like. 253 00:12:23,290 --> 00:12:26,088 Give "em an inch, they'll take a mile. 254 00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:28,923 Rejected. 255 00:12:28,970 --> 00:12:31,530 You have been rejected, Kevin. 256 00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:41,402 Come on, Kev. It's not that bad. 257 00:12:41,450 --> 00:12:42,883 Can't believe it. 258 00:12:45,290 --> 00:12:46,928 Thought she was my safety net. 259 00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:51,488 Or the big, old, stained crash-mat, as I used to call her. 260 00:12:51,530 --> 00:12:53,521 What did she call you? 261 00:12:53,570 --> 00:12:55,003 Eh? 262 00:12:55,050 --> 00:12:57,518 Did you think it was exclusive? 263 00:12:57,570 --> 00:12:58,923 Well, who else would have her? 264 00:12:59,970 --> 00:13:01,369 You've seen her. You've smelt her. 265 00:13:01,410 --> 00:13:03,640 Mm. 266 00:13:03,690 --> 00:13:06,079 Called my brother for the first time in three years, it must be bad. 267 00:13:06,130 --> 00:13:07,358 Yeah? 268 00:13:07,410 --> 00:13:09,321 He's a screw-up. 269 00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:11,167 He's the black sheep of the family. 270 00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:13,359 He's coming over. 271 00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:17,161 Sorry? 272 00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:18,643 He's the black sheep of the family?! 273 00:13:18,690 --> 00:13:20,123 Big time. 274 00:13:20,170 --> 00:13:21,489 Your family? 275 00:13:21,530 --> 00:13:23,441 The Twines. 276 00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:27,000 He's the one we dare not speak about. 277 00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:29,405 But he's a good kid. 278 00:13:46,050 --> 00:13:48,245 I am at an all-time low. 279 00:13:48,290 --> 00:13:49,848 Janice has dumped me. 280 00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:54,403 Fuck me. How's that make me look? 281 00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:57,921 I've called my brother. He's coming down. 282 00:13:58,970 --> 00:14:02,679 What a long, streaky, hairy, pissy shit he is. 283 00:14:02,730 --> 00:14:04,368 Looks like a withered owl. 284 00:14:05,610 --> 00:14:06,963 But he's a good guy. 285 00:14:07,010 --> 00:14:09,001 He's my brother, and we're there for one another. 286 00:14:10,290 --> 00:14:12,929 He's been very unfortunate in his life, you know. 287 00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:14,562 Been run over nine times. 288 00:14:14,930 --> 00:14:17,398 I don't know what to expect. 289 00:14:17,450 --> 00:14:19,964 It's like when they say, "Imagine how big the universe is," 290 00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:22,126 and it's incomprehensible. 291 00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,048 There's someone out there worse than Kev?! 292 00:14:31,050 --> 00:14:33,883 Brother. My brother, mate. 293 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:38,399 Oi! 294 00:14:41,810 --> 00:14:44,449 - Sign of the Twine, mate. - Whoo-hoo-hoo! 295 00:14:44,490 --> 00:14:45,605 Whoa! 296 00:14:48,410 --> 00:14:49,729 We're... We're the flange warriors. 297 00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:51,681 We're the flange warriors, mate. How you doing, mate? 298 00:14:51,730 --> 00:14:53,800 All right, boy? 299 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:57,410 You're not used to the cameras, are you? Here. 300 00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:01,326 - I don't like that. - Huh? 301 00:15:01,370 --> 00:15:03,122 - I don't like that. - Ignore it. Ignore it, mate. 302 00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:07,042 - Still got a lazy funnel? - Yeah. 303 00:15:07,090 --> 00:15:09,081 Yeah? 304 00:15:09,130 --> 00:15:11,724 Oh, it's lovely to see you, mate. 305 00:15:11,770 --> 00:15:13,408 - Are you all right, boy? - Huh? 306 00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:15,680 - You all right, boy? - Yeah. 307 00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,129 Hello. 308 00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:19,081 My best mate. 309 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:20,688 You his brother? 310 00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:23,290 - Yip. - What's... 311 00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:25,207 What's up with him? 312 00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:26,649 What's up with you, mate? Where do we start? 313 00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:28,282 What you doing now, mate? 314 00:15:28,330 --> 00:15:30,127 - Walking, mate. - Whereabouts? 315 00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:32,320 - County to county. - What d'you mean? 316 00:15:34,410 --> 00:15:36,287 Doing a... doing the rivers, ain't I? 317 00:15:36,330 --> 00:15:37,922 Shagging anything that moves? 318 00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:41,007 We used to call him Fuckleberry Finn. 319 00:15:42,570 --> 00:15:43,639 Hannah. 320 00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:44,679 Hello. 321 00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:51,039 She runs the place, mate. Don't worry about her, she runs the place. 322 00:15:51,090 --> 00:15:52,603 - Who's that? - Hannah. 323 00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:54,766 Been trying to do her pretty white ass for 18 months. 324 00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:58,085 Good boy. 325 00:15:58,130 --> 00:16:01,327 So, what you shagging? Women? Men? 326 00:16:01,370 --> 00:16:05,204 Women. I won't shag men. I'll let them...do me, 327 00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,206 because there's, you know... 328 00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:09,684 there's no feeling down there now. 329 00:16:09,730 --> 00:16:11,846 But a... p... penis... 330 00:16:11,890 --> 00:16:13,084 That's sacred, boy. 331 00:16:13,130 --> 00:16:15,041 Put it there, bro. 332 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:17,999 How is your arse? 333 00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:19,927 Shot to shit. 334 00:16:21,610 --> 00:16:23,521 My arse has got no latch. 335 00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:25,640 That what you want to hear? 336 00:16:26,730 --> 00:16:28,527 Probably not. 337 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:31,164 It's weird. Kev's the good one. 338 00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:32,245 I know. 339 00:16:32,290 --> 00:16:34,246 Kev's the smart one out of these two, ain't he? 340 00:16:34,290 --> 00:16:35,723 - It's lovely seeing you again, mate. - And you. 341 00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:37,044 You should move in 'ere. 342 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,604 Nah... 343 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,606 Come on, got a caravan in the car park, mate. 344 00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:43,686 Landed on your feet, ain't ya? 345 00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:46,290 - Old lucky bollocks here again. - That's not lucky bollocks, mate. 346 00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:47,365 It's lucky bollocks. 347 00:16:47,410 --> 00:16:49,480 - Always the lucky one, weren't ya?! - You make your own fucking luck. 348 00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:52,408 - You make your own fucking luck, mate. - Lucky one! 349 00:16:52,450 --> 00:16:54,281 - You make your own luck, mate. - Lucky one! 350 00:16:54,330 --> 00:16:56,321 Right, well, then, yes, there is someone worse than Kev. 351 00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:58,361 That's incredible, isn't it? 352 00:16:58,410 --> 00:17:02,449 Like, if I had to choose to be one of 'em, I'd choose to be Kev. 353 00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:04,446 That's... I never thought I'd say that. 354 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:07,368 And this, got all this now, ain't ya? 355 00:17:07,410 --> 00:17:09,765 Are you jealous of me? 356 00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,209 Fuck off! 357 00:17:14,050 --> 00:17:15,449 Dreaming, boy. 358 00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:17,685 Who puts these ideas in your 'ead? 359 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:22,288 Come on, then, boy. Talk to me, lean on me. 360 00:17:22,330 --> 00:17:25,686 My brother, in't he? Talk to me, boy. 361 00:17:25,730 --> 00:17:27,686 - Man falls in love. - Hmm. 362 00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:29,800 Gives a woman everything. 363 00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:31,169 Emotionally... 364 00:17:31,210 --> 00:17:32,962 - spiritually... 365 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,808 - Definitely does it bloody physically. - Yeah, I hear ya, mate. I hear ya. 366 00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:38,523 - Do you? - Keep talking to me. 367 00:17:38,570 --> 00:17:40,640 Well, the woman's not interested, mate. She's looking elsewhere. 368 00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:44,400 I'm absolutely gutted, mate. 369 00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:46,202 I thought she was a keeper. 370 00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:47,399 It's your heart, mate. 371 00:17:47,450 --> 00:17:50,044 - Go with that. - That's good advice, innit? 372 00:17:50,090 --> 00:17:52,285 That's not bad. Follow your heart. 373 00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:55,083 You always were the wise man, mate. I appreciate that. 374 00:17:55,130 --> 00:17:57,485 I'm here, boy. 375 00:17:57,530 --> 00:17:58,645 Done. 376 00:18:15,490 --> 00:18:17,367 There goes the wisest man I know. 377 00:18:17,410 --> 00:18:19,082 Sign of the Twine, mate. 378 00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:24,441 That's it. 379 00:18:24,490 --> 00:18:25,479 Clever boy. 380 00:18:28,010 --> 00:18:29,409 Where are you going? 381 00:18:29,450 --> 00:18:31,008 Crawley. 382 00:18:32,410 --> 00:18:33,843 - Bye. - Bye. 383 00:18:35,010 --> 00:18:36,887 He makes me feel normal. 384 00:18:36,930 --> 00:18:39,319 - Cliff? - Yeah, he's interesting. 385 00:18:39,370 --> 00:18:42,442 It's interesting to see someone who looks up to you. 386 00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:43,605 Innit? 387 00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:45,083 I can't get my head around it. 388 00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:53,246 - Bye. - They're going on a date. 389 00:18:53,290 --> 00:18:54,848 - You look great. - Bye. 390 00:18:54,890 --> 00:18:56,767 - You look smart, Dad. - So do you, boy. 391 00:18:56,810 --> 00:18:59,802 - Do I? - You always look smart. 392 00:18:59,850 --> 00:19:02,159 Don't do anything I wouldn't do. 393 00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:03,643 See you. 394 00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:05,840 There's nothing I wouldn't do, given half a chance. 395 00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:09,565 Mind you, there's those I can't do, 396 00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:12,283 but I wouldn't mind giving it a try before I die. 397 00:19:20,050 --> 00:19:21,085 Hello. 398 00:19:21,130 --> 00:19:22,279 - Hello. - You all right? 399 00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:23,809 - You all right? - Yeah. 400 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:27,804 Your nan's gone off on a date with Derek's dad. 401 00:19:28,930 --> 00:19:29,919 Is she all right? 402 00:19:29,970 --> 00:19:32,609 - Yeah. She looked lovely. - Good. 403 00:19:34,050 --> 00:19:35,608 Good news. 404 00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:38,289 What a game bird your gran still is. 405 00:19:39,610 --> 00:19:41,043 Naughty Nana. 406 00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:45,447 - What? - Well, she's mowed the lawn, mate. 407 00:19:45,490 --> 00:19:46,718 Ready for the tea party. 408 00:19:48,570 --> 00:19:51,448 - What does that mean? Nothing. 409 00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:53,560 She's cleared the runway, mate, ready for landing. 410 00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:56,408 Tea? D'you want a cup of tea? - What are you talking about? 411 00:19:56,450 --> 00:19:58,839 She's had all her pubes removed so it's lovely and smooth down there. 412 00:19:58,890 --> 00:20:00,084 Oh, God. 413 00:20:00,130 --> 00:20:02,086 A completely hairless, shiny minge. - What? 414 00:20:02,130 --> 00:20:04,928 Fuck's sake. Stop going on about my nan's bald fanny! 415 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:06,005 That. 416 00:20:10,530 --> 00:20:12,919 All right, mate, calm down, I haven't seen it myself. 417 00:20:14,250 --> 00:20:17,367 Good. You're not even supposed to think about it. 418 00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:19,162 Are you not curious at all? 419 00:20:19,210 --> 00:20:21,121 - Not in the slightest. - Well, I am. 420 00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,320 If you don't mind, I'm going to start imagining it. 421 00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:30,844 Like a naked mole rat yawning. 422 00:20:30,890 --> 00:20:32,323 Oh, for fuck's sakes. 423 00:20:46,690 --> 00:20:50,126 If it's a boy baby, call it Justin, after Justin Timberlake. 424 00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:53,401 If it's a girl baby, call it Susan, after Susan Boyle. 425 00:20:53,450 --> 00:20:55,281 - I don't know about that, Derek. - Yeah, it's a good idea. 426 00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:57,207 Is that what you want to be thinking every time you look at that baby? 427 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,445 - Here they are. 428 00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:01,606 - Hello. - Hello. 429 00:21:01,650 --> 00:21:02,639 Did you have a good time? 430 00:21:02,690 --> 00:21:04,840 Oh, lovely, yeah, it was great. 431 00:21:04,890 --> 00:21:06,687 It was really nice. 432 00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,527 Thank you for a lovely evening. 433 00:21:08,570 --> 00:21:10,606 I'm going to hit the sack. Night. 434 00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:12,288 - Good night. - Good night. 435 00:21:12,330 --> 00:21:13,479 Sleep tight. 436 00:21:13,530 --> 00:21:14,963 Night, Dad. 437 00:21:16,010 --> 00:21:18,399 - So it went well? - Yes, it was lovely, you know. 438 00:21:18,450 --> 00:21:20,247 I think I'll go to bed, too. 439 00:21:20,290 --> 00:21:21,484 - OK. - OK. 440 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,122 - Night-night. - Good night. 441 00:21:23,170 --> 00:21:24,364 - Night, Nan. - Night. 442 00:21:24,410 --> 00:21:25,729 Shall I bring you a cup of cocoa? 443 00:21:25,770 --> 00:21:28,045 No. Do not come into my room. 444 00:21:39,050 --> 00:21:41,723 Naughty, naughty Nana. 445 00:21:41,770 --> 00:21:44,523 Mole rat is getting its supper. 446 00:21:48,370 --> 00:21:49,598 "I'm full!" 447 00:21:52,210 --> 00:21:53,962 Derek. What? 448 00:21:54,010 --> 00:22:00,006 Have you any idea what, in the name of Christ, your dad's doing with Tom's nan? 449 00:22:00,050 --> 00:22:01,119 No. 450 00:22:01,170 --> 00:22:02,523 Urgh! 451 00:22:09,050 --> 00:22:11,041 Do you want to hear a story, Derek? 452 00:22:11,090 --> 00:22:12,079 Yeah. 453 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:14,485 This is a story about, er... 454 00:22:14,530 --> 00:22:16,168 two blokes that went caravanning, 455 00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:19,441 and, er... said their good nights. 456 00:22:19,490 --> 00:22:22,050 About an hour later this gang of, sort of, male rapists... 457 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:23,205 - Male rapists? - Yeah. 458 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:24,603 What's that? Male rapists? 459 00:22:24,650 --> 00:22:26,288 Men that rape other men. 460 00:22:27,330 --> 00:22:29,844 They burst into the caravan, 461 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:32,723 and they just start bumming them. Nonstop. 462 00:22:32,770 --> 00:22:34,840 And, of course, they're cannibals as well. They just... 463 00:22:34,890 --> 00:22:36,084 Cannibals? What's that? 464 00:22:36,130 --> 00:22:38,803 They eat... Eating hu... They're sort of eating human flesh. 465 00:22:38,850 --> 00:22:41,125 - They bum the two men... - Yeah. 466 00:22:41,170 --> 00:22:42,967 ...and then they fed on their flesh... - Yeah. 467 00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:44,568 ...and then they left them to rot. 468 00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:49,160 That's the worstest story what I've ever heard. 469 00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:51,962 Shall we leave the light on tonight? 470 00:22:52,010 --> 00:22:55,446 No. Turn it off, mate, cos I've got to have my tug. 471 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:01,043 What would win out of a male rapist and a cannibal? 472 00:23:01,090 --> 00:23:04,400 Not now, Derek. You're putting me off my stroke, mate. 473 00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:06,327 Sorry. 474 00:23:06,370 --> 00:23:08,201 Night, Kev. 475 00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:13,478 Night, Derek. Ripped By mstoll 34759

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