Original subtitles

Can't film in here. Toilets.

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Oh! Oh, God! Ripped By mstoll

Are you scared of spiders? It's the worst spider what I've ever seen, in there.

Look, it's the giantest spider.

Hannah? Look. Hannah!

- There's a spider in there. - Oh, can't be... it can't be that bad.

Biggest spider... No, you haven't... Wait till you see it.

- Where is it? - Wait till you see it. I'm not kidding.

Oh! Ooh!

That is big.

- Get rid of it. Don't kill it! - What do you want me to do with it?

Deport it? Send it to prison for having too many legs?

Go and get... Go and get... Go and get a cup.

Catch it. Make sure you catch it and put it... let it go free.

He's terrified of 'em. Nearly gave him a heart attack and he won't let me kill it.

He's got me running around, trying to rehome it for him.

- All right. - Don't lose it.

- I won't lose it. - Watch it, mate.

I've got to get it under there, that's all,

- without startling the fu... Oh!

- Oh, fuckin' hell! - Oh! Oh...

It's been a funny old year, you know.

We're still here.

Same old faces. Some new faces.

Some people have gone.

You know, just life rolling on.

This is Geoff.

He's been with us about a week now. Yeah.

He's been unemployed for a little while so... It's part of a restart thing.

He is a wrong 'un, isn't he?

Don't you think? Look at him.

What do you mean? Weird, don't you think?

Well shifty. Right.

Er... Vicky is with us permanently now.

She's our, er... in-house beautician, unofficially.

She does all their nails and hair and stuff.

Yeah.

She's gonna open her own salon one day, ain't you?

- Yeah, wouldn't mind.

Yeah, no, it's wicked. I love it. I love it here.

It's like being at home, really, innit?

Except... well, here, everyone's really nice.

But... yeah, it's all right.

The money's not great but, well, I'm a born hustler, ain't I?

So, doing my bits and pieces on the side to get by.

- What do you think of them? - Ooh!

- All right, ain't they? - What's that?

Oh, hold on.

- There you go.

- All yours. - Oh, how much is that, Vicky?

Oh, no, don't be silly.

- No, no, I'll pay you. - It's a present, honestly.

- Oh, thank you very much. - Enjoy.

Geoff, it's my dad. He's moving in today.

We've got a new resident moving in today.

It's Derek's dad, Anthony.

Derek's over the moon. He's so proud.

It's my dad. He's moving in here today.

All these lovely mares.

This is your room.

Oh... Oh, 'eavy.

It's nice, innit?

All right.

Got everything. Cupboards. Bed.

Loads of cupboards. Wardrobe.

Chair.

Ah!

What's this? Photo album?

- Huh! Is this all your holidays? - Yeah.

Huh! And where have you been? Have you been everywhere?

France, Germany, Spain, Morocco.

You name it, I've been there.

All the pictures of you are with different ladies.

Ah, sure, that's the point in travelling, boy.

Nookie.

Newquay?

- I haven't been to Newquay.

Who's that?

That's my one picture of you.

Still got the same hair. Heh-heh!

Look, that's me.

That's baby Derek.

I wish I... I wish I could travel one day. I'd like to go different places.

Just to see what all the different places are like.

Cos all the places are different, ain't they? Everywhere's different.

What's the most different place you've been?

The Sahara Desert.

Why?

Cos it's fucking warm.

- What's France like? It's full of French people.

Yeah? - They're not very friendly.

The women are nice, though.

Right, Joe's coming. Remember, don't mention it. Don't mention...

It grew back.

Very lucky.

What's the strangest thing what you've ever seen, what you've ever learnt?

I met a wise man in Kathmandu,

who believed you should make a list of all the things you wanted,

and give it to your dad to keep,

and maybe the circle of life would get you one of them things.

What? If you does that, will you get one of your wishes, maybe?

Yeah.

- Shall I make a list? Yeah.

I want to get him a little present,

but I don't know what he likes, I'm ashamed to say.

Hmm.

This is a sneaky way of finding out.

It's my bestest day ever. My dad's moving in.

Joining us, joining my family. His... his family as well now.

When I'm like this as well, when I'm happiest, I get sad sometimes

cos I feel sorry for people who ain't as happy as me.

Lots of people ain't lucky like me. I'm... I'm lucky.

I'm really lucky. I've got... Yeah.

So, that's why I'm nice, in case they're not having a good day

or they ain't got as... much luck as me.

So, er... yeah, cos life, right, it's all about good and bad things, isn't it?

Summat good happens and summat bad happens,

and in my life it's mostly good things and a little bad things.

Yeah, that... that makes it all right and that's why I always tries my best as well.

I learned it off animals.

Animals always tries their best. Always trying their best.

You never see like a lazy ant. It's always working.

It goes, "I'll do that."

Look. Sandwiches. Cakes. Tea. Everything.

We always do something when there's a new resident. Helps break the ice.

Let them know it's a welcoming place.

It can be very overwhelming.

You know, they're always a bit shy, scared.

Oh. Want to take those?

Yeah. What is... why is he grabbing her?

I don't know.

Everyone sits where they wants, but people has favourite chairs.

Pat likes that one. Arthur likes that one. Joe likes that one.

People moves around. These are all ladies.

Precious, Margaret and Sheila.

Um... Annie.

Oh, guess what, right? Um... Tom and Hannah are trying to have a baby.

Derek!

What? Yeah, I've heard you talking about it. I knows what's going on.

Oh, they haven't told me.

Didn't know it was something I had to.

Are you checking when she's ovulating?

Yeah, but, they've got... got a thermometer,

and... and they test when she's the right temperature,

and if she's the right temperature, they sneaks off and has sex quickly,

and then comes back in like nothing's happened.

But I... I knows what they've been... what they've been doing.

Now, when me and your grandad were trying for your mum...

Mm-hm?

...used to come straight home from work, straight upstairs,

no foreplay or anything like that, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, do his bit,

and then afterwards he'd help me stand on my head by holding my legs.

Why?

It helps the sperm up the cervix.

What's a cervix?

It's the opening between the vagina and the uterus.

And a sperm's got to get through that to the...

So, it goes vagina...

- Cervix, uterus. ...cervix, uterus.

So, he puts his sperm into the vagina,

and then he has to help it up the cervix into the uterus,

- and that's where the baby's made, innit? - Mm-hm.

Yeah, and it helps it if he turns her on her head with her... holding her legs up?

- Well, you're in with more of a chance. Why? Cos it dribbles upwards?

Yeah, gravity. - Yeah.

Um... vagina. Uterus.

Cervix.

These are a few of my favourite things.

- What else? - Clitoris, cum and flaps.

He just always keeps talking to all the ladies.

- Well, he's just being friendly, in't he? - Yeah.

- You're always on that phone. - Yeah.

I've got to keep up with my people, haven't I? Let 'em know I'm busy.

Yeah, but you're not busy, are you? You're on Twitter.

- Oh! - I can work and tweet, you know.

She's going to put me on Twitter, ain't you?

I... I ain't got a phone but she's gonna put me on her phone.

- Yeah, I did it this morning, actually. - Oh!

So, you are... @mrdereknoakes

- @mrdereknoakes - Yeah, so, whatever you want to say,

...you can put it out there. - Yeah, um...

Derek says...

Do you know what? That can be your hashtag.

What's that?

It looks like that, and it's... if you put that before "Derek says",

everyone can see it and they can all follow it.

Yeah, hashtag, "Derek says".

Yeah, got that.

Yeah. So, what do you want to say?

Be nice to animals.

- Is that it, yeah? - Yeah.

Send. That's out there.

Dad?

I've made a list. Top ten things what I wants.

- Is that all right? - That's perfect.

I'll keep this in a sealed envelope close to my heart, and we'll see if it works.

I don't mind if it don't.

Er... Joan used to say all you needs is someone to love,

something to do and something to wish for.

I've got loads of people I loves. I've got loads to do.

I'm always busy, ain't I?

And I've got loads to wish for. That's the things I wish for most.

You think a lot about people you've lost, don't you, Derek?

Yeah.

I thinks about them. I thinks of things they've said.

So, it don't matter if they said it yesterday or a year ago.

It's still in there and there.

He drinks a bit.

Like Kev.

I think he's nice like Kev, as well, but...

... but Kev hasn't got any kids to worry about yet.

And I worries about him.

It's bad for you, drink... too much drinking.

Bad for your liver, innit?

And you might fall over or summat.

As long as you're nice. He can't help it. I don't think he can help it.

And I don't want to say anything. I don't want to upset anyone.

I'm glad he's moving in here. Good to have him around.

I didn't have a dad for ages so I'm glad I've got one.

"One. I wishes I could talk chimp and be friends with it.

"Two.

"I wishes Kev was healthy, cos he's lovely and funny,

"and I'm scared of him getting ill from drinking or AIDS.

"Three.

"A pill what makes you clever.

"Four. A pill what makes you like horrible people more.

"Five. A pill what makes horrible people nicer.

"Six, a pill..." It's another pill.

"...what makes old people not scared of dying.

"Seven. A pill what makes spiders keep away but not hurt them.

"Eight. I would like to meet Leona Lewis.

"Nine. I wish everyone had a mum and a dad, and they all died at the same time.

"Ten. I wish Hannah had more money,

"cos she is the hardest-working person I knows.

"She's the nicest too.

"I knows when she's sad, even though she tries to pretend she isn't.

"If everyone was like Hannah, there would never be anything wrong.

"If Hannah was happy, I wouldn't care about anything else."

Thanks ever so much.

- Derek's dad's a one, in't he? - What?

Yeah. Have you seen him? Still trying to sow his old oats.

He's got the women running scared.

I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

- Bloody hell, Derek mate. - Go and walk along like a donkey.

- Like a donkey? - Go on, go on.

- Oh!

- Oh, mate! Get off. - Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.

Wasting it.

Bit shocking, that, wasn't it? I've never seen that before,

anyone sucking Special Brew out of a carpet. Not even Kev.

Surprised me.

He acted quickly, didn't he? He acted on instinct.

He sort of saw it seeping away so he had to do extra-fast slurping.

It was the noise that was worrying.

What's in the carpets?

You get germs, don't you?

Well, does Special Brew kill a germ?

Or just make it drunk so it wasn't so evil?

Could you get AIDS drunk?

Could alcohol kill other things? If it kills your liver, could it kill rabies?

It's interesting, I know, isn't it, science?

- What are you doing? - I'm drawing.

- What is it? - Do you know what a chimera is?

No.

Um... do you know what a humanzee is?

No.

It's basically a cross between a human and a chimpanzee.

- How? - What do you mean, how?

How... how would that happen?

- What, how does it come about? - Yeah.

Um... how do you think it comes about?

It's when a clown has sex with a monkey, isn't it?

- Obviously. - Why?

Why would a clown have sex with a monkey?

- Yeah. - Well, it doesn't have to be a clown.

It can be any human, but a clown's more likely, innit?

Because he's hanging around the circus all day. What do you think he's gonna do?

And what's the baby look like?

Well, it looks like... Iooks like any human baby, but it's covered in hair.

- Right? - Right.

And then it loses the hair when it's about three.

- Right. - Then it enters normal society, right?

And then it's like at school and everything. Everything's normal.

Suddenly it's hanging upside down in trees, ripping kids' arms off.

- Snaps. - What happens to it?

Well, they have to get rid of it, don't they?

- How? - Shove it in camps.

Got camps all over. Got one in Brighton and one in Norwich.

Why have we never heard of this, though?

Cos they don't want you to know, do they?

- Who? - Government.

If you... if everyone knew about humanzees, there'd be panic, wouldn't there?

- There'd be riots in the streets, mate. - Yeah.

- How do you know about it? - Cos I know about stuff, don't I?

Cos I've got a mate who used to work in one of the camps.

Used to clean them out after they'd got rid of the bodies.

- He saw some horrible stuff. - Like what?

Seen a goat with arms.

- Why has a goat got arms? - So it can milk itself.

Geoff's a knob-head, isn't he?

It's just... just his type.

And he's loving it, in't he? Cos you lot are here filming.

Suddenly thinks he's gonna be a star overnight

just cos he's got his head on the telly.

- What you doing it like that for, mate? - This is the way I've always done it.

- What? - This is the way I... you know, I do it.

- It's the way you do it, is it? - Yeah, this is the way you should do it.

Yeah, well, the way you do it's wrong. Schoolboy error.

- How have you worked that out, then? - Innit?

- Hmm? - Eh?

What do you mean, it's wrong?

I'm worried these old people are gonna go up in smoke, mate.

Well, they're all gonna end up that way anyway, aren't they?

At the crematorium.

- So, don't worry about it, Geoff. - All right, very funny, Dougie, yeah.

Apart from your hair, mate, I think you're the luckiest man I've ever met.

- Do you? - Yeah.

I would have had this sorted about five minutes ago,

but instead you're there just annoying me.

I can't concentrate whilst you're wittering on.

What, you can't concentrate when I'm talking?

- No. - Ooh.

Got to be able to work under pressure, mate. It can't be hard to...

Listen, I've worked under pressure, Geoff.

When I was in the Army,

you've got to be doing this, that, you've got to be running.

You've got to be carrying your gun. You've got to be aware where the enemy are.

- You've got to be... - Are you getting that? Bullshit.

Oh!

- What did I say? I hate being right. - Oh, Dougie!

Don't touch him! He's riddled with electricity.

- Shall I give him the kiss of life? - Definitely not. Jesus.

Oh! We doing Duran Duran again?

No, we're not doing fucking Duran Duran again, Derek.

That's it. No more.

There's no point. The place can't run like this, can it?

There's not enough money. There's not enough staff. There's too many residents.

I'm taking on too much. I've got loads going on in my head.

I can't remember what I'm doing. That's why I ballsed up the plug.

That's why I got that major shock, just because I've got too much to do.

I ended up rolling about on the floor with my hair all over the place,

looking like fucking Ken Dodd.

I've just got to get out.

That's... that's the top and bottom of it.

Then there's little things I'll miss,

you know, the residents, not seeing them every day.

Hannah. Derek.

A little bit of me that'll miss Kev.

It's just Geoff the knob-head that I... you know, I never need to see him again.

Oh...

Well, it's my best day ever and it's my worst day ever.

Oh, it's not that bad.

He's only leaving. He's... he's not dead.

And you can still be friends.

Yeah, I know, but I likes to see my friends every day.

That's why I works here. It's my favouritest thing.

Go on.

- It's your go. - Oh.

How do you tell which end of a worm is its mouth

and which end of a worm is its arsehole?

Don't know.

You put it in a bowl of flour and you wait till it farts.

- What if it coughs?

Bugger me. Do you ever get jokes, boy?

Yeah.

- Here's a better one. Go on.

What do you do when you want to shag a fat bird?

Roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot.

And by "wet spot", I mean vaginal not anal.

The anus should rarely be wet, Pam.

Biscuit?

No, thank you.

- No. - No thanks.

- Oh! Hannah? - Yeah?

Can... can we play the Lizzie DVD again?

- Again? - Yeah. I loves it.

The production team put together a film of all Lizzie's best moments.

So... Derek loves watching it.

OK?

Heyl

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Good night, everyone.

- Night. - Night-night.

Where's everybody gone?

What? Off to bed. It's after ten o'clock.

Ten o'fucking clock?!

- Anyone for a nightcap? - Yeah, I'll have one, mate.

Oh, I've got a present for you, Derek.

- What? - It's the photo album.

With my one picture of you in it.

Heh. And I hope to add to it.

I was hoping for a bike.

I'm only joking. Thank you.

There's no real pictures any more, though. It's all digitals.

How can we get real pictures for it?

I can print them out, mate.

- How? - I'll save them all on the desktop.

Print them out the exact size of that little book.

Excellent.

When half your adult life has been dedicated to internet porn,

you pick up a few things.

And for once, I do not mean genital warts.

Yep.