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1
00:00:04,721 --> 00:00:06,401
I've had a brilliant idea, ain't I?
2
00:00:06,521 --> 00:00:07,681
He has, yeah.
3
00:00:07,801 --> 00:00:11,601
Gonna sell our autographs and put
the money towards funding the home.
4
00:00:15,561 --> 00:00:18,281
Yeah, I don't get it,
collecting autographs,
5
00:00:18,401 --> 00:00:19,881
but they seem to enjoy it.
6
00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:24,081
And if some good can come
out of it, then, yeah, why not?
7
00:00:25,521 --> 00:00:27,321
Andrew Lloyd Webber.
8
00:00:29,081 --> 00:00:33,921
We're from Broad Hill nursing home
and we're going to sell...
9
00:00:34,041 --> 00:00:36,081
We're autograph hunters.
10
00:00:36,201 --> 00:00:38,361
- You want to sell your autographs?
- We want to sell our autographs, yeah.
11
00:00:38,481 --> 00:00:41,441
So I just need some money
for the old people.
12
00:00:41,561 --> 00:00:43,161
Sit tight, mate.
13
00:00:43,281 --> 00:00:46,121
OK, show me what
you've managed to get there.
14
00:00:46,241 --> 00:00:49,121
I forget who that is. I can't remember.
15
00:00:49,241 --> 00:00:51,361
You've got to know who it is,
that's the thing.
16
00:00:51,481 --> 00:00:52,881
Kerry Katona! I remember that.
17
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:56,121
Why is it...? What's that yellow stuff?
18
00:00:56,241 --> 00:00:57,961
- It's carrot, mate.
- She was being sick.
19
00:00:58,081 --> 00:01:00,641
- Oh. That affects the value.
- Is it less valuable with sick?
20
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:01,761
Yeah!
21
00:01:01,881 --> 00:01:03,721
- Remember that?
- Porkpie, innit?
22
00:01:03,841 --> 00:01:04,921
Porkpie off Desmond 's.
23
00:01:06,201 --> 00:01:08,521
But that's not the actor.
That's not his name.
24
00:01:08,641 --> 00:01:10,601
I didn't know his name,
so I said, "Do Porkpie,
25
00:01:10,721 --> 00:01:12,601
"so I knows who it is."
How much for Porkpie?
26
00:01:12,721 --> 00:01:15,001
Er, well, less than an actual pork pie.
27
00:01:17,201 --> 00:01:21,041
What would be good for you is to
try and target, like, film people,
28
00:01:21,161 --> 00:01:24,201
musicians, and then maybe if you
get them to sign
29
00:01:24,321 --> 00:01:27,321
a photo or some of their memorabilia
from their film, or something.
30
00:01:27,441 --> 00:01:29,401
You can't give me any money for these,
then?
31
00:01:29,521 --> 00:01:30,441
I don't think so, no.
32
00:01:30,561 --> 00:01:31,961
Out the way, mate.
33
00:01:32,081 --> 00:01:33,041
Sorry, but good luck.
34
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:36,121
New kid in town. All right?
Welcome to the big league. Bang.
35
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:39,001
Bang.
36
00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:40,241
OK.
37
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:41,441
- That's me with Baby Spice.
- Yeah.
38
00:01:41,561 --> 00:01:42,921
That's me with Dermot O'Leary.
- Yeah.
39
00:01:43,041 --> 00:01:44,881
That's me with Lesley Joseph.
40
00:01:45,001 --> 00:01:46,681
- Yeah...
- That's me with Clare Balding.
41
00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,601
You don't have to say, "That's me."
I can...
42
00:01:48,721 --> 00:01:50,361
I'm getting the idea that that's you.
43
00:01:50,481 --> 00:01:52,641
- Have you got any that you're not in?
- No, not in this.
44
00:01:52,761 --> 00:01:53,921
No?
45
00:01:54,041 --> 00:01:55,801
It is less valuable with you...
46
00:01:55,921 --> 00:01:56,841
It's what?
47
00:01:56,961 --> 00:01:59,961
It's less valuable to have yourself,
like, in the middle of the...
48
00:02:00,081 --> 00:02:04,441
If you look round here, you'll see that
most of these pictures don't have you in.
49
00:02:04,561 --> 00:02:05,601
He has got a point, Kev.
50
00:02:05,721 --> 00:02:07,281
- None of them.
- None of them, yeah.
51
00:02:07,401 --> 00:02:09,561
All right. Katie Holmes.
Back of a pub menu.
52
00:02:09,681 --> 00:02:11,521
- Katie Holmes?
- Yeah.
53
00:02:11,641 --> 00:02:13,721
In a Harvester?
54
00:02:13,841 --> 00:02:16,041
Katie Holmes in a Harvester? Was she?
55
00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:17,721
Yeah.
56
00:02:17,841 --> 00:02:19,081
What did she order?
57
00:02:20,361 --> 00:02:21,641
Butternut squash.
58
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:27,001
It's not on here. Yeah, I don't...
I don't know. I don't think it's her.
59
00:02:27,121 --> 00:02:28,681
Well, her name's there, Katie Holmes.
60
00:02:28,801 --> 00:02:31,241
Someone's name's there, yeah.
She would have put "Katie",
61
00:02:31,361 --> 00:02:32,721
- rather than just
- All right.
62
00:02:32,841 --> 00:02:33,881
Uncle Ben.
63
00:02:35,281 --> 00:02:37,361
What do you...?
He's not real, is he?
64
00:02:37,481 --> 00:02:38,961
Do you mean the guy
that makes the rice?
65
00:02:39,081 --> 00:02:40,961
He is real, mate!
That's his signature, mate.
66
00:02:41,081 --> 00:02:43,761
I can see you've got a signature.
Did you meet him?
67
00:02:43,881 --> 00:02:45,801
Did you... Did you meet him
at a premiere or something?
68
00:02:45,921 --> 00:02:46,841
No.
69
00:02:46,961 --> 00:02:48,681
So how...? This is what I'm...
How did you get this?
70
00:02:48,801 --> 00:02:50,401
I wrote to the rice company.
71
00:02:50,521 --> 00:02:53,281
Right, well, that's just someone...like
a PR from the rice company, isn't it?
72
00:02:53,401 --> 00:02:54,561
- Is it?
- Yeah.
73
00:02:54,681 --> 00:02:56,281
He's not real.
74
00:02:56,401 --> 00:02:59,161
He wouldn't sign...
He wouldn't sign this "Uncle Ben".
75
00:02:59,281 --> 00:03:02,001
Well, then, you won't
be interested in Mr Sheen.
76
00:03:03,241 --> 00:03:05,681
Right, come on. Call it a day.
77
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,841
Thank you.
78
00:03:08,961 --> 00:03:12,361
Well, honestly,
what a waste of time that was, wash 't it?
79
00:03:12,481 --> 00:03:13,521
I mean, embarrassing.
80
00:03:13,641 --> 00:03:17,841
just more bullshit from Kev, and
Derek looks up to him. It annoys me.
81
00:03:17,961 --> 00:03:19,841
I know their heart's in the right place,
but honestly.
82
00:03:19,961 --> 00:03:21,761
It's like knocking about
with Dumb and Dumber sometimes.
83
00:03:25,201 --> 00:03:26,961
Agh! Derek, for God's sake, mate!
84
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,401
- What?
- Derek!
85
00:03:28,521 --> 00:03:30,961
- What?
- You're breaking my arm, mate.
86
00:03:31,081 --> 00:03:33,121
I can't... I cannot breathe.
I can't breathe.
87
00:03:33,241 --> 00:03:34,721
I'm good at wrestling, ain't I?
88
00:03:34,841 --> 00:03:36,761
One of the best.
89
00:03:36,881 --> 00:03:38,481
He's over-excited today.
90
00:03:38,601 --> 00:03:39,721
Going on a day trip.
91
00:03:39,841 --> 00:03:41,201
Yeah, Dumpton Gap!
92
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:43,361
I've got my bloody head
in your Dumpton Gap!
93
00:03:43,481 --> 00:03:46,201
He's strong, you see?
He's stronger than he looks.
94
00:03:46,321 --> 00:03:50,441
A strong sort of...
I don't know, like an octopus.
95
00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:52,521
A strong, huggy mollusc.
96
00:03:52,641 --> 00:03:54,521
Are you actually trying
to get out of it, Kev?
97
00:03:54,641 --> 00:03:58,681
No point. He can't move, cos I've
got him locked between my thighs.
98
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:02,721
He can't... He can't...
He can't stop me. He can't defeat me.
99
00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:06,761
So we got him a game of Twister.
100
00:04:06,881 --> 00:04:09,281
Just to make it seem
a little bit more normal,
101
00:04:09,401 --> 00:04:12,281
just in case the council
popped in unannounced.
102
00:04:13,761 --> 00:04:16,641
He doesn't play it.
He doesn't get the mat out.
103
00:04:16,761 --> 00:04:17,801
Hejustjumps on me.
104
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:18,881
At least...
105
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,801
Right, Derek, that's...
That's...tight, that.
106
00:04:23,481 --> 00:04:25,401
He can't breathe.
Look, he's going red.
107
00:04:25,521 --> 00:04:27,081
You have to let him do it.
108
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:30,081
Look. Look at the red.
And it goes white for a little while.
109
00:04:31,281 --> 00:04:34,161
I can't move.
You can't keep doing this, Derek.
110
00:04:34,281 --> 00:04:35,961
- What?
- This.
111
00:04:36,081 --> 00:04:38,321
This was never part of
the job description for me.
112
00:04:38,441 --> 00:04:40,441
No-one ever warned me of this.
113
00:04:40,561 --> 00:04:42,481
I loves wrestling.
114
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:44,281
I'm strong and grabby.
115
00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:46,801
I don't like real fighting.
116
00:04:46,921 --> 00:04:48,041
In real fighting,
117
00:04:48,161 --> 00:04:50,841
you fights people what you don't like,
so you can hurt 'em.
118
00:04:50,961 --> 00:04:54,841
But in wrestling,
I wrestles people what I do like.
119
00:04:56,241 --> 00:04:57,721
It's like strong cuddling, really.
120
00:04:58,761 --> 00:05:01,561
Strong cuddling?
Is that what he calls it?
121
00:05:02,961 --> 00:05:05,601
Honestly, there's times when
I wish he didn't like me as much.
122
00:05:05,721 --> 00:05:08,481
His affection's
going to kill me one day.
123
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:11,321
What a way to go that is!
Having Derek on top of me.
124
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:13,481
You see, the thing is,
he weighs more than he looks.
125
00:05:13,601 --> 00:05:16,481
He weighs like a little...
Well, not little, it's like a gorilla.
126
00:05:16,601 --> 00:05:18,161
Having a gorilla on top of you.
127
00:05:18,281 --> 00:05:19,961
Derek?
128
00:05:20,081 --> 00:05:22,881
Thing is, I try and get out of it
and I can't cos he's strong,
129
00:05:23,001 --> 00:05:25,121
so I end up thinking,
"I know, I'll play dead."
130
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:26,721
It doesn't work, he nods off.
131
00:05:28,641 --> 00:05:29,921
Is he asleep?
132
00:05:31,321 --> 00:05:32,441
- Derek?
- What?
133
00:05:32,561 --> 00:05:33,921
You nodded off.
134
00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:41,641
- Have a brilliant time.
- All right.
135
00:05:41,761 --> 00:05:42,801
You look after yourselves.
136
00:05:42,921 --> 00:05:43,841
Keep 'em safe.
137
00:05:43,961 --> 00:05:45,561
- See you later, Derek.
- See you later.
138
00:05:45,681 --> 00:05:46,601
Take lots of photos for me, won't you?
139
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:47,881
- Yeah, I will.
- I want some pictures.
140
00:05:48,001 --> 00:05:50,001
See you later, bye. Have fun.
141
00:05:50,121 --> 00:05:51,201
- You take care.
- See you later.
142
00:05:51,321 --> 00:05:52,361
- See you.
- Bye.
143
00:05:52,481 --> 00:05:54,401
- Bye-bye.
- Have a nice day.
144
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,041
Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Barry.
145
00:05:56,161 --> 00:05:57,681
- You take it easy.
- Oh, thanks.
146
00:05:57,801 --> 00:06:00,121
See you. Bye-bye.
147
00:06:00,241 --> 00:06:01,761
BYE-bye.
148
00:06:01,881 --> 00:06:03,321
Take care, Precious.
149
00:06:05,641 --> 00:06:07,441
Have fun. See you, then.
150
00:06:10,841 --> 00:06:13,641
Would have been nice to go,
but someone has to stay behind
151
00:06:13,761 --> 00:06:17,401
cos obviously some of the residents
can't go.
152
00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:19,241
Some of them don't want to go.
153
00:06:19,361 --> 00:06:21,241
So, um...
154
00:06:21,361 --> 00:06:23,761
And I've got a new resident
moving in today, Mrs Shaw,
155
00:06:23,881 --> 00:06:26,121
so we have to be here to register her.
156
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:28,881
So, er, I'd better crack on.
157
00:06:29,001 --> 00:06:31,321
Those urinals
aren't going to clean themselves.
158
00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,041
How long will it take to get there?
159
00:06:49,161 --> 00:06:50,201
A couple of hours.
160
00:06:50,321 --> 00:06:52,121
Is it faster... Is it faster than a train?
161
00:06:52,241 --> 00:06:53,841
Er...
162
00:06:53,961 --> 00:06:55,601
Could you race a train, if there...?
163
00:06:55,721 --> 00:06:57,361
Can you just let me
get out the car park?
164
00:06:57,481 --> 00:06:59,001
Yeah. Could you race a train?
165
00:06:59,121 --> 00:07:02,961
If the train... If there was a motorway,
right, and there was a train track,
166
00:07:03,081 --> 00:07:06,481
what would win if it was straight,
both straight, both going the same place?
167
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:08,201
If it was a Lamborghini...
168
00:07:11,201 --> 00:07:14,281
What would win...what would win
between a unicorn and a gerbil?
169
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,681
It's stuff that wouldn't meet.
They'd never...
170
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:18,281
If they did meet, they wouldn't sort of
have a disagreement.
171
00:07:19,401 --> 00:07:23,601
The unicorn's got a horn,
but if the gerbil bit it, it had AIDS -
172
00:07:23,721 --> 00:07:27,001
not AIDS, rabies - it would kill it.
173
00:07:27,121 --> 00:07:29,841
What would win out of AIDS and rabies?
174
00:07:29,961 --> 00:07:32,121
When are they having a race, Derek?!
175
00:07:32,241 --> 00:07:35,001
No, not in racing terms now,
like, fighting each other.
176
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:39,321
Who would die first, AIDS versus
rabies? If they met in the blood,
177
00:07:39,441 --> 00:07:40,921
who would win out of AIDS and...?
178
00:07:41,041 --> 00:07:43,401
Do you know what? It might be
a different result every time.
179
00:07:43,521 --> 00:07:46,721
- Could you... Could you give AIDS cancer?
180
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:49,841
If...if a dog had got rabies,
attacked a man with AIDS
181
00:07:49,961 --> 00:07:51,881
and the man bit him
182
00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:53,561
and the dog bit the man,
183
00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:55,241
would the dog get AIDS?
184
00:07:55,361 --> 00:07:56,561
- It's not safe.
- And the...
185
00:07:56,681 --> 00:07:59,081
- You can't concentrate.
186
00:07:59,201 --> 00:08:00,601
- Here you are!
- What's that?
187
00:08:00,721 --> 00:08:03,681
What would win... What would win
out of an ambulance and a police car...
188
00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,001
- I can't concentrate. It's mental, this.
- ...and a fire engine?
189
00:08:06,121 --> 00:08:08,881
It's funny, innit, how you can get told
off for being on a mobile whilst driving?
190
00:08:09,001 --> 00:08:10,161
I ask... I ask questions.
191
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,921
Surely this has
got to be dangerous, hasn't it?
192
00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:13,361
- Having Derek sat behind you.
- I ask questions...
193
00:08:13,481 --> 00:08:14,681
This is not safe.
194
00:08:17,561 --> 00:08:18,561
Hannah, the manager...
195
00:08:18,681 --> 00:08:23,281
Hi! Hi. Hello. I'm Hannah.
Hello, welcome to Broad Hill.
196
00:08:23,401 --> 00:08:24,321
It's lovely to see you.
197
00:08:24,441 --> 00:08:25,401
Hannah?
198
00:08:25,521 --> 00:08:26,961
Rebecca.
199
00:08:27,081 --> 00:08:28,241
Shaw.
200
00:08:29,521 --> 00:08:32,201
Ohhh! Shaw, yes!
201
00:08:32,321 --> 00:08:34,841
Oh, we...went to school together.
202
00:08:34,961 --> 00:08:38,041
Well, till you left
when you were about 15.
203
00:08:39,481 --> 00:08:40,961
16, yeah.
204
00:08:41,081 --> 00:08:44,161
Oh, I stayed on till I was 18
cos I did, you know, loads of A levels,
205
00:08:44,281 --> 00:08:46,041
but you didn't even do GCSEs, did you?
206
00:08:47,121 --> 00:08:48,721
No.
207
00:08:50,841 --> 00:08:53,121
You... Do you need qualifications
to work here?
208
00:08:54,521 --> 00:08:55,521
Yeah.
209
00:08:55,641 --> 00:08:57,881
What? So you passed something, then.
That's brilliant!
210
00:08:58,001 --> 00:08:59,521
Really proud.
211
00:08:59,641 --> 00:09:01,201
Yeah!
212
00:09:03,801 --> 00:09:06,161
Shall we get a cup of tea? Do you want
a cup of tea? Shall we have a seat?
213
00:09:06,281 --> 00:09:10,321
Let me introduce you to...
to everyone that's here.
214
00:09:10,441 --> 00:09:12,241
Er, this is Sheila.
215
00:09:12,361 --> 00:09:13,761
And this is Lizzie.
216
00:09:13,881 --> 00:09:16,961
And this is Prem.
217
00:09:17,081 --> 00:09:18,401
- Derek?
- What?
218
00:09:18,521 --> 00:09:21,241
- A horse walks into a pub.
- Yeah.
219
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:24,281
The barman says,
"Why the long face?"
220
00:09:25,641 --> 00:09:27,121
Cos it's a horse, innit?
221
00:09:27,241 --> 00:09:29,321
No, it's not because it's a horse.
222
00:09:29,441 --> 00:09:34,241
Forget it, mate. Here's a joke.
Two Chinamen walk into a pub.
223
00:09:34,361 --> 00:09:36,161
Barman says, "Why the same face?"
224
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,321
- A racist?
- Yeah.
225
00:09:40,521 --> 00:09:41,761
We need to stop.
226
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:42,801
Why?
227
00:09:42,921 --> 00:09:43,841
I need a piss.
228
00:09:43,961 --> 00:09:45,881
He needs a piss. I needs a wee as well.
229
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:47,681
just hang on.
230
00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:48,761
Go on, Kev.
231
00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:49,881
All right, go on.
232
00:09:53,881 --> 00:09:55,081
Don't be ages.
233
00:09:57,041 --> 00:09:59,601
Kevin, what are you doing?!
Why do you think I pulled over here?
234
00:09:59,721 --> 00:10:02,161
There's a load of bushes there.
Go and have a piss over there!
235
00:10:02,281 --> 00:10:04,721
- All right!
- Pissing on me wheel arch!
236
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:10,241
Like looking at Whipsnade,
innit? Look at 'em!
237
00:10:13,121 --> 00:10:14,721
I hate this. I hate stopping,
238
00:10:14,841 --> 00:10:16,281
cos everyone you've overtaken,
239
00:10:16,401 --> 00:10:18,681
they're going past me again
and I'm losing time.
240
00:10:18,801 --> 00:10:20,761
Could've had a piss before we left.
241
00:10:23,481 --> 00:10:26,401
It's another excuse for Kev, though,
innit, to get his cock in his hand.
242
00:10:26,521 --> 00:10:27,441
What's that?
243
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:28,841
Shush!
- What is it?
244
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,641
A sebaceous cyst.
245
00:10:34,641 --> 00:10:36,321
Keep that to yourself.
246
00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:48,321
You're quiet, Derek.
247
00:10:48,441 --> 00:10:50,561
I've just seen the worstest penis
in the whole world.
248
00:10:50,681 --> 00:10:51,641
Snitch!
249
00:10:51,761 --> 00:10:53,081
I didn't say whose penis it was.
250
00:10:53,201 --> 00:10:56,081
It's obviously mine, cos it's
the worstest penis in the whole world.
251
00:10:56,201 --> 00:10:57,561
All right, Pam?
252
00:11:11,641 --> 00:11:12,721
What?
253
00:11:12,841 --> 00:11:14,401
I wondered why you weren't on Facebook.
254
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:21,721
When am I going to go on
Facebook? What would I put on there?
255
00:11:21,841 --> 00:11:23,601
"Changed a bedpan"?
256
00:11:23,721 --> 00:11:26,321
I've never been a go-getter.
257
00:11:28,201 --> 00:11:30,521
Unless you count going to get
prescriptions for this lot.
258
00:11:33,081 --> 00:11:34,041
It's funny, you know,
259
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,881
seeing Rebecca Shaw's made me feel
a bit sorry for myself.
260
00:11:39,321 --> 00:11:41,961
With her five-bedroom house
and her six-figure salary
261
00:11:42,081 --> 00:11:45,201
and her Prada bag
and herjimmy Choo shoes.
262
00:11:47,281 --> 00:11:49,641
Never heard her talk about any friends,
though, did I?
263
00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:53,001
Never talked about anyone but herself.
264
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:56,761
Joan used to say,
"You make a living from what you get.
265
00:11:56,881 --> 00:11:58,441
"You make a life from what you give."
266
00:12:00,121 --> 00:12:03,001
Derek makes nothing
and he gives everything.
267
00:12:04,761 --> 00:12:06,121
And then I found myself thinking,
268
00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:08,201
"I can't wait for Derek
and Dougie to get back."
269
00:12:09,961 --> 00:12:11,201
Even Kev!
270
00:12:12,561 --> 00:12:14,681
And that's not normal.
271
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,201
I wish Hannah was here,
272
00:12:16,321 --> 00:12:19,121
but she's got to stay back cos some people
are a bit too weak to come on a thing,
273
00:12:19,241 --> 00:12:20,761
so she looks after them.
274
00:12:20,881 --> 00:12:23,241
I misses her,
but she's looking after 'em,
275
00:12:23,361 --> 00:12:25,201
and I'm looking after these lot.
276
00:12:26,641 --> 00:12:28,121
Everyone's had a nice day, probably.
277
00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:29,641
Innit?
278
00:12:29,761 --> 00:12:32,281
Yes, she's good as gold, Hannah.
279
00:12:32,401 --> 00:12:34,561
The job's really important to her,
do you know what I mean?
280
00:12:34,681 --> 00:12:37,481
She'd love to be coming out
for a day trip today,
281
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:40,201
but her duty comes first,
do you know what I mean?
282
00:12:40,321 --> 00:12:43,521
There's people back at the home
who needs looking after.
283
00:12:43,641 --> 00:12:45,681
And duty comes first.
284
00:12:47,081 --> 00:12:48,001
And you know,
285
00:12:48,121 --> 00:12:50,361
I'm sure her life hasn't turned out
exactly as she planned,
286
00:12:50,481 --> 00:12:52,841
but that's because she always
thinks of others before herself.
287
00:12:55,561 --> 00:12:58,441
# When she was just a girl
288
00:12:58,561 --> 00:13:02,041
# She expected the world
289
00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:05,881
# But it flew away from her reach
290
00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:08,561
# And the bullets catch in her teeth
291
00:13:08,681 --> 00:13:12,881
# Life goes on, it gets so heavy
292
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,681
# The wheel breaks the butterfly
293
00:13:16,801 --> 00:13:19,601
# Every tear a waterfall
294
00:13:19,721 --> 00:13:25,321
# In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
295
00:13:26,601 --> 00:13:33,001
# In the night, the stormy night
Away she flies
296
00:13:33,121 --> 00:13:36,881
# I dream of para-para-paradise
297
00:13:37,001 --> 00:13:39,921
# Para-para-paradise
298
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:43,921
# Para-para-paradise
299
00:13:44,041 --> 00:13:47,041
# Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
300
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:50,281
# Dream of para-para-paradise
301
00:13:50,401 --> 00:13:53,921
# Para-para-paradise
302
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:57,561
# Para-para-paradise
303
00:13:57,681 --> 00:14:00,921
# Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
304
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,241
# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
305
00:14:04,361 --> 00:14:08,041
# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
306
00:14:08,161 --> 00:14:11,601
# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
307
00:14:11,721 --> 00:14:14,921
# Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh. #
308
00:14:16,401 --> 00:14:18,001
It's all right, innit?
309
00:14:19,681 --> 00:14:21,161
It's all you need, innit?
310
00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:24,681
I don't know why people go abroad
311
00:14:24,801 --> 00:14:26,761
when they've got this on their doorstep.
312
00:14:28,121 --> 00:14:31,721
But no, this is all I need, this.
A bit of peace and quiet.
313
00:14:31,841 --> 00:14:34,081
Dougie? Dougie!
314
00:14:34,201 --> 00:14:35,241
Douglas!
315
00:14:35,361 --> 00:14:38,161
There you are. Peace and quite
over with for the day.
316
00:14:38,281 --> 00:14:39,721
- Dougie.
- What?
317
00:14:39,841 --> 00:14:43,041
Right, what would win
if all the sea creatures got and foughted
318
00:14:43,161 --> 00:14:45,841
all the, um, um, land creatures
sort of on the beach here?
319
00:14:45,961 --> 00:14:48,121
So, so, it was...
320
00:14:48,241 --> 00:14:50,441
some that can't swim
could fight ones that can swim.
321
00:14:50,561 --> 00:14:52,201
Like a shark could fight a lion...
322
00:14:53,721 --> 00:14:54,761
Got to get there first.
323
00:14:54,881 --> 00:14:55,921
Can you manage?
324
00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:57,721
Jesus! You're heavier than you look!
325
00:15:00,841 --> 00:15:03,281
No, you've missed it again.
You've missed it.
326
00:15:03,401 --> 00:15:06,161
You've got to hit it this way,
not that way.
327
00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:09,081
Cos you might as well not be sat there.
It's coming round anyway.
328
00:15:11,321 --> 00:15:12,761
No, you keep missing it. Hit it.
329
00:15:12,881 --> 00:15:14,281
There you are.
330
00:15:14,401 --> 00:15:16,761
There you are. You've missed it again.
331
00:15:16,881 --> 00:15:20,601
Right, I'll hit it that way,
you hit it this way.
332
00:15:20,721 --> 00:15:22,561
Hit it now!
333
00:15:22,681 --> 00:15:24,201
Now!
334
00:15:24,321 --> 00:15:26,121
- Right.
- Now.
335
00:15:27,401 --> 00:15:29,041
- Now!
- Bloody 'ell!
336
00:15:30,161 --> 00:15:31,281
Have you ever played polo?
337
00:15:31,401 --> 00:15:32,921
No.
338
00:15:33,041 --> 00:15:35,201
Oh, right, because I've got
this polo pony, right.
339
00:15:35,321 --> 00:15:38,881
They're smaller than normal horses,
OK, and they're called ponies.
340
00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:40,841
- Do you know what a chukka is?
- No.
341
00:15:40,961 --> 00:15:44,641
It's sort of like a game. It's a sort of
a game of polo, type thing. Anyway...
342
00:15:44,761 --> 00:15:45,721
Hello!
343
00:15:45,841 --> 00:15:47,521
Right, do you want any help or...
344
00:15:47,641 --> 00:15:49,881
Oh, yes, always.
345
00:15:50,001 --> 00:15:52,201
This is Mrs Shaw.
She's a new resident coming in today
346
00:15:52,321 --> 00:15:55,121
and this is Rebecca, her daughter.
347
00:15:55,241 --> 00:15:57,561
This is Vicky. She's a volunteer.
348
00:15:57,681 --> 00:15:59,681
- You don't get paid?
- No.
349
00:15:59,801 --> 00:16:01,721
Heart's not really going
to be in it, then, is it?
350
00:16:01,841 --> 00:16:05,721
Well, the shit either comes off the bog
or it don't, to be honest.
351
00:16:07,721 --> 00:16:10,761
Actually, I find volunteers to be
just as hard-working as paid staff.
352
00:16:10,881 --> 00:16:13,761
Yeah, you wouldn't get me with
my hands down a toilet for nothing.
353
00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:15,041
Bit of a mug's game, that.
354
00:16:15,161 --> 00:16:17,681
You'll have your head down one
if you call me a mug again.
355
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:20,841
Right, shall we get you started, Vicky?
Let's...
356
00:16:23,321 --> 00:16:24,961
God.
357
00:16:25,081 --> 00:16:26,641
It's disgusting.
358
00:16:26,761 --> 00:16:28,681
I hope Hannah is giving her
a good talking-to.
359
00:16:28,801 --> 00:16:30,561
She won't last long
if she's got any sense.
360
00:16:30,681 --> 00:16:33,001
Don't you dare put her head
down the bog without getting me
361
00:16:33,121 --> 00:16:34,041
to help you first.
362
00:16:36,481 --> 00:16:41,681
# I was lying on the grass
on Sunday morning of last week
363
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:44,521
# Indulging in my self defeats
364
00:16:46,601 --> 00:16:48,881
# My mind was thugged
All laced and bugged
365
00:16:49,001 --> 00:16:50,721
# All twisted round and beat
366
00:16:50,841 --> 00:16:54,401
# Uncomfortable three feet deep
367
00:16:55,761 --> 00:16:59,161
# Now the fuzzy stare from
not being there
368
00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:00,761
# On a confusing morning week
369
00:17:00,881 --> 00:17:03,761
# Impaired my tribal lunar-speak
370
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:08,601
# And of course you can't become
371
00:17:08,721 --> 00:17:11,121
# If you only say what you would've done
372
00:17:11,241 --> 00:17:14,481
# So I missed a million miles of fun
373
00:17:16,721 --> 00:17:21,561
# I know it's up for me
If you steal my sunshine
374
00:17:21,681 --> 00:17:24,041
# Making sure I'm not in too deep... #
375
00:17:25,361 --> 00:17:27,601
Really interesting, innit?
Sort of coming out...
376
00:17:27,721 --> 00:17:32,761
You know, if you're a successful,
powerful, intellectual woman
377
00:17:32,881 --> 00:17:36,801
coming into the world,
people get really intimidated.
378
00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:38,321
Mm.
379
00:17:38,441 --> 00:17:40,361
You know, you get chatted up all the time.
380
00:17:40,481 --> 00:17:44,521
On one hand,
they are really attracted to you...
381
00:17:44,641 --> 00:17:45,681
attracted to me.
382
00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:48,441
Um...sexually attracted to me,
and whatever,
383
00:17:48,561 --> 00:17:49,681
and then we start talking
384
00:17:49,801 --> 00:17:52,401
and then I can see their face
fall a little bit as they realise
385
00:17:52,521 --> 00:17:55,321
that I'm probably
more intelligent than they are...
386
00:17:58,201 --> 00:18:00,481
It's a snail, look. It's made a road.
387
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:03,961
It's like it's made a little road,
a little trail.
388
00:18:04,081 --> 00:18:06,561
That's why it probably...
maybe can find its way back.
389
00:18:06,681 --> 00:18:08,561
Is it trying to get to the sea?
390
00:18:10,201 --> 00:18:11,801
Dunno.
391
00:18:14,881 --> 00:18:16,001
I'll see if it goes that way.
392
00:18:16,121 --> 00:18:18,601
See if I can suggest
a new route to it.
393
00:18:19,761 --> 00:18:23,041
Will this confuse it, if I does that
and it goes back on itself?
394
00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:24,881
It thinks, "I've already done this bit."
395
00:18:33,361 --> 00:18:34,641
What are you doing?
396
00:18:34,761 --> 00:18:36,001
Writing on crabs.
397
00:18:36,121 --> 00:18:38,401
What's all that about?
- He's writing on crabs.
398
00:18:40,081 --> 00:18:42,321
What? What the motherfuck
are you writing on crabs for?
399
00:18:42,441 --> 00:18:44,961
Weird question. Why aren't you
writing on crabs, mate?
400
00:18:45,081 --> 00:18:46,801
That's a better question.
401
00:18:46,921 --> 00:18:48,921
No, it's not.
Why are you writing on crabs?
402
00:18:49,961 --> 00:18:51,841
Flat, shiny surface, mate. Marker pen.
403
00:18:51,961 --> 00:18:53,201
You do the math.
404
00:18:53,321 --> 00:18:55,041
Irresistible, boy.
405
00:18:55,161 --> 00:18:57,161
Just written "twat" on this one.
406
00:18:57,281 --> 00:19:00,401
If I could find a bigger one,
I'd write "carpet muncher".
407
00:19:00,521 --> 00:19:02,921
What other words are you writing?
408
00:19:03,041 --> 00:19:05,761
Quim, tampon.
409
00:19:07,401 --> 00:19:08,561
There's "muff" 'ere.
410
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,041
There's "cock" over there.
411
00:19:10,161 --> 00:19:12,161
I've never heard anyone
going down to the seaside
412
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,681
sort of doing this little activity.
413
00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:16,721
Using crabs as fucking
Post-it Notes.
414
00:19:16,841 --> 00:19:18,841
Who are you, crab police?
415
00:19:18,961 --> 00:19:20,281
Honestly, you amaze me.
416
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,001
What's "boll"?
417
00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:25,881
"Boll" and "ocks".
418
00:19:26,001 --> 00:19:27,841
They only make sense together.
419
00:19:27,961 --> 00:19:29,561
They' re like jedwa rd .
420
00:19:31,041 --> 00:19:32,601
"Boll" and "ocks".
421
00:19:32,721 --> 00:19:33,761
Go on, boys.
422
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,281
Go and annoy the world.
423
00:19:36,561 --> 00:19:37,761
Can you find "tits"?
424
00:19:41,041 --> 00:19:42,281
Scuttled off.
425
00:20:40,481 --> 00:20:42,801
Junior Greenpeace.
Do you remember that?
426
00:20:42,921 --> 00:20:44,241
And I got sent that ring.
427
00:20:44,361 --> 00:20:46,921
Do you remember that I had that
silver dolphin ring at school?
428
00:20:47,041 --> 00:20:48,761
- Do you remember that?
- Yes.
429
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:50,801
I found... I went on a cruise, right,
to Fiji...
430
00:20:50,921 --> 00:20:53,601
- Hey! You're back late.
- Yes. Got you that.
431
00:20:53,721 --> 00:20:54,801
- Is that for me?
- Yeah.
432
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:55,881
Brilliant. I missed you.
433
00:20:56,001 --> 00:20:57,241
Yes, I missed you.
434
00:20:57,361 --> 00:20:58,361
Aw!
435
00:20:59,561 --> 00:21:02,281
This isjill Shaw, the lady I told you
about, that moved in today.
436
00:21:02,401 --> 00:21:04,041
- This is her daughter, Rebecca.
- Hello.
437
00:21:04,161 --> 00:21:06,801
Kev wroted "twat" on a crab.
438
00:21:06,921 --> 00:21:07,841
Did you? Why?
439
00:21:07,961 --> 00:21:09,001
Yes, with marker pen.
440
00:21:09,121 --> 00:21:10,881
And "muff" and...
441
00:21:11,001 --> 00:21:11,881
- Quim.
- Yeah, quim.
442
00:21:12,001 --> 00:21:13,041
- Anus.
- Yeah.
443
00:21:13,161 --> 00:21:14,041
Brilliant.
444
00:21:14,161 --> 00:21:16,641
I saw his knob
and it's the worstest knob in the world.
445
00:21:16,761 --> 00:21:17,681
- Yeah.
- Really?
446
00:21:17,801 --> 00:21:19,521
It's terrible.
It's like a dinosaur's knob.
447
00:21:19,641 --> 00:21:22,121
Because it's, like, bony,
but it's got lumps on it.
448
00:21:23,441 --> 00:21:24,481
Interested?
449
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:26,401
- Hmm...
- And he said it's a...
450
00:21:26,521 --> 00:21:28,361
- herbaceous cyst.
- Sebaceous cyst!
451
00:21:28,481 --> 00:21:30,281
Yes. Sebaceous cyst.
452
00:21:30,401 --> 00:21:31,601
These are my friends.
453
00:21:32,801 --> 00:21:33,881
FriendSU)
454
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:36,521
What did you have for lunch?
Fish and chips.
455
00:21:36,641 --> 00:21:38,001
You should get some of those.
456
00:21:38,121 --> 00:21:39,401
What?
457
00:21:41,161 --> 00:21:42,321
Fine. I'd better go.
458
00:21:43,401 --> 00:21:46,321
Sorry I haven't turned out
the way you wanted, Mother.
459
00:21:46,441 --> 00:21:47,561
I've achieved enough.
460
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:50,441
Obviously I've been
a disappointment to you.
461
00:21:50,561 --> 00:21:52,841
It's always been the other way round
and you know it, dear.
462
00:21:53,961 --> 00:21:54,881
On you go.
463
00:21:55,001 --> 00:21:56,881
- Bye.
- See you.
464
00:21:57,001 --> 00:21:58,161
Hello. Nice to meet you.
465
00:21:58,281 --> 00:22:00,561
This is Derek.
Derek works here as well.
466
00:22:00,681 --> 00:22:02,521
This is Dougie.
467
00:22:02,641 --> 00:22:04,921
And this is... This is, um, Kev.
468
00:22:05,041 --> 00:22:08,721
She'll get over it,
back at her five-bedroom house.
469
00:22:08,841 --> 00:22:10,321
She ain't got room for her mum, though.
470
00:22:11,641 --> 00:22:13,001
Five bedrooms.
471
00:22:13,121 --> 00:22:14,841
I've got 23 bedrooms.
472
00:22:14,961 --> 00:22:16,361
And I've got a six-figure salary
473
00:22:16,481 --> 00:22:18,841
if you count the two
after the decimal point.
474
00:22:21,641 --> 00:22:24,281
Still, I suppose it was nice to see her
after all these years.
475
00:22:26,441 --> 00:22:28,681
She hasn't changed a bit.
476
00:22:28,801 --> 00:22:30,561
She always was a cunt.
35753
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