Original subtitles

I'm Derek Noakes.

I works here at Broad Hill... Nursing Home for the elderly, care home.

I loves it here. It's brilliant.

All my favouritest people are here.

My best friend is Dougie, right? And I also lives with him.

He's the caretaker here.

- You didn't hear me coming. - No.

I love wrestling. But he's got to be careful, cos I sneaks up, don't I?

Yeah.

And Kev, he's my other friend, as well.

He sometimes stays on the floor at Dougie 's.

He doesn't work here. He doesn't work.

He doesn't do anything.

He's always talking about his... penis and testicles, isn't he?

That's all he's got.

And he doesn't even want his, he doesn't care about his, do you?

I'd get rid of it tomorrow.

You all right?

And best of all is Hannah.

She's the manager here, and she's the nicest person in the world.

She cares for everyone.

Everyone gets on here.

Well, Dougie and Kev are always arguing,

but they likes that.

It's funny.

What are you looking at?

I knows.

- What? Hair.

I don't understand it, mate.

He said it's the worstest haircut what he's ever seen ever on planet Earth.

Don't worry about it. Anyway, it's nature.

It's not nature, mate. - It is nature. It is nature.

That's exactly what it is. This bit fucked off.

That bit stayed. Don't worry about it.

It's not your problem.

I've got so many best friends... I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Did I tell you my name, Derek Noakes?

I I

- You all right? - Yeah. You all right?

Yeah.

Hannah's new boyfriend, Tom.

He's a nice guy. We've been out for a drink.

That's it.

Tom, you know your ship?

- Yeah. - Could it beat a whale? Is it big enough?

- Whale? What, in a fight? - Yeah, if it was like...

- If they bumped into each other? - Yeah. Yeah.

I think we'd still survive.

What's that thing the whale does when itjumps up and splattens it?

- With a tail flick? - Yeah.

- What, you think, could it do that to... - Knock it over?

What about five whales?

If they were working together as a team?

- As a gang? - As a gang-

- If they were co-ordinated? - Yeah.

Five at once?

If a rhino was as big as a whale, could it beat a whale?

Cos that's, like, the most powerful, innit?

I think a rhino's smaller than a whale.

Yeah, I know, but if it was the same size, would it be...

- And it had the horn? - Yeah, yeah, charging at it.

- Yeah. - And, you know...it might...

You doing Hannah, mate?

What?

You doing Hannah? I'll take that as a yes, mate.

Ah, good call, wise choice. She doesn't put it about, so...

No?

Nah... She's not pregnant either.

I doubt there's any venereal disease

sort of banging around in her basement, so...

If I'm being honest with you, mate, I'd happily do her,

even if she was pregnant with venereal disease, so...

- That's very sweet of you. - Beggars can't be choosers, mate.

These lot aren't bothering you, are they?

No, no, no.

Derek's just been asking me every possible outcome of animals fighting

and Donjuan here has just told me you're not pregnant or diseased.

But don't worry, even if you were, he still would.

Still would.

The people from the council are coming in today,

so I'm running around, trying to make sure everything's in order.

Trying to stay one step ahead of the game.

Let's move these. Mick, no money.

I have now.

No, you can't gamble for money. The council are here.

This has got to go. Lesley, this has got to move, and this Hoover, please.

That's my favourite thing in here. Apart from the people.

Fred the frog.

Where's Dougie? That shouldn't be here.

Lesley, please, help me out.

You can't leave a Hoover in the middle of the floor!

Henry Hoover.

Yeah, Derek, can you pick that up for me, please?

Come on, Theresa, help me out. OK?

This area is fine.

This is Dougie's.

Lizzie, have you got your teeth in? OK.

Lizzie, can you just do a general check round for me?

Thank you. Dougie!

- If you'd like to have a seat. - Right, thank you.

I dread these council visits.

I don't know what they want to see me about.

It's probably to introduce another bit of red tape

to make my job even harder.

They don't care.

They just have to make sure that their costs come in on budget.

It's not good news, Hannah.

You see, in the budgets for the year,

obviously, we have to prioritise, and because this isn't a big home,

we thought it would be easiest to re-home the 20 or so residents...

- 22. - Oh, 22...

...22 residents into a few of the bigger facilities

in and around the area.

I'm not re-homing them.

Well, I can understand your reluctance, but without funding,

it would be a struggle to run the home efficiently.

Well, it's a struggle to run it efficiently with the funding.

Well, exactly. I do understand.

Do you?

Well, fine. Well, we'll fund the place ourselves.

Yeah, well, no, it's not quite that easy.

You see, you still have to show that you can provide

all the necessary standards.

You can't just let people live here and fend for themselves.

Sorry? Who do you think you're talking to?

Why would I let people fend for themselves?

No, no, Hannah, all I'm saying is

that at the moment we're assessing the situation.

If we think this can be funded despite the cuts,

we might be able to save the place.

I've never understood budgets when it comes to things like this.

It costs what it costs.

If it costs more than some person in a suit thought it would,

it doesn't mean we're overspending, it means your stupid guess was wrong.

50% of your total costs are on staff.

Could we streamline there?

What does "streamline" mean?

Oh, just trim away the fat, that's all.

They're snooping around now, trying to find ways to cut corners.

Good luck!

Oh, shit - Kev.

You've got to get rid of Kev. Council are in.

Get rid of him for about an hour.

Why an hour? He shouldn't be here full stop.

just get rid of him.

He's harmless enough, you know, but Derek has taken a shine to him, so...

if he wasn't here, he'd be dead in a skip.

Bullshit, mate. It's bullshit.

- I had to touch him. - Well done.

He fucking stinks.

Oh, dear.

- Where's Kev? - He's outside, airing.

- What? - I've put him outside to air. He stinks.

Dougie. Councilman.

This is the dining area.

I'm off. I'll see you later, Derek. See you later on.

Douglas... Dougie. This is Roger and this is...?

- Karen. - Karen.

- This is Douglas. - Douglas.

He's our...caretaker and handyman,

and jack of all trades, really, aren't you?

You're responsible for everything, are you?

Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Right.

I'm getting off, yeah?

Oh, see you, then.

And this is the, er...telly area.

- Yes. - And a few of our residents.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

This is Derek.

Yeah - Derek, Lizzie, Sheila, Edna, Pam.

Precious. What's your name?

I'm Roger, and this is Karen.

Roger, Karen, Roger, Karen. Roger.

Roger that.

Very good.

Maybe we could all have a chat...

- Yeah, we'll have a chat, shall we? - Later.

- Shall I show you the bedrooms? - Would be good, yes.

OK, they're just through here.

- See you in a bit. - Bye-bye.

Bye.

You're a general fix-it man, are you?

Yeah, if it's broke, they call me, yeah, they call for Dougie.

What sort of training do you have, Dougie?

They just want to talk to the staff one on one, ask a few questions.

They're just chatting to Dougie now, so...

All I want to do is find out a few simple things

about what it is you actually do.

I've told you, I do everything.

I've got a broken cup here, that needs fixing.

I can see...

I've got a meerkat here, a solar-powered meerkat from the garden.

It's knackered. I'll fix that. I fixed the toaster this morning.

Right...

Pop back next week, all this will be sorted and I'll have

another pile of shit to fix! I don't know what you want from me.

I'm a little bit worried about the electrics thing, Dougie.

If you don't have any training...

It's not that hard, Roger.

Really?

Yeah. It's not that hard. It's three wires, innit?

- Well... - Brown, blue and sort of earth.

Put them in the right ones, you're away.

You're making it seem like it's a massive drama.

We're talking about a toaster.

It was just a loose wire. I fixed it.

They've got toast again.

I don't know what the form is, I just see you ticking boxes all the time.

You don't have to know what the form is.

It's just a few notes about what it is you do, who you are,

how you fit in here.

Yeah, If it in. I do fit in.

Well, I can see that. I can see you...do a lot around here.

Everything. I do everything.

I think we've got pretty much all we want.

- Good. - Right.

They're treating me like a twat... coming in here, looking at what I'm doing.

They're looking for problems. The moment he walked in here,

he didn't want to hear good news from me.

He's looking for problems.

I reckon it causes more problems, them coming around.

You know, the old 'uns, they find it stressful with some stranger

coming around with a suit on, eyeing everybody up and down.

They don't think of that, though, do they?

No, nothing's going to change at all, OK? It's fine.

I won't let anything happen.

They wouldn't move us somewhere? - No. Absolutely not.

They don't want to go anywhere else. Why would they?

It's great here, innit? They love it.

Everyone gets on. We're like one big family.

And then they come in, messing it up.

The thing is, they want to find problems so they can close us down.

Waste the money on something else.

- Tea? Yes.

OK.

Got to find the word, wordsearch. It's bands. Chico, she's found.

- Coolio we need to find next... - Derek?

What?

Can you get those tadpoles out of the sink, put 'em in the pond?

No. Fish'll eat 'em.

- Can you just do it? - No, cos...thousands would be dead.

Murderer... Mass murderer.

Tadpole Hitler.

I'd quite like to have a look at the lunches.

Can you supply something for us?

Yeah. Absolutely. We've got all the menus and everything.

- Right. - We try and keep a nice variety for them.

- And it's...nutritious? - Of course. Absolutely.

It's not wee. Tadpoles.

Hannah said put 'em in the pond while you're snooping round.

I'm not going to put them in the pond.

I'lljust leave them outside, and I'll put 'em in the bath,

back in the bathroom when he goes.

OK. Putting the tadpoles outside until he goes.

And then I'll put 'em back in the bath.

Look, one's starting to get his legs.

- Oh. - He's a froglet.

- Yes, yes. - Yeah.

Are those carers?

They're volunteers. Well, two of them are volunteers.

One of them is on community service.

Really? I thought you couldn't work here if you had a criminal record.

Well, it's never anything bad.

You know, and we can do with all the help we can get.

This is Theresa, and Lesley, and Mick.

Mick's the one doing community service.

Yeah.

Just doing a few days with us, aren't you, Mick?

So what did you do to land yourself in here?

Threw something in my neighbour's skip.

See, it's never anything that bad.

What, and he called the police? What did you throw in there?

His wife, she was doing my fucking head in.

This is jack.

Arthur.

- This is the low-dependency corridor. - It's nice.

People come and go as they please, you know, so...

Hi, Annie.

Oh, hi.

You all right?

He needed a kip.

Yeah, just had a kip. You weren't bothered, were you?

Nah, it didn't bother me.

- No, it didn't bother her, so I just... Get the fuck out.

Bloody hell, charming, innit

God! just hold on...

There you go.

I was worried about, you know, little things,

like a cable across something

or a wobbly chair or something like that.

I didn't expect them to see Kev's bollocks.

None of us did.

But once the council have been... They've been snooping round,

so they'll get rid of us two straightaway.

We're not needed. Get all the old people out.

- No. - That's what will happen.

No, I understand we can save the house

by just raising the money ourselves. jumble sales...

- It's a nice idea, Derek... - Hannah, we can save the place, can't we?

- Yeah. Next stop is a petition. - Petition.

Yeah, if you get enough signatures, you can hand it in officially.

Well, he does signatures!

Best in the business, mate. - He's got 35,000.

He's wasted an entire life getting them.

Yeah. How many do we need?

Well, 100,000 and you can hand it in to Parliament.

100,000?!

Yeah, but I was just speaking to Linda Garvey over at Parkview and they...

- Alzheimer's. - Yeah,

they got saved from closure with 5,000 signatures

so in that case, you know, it worked.

- I mean, it could all come up again. - Let's get the signatures, then.

Yeah, go down Hampstead High Street.

People love to get involved, don't they? Bored housewives.

How bored?

What?

These housewives, how bored are they? Are they bored sexually?

Are they choosy? Do they want a bit of Twineage?

- A bit of piston thrusting? - Have you just totally forgot the reason

- why we're going down there? - No, I haven't, mate.

But I just want a bit of pudding.

Pudding? - Yeah, sex pudding.

That's great

Where do they want to move us, anyway?

I don't know all the ins and outs. It doesn't make sense, Derek.

Just someone who's a bit of a jobsworth.

Want to change things that aren't broken.

Interfering.

The world's full of them.

This is Dougie's job, I works in the centre...same as Dougie.

Kev doesn't... Kev hasn't got a job, have you? Have you, Kev?

No.

- He claims... What, do you claim benefit? - Yeah.

- What do you claim it for? - Everything.

What... What... What have you ever put into the system?

I spread a lot of seed around.

It's just constantly on his mind.

Yeah. Kev said you are one of the ugliest people he's ever met

because of your hair.

- Didn't you, Kev? - Yeah.

- I'm not bothered. Do something to it. Hairspray it.

There's no point. I know it looks stupid.

People yell stuff at me all the time.

The other day, someone shouted, "There's an egg with sideburns!"

Water off a duck's back.

As long as it's annoying you, I'm gonna leave it.

Why does Hampstead sound like "hamster"?

Why has hamster got "ham" in it? What...

Why isn't a pig called a hamster? Hamster. Ham...

Derek, watch what you're doing! just...

- Kevin, will you keep an eye on him?! - All right! It's not my job, is it?

I knows... I knows what I'm doing.

Holding on to a 50-year-old bloke, it's weird.

Look at that puppy-

Excuse me, will you save Broad Hill?

She'll sign it. Hello.

All right, love? Let's break the ice.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choirboy!

She didn't sign it either.

They haven't got a clue, have they? I don't know

how many signatures they've had. Is it going to make any difference, really?

Are we really going to save the home by them two? Look at 'em.

The saviours of Broad Hill Nursing Home

What a mess!

- Excuse me, do you live around here? - Sorry.

- Do you live around here? - Yeah.

- Can I use your toilet? - Sorry.

Desperation, isn't it?

Well, you can see, it's as soon as Kev goes towards someone, look,

just avoiding him.

I don't blame 'em.

You all right? How you doing? Very nice.

Is that your mum? Yeah? I'm going to cut to the chase,

I've got absolutely no chance with you unless you're, you know,

a prostitute or smackhead or something.

In fact, I think I do stand a chance with you,

especially if I can get you a little bit pissed-up and teary.

You're meant to be getting signatures

to save the old people's home. You're just chatting up women.

- Stay away from the women. - Never!

Joanna Lumley wasn't all over the Gurkhas.

I wouldn't mind Joanna Lumley all over my fucking Gurkhas!

Absolutely Fabulous, she was.

Pointless.

Try and not worry about it, you know?

I'll keep talking to 'em and they said we could fund ourselves,

so we're always fundraising, aren't we?

So it's not a problem. And me and Marge could always

- go on the game.

The money I'd get wouldn't keep us in biscuits!

It's Meadway, Meadway Animal Centre.

Excellent. My best day.

Oh, it's the Meadway. They bring a few pooches and moggies

for the, erm, residents to have a cuddle with.

They're the local pet rescue centre.

They get a bit of grant money for pet therapy, so it's lovely, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah, we always enjoy it

and they bring the older, more docile animals

in for 'em and the pets get smothered with attention

and the old folks get a furry companion for the afternoon. The problem is,

these lot never want to let them go, so...

I loves all animals, but Ivor's probably my favourite

because he's always keen and he likes that ball, right,

and he brings it back. And he's got a tail like a sausage.

He thinks it's like a big tail, but it's not, it's just like that,

like a little sausage, innit?

Look at his face, look at his face. Look at how he loves that ball.

It's the best thing what he's ever seen.

Oops! Did you see that?

Hello, Ivor! Come here. Hello, Ivor!

Why does he fight to get the ball and then he brings it back?

Why doesn't he just keep the ball?

Because they likes chasing things, don't they?

A dog is the most enthusia... Enthusiastic, is that a word?

The most enthusiastic thing on the planet.

It just goes... If you go, "Do you want to do this?",

it goes, "Definitely. That's my best thing."

See that? He caught it. And he brings it back. Magical.

Best thing in the world, animals.

I wish they could keep the animals for longer because

it's so good for the residents, particularly when they've had all

the stress they've had with worrying about the future of the home.

I might ask if they can leave them here tonight.

- Excuse me? - Yes?

Do you think it would be possible to leave the animals here

- and pick them up tomorrow? - They can't be left unattended.

- Oh. - Someone would have to

stay up with them all night.

Fight. OK. OK.

We'll get through it.

We'lljust do what we have to do.

You have to, don't you?

90% of care home residents die within six months of being re-homed, so...

I'm not going to let that happen.

This is their home.

They've got every right to stay here till the end.

Not a lot to ask, is it?

People think care means three meals a day and a bed.

But it means caring.

And if you don't care, you shouldn't be in the job.

They deserve all the same pleasures as anyone else.

just because they're old and poor and weak, they're forgotten.

Hannah.

Look, since we last spoke, I've had a look at the figures,

and it probably comes as no surprise to say that we won't be able to fund

this building in the light of the current economic situation.

OK. Well, that's fine. We'll fund ourselves. Thank you.

Well, not quite that simple.

You see, I've still got a couple of qualms.

Derek. Um...

What exactly is his situation? He's, uh...

He's different.

Yeah, he's different, yeah.

I mean, he's the most popular, kindest, best worker

anyone here has ever met, so he is different, yeah.

That's not what I meant. I mean, is he, uh...

Is he handicapped?

Yeah, he's too nice for his own good.

No, I meant, could he be autistic?

But what if the chimp had a gun, then the bear...

Where's a chimp going to get a gun from?

I don't know, off a policeman who wasn't concentrating?

- Derek. - What?

- Can I have a word? - Yeah.

Have you ever been tested for autism?

I'm no good at tests.

What?

Would you mind seeing someone?

Who?

- Well, an expert, a doctor. You don't have to.

- If I am...tistic... What is it? - Autistic.

- Au...? - Tistic.

That's what I said. Tistic.

If I am tistic, will I die?

- No. - No, no. But at least we'd know.

Would I have to go into hospital

- and do experiments on me? - No!

So would it... Would it change me in any way? Would I be the same person?

Yes.

Don't worry about it, then.

I think we've covered everything, haven't we, Roger?

I think we have. I think everything's done now, isn't it, Roger?

I think you've got everything, haven't you? Ticked enough boxes?

I think you've managed to piss everybody off since you've been here,

so you could shoot off now, couldn't you?

You got anything else to do whilst you're here?

I'll just let you know, for your form,

that toaster, I've given it a go, it's fine, nothing wrong with it.

I had a lovely bit of toast. No danger, no-one's died.

- Yeah, all right... - You can shoot off now,

cos you don't know anything.

You don't know that she did 68 hours last week.

She's not meant to. She's meant to be doing 40. She's done 68, and why is that?

Because of people like you.

Go. You've got nothing to do here.

In fact, you've probably got more to do back at the office, haven't you,

sorting out your expenses?

Your little fish pie you have at business lunches and all that.

Get back and sort all that out!

You know I've caught you out, you're walking away again.

I've caught you out, you knobhead.

- Dougie... - Yeah, I know, I'm fired, yeah?

No. Do you want a cup of tea?

- A cup of tea?

- I'd love a cup of tea, yeah. - Well, I'll bring it down to you.