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1
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I'm Derek Noakes.
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I works here at Broad Hill...
Nursing Home for the elderly, care home.
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I loves it here. It's brilliant.
4
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All my favouritest people are here.
5
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My best friend is Dougie, right?
And I also lives with him.
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He's the caretaker here.
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- You didn't hear me coming.
- No.
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I love wrestling. But he's got to be
careful, cos I sneaks up, don't I?
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Yeah.
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And Kev, he's my other friend, as well.
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He sometimes stays on the floor
at Dougie 's.
12
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He doesn't work here. He doesn't work.
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He doesn't do anything.
14
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He's always talking about his...
penis and testicles, isn't he?
15
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That's all he's got.
16
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And he doesn't even want his,
he doesn't care about his, do you?
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I'd get rid of it tomorrow.
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You all right?
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And best of all is Hannah.
20
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She's the manager here,
and she's the nicest person in the world.
21
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She cares for everyone.
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Everyone gets on here.
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Well, Dougie and Kev are always arguing,
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but they likes that.
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It's funny.
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What are you looking at?
27
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I knows.
28
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- What?
Hair.
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I don't understand it, mate.
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He said it's the worstest haircut
what he's ever seen ever on planet Earth.
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Don't worry about it. Anyway, it's nature.
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It's not nature, mate.
- It is nature. It is nature.
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That's exactly what it is.
This bit fucked off.
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That bit stayed. Don't worry about it.
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It's not your problem.
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I've got so many best friends...
I'm the luckiest man in the world.
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Did I tell you my name, Derek Noakes?
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I I
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- You all right?
- Yeah. You all right?
40
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Yeah.
41
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Hannah's new boyfriend, Tom.
42
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He's a nice guy.
We've been out for a drink.
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That's it.
44
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Tom, you know your ship?
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- Yeah.
- Could it beat a whale? Is it big enough?
46
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- Whale? What, in a fight?
- Yeah, if it was like...
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- If they bumped into each other?
- Yeah. Yeah.
48
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I think we'd still survive.
49
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What's that thing the whale does
when itjumps up and splattens it?
50
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- With a tail flick?
- Yeah.
51
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- What, you think, could it do that to...
- Knock it over?
52
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What about five whales?
53
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If they were working together as a team?
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- As a gang?
- As a gang-
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- If they were co-ordinated?
- Yeah.
56
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Five at once?
57
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If a rhino was as big as a whale,
could it beat a whale?
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Cos that's, like, the most powerful,
innit?
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I think a rhino's
smaller than a whale.
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Yeah, I know, but if it was the same size,
would it be...
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- And it had the horn?
- Yeah, yeah, charging at it.
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- Yeah.
- And, you know...it might...
63
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You doing Hannah, mate?
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What?
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You doing Hannah?
I'll take that as a yes, mate.
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Ah, good call, wise choice.
She doesn't put it about, so...
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No?
68
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Nah... She's not pregnant either.
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I doubt there's any venereal disease
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sort of banging around
in her basement, so...
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If I'm being honest with you, mate,
I'd happily do her,
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even if she was pregnant
with venereal disease, so...
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- That's very sweet of you.
- Beggars can't be choosers, mate.
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These lot aren't bothering you, are they?
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No, no, no.
76
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Derek's just been asking me
every possible outcome of animals fighting
77
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and Donjuan here has just told me
you're not pregnant or diseased.
78
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But don't worry, even if you were,
he still would.
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Still would.
80
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The people from the council
are coming in today,
81
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so I'm running around,
trying to make sure everything's in order.
82
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Trying to stay
one step ahead of the game.
83
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Let's move these. Mick, no money.
84
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I have now.
85
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No, you can't gamble for money.
The council are here.
86
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This has got to go. Lesley, this has got
to move, and this Hoover, please.
87
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That's my favourite thing in here.
Apart from the people.
88
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Fred the frog.
89
00:04:11,641 --> 00:04:14,041
Where's Dougie?
That shouldn't be here.
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Lesley, please, help me out.
91
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You can't leave a Hoover
in the middle of the floor!
92
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Henry Hoover.
93
00:04:18,281 --> 00:04:20,401
Yeah, Derek, can you pick that up
for me, please?
94
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Come on, Theresa, help me out. OK?
95
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This area is fine.
96
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This is Dougie's.
97
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Lizzie, have you got your teeth in? OK.
98
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Lizzie, can you just do
a general check round for me?
99
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Thank you. Dougie!
100
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- If you'd like to have a seat.
- Right, thank you.
101
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I dread these council visits.
102
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I don't know what
they want to see me about.
103
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It's probably to introduce
another bit of red tape
104
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to make my job even harder.
105
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They don't care.
106
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They just have to make sure
that their costs come in on budget.
107
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It's not good news, Hannah.
108
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You see,
in the budgets for the year,
109
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obviously, we have to prioritise,
and because this isn't a big home,
110
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we thought it would be easiest
to re-home the 20 or so residents...
111
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- 22.
- Oh, 22...
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...22 residents into
a few of the bigger facilities
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in and around the area.
114
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I'm not re-homing them.
115
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Well, I can understand your reluctance,
but without funding,
116
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it would be a struggle
to run the home efficiently.
117
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Well, it's a struggle to run it
efficiently with the funding.
118
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Well, exactly. I do understand.
119
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Do you?
120
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,041
Well, fine.
Well, we'll fund the place ourselves.
121
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Yeah, well, no, it's not quite that easy.
122
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You see, you still have to show
that you can provide
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all the necessary standards.
124
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You can't just let people live here
and fend for themselves.
125
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Sorry?
Who do you think you're talking to?
126
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Why would I let people
fend for themselves?
127
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No, no, Hannah, all I'm saying is
128
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that at the moment
we're assessing the situation.
129
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If we think this can be funded
despite the cuts,
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we might be able to save the place.
131
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I've never understood budgets
when it comes to things like this.
132
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It costs what it costs.
133
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If it costs more than some person
in a suit thought it would,
134
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it doesn't mean we're overspending,
it means your stupid guess was wrong.
135
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50% of your total costs are on staff.
136
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Could we streamline there?
137
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What does "streamline" mean?
138
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Oh, just trim away the fat, that's all.
139
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They're snooping around now,
trying to find ways to cut corners.
140
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Good luck!
141
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Oh, shit - Kev.
142
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You've got to get rid of Kev.
Council are in.
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Get rid of him for about an hour.
144
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Why an hour?
He shouldn't be here full stop.
145
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just get rid of him.
146
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He's harmless enough, you know,
but Derek has taken a shine to him, so...
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if he wasn't here, he'd be dead in a skip.
148
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Bullshit, mate. It's bullshit.
149
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- I had to touch him.
- Well done.
150
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He fucking stinks.
151
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Oh, dear.
152
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- Where's Kev?
- He's outside, airing.
153
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- What?
- I've put him outside to air. He stinks.
154
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Dougie. Councilman.
155
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This is the dining area.
156
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I'm off. I'll see you later, Derek.
See you later on.
157
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Douglas... Dougie.
This is Roger and this is...?
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- Karen.
- Karen.
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- This is Douglas.
- Douglas.
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He's our...caretaker and handyman,
161
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and jack of all trades, really,
aren't you?
162
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You're responsible for everything,
are you?
163
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Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
164
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Right.
165
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I'm getting off, yeah?
166
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Oh, see you, then.
167
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And this is the, er...telly area.
168
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- Yes.
- And a few of our residents.
169
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Hello.
Hello. Hello.
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This is Derek.
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Yeah - Derek, Lizzie, Sheila, Edna, Pam.
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Precious. What's your name?
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I'm Roger, and this is Karen.
174
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Roger, Karen, Roger, Karen. Roger.
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Roger that.
176
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Very good.
177
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Maybe we could all have a chat...
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- Yeah, we'll have a chat, shall we?
- Later.
179
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- Shall I show you the bedrooms?
- Would be good, yes.
180
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OK, they're just through here.
181
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- See you in a bit.
- Bye-bye.
182
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Bye.
183
00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:12,081
You're a general fix-it man, are you?
184
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Yeah, if it's broke, they call me,
yeah, they call for Dougie.
185
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What sort of training do you have, Dougie?
186
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They just want to talk to the staff
one on one, ask a few questions.
187
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They're just chatting to Dougie now, so...
188
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All I want to do is find out
a few simple things
189
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about what it is you actually do.
190
00:08:29,601 --> 00:08:30,801
I've told you, I do everything.
191
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I've got a broken cup here,
that needs fixing.
192
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I can see...
193
00:08:33,761 --> 00:08:36,121
I've got a meerkat here,
a solar-powered meerkat from the garden.
194
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It's knackered. I'll fix that.
I fixed the toaster this morning.
195
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Right...
196
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Pop back next week, all this
will be sorted and I'll have
197
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another pile of shit to fix!
I don't know what you want from me.
198
00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:48,201
I'm a little bit worried
about the electrics thing, Dougie.
199
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If you don't have any training...
200
00:08:50,081 --> 00:08:51,361
It's not that hard, Roger.
201
00:08:51,481 --> 00:08:52,401
Really?
202
00:08:52,521 --> 00:08:54,801
Yeah. It's not that hard.
It's three wires, innit?
203
00:08:54,921 --> 00:08:57,921
- Well...
- Brown, blue and sort of earth.
204
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Put them in the right ones, you're away.
205
00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:02,521
You're making it seem like
it's a massive drama.
206
00:09:02,641 --> 00:09:04,441
We're talking about a toaster.
207
00:09:04,561 --> 00:09:06,521
It was just a loose wire. I fixed it.
208
00:09:06,641 --> 00:09:07,641
They've got toast again.
209
00:09:07,761 --> 00:09:11,361
I don't know what the form is,
I just see you ticking boxes all the time.
210
00:09:11,481 --> 00:09:13,361
You don't have to know what the form is.
211
00:09:13,481 --> 00:09:15,801
It's just a few notes about
what it is you do, who you are,
212
00:09:15,921 --> 00:09:16,841
how you fit in here.
213
00:09:16,961 --> 00:09:18,961
Yeah, If it in. I do fit in.
214
00:09:19,081 --> 00:09:22,681
Well, I can see that.
I can see you...do a lot around here.
215
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Everything. I do everything.
216
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I think we've got pretty much all we want.
217
00:09:27,201 --> 00:09:29,081
- Good.
- Right.
218
00:09:32,121 --> 00:09:35,961
They're treating me like a twat...
coming in here, looking at what I'm doing.
219
00:09:36,081 --> 00:09:38,561
They're looking for problems.
The moment he walked in here,
220
00:09:38,681 --> 00:09:40,601
he didn't want to hear good news from me.
221
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:42,281
He's looking for problems.
222
00:09:46,481 --> 00:09:49,601
I reckon it causes more problems,
them coming around.
223
00:09:51,681 --> 00:09:55,001
You know, the old 'uns,
they find it stressful with some stranger
224
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coming around with a suit on,
eyeing everybody up and down.
225
00:09:59,201 --> 00:10:01,521
They don't think of that, though, do they?
226
00:10:01,641 --> 00:10:04,041
No, nothing's going to change at all, OK?
It's fine.
227
00:10:04,161 --> 00:10:05,601
I won't let anything happen.
228
00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:08,601
They wouldn't move us somewhere?
- No. Absolutely not.
229
00:10:08,721 --> 00:10:11,761
They don't want to go
anywhere else. Why would they?
230
00:10:11,881 --> 00:10:13,721
It's great here, innit? They love it.
231
00:10:14,761 --> 00:10:17,281
Everyone gets on.
We're like one big family.
232
00:10:18,721 --> 00:10:21,041
And then they come in, messing it up.
233
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:25,921
The thing is, they want to find problems
so they can close us down.
234
00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:28,521
Waste the money on something else.
235
00:10:28,641 --> 00:10:30,681
- Tea?
Yes.
236
00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:32,121
OK.
237
00:10:32,241 --> 00:10:35,601
Got to find the word, wordsearch.
It's bands. Chico, she's found.
238
00:10:35,721 --> 00:10:37,001
- Coolio we need to find next...
- Derek?
239
00:10:37,121 --> 00:10:38,041
What?
240
00:10:38,161 --> 00:10:39,921
Can you get those tadpoles
out of the sink, put 'em in the pond?
241
00:10:40,041 --> 00:10:41,361
No. Fish'll eat 'em.
242
00:10:41,481 --> 00:10:44,521
- Can you just do it?
- No, cos...thousands would be dead.
243
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:47,481
Murderer... Mass murderer.
244
00:10:48,761 --> 00:10:50,481
Tadpole Hitler.
245
00:10:52,481 --> 00:10:54,121
I'd quite like to have a look
at the lunches.
246
00:10:54,241 --> 00:10:55,481
Can you supply something for us?
247
00:10:55,601 --> 00:10:57,521
Yeah. Absolutely.
We've got all the menus and everything.
248
00:10:57,641 --> 00:11:00,521
- Right.
- We try and keep a nice variety for them.
249
00:11:00,641 --> 00:11:03,241
- And it's...nutritious?
- Of course. Absolutely.
250
00:11:09,081 --> 00:11:11,361
It's not wee. Tadpoles.
251
00:11:11,481 --> 00:11:14,721
Hannah said put 'em in the pond
while you're snooping round.
252
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,721
I'm not going to put them in the pond.
253
00:11:16,841 --> 00:11:19,201
I'lljust leave them outside,
and I'll put 'em in the bath,
254
00:11:19,321 --> 00:11:21,361
back in the bathroom when he goes.
255
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:24,601
OK. Putting the tadpoles outside
until he goes.
256
00:11:24,721 --> 00:11:26,721
And then I'll put 'em back in the bath.
257
00:11:26,841 --> 00:11:30,441
Look, one's starting to get his legs.
258
00:11:30,561 --> 00:11:31,641
- Oh.
- He's a froglet.
259
00:11:31,761 --> 00:11:33,481
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
260
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:34,801
Are those carers?
261
00:11:34,921 --> 00:11:38,121
They're volunteers.
Well, two of them are volunteers.
262
00:11:38,241 --> 00:11:41,001
One of them is on community service.
263
00:11:41,121 --> 00:11:44,081
Really? I thought you couldn't work here
if you had a criminal record.
264
00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:46,441
Well, it's never anything bad.
265
00:11:46,561 --> 00:11:49,721
You know, and we can do with
all the help we can get.
266
00:11:52,161 --> 00:11:55,161
This is Theresa, and Lesley, and Mick.
267
00:11:55,281 --> 00:11:57,761
Mick's the one doing community service.
268
00:11:57,881 --> 00:11:59,001
Yeah.
269
00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,841
Just doing a few days with us,
aren't you, Mick?
270
00:12:03,961 --> 00:12:07,041
So what did you do
to land yourself in here?
271
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,121
Threw something in my neighbour's skip.
272
00:12:09,241 --> 00:12:10,641
See, it's never anything that bad.
273
00:12:10,761 --> 00:12:13,321
What, and he called the police?
What did you throw in there?
274
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,721
His wife,
she was doing my fucking head in.
275
00:12:18,361 --> 00:12:19,681
This is jack.
276
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:21,801
Arthur.
277
00:12:21,921 --> 00:12:24,161
- This is the low-dependency corridor.
- It's nice.
278
00:12:24,281 --> 00:12:28,641
People come and go as they please,
you know, so...
279
00:12:28,761 --> 00:12:30,001
Hi, Annie.
280
00:12:30,121 --> 00:12:31,121
Oh, hi.
281
00:12:31,241 --> 00:12:32,161
You all right?
282
00:12:32,281 --> 00:12:33,721
He needed a kip.
283
00:12:33,841 --> 00:12:36,361
Yeah, just had a kip.
You weren't bothered, were you?
284
00:12:36,481 --> 00:12:37,761
Nah, it didn't bother me.
285
00:12:37,881 --> 00:12:40,081
- No, it didn't bother her, so I just...
Get the fuck out.
286
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,681
Bloody hell, charming, innit
287
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:45,761
God! just hold on...
288
00:12:50,721 --> 00:12:52,081
There you go.
289
00:12:52,201 --> 00:12:55,521
I was worried about,
you know, little things,
290
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:57,841
like a cable across something
291
00:12:57,961 --> 00:12:59,681
or a wobbly chair or something like that.
292
00:12:59,801 --> 00:13:02,241
I didn't expect them to see
Kev's bollocks.
293
00:13:04,441 --> 00:13:06,121
None of us did.
294
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:09,401
But once the council have been...
They've been snooping round,
295
00:13:09,521 --> 00:13:11,401
so they'll get rid of us two straightaway.
296
00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:13,841
We're not needed.
Get all the old people out.
297
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,761
- No.
- That's what will happen.
298
00:13:15,881 --> 00:13:17,161
No, I understand we can save the house
299
00:13:17,281 --> 00:13:19,041
by just raising the money ourselves.
jumble sales...
300
00:13:19,161 --> 00:13:21,161
- It's a nice idea, Derek...
- Hannah, we can save the place, can't we?
301
00:13:21,281 --> 00:13:23,681
- Yeah. Next stop is a petition.
- Petition.
302
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:26,001
Yeah, if you get enough signatures,
you can hand it in officially.
303
00:13:26,121 --> 00:13:27,121
Well, he does signatures!
304
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,761
Best in the business, mate.
- He's got 35,000.
305
00:13:29,881 --> 00:13:31,121
He's wasted an entire life
getting them.
306
00:13:31,241 --> 00:13:32,601
Yeah. How many do we need?
307
00:13:32,721 --> 00:13:34,561
Well, 100,000 and you can
hand it in to Parliament.
308
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:35,881
100,000?!
309
00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:39,121
Yeah, but I was just speaking to
Linda Garvey over at Parkview and they...
310
00:13:39,241 --> 00:13:40,481
- Alzheimer's.
- Yeah,
311
00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,841
they got saved from closure
with 5,000 signatures
312
00:13:42,961 --> 00:13:44,561
so in that case, you know, it worked.
313
00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:47,041
- I mean, it could all come up again.
- Let's get the signatures, then.
314
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:48,721
Yeah, go down Hampstead High Street.
315
00:13:48,841 --> 00:13:52,281
People love to get involved, don't they?
Bored housewives.
316
00:13:52,401 --> 00:13:53,561
How bored?
317
00:13:53,681 --> 00:13:54,801
What?
318
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:58,041
These housewives, how bored are they?
Are they bored sexually?
319
00:13:58,161 --> 00:14:00,601
Are they choosy?
Do they want a bit of Twineage?
320
00:14:00,721 --> 00:14:03,681
- A bit of piston thrusting?
- Have you just totally forgot the reason
321
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:04,761
- why we're going down there?
- No, I haven't, mate.
322
00:14:04,881 --> 00:14:06,201
But I just want a bit of pudding.
323
00:14:06,321 --> 00:14:08,881
Pudding?
- Yeah, sex pudding.
324
00:14:09,001 --> 00:14:10,041
That's great
325
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:15,361
Where do they want to
move us, anyway?
326
00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:17,401
I don't know all the ins and outs.
It doesn't make sense, Derek.
327
00:14:17,521 --> 00:14:20,601
Just someone
who's a bit of a jobsworth.
328
00:14:20,721 --> 00:14:22,681
Want to change things that aren't broken.
329
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:25,161
Interfering.
330
00:14:26,361 --> 00:14:28,161
The world's full of them.
331
00:14:28,281 --> 00:14:30,761
This is Dougie's job,
I works in the centre...same as Dougie.
332
00:14:30,881 --> 00:14:33,721
Kev doesn't... Kev hasn't got a job,
have you? Have you, Kev?
333
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:34,961
No.
334
00:14:35,081 --> 00:14:37,321
- He claims... What, do you claim benefit?
- Yeah.
335
00:14:37,441 --> 00:14:39,601
- What do you claim it for?
- Everything.
336
00:14:39,721 --> 00:14:43,081
What... What... What have you ever
put into the system?
337
00:14:43,201 --> 00:14:44,561
I spread a lot of seed around.
338
00:14:46,641 --> 00:14:48,641
It's just constantly on his mind.
339
00:14:48,761 --> 00:14:53,401
Yeah. Kev said you are one of
the ugliest people he's ever met
340
00:14:53,521 --> 00:14:54,921
because of your hair.
341
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:56,561
- Didn't you, Kev?
- Yeah.
342
00:14:56,681 --> 00:14:59,241
- I'm not bothered.
Do something to it. Hairspray it.
343
00:14:59,361 --> 00:15:02,361
There's no point. I know it looks stupid.
344
00:15:02,481 --> 00:15:04,161
People yell stuff at me all the time.
345
00:15:04,281 --> 00:15:07,441
The other day, someone shouted,
"There's an egg with sideburns!"
346
00:15:07,561 --> 00:15:09,521
Water off a duck's back.
347
00:15:09,641 --> 00:15:13,401
As long as it's annoying you,
I'm gonna leave it.
348
00:15:14,561 --> 00:15:17,721
Why does Hampstead
sound like "hamster"?
349
00:15:17,841 --> 00:15:19,641
Why has hamster got "ham" in it? What...
350
00:15:19,761 --> 00:15:23,041
Why isn't a pig called a hamster? Hamster.
Ham...
351
00:15:23,161 --> 00:15:25,161
Derek,
watch what you're doing! just...
352
00:15:25,281 --> 00:15:28,441
- Kevin, will you keep an eye on him?!
- All right! It's not my job, is it?
353
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:29,721
I knows... I knows what I'm doing.
354
00:15:29,841 --> 00:15:32,721
Holding on to a 50-year-old bloke,
it's weird.
355
00:15:32,841 --> 00:15:34,441
Look at that puppy-
356
00:15:36,041 --> 00:15:38,601
Excuse me, will you save Broad Hill?
357
00:15:40,641 --> 00:15:41,881
She'll sign it. Hello.
358
00:15:42,001 --> 00:15:43,881
All right, love? Let's break the ice.
359
00:15:44,001 --> 00:15:45,201
How do you get a nun pregnant?
360
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:47,841
Dress her up as a choirboy!
361
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:51,841
She didn't sign it either.
362
00:15:52,881 --> 00:15:56,121
They haven't got a clue,
have they? I don't know
363
00:15:56,241 --> 00:15:59,241
how many signatures they've had. Is it
going to make any difference, really?
364
00:15:59,361 --> 00:16:02,681
Are we really going to save the home
by them two? Look at 'em.
365
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:05,921
The saviours of Broad Hill Nursing Home
366
00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:08,801
What a mess!
367
00:16:08,921 --> 00:16:10,881
- Excuse me, do you live around here?
- Sorry.
368
00:16:11,001 --> 00:16:13,321
- Do you live around here?
- Yeah.
369
00:16:13,441 --> 00:16:15,601
- Can I use your toilet?
- Sorry.
370
00:16:15,721 --> 00:16:18,481
Desperation, isn't it?
371
00:16:18,601 --> 00:16:22,201
Well, you can see, it's as soon as Kev
goes towards someone, look,
372
00:16:22,321 --> 00:16:23,761
just avoiding him.
373
00:16:23,881 --> 00:16:25,321
I don't blame 'em.
374
00:16:25,441 --> 00:16:27,321
You all right? How you doing? Very nice.
375
00:16:27,441 --> 00:16:30,001
Is that your mum? Yeah?
I'm going to cut to the chase,
376
00:16:30,121 --> 00:16:33,281
I've got absolutely no chance with you
unless you're, you know,
377
00:16:33,401 --> 00:16:35,681
a prostitute or smackhead or something.
378
00:16:35,801 --> 00:16:37,161
In fact, I think I do stand
a chance with you,
379
00:16:37,281 --> 00:16:39,081
especially if I can get you
a little bit pissed-up and teary.
380
00:16:42,041 --> 00:16:43,361
You're meant to be getting signatures
381
00:16:43,481 --> 00:16:45,761
to save the old people's home.
You're just chatting up women.
382
00:16:45,881 --> 00:16:47,641
- Stay away from the women.
- Never!
383
00:16:47,761 --> 00:16:49,641
Joanna Lumley wasn't all over the Gurkhas.
384
00:16:49,761 --> 00:16:52,721
I wouldn't mind Joanna Lumley
all over my fucking Gurkhas!
385
00:16:53,761 --> 00:16:56,201
Absolutely Fabulous, she was.
386
00:16:57,281 --> 00:16:58,401
Pointless.
387
00:16:58,521 --> 00:17:01,001
Try and not worry about it, you know?
388
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,561
I'll keep talking to 'em
and they said we could fund ourselves,
389
00:17:03,681 --> 00:17:05,321
so we're always fundraising, aren't we?
390
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,521
So it's not a problem.
And me and Marge could always
391
00:17:08,641 --> 00:17:09,921
- go on the game.
392
00:17:10,041 --> 00:17:13,401
The money I'd get
wouldn't keep us in biscuits!
393
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,161
It's Meadway, Meadway Animal Centre.
394
00:17:19,281 --> 00:17:20,801
Excellent. My best day.
395
00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:24,041
Oh, it's the Meadway. They bring
a few pooches and moggies
396
00:17:24,161 --> 00:17:26,561
for the, erm, residents
to have a cuddle with.
397
00:17:26,681 --> 00:17:28,481
They're the local pet rescue centre.
398
00:17:28,601 --> 00:17:32,241
They get a bit of grant money
for pet therapy, so it's lovely, isn't it?
399
00:17:32,361 --> 00:17:33,881
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we always enjoy it
400
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:36,401
and they bring the older,
more docile animals
401
00:17:36,521 --> 00:17:38,601
in for 'em and the pets get
smothered with attention
402
00:17:38,721 --> 00:17:43,081
and the old folks get a furry companion
for the afternoon. The problem is,
403
00:17:43,201 --> 00:17:45,561
these lot never want to let them go, so...
404
00:17:50,281 --> 00:17:54,121
I loves all animals,
but Ivor's probably my favourite
405
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:57,001
because he's always keen
and he likes that ball, right,
406
00:17:57,121 --> 00:17:59,881
and he brings it back.
And he's got a tail like a sausage.
407
00:18:00,001 --> 00:18:02,081
He thinks it's like a big tail,
but it's not, it's just like that,
408
00:18:02,201 --> 00:18:03,241
like a little sausage, innit?
409
00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:10,001
Look at his face, look at his face.
Look at how he loves that ball.
410
00:18:10,121 --> 00:18:12,521
It's the best thing what he's ever seen.
411
00:18:12,641 --> 00:18:14,281
Oops! Did you see that?
412
00:18:14,401 --> 00:18:17,961
Hello, Ivor! Come here.
Hello, Ivor!
413
00:18:19,921 --> 00:18:22,721
Why does he fight to get the ball
and then he brings it back?
414
00:18:22,841 --> 00:18:24,201
Why doesn't he just keep the ball?
415
00:18:24,321 --> 00:18:26,441
Because they likes chasing things,
don't they?
416
00:18:26,561 --> 00:18:30,401
A dog is the most enthusia...
Enthusiastic, is that a word?
417
00:18:30,521 --> 00:18:32,721
The most enthusiastic thing
on the planet.
418
00:18:32,841 --> 00:18:34,801
It just goes...
If you go, "Do you want to do this?",
419
00:18:34,921 --> 00:18:36,281
it goes, "Definitely.
That's my best thing."
420
00:18:40,041 --> 00:18:43,041
See that? He caught it.
And he brings it back. Magical.
421
00:18:43,161 --> 00:18:46,121
Best thing in the world, animals.
422
00:18:46,241 --> 00:18:48,681
I wish they could keep
the animals for longer because
423
00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:52,041
it's so good for the residents,
particularly when they've had all
424
00:18:52,161 --> 00:18:55,081
the stress they've had with worrying
about the future of the home.
425
00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:57,281
I might ask if they can
leave them here tonight.
426
00:18:57,401 --> 00:18:59,681
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
427
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:01,521
Do you think it would be possible
to leave the animals here
428
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,121
- and pick them up tomorrow?
- They can't be left unattended.
429
00:19:04,241 --> 00:19:05,441
- Oh.
- Someone would have to
430
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,841
stay up with them all night.
431
00:19:08,041 --> 00:19:10,441
Fight. OK. OK.
432
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:15,801
We'll get through it.
433
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,561
We'lljust do what we have to do.
434
00:19:17,681 --> 00:19:18,881
You have to, don't you?
435
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:26,801
90% of care home residents die within
six months of being re-homed, so...
436
00:19:26,921 --> 00:19:28,641
I'm not going to let that happen.
437
00:19:28,761 --> 00:19:30,481
This is their home.
438
00:19:30,601 --> 00:19:33,281
They've got every right
to stay here till the end.
439
00:19:33,401 --> 00:19:35,321
Not a lot to ask, is it?
440
00:19:45,241 --> 00:19:47,841
People think care means
three meals a day and a bed.
441
00:19:47,961 --> 00:19:49,201
But it means caring.
442
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:52,081
And if you don't care,
you shouldn't be in the job.
443
00:19:53,561 --> 00:19:56,521
They deserve all the same pleasures
as anyone else.
444
00:19:56,641 --> 00:20:00,961
just because they're old and poor
and weak, they're forgotten.
445
00:20:08,761 --> 00:20:10,161
Hannah.
446
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:14,561
Look, since we last spoke,
I've had a look at the figures,
447
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:19,201
and it probably comes as no surprise
to say that we won't be able to fund
448
00:20:19,321 --> 00:20:22,881
this building in the light of
the current economic situation.
449
00:20:23,001 --> 00:20:26,281
OK. Well, that's fine.
We'll fund ourselves. Thank you.
450
00:20:26,401 --> 00:20:27,881
Well, not quite that simple.
451
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,841
You see,
I've still got a couple of qualms.
452
00:20:30,961 --> 00:20:32,641
Derek. Um...
453
00:20:32,761 --> 00:20:36,921
What exactly is his situation? He's, uh...
454
00:20:37,041 --> 00:20:38,441
He's different.
455
00:20:38,561 --> 00:20:40,401
Yeah, he's different, yeah.
456
00:20:40,521 --> 00:20:43,001
I mean, he's the most popular,
kindest, best worker
457
00:20:43,121 --> 00:20:45,281
anyone here has ever met,
so he is different, yeah.
458
00:20:45,401 --> 00:20:48,001
That's not what I meant.
I mean, is he, uh...
459
00:20:49,321 --> 00:20:51,041
Is he handicapped?
460
00:20:51,161 --> 00:20:53,961
Yeah, he's too nice for his own good.
461
00:20:54,081 --> 00:20:56,001
No, I meant, could he be autistic?
462
00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:58,201
But what if the chimp had a gun,
then the bear...
463
00:20:58,321 --> 00:20:59,881
Where's a chimp going to
get a gun from?
464
00:21:00,001 --> 00:21:01,921
I don't know, off a policeman
who wasn't concentrating?
465
00:21:02,041 --> 00:21:03,041
- Derek.
- What?
466
00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:04,601
- Can I have a word?
- Yeah.
467
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:06,321
Have you ever been tested for autism?
468
00:21:06,441 --> 00:21:07,921
I'm no good at tests.
469
00:21:08,041 --> 00:21:10,361
What?
470
00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:13,441
Would you mind seeing someone?
471
00:21:13,561 --> 00:21:14,601
Who?
472
00:21:14,721 --> 00:21:16,801
- Well, an expert, a doctor.
You don't have to.
473
00:21:18,161 --> 00:21:20,881
- If I am...tistic... What is it?
- Autistic.
474
00:21:21,001 --> 00:21:21,961
- Au...?
- Tistic.
475
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:24,401
That's what I said. Tistic.
476
00:21:24,521 --> 00:21:27,921
If I am tistic, will I die?
477
00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:30,441
- No.
- No, no. But at least we'd know.
478
00:21:30,561 --> 00:21:31,761
Would I have to go into hospital
479
00:21:31,881 --> 00:21:33,041
- and do experiments on me?
- No!
480
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:36,441
So would it... Would it change me
in any way? Would I be the same person?
481
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:37,681
Yes.
482
00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:40,601
Don't worry about it, then.
483
00:21:43,521 --> 00:21:45,321
I think we've covered everything,
haven't we, Roger?
484
00:21:45,441 --> 00:21:47,801
I think we have. I think everything's
done now, isn't it, Roger?
485
00:21:47,921 --> 00:21:50,441
I think you've got everything,
haven't you? Ticked enough boxes?
486
00:21:50,561 --> 00:21:52,681
I think you've managed to piss
everybody off since you've been here,
487
00:21:52,801 --> 00:21:54,081
so you could shoot off now, couldn't you?
488
00:21:54,201 --> 00:21:56,521
You got anything else to do
whilst you're here?
489
00:21:56,641 --> 00:21:58,201
I'll just let you know, for your form,
490
00:21:58,321 --> 00:22:00,561
that toaster, I've given it a go,
it's fine, nothing wrong with it.
491
00:22:00,681 --> 00:22:02,361
I had a lovely bit of toast.
No danger, no-one's died.
492
00:22:02,481 --> 00:22:03,921
- Yeah, all right...
- You can shoot off now,
493
00:22:04,041 --> 00:22:05,121
cos you don't know anything.
494
00:22:05,241 --> 00:22:07,361
You don't know
that she did 68 hours last week.
495
00:22:07,481 --> 00:22:10,841
She's not meant to. She's meant to be
doing 40. She's done 68, and why is that?
496
00:22:10,961 --> 00:22:12,161
Because of people like you.
497
00:22:12,281 --> 00:22:14,321
Go. You've got nothing to do here.
498
00:22:14,441 --> 00:22:16,441
In fact, you've probably got more
to do back at the office, haven't you,
499
00:22:16,561 --> 00:22:17,961
sorting out your expenses?
500
00:22:18,081 --> 00:22:20,641
Your little fish pie you have
at business lunches and all that.
501
00:22:20,761 --> 00:22:22,081
Get back and sort all that out!
502
00:22:22,201 --> 00:22:23,961
You know I've caught you out,
you're walking away again.
503
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:25,361
I've caught you out, you knobhead.
504
00:22:28,321 --> 00:22:30,321
- Dougie...
- Yeah, I know, I'm fired, yeah?
505
00:22:30,441 --> 00:22:32,321
No. Do you want a cup of tea?
506
00:22:33,321 --> 00:22:36,441
- A cup of tea?
507
00:22:36,561 --> 00:22:41,281
- I'd love a cup of tea, yeah.
- Well, I'll bring it down to you.
40330
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