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1
00:00:00,810 --> 00:00:01,935
I'm seeing someone.
2
00:00:02,267 --> 00:00:03,226
Someone I met at work.
3
00:00:03,309 --> 00:00:05,184
-Is he your boss?
-No, he's right here.
4
00:00:05,267 --> 00:00:06,768
Ted, this is Pete.
5
00:00:06,976 --> 00:00:08,434
Did you tell him
about Seth Meyers?
6
00:00:08,518 --> 00:00:09,685
-Shit.
-He's so great.
7
00:00:09,768 --> 00:00:12,351
Yeah. Dreamy.
I'm talking about Seth Myers.
8
00:00:12,434 --> 00:00:14,101
You got--
You're doing late night?
9
00:00:15,017 --> 00:00:16,309
Okay, let's go meet
your parents.
10
00:00:16,393 --> 00:00:17,184
Who's this?
11
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:19,184
Remember the weekend
that I worked in New Jersey?
12
00:00:19,267 --> 00:00:20,559
-She was there.
-Hey.
13
00:00:20,643 --> 00:00:22,309
-And what am I gonna--
-And you stayed
in the same condo?
14
00:00:22,393 --> 00:00:23,935
Can we talk about this later?
15
00:00:24,017 --> 00:00:25,184
(SOBBING)
16
00:00:25,267 --> 00:00:27,393
-Hello!
-Hi!
17
00:00:27,476 --> 00:00:29,976
-I wanna know what you think.
-Well, are you wearing a bra?
18
00:00:30,059 --> 00:00:31,351
-Is that your business?
-Mom.
19
00:00:31,434 --> 00:00:34,267
It's my business when you're
sitting next to me in church.
20
00:00:34,351 --> 00:00:35,518
We're outta here. We're going.
21
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:37,434
I'm really sorry,
and I love you.
22
00:00:37,518 --> 00:00:38,476
I love you too.
23
00:00:45,935 --> 00:00:48,476
Woman (on TV):
The judges were
in total agreement
24
00:00:48,559 --> 00:00:51,559
as to who should be
our star baker.
25
00:00:51,643 --> 00:00:53,351
Kitty, I'm gonna get going.
26
00:00:53,434 --> 00:00:55,518
What? Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
27
00:00:55,601 --> 00:00:58,267
Remember?
Ali did stand-up
on Seth Meyers?
28
00:00:58,351 --> 00:01:00,685
Some comics are gonna
get together and watch.
29
00:01:00,768 --> 00:01:02,226
Oh, no,
I'm so sleepy.
30
00:01:02,309 --> 00:01:04,434
I don't think
I can go out tonight.
31
00:01:04,518 --> 00:01:06,184
-(mumbles): Sorry.
-That's okay.
32
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,685
It's-- It's
just kinda...
33
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,476
It's like a comic thing.
Just a me thing.
34
00:01:10,559 --> 00:01:12,142
Oh, I'm not invited?
35
00:01:12,226 --> 00:01:13,559
No, of course
you're invited.
36
00:01:13,643 --> 00:01:16,309
-You're invited.
-It sounds like
I'm not invited.
37
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:19,351
No, I-- Kitty,
I barely want to go.
38
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:22,184
I just felt weird,
you know, not saying yes.
39
00:01:22,267 --> 00:01:24,726
-Okay.
-I hope it's not--
40
00:01:24,810 --> 00:01:28,393
You don't still feel
weird about Ali and me
and the road or...
41
00:01:28,476 --> 00:01:30,393
No, Pete.
I don't hate Ali.
42
00:01:30,476 --> 00:01:32,893
I just-- If you're
gonna hang out
with your ex-girlfriend,
43
00:01:32,976 --> 00:01:34,768
I would like
to know about it
44
00:01:34,851 --> 00:01:36,810
in advance,
because that was weird.
45
00:01:36,893 --> 00:01:38,518
If it-- Yeah.
46
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:43,351
-I don't have to go.
-Kitty: No, it sounds
like you should go.
47
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:46,101
It sounds
like you wanna go
and it'll be fun.
48
00:01:46,184 --> 00:01:47,518
Okay.
49
00:01:49,267 --> 00:01:51,101
-Do you want to come?
-Do you want me to come?
50
00:01:51,184 --> 00:01:53,309
I want you to come with me
if you want to come with me.
51
00:01:53,393 --> 00:01:56,101
Do you-- If--
Just, do you want to?
52
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:59,768
Well, I don't want
to come if you don't,
like, want me to come.
53
00:01:59,851 --> 00:02:01,559
You're invited, yes.
54
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,893
I want you to go
if you want to go.
55
00:02:03,976 --> 00:02:05,476
Is it gonna be fun?
56
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:08,518
Yes. Yeah!
I think so.
57
00:02:08,601 --> 00:02:11,059
Just a bunch of comedians
in a comedy club
58
00:02:11,142 --> 00:02:14,643
talking about comedy,
that's fun.
59
00:02:14,726 --> 00:02:16,393
What's more fun
than that?
60
00:02:17,434 --> 00:02:19,518
-Okay, I'll come.
-Great!
61
00:02:19,601 --> 00:02:22,768
-Let me just change.
-Okay.
62
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,476
♪ I'm wopping
I'm feeling myself, uh ♪
63
00:02:25,559 --> 00:02:28,142
♪ Jazz all in my soul
I'm killing, uh ♪
64
00:02:28,226 --> 00:02:30,309
Maybe this is
a mistake.
65
00:02:30,393 --> 00:02:31,810
-What?
-What?
66
00:02:31,893 --> 00:02:33,976
This whole party thing
just feels really excessive.
67
00:02:34,059 --> 00:02:35,976
-No.
-Right? To, like,
do it at The Cellar?
68
00:02:36,059 --> 00:02:37,559
We could just watch it
at my apartment.
69
00:02:37,643 --> 00:02:40,142
Stop it. You need
to start to learn how
to celebrate yourself.
70
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:42,226
You know, part of being
an empowered woman
71
00:02:42,309 --> 00:02:45,476
is unapologetically
showing the world
how much you matter.
72
00:02:45,559 --> 00:02:48,434
-Anaya: Thank you!
-Oh, then I wore that dress!
73
00:02:48,518 --> 00:02:50,476
I never wear dresses
to do stand-up,
74
00:02:50,559 --> 00:02:53,685
and then I suddenly
decided that was the move
for national television.
75
00:02:53,768 --> 00:02:55,267
Oh, that's
what you do!
76
00:02:55,351 --> 00:02:58,226
Don't you want to look great
when you're on a date
with destiny?
77
00:02:59,726 --> 00:03:01,351
That's why you'd wear a dress.
78
00:03:01,434 --> 00:03:03,851
How did you know
this was happening?
79
00:03:03,935 --> 00:03:05,851
I got my sources.
80
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:07,226
Pete told you?
81
00:03:07,309 --> 00:03:08,851
Yeah, he's a satisfied
client of mine.
82
00:03:08,935 --> 00:03:10,851
Listen, Ali, everyone
is here to support you.
83
00:03:10,935 --> 00:03:13,434
-Come on,
this is a big night!
-This is your night!
84
00:03:13,518 --> 00:03:15,601
It's not that big of a deal,
guys, really.
85
00:03:15,685 --> 00:03:17,017
Well, you know,
it could be.
86
00:03:17,101 --> 00:03:19,393
With the right help,
with the right support system,
87
00:03:19,476 --> 00:03:21,476
you could take this
and turn it into something big.
88
00:03:21,559 --> 00:03:23,476
You're gonna need somebody
on your team, okay?
89
00:03:23,559 --> 00:03:25,184
You can't represent yourself.
90
00:03:25,267 --> 00:03:27,309
What if Whitney Houston sang
"The Star-Spangled Banner"
91
00:03:27,393 --> 00:03:28,851
and nobody told
anybody about it?
92
00:03:28,935 --> 00:03:31,059
What if Prince did
the halftime show
at the Super Bowl
93
00:03:31,142 --> 00:03:33,393
and nobody ever saw it?
Where would we be now?
94
00:03:33,476 --> 00:03:35,768
I don't really think
managers do as much
95
00:03:35,851 --> 00:03:38,226
-as you think
managers do.
-But they could.
96
00:03:38,309 --> 00:03:40,184
I could introduce you
to Scott Disick.
97
00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:41,685
I just met him
at a rave.
98
00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:42,976
-All right.
-(crowd laughing)
99
00:03:43,059 --> 00:03:45,393
I had a heart attack
in February, and, um,
100
00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:48,017
I don't even like the fact
that I have to tell people
I had a heart attack.
101
00:03:48,101 --> 00:03:50,059
Like, I wish, you know,
I'm supposed to be famous,
102
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:53,559
you know, but it's, like,
I'm famous but nobody knows.
103
00:03:53,643 --> 00:03:56,726
Like, I'm famous
but nobody cares.
That's been my problem.
104
00:03:56,810 --> 00:03:58,643
I'm famous, but I've been famous
too many times back
105
00:03:58,726 --> 00:04:01,059
and then unfamous
and then famous again.
106
00:04:01,142 --> 00:04:03,976
And after a while, people are
just over it, unfortunately.
107
00:04:04,059 --> 00:04:06,017
Like, in this neighborhood--
true story--
108
00:04:06,101 --> 00:04:08,226
these guys were bringing
a couch up a stoop, like,
109
00:04:08,309 --> 00:04:10,393
and they recognized me,
knew my name, 'cause I'm famous.
110
00:04:10,476 --> 00:04:13,267
Guy goes, "Colin Quinn--"
he starts dropping his--
111
00:04:13,351 --> 00:04:16,601
-"Grab the other end
for a second."
-(audience laughing)
112
00:04:16,685 --> 00:04:18,434
That's not how you speak
to famous people, folks.
113
00:04:18,518 --> 00:04:20,726
You understand?
You're supposed to be
a little reverent.
114
00:04:20,810 --> 00:04:24,101
Nobody's ever like,
"Hey, Rihanna, you got
jumper cables?"
115
00:04:24,184 --> 00:04:25,810
(audience laughing)
116
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,559
-Is that her?
-Yeah.
117
00:04:29,643 --> 00:04:32,601
-She's not mousy!
-Shh, don't say that.
118
00:04:32,685 --> 00:04:35,226
-Hi, Ali! Hi!
-Oh my God.
Hey, hi!
119
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,768
-So nice to finally meet you.
-So nice to meet you!
120
00:04:37,851 --> 00:04:39,267
-It's Kat?
-Yes!
121
00:04:39,351 --> 00:04:41,643
-Yes, hi. I was worried
I was hugging a stranger.
-Hi!
122
00:04:41,726 --> 00:04:44,351
-No, this is Kat. Hi, hi.
-Hi, hi. You are Pete.
123
00:04:44,434 --> 00:04:46,267
-Still Pete, yes.
-Yes. Pete in a hat.
124
00:04:46,351 --> 00:04:47,893
-How did it go?
-It was good.
125
00:04:47,976 --> 00:04:50,101
-Good? Great?
-Yeah, it was-- Yeah,
I think it was great.
126
00:04:50,184 --> 00:04:53,601
I mean, I don't know.
it was either good or bad,
we'll see when it airs.
127
00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:55,601
No, you're
a stand-up comedian!
128
00:04:55,685 --> 00:04:58,142
-Like, that is so crazy!
That is so cool!
-Yeah.
129
00:04:58,226 --> 00:04:59,935
-Congrats!
-It is crazy.
130
00:05:00,017 --> 00:05:02,309
You had a dream
and it came true.
131
00:05:02,393 --> 00:05:05,643
-Oh, well, yeah.
Guess that's--
-How amazing is that?
132
00:05:05,726 --> 00:05:07,643
-That's crazy.
-Kitty: Yeah.
133
00:05:07,726 --> 00:05:10,351
-Um, you guys are tall!
-(laughing)
134
00:05:10,434 --> 00:05:13,059
-I'm like craning
my neck to look at you.
-Yeah.
135
00:05:13,142 --> 00:05:15,518
You're both very
tall and blonde,
136
00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:18,810
-and the half-Jewish
part of me is scared.
-(laughing)
137
00:05:18,893 --> 00:05:21,643
-Don't hurt me.
(laughing)
-Kat: Ah!
138
00:05:21,726 --> 00:05:25,059
-We're very open-minded.
-(laughing): Yeah.
139
00:05:25,142 --> 00:05:28,893
Yeah, well, we don't
want to bother you.
140
00:05:28,976 --> 00:05:30,851
What? Oh, hi, hi.
141
00:05:30,935 --> 00:05:34,226
-Ted: I got you a drink.
-Ali: Oh, thank you. Thanks!
142
00:05:34,309 --> 00:05:36,101
-Pete.
-Pete: Ted.
143
00:05:36,184 --> 00:05:38,393
-It's Ted.
-Wait, you're so tall.
144
00:05:38,476 --> 00:05:40,184
You were giving us
shit about being tall,
145
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:41,851
-but he's so tall.
-Ali: He is.
146
00:05:41,935 --> 00:05:43,851
-What the fuck?
-She's, uh, three talls.
147
00:05:43,935 --> 00:05:46,184
Oh, my God.
I'm surrounded.
148
00:05:46,267 --> 00:05:47,601
That's so cute.
149
00:05:47,685 --> 00:05:50,101
I want to say hi to Estee
in case she leaves.
150
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,059
-Okay, cool.
-So I'll be right back.
151
00:05:52,142 --> 00:05:53,768
-Cool.
-I'm just gonna get
this out of the way.
152
00:05:53,851 --> 00:05:55,601
-Yeah, yeah.
-We'll just hang out.
153
00:05:55,685 --> 00:05:57,810
-Okay, fine.
-Compare notes.
154
00:05:57,893 --> 00:06:00,101
Ninety percent of people
that kill really hard,
155
00:06:00,184 --> 00:06:01,726
there's something
hacky going on.
156
00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:05,518
-Joyelle: Interesting.
-(indistinct chattering)
157
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:07,976
Wil:
If you're killing for an hour,
you're hacking?
158
00:06:08,059 --> 00:06:09,309
-If you're getting...
-No.
159
00:06:09,393 --> 00:06:11,768
...every moron
in the crowd cackling,
160
00:06:11,851 --> 00:06:13,309
falling over their set
for an hour,
161
00:06:13,393 --> 00:06:15,518
I guarantee there's a lot
of hack stuff going on in there.
162
00:06:15,601 --> 00:06:18,226
-I disagree.
-Estee, damn it!
163
00:06:18,309 --> 00:06:20,601
-(laughing)
-Joyelle: Hey!
164
00:06:20,685 --> 00:06:23,393
Then all you
need just to play
the devil's advocate.
165
00:06:23,476 --> 00:06:25,476
Sorry. Hi, Estee.
I'm Pete.
166
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:29,851
-Hi. I know who you are.
-Oh. Um...
167
00:06:29,935 --> 00:06:32,393
I just wanted to say hi
to everybody. Wayne.
168
00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,559
-Good to see you, brother.
-Good to see you.
169
00:06:34,643 --> 00:06:35,893
Dildo dude
with the dumb hat.
170
00:06:35,976 --> 00:06:37,768
-Dildo dude
with the dumb hat.
-Joyelle: Yes!
171
00:06:37,851 --> 00:06:40,726
-That's my website dot net.
Dot com was taken.
-Take that off.
172
00:06:40,810 --> 00:06:42,267
Wayne:
This is Colin Quinn,
by the way.
173
00:06:42,351 --> 00:06:44,601
-Hey! Really nice
to meet you.
-Hey.
174
00:06:44,685 --> 00:06:46,851
Um, some of us,
I don't know if you noticed,
175
00:06:46,935 --> 00:06:50,518
we're getting together
to have a screening party
for my friend Ali.
176
00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:52,017
She's doing
Seth Meyers tonight.
177
00:06:52,101 --> 00:06:54,476
-Do you know Ali?
She's wonderful.
-No.
178
00:06:54,559 --> 00:06:57,059
She's beautiful, she's funny,
she's charismatic.
179
00:06:57,142 --> 00:06:59,768
-She's going places.
-She's great, she's great.
180
00:06:59,851 --> 00:07:01,518
Well, I'll be
at the bar.
181
00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:04,768
That guy's got
little dick energy.
182
00:07:04,851 --> 00:07:06,518
-(audience laughing)
-I know the struggle.
183
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:08,851
Because when my dad
first came to America,
184
00:07:08,935 --> 00:07:11,184
he used to think the solution
from getting deported,
185
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:13,393
just pretend
you're not Haitian.
186
00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:16,101
That was his solution
if immigration ever
come up to you.
187
00:07:16,184 --> 00:07:17,810
"You Haitian?"
(Haitian accent):
"No, you crazy.
188
00:07:17,893 --> 00:07:20,601
-I'm not Haitian."
-(audience chuckling)
189
00:07:20,685 --> 00:07:22,309
"Uh-oh.
190
00:07:22,393 --> 00:07:26,601
"I've been in America
five years all my life.
191
00:07:26,685 --> 00:07:30,351
Why you-- Why you say that?
Who-- Who tell you that?"
192
00:07:35,309 --> 00:07:37,935
I'm really proud of you
for tonight.
193
00:07:38,017 --> 00:07:39,434
Thanks, Dad.
194
00:07:39,518 --> 00:07:41,101
(laughs)
I mean it.
195
00:07:41,184 --> 00:07:44,685
Nobody works as hard as you.
It's nice to see it pay off.
196
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,976
It's inspiring.
I'm happy to see that,
197
00:07:47,059 --> 00:07:48,851
you know,
the good guys win.
198
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,976
Can you do me a favor?
199
00:07:51,059 --> 00:07:54,476
If the set sucks,
will you just tell me, please?
200
00:07:54,559 --> 00:07:57,309
Because, well, Ted's just
gonna tell me it's great
201
00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:58,893
no matter what
because he loves me.
202
00:07:58,976 --> 00:08:01,184
Yeah, it's not gonna suck.
It's gonna be--
203
00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:04,810
I mean it. I could go
up on stage and vomit
and do a curtsey,
204
00:08:04,893 --> 00:08:06,935
and Ted would be like,
"Awesome closer, babe!"
205
00:08:07,017 --> 00:08:09,476
Except, he doesn't
call it the closer.
206
00:08:09,559 --> 00:08:10,976
He calls it the finale.
207
00:08:11,059 --> 00:08:13,685
-Like a fireworks display?
-Yeah.
208
00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:16,142
I'm gonna start
using that.
209
00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:19,643
(chattering, laughing)
210
00:08:19,726 --> 00:08:23,476
Can you--
Will you excuse me
for just one second?
211
00:08:23,559 --> 00:08:27,601
-Oh. Yeah.
-Sort of worlds colliding.
212
00:08:28,726 --> 00:08:29,768
Okay.
213
00:08:29,851 --> 00:08:31,518
I went shopping
for a dress,
214
00:08:31,601 --> 00:08:34,351
and so he like came
into the dressing room
with me.
215
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:37,059
-Whoa, it's like
two naked Big Birds.
-(laughing)
216
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:39,810
-That's exactly
what it looks like!
-Mike: What?
217
00:08:39,893 --> 00:08:42,893
-Hi.
-(hollering, laughing)
218
00:08:42,976 --> 00:08:45,267
-Hello!
-What's going on?
219
00:08:45,351 --> 00:08:47,017
I'm just telling them
about how we met.
220
00:08:47,101 --> 00:08:49,184
-Not all the details?
-Mike: Not yet!
221
00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:51,559
Russell:
Not all of them, but some
important ones were told.
222
00:08:51,643 --> 00:08:52,768
-Yes.
-Pete: Uh-huh.
223
00:08:52,851 --> 00:08:54,059
Russell:
And it was
just getting good.
224
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:57,017
In fact, um,
was it good for you?
225
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:58,976
-Ah!
-(laughing)
226
00:08:59,059 --> 00:09:01,184
I just want to know.
227
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:03,559
Um, tonight, not about that.
228
00:09:03,643 --> 00:09:05,393
(chuckles)
It's about Ali, so...
229
00:09:05,476 --> 00:09:07,518
Pete, don't be embarrassed.
You're sexy.
230
00:09:07,601 --> 00:09:10,226
-Russell: You...
You are sexy, Pete.
-You are sexy.
231
00:09:10,309 --> 00:09:12,434
Russell:
Like, own it, man.
Own that sexiness.
232
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:15,059
-Yeah, you got that swerve.
-Russell: Yeah, man.
233
00:09:15,142 --> 00:09:16,601
This is great.
234
00:09:16,685 --> 00:09:18,518
-(all laughing)
-Not that good, Pete.
235
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,267
Pete:
Seriously though?
Seriously,
236
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:22,393
I was gonna get a drink,
and it looks like
237
00:09:22,476 --> 00:09:25,267
maybe you'd like
a sparkling water?
238
00:09:25,351 --> 00:09:27,559
-Do you want a--
-No, can you get me
another one?
239
00:09:27,643 --> 00:09:29,101
Why don't you
come with me?
240
00:09:29,184 --> 00:09:31,935
-No!
-She's staying.
241
00:09:32,017 --> 00:09:34,351
-But I want
to hang out with them.
-I wanna have fun with you.
242
00:09:34,434 --> 00:09:36,267
Let's-- Come on,
we'll get a drink together.
243
00:09:36,351 --> 00:09:38,559
Petey, just let me--
I'm gonna stay here, okay?
244
00:09:38,643 --> 00:09:40,434
-She's staying.
-Yeah, you always get her.
245
00:09:40,518 --> 00:09:42,601
-I'm...
-Take your time, man.
Let her stay here.
246
00:09:42,685 --> 00:09:44,309
Others:
Oh, yeah!
247
00:09:44,393 --> 00:09:47,101
-Thank you. I love you.
-Thanks for drinks.
248
00:09:47,184 --> 00:09:49,309
I had sex
at a job fair.
249
00:09:49,393 --> 00:09:51,059
All:
Whoa!
250
00:09:51,142 --> 00:09:53,559
-At which table?
-In the bathroom.
251
00:09:53,643 --> 00:09:56,559
In the bathroom?
What, like a union man?
252
00:09:56,643 --> 00:09:58,267
Not a union man.
253
00:09:58,351 --> 00:10:01,059
He was handing out
pamphlets for the Walmart.
254
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,768
(laughing)
255
00:10:02,851 --> 00:10:05,685
-Hi, can I get
a shot please?
-Peter!
256
00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:07,810
-Hi.
-What?
257
00:10:07,893 --> 00:10:09,810
What are you
doing here?
258
00:10:09,893 --> 00:10:11,101
Ali invited us.
259
00:10:11,184 --> 00:10:13,351
Her and Jess are like
super pals since the roast.
260
00:10:13,434 --> 00:10:15,893
-Jess is here?
-Yeah.
261
00:10:15,976 --> 00:10:18,059
God, that's
fucking weird, man.
262
00:10:18,142 --> 00:10:19,768
What is weird?
263
00:10:19,851 --> 00:10:21,935
My ex-girlfriend,
my current girlfriend,
264
00:10:22,017 --> 00:10:24,101
and now my ex-wife
are all in the same place,
265
00:10:24,184 --> 00:10:25,976
that's weird.
266
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,142
Cut the negativity, man.
That's awesome!
267
00:10:29,226 --> 00:10:32,976
You're talking about three women
that you've shared love with.
268
00:10:33,059 --> 00:10:36,142
That's a beautiful thing.
How are you whining about that?
269
00:10:36,226 --> 00:10:39,685
Don't make this about you.
It's about Ali.
270
00:10:39,768 --> 00:10:42,810
And one day, you'll
be up there performing
on Star Search,
271
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:46,101
and you'll get three
and three-quarter stars,
and you'll win,
272
00:10:46,184 --> 00:10:48,351
and Sinbad will be
the one frowning that day.
273
00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:53,267
And we'll all be
here on your side,
laughing for you.
274
00:10:53,351 --> 00:10:56,226
You got rid of your TV
a long time ago, huh?
275
00:10:56,309 --> 00:10:59,976
No, I just moved to a place
without any electricity.
276
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:02,643
(patrons clap, cheer)
277
00:11:02,726 --> 00:11:04,184
What's all this, Wil?
278
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,309
Oh, Ali Reissen
doing Seth Meyers.
279
00:11:06,393 --> 00:11:07,309
Ali who?
280
00:11:07,393 --> 00:11:09,226
Ali-- Ali Reissen.
281
00:11:09,309 --> 00:11:10,851
I've never seen her
my entire life.
282
00:11:10,935 --> 00:11:12,976
She's doing
Seth fucking Meyers,
283
00:11:13,059 --> 00:11:14,810
and it's like-- it's like
an open mic now?
284
00:11:14,893 --> 00:11:16,726
-What's the matter?
She's funny.
-I mean, they just
285
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,351
-take anybody now.
-It's not my fault you--
286
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:21,184
No, I didn't know.
I thought it was
gonna keep coming.
287
00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:23,935
And now with all
this diversity--
you're diverse,
288
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,768
you can barely talk,
you know what I mean?
289
00:11:25,851 --> 00:11:28,226
You still got a fucking
accent and you've been
here like 50 years.
290
00:11:28,309 --> 00:11:30,851
I mean, come on.
I mean, seriously.
Are you playing it?
291
00:11:30,935 --> 00:11:34,142
Can you talk normal
and you're just doing it
to get a special?
292
00:11:34,226 --> 00:11:36,810
It's not my fault
you're using whiteness
in the wrong way.
293
00:11:36,893 --> 00:11:38,518
-That's not my fault.
-I know, I know, I know.
294
00:11:38,601 --> 00:11:40,101
I should've been
an agent or something.
295
00:11:40,184 --> 00:11:41,851
All this whiteness
and it got you nowhere.
296
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:44,309
Look at this guy.
This guy will get a
fucking special before me.
297
00:11:44,393 --> 00:11:46,351
-Because he's black?
-No, 'cause he's diverse.
298
00:11:46,434 --> 00:11:48,351
Hey, you guys,
it's about to start!
299
00:11:48,434 --> 00:11:50,142
Um, hi?
Hi, excuse me.
300
00:11:50,226 --> 00:11:53,267
Do you mind just
putting on NBC, please?
Seth Meyers is about to begin.
301
00:11:53,351 --> 00:11:55,017
Thanks.
302
00:11:55,101 --> 00:11:57,976
Announcer:
From 30 Rockefeller
Plaza in New York...
303
00:11:58,059 --> 00:12:00,893
You recorded this
this afternoon?
You taped this afternoon?
304
00:12:00,976 --> 00:12:02,393
-Today, yeah.
-And now it's airing.
305
00:12:02,476 --> 00:12:05,142
This is the best time
when you don't even know
how it is.
306
00:12:05,226 --> 00:12:07,226
-No idea.
-So exciting.
How do you feel?
307
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:08,726
Kind of freaking out.
308
00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:10,935
Colin:
Sure, 'cause everything you do
lives forever.
309
00:12:11,017 --> 00:12:13,101
-That's the scary part
about doing TV.
-Wayne: Oh, God.
310
00:12:13,184 --> 00:12:15,768
-I did Crocodile Dundee 2 ,
you ever heard of it?
-Mm-mm.
311
00:12:15,851 --> 00:12:18,059
Well, anyway,
it was better than one,
a lot of people said.
312
00:12:18,142 --> 00:12:20,434
But it's, you know,
people troll you online.
313
00:12:20,518 --> 00:12:22,351
"Hey fatso. Hey stupid."
314
00:12:22,434 --> 00:12:23,851
-You know, forever.
-Oh, God.
315
00:12:23,935 --> 00:12:26,142
So he's in that.
I'm in Legally Blonde .
316
00:12:26,226 --> 00:12:28,559
Little kids come up to me
and they're like, "I know you!
317
00:12:28,643 --> 00:12:31,059
You got Elle Woods
into Harvard."
318
00:12:31,142 --> 00:12:32,893
It's fantastic.
But other times, like,
319
00:12:32,976 --> 00:12:35,017
you Google my name,
guess what comes up?
320
00:12:35,101 --> 00:12:37,601
Not Legally Blonde .
My evening at the Improv.
321
00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:39,059
-Huh.
-Didn't go well.
322
00:12:39,142 --> 00:12:41,935
I wore a pirate's jacket
on a half-hour comedy special.
323
00:12:42,017 --> 00:12:43,726
-Yeah.
-It wasn't
my best look, a mullet.
324
00:12:43,810 --> 00:12:45,810
People, to this day, act like
I was Harvey Weinstein.
325
00:12:45,893 --> 00:12:47,893
-Oh, God.
-It was a bad
fashion choice.
326
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,643
-Yeah. Forever.
-Right, right. Yeah.
327
00:12:49,726 --> 00:12:51,434
Yeah, here's the crazy thing.
In the future,
328
00:12:51,518 --> 00:12:53,309
you're gonna realize
this is probably a terrible set,
329
00:12:53,393 --> 00:12:55,059
because you get better
as a comedian.
330
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:57,101
And you're like,
"Oh, now I know
how to do those jokes.
331
00:12:57,184 --> 00:12:59,726
Now I know
how not to look panicked
on television.
332
00:12:59,810 --> 00:13:02,768
-(nervous laughter)
-Yeah, our point is,
congratulations.
333
00:13:02,851 --> 00:13:04,309
-You're in
the club now.
-Cool!
334
00:13:04,393 --> 00:13:06,142
You know how many people
want to do comedy?
335
00:13:06,226 --> 00:13:08,518
Colin:
And they don't ever
get on television?
336
00:13:08,601 --> 00:13:10,559
I'm just gonna...
I'll be right back.
337
00:13:10,643 --> 00:13:12,351
Okay.
It's exciting.
338
00:13:12,434 --> 00:13:15,059
-Yeah.
-Yeah. I would never
have a party, though.
339
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:17,142
-No. No!
-God, could you imagine?
340
00:13:17,226 --> 00:13:21,601
(patrons chattering)
341
00:13:37,643 --> 00:13:39,810
What's up?
Are you freaking out?
342
00:13:39,893 --> 00:13:42,810
Yeah? What's-- Why?
343
00:13:42,893 --> 00:13:45,101
I feel like
I'm not gonna be great.
344
00:13:45,184 --> 00:13:46,810
-You're gonna be great.
-No, no, no. I mean,
345
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:50,226
I'm afraid
that I am just good.
346
00:13:50,309 --> 00:13:53,101
And there are a lot
of people who are good,
347
00:13:53,184 --> 00:13:54,976
and I'm just gonna be
another good.
348
00:13:55,059 --> 00:13:56,309
Okay.
349
00:13:58,142 --> 00:13:59,893
-Do this.
-What?
350
00:13:59,976 --> 00:14:03,184
Do this with your body.
(inhales, exhaling)
351
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:05,643
-Is this a Jesus thing?
-It's not a Jesus thing.
352
00:14:05,726 --> 00:14:07,142
It's a power stance.
353
00:14:07,226 --> 00:14:09,267
If you're feeling
small and nervous,
354
00:14:09,351 --> 00:14:11,226
this tricks your body
into feeling good.
355
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,810
It works.
I do it before shows.
356
00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:15,893
(Pete inhaling, exhaling)
357
00:14:15,976 --> 00:14:17,184
Can you feel it?
358
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:18,851
-I can feel it.
-Don't fucking
lie to me.
359
00:14:18,935 --> 00:14:20,309
-Can you feel it?
-I can feel it!
360
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,017
-Woo!
-Woo!
361
00:14:22,101 --> 00:14:25,851
I get it.
I feel invincible.
362
00:14:25,935 --> 00:14:27,768
Can I get
another one?
363
00:14:29,851 --> 00:14:32,184
-You here
to see Ali?
-What?
364
00:14:32,267 --> 00:14:34,518
-For the viewing?
You here for that?
-Oh, yeah.
365
00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:36,976
That's cool.
Me, too.
366
00:14:40,101 --> 00:14:41,351
Wait, who are you?
367
00:14:41,434 --> 00:14:43,643
That's so funny,
'cause I was just
about to tell you
368
00:14:43,726 --> 00:14:45,226
-who I am.
-(Kat laughing)
369
00:14:45,309 --> 00:14:46,810
I'm Leif.
370
00:14:46,893 --> 00:14:48,851
Oh, you're Leif?
371
00:14:48,935 --> 00:14:50,101
Yeah.
372
00:14:50,184 --> 00:14:52,726
I'm Kat.
I'm Pete's girlfriend.
373
00:14:52,810 --> 00:14:54,017
Oh, right.
374
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,601
Yeah, I know
all about you.
375
00:14:55,685 --> 00:14:58,059
You slept with Pete's wife
and you ruined his marriage.
376
00:14:58,142 --> 00:14:59,976
Okay, yeah.
Marriages die, Kat.
377
00:15:00,059 --> 00:15:02,935
But out of the ashes rose
the beautiful phoenix
378
00:15:03,017 --> 00:15:05,434
of a lovely friendship.
379
00:15:05,518 --> 00:15:08,226
Does anybody buy
your bullshit?
380
00:15:08,309 --> 00:15:10,059
I can't be
the judge of that.
381
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,935
-Jess! Hi!
-Hey!
382
00:15:12,017 --> 00:15:13,559
This is Kat.
383
00:15:13,643 --> 00:15:16,059
Oh, it's so nice
to meet you.
384
00:15:16,142 --> 00:15:17,851
Oh, is it?
385
00:15:20,518 --> 00:15:22,434
I thought it was.
386
00:15:22,518 --> 00:15:26,267
She scared me so bad.
387
00:15:26,351 --> 00:15:29,559
-Oh. Oh.
-My bones are ice.
388
00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:32,559
-(audience laughing)
-Kids are rough,
'cause they--
389
00:15:32,643 --> 00:15:34,643
It's a lot of responsibility.
They don't have any money.
390
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,851
I had to buy a bed.
You know where I went
to buy a bed?
391
00:15:36,935 --> 00:15:40,768
Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
They don't sell beds
at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
392
00:15:40,851 --> 00:15:43,309
I was looking for a bed
for half an hour at
Bed, Bath, and Beyond,
393
00:15:43,393 --> 00:15:45,643
-just walking around
like a fucking idiot.
-(laughing)
394
00:15:45,726 --> 00:15:47,935
Finally I just asked the guy,
I go, "Where are the beds?"
395
00:15:48,017 --> 00:15:50,434
He goes, "We don't sell beds."
I'm like, "It's Bed, Bath,
and Beyond."
396
00:15:50,518 --> 00:15:52,601
He goes, "Yeah, we fucked up,
you know," so...
397
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,059
(audience laughing)
398
00:15:54,142 --> 00:15:55,601
I'm like,
"Is there even a Beyond?"
399
00:15:55,685 --> 00:15:58,351
He goes, "No, but we got
a lot of chip clips."
400
00:15:59,518 --> 00:16:01,976
Next up, we have
Saoirse Ronan, and later,
401
00:16:02,059 --> 00:16:05,142
making her late-night
television debut,
comedian Ali Reissen!
402
00:16:05,226 --> 00:16:09,267
-(cheering, applauding)
-Stick around, everybody.
We'll be right back.
403
00:16:13,309 --> 00:16:15,643
Oh my God,
it's Emo Philips.
404
00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:17,101
Oh my God.
405
00:16:17,184 --> 00:16:19,559
-Nice to see you.
-Oh, good to see you.
406
00:16:19,643 --> 00:16:21,976
Does he even play here?
407
00:16:22,059 --> 00:16:23,643
I didn't even think
he lived in New York.
408
00:16:23,726 --> 00:16:26,726
He looks like he lives
in a tree. Who is that?
409
00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:29,434
Oh, he's the godfather
of alt comedy.
410
00:16:29,518 --> 00:16:33,101
-What are you doing in town?
-I just saw a Broadway show.
411
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:36,726
-What'd you see?
-Well, they didn't
have a name,
412
00:16:36,810 --> 00:16:39,351
but I gave
them a dollar.
413
00:16:39,434 --> 00:16:40,810
Oh.
414
00:16:40,893 --> 00:16:44,142
His aura is both
childlike and wise
at the same time.
415
00:16:44,226 --> 00:16:46,851
He looks like he rode
here on an umbrella.
416
00:16:46,935 --> 00:16:50,685
-Hi, Emo. Oh, my goodness.
So nice to see you.
-(Emo gasping)
417
00:16:50,768 --> 00:16:52,309
You look so good.
418
00:16:52,393 --> 00:16:54,476
Oh, right back at ya,
hot mama.
419
00:16:54,559 --> 00:16:57,559
Oh, this is... It's cool
that he's here. It's cool.
420
00:16:57,643 --> 00:17:01,184
-Right? Come on.
-Oh, no. It's fine.
No, no, no.
421
00:17:01,267 --> 00:17:03,893
Tonight is all about you.
This is your night.
422
00:17:03,976 --> 00:17:05,476
Thank you.
It's totally fine.
423
00:17:05,559 --> 00:17:06,851
Do you think
he's gonna go up?
424
00:17:06,935 --> 00:17:08,434
Fuck, I hope so.
He's one of my
favorite comics.
425
00:17:08,518 --> 00:17:10,017
-Really?
-Yeah!
426
00:17:10,101 --> 00:17:12,559
I thought you were more
like a Mike Epps guy.
427
00:17:12,643 --> 00:17:14,101
You know, I can like
some real shit, man.
428
00:17:14,184 --> 00:17:16,017
-I'm not saying--
-What the fuck
is wrong with you?
429
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:18,559
-Let's go see if
he's doing something.
-Actually, I would love that.
430
00:17:18,643 --> 00:17:20,101
-Come on, let's go.
-Come on, let's check it out.
431
00:17:20,184 --> 00:17:23,101
-Emo: Oh, hello.
-Ali: All right.
432
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:27,059
Do you mind if I just go down
and watch for one minute?
433
00:17:27,142 --> 00:17:28,476
Wait. You're leaving?
434
00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:30,309
Oh, come on.
I just wanna watch,
like, eight jokes.
435
00:17:30,393 --> 00:17:31,893
And I'll be right back up.
Do you mind?
436
00:17:31,976 --> 00:17:33,267
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go, go, go.
437
00:17:33,351 --> 00:17:35,976
-I want you to go. Okay.
-I'll be right back.
438
00:17:36,059 --> 00:17:39,101
Actually, everybody who wants
to go should just go, um...
439
00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:42,226
Ali, we're all here for you,
this is all about you.
440
00:17:42,309 --> 00:17:44,017
Yeah, we don't care
about Emu Philips.
441
00:17:44,101 --> 00:17:47,810
-Emo, see? Zero fucks.
We don't care.
-Okay, Emo. I don't--
442
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:51,101
Okay, well, I'm--
I'm just gonna see
443
00:17:51,184 --> 00:17:52,976
if he still does
the voice bit.
444
00:17:53,059 --> 00:17:55,393
It's iconic, so...
445
00:17:55,476 --> 00:17:58,226
Um, I'm not here
to see Emo Philips.
446
00:17:58,309 --> 00:18:01,142
I'm here to turn you
into Emo Philips.
447
00:18:02,768 --> 00:18:05,434
Thank you, Kevin.
I appreciate that.
448
00:18:06,434 --> 00:18:10,976
-(audience laughing)
-It's so great to be back
in New York City.
449
00:18:11,059 --> 00:18:13,267
(audience chuckling)
450
00:18:13,351 --> 00:18:17,935
I used to live here.
Sometimes, I miss it so much
451
00:18:18,017 --> 00:18:22,351
I'll fill my humidifier
with urine.
452
00:18:25,059 --> 00:18:27,309
Women like courtesy
on a date.
453
00:18:27,393 --> 00:18:28,810
That's so important.
454
00:18:28,893 --> 00:18:31,476
I got in trouble
once on a date.
455
00:18:31,559 --> 00:18:35,643
I didn't open the car
door for her. Ooh!
456
00:18:35,726 --> 00:18:37,434
(laughter)
457
00:18:37,518 --> 00:18:40,810
Instead, I just swam
for the surface.
458
00:18:40,893 --> 00:18:42,851
(laughing)
459
00:18:44,559 --> 00:18:45,935
Hey, guys.
460
00:18:46,017 --> 00:18:49,393
-Aren't you about to be on TV?
-Eh, I got tired of waiting.
461
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,601
(TV playing indistinctly)
462
00:18:52,893 --> 00:18:54,935
♪ ♪
463
00:18:58,059 --> 00:18:59,976
She can't miss this!
464
00:19:00,059 --> 00:19:00,976
(laughter)
465
00:19:01,059 --> 00:19:04,267
I am excited about
baseball season.
466
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:07,810
I love baseball.
Once, when I was a little boy,
467
00:19:07,893 --> 00:19:12,476
I beat up the school bully
with a baseball bat.
468
00:19:12,559 --> 00:19:15,935
Both his arms were
completely broken,
469
00:19:16,017 --> 00:19:18,142
which is what gave me
the courage.
470
00:19:18,226 --> 00:19:20,017
(laughing)
471
00:19:21,726 --> 00:19:24,059
(cheering)
472
00:19:24,768 --> 00:19:26,643
Announcer:
One more time...
473
00:19:26,726 --> 00:19:28,643
-Emo Philips!
-(audience cheering)
474
00:19:28,726 --> 00:19:31,226
That was a great set.
475
00:19:31,309 --> 00:19:33,393
-Oh, thank you.
-You're great.
476
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,559
-Yeah, that was amazing.
-Oh, thank you.
477
00:19:35,643 --> 00:19:37,518
I was watching it,
being like,
478
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:39,559
"I don't know
if I'll ever be that good."
479
00:19:39,643 --> 00:19:42,726
-Oh, are you a comedian? Oh!
-Yes. Yeah.
480
00:19:42,810 --> 00:19:45,393
-I'm... I'm doing
stand-up tonight.
-Uh-huh.
481
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,976
I'm making my late-night
debut on Seth Meyers.
482
00:19:48,059 --> 00:19:50,226
Oh, my first shot
483
00:19:50,309 --> 00:19:53,726
was Late Night
with David Letterman,
back in '84.
484
00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,518
Oh, yeah!
I've seen that set.
485
00:19:55,601 --> 00:19:57,184
-Oh, thank you.
-YouTube, yeah.
486
00:19:57,267 --> 00:20:00,434
I had a four-and-a-half
minute set, and I'm
not exaggerating,
487
00:20:00,518 --> 00:20:04,851
I must have rehearsed it
in front of the mirror
488
00:20:04,935 --> 00:20:07,559
200 times afterwards.
489
00:20:07,643 --> 00:20:09,017
(laughing)
490
00:20:09,101 --> 00:20:11,226
-That's the secret,
preparation.
-(laughing): Yeah.
491
00:20:11,309 --> 00:20:16,226
Just remember--
Chaplin can be Keaton,
492
00:20:16,309 --> 00:20:19,810
but the Marx Brothers
cannot be the Stooges.
493
00:20:20,685 --> 00:20:23,726
-Hmm.
-Pete: Ali, you're on!
494
00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:27,184
Okay. Thank you,
Emo Philips. Okay.
495
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:28,643
I'm coming!
496
00:20:28,726 --> 00:20:30,142
Thank you, Emo Philips!
497
00:20:30,226 --> 00:20:32,142
I'm coming! I'm coming!
498
00:20:32,976 --> 00:20:35,893
Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight.
499
00:20:35,976 --> 00:20:39,434
Tonight's guest is
a very funny comedian
making her late-night debut.
500
00:20:39,518 --> 00:20:42,226
Please welcome to the show
Ali Reissen, everyone!
501
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,434
(cheering)
502
00:20:46,976 --> 00:20:49,017
♪ ♪
503
00:20:49,101 --> 00:20:51,518
-Ali: Hello! It's
so good to be here!
-Whoo! Shh!
504
00:20:51,601 --> 00:20:53,601
Thank you for having me!
505
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:55,601
Um, I've been eating Paleo.
506
00:20:55,685 --> 00:20:57,267
Um, if you guys don't
know what that is,
507
00:20:57,351 --> 00:21:00,685
that's where you eat
the same thing
dinosaurs eat, so...
508
00:21:00,768 --> 00:21:04,142
backstage I was snacking
on Chris Pratt, and, um...
509
00:21:04,226 --> 00:21:07,101
he's very high in protein.
510
00:21:07,184 --> 00:21:10,226
I've been eating a lot.
I've been eating a lot lately.
511
00:21:10,309 --> 00:21:12,226
Like, the other day,
I ate so much,
512
00:21:12,309 --> 00:21:15,601
my friend was like,
"Ali, you have a food baby."
513
00:21:15,685 --> 00:21:19,476
I was like, "No, Denise.
I have a gut, you know?"
514
00:21:19,559 --> 00:21:21,601
-She's funny.
-Yeah.
515
00:21:21,685 --> 00:21:23,726
The only time it would be
cool to have a food baby
516
00:21:23,810 --> 00:21:25,267
is if you got treated
the same way
517
00:21:25,351 --> 00:21:28,267
as someone pregnant
with a regular baby, right?
518
00:21:28,351 --> 00:21:30,601
Like, somebody gives up
their seat to you
on the subway.
519
00:21:30,685 --> 00:21:32,267
They're like, "Oh my God.
What are you having?"
520
00:21:32,351 --> 00:21:34,184
You're like,
"Had--carnitas with guac.
521
00:21:34,267 --> 00:21:36,309
Yeah, it's
really emotional."
522
00:21:36,393 --> 00:21:38,309
-I like her dress.
-Shh!
523
00:21:38,393 --> 00:21:39,935
They're like,
"Oh, you're glowing!"
524
00:21:40,017 --> 00:21:42,810
Do not fucking
shush me.
525
00:21:42,893 --> 00:21:45,726
Pete:
It's almost over.
Let's talk after.
526
00:21:45,810 --> 00:21:48,976
I was gonna say
that I like her dress.
527
00:21:49,059 --> 00:21:51,559
-Yeah, okay. Just, shh, please.
-Jesus fucking Christ, Pete.
528
00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,851
I'm sorry. Let's
just talk in a minute.
529
00:21:56,101 --> 00:21:58,267
Things are good.
Things are good in my life.
530
00:21:58,351 --> 00:21:59,976
My boyfriend and I,
we just took
531
00:22:00,059 --> 00:22:01,810
our relationship
to the next level.
532
00:22:01,893 --> 00:22:04,976
-We broke up, and--
-(laughing)
533
00:22:05,059 --> 00:22:06,976
She's so full
of herself.
534
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:08,142
-Kitty.
-What?
535
00:22:08,226 --> 00:22:10,393
-She's right there.
-She can't hear me.
536
00:22:10,476 --> 00:22:11,893
But it was still hot.
Like, in bed,
537
00:22:11,976 --> 00:22:13,434
he'd be like,
"Who's your daddy?"
538
00:22:13,518 --> 00:22:14,976
And I'd be like,
"Where's your erection?"
539
00:22:15,059 --> 00:22:17,893
-(laughing)
- And it was just this
total throw down.
540
00:22:17,976 --> 00:22:20,184
He was like,
"Are you close?"
I'm like, "Are you in?"
541
00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:22,935
-(laughing)
-(TV continues indistinctly)
542
00:22:24,017 --> 00:22:26,935
Is that joke about you?
That's fucked up.
543
00:22:27,017 --> 00:22:29,184
Oh... no.
I don't think so.
544
00:22:29,267 --> 00:22:31,726
She's got other boyfriends,
ex-boyfriends.
545
00:22:31,810 --> 00:22:36,393
Every time we hooked up,
his penis seemed
surprised to be used.
546
00:22:36,476 --> 00:22:39,726
Like, it had a real
benchwarmer quality,
you know?
547
00:22:39,810 --> 00:22:41,851
Like the underdog
in every football movie
548
00:22:41,935 --> 00:22:44,559
who finally gets called
in to play the big game.
549
00:22:44,643 --> 00:22:47,101
He's like, "Who me, Coach?"
550
00:22:47,184 --> 00:22:49,017
He's like, "Yeah, you.
We're down 40 points.
551
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,017
Now get in here
and make me proud!"
552
00:22:51,101 --> 00:22:52,685
(laughing)
553
00:22:52,768 --> 00:22:55,351
That's it for me.
I'm Ali Reissen.
Thank you so much!
554
00:22:55,434 --> 00:22:57,476
(cheering)
555
00:23:00,267 --> 00:23:02,685
Seth (on TV):
Ali Reissen, everybody!
We'll be right back!
556
00:23:02,768 --> 00:23:05,768
Oh my God,
it was so good!
557
00:23:08,142 --> 00:23:10,309
-It was incredible.
-Really?
558
00:23:10,393 --> 00:23:12,059
Oh my God,
the finale--
559
00:23:12,142 --> 00:23:15,434
I mean, the whole sketch
was-- it killed.
560
00:23:16,643 --> 00:23:18,393
-Excuse me,
Steve Winwood.
-Oh!
561
00:23:18,476 --> 00:23:20,059
Whoa!
That was amazing!
562
00:23:20,142 --> 00:23:22,059
-Oh, my God.
-So, so funny.
So funny.
563
00:23:22,142 --> 00:23:23,559
-Really?
-So great. Great!
564
00:23:23,643 --> 00:23:25,768
Ah, that means so much.
Thank you.
565
00:23:25,851 --> 00:23:27,393
-We're talking--
We're blown away.
-We loved it.
566
00:23:27,476 --> 00:23:29,184
I would say the same thing,
but it's better coming from him.
567
00:23:29,267 --> 00:23:31,142
He's a bigger star.
It's better credits.
568
00:23:31,226 --> 00:23:33,017
Why does it have
to be about that?
Just a compliment--
569
00:23:33,101 --> 00:23:35,434
-Can't we just
compliment her?
-I'm done and she liked it.
570
00:23:35,518 --> 00:23:37,434
-Thank you.
-Ali...
571
00:23:37,518 --> 00:23:38,726
-You!
-(both laugh)
572
00:23:38,810 --> 00:23:40,559
-It was so good. Yes.
-Was it really, though?
573
00:23:40,643 --> 00:23:42,434
-Tell me. Don't--
don't you lie to me.
-No, I'm not.
574
00:23:42,518 --> 00:23:43,935
-Don't you lie
to my fucking face.
-I'm not lying!
575
00:23:44,017 --> 00:23:46,267
I told you I'd tell you.
It was incredible.
576
00:23:46,351 --> 00:23:48,267
-Really?
-I can't believe that
was your first time.
577
00:23:48,351 --> 00:23:50,726
-You're a natural.
-I believe you.
578
00:23:50,810 --> 00:23:54,351
(both laughing)
579
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,142
-You were so great.
-Oh, thank you.
580
00:23:58,226 --> 00:23:59,976
Pete, can I talk
to you for a second?
581
00:24:00,059 --> 00:24:01,351
I have one note.
582
00:24:01,434 --> 00:24:02,559
Ali (squealing):
Thank you...
583
00:24:02,643 --> 00:24:05,434
I know everything
that's going on.
584
00:24:05,518 --> 00:24:07,059
What?
585
00:24:07,142 --> 00:24:10,434
I see everything.
586
00:24:10,518 --> 00:24:11,768
Ali:
It was amazing.
587
00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:14,351
Jess:
Oh my God.
I'm so glad it's over!
588
00:24:14,434 --> 00:24:16,393
(indistinct cheering)
589
00:24:19,017 --> 00:24:20,476
Oh, hey!
590
00:24:20,559 --> 00:24:22,476
Hey.
591
00:24:22,559 --> 00:24:23,768
Hey.
592
00:24:23,851 --> 00:24:25,935
(water running)
593
00:24:29,768 --> 00:24:34,476
Was that, um, dick joke
about Pete's dick?
594
00:24:34,559 --> 00:24:37,101
Oh, no. No.
No, no, no, no.
595
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:40,518
Um, I've actually
encountered a lot of
soft dicks in my day, so...
596
00:24:40,601 --> 00:24:43,810
Yeah, 'cause it
seemed like it was
about Pete's dick.
597
00:24:43,893 --> 00:24:45,476
Mm-mm.
598
00:24:45,559 --> 00:24:47,309
Okay, 'cause with me,
599
00:24:47,393 --> 00:24:51,559
Pete's dick is always
hard with me.
600
00:24:53,601 --> 00:24:55,601
Congratulations
on your achievement.
601
00:24:59,810 --> 00:25:01,601
(toilet flushing)
602
00:25:01,685 --> 00:25:06,434
-Uh... what the fuck?
-Oh my God.
603
00:25:06,518 --> 00:25:08,434
-I'm like
scared for Pete.
-Yeah.
604
00:25:08,518 --> 00:25:10,309
I feel physically scared.
605
00:25:10,393 --> 00:25:11,976
She's going to break
his heart.
606
00:25:12,059 --> 00:25:14,267
-She's going
to annihilate him.
-Yeah.
607
00:25:15,142 --> 00:25:16,851
(sighing)
608
00:25:16,935 --> 00:25:19,267
Anyway, it's kind of fun
thinking about how she's
going to hurt him, but...
609
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:22,184
We should totally hang out
with her when they break up.
610
00:25:22,267 --> 00:25:24,768
(both laughing)
611
00:25:27,643 --> 00:25:29,393
Kitty, what are
you doing? Hold on.
612
00:25:29,476 --> 00:25:30,935
-Stop it! Stop.
-Come on. Stop.
613
00:25:31,017 --> 00:25:33,184
-You're in the street.
-You fucking shushed me, Pete.
614
00:25:33,267 --> 00:25:36,393
You fucking shushed me,
and I'm your girlfriend.
615
00:25:36,476 --> 00:25:39,309
I'm the one
that's important,
not your fucking ex-girlfriend
616
00:25:39,393 --> 00:25:41,267
-who's on fucking TV.
-Listen to me, hold on.
617
00:25:41,351 --> 00:25:44,601
You were talking during
a very important
stand-up set, okay?
618
00:25:44,685 --> 00:25:46,184
Tonight was about Ali,
619
00:25:46,267 --> 00:25:47,976
and you were--
It's rude.
620
00:25:48,059 --> 00:25:49,559
-It's fucking rude.
-I was rude?
621
00:25:49,643 --> 00:25:51,267
-Yes.
-You know what's
fucking rude
622
00:25:51,351 --> 00:25:55,643
is Ali telling a joke
about you on national TV,
in front of everyone.
623
00:25:55,726 --> 00:25:58,059
-You should be
fucking humiliated.
-You don't know that.
624
00:25:58,142 --> 00:26:00,893
You don't know it was
about me. How do you
know it was about me?
625
00:26:00,976 --> 00:26:04,226
-It was about your dick.
-I don't fucking lose
enough erections
626
00:26:04,309 --> 00:26:07,309
for that to definitely
be about me. You don't
know that.
627
00:26:08,309 --> 00:26:11,935
Comics make jokes about
people they care about.
628
00:26:12,017 --> 00:26:14,559
-That's what we do.
-Oh, she cares about you.
629
00:26:14,643 --> 00:26:18,059
That's-- That makes me
feel so much better.
630
00:26:18,142 --> 00:26:19,810
I'm just gonna
let you guys--
631
00:26:19,893 --> 00:26:21,685
I'll let you go,
go back to her.
632
00:26:21,768 --> 00:26:23,559
-Can I explain something
to you right now?
-No, bye.
633
00:26:23,643 --> 00:26:26,685
You're my girlfriend,
and you're making
a drunken, crazy scene
634
00:26:26,768 --> 00:26:28,643
in front of a club,
on a night that has
nothing to do with you!
635
00:26:28,726 --> 00:26:30,476
So, if you tell jokes
about the people you care about,
636
00:26:30,559 --> 00:26:33,935
then what do you...
what jokes do you tell about me?
637
00:26:34,017 --> 00:26:36,101
I don't. I don't do
jokes about you.
638
00:26:36,184 --> 00:26:37,768
Is that what you want?
I don't do any jokes--
639
00:26:37,851 --> 00:26:39,393
-You're a fucking liar.
-I don't do any jokes--
640
00:26:39,476 --> 00:26:40,893
-Tell me what
jokes you tell.
-Jesus.
641
00:26:40,976 --> 00:26:42,768
-Tell me what jokes
you say about me.
-No!
642
00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:44,726
I'm not doing my act
for you in the road,
643
00:26:44,810 --> 00:26:46,851
-while you're making a scene.
-Oh, you're not gonna do
your shitty little act?
644
00:26:46,935 --> 00:26:48,601
Do it. You can't get
into The Cellar.
645
00:26:48,685 --> 00:26:51,643
Tell me a fucking joke
outside of The Cellar, Pete.
646
00:26:57,017 --> 00:26:59,059
My girlfriend loves dildos.
647
00:26:59,726 --> 00:27:01,184
Sometimes she says
she's not in the mood,
648
00:27:01,267 --> 00:27:03,017
and then I hear her
sneak off into the bathroom
649
00:27:03,101 --> 00:27:05,518
and it sounds like
a helicopter leaving Saigon.
650
00:27:07,768 --> 00:27:11,768
Did you tell that joke
while you were fucking
her in New Jersey?
651
00:27:11,851 --> 00:27:14,643
I didn't...
I didn't cheat on you.
652
00:27:14,726 --> 00:27:16,434
I've never-- I've never even
thought about cheating.
653
00:27:16,518 --> 00:27:20,059
I have eyeballs
and I can see everything
that's going on!
654
00:27:22,935 --> 00:27:26,351
I see everything!
655
00:27:29,476 --> 00:27:32,393
-I know what's up, Pete.
-What's up?
656
00:27:33,142 --> 00:27:35,059
-What's up? What's up?
-(mocking): What's up?
657
00:27:35,142 --> 00:27:36,810
-What's up?
-What's going on?
658
00:27:36,893 --> 00:27:40,601
(with deaf accent):
Do you understand the words
I'm saying right now?
659
00:27:40,685 --> 00:27:42,309
Jesus.
660
00:27:42,393 --> 00:27:43,726
What the fuck
are you doing?
661
00:27:43,810 --> 00:27:45,059
What do you mean
what the fuck am I doing?
662
00:27:45,142 --> 00:27:46,476
You can't do deaf--
What are you--
663
00:27:46,559 --> 00:27:48,226
Why can't I do it,
comedy police?
664
00:27:48,309 --> 00:27:49,810
Why can't I do
fucking deaf voice?
665
00:27:49,893 --> 00:27:52,267
You sound like a bully
in an '80s movie.
666
00:27:52,351 --> 00:27:55,726
Well, you're... You suck!
667
00:27:55,810 --> 00:27:58,142
You're a shitty boyfriend.
668
00:27:59,601 --> 00:28:01,851
And you're
an even shittier comic.
669
00:28:01,935 --> 00:28:04,101
Okay, can you get
out of the street?
670
00:28:04,184 --> 00:28:06,393
-You're a shitty joke.
-Can you get out
of the street, please?
671
00:28:06,476 --> 00:28:08,851
You get out
of the street!
672
00:28:08,935 --> 00:28:13,059
-Get on the
fucking sidewalk.
-I'll do what I want!
673
00:28:17,267 --> 00:28:19,685
Yo, Pete, man.
You gotta get out
of the street, dude.
674
00:28:19,768 --> 00:28:22,810
Yeah. I saw a guy
got hit out here
like two days ago.
675
00:28:22,893 --> 00:28:24,601
He's fucking dead.
676
00:28:25,434 --> 00:28:27,101
Yeah.
677
00:28:27,184 --> 00:28:28,726
-Sorry.
-Come on.
678
00:28:30,893 --> 00:28:32,851
Babe, you were
so good tonight.
679
00:28:32,935 --> 00:28:35,935
Did you have fun,
my pretty, pretty princess?
680
00:28:36,017 --> 00:28:37,601
-I did.
-Good.
681
00:28:37,685 --> 00:28:40,893
Now, if I can just
find the pin drop
of where my car is.
682
00:28:40,976 --> 00:28:43,059
-Where'd you park?
-Like five blocks.
683
00:28:43,142 --> 00:28:45,226
I'm going to walk
her to her Fiat.
684
00:28:45,309 --> 00:28:46,643
-No.
-I am.
685
00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:49,184
-All right.
-Be right back.
686
00:28:49,267 --> 00:28:50,893
He really is the best.
Come on.
687
00:28:50,976 --> 00:28:53,101
I don't deserve him.
688
00:28:55,810 --> 00:28:58,393
-Ah. Hi, hi.
-Hey.
689
00:28:58,476 --> 00:29:00,226
-Great set.
-Thank you.
690
00:29:00,309 --> 00:29:01,893
Everything you
wanted it to be.
691
00:29:01,976 --> 00:29:03,685
Yeah, it was good.
692
00:29:03,768 --> 00:29:06,059
Hey, congrats.
I'm gonna go get started
on that action plan.
693
00:29:06,142 --> 00:29:09,476
Okay, yeah. I didn't
ask you to do that.
694
00:29:11,267 --> 00:29:12,226
(sighs)
695
00:29:12,309 --> 00:29:13,810
Where's Kat?
696
00:29:13,893 --> 00:29:16,226
Kat and I just had
a really big fight,
697
00:29:16,309 --> 00:29:18,101
in the middle
of the street.
698
00:29:18,184 --> 00:29:19,893
Oh, shit.
699
00:29:19,976 --> 00:29:23,976
And it ended with her screaming
about your penis joke.
700
00:29:25,768 --> 00:29:28,685
Yeah, I know.
701
00:29:28,768 --> 00:29:31,601
She kind of cornered me
in the bathroom.
702
00:29:31,685 --> 00:29:36,142
-She confronted me
after my set about the joke.
-For fuck's sake, really?
703
00:29:36,226 --> 00:29:38,226
I don't think
she liked it.
704
00:29:38,309 --> 00:29:40,059
I was made
aware of that.
705
00:29:40,142 --> 00:29:41,643
She's scary.
I didn't know!
706
00:29:41,726 --> 00:29:44,726
-Maybe she was just upset.
-She did deaf voice to me.
707
00:29:44,810 --> 00:29:46,434
-Just now.
-What?
708
00:29:46,518 --> 00:29:48,851
-In front of-- People were
watching and she did--
-What does that mean?
709
00:29:48,935 --> 00:29:51,935
-(with deaf accent): Do you--
-No! Stop. I get it, I get it.
710
00:29:52,017 --> 00:29:53,810
It was horrifying.
711
00:29:54,601 --> 00:29:56,476
People say dumb shit
when they're fighting.
712
00:29:56,559 --> 00:29:58,267
Not in deaf voice,
they don't.
713
00:29:58,351 --> 00:29:59,393
Yeah.
714
00:30:00,768 --> 00:30:02,768
I think I'm in
over my head.
715
00:30:04,101 --> 00:30:05,226
I'm sorry.
716
00:30:06,267 --> 00:30:08,226
-Okay.
-Um...
717
00:30:08,309 --> 00:30:11,142
Well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.
718
00:30:11,226 --> 00:30:13,768
-Okay.
-I gotta go find Ted.
719
00:30:16,059 --> 00:30:17,851
I really am sorry.
720
00:30:21,601 --> 00:30:24,393
Okay. All right.
721
00:30:24,476 --> 00:30:27,017
(R&B song playing)
722
00:30:33,726 --> 00:30:39,893
♪ Why is it so hard
to accept the party is over? ♪
723
00:30:39,976 --> 00:30:41,643
♪ You came with
your new friends ♪
724
00:30:41,726 --> 00:30:43,351
♪ And her mom jeans
and her new Vans ♪
725
00:30:43,434 --> 00:30:46,309
♪ And she's perfect
and I hate it ♪
726
00:30:46,393 --> 00:30:47,726
♪ O h so glad you made it ♪
727
00:30:47,810 --> 00:30:49,768
♪ I'm so glad
you could come by ♪
728
00:30:49,851 --> 00:30:52,768
♪ Somebody get the tacos,
somebody spark the blunt ♪
729
00:30:52,851 --> 00:30:55,601
♪ Let's start the Narcos
off at episode one ♪
730
00:30:55,685 --> 00:30:57,393
-♪ Bring the gin ♪
-♪ Got the juice ♪
731
00:30:57,476 --> 00:30:58,976
-♪ Bring the sin ♪
-♪ Got that too ♪
732
00:30:59,059 --> 00:31:02,351
♪ Whoa, just shut up
know you're my favorite ♪
733
00:31:02,434 --> 00:31:05,851
♪ Am I warm
enough for ya? ♪
734
00:31:05,935 --> 00:31:08,017
♪ Outside, baby, yeah ♪
735
00:31:08,101 --> 00:31:10,518
♪ Tell me if it's warm
enough here for ya ♪
736
00:31:10,601 --> 00:31:14,476
♪ Warm enough for ya
inside me? ♪
737
00:31:14,559 --> 00:31:17,643
♪ Me, me, me? ♪
738
00:31:25,810 --> 00:31:27,935
♪ ♪
739
00:31:35,851 --> 00:31:37,476
Are you okay?
740
00:31:38,810 --> 00:31:41,017
I'm funnier
than that whore.
741
00:31:46,226 --> 00:31:47,643
Go to sleep.
742
00:31:54,768 --> 00:31:56,851
(phone vibrating)
743
00:32:04,476 --> 00:32:07,101
♪ ♪
744
00:32:07,184 --> 00:32:11,976
♪ Warm enough for ya
outside, baby, yeah ♪
745
00:32:12,059 --> 00:32:14,267
♪ Tell me if it's warm
enough here for ya ♪
746
00:32:14,351 --> 00:32:21,309
♪ Warm enough for ya
inside me, me, me, me? ♪
747
00:32:21,393 --> 00:32:26,142
♪ Warm enough for ya
outside, baby, yeah ♪
748
00:32:26,226 --> 00:32:28,559
♪ Tell me if it's warm
enough here for ya ♪
749
00:32:28,643 --> 00:32:32,059
♪ Warm enough
outside, inside ♪
750
00:32:32,142 --> 00:32:35,434
♪ Warm enough
outside, inside ♪
751
00:32:35,518 --> 00:32:40,059
♪ Warm enough
outside, inside ♪
752
00:32:40,142 --> 00:32:43,643
♪ Me-me-me-me,
me-me-me ♪
753
00:32:43,726 --> 00:32:49,142
♪ Oh, whoa, is it warm
enough outside, inside? ♪
754
00:32:49,226 --> 00:32:51,351
♪ ♪
755
00:33:07,393 --> 00:33:09,518
♪ ♪
55735
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