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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,226 --> 00:00:03,434 -Hey. -Whoa! Petey. 2 00:00:03,518 --> 00:00:04,893 -What's going on? -What's up, buddy? 3 00:00:04,976 --> 00:00:07,226 -Bac from the-- back from the college tour, right? -Yeah! 4 00:00:07,309 --> 00:00:09,226 Hey. I'm, uh-- I'm back. 5 00:00:09,601 --> 00:00:10,768 I don't care. 6 00:00:11,434 --> 00:00:12,393 ALI: My boyfriend and I, 7 00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:15,101 we just took our relationship to the next level. 8 00:00:15,184 --> 00:00:16,017 We broke up. 9 00:00:16,351 --> 00:00:17,643 JASON: Women, you don't have to shave entirely. 10 00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,142 Otherwise, it just feels like another part of the thigh. 11 00:00:20,226 --> 00:00:21,851 If I'm going into a rough neighborhood, 12 00:00:21,935 --> 00:00:23,476 -I wanna know it. -Oh, boy. 13 00:00:23,559 --> 00:00:24,810 -Hey, hey. -Yeah? 14 00:00:24,893 --> 00:00:27,101 I think women are f-- funny. 15 00:00:27,184 --> 00:00:28,351 Spread the word. 16 00:00:28,434 --> 00:00:29,393 What am I doing wrong? 17 00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:32,184 No one in here knows that you are the next Kevin Hart. 18 00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:33,559 I'm not the next Kevin Hart. 19 00:00:33,643 --> 00:00:35,601 Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart. We have a Kevin Hart. 20 00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:37,518 He's... perfect for the part. 21 00:00:38,017 --> 00:00:40,142 I'm just a... I'm a club guy. 22 00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:55,768 Shouldn't we hustle? 23 00:00:55,851 --> 00:00:57,434 Show's at eight. There might be traffic. 24 00:00:57,518 --> 00:01:00,142 Easy, Pete. There's no show without us. 25 00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,893 That starts on the way down, baby. 26 00:01:01,976 --> 00:01:03,559 It's an attitude. You gotta... 27 00:01:03,643 --> 00:01:05,726 You gotta own this thing, you know? 28 00:01:05,810 --> 00:01:07,226 Pete... 29 00:01:07,309 --> 00:01:08,976 the middle act drives. 30 00:01:09,059 --> 00:01:11,393 Didn't I tell you that? The middle act drives, baby. 31 00:01:11,476 --> 00:01:13,601 -Come on. -Okay. 32 00:01:13,685 --> 00:01:16,393 When I was starting out, I drove Jay Mohr. 33 00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:19,768 Had to listen to "Who Let the Dogs Out?" 17 times. 34 00:01:19,851 --> 00:01:21,434 The guy was obsessed. 35 00:01:21,518 --> 00:01:23,726 Never let them see you sweat, Petey. 36 00:01:23,810 --> 00:01:25,559 You're gonna be doing this for years. 37 00:01:25,643 --> 00:01:27,601 You gotta learn to relax a little bit. 38 00:01:27,685 --> 00:01:29,309 Yeah, yeah. No, I... 39 00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:31,309 I wasn't really sure what to do next, 40 00:01:31,393 --> 00:01:33,685 but I'm kind of saying yes to everything. 41 00:01:33,768 --> 00:01:35,434 That's good, man. That's what you gotta do. 42 00:01:35,518 --> 00:01:37,685 You gotta get up when you can get up. You gotta grind it. 43 00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:40,017 That's my thinking. I'm even, you know, 44 00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:43,685 sort of considering doing this, um, Christian tour. 45 00:01:44,518 --> 00:01:46,518 I mean, it's not... it's not a certain thing. 46 00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,434 They just-- I did a show at a temple. 47 00:01:48,518 --> 00:01:50,685 A woman said, "I think you'd be good for the religious market," 48 00:01:50,768 --> 00:01:53,518 -so I have an offer, but... -Fuck that! 49 00:01:54,976 --> 00:01:56,685 Pete, I meant-- 50 00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:58,851 When I said everything, I didn't mean everything. 51 00:01:58,935 --> 00:02:00,101 I mean real comedy. 52 00:02:00,184 --> 00:02:03,226 Real. Not some fucking whacked-out Jesus shit. 53 00:02:03,309 --> 00:02:04,976 Right. 54 00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:07,476 Yeah, no. I'm not sure I'm gonna do it, either. 55 00:02:07,559 --> 00:02:08,893 Good. 56 00:02:09,810 --> 00:02:11,309 You gonna buckle up? 57 00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,768 (sighs) 58 00:02:13,851 --> 00:02:16,768 You know, the statistics are in. 59 00:02:17,768 --> 00:02:18,810 Come on. 60 00:02:18,893 --> 00:02:22,726 (heavy metal blaring on stereo) 61 00:02:23,851 --> 00:02:25,559 Let's roll, Petey! 62 00:02:33,518 --> 00:02:38,142 ♪ Can the pestilence within you be bled out? ♪ 63 00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:43,434 ♪ May I have the honor of this amputation? ♪ 64 00:02:43,518 --> 00:02:45,726 ♪ Know that you have made an enemy ♪ 65 00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:48,685 ♪ To show you the meaning of indignity ♪ 66 00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:52,851 ♪ I live now solely for the pleasure of your slow decay ♪ 67 00:02:52,935 --> 00:02:55,851 -(music stops) -Jason: Oh! Hi-yah! 68 00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:58,059 Whoa. Whoa. 69 00:02:59,226 --> 00:03:01,017 This is it? 70 00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,184 This is it. 71 00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:03,976 What do you mean, "This is it?" 72 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,184 You never stayed at the Comedy Club condo before? 73 00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:07,559 No. 74 00:03:07,643 --> 00:03:10,601 Is this your first club weekend, your first full weekend? 75 00:03:10,685 --> 00:03:13,267 Yeah, I've only done one-nighters, colleges. 76 00:03:13,351 --> 00:03:15,184 You are gonna love this here, man. 77 00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,976 This is not like the city, where they have a bunch of entertainment options 78 00:03:18,059 --> 00:03:19,851 and nobody really cares that you're there. 79 00:03:19,935 --> 00:03:23,142 Here, they're grateful you just showed up. 80 00:03:24,101 --> 00:03:26,351 Get ready, baby. This is it. 81 00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,059 Do you like waitresses, Pete? 82 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:31,976 Uh, yeah, I like when they call me "Hon." That's fun. 83 00:03:32,059 --> 00:03:33,726 What the hell are you talking about, Pete? 84 00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:36,476 Why would you ever get into comedy if you don't want to bang waitresses? 85 00:03:39,059 --> 00:03:41,685 Wow. It's like an assassin's hideout. 86 00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:45,226 This is a hot scene, baby. I've got good memories here, believe me. 87 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,935 -Look who it is. -Ali: Ah! 88 00:03:48,017 --> 00:03:51,643 -Al. Hey. -Hey. 89 00:03:52,559 --> 00:03:55,059 What are you-- Are you working this weekend? 90 00:03:55,142 --> 00:03:56,434 Yeah. 91 00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:58,685 I mean, yeah, I just saw the lineup. 92 00:03:58,768 --> 00:04:02,810 -We could have, you know, come up together. -Yeah, I wish I had known. 93 00:04:02,893 --> 00:04:05,559 Hey, guys, let's get some ground rules down, huh? Road shit. 94 00:04:05,643 --> 00:04:08,476 I sleep all day, so keep it down before four p.m., 95 00:04:08,559 --> 00:04:10,184 unless, of course, I'm still sleeping. 96 00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:13,643 Also, if you eat some of my food, I will eat all of your food. 97 00:04:13,726 --> 00:04:16,976 That is the Chicago way. Connery, Untouchables . 98 00:04:17,059 --> 00:04:18,726 I'm gonna go take a nap. 99 00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:22,476 If you hear any noises, I'm doing push-ups. 100 00:04:22,559 --> 00:04:24,768 (as Andrew Dice Clay): Oh! 101 00:04:24,851 --> 00:04:26,935 (both laugh) 102 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,518 Wow. 103 00:04:29,559 --> 00:04:33,142 -That, uh, that must have been a fun commute. -Yeah. 104 00:04:33,226 --> 00:04:35,267 Did he bring a book of CDs with him? 105 00:04:35,726 --> 00:04:39,184 No, but he did think Spotify is a laundry app. 106 00:04:39,518 --> 00:04:41,351 Who-- 107 00:04:41,434 --> 00:04:43,976 -I don't know. -So many feelings, so many thoughts. 108 00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:46,351 -Yeah. -(sighs) 109 00:04:49,017 --> 00:04:53,309 I'm surprised to, you know, see you in deep Jersey. 110 00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,476 Yeah, I, um... 111 00:04:55,559 --> 00:04:59,851 -I'm still running that, that late-night set. -Oh, right. 112 00:04:59,935 --> 00:05:03,601 Yeah, I was working on it in the city, but I just 113 00:05:03,685 --> 00:05:06,559 kind of felt like I needed to get a new read on it. 114 00:05:06,643 --> 00:05:08,226 -Oh, absolutely. -Yeah. 115 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:11,142 -You gotta make sure it works for, you know, real people. -Yeah. 116 00:05:11,226 --> 00:05:13,643 -Uh, how are you? -I'm good. 117 00:05:13,726 --> 00:05:15,518 Good, good, good. 118 00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:18,518 I started, um... I'm actually dating somebody now, 119 00:05:18,601 --> 00:05:20,643 so that's... that's nice. 120 00:05:20,726 --> 00:05:22,643 -Cool. -Very nice. 121 00:05:22,726 --> 00:05:25,893 Yeah. Kat, her name's Kat. Kitty. 122 00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,559 -How's it going? -It's great. 123 00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:31,476 -Yeah? -Yeah, it's going really great. 124 00:05:31,559 --> 00:05:34,810 It's actually going so well, the only thing I worry about is how well it's going. 125 00:05:34,893 --> 00:05:36,434 (chuckles) 126 00:05:36,518 --> 00:05:40,184 -Glad you could still find a way to worry about it. -Oh yeah. 127 00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:42,518 -(Ali laughs) -That's my specialty. 128 00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:45,393 -I'm like Anxiety MacGyver. -Mm. 129 00:05:45,476 --> 00:05:48,184 I can make a bomb out of even a good thing. 130 00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,184 Mm-hmm. 131 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,851 Oh! Fun fact. 132 00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:54,685 There's a lot of cheese in the fridge. 133 00:05:54,768 --> 00:05:58,810 Like, whoever was here before just left all the cheese. 134 00:05:58,893 --> 00:06:00,351 Great, I'm starving. 135 00:06:00,434 --> 00:06:02,476 (laughs) Are you seriously gonna eat the cheese? 136 00:06:02,559 --> 00:06:05,101 -No! -(laughing): I really thought you were! 137 00:06:05,184 --> 00:06:08,685 I do not want to eat Pablo Francisco's cheese. 138 00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:11,935 (pop music playing over PA) 139 00:06:23,142 --> 00:06:24,476 You know they got a go-kart track 140 00:06:24,559 --> 00:06:26,810 on the second floor of this mall, Pete? 141 00:06:26,893 --> 00:06:27,976 Maybe we'll go. 142 00:06:28,059 --> 00:06:30,184 -Can I help you? -What's up, man? 143 00:06:30,976 --> 00:06:33,726 -Can I help you? -Yeah, sure. I'm the headliner. 144 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,142 I, uh, I'm the guy. 145 00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:38,351 Okay, what's your name? 146 00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:42,559 Serious? My-- Jason Webber, I'm on the marquee. 147 00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:45,142 I got a big fucking poster out front. 148 00:06:45,226 --> 00:06:47,768 I have Jason Webber at the front entrance. 149 00:06:47,851 --> 00:06:49,434 Have you seen the poster? 150 00:06:49,518 --> 00:06:51,851 Let me do the poster for him. 151 00:06:51,935 --> 00:06:53,101 Ali: Mm. 152 00:06:54,476 --> 00:06:56,059 That's the face he does on his poster. 153 00:06:56,142 --> 00:06:57,768 -I do it right there on the poster. -Do it again. 154 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,434 -Watch this. -Look at this. 155 00:06:59,518 --> 00:07:00,643 That's-- See? 156 00:07:00,726 --> 00:07:03,726 Sorry, man, I'm not a comedy fan. 157 00:07:03,810 --> 00:07:06,101 -Follow me. -(Pete sighs) 158 00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:07,601 Okay. 159 00:07:07,685 --> 00:07:10,267 (rock music playing) 160 00:07:10,351 --> 00:07:11,559 Here you go. 161 00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:14,685 Okay, okay. 162 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,267 Nice. 163 00:07:17,351 --> 00:07:18,893 It smells like leather. 164 00:07:18,976 --> 00:07:20,601 Hey. Hi. Hello. 165 00:07:20,685 --> 00:07:23,309 -I'm Gavin. I'm the club manager. -Ali: Hey. 166 00:07:23,393 --> 00:07:26,351 Now, you met Steve. Deborah's gonna be taking care of you. 167 00:07:26,434 --> 00:07:27,893 What happened to Richie? 168 00:07:27,976 --> 00:07:29,976 Remember Richie? Richie was a great guy. 169 00:07:30,059 --> 00:07:32,142 I'm sorry, I don't know Richie. I don't have any idea 170 00:07:32,226 --> 00:07:34,393 what occurred here before the club was acquired. 171 00:07:34,476 --> 00:07:36,643 The guy was a blast, a lunatic, but a great guy. 172 00:07:36,726 --> 00:07:39,643 He used to keep his gun on the desk when we settled up. 173 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,142 -Yeah, hold on. -It was a bit. 174 00:07:41,226 --> 00:07:44,184 Uh-huh. No. Yeah. 175 00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:46,309 Right, it's a boneless wing. 176 00:07:46,393 --> 00:07:48,685 Right. But no, it's a wing. 177 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:51,393 Right, so if you're looking for it alphabetically, it'll be under W. 178 00:07:51,476 --> 00:07:54,351 Okay, I've got the running order here. 179 00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,851 -Ali, you're hosting. It's ten. -Yeah. 180 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,476 We need, you know, big energy, bright. 181 00:07:59,559 --> 00:08:00,810 Okay. Yeah. 182 00:08:00,893 --> 00:08:02,726 I'm just running a late-night set, so that's fine. 183 00:08:02,810 --> 00:08:05,476 And here are the announcements. Please read all of them. 184 00:08:05,559 --> 00:08:07,226 A lot of info on there: social media, 185 00:08:07,309 --> 00:08:10,142 drink specials, upcoming events. Even a couple jokes on there. 186 00:08:10,226 --> 00:08:12,976 Oh, you wrote... You guys wrote jokes for me to say? 187 00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,685 Yeah, just to make it easy on you. 188 00:08:14,768 --> 00:08:16,810 Oh, that's really helpful. Thank you. 189 00:08:16,893 --> 00:08:18,601 Please read those verbatim. They do work. 190 00:08:18,685 --> 00:08:19,976 Cool. 191 00:08:20,059 --> 00:08:21,559 -All right, Pete. -Yes. 192 00:08:21,643 --> 00:08:23,976 -You're our middle. You'll do 25. -Right on. 193 00:08:24,059 --> 00:08:26,810 And you do 45. Please keep to time. 194 00:08:26,893 --> 00:08:29,810 There's a red countdown clock right at your feet. You can't miss it. 195 00:08:29,893 --> 00:08:33,101 Not a problem. 45, tight as a drum, wall-to-wall laughs. 196 00:08:33,184 --> 00:08:36,393 I'm not prepping some late-night set that nobody's gonna see. 197 00:08:39,601 --> 00:08:41,017 -Okay. -Ali: Okay. 198 00:08:41,101 --> 00:08:42,351 (door closes) 199 00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,434 Kid runs a tight ship. 200 00:08:44,518 --> 00:08:47,518 -Dude, what the fuck was that? -What? 201 00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:51,768 Are you that insecure you have to tear me down in front of the manager? 202 00:08:52,476 --> 00:08:53,810 Tear you... 203 00:08:53,893 --> 00:08:56,851 Oh, sorry, Ms. Seth Myers. 204 00:08:56,935 --> 00:08:59,351 You know, listen, I wasn't talking about 205 00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:02,017 your set specifically. I'm talking about all of it. 206 00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:04,476 -Mm. -It's all bullshit. 207 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,309 If you were doing late-night, you wouldn't think it was bullshit. 208 00:09:07,393 --> 00:09:10,309 Let me tell you something. Late-night died with Letterman. 209 00:09:10,393 --> 00:09:12,476 Late-night sets are now just YouTube videos 210 00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:15,226 with the Hyundai commercials you can't fucking skip. 211 00:09:15,309 --> 00:09:18,059 That's what it is. Nobody watches this shit anymore. 212 00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:19,935 -Mm-hmm. -There's a billion fucking channels. 213 00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:23,851 -Nobody sees it. -Okay, all right. Whatever. 214 00:09:23,935 --> 00:09:25,309 (scoffs) 215 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,393 (scoffs) 216 00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,643 (whispers): "Whatever." 217 00:09:31,810 --> 00:09:34,017 -(audience chattering) -("Love Shack" melody playing) 218 00:09:34,101 --> 00:09:36,059 ♪ The Chuckle Shack is... ♪ 219 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,559 Announcer: All right, Chuckle Shack. 220 00:09:38,643 --> 00:09:40,976 Are we ready for a great show tonight? 221 00:09:41,059 --> 00:09:42,434 (cheering, whistling) 222 00:09:42,518 --> 00:09:45,851 Your host tonight is a very funny and talented comedienne. 223 00:09:45,935 --> 00:09:48,393 Please give it up for the lovely and talented 224 00:09:48,476 --> 00:09:50,935 Ali Reissen! 225 00:09:51,017 --> 00:09:53,142 (cheering) 226 00:09:58,017 --> 00:09:59,768 Hello. How are you guys? 227 00:09:59,851 --> 00:10:02,768 -(cheers) -Yeah? Okay. 228 00:10:02,851 --> 00:10:05,935 -Clap it up for yourselves... -(applause) 229 00:10:06,017 --> 00:10:08,101 ...and these wonderful high ceilings. 230 00:10:08,184 --> 00:10:10,893 It's so great to be here. Oh, my God! 231 00:10:10,976 --> 00:10:14,434 I have to say, of all the clubs I've done in New Jersey 232 00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:16,434 between a Chipotle and a Target, 233 00:10:16,518 --> 00:10:19,768 this is the one I'm doing right now. 234 00:10:19,851 --> 00:10:22,059 (laughter) 235 00:10:22,142 --> 00:10:25,142 I was told I have to do some of these announcements, 236 00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:26,976 so, um, here we go. 237 00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:30,101 You can find the Chuckle Shack on social media. 238 00:10:30,184 --> 00:10:32,976 -You guys have social media? Yeah! -Yeah! 239 00:10:33,059 --> 00:10:34,851 They are @TheChuckleShackComedy 240 00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,810 on Twitter, on Facebook, on Instagram, on Snapchat. 241 00:10:37,893 --> 00:10:39,810 Okay, it's shocking they have a Snapchat. 242 00:10:39,893 --> 00:10:42,476 Um, every Sunday this month at one p.m. 243 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,434 there's something called Two-Milk Minimum. 244 00:10:45,518 --> 00:10:47,226 It's family friendly comedy. 245 00:10:47,309 --> 00:10:49,976 The show is so funny, you'll laugh till you squirt... 246 00:10:50,059 --> 00:10:53,851 -(scattered laughter) -...milk out of your nose. 247 00:10:53,935 --> 00:10:57,393 It's actually real. That's actually written here for me to say. 248 00:10:58,351 --> 00:11:02,643 All right, guys. Well, it's so cool to be here. 249 00:11:02,726 --> 00:11:04,393 I actually have some exciting news. 250 00:11:04,476 --> 00:11:07,393 I am doing stand-up on television next week 251 00:11:07,476 --> 00:11:09,184 -on Seth Myers. Yeah. -(cheering) 252 00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:11,726 Would it be okay if I ran my set for you guys? 253 00:11:11,810 --> 00:11:15,518 -(cheers and applause) -Okay, awesome. I'm just gonna get into it. 254 00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:18,101 Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do the whole... 255 00:11:18,976 --> 00:11:21,309 Hey, guys. Great to be here. 256 00:11:21,393 --> 00:11:23,267 (cheers, applause) 257 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,643 Oh, my God. My name is Ali, 258 00:11:27,726 --> 00:11:30,393 which is short for Allison. 259 00:11:30,476 --> 00:11:33,518 Allison sounds way more sophisticated, right? 260 00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:36,851 Like, Allison could win a Pulitzer Prize. 261 00:11:36,935 --> 00:11:38,976 Ali could win a free Blooming Onion 262 00:11:39,059 --> 00:11:40,810 for taking a tit out at Applebee's. 263 00:11:40,893 --> 00:11:44,017 You know what I mean? It's a different... 264 00:11:44,101 --> 00:11:45,518 It's a different vibe. 265 00:11:45,601 --> 00:11:47,226 -(Ali continues over TV) -(Pete laughing) 266 00:11:47,309 --> 00:11:48,810 Oh, stop. 267 00:11:48,893 --> 00:11:50,518 She's doing good. 268 00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:54,184 -If you're into that, I guess. -I am. 269 00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:57,142 Hey, guys. I'm Deborah. 270 00:11:57,226 --> 00:11:58,685 I'm gonna be your server tonight. 271 00:11:58,768 --> 00:12:00,226 Can I get you anything right now? 272 00:12:00,309 --> 00:12:05,559 Oh, yeah. Can I please have the Cedric the Enchilada? 273 00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:07,726 Amazing. And for you? 274 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,101 I'll have a couple of Heinekens and a shot, whiskey. 275 00:12:10,184 --> 00:12:11,726 -Okay. -Pete, whiskey? 276 00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:15,059 -No, I-- No. -No? 277 00:12:15,142 --> 00:12:17,559 I... I got to go up. 278 00:12:17,643 --> 00:12:20,476 (scoffs) I'm traveling with Paddington Bear, 279 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:21,726 I apologize. Uh... 280 00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:23,267 Okay, so couple of Heinekens and a shot. 281 00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:24,810 Can I get you a shot? Shot of whiskey? 282 00:12:24,893 --> 00:12:28,142 Oh, no, I can't drink while I'm working the tablet. 283 00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:29,851 It starts to get all blurry. 284 00:12:30,351 --> 00:12:33,142 -Blurry tablet, okay. Um... -Yeah. 285 00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:35,017 -All right, I'll, uh-- -So a shot for you? 286 00:12:35,101 --> 00:12:36,226 Yeah, just a shot for me. 287 00:12:36,309 --> 00:12:37,434 -Okay, thanks. -Yeah. 288 00:12:37,518 --> 00:12:39,768 Oh, if you could chill it, please. 289 00:12:39,851 --> 00:12:42,184 -Perfect. Bye, guys. -Thanks, Deborah. 290 00:12:43,685 --> 00:12:45,976 Ah... 291 00:12:46,059 --> 00:12:47,976 How 'bout that? 292 00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:50,184 Pays to be the headliner, huh, Pete? 293 00:12:52,976 --> 00:12:53,935 (laughter) 294 00:12:54,017 --> 00:12:56,226 I don't like it. I don't like the museum. 295 00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,559 It's boring. I don't want to go. 296 00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:01,935 When I'm at the museum, I'm not looking at paintings to appreciate them. 297 00:13:02,017 --> 00:13:08,101 I'm staring at the painting, trying to figure out how long is appropriate to look at it, 298 00:13:08,184 --> 00:13:10,810 so when I walk away, the other people in the room aren't like, 299 00:13:10,893 --> 00:13:13,976 -"Well, he didn't get it at all." -(laughter) 300 00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,351 So I make a real serious face. I'm like, "Mm-mm. 301 00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:19,434 Look at the brush strokes. Oh, yeah." 302 00:13:19,518 --> 00:13:22,851 But in my head I'm just like, ♪ Honey Nut Cheerios! ♪ 303 00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:24,351 (laughter) 304 00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:27,559 ♪ Have 'em for breakfast or lunch, you decide! ♪ 305 00:13:27,643 --> 00:13:29,059 It's not even a real song. 306 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,309 Give it up for Jason Webber! 307 00:13:32,393 --> 00:13:34,267 (cheering, applauding) 308 00:13:34,351 --> 00:13:37,017 (rock music playing) 309 00:13:43,935 --> 00:13:46,976 All right! What's up, fucker? 310 00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,518 -(cheering) -I don't know. Listen. 311 00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:53,810 Sometimes stereotypes are just kind of a reality, you know? 312 00:13:53,893 --> 00:13:58,351 So, that's not racism, you know? It's pattern recognition. 313 00:13:58,434 --> 00:14:02,351 I mean, if you want to go see a film in a quiet theater, 314 00:14:02,434 --> 00:14:06,810 steer clear of Harlem, you know what I mean? 315 00:14:06,893 --> 00:14:09,017 We're all a little bit racist, right? 316 00:14:09,101 --> 00:14:13,851 I mean, who hasn't walked onto an airplane, seen a Chinese pilot 317 00:14:13,935 --> 00:14:17,351 and thought, "I'm gonna buckle up a little bit tighter." 318 00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:20,351 -(scattered laughter) -What do you want from me? 319 00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:23,893 I mean, I don't know how to be a man sometimes, right? 320 00:14:23,976 --> 00:14:27,267 I mean, I'm not sure how to approach a woman, 321 00:14:27,351 --> 00:14:29,351 how to approach a girl, you know? 322 00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:32,851 We live in a time where, uh, you know, we're all on thin ice. 323 00:14:32,935 --> 00:14:34,768 I mean, I don't know-- I don't know how-- 324 00:14:34,851 --> 00:14:36,518 What am I supposed to say, right? 325 00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:39,434 I mean, what's more creepy 326 00:14:39,518 --> 00:14:42,685 than asking a girl whether or not you can kiss her? 327 00:14:42,768 --> 00:14:45,309 "Hey, do you mind if I, um... 328 00:14:45,393 --> 00:14:47,601 -"I mean, I just wanna... -(laughter) 329 00:14:47,685 --> 00:14:49,559 "I'd like to take this... 330 00:14:49,643 --> 00:14:52,601 "this one and this one and... uhh, uhh. 331 00:14:52,685 --> 00:14:53,976 Could I... uhh!" 332 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,685 You know, "Do you mind if I use tongue? Could you..." 333 00:14:56,768 --> 00:14:59,184 You know, I don't know how to talk to a girl. 334 00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:02,434 And how are we supposed to get into actual sex? 335 00:15:02,518 --> 00:15:04,351 I mean, do you write out a form and say, 336 00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:07,059 "Hey, do you mind if we, uh, do a little fucking? 337 00:15:07,142 --> 00:15:10,059 "Would you-- Is it okay if I put it in missionary? 338 00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,935 How about dog-style?" 339 00:15:12,017 --> 00:15:16,142 Do I say, "Hey do you mind if I, uh, slip this in?" 340 00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:18,184 "Oh, okay." "All right." 341 00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:21,601 "Do you mind if I, um-- Is it okay if I pull it out?" 342 00:15:21,685 --> 00:15:22,935 "Okay." 343 00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:24,685 "And do you mind if I speed it up? 344 00:15:24,768 --> 00:15:26,434 "Do you mind if I-- Yeah! Oh, oh! 345 00:15:26,518 --> 00:15:28,267 "Was that okay? Sorry, I didn't know. 346 00:15:28,351 --> 00:15:29,559 "Is it okay? Is it not okay? 347 00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:31,351 Is it okay? Is it not okay?" 348 00:15:32,851 --> 00:15:35,893 (cell phone beeping) 349 00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:41,393 -Hey! -Kat: Hi! 350 00:15:41,476 --> 00:15:43,810 -Hi! - There you are. 351 00:15:43,893 --> 00:15:45,810 -Oh, my God. - Hi. 352 00:15:45,893 --> 00:15:48,935 -I miss you so much. - I miss you, too. 353 00:15:49,017 --> 00:15:51,601 - How was the show? -It was good. 354 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,351 I'm in a Comedy Condo. 355 00:15:54,059 --> 00:15:56,309 I feel like I'm on a stakeout 356 00:15:56,393 --> 00:15:57,976 or in witness protection. 357 00:15:58,059 --> 00:16:00,184 Hey, Pete, you're cutting out a little. 358 00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:01,768 Sorry, can you hear me? 359 00:16:01,851 --> 00:16:05,810 - Um, yes. Okay, yeah. -There's like no cell service here. 360 00:16:05,893 --> 00:16:09,393 -I think it's a Verizon community. -(Kat laughs) 361 00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:11,518 Um, but, yeah, I'm good. How are you? 362 00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:14,309 Oh, I'm good. It was a long day at work. 363 00:16:14,393 --> 00:16:16,476 It was... Yeah, it was just busy. 364 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:19,142 Now what? You got your pajama-jams on? 365 00:16:19,226 --> 00:16:22,017 Yeah, now I'm just in bed just thinking about you. 366 00:16:22,101 --> 00:16:24,851 Oh. I wish I was there. 367 00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:27,017 Yeah? 368 00:16:27,101 --> 00:16:28,893 Why do you wish you were here? 369 00:16:31,476 --> 00:16:33,559 Yeah? Uh... 370 00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:36,267 Um, well, uh... 371 00:16:48,184 --> 00:16:50,935 This is fucking ridiculous. 372 00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:53,893 Hello. 373 00:16:54,559 --> 00:16:59,810 We just tore the club down and you're drinking tea? 374 00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:04,101 I'm drinking tea, and I'm pretty psyched about it. 375 00:17:06,142 --> 00:17:08,142 Where's Pete? 376 00:17:08,685 --> 00:17:10,476 I think he's in his room. 377 00:17:10,559 --> 00:17:14,309 What, am I on the road with the fucking Osmonds? 378 00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:17,851 Enjoy your chamomile. 379 00:17:17,935 --> 00:17:19,643 Enjoy your push-ups! 380 00:17:19,726 --> 00:17:21,768 (door closes) 381 00:17:21,851 --> 00:17:24,184 (mutters): Fucking weirdo. 382 00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,976 -I'm so deep right now. I'm so deep. -Kat: Oh, yeah. 383 00:17:27,059 --> 00:17:28,434 -Yeah. -Oh, fuck. 384 00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:30,893 - How-- Are you close? -I'm fucking close. 385 00:17:30,976 --> 00:17:32,393 -Yeah? -Are you-- Are you close? 386 00:17:32,476 --> 00:17:34,309 Yeah, I'm close. 387 00:17:34,393 --> 00:17:35,643 I want you to-- 388 00:17:35,726 --> 00:17:37,893 Hold on. Kitty, you're cutting out. 389 00:17:37,976 --> 00:17:39,559 -Can you hear me? - Yeah, I can hear you. 390 00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:42,226 - Can you hear me? -I'm close. Are you close? 391 00:17:42,309 --> 00:17:43,976 - Yeah. I want you to come. -I'm so close. 392 00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:46,142 -I'm gonna come. Are you close? -Yeah. 393 00:17:46,226 --> 00:17:48,184 - Yeah, do you wanna come for me? - Are we gonna come? 394 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,726 I'm gonna come. Come with me. Come with me! 395 00:17:50,810 --> 00:17:52,393 Oh, God! 396 00:17:52,476 --> 00:17:54,434 (muffled): Oh, God. 397 00:17:54,518 --> 00:17:56,184 Oh! 398 00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,101 (grunts) 399 00:17:58,184 --> 00:18:00,893 (gasps) 400 00:18:00,976 --> 00:18:02,601 (panting) 401 00:18:02,685 --> 00:18:06,184 Kitty, yeah, that was amazing. 402 00:18:06,851 --> 00:18:08,685 Are you close? 403 00:18:10,351 --> 00:18:12,101 I'm-- Are you there? 404 00:18:12,184 --> 00:18:13,601 Can you hear? Are you close? 405 00:18:13,685 --> 00:18:15,893 Kat, I-- I'm done. 406 00:18:15,976 --> 00:18:17,601 Oh, you-- Fuck, okay. 407 00:18:17,685 --> 00:18:20,017 -I'm sorry, I thought you-- - No, I'm right there. I'm right there. 408 00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:21,309 - I'm so close. -You're close? 409 00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:22,726 Yeah, just keep on talking to me. 410 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,142 - Talk dirty for me. -Okay. 411 00:18:24,226 --> 00:18:27,476 Yeah, talk about your hard cock for me, Pete. 412 00:18:27,559 --> 00:18:29,768 It's a... It's a sad scene down there. 413 00:18:29,851 --> 00:18:32,267 - Okay, just-- -It looks like a cheese doodle in the rain. 414 00:18:32,351 --> 00:18:35,726 Pete, no bits. Don't do bits right now. I just-- 415 00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:37,142 Okay. 416 00:18:37,226 --> 00:18:38,601 I'm fucking... 417 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,768 I'm making you beg for my big hard one. 418 00:18:40,851 --> 00:18:43,976 -Uh-huh. Yeah? -I'm fucking you so hard and so deep. 419 00:18:44,059 --> 00:18:46,559 - Uh-uh. -Gonna wedge my soft one in there. 420 00:18:46,643 --> 00:18:48,309 - Pete! -(laughing) 421 00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:49,935 I'm just gonna-- Just give me a second. 422 00:18:50,017 --> 00:18:52,142 No, no, no. Don't-- I'm fucking you. 423 00:18:52,226 --> 00:18:54,142 I'm fucking you, I'm sorry. I'm fucking you... 424 00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:55,810 with my Sorcerer's Stone. 425 00:18:55,893 --> 00:18:57,518 -Pete! -Here comes my Goblet of Fire. 426 00:18:57,601 --> 00:19:00,476 Stop! It's not funny. I'm not... 427 00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:02,101 I lost it. I'm not... 428 00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,768 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just, 429 00:19:04,851 --> 00:19:08,810 as soon as I come, you know, sex, like, it doesn't really make any sense. 430 00:19:08,893 --> 00:19:10,267 I can't-- I'm really sorry. 431 00:19:10,351 --> 00:19:14,434 No, it's fine. I'm glad you came. I'm gonna, um... 432 00:19:14,518 --> 00:19:17,017 This is just like the sex shop all over again. 433 00:19:17,101 --> 00:19:18,393 I'm s-- Shit. 434 00:19:18,476 --> 00:19:21,309 I'm not in the mood anymore. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 435 00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,101 Kitty... 436 00:19:23,184 --> 00:19:25,226 -Bye. -(phone beeping) 437 00:19:28,476 --> 00:19:29,768 (loud knocking) 438 00:19:29,851 --> 00:19:31,935 Petey! Come on, baby, let's roll! 439 00:19:32,017 --> 00:19:34,267 -What the fuck? -You don't want to get tea-bagged, do ya? 440 00:19:34,351 --> 00:19:35,976 We're going to the mall, bitch! 441 00:19:36,059 --> 00:19:37,393 Let's go. Come on, Petey! 442 00:19:37,476 --> 00:19:40,309 We're gonna make it happen. You're gonna love it. 443 00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,267 ♪ ♪ 444 00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:51,434 ♪ ♪ 445 00:19:57,142 --> 00:19:59,267 ♪ ♪ 446 00:20:17,142 --> 00:20:19,267 ♪ ♪ 447 00:20:22,601 --> 00:20:24,643 (rock music playing) 448 00:20:24,726 --> 00:20:26,267 Okay, good. You're all here. 449 00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:28,851 Um, I've been trying to get a hold of your manager. 450 00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:31,226 I manage myself. What do you think, 451 00:20:31,309 --> 00:20:33,226 I'm gonna pay someone ten percent to pick up a phone, 452 00:20:33,309 --> 00:20:35,893 maybe answer an e-mail? No, thanks. 453 00:20:35,976 --> 00:20:37,309 Okay. 454 00:20:37,393 --> 00:20:39,643 Well, I need you to middle tonight. 455 00:20:42,476 --> 00:20:44,476 What are you talking about? I thought we had a nice flow. 456 00:20:44,559 --> 00:20:46,059 We're gonna try something new. 457 00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,976 Okay. Hey, Pete, are you comfortable headlining tonight? 458 00:20:50,685 --> 00:20:53,142 -Uh, yeah, I can do 45. -Okay. 459 00:20:53,226 --> 00:20:55,685 What the fuck are you talking about? 460 00:20:56,309 --> 00:20:58,518 We received complaints about your set, okay? 461 00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:01,226 -Comment cards? -No. Yelp. 462 00:21:02,351 --> 00:21:03,976 -Yelp. -Yes, Yelp. 463 00:21:04,059 --> 00:21:05,935 We dropped a full half-star in one night. 464 00:21:06,017 --> 00:21:08,726 We take that very, very seriously. 465 00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,810 Yelp. Really? 466 00:21:10,893 --> 00:21:12,476 You dropped half a star 467 00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:15,518 and you're gonna give these fucking jerk-offs the power? 468 00:21:15,601 --> 00:21:17,101 If somebody's a pussy, fuck 'em! 469 00:21:17,184 --> 00:21:19,101 Honestly, you should just be happy we're keeping you 470 00:21:19,184 --> 00:21:21,726 on the show at all, if you can tone it down. 471 00:21:23,685 --> 00:21:25,810 If I can tone it-- Did you see that room? 472 00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:27,184 Who do you think packed that room? 473 00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:28,851 We papered the house. 474 00:21:30,226 --> 00:21:33,059 That was our mailing list. We gave them free tickets. 475 00:21:35,643 --> 00:21:37,685 This is... This is bullshit. This... 476 00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:39,768 This is bullshit. 477 00:21:41,476 --> 00:21:44,142 -Pete: Jay... -Uh-huh. No, yeah. 478 00:21:44,226 --> 00:21:46,559 Well, it is in the system under "open food." 479 00:21:47,309 --> 00:21:48,393 Hold on. Yes? 480 00:21:49,059 --> 00:21:51,810 Um, I was just wondering if maybe I should headline. 481 00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,559 'Cause, uh, I'm not trying to, like, overstep my boundaries. 482 00:21:54,643 --> 00:21:56,768 It's just that I have more credits, 483 00:21:56,851 --> 00:22:00,309 and, you know, I didn't get complaints. 484 00:22:00,393 --> 00:22:01,768 -(laughs) So... -Yeah. 485 00:22:01,851 --> 00:22:05,309 Actually, the owner did have some suggestions for you. 486 00:22:05,393 --> 00:22:07,309 Oh, really? 487 00:22:07,393 --> 00:22:09,601 Wa-Was he here? 488 00:22:09,685 --> 00:22:12,768 -He watches on a livestream from Florida, so... -Oh. 489 00:22:12,851 --> 00:22:15,351 Mainly, just the global note is just 490 00:22:15,434 --> 00:22:17,518 have more enthusiasm overall. 491 00:22:17,601 --> 00:22:20,184 Have fun with it, you know, smile more. Right? 492 00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:21,643 -Smile more? -Yeah. 493 00:22:21,726 --> 00:22:24,101 (laughing): Oh! Just did it. 494 00:22:24,184 --> 00:22:26,184 I just feel like right now, it feels like you're pretending 495 00:22:26,267 --> 00:22:27,685 to want to read the announcements, 496 00:22:27,768 --> 00:22:29,851 and I want you to want to read the announcements. 497 00:22:29,935 --> 00:22:32,559 -Right. Oh, okay, yeah. -You know, you're excited about saying them. 498 00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:35,059 Great. Good luck, everyone. Have a good show. 499 00:22:35,142 --> 00:22:37,434 -Thanks. -Thank you. 500 00:22:37,976 --> 00:22:40,017 Smile more. 501 00:22:40,101 --> 00:22:41,434 Cool. 502 00:22:43,059 --> 00:22:44,184 I'm sorry, Al. 503 00:22:44,267 --> 00:22:48,017 And I thought you smiled just the right amount. 504 00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:49,685 Jason: It's code, sweetheart. 505 00:22:49,768 --> 00:22:52,351 It means they want a bubbly chick to open the show. 506 00:22:52,434 --> 00:22:53,518 It's tits and teeth. 507 00:22:53,601 --> 00:22:57,017 Dude, you just got demoted to middle. 508 00:22:57,101 --> 00:22:58,393 How are you lecturing me? 509 00:22:58,476 --> 00:23:00,810 Tits and teeth, that's all you are. 510 00:23:03,184 --> 00:23:05,184 -(laughter) -Um, two drink specials tonight. 511 00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:09,685 We've got the Chuckle Shackery and the Jack and Joke. 512 00:23:09,768 --> 00:23:11,351 It's, uh... Yeah. 513 00:23:11,434 --> 00:23:13,393 And, uh, for an extra ten dollars, 514 00:23:13,476 --> 00:23:15,810 you can get it served to you in a laugh carafe. 515 00:23:15,893 --> 00:23:18,351 You should definitely do that if you're utter trash. 516 00:23:18,434 --> 00:23:20,267 (laughter) 517 00:23:21,142 --> 00:23:23,976 All right. Well, now that I only have three minutes left, 518 00:23:24,059 --> 00:23:25,893 I guess I'll start my set. 519 00:23:25,976 --> 00:23:28,726 I'm eating into the time as I speak. 520 00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:30,309 Um... 521 00:23:31,309 --> 00:23:34,017 You know, I think I'm gonna do some new material tonight. 522 00:23:34,101 --> 00:23:37,309 -(cheers, applause) -How do you guys feel about that? 523 00:23:39,935 --> 00:23:41,643 I just have to say... 524 00:23:41,726 --> 00:23:43,017 I don't get these idiots 525 00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:45,976 who don't understand the concept of consent. 526 00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:49,685 They're like, "I have to ask if she wants a dick in her? 527 00:23:49,768 --> 00:23:53,976 Wait, what? That's gonna totally throw off my momentum." 528 00:23:54,059 --> 00:23:55,434 (laughter) 529 00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:57,309 You ask questions all goddamn day. 530 00:23:57,393 --> 00:23:59,267 You go to McDonald's, you say, "Hi. 531 00:23:59,351 --> 00:24:00,810 "I don't want pickles on my burger. 532 00:24:00,893 --> 00:24:03,309 Can I make sure that there are no pickles on my burger?" 533 00:24:03,393 --> 00:24:05,559 It shouldn't be daunting to say to a woman, 534 00:24:05,643 --> 00:24:07,935 "Hey, can I put my pickle in your burger?" 535 00:24:08,017 --> 00:24:09,601 (laughter) 536 00:24:09,685 --> 00:24:11,434 She's torpedoing my act. 537 00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:12,935 Ali: Women love questions. 538 00:24:13,017 --> 00:24:15,810 -Right? They love them. -(applause) 539 00:24:15,893 --> 00:24:17,726 I get off on questions. 540 00:24:17,810 --> 00:24:20,768 "Can I take you to dinner?" (moans) You know? 541 00:24:20,851 --> 00:24:24,226 "Do you wanna meet my parents?" "Yes!" You know? 542 00:24:24,309 --> 00:24:27,393 "Can I fuck you?" (moans) "Now you can!" 543 00:24:30,393 --> 00:24:32,267 Guys, this has been such a treat. 544 00:24:32,351 --> 00:24:34,851 I'm gonna bring up your middle for the evening. 545 00:24:34,935 --> 00:24:38,184 -Are you guys ready for your middle? -(cheers, applause) 546 00:24:38,267 --> 00:24:39,643 Oh, my God. That's so wonderful. 547 00:24:39,726 --> 00:24:43,226 You're gonna love him. He is a delight and a half. 548 00:24:43,309 --> 00:24:45,184 Give it up for Jason Webber. 549 00:24:45,267 --> 00:24:47,059 (cheers and applause) 550 00:24:54,935 --> 00:24:56,726 What's up, fuckers? 551 00:24:57,434 --> 00:24:59,184 How about a hand for Ali Reissen? 552 00:24:59,267 --> 00:25:02,017 Or maybe a fist, that'll loosen her up. 553 00:25:02,101 --> 00:25:04,601 -(scattered laughter) -(woman groans) 554 00:25:04,685 --> 00:25:06,685 Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! (chuckles) 555 00:25:06,768 --> 00:25:07,893 Anyway, um... 556 00:25:07,976 --> 00:25:11,267 You know, listen. Consent, you know. 557 00:25:11,351 --> 00:25:14,184 She's-- "Oh, consent is so easy. We all get it." 558 00:25:14,267 --> 00:25:17,685 I don't know, you know? I'm not sure we all do get it. 559 00:25:17,768 --> 00:25:21,935 Right? I mean, it used to be you got it, you know? I mean... 560 00:25:22,017 --> 00:25:25,017 Is there anything more creepy than asking a girl to kiss her? 561 00:25:25,101 --> 00:25:28,559 -"Hey, do you mind if I put these on-on..." -(murmurs) 562 00:25:28,643 --> 00:25:31,017 You know? And how we gonna make sex happen? 563 00:25:31,101 --> 00:25:32,476 Now you gotta ask outright, 564 00:25:32,559 --> 00:25:34,142 "Hey, do you mind if I put it in? 565 00:25:34,226 --> 00:25:38,685 "Hey, Sweet Pea, are we gonna do it missionary or dog-style?" 566 00:25:38,768 --> 00:25:40,559 (scattered laughter) 567 00:25:40,643 --> 00:25:42,976 "Hey, do you mind if I insert?" 568 00:25:43,059 --> 00:25:44,851 -(grunts) -(audience silence) 569 00:25:44,935 --> 00:25:47,893 "Do you mind if I insert this?" I mean... 570 00:25:47,976 --> 00:25:51,226 And then her-- And then once you get it in, it's like, 571 00:25:51,309 --> 00:25:53,059 "Do you mind if I take it out?" 572 00:25:53,142 --> 00:25:54,559 And what about it when I put it in? 573 00:25:54,643 --> 00:25:56,226 Do you-- You know, what do I do here? 574 00:25:56,309 --> 00:25:58,226 -And, huh? I'm... -(silence) 575 00:25:58,309 --> 00:26:00,101 "I'm about to-to..." and then, you know, like, 576 00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:03,309 "Where do I arc the load?" You know? I mean... 577 00:26:03,393 --> 00:26:05,893 "Is it okay on your back? Should I just-- 578 00:26:05,976 --> 00:26:08,893 What if it hits you in the foot, you know? You gonna sue me?" 579 00:26:08,976 --> 00:26:11,518 -Huh. -(silence) 580 00:26:13,810 --> 00:26:16,142 -(Jason clears throat) -(audience murmurs) 581 00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:18,351 Um... 582 00:26:19,476 --> 00:26:21,643 (panting): A female friend of mine... 583 00:26:23,184 --> 00:26:27,601 Female friend of mine goes to Mexico to get, uh, 584 00:26:27,685 --> 00:26:30,768 get knock-off birth control because it's cheaper. 585 00:26:30,851 --> 00:26:32,101 (clears throat) 586 00:26:32,184 --> 00:26:35,976 Do we really think that's a good idea? 587 00:26:36,059 --> 00:26:37,685 I mean... 588 00:26:37,768 --> 00:26:40,768 there are a lot of Mexicans. 589 00:26:40,851 --> 00:26:43,768 Ali (over TV): ...love him, I promise. Give it up for Pete Holmes! 590 00:26:43,851 --> 00:26:45,559 (cheers and applause) 591 00:26:45,643 --> 00:26:48,810 (rock music playing) 592 00:26:48,893 --> 00:26:51,267 -Hey. -Hey. 593 00:26:51,351 --> 00:26:54,393 -Here you go. -Hey, just the person I wanted to see! 594 00:26:54,476 --> 00:26:57,184 -Do you need anything else? -Did you see those dipshits out there? 595 00:26:57,267 --> 00:27:00,851 -Yeah, that was rough. I'm really sorry. -Oh! 596 00:27:00,935 --> 00:27:03,434 Anyway, do you have-- Did you get a shot as well? 597 00:27:03,518 --> 00:27:06,101 Um, no, that's okay. I'm good. Thanks, though. 598 00:27:06,184 --> 00:27:08,309 Come on. It's a tradition. 599 00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:09,810 You know, I mean, you're the only one 600 00:27:09,893 --> 00:27:12,351 that seems to be any fun around here anyway. 601 00:27:12,434 --> 00:27:14,893 -Um, no, thank you. -All right. 602 00:27:16,393 --> 00:27:19,059 On the clock. I get it. 603 00:27:20,184 --> 00:27:22,393 (Pete speaking indistinctly over TV) 604 00:27:34,059 --> 00:27:35,810 Hey, Deborah, listen. 605 00:27:35,893 --> 00:27:37,976 I'm at the Club Condo right up the street. 606 00:27:38,059 --> 00:27:41,267 If memory serves, they got a bottle of tequila back there. 607 00:27:41,351 --> 00:27:44,643 I think it's even the good stuff, might be a gold of sorts. 608 00:27:44,726 --> 00:27:47,851 I, uh, um... I was thinking, um... 609 00:27:48,726 --> 00:27:50,601 You, me, you know. 610 00:27:51,226 --> 00:27:54,726 Uh, sorry. Do you need anything else from me? 611 00:27:55,393 --> 00:27:56,976 No, no. I'm-- I'm not working. 612 00:27:57,059 --> 00:27:58,935 I'm off tomorrow, which means you're off tomorrow, 613 00:27:59,017 --> 00:28:02,434 -which means we could really-- -Dude. Come on. Stop. 614 00:28:02,518 --> 00:28:04,142 (scoffs) What? What do you mean? 615 00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:05,935 Come on. You know. 616 00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,935 Did you see that fucking crowd tonight? 617 00:28:08,017 --> 00:28:10,976 What, are we supposed to walk into the night alone? 618 00:28:11,059 --> 00:28:12,768 You know, I saw your lower-back tattoo. 619 00:28:12,851 --> 00:28:15,935 -I know what you like, dirty girl. Come here. -Dude! 620 00:28:16,017 --> 00:28:18,184 Wake the fuck up, okay? 621 00:28:18,267 --> 00:28:20,393 God, that kind of shit? That's so over. 622 00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:23,017 -Jesus. -Okay, we got some wires crossed. 623 00:28:23,101 --> 00:28:25,935 No, fuck you! Fuck you! 624 00:28:26,017 --> 00:28:28,226 Do you know what the worst fucking job in this whole club is? 625 00:28:28,309 --> 00:28:30,101 It's working the fucking green room, 626 00:28:30,184 --> 00:28:33,559 because you guys think that we all want to talk to you, and we don't! 627 00:28:33,643 --> 00:28:35,267 -We really don't. -All right, okay. 628 00:28:35,351 --> 00:28:38,226 So just leave me alone and let me do my fucking job. 629 00:28:38,309 --> 00:28:40,059 -Okay? -I hear ya. All right? 630 00:28:40,142 --> 00:28:43,059 I apolo... Look, don't tell Gavin, would ya? 631 00:28:43,142 --> 00:28:46,184 Because, you know, I gotta work this club. This is how I make a living. 632 00:28:46,267 --> 00:28:49,101 -Besides, you hit on me in the first place. -Oh, come on. 633 00:28:50,768 --> 00:28:52,976 -This fucking... -(door slams) 634 00:28:57,309 --> 00:28:59,142 Pete (on TV): ...get too comfortable swearing. 635 00:28:59,226 --> 00:29:02,518 Recently told my doctor, I don't fuck with cheese. 636 00:29:02,601 --> 00:29:04,518 (audience laughing) 637 00:29:06,142 --> 00:29:08,309 (crickets chirring) 638 00:29:12,184 --> 00:29:13,518 Pete: Hey. 639 00:29:15,726 --> 00:29:18,017 Do you, uh, you wanna go? 640 00:29:19,559 --> 00:29:22,393 -Yeah. -You okay? 641 00:29:26,768 --> 00:29:28,935 Fuck... No. 642 00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:32,267 -I-I... -It's just one weekend, Jay. 643 00:29:32,351 --> 00:29:34,810 -It doesn't matter. -You know they cut my pay? 644 00:29:34,893 --> 00:29:37,309 They paid me as the middle act both nights. 645 00:29:38,685 --> 00:29:39,851 I'm sorry. 646 00:29:39,935 --> 00:29:41,601 (laughing): Okay. 647 00:29:41,685 --> 00:29:42,768 (clears throat) 648 00:29:42,851 --> 00:29:44,434 This shit used to be fun, Pete. 649 00:29:44,518 --> 00:29:46,810 It used to be... It used to be dangerous. 650 00:29:46,893 --> 00:29:50,017 What do you think Bill Hicks would do if some broad complains? 651 00:29:50,101 --> 00:29:53,476 He'd give a fuck? He'd flick a cigarette at her tits. 652 00:29:53,559 --> 00:29:55,976 -Well... -No! It's like, if I were a fucking-- 653 00:29:56,059 --> 00:29:58,768 If I were a biracial lesbian doing the same material, 654 00:29:58,851 --> 00:30:00,226 that crowd would have carried me around. 655 00:30:00,309 --> 00:30:01,685 They would've had a parade for me. 656 00:30:01,768 --> 00:30:03,434 It's a shitty time to be a straight white guy, Pete. 657 00:30:03,518 --> 00:30:07,768 -Oh, my fucking God. -Oh, look who it is. Samantha Bee, everybody. 658 00:30:07,851 --> 00:30:10,351 -I mean, really, dude? -Really. 659 00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:14,434 Come on, man. It's a hard time to be a white guy? 660 00:30:15,226 --> 00:30:17,559 Have a little accountability, okay? 661 00:30:17,643 --> 00:30:18,976 You're not the victim. 662 00:30:19,059 --> 00:30:20,643 And just because you're up there 663 00:30:20,726 --> 00:30:23,643 pacing around and wearing a leather jacket, 664 00:30:23,726 --> 00:30:25,393 doesn't mean you're telling it like it is. 665 00:30:25,476 --> 00:30:27,810 Who gives a fuck what you think? I like leather, okay? 666 00:30:27,893 --> 00:30:29,643 -Jay... -And I'll tell you something else. 667 00:30:29,726 --> 00:30:32,101 You burnt my fucking premises. You don't do that to another comic. 668 00:30:32,184 --> 00:30:36,017 Okay, well, a comic does comedy. 669 00:30:36,101 --> 00:30:39,893 What you did was-- hmm, let me think... hate speech? 670 00:30:39,976 --> 00:30:43,851 Let me tell you something. When we wake up from all this PC bullshit, 671 00:30:43,935 --> 00:30:45,643 we'll see what it looks like for you then, 672 00:30:45,726 --> 00:30:49,059 you fucking Nescafe, chamomile-sipping cunt. 673 00:30:49,142 --> 00:30:51,601 You know what, Jason? You're a cunt. 674 00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:55,643 I am sorry that you've been doing comedy for 15 fucking years 675 00:30:55,726 --> 00:30:58,601 and all you have to show for it is managing The Boston. 676 00:30:58,685 --> 00:31:01,518 Twenty-two years! 677 00:31:01,601 --> 00:31:03,101 Twenty-two! 678 00:31:10,643 --> 00:31:13,226 Okay, um... 679 00:31:13,309 --> 00:31:15,559 I think my Uber's here, 680 00:31:15,643 --> 00:31:17,142 so I'm gonna... 681 00:31:18,768 --> 00:31:20,142 See ya, Pete. 682 00:31:30,393 --> 00:31:32,309 Ah, look, you know... 683 00:31:32,393 --> 00:31:34,101 It's gonna be fine. 684 00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:37,976 Name of the game, right? I mean... 685 00:31:38,059 --> 00:31:41,226 You come out to a club, it doesn't always go your way. 686 00:31:41,309 --> 00:31:42,726 You take a little slap on the wrist. 687 00:31:42,810 --> 00:31:45,142 You clean it up for a couple of months. 688 00:31:46,476 --> 00:31:48,810 You're right back in the game. 689 00:31:49,976 --> 00:31:51,518 (sighs) 690 00:31:51,601 --> 00:31:53,393 (exhales, grunts) 691 00:31:53,476 --> 00:31:57,184 All right, you're driving. Middle. Middle drives, baby. 692 00:31:57,267 --> 00:31:58,768 Grab your bag. 693 00:32:03,226 --> 00:32:07,184 (heavy metal music blaring over car stereo) 694 00:32:14,685 --> 00:32:17,518 (volume decreases) 695 00:32:21,685 --> 00:32:24,017 (volume increases) 696 00:32:24,101 --> 00:32:28,309 (heavy metal music blaring) 697 00:32:31,643 --> 00:32:34,518 Pete: Wow, thank you guys so much. How are you guys doing? 698 00:32:34,601 --> 00:32:37,559 -(loud cheering) -Wow. God is good! 699 00:32:37,643 --> 00:32:39,893 -Audience: All the time! -All the time? 700 00:32:39,976 --> 00:32:41,518 -Audience: God is good! -That's right! 701 00:32:41,601 --> 00:32:43,935 Clap for yourselves, everybody. It's wonderful to be here. 702 00:32:44,017 --> 00:32:46,017 -(cheers, applause) -(gospel music playing) 703 00:32:46,101 --> 00:32:48,851 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 704 00:32:48,935 --> 00:32:51,685 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 705 00:32:51,768 --> 00:32:57,559 ♪ My soul looks back and wonder how I got over ♪ 706 00:32:57,643 --> 00:33:00,726 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 707 00:33:00,810 --> 00:33:03,685 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 708 00:33:03,768 --> 00:33:09,893 ♪ My soul looks back and wonder how I got over ♪ 709 00:33:09,976 --> 00:33:13,059 -♪Just as soon as I see Jesus ♪ -♪ Oh yeah ♪ 710 00:33:13,142 --> 00:33:15,851 -♪ The man who made me free ♪ -♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ 711 00:33:15,935 --> 00:33:19,184 -♪ He was the man that bled and suffered ♪ -♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ 712 00:33:19,267 --> 00:33:21,685 -♪ Who died for you and for me ♪ -♪ Oh yeah ♪ 713 00:33:21,768 --> 00:33:25,101 ♪ I want to thank him because he brought me ♪ 714 00:33:25,184 --> 00:33:26,518 ♪ I want to thank him ♪ 715 00:33:26,601 --> 00:33:28,017 ♪ Because he taught me ♪ 716 00:33:28,101 --> 00:33:29,518 ♪ I want to thank God ♪ 717 00:33:29,601 --> 00:33:30,935 ♪ Because he kept me ♪ 718 00:33:31,017 --> 00:33:32,434 ♪ I'm gonna pray to God ♪ 719 00:33:32,518 --> 00:33:33,601 ♪ He never left me ♪ 720 00:33:33,685 --> 00:33:36,685 -♪ I want to sing ♪ -♪ Hallelujah ♪ 721 00:33:36,768 --> 00:33:39,893 -♪ I might shout this evening ♪ -♪ Troubles over ♪ 722 00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:42,017 ♪ I'm gonna thank Jesus ♪ 723 00:33:42,101 --> 00:33:44,059 ♪ For all he's done for me ♪ 724 00:33:44,851 --> 00:33:46,059 ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 725 00:33:46,142 --> 00:33:49,059 -♪ How I got ♪ -♪ Over ♪ 726 00:33:49,142 --> 00:33:52,226 -♪ Over! ♪ -♪ Over! ♪ 52370

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