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1
00:00:01,226 --> 00:00:03,434
-Hey.
-Whoa! Petey.
2
00:00:03,518 --> 00:00:04,893
-What's going on?
-What's up, buddy?
3
00:00:04,976 --> 00:00:07,226
-Bac from the-- back from
the college tour, right?
-Yeah!
4
00:00:07,309 --> 00:00:09,226
Hey. I'm, uh-- I'm back.
5
00:00:09,601 --> 00:00:10,768
I don't care.
6
00:00:11,434 --> 00:00:12,393
ALI: My boyfriend and I,
7
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:15,101
we just took our relationship
to the next level.
8
00:00:15,184 --> 00:00:16,017
We broke up.
9
00:00:16,351 --> 00:00:17,643
JASON: Women, you don't have
to shave entirely.
10
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,142
Otherwise, it just feels
like another part of the thigh.
11
00:00:20,226 --> 00:00:21,851
If I'm going
into a rough neighborhood,
12
00:00:21,935 --> 00:00:23,476
-I wanna know it.
-Oh, boy.
13
00:00:23,559 --> 00:00:24,810
-Hey, hey.
-Yeah?
14
00:00:24,893 --> 00:00:27,101
I think women are f-- funny.
15
00:00:27,184 --> 00:00:28,351
Spread the word.
16
00:00:28,434 --> 00:00:29,393
What am I doing wrong?
17
00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:32,184
No one in here knows that you
are the next Kevin Hart.
18
00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:33,559
I'm not the next Kevin Hart.
19
00:00:33,643 --> 00:00:35,601
Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.
We have a Kevin Hart.
20
00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:37,518
He's... perfect for the part.
21
00:00:38,017 --> 00:00:40,142
I'm just a... I'm a club guy.
22
00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:55,768
Shouldn't we hustle?
23
00:00:55,851 --> 00:00:57,434
Show's at eight.
There might be traffic.
24
00:00:57,518 --> 00:01:00,142
Easy, Pete.
There's no show without us.
25
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:01,893
That starts
on the way down, baby.
26
00:01:01,976 --> 00:01:03,559
It's an attitude.
You gotta...
27
00:01:03,643 --> 00:01:05,726
You gotta own
this thing, you know?
28
00:01:05,810 --> 00:01:07,226
Pete...
29
00:01:07,309 --> 00:01:08,976
the middle act drives.
30
00:01:09,059 --> 00:01:11,393
Didn't I tell you that?
The middle act drives, baby.
31
00:01:11,476 --> 00:01:13,601
-Come on.
-Okay.
32
00:01:13,685 --> 00:01:16,393
When I was starting out,
I drove Jay Mohr.
33
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:19,768
Had to listen
to "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
17 times.
34
00:01:19,851 --> 00:01:21,434
The guy was obsessed.
35
00:01:21,518 --> 00:01:23,726
Never let them
see you sweat, Petey.
36
00:01:23,810 --> 00:01:25,559
You're gonna be doing
this for years.
37
00:01:25,643 --> 00:01:27,601
You gotta learn
to relax a little bit.
38
00:01:27,685 --> 00:01:29,309
Yeah, yeah. No, I...
39
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:31,309
I wasn't really sure
what to do next,
40
00:01:31,393 --> 00:01:33,685
but I'm kind of saying
yes to everything.
41
00:01:33,768 --> 00:01:35,434
That's good, man.
That's what you gotta do.
42
00:01:35,518 --> 00:01:37,685
You gotta get up
when you can get up.
You gotta grind it.
43
00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:40,017
That's my thinking.
I'm even, you know,
44
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:43,685
sort of considering doing
this, um, Christian tour.
45
00:01:44,518 --> 00:01:46,518
I mean, it's not...
it's not a certain thing.
46
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,434
They just-- I did
a show at a temple.
47
00:01:48,518 --> 00:01:50,685
A woman said, "I think you'd be
good for the religious market,"
48
00:01:50,768 --> 00:01:53,518
-so I have an offer, but...
-Fuck that!
49
00:01:54,976 --> 00:01:56,685
Pete, I meant--
50
00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:58,851
When I said everything,
I didn't mean everything.
51
00:01:58,935 --> 00:02:00,101
I mean real comedy.
52
00:02:00,184 --> 00:02:03,226
Real. Not some fucking
whacked-out Jesus shit.
53
00:02:03,309 --> 00:02:04,976
Right.
54
00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:07,476
Yeah, no. I'm not sure
I'm gonna do it, either.
55
00:02:07,559 --> 00:02:08,893
Good.
56
00:02:09,810 --> 00:02:11,309
You gonna buckle up?
57
00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,768
(sighs)
58
00:02:13,851 --> 00:02:16,768
You know,
the statistics are in.
59
00:02:17,768 --> 00:02:18,810
Come on.
60
00:02:18,893 --> 00:02:22,726
(heavy metal blaring on stereo)
61
00:02:23,851 --> 00:02:25,559
Let's roll, Petey!
62
00:02:33,518 --> 00:02:38,142
♪ Can the pestilence
within you be bled out? ♪
63
00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:43,434
♪ May I have the honor
of this amputation? ♪
64
00:02:43,518 --> 00:02:45,726
♪ Know that you have made
an enemy ♪
65
00:02:45,810 --> 00:02:48,685
♪ To show you
the meaning of indignity ♪
66
00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:52,851
♪ I live now solely
for the pleasure
of your slow decay ♪
67
00:02:52,935 --> 00:02:55,851
-(music stops)
-Jason: Oh! Hi-yah!
68
00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:58,059
Whoa. Whoa.
69
00:02:59,226 --> 00:03:01,017
This is it?
70
00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,184
This is it.
71
00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:03,976
What do you mean,
"This is it?"
72
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,184
You never stayed
at the Comedy Club
condo before?
73
00:03:06,267 --> 00:03:07,559
No.
74
00:03:07,643 --> 00:03:10,601
Is this your first club weekend,
your first full weekend?
75
00:03:10,685 --> 00:03:13,267
Yeah, I've only done
one-nighters, colleges.
76
00:03:13,351 --> 00:03:15,184
You are gonna
love this here, man.
77
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:17,976
This is not like the city,
where they have a bunch
of entertainment options
78
00:03:18,059 --> 00:03:19,851
and nobody really cares
that you're there.
79
00:03:19,935 --> 00:03:23,142
Here, they're grateful
you just showed up.
80
00:03:24,101 --> 00:03:26,351
Get ready, baby.
This is it.
81
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,059
Do you like
waitresses, Pete?
82
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:31,976
Uh, yeah, I like when
they call me "Hon." That's fun.
83
00:03:32,059 --> 00:03:33,726
What the hell are you
talking about, Pete?
84
00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:36,476
Why would you ever get
into comedy if you don't
want to bang waitresses?
85
00:03:39,059 --> 00:03:41,685
Wow. It's like
an assassin's hideout.
86
00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:45,226
This is a hot scene, baby.
I've got good memories here,
believe me.
87
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,935
-Look who it is.
-Ali: Ah!
88
00:03:48,017 --> 00:03:51,643
-Al. Hey.
-Hey.
89
00:03:52,559 --> 00:03:55,059
What are you--
Are you working
this weekend?
90
00:03:55,142 --> 00:03:56,434
Yeah.
91
00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:58,685
I mean, yeah,
I just saw the lineup.
92
00:03:58,768 --> 00:04:02,810
-We could have,
you know, come up together.
-Yeah, I wish I had known.
93
00:04:02,893 --> 00:04:05,559
Hey, guys, let's get some
ground rules down, huh?
Road shit.
94
00:04:05,643 --> 00:04:08,476
I sleep all day,
so keep it down
before four p.m.,
95
00:04:08,559 --> 00:04:10,184
unless, of course,
I'm still sleeping.
96
00:04:10,267 --> 00:04:13,643
Also, if you eat
some of my food,
I will eat all of your food.
97
00:04:13,726 --> 00:04:16,976
That is the Chicago way.
Connery, Untouchables .
98
00:04:17,059 --> 00:04:18,726
I'm gonna go take a nap.
99
00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:22,476
If you hear any noises,
I'm doing push-ups.
100
00:04:22,559 --> 00:04:24,768
(as Andrew Dice Clay): Oh!
101
00:04:24,851 --> 00:04:26,935
(both laugh)
102
00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,518
Wow.
103
00:04:29,559 --> 00:04:33,142
-That, uh, that must
have been a fun commute.
-Yeah.
104
00:04:33,226 --> 00:04:35,267
Did he bring a book
of CDs with him?
105
00:04:35,726 --> 00:04:39,184
No, but he did think
Spotify is a laundry app.
106
00:04:39,518 --> 00:04:41,351
Who--
107
00:04:41,434 --> 00:04:43,976
-I don't know.
-So many feelings,
so many thoughts.
108
00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:46,351
-Yeah.
-(sighs)
109
00:04:49,017 --> 00:04:53,309
I'm surprised to, you know,
see you in deep Jersey.
110
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,476
Yeah, I, um...
111
00:04:55,559 --> 00:04:59,851
-I'm still running that,
that late-night set.
-Oh, right.
112
00:04:59,935 --> 00:05:03,601
Yeah, I was working on it
in the city, but I just
113
00:05:03,685 --> 00:05:06,559
kind of felt like I needed
to get a new read on it.
114
00:05:06,643 --> 00:05:08,226
-Oh, absolutely.
-Yeah.
115
00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:11,142
-You gotta make sure it works
for, you know, real people.
-Yeah.
116
00:05:11,226 --> 00:05:13,643
-Uh, how are you?
-I'm good.
117
00:05:13,726 --> 00:05:15,518
Good, good, good.
118
00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:18,518
I started, um...
I'm actually dating
somebody now,
119
00:05:18,601 --> 00:05:20,643
so that's...
that's nice.
120
00:05:20,726 --> 00:05:22,643
-Cool.
-Very nice.
121
00:05:22,726 --> 00:05:25,893
Yeah. Kat,
her name's Kat. Kitty.
122
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,559
-How's it going?
-It's great.
123
00:05:29,643 --> 00:05:31,476
-Yeah?
-Yeah, it's going
really great.
124
00:05:31,559 --> 00:05:34,810
It's actually going so well,
the only thing I worry about
is how well it's going.
125
00:05:34,893 --> 00:05:36,434
(chuckles)
126
00:05:36,518 --> 00:05:40,184
-Glad you could still find
a way to worry about it.
-Oh yeah.
127
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:42,518
-(Ali laughs)
-That's my specialty.
128
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:45,393
-I'm like
Anxiety MacGyver.
-Mm.
129
00:05:45,476 --> 00:05:48,184
I can make a bomb
out of even a good thing.
130
00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:50,184
Mm-hmm.
131
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,851
Oh! Fun fact.
132
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:54,685
There's a lot of cheese
in the fridge.
133
00:05:54,768 --> 00:05:58,810
Like, whoever was here before
just left all the cheese.
134
00:05:58,893 --> 00:06:00,351
Great, I'm starving.
135
00:06:00,434 --> 00:06:02,476
(laughs)
Are you seriously
gonna eat the cheese?
136
00:06:02,559 --> 00:06:05,101
-No!
-(laughing):
I really thought you were!
137
00:06:05,184 --> 00:06:08,685
I do not want to eat
Pablo Francisco's cheese.
138
00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:11,935
(pop music playing over PA)
139
00:06:23,142 --> 00:06:24,476
You know they got
a go-kart track
140
00:06:24,559 --> 00:06:26,810
on the second floor
of this mall, Pete?
141
00:06:26,893 --> 00:06:27,976
Maybe we'll go.
142
00:06:28,059 --> 00:06:30,184
-Can I help you?
-What's up, man?
143
00:06:30,976 --> 00:06:33,726
-Can I help you?
-Yeah, sure. I'm the headliner.
144
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,142
I, uh, I'm the guy.
145
00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:38,351
Okay, what's your name?
146
00:06:40,142 --> 00:06:42,559
Serious? My-- Jason Webber,
I'm on the marquee.
147
00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:45,142
I got a big fucking poster
out front.
148
00:06:45,226 --> 00:06:47,768
I have Jason Webber
at the front entrance.
149
00:06:47,851 --> 00:06:49,434
Have you seen the poster?
150
00:06:49,518 --> 00:06:51,851
Let me do
the poster for him.
151
00:06:51,935 --> 00:06:53,101
Ali:
Mm.
152
00:06:54,476 --> 00:06:56,059
That's the face
he does on his poster.
153
00:06:56,142 --> 00:06:57,768
-I do it right there
on the poster.
-Do it again.
154
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,434
-Watch this.
-Look at this.
155
00:06:59,518 --> 00:07:00,643
That's-- See?
156
00:07:00,726 --> 00:07:03,726
Sorry, man,
I'm not a comedy fan.
157
00:07:03,810 --> 00:07:06,101
-Follow me.
-(Pete sighs)
158
00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:07,601
Okay.
159
00:07:07,685 --> 00:07:10,267
(rock music playing)
160
00:07:10,351 --> 00:07:11,559
Here you go.
161
00:07:12,518 --> 00:07:14,685
Okay, okay.
162
00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,267
Nice.
163
00:07:17,351 --> 00:07:18,893
It smells
like leather.
164
00:07:18,976 --> 00:07:20,601
Hey. Hi.
Hello.
165
00:07:20,685 --> 00:07:23,309
-I'm Gavin.
I'm the club manager.
-Ali: Hey.
166
00:07:23,393 --> 00:07:26,351
Now, you met Steve.
Deborah's gonna be
taking care of you.
167
00:07:26,434 --> 00:07:27,893
What happened to Richie?
168
00:07:27,976 --> 00:07:29,976
Remember Richie?
Richie was a great guy.
169
00:07:30,059 --> 00:07:32,142
I'm sorry, I don't know Richie.
I don't have any idea
170
00:07:32,226 --> 00:07:34,393
what occurred here
before the club was acquired.
171
00:07:34,476 --> 00:07:36,643
The guy was a blast,
a lunatic, but a great guy.
172
00:07:36,726 --> 00:07:39,643
He used to keep his gun
on the desk when we settled up.
173
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,142
-Yeah, hold on.
-It was a bit.
174
00:07:41,226 --> 00:07:44,184
Uh-huh. No. Yeah.
175
00:07:44,267 --> 00:07:46,309
Right, it's a boneless wing.
176
00:07:46,393 --> 00:07:48,685
Right. But no,
it's a wing.
177
00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:51,393
Right, so if you're looking
for it alphabetically,
it'll be under W.
178
00:07:51,476 --> 00:07:54,351
Okay, I've got
the running order here.
179
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,851
-Ali, you're hosting.
It's ten.
-Yeah.
180
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,476
We need, you know,
big energy, bright.
181
00:07:59,559 --> 00:08:00,810
Okay. Yeah.
182
00:08:00,893 --> 00:08:02,726
I'm just running
a late-night set,
so that's fine.
183
00:08:02,810 --> 00:08:05,476
And here are the announcements.
Please read all of them.
184
00:08:05,559 --> 00:08:07,226
A lot of info on there:
social media,
185
00:08:07,309 --> 00:08:10,142
drink specials, upcoming events.
Even a couple jokes on there.
186
00:08:10,226 --> 00:08:12,976
Oh, you wrote...
You guys wrote jokes
for me to say?
187
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:14,685
Yeah, just to make it
easy on you.
188
00:08:14,768 --> 00:08:16,810
Oh, that's really helpful.
Thank you.
189
00:08:16,893 --> 00:08:18,601
Please read those verbatim.
They do work.
190
00:08:18,685 --> 00:08:19,976
Cool.
191
00:08:20,059 --> 00:08:21,559
-All right, Pete.
-Yes.
192
00:08:21,643 --> 00:08:23,976
-You're our middle.
You'll do 25.
-Right on.
193
00:08:24,059 --> 00:08:26,810
And you do 45.
Please keep to time.
194
00:08:26,893 --> 00:08:29,810
There's a red countdown
clock right at your feet.
You can't miss it.
195
00:08:29,893 --> 00:08:33,101
Not a problem.
45, tight as a drum,
wall-to-wall laughs.
196
00:08:33,184 --> 00:08:36,393
I'm not prepping
some late-night set
that nobody's gonna see.
197
00:08:39,601 --> 00:08:41,017
-Okay.
-Ali: Okay.
198
00:08:41,101 --> 00:08:42,351
(door closes)
199
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,434
Kid runs a tight ship.
200
00:08:44,518 --> 00:08:47,518
-Dude, what
the fuck was that?
-What?
201
00:08:47,601 --> 00:08:51,768
Are you that insecure
you have to tear me down
in front of the manager?
202
00:08:52,476 --> 00:08:53,810
Tear you...
203
00:08:53,893 --> 00:08:56,851
Oh, sorry, Ms. Seth Myers.
204
00:08:56,935 --> 00:08:59,351
You know, listen,
I wasn't talking about
205
00:08:59,434 --> 00:09:02,017
your set specifically.
I'm talking about all of it.
206
00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:04,476
-Mm.
-It's all bullshit.
207
00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:07,309
If you were doing
late-night, you wouldn't
think it was bullshit.
208
00:09:07,393 --> 00:09:10,309
Let me tell you something.
Late-night died with Letterman.
209
00:09:10,393 --> 00:09:12,476
Late-night sets are
now just YouTube videos
210
00:09:12,559 --> 00:09:15,226
with the Hyundai commercials
you can't fucking skip.
211
00:09:15,309 --> 00:09:18,059
That's what it is.
Nobody watches
this shit anymore.
212
00:09:18,142 --> 00:09:19,935
-Mm-hmm.
-There's a billion
fucking channels.
213
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:23,851
-Nobody sees it.
-Okay, all right.
Whatever.
214
00:09:23,935 --> 00:09:25,309
(scoffs)
215
00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:28,393
(scoffs)
216
00:09:28,476 --> 00:09:30,643
(whispers):
"Whatever."
217
00:09:31,810 --> 00:09:34,017
-(audience chattering)
-("Love Shack" melody playing)
218
00:09:34,101 --> 00:09:36,059
♪ The Chuckle Shack is... ♪
219
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,559
Announcer:
All right, Chuckle Shack.
220
00:09:38,643 --> 00:09:40,976
Are we ready
for a great show tonight?
221
00:09:41,059 --> 00:09:42,434
(cheering, whistling)
222
00:09:42,518 --> 00:09:45,851
Your host tonight is a very
funny and talented comedienne.
223
00:09:45,935 --> 00:09:48,393
Please give it up for
the lovely and talented
224
00:09:48,476 --> 00:09:50,935
Ali Reissen!
225
00:09:51,017 --> 00:09:53,142
(cheering)
226
00:09:58,017 --> 00:09:59,768
Hello. How are you guys?
227
00:09:59,851 --> 00:10:02,768
-(cheers)
-Yeah? Okay.
228
00:10:02,851 --> 00:10:05,935
-Clap it up for yourselves...
-(applause)
229
00:10:06,017 --> 00:10:08,101
...and these wonderful
high ceilings.
230
00:10:08,184 --> 00:10:10,893
It's so great to be here.
Oh, my God!
231
00:10:10,976 --> 00:10:14,434
I have to say, of all the clubs
I've done in New Jersey
232
00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:16,434
between a Chipotle and a Target,
233
00:10:16,518 --> 00:10:19,768
this is the one
I'm doing right now.
234
00:10:19,851 --> 00:10:22,059
(laughter)
235
00:10:22,142 --> 00:10:25,142
I was told I have to do
some of these announcements,
236
00:10:25,226 --> 00:10:26,976
so, um, here we go.
237
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:30,101
You can find the Chuckle Shack
on social media.
238
00:10:30,184 --> 00:10:32,976
-You guys have
social media? Yeah!
-Yeah!
239
00:10:33,059 --> 00:10:34,851
They are @TheChuckleShackComedy
240
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,810
on Twitter, on Facebook,
on Instagram, on Snapchat.
241
00:10:37,893 --> 00:10:39,810
Okay, it's shocking
they have a Snapchat.
242
00:10:39,893 --> 00:10:42,476
Um, every Sunday
this month at one p.m.
243
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,434
there's something called
Two-Milk Minimum.
244
00:10:45,518 --> 00:10:47,226
It's family friendly comedy.
245
00:10:47,309 --> 00:10:49,976
The show is so funny,
you'll laugh till you squirt...
246
00:10:50,059 --> 00:10:53,851
-(scattered laughter)
-...milk out of your nose.
247
00:10:53,935 --> 00:10:57,393
It's actually real.
That's actually written
here for me to say.
248
00:10:58,351 --> 00:11:02,643
All right, guys. Well,
it's so cool to be here.
249
00:11:02,726 --> 00:11:04,393
I actually have
some exciting news.
250
00:11:04,476 --> 00:11:07,393
I am doing stand-up
on television next week
251
00:11:07,476 --> 00:11:09,184
-on Seth Myers. Yeah.
-(cheering)
252
00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:11,726
Would it be okay
if I ran my set for you guys?
253
00:11:11,810 --> 00:11:15,518
-(cheers and applause)
-Okay, awesome.
I'm just gonna get into it.
254
00:11:15,601 --> 00:11:18,101
Okay, here we go.
I'm gonna do the whole...
255
00:11:18,976 --> 00:11:21,309
Hey, guys.
Great to be here.
256
00:11:21,393 --> 00:11:23,267
(cheers, applause)
257
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,643
Oh, my God.
My name is Ali,
258
00:11:27,726 --> 00:11:30,393
which is short for Allison.
259
00:11:30,476 --> 00:11:33,518
Allison sounds way more
sophisticated, right?
260
00:11:33,601 --> 00:11:36,851
Like, Allison could win
a Pulitzer Prize.
261
00:11:36,935 --> 00:11:38,976
Ali could win
a free Blooming Onion
262
00:11:39,059 --> 00:11:40,810
for taking a tit out
at Applebee's.
263
00:11:40,893 --> 00:11:44,017
You know what I mean?
It's a different...
264
00:11:44,101 --> 00:11:45,518
It's a different vibe.
265
00:11:45,601 --> 00:11:47,226
-(Ali continues over TV)
-(Pete laughing)
266
00:11:47,309 --> 00:11:48,810
Oh, stop.
267
00:11:48,893 --> 00:11:50,518
She's doing good.
268
00:11:50,601 --> 00:11:54,184
-If you're into
that, I guess.
-I am.
269
00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:57,142
Hey, guys. I'm Deborah.
270
00:11:57,226 --> 00:11:58,685
I'm gonna be
your server tonight.
271
00:11:58,768 --> 00:12:00,226
Can I get you
anything right now?
272
00:12:00,309 --> 00:12:05,559
Oh, yeah. Can I please have
the Cedric the Enchilada?
273
00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:07,726
Amazing.
And for you?
274
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,101
I'll have a couple
of Heinekens and a shot,
whiskey.
275
00:12:10,184 --> 00:12:11,726
-Okay.
-Pete, whiskey?
276
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:15,059
-No, I-- No.
-No?
277
00:12:15,142 --> 00:12:17,559
I... I got to go up.
278
00:12:17,643 --> 00:12:20,476
(scoffs)
I'm traveling
with Paddington Bear,
279
00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:21,726
I apologize.
Uh...
280
00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:23,267
Okay, so couple
of Heinekens and a shot.
281
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:24,810
Can I get you a shot?
Shot of whiskey?
282
00:12:24,893 --> 00:12:28,142
Oh, no, I can't drink
while I'm working the tablet.
283
00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:29,851
It starts to get all blurry.
284
00:12:30,351 --> 00:12:33,142
-Blurry tablet,
okay. Um...
-Yeah.
285
00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:35,017
-All right, I'll, uh--
-So a shot for you?
286
00:12:35,101 --> 00:12:36,226
Yeah, just a shot for me.
287
00:12:36,309 --> 00:12:37,434
-Okay, thanks.
-Yeah.
288
00:12:37,518 --> 00:12:39,768
Oh, if you could
chill it, please.
289
00:12:39,851 --> 00:12:42,184
-Perfect. Bye, guys.
-Thanks, Deborah.
290
00:12:43,685 --> 00:12:45,976
Ah...
291
00:12:46,059 --> 00:12:47,976
How 'bout that?
292
00:12:48,059 --> 00:12:50,184
Pays to be the headliner,
huh, Pete?
293
00:12:52,976 --> 00:12:53,935
(laughter)
294
00:12:54,017 --> 00:12:56,226
I don't like it.
I don't like the museum.
295
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,559
It's boring.
I don't want to go.
296
00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:01,935
When I'm at the museum,
I'm not looking at paintings
to appreciate them.
297
00:13:02,017 --> 00:13:08,101
I'm staring at the painting,
trying to figure out how long
is appropriate to look at it,
298
00:13:08,184 --> 00:13:10,810
so when I walk away, the other
people in the room aren't like,
299
00:13:10,893 --> 00:13:13,976
-"Well, he didn't
get it at all."
-(laughter)
300
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,351
So I make a real serious face.
I'm like, "Mm-mm.
301
00:13:16,434 --> 00:13:19,434
Look at the brush strokes.
Oh, yeah."
302
00:13:19,518 --> 00:13:22,851
But in my head I'm just like,
♪ Honey Nut Cheerios! ♪
303
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:24,351
(laughter)
304
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:27,559
♪ Have 'em for breakfast
or lunch, you decide! ♪
305
00:13:27,643 --> 00:13:29,059
It's not even a real song.
306
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,309
Give it up for Jason Webber!
307
00:13:32,393 --> 00:13:34,267
(cheering, applauding)
308
00:13:34,351 --> 00:13:37,017
(rock music playing)
309
00:13:43,935 --> 00:13:46,976
All right!
What's up, fucker?
310
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,518
-(cheering)
-I don't know. Listen.
311
00:13:49,601 --> 00:13:53,810
Sometimes stereotypes are just
kind of a reality, you know?
312
00:13:53,893 --> 00:13:58,351
So, that's not racism, you know?
It's pattern recognition.
313
00:13:58,434 --> 00:14:02,351
I mean, if you want to go see
a film in a quiet theater,
314
00:14:02,434 --> 00:14:06,810
steer clear of Harlem,
you know what I mean?
315
00:14:06,893 --> 00:14:09,017
We're all a little bit
racist, right?
316
00:14:09,101 --> 00:14:13,851
I mean, who hasn't walked
onto an airplane,
seen a Chinese pilot
317
00:14:13,935 --> 00:14:17,351
and thought,
"I'm gonna buckle up
a little bit tighter."
318
00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:20,351
-(scattered laughter)
-What do you want from me?
319
00:14:20,434 --> 00:14:23,893
I mean, I don't know how to be
a man sometimes, right?
320
00:14:23,976 --> 00:14:27,267
I mean, I'm not sure
how to approach a woman,
321
00:14:27,351 --> 00:14:29,351
how to approach a girl,
you know?
322
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:32,851
We live in a time where, uh,
you know, we're all on thin ice.
323
00:14:32,935 --> 00:14:34,768
I mean, I don't know--
I don't know how--
324
00:14:34,851 --> 00:14:36,518
What am I supposed
to say, right?
325
00:14:36,601 --> 00:14:39,434
I mean,
what's more creepy
326
00:14:39,518 --> 00:14:42,685
than asking a girl whether
or not you can kiss her?
327
00:14:42,768 --> 00:14:45,309
"Hey, do you mind
if I, um...
328
00:14:45,393 --> 00:14:47,601
-"I mean, I just wanna...
-(laughter)
329
00:14:47,685 --> 00:14:49,559
"I'd like to take this...
330
00:14:49,643 --> 00:14:52,601
"this one and this one
and... uhh, uhh.
331
00:14:52,685 --> 00:14:53,976
Could I... uhh!"
332
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,685
You know, "Do you mind
if I use tongue? Could you..."
333
00:14:56,768 --> 00:14:59,184
You know, I don't know
how to talk to a girl.
334
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:02,434
And how are we supposed
to get into actual sex?
335
00:15:02,518 --> 00:15:04,351
I mean, do you write out
a form and say,
336
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:07,059
"Hey, do you mind
if we, uh, do a little fucking?
337
00:15:07,142 --> 00:15:10,059
"Would you-- Is it okay
if I put it in missionary?
338
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,935
How about dog-style?"
339
00:15:12,017 --> 00:15:16,142
Do I say, "Hey do you mind
if I, uh, slip this in?"
340
00:15:16,226 --> 00:15:18,184
"Oh, okay."
"All right."
341
00:15:18,267 --> 00:15:21,601
"Do you mind if I, um--
Is it okay if I pull it out?"
342
00:15:21,685 --> 00:15:22,935
"Okay."
343
00:15:23,017 --> 00:15:24,685
"And do you mind
if I speed it up?
344
00:15:24,768 --> 00:15:26,434
"Do you mind if I--
Yeah! Oh, oh!
345
00:15:26,518 --> 00:15:28,267
"Was that okay?
Sorry, I didn't know.
346
00:15:28,351 --> 00:15:29,559
"Is it okay?
Is it not okay?
347
00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:31,351
Is it okay?
Is it not okay?"
348
00:15:32,851 --> 00:15:35,893
(cell phone beeping)
349
00:15:39,184 --> 00:15:41,393
-Hey!
-Kat: Hi!
350
00:15:41,476 --> 00:15:43,810
-Hi!
- There you are.
351
00:15:43,893 --> 00:15:45,810
-Oh, my God.
- Hi.
352
00:15:45,893 --> 00:15:48,935
-I miss you so much.
- I miss you, too.
353
00:15:49,017 --> 00:15:51,601
- How was the show?
-It was good.
354
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,351
I'm in a Comedy Condo.
355
00:15:54,059 --> 00:15:56,309
I feel like I'm on a stakeout
356
00:15:56,393 --> 00:15:57,976
or in witness protection.
357
00:15:58,059 --> 00:16:00,184
Hey, Pete, you're
cutting out a little.
358
00:16:00,267 --> 00:16:01,768
Sorry, can you hear me?
359
00:16:01,851 --> 00:16:05,810
- Um, yes. Okay, yeah.
-There's like
no cell service here.
360
00:16:05,893 --> 00:16:09,393
-I think it's
a Verizon community.
-(Kat laughs)
361
00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:11,518
Um, but, yeah, I'm good.
How are you?
362
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:14,309
Oh, I'm good.
It was a long day at work.
363
00:16:14,393 --> 00:16:16,476
It was...
Yeah, it was just busy.
364
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:19,142
Now what? You got
your pajama-jams on?
365
00:16:19,226 --> 00:16:22,017
Yeah, now I'm just in bed
just thinking about you.
366
00:16:22,101 --> 00:16:24,851
Oh. I wish I was there.
367
00:16:24,935 --> 00:16:27,017
Yeah?
368
00:16:27,101 --> 00:16:28,893
Why do you wish you were here?
369
00:16:31,476 --> 00:16:33,559
Yeah? Uh...
370
00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:36,267
Um, well, uh...
371
00:16:48,184 --> 00:16:50,935
This is fucking ridiculous.
372
00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:53,893
Hello.
373
00:16:54,559 --> 00:16:59,810
We just tore the club down
and you're drinking tea?
374
00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:04,101
I'm drinking tea,
and I'm pretty psyched about it.
375
00:17:06,142 --> 00:17:08,142
Where's Pete?
376
00:17:08,685 --> 00:17:10,476
I think he's in his room.
377
00:17:10,559 --> 00:17:14,309
What, am I on the road
with the fucking Osmonds?
378
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:17,851
Enjoy your chamomile.
379
00:17:17,935 --> 00:17:19,643
Enjoy your push-ups!
380
00:17:19,726 --> 00:17:21,768
(door closes)
381
00:17:21,851 --> 00:17:24,184
(mutters):
Fucking weirdo.
382
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,976
-I'm so deep right now.
I'm so deep.
-Kat: Oh, yeah.
383
00:17:27,059 --> 00:17:28,434
-Yeah.
-Oh, fuck.
384
00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:30,893
- How-- Are you close?
-I'm fucking close.
385
00:17:30,976 --> 00:17:32,393
-Yeah?
-Are you-- Are you close?
386
00:17:32,476 --> 00:17:34,309
Yeah, I'm close.
387
00:17:34,393 --> 00:17:35,643
I want you to--
388
00:17:35,726 --> 00:17:37,893
Hold on.
Kitty, you're cutting out.
389
00:17:37,976 --> 00:17:39,559
-Can you hear me?
- Yeah, I can hear you.
390
00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:42,226
- Can you hear me?
-I'm close. Are you close?
391
00:17:42,309 --> 00:17:43,976
- Yeah. I want you to come.
-I'm so close.
392
00:17:44,059 --> 00:17:46,142
-I'm gonna come.
Are you close?
-Yeah.
393
00:17:46,226 --> 00:17:48,184
- Yeah, do you
wanna come for me?
- Are we gonna come?
394
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,726
I'm gonna come.
Come with me.
Come with me!
395
00:17:50,810 --> 00:17:52,393
Oh, God!
396
00:17:52,476 --> 00:17:54,434
(muffled):
Oh, God.
397
00:17:54,518 --> 00:17:56,184
Oh!
398
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:58,101
(grunts)
399
00:17:58,184 --> 00:18:00,893
(gasps)
400
00:18:00,976 --> 00:18:02,601
(panting)
401
00:18:02,685 --> 00:18:06,184
Kitty, yeah, that was amazing.
402
00:18:06,851 --> 00:18:08,685
Are you close?
403
00:18:10,351 --> 00:18:12,101
I'm-- Are you there?
404
00:18:12,184 --> 00:18:13,601
Can you hear?
Are you close?
405
00:18:13,685 --> 00:18:15,893
Kat, I-- I'm done.
406
00:18:15,976 --> 00:18:17,601
Oh, you-- Fuck, okay.
407
00:18:17,685 --> 00:18:20,017
-I'm sorry, I thought you--
- No, I'm right there.
I'm right there.
408
00:18:20,101 --> 00:18:21,309
- I'm so close.
-You're close?
409
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:22,726
Yeah, just keep
on talking to me.
410
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,142
- Talk dirty for me.
-Okay.
411
00:18:24,226 --> 00:18:27,476
Yeah, talk about
your hard cock for me, Pete.
412
00:18:27,559 --> 00:18:29,768
It's a... It's a sad scene
down there.
413
00:18:29,851 --> 00:18:32,267
- Okay, just--
-It looks like
a cheese doodle in the rain.
414
00:18:32,351 --> 00:18:35,726
Pete, no bits. Don't do bits
right now. I just--
415
00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:37,142
Okay.
416
00:18:37,226 --> 00:18:38,601
I'm fucking...
417
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,768
I'm making you beg
for my big hard one.
418
00:18:40,851 --> 00:18:43,976
-Uh-huh. Yeah?
-I'm fucking you
so hard and so deep.
419
00:18:44,059 --> 00:18:46,559
- Uh-uh.
-Gonna wedge
my soft one in there.
420
00:18:46,643 --> 00:18:48,309
- Pete!
-(laughing)
421
00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:49,935
I'm just gonna--
Just give me a second.
422
00:18:50,017 --> 00:18:52,142
No, no, no. Don't--
I'm fucking you.
423
00:18:52,226 --> 00:18:54,142
I'm fucking you, I'm sorry.
I'm fucking you...
424
00:18:54,226 --> 00:18:55,810
with my Sorcerer's Stone.
425
00:18:55,893 --> 00:18:57,518
-Pete!
-Here comes
my Goblet of Fire.
426
00:18:57,601 --> 00:19:00,476
Stop! It's not funny.
I'm not...
427
00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:02,101
I lost it. I'm not...
428
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,768
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, it's just,
429
00:19:04,851 --> 00:19:08,810
as soon as I come, you know,
sex, like, it doesn't really
make any sense.
430
00:19:08,893 --> 00:19:10,267
I can't--
I'm really sorry.
431
00:19:10,351 --> 00:19:14,434
No, it's fine.
I'm glad you came.
I'm gonna, um...
432
00:19:14,518 --> 00:19:17,017
This is just like
the sex shop all over again.
433
00:19:17,101 --> 00:19:18,393
I'm s-- Shit.
434
00:19:18,476 --> 00:19:21,309
I'm not in the mood anymore.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
435
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,101
Kitty...
436
00:19:23,184 --> 00:19:25,226
-Bye.
-(phone beeping)
437
00:19:28,476 --> 00:19:29,768
(loud knocking)
438
00:19:29,851 --> 00:19:31,935
Petey! Come on,
baby, let's roll!
439
00:19:32,017 --> 00:19:34,267
-What the fuck?
-You don't want to get
tea-bagged, do ya?
440
00:19:34,351 --> 00:19:35,976
We're going
to the mall, bitch!
441
00:19:36,059 --> 00:19:37,393
Let's go.
Come on, Petey!
442
00:19:37,476 --> 00:19:40,309
We're gonna make it happen.
You're gonna love it.
443
00:19:40,393 --> 00:19:42,267
♪ ♪
444
00:19:49,434 --> 00:19:51,434
♪ ♪
445
00:19:57,142 --> 00:19:59,267
♪ ♪
446
00:20:17,142 --> 00:20:19,267
♪ ♪
447
00:20:22,601 --> 00:20:24,643
(rock music playing)
448
00:20:24,726 --> 00:20:26,267
Okay, good.
You're all here.
449
00:20:26,351 --> 00:20:28,851
Um, I've been trying to get
a hold of your manager.
450
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:31,226
I manage myself.
What do you think,
451
00:20:31,309 --> 00:20:33,226
I'm gonna pay someone
ten percent to pick up a phone,
452
00:20:33,309 --> 00:20:35,893
maybe answer an e-mail?
No, thanks.
453
00:20:35,976 --> 00:20:37,309
Okay.
454
00:20:37,393 --> 00:20:39,643
Well, I need you
to middle tonight.
455
00:20:42,476 --> 00:20:44,476
What are you talking about?
I thought we had a nice flow.
456
00:20:44,559 --> 00:20:46,059
We're gonna try
something new.
457
00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,976
Okay. Hey, Pete,
are you comfortable
headlining tonight?
458
00:20:50,685 --> 00:20:53,142
-Uh, yeah, I can do 45.
-Okay.
459
00:20:53,226 --> 00:20:55,685
What the fuck
are you talking about?
460
00:20:56,309 --> 00:20:58,518
We received complaints
about your set, okay?
461
00:20:58,601 --> 00:21:01,226
-Comment cards?
-No. Yelp.
462
00:21:02,351 --> 00:21:03,976
-Yelp.
-Yes, Yelp.
463
00:21:04,059 --> 00:21:05,935
We dropped
a full half-star
in one night.
464
00:21:06,017 --> 00:21:08,726
We take that
very, very seriously.
465
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,810
Yelp. Really?
466
00:21:10,893 --> 00:21:12,476
You dropped half a star
467
00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:15,518
and you're gonna give these
fucking jerk-offs the power?
468
00:21:15,601 --> 00:21:17,101
If somebody's a pussy,
fuck 'em!
469
00:21:17,184 --> 00:21:19,101
Honestly, you
should just be happy
we're keeping you
470
00:21:19,184 --> 00:21:21,726
on the show at all,
if you can tone it down.
471
00:21:23,685 --> 00:21:25,810
If I can tone it--
Did you see that room?
472
00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:27,184
Who do you think
packed that room?
473
00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:28,851
We papered the house.
474
00:21:30,226 --> 00:21:33,059
That was our mailing list.
We gave them free tickets.
475
00:21:35,643 --> 00:21:37,685
This is...
This is bullshit. This...
476
00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:39,768
This is bullshit.
477
00:21:41,476 --> 00:21:44,142
-Pete: Jay...
-Uh-huh. No, yeah.
478
00:21:44,226 --> 00:21:46,559
Well, it is in the system
under "open food."
479
00:21:47,309 --> 00:21:48,393
Hold on. Yes?
480
00:21:49,059 --> 00:21:51,810
Um, I was just wondering
if maybe I should headline.
481
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,559
'Cause, uh,
I'm not trying to, like,
overstep my boundaries.
482
00:21:54,643 --> 00:21:56,768
It's just that
I have more credits,
483
00:21:56,851 --> 00:22:00,309
and, you know,
I didn't get complaints.
484
00:22:00,393 --> 00:22:01,768
-(laughs) So...
-Yeah.
485
00:22:01,851 --> 00:22:05,309
Actually, the owner did have
some suggestions for you.
486
00:22:05,393 --> 00:22:07,309
Oh, really?
487
00:22:07,393 --> 00:22:09,601
Wa-Was he here?
488
00:22:09,685 --> 00:22:12,768
-He watches on a livestream
from Florida, so...
-Oh.
489
00:22:12,851 --> 00:22:15,351
Mainly, just
the global note is just
490
00:22:15,434 --> 00:22:17,518
have more enthusiasm overall.
491
00:22:17,601 --> 00:22:20,184
Have fun with it,
you know, smile more.
Right?
492
00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:21,643
-Smile more?
-Yeah.
493
00:22:21,726 --> 00:22:24,101
(laughing):
Oh! Just did it.
494
00:22:24,184 --> 00:22:26,184
I just feel like right now,
it feels like you're pretending
495
00:22:26,267 --> 00:22:27,685
to want to read
the announcements,
496
00:22:27,768 --> 00:22:29,851
and I want you
to want to read
the announcements.
497
00:22:29,935 --> 00:22:32,559
-Right. Oh, okay, yeah.
-You know, you're excited
about saying them.
498
00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:35,059
Great. Good luck, everyone.
Have a good show.
499
00:22:35,142 --> 00:22:37,434
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
500
00:22:37,976 --> 00:22:40,017
Smile more.
501
00:22:40,101 --> 00:22:41,434
Cool.
502
00:22:43,059 --> 00:22:44,184
I'm sorry, Al.
503
00:22:44,267 --> 00:22:48,017
And I thought you smiled
just the right amount.
504
00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:49,685
Jason:
It's code, sweetheart.
505
00:22:49,768 --> 00:22:52,351
It means they want a bubbly
chick to open the show.
506
00:22:52,434 --> 00:22:53,518
It's tits and teeth.
507
00:22:53,601 --> 00:22:57,017
Dude, you just got
demoted to middle.
508
00:22:57,101 --> 00:22:58,393
How are you lecturing me?
509
00:22:58,476 --> 00:23:00,810
Tits and teeth,
that's all you are.
510
00:23:03,184 --> 00:23:05,184
-(laughter)
-Um, two drink
specials tonight.
511
00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:09,685
We've got the Chuckle Shackery
and the Jack and Joke.
512
00:23:09,768 --> 00:23:11,351
It's, uh... Yeah.
513
00:23:11,434 --> 00:23:13,393
And, uh, for
an extra ten dollars,
514
00:23:13,476 --> 00:23:15,810
you can get it served
to you in a laugh carafe.
515
00:23:15,893 --> 00:23:18,351
You should definitely do that
if you're utter trash.
516
00:23:18,434 --> 00:23:20,267
(laughter)
517
00:23:21,142 --> 00:23:23,976
All right. Well, now that
I only have three minutes left,
518
00:23:24,059 --> 00:23:25,893
I guess I'll start my set.
519
00:23:25,976 --> 00:23:28,726
I'm eating into the time
as I speak.
520
00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:30,309
Um...
521
00:23:31,309 --> 00:23:34,017
You know, I think I'm gonna
do some new material tonight.
522
00:23:34,101 --> 00:23:37,309
-(cheers, applause)
-How do you guys
feel about that?
523
00:23:39,935 --> 00:23:41,643
I just have to say...
524
00:23:41,726 --> 00:23:43,017
I don't get these idiots
525
00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:45,976
who don't understand
the concept of consent.
526
00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:49,685
They're like, "I have to ask
if she wants a dick in her?
527
00:23:49,768 --> 00:23:53,976
Wait, what? That's gonna
totally throw off my momentum."
528
00:23:54,059 --> 00:23:55,434
(laughter)
529
00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:57,309
You ask questions
all goddamn day.
530
00:23:57,393 --> 00:23:59,267
You go to McDonald's,
you say, "Hi.
531
00:23:59,351 --> 00:24:00,810
"I don't want pickles
on my burger.
532
00:24:00,893 --> 00:24:03,309
Can I make sure that there
are no pickles on my burger?"
533
00:24:03,393 --> 00:24:05,559
It shouldn't be daunting
to say to a woman,
534
00:24:05,643 --> 00:24:07,935
"Hey, can I put my pickle
in your burger?"
535
00:24:08,017 --> 00:24:09,601
(laughter)
536
00:24:09,685 --> 00:24:11,434
She's torpedoing my act.
537
00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:12,935
Ali:
Women love questions.
538
00:24:13,017 --> 00:24:15,810
-Right? They love them.
-(applause)
539
00:24:15,893 --> 00:24:17,726
I get off on questions.
540
00:24:17,810 --> 00:24:20,768
"Can I take you to dinner?"
(moans) You know?
541
00:24:20,851 --> 00:24:24,226
"Do you wanna meet my parents?"
"Yes!" You know?
542
00:24:24,309 --> 00:24:27,393
"Can I fuck you?"
(moans) "Now you can!"
543
00:24:30,393 --> 00:24:32,267
Guys, this has been
such a treat.
544
00:24:32,351 --> 00:24:34,851
I'm gonna bring up your middle
for the evening.
545
00:24:34,935 --> 00:24:38,184
-Are you guys ready
for your middle?
-(cheers, applause)
546
00:24:38,267 --> 00:24:39,643
Oh, my God.
That's so wonderful.
547
00:24:39,726 --> 00:24:43,226
You're gonna love him.
He is a delight and a half.
548
00:24:43,309 --> 00:24:45,184
Give it up for Jason Webber.
549
00:24:45,267 --> 00:24:47,059
(cheers and applause)
550
00:24:54,935 --> 00:24:56,726
What's up, fuckers?
551
00:24:57,434 --> 00:24:59,184
How about a hand
for Ali Reissen?
552
00:24:59,267 --> 00:25:02,017
Or maybe a fist,
that'll loosen her up.
553
00:25:02,101 --> 00:25:04,601
-(scattered laughter)
-(woman groans)
554
00:25:04,685 --> 00:25:06,685
Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!
(chuckles)
555
00:25:06,768 --> 00:25:07,893
Anyway, um...
556
00:25:07,976 --> 00:25:11,267
You know, listen.
Consent, you know.
557
00:25:11,351 --> 00:25:14,184
She's-- "Oh, consent is so easy.
We all get it."
558
00:25:14,267 --> 00:25:17,685
I don't know, you know?
I'm not sure we all do get it.
559
00:25:17,768 --> 00:25:21,935
Right? I mean, it used to be
you got it, you know? I mean...
560
00:25:22,017 --> 00:25:25,017
Is there anything more creepy
than asking a girl to kiss her?
561
00:25:25,101 --> 00:25:28,559
-"Hey, do you mind
if I put these on-on..."
-(murmurs)
562
00:25:28,643 --> 00:25:31,017
You know? And how we gonna
make sex happen?
563
00:25:31,101 --> 00:25:32,476
Now you gotta ask outright,
564
00:25:32,559 --> 00:25:34,142
"Hey, do you mind
if I put it in?
565
00:25:34,226 --> 00:25:38,685
"Hey, Sweet Pea,
are we gonna do it
missionary or dog-style?"
566
00:25:38,768 --> 00:25:40,559
(scattered laughter)
567
00:25:40,643 --> 00:25:42,976
"Hey, do you mind if I insert?"
568
00:25:43,059 --> 00:25:44,851
-(grunts)
-(audience silence)
569
00:25:44,935 --> 00:25:47,893
"Do you mind
if I insert this?"
I mean...
570
00:25:47,976 --> 00:25:51,226
And then her--
And then once you
get it in, it's like,
571
00:25:51,309 --> 00:25:53,059
"Do you mind
if I take it out?"
572
00:25:53,142 --> 00:25:54,559
And what about it
when I put it in?
573
00:25:54,643 --> 00:25:56,226
Do you-- You know,
what do I do here?
574
00:25:56,309 --> 00:25:58,226
-And, huh? I'm...
-(silence)
575
00:25:58,309 --> 00:26:00,101
"I'm about to-to..."
and then, you know, like,
576
00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:03,309
"Where do I arc the load?"
You know? I mean...
577
00:26:03,393 --> 00:26:05,893
"Is it okay on your back?
Should I just--
578
00:26:05,976 --> 00:26:08,893
What if it hits you in the foot,
you know? You gonna sue me?"
579
00:26:08,976 --> 00:26:11,518
-Huh.
-(silence)
580
00:26:13,810 --> 00:26:16,142
-(Jason clears throat)
-(audience murmurs)
581
00:26:16,810 --> 00:26:18,351
Um...
582
00:26:19,476 --> 00:26:21,643
(panting):
A female friend of mine...
583
00:26:23,184 --> 00:26:27,601
Female friend of mine goes
to Mexico to get, uh,
584
00:26:27,685 --> 00:26:30,768
get knock-off birth control
because it's cheaper.
585
00:26:30,851 --> 00:26:32,101
(clears throat)
586
00:26:32,184 --> 00:26:35,976
Do we really think
that's a good idea?
587
00:26:36,059 --> 00:26:37,685
I mean...
588
00:26:37,768 --> 00:26:40,768
there are a lot of Mexicans.
589
00:26:40,851 --> 00:26:43,768
Ali (over TV):
...love him, I promise.
Give it up for Pete Holmes!
590
00:26:43,851 --> 00:26:45,559
(cheers and applause)
591
00:26:45,643 --> 00:26:48,810
(rock music playing)
592
00:26:48,893 --> 00:26:51,267
-Hey.
-Hey.
593
00:26:51,351 --> 00:26:54,393
-Here you go.
-Hey, just the person
I wanted to see!
594
00:26:54,476 --> 00:26:57,184
-Do you need anything else?
-Did you see those dipshits
out there?
595
00:26:57,267 --> 00:27:00,851
-Yeah, that was rough.
I'm really sorry.
-Oh!
596
00:27:00,935 --> 00:27:03,434
Anyway, do you have--
Did you get a shot as well?
597
00:27:03,518 --> 00:27:06,101
Um, no, that's okay.
I'm good. Thanks, though.
598
00:27:06,184 --> 00:27:08,309
Come on.
It's a tradition.
599
00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:09,810
You know, I mean,
you're the only one
600
00:27:09,893 --> 00:27:12,351
that seems to be any fun
around here anyway.
601
00:27:12,434 --> 00:27:14,893
-Um, no, thank you.
-All right.
602
00:27:16,393 --> 00:27:19,059
On the clock.
I get it.
603
00:27:20,184 --> 00:27:22,393
(Pete speaking
indistinctly over TV)
604
00:27:34,059 --> 00:27:35,810
Hey, Deborah, listen.
605
00:27:35,893 --> 00:27:37,976
I'm at the Club Condo
right up the street.
606
00:27:38,059 --> 00:27:41,267
If memory serves,
they got a bottle
of tequila back there.
607
00:27:41,351 --> 00:27:44,643
I think it's
even the good stuff,
might be a gold of sorts.
608
00:27:44,726 --> 00:27:47,851
I, uh, um...
I was thinking, um...
609
00:27:48,726 --> 00:27:50,601
You, me, you know.
610
00:27:51,226 --> 00:27:54,726
Uh, sorry. Do you need
anything else from me?
611
00:27:55,393 --> 00:27:56,976
No, no. I'm--
I'm not working.
612
00:27:57,059 --> 00:27:58,935
I'm off tomorrow,
which means you're off tomorrow,
613
00:27:59,017 --> 00:28:02,434
-which means we could really--
-Dude. Come on. Stop.
614
00:28:02,518 --> 00:28:04,142
(scoffs)
What? What do you mean?
615
00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:05,935
Come on. You know.
616
00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,935
Did you see that
fucking crowd tonight?
617
00:28:08,017 --> 00:28:10,976
What, are we supposed
to walk into the night alone?
618
00:28:11,059 --> 00:28:12,768
You know, I saw
your lower-back tattoo.
619
00:28:12,851 --> 00:28:15,935
-I know what you like,
dirty girl. Come here.
-Dude!
620
00:28:16,017 --> 00:28:18,184
Wake the fuck up,
okay?
621
00:28:18,267 --> 00:28:20,393
God, that kind of shit?
That's so over.
622
00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:23,017
-Jesus.
-Okay, we got
some wires crossed.
623
00:28:23,101 --> 00:28:25,935
No, fuck you!
Fuck you!
624
00:28:26,017 --> 00:28:28,226
Do you know what
the worst fucking job
in this whole club is?
625
00:28:28,309 --> 00:28:30,101
It's working
the fucking green room,
626
00:28:30,184 --> 00:28:33,559
because you guys think that
we all want to talk to you,
and we don't!
627
00:28:33,643 --> 00:28:35,267
-We really don't.
-All right, okay.
628
00:28:35,351 --> 00:28:38,226
So just leave me alone
and let me do my fucking job.
629
00:28:38,309 --> 00:28:40,059
-Okay?
-I hear ya. All right?
630
00:28:40,142 --> 00:28:43,059
I apolo...
Look, don't tell
Gavin, would ya?
631
00:28:43,142 --> 00:28:46,184
Because, you know,
I gotta work this club.
This is how I make a living.
632
00:28:46,267 --> 00:28:49,101
-Besides, you hit on me
in the first place.
-Oh, come on.
633
00:28:50,768 --> 00:28:52,976
-This fucking...
-(door slams)
634
00:28:57,309 --> 00:28:59,142
Pete (on TV):
...get too comfortable
swearing.
635
00:28:59,226 --> 00:29:02,518
Recently told my doctor,
I don't fuck with cheese.
636
00:29:02,601 --> 00:29:04,518
(audience laughing)
637
00:29:06,142 --> 00:29:08,309
(crickets chirring)
638
00:29:12,184 --> 00:29:13,518
Pete:
Hey.
639
00:29:15,726 --> 00:29:18,017
Do you, uh,
you wanna go?
640
00:29:19,559 --> 00:29:22,393
-Yeah.
-You okay?
641
00:29:26,768 --> 00:29:28,935
Fuck... No.
642
00:29:29,017 --> 00:29:32,267
-I-I...
-It's just one weekend, Jay.
643
00:29:32,351 --> 00:29:34,810
-It doesn't matter.
-You know they cut my pay?
644
00:29:34,893 --> 00:29:37,309
They paid me
as the middle act both nights.
645
00:29:38,685 --> 00:29:39,851
I'm sorry.
646
00:29:39,935 --> 00:29:41,601
(laughing):
Okay.
647
00:29:41,685 --> 00:29:42,768
(clears throat)
648
00:29:42,851 --> 00:29:44,434
This shit used to be
fun, Pete.
649
00:29:44,518 --> 00:29:46,810
It used to be...
It used to be dangerous.
650
00:29:46,893 --> 00:29:50,017
What do you think
Bill Hicks would do
if some broad complains?
651
00:29:50,101 --> 00:29:53,476
He'd give a fuck?
He'd flick a cigarette
at her tits.
652
00:29:53,559 --> 00:29:55,976
-Well...
-No! It's like,
if I were a fucking--
653
00:29:56,059 --> 00:29:58,768
If I were a biracial lesbian
doing the same material,
654
00:29:58,851 --> 00:30:00,226
that crowd would have
carried me around.
655
00:30:00,309 --> 00:30:01,685
They would've had
a parade for me.
656
00:30:01,768 --> 00:30:03,434
It's a shitty time to be
a straight white guy, Pete.
657
00:30:03,518 --> 00:30:07,768
-Oh, my fucking God.
-Oh, look who it is.
Samantha Bee, everybody.
658
00:30:07,851 --> 00:30:10,351
-I mean, really, dude?
-Really.
659
00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:14,434
Come on, man.
It's a hard time
to be a white guy?
660
00:30:15,226 --> 00:30:17,559
Have a little
accountability, okay?
661
00:30:17,643 --> 00:30:18,976
You're not the victim.
662
00:30:19,059 --> 00:30:20,643
And just because you're up there
663
00:30:20,726 --> 00:30:23,643
pacing around and wearing
a leather jacket,
664
00:30:23,726 --> 00:30:25,393
doesn't mean you're
telling it like it is.
665
00:30:25,476 --> 00:30:27,810
Who gives a fuck
what you think?
I like leather, okay?
666
00:30:27,893 --> 00:30:29,643
-Jay...
-And I'll tell you
something else.
667
00:30:29,726 --> 00:30:32,101
You burnt my fucking premises.
You don't do that
to another comic.
668
00:30:32,184 --> 00:30:36,017
Okay, well,
a comic does comedy.
669
00:30:36,101 --> 00:30:39,893
What you did was--
hmm, let me think...
hate speech?
670
00:30:39,976 --> 00:30:43,851
Let me tell you something.
When we wake up
from all this PC bullshit,
671
00:30:43,935 --> 00:30:45,643
we'll see what it looks
like for you then,
672
00:30:45,726 --> 00:30:49,059
you fucking Nescafe,
chamomile-sipping cunt.
673
00:30:49,142 --> 00:30:51,601
You know what, Jason?
You're a cunt.
674
00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:55,643
I am sorry that
you've been doing comedy
for 15 fucking years
675
00:30:55,726 --> 00:30:58,601
and all you have to show for it
is managing The Boston.
676
00:30:58,685 --> 00:31:01,518
Twenty-two years!
677
00:31:01,601 --> 00:31:03,101
Twenty-two!
678
00:31:10,643 --> 00:31:13,226
Okay, um...
679
00:31:13,309 --> 00:31:15,559
I think my Uber's here,
680
00:31:15,643 --> 00:31:17,142
so I'm gonna...
681
00:31:18,768 --> 00:31:20,142
See ya, Pete.
682
00:31:30,393 --> 00:31:32,309
Ah, look, you know...
683
00:31:32,393 --> 00:31:34,101
It's gonna be fine.
684
00:31:35,518 --> 00:31:37,976
Name of the game, right?
I mean...
685
00:31:38,059 --> 00:31:41,226
You come out to a club,
it doesn't always go your way.
686
00:31:41,309 --> 00:31:42,726
You take a little slap
on the wrist.
687
00:31:42,810 --> 00:31:45,142
You clean it up
for a couple of months.
688
00:31:46,476 --> 00:31:48,810
You're right back
in the game.
689
00:31:49,976 --> 00:31:51,518
(sighs)
690
00:31:51,601 --> 00:31:53,393
(exhales, grunts)
691
00:31:53,476 --> 00:31:57,184
All right, you're driving.
Middle. Middle drives, baby.
692
00:31:57,267 --> 00:31:58,768
Grab your bag.
693
00:32:03,226 --> 00:32:07,184
(heavy metal music
blaring over car stereo)
694
00:32:14,685 --> 00:32:17,518
(volume decreases)
695
00:32:21,685 --> 00:32:24,017
(volume increases)
696
00:32:24,101 --> 00:32:28,309
(heavy metal music blaring)
697
00:32:31,643 --> 00:32:34,518
Pete:
Wow, thank you guys so much.
How are you guys doing?
698
00:32:34,601 --> 00:32:37,559
-(loud cheering)
-Wow. God is good!
699
00:32:37,643 --> 00:32:39,893
-Audience: All the time!
-All the time?
700
00:32:39,976 --> 00:32:41,518
-Audience: God is good!
-That's right!
701
00:32:41,601 --> 00:32:43,935
Clap for yourselves, everybody.
It's wonderful to be here.
702
00:32:44,017 --> 00:32:46,017
-(cheers, applause)
-(gospel music playing)
703
00:32:46,101 --> 00:32:48,851
-♪ How I got over ♪
-♪ How I got over ♪
704
00:32:48,935 --> 00:32:51,685
-♪ How I got over ♪
-♪ How I got over ♪
705
00:32:51,768 --> 00:32:57,559
♪ My soul looks back
and wonder how I got over ♪
706
00:32:57,643 --> 00:33:00,726
-♪ How I got over ♪
-♪ How I got over ♪
707
00:33:00,810 --> 00:33:03,685
-♪ How I got over ♪
-♪ How I got over ♪
708
00:33:03,768 --> 00:33:09,893
♪ My soul looks back
and wonder how I got over ♪
709
00:33:09,976 --> 00:33:13,059
-♪Just as soon
as I see Jesus ♪
-♪ Oh yeah ♪
710
00:33:13,142 --> 00:33:15,851
-♪ The man who made me free ♪
-♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
711
00:33:15,935 --> 00:33:19,184
-♪ He was the man
that bled and suffered ♪
-♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪
712
00:33:19,267 --> 00:33:21,685
-♪ Who died
for you and for me ♪
-♪ Oh yeah ♪
713
00:33:21,768 --> 00:33:25,101
♪ I want to thank him
because he brought me ♪
714
00:33:25,184 --> 00:33:26,518
♪ I want to thank him ♪
715
00:33:26,601 --> 00:33:28,017
♪ Because he taught me ♪
716
00:33:28,101 --> 00:33:29,518
♪ I want to thank God ♪
717
00:33:29,601 --> 00:33:30,935
♪ Because he kept me ♪
718
00:33:31,017 --> 00:33:32,434
♪ I'm gonna pray to God ♪
719
00:33:32,518 --> 00:33:33,601
♪ He never left me ♪
720
00:33:33,685 --> 00:33:36,685
-♪ I want to sing ♪
-♪ Hallelujah ♪
721
00:33:36,768 --> 00:33:39,893
-♪ I might shout this evening ♪
-♪ Troubles over ♪
722
00:33:39,976 --> 00:33:42,017
♪ I'm gonna thank Jesus ♪
723
00:33:42,101 --> 00:33:44,059
♪ For all he's done for me ♪
724
00:33:44,851 --> 00:33:46,059
♪ Oh yeah ♪
725
00:33:46,142 --> 00:33:49,059
-♪ How I got ♪
-♪ Over ♪
726
00:33:49,142 --> 00:33:52,226
-♪ Over! ♪
-♪ Over! ♪
52370
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