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1
00:00:02,125 --> 00:00:02,792
PETE HOLMES:
You guys pee in the pool?
2
00:00:03,417 --> 00:00:04,792
Clap your hands if you pee
in the pool. Don't be afraid.
3
00:00:04,875 --> 00:00:06,083
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-You're not ready.
4
00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:07,291
ELON GOLD: I can't believe
Estee didn't pass you.
5
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,709
That was like a solid set.
6
00:00:08,792 --> 00:00:11,959
I'm doing a gig that I think
you'd be perfect for.
7
00:00:12,458 --> 00:00:13,458
Yes.
8
00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:16,208
MODI ROSENFELD:
What's going on over there?
9
00:00:16,291 --> 00:00:18,208
-PETE: Somebody I met today.
-Nice.
10
00:00:18,291 --> 00:00:21,041
-We had sex in a dressing room.
-What?
11
00:00:21,125 --> 00:00:22,583
PETE: And then again
in a bathroom.
12
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,917
-MODI: Two times?
-In one day. A double schtup.
13
00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:26,458
I see a lot of empty seats.
14
00:00:26,542 --> 00:00:28,959
Are-- Are you all saving a seat
for Elijah? Or is that...
15
00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:30,792
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
16
00:00:31,083 --> 00:00:32,041
ELON: I spoke to the rabbi.
17
00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:34,333
He said he would love
to sit down with you.
18
00:00:34,417 --> 00:00:35,458
Absolutely.
19
00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:36,959
So, where is Pete?
20
00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:56,417
No. It feels weird.
21
00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:58,083
-What, the hat?
-Yeah.
22
00:00:58,166 --> 00:01:01,166
No, you're just one of those
people. You look good in hats.
23
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,333
-Trust me. Yeah.
-Really?
24
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,083
Yeah.
25
00:01:09,166 --> 00:01:11,667
You look good.
You look sexy.
26
00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:15,000
Okay.
27
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,041
♪ Ain't got no riches ♪
28
00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:19,250
♪ Ain't got no money
that runs long ♪
29
00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:21,917
-(doorbell rings)
-♪ But I got a heart
that's strong ♪
30
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,792
♪ And a love that's tall ♪
31
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,625
♪ Ain't got no name ♪
32
00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,125
Hello.
33
00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:28,542
Thank you.
34
00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:30,417
Sorry.
35
00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:32,500
(Kat laughing)
36
00:01:33,291 --> 00:01:35,375
-♪ Let me slip through ♪
- ♪ Let me slip through ♪
37
00:01:35,458 --> 00:01:37,291
-♪ Why you tryin'
to hold me back? ♪
- ♪ I ain't ♪
38
00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:39,208
♪ I'm just tryin'
to move up front ♪
39
00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:41,750
-♪ Lil' more of this,
lil' less of that ♪
-♪ Can you feel me? ♪
40
00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:43,875
-♪ Let me come through ♪
- ♪ Let me come through ♪
41
00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:46,041
-♪ I'm tired bein'
in the back ♪
-♪ A'ight ♪
42
00:01:46,125 --> 00:01:47,542
♪ I'm just tryin'
to move up front ♪
43
00:01:47,625 --> 00:01:50,750
♪ Lil' more of this,
lil' less of that, yeah ♪
44
00:01:51,875 --> 00:01:54,917
♪ They tell me I was
born to lose ♪
45
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,417
Kat:
So I have a question.
46
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,750
Where is all this headed?
47
00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:01,125
You mean us?
48
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,625
No, I feel pretty good
about that.
49
00:02:02,709 --> 00:02:05,959
I mean your career.
50
00:02:06,041 --> 00:02:07,166
Um...
51
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,250
I want to get really good
at stand-up.
52
00:02:09,792 --> 00:02:11,792
Okay, but...
53
00:02:11,875 --> 00:02:13,083
But what?
54
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:16,417
No, that's-- that's the end.
55
00:02:18,750 --> 00:02:20,750
Yeah, but you want to be adored.
56
00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:24,375
-No, no, that's--
-You want everyone
in this restaurant
57
00:02:24,458 --> 00:02:25,875
to know how special you are.
58
00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:28,000
You want to be unable
to walk down the street
59
00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:30,166
without everybody seeing you
and recognizing you
60
00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,083
and knowing how funny you are.
61
00:02:32,583 --> 00:02:36,667
No, I'm not David Hasselhoff.
I'm... I'm a comedian.
62
00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:38,083
No. Come on. Okay.
63
00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:41,083
Admit that it is driving you
fucking crazy right now
64
00:02:41,166 --> 00:02:44,333
that no one in here knows that
you are the next Kevin Hart.
65
00:02:44,417 --> 00:02:47,208
I'm not-- I'm not
the next Kevin Hart.
66
00:02:47,291 --> 00:02:48,583
Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.
67
00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:51,875
We have a Kevin Hart.
He's perfect for the part.
68
00:02:51,959 --> 00:02:54,333
I'm just a...
I'm a club guy.
69
00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:56,458
I grind it out.
I do spots.
70
00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:58,291
I get better.
That's my--
71
00:02:58,375 --> 00:03:01,000
-You know, Madison Square Garden
and the movies, that's--
-Okay. (sighs)
72
00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,625
I'm not-- that's
a different thing.
73
00:03:03,709 --> 00:03:07,625
The greatest honor in my life
would be to be in the scene.
74
00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:09,250
-I just--
-Wanting to be famous
75
00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:12,125
is not a bad thing,
and it's not embarrassing.
76
00:03:15,792 --> 00:03:17,792
I do--
I have a TV idea.
77
00:03:17,875 --> 00:03:19,792
(both gasp)
78
00:03:19,875 --> 00:03:21,458
(sinister laugh)
Tell me.
79
00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:23,583
-It's about a guy...
-Mm-hmm.
80
00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:26,041
...who has kids,
but the public schools stink.
81
00:03:26,125 --> 00:03:29,083
So he pulls them out,
and he starts teaching
them in his garage,
82
00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:32,000
but he's really good at it,
right? So word gets out,
83
00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:33,333
and other neighborhood kids
84
00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:35,166
start coming to his school
in his garage.
85
00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:38,166
And that's like--
that's the pilot, I guess.
86
00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:40,583
I've written,
like, an outline.
87
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,625
"Holmes Schooled."
88
00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:44,583
-Yeah, Homeschooled.
-No, no, no, Pete--
89
00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:46,917
"Holmes Schooled."
90
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,583
-No, no I--
-Like your last name.
91
00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,458
But it's not for me.
It's just Homeschooled.
It's for like a name.
92
00:03:50,542 --> 00:03:53,458
Why isn't it for you? This is
the perfect vehicle for you.
93
00:03:53,542 --> 00:03:54,792
I don't see it for me.
94
00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:56,959
It's like something
I would write, but, you know...
95
00:03:57,041 --> 00:03:59,542
Ike Barinholtz
or maybe Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
96
00:03:59,625 --> 00:04:02,834
I can see your face
on the side of a bus.
97
00:04:02,917 --> 00:04:05,166
You're wearing a cardigan
and you're standing
98
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:07,625
with your arms crossed
in front of a chalkboard,
99
00:04:07,709 --> 00:04:10,417
and it says on the chalkboard,
"Tuesdays at 9."
100
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,250
-Against Big Bang Theory ?
We're gonna get smoked!
-Yeah.
101
00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,125
(laughing)
102
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:16,959
Sure you don't want
to come dance with me?
103
00:04:17,041 --> 00:04:18,417
I do want to.
104
00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:21,500
This is it.
This is where I leave you.
105
00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:25,041
-I'll see you
in three hours.
-Okay.
106
00:04:25,625 --> 00:04:27,125
-Three hours?
-Yeah.
107
00:04:27,208 --> 00:04:29,709
That's the entire movie
the Titanic.
108
00:04:29,792 --> 00:04:31,667
(laughing)
I know.
109
00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:34,250
-You'll survive.
-I'll be fine.
110
00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:37,166
-Okay bye.
-Bye.
111
00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:39,917
(singsongy):
Bye. Bye.
112
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,875
♪ ♪
113
00:04:57,917 --> 00:04:59,208
(knocking at door)
114
00:05:00,417 --> 00:05:01,458
Kitty?
115
00:05:05,208 --> 00:05:06,458
-Hey.
-Peter!
116
00:05:06,542 --> 00:05:07,917
-What's up?
-Hello!
117
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,208
-What's goin' on?
-Hi.
118
00:05:09,291 --> 00:05:12,333
Oh, nothing. I just,
I've been texting you a bunch
119
00:05:12,417 --> 00:05:15,792
and I haven't heard back,
so I figured I'd just come over.
120
00:05:15,875 --> 00:05:17,375
Yeah, well, welcome.
121
00:05:17,458 --> 00:05:20,000
Thank you. You've done
a great job, Peter!
122
00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:23,375
Look at these elements,
exposed
123
00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:26,125
just stone
into woven carpet,
124
00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:29,500
and cardboard
and wood. Great.
125
00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,291
-I'm actually...
-Oh, okay.
126
00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:33,166
-I have to...
-Sure.
127
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,166
-This is unexpected,
so I don't have a lot of time.
-Oh, I understand. Yeah.
128
00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:40,083
Ah, it's just so nice
to sit for a moment.
129
00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:42,208
I brought you a little
housewarming gift.
130
00:05:42,291 --> 00:05:46,875
Please, I don't want
any VHS's of PBS specials
you've taped.
131
00:05:46,959 --> 00:05:48,959
(laughing)
Not this time.
132
00:05:49,041 --> 00:05:50,917
-Ah!
-Yeah.
133
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,333
(scoffs)
134
00:05:52,417 --> 00:05:54,542
Mmm, thank you.
135
00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:55,542
Maca root.
136
00:05:55,625 --> 00:05:57,709
-Oh, maca root. Great.
-Yeah.
137
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,125
Incans used to take it
138
00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:01,291
right before they went
into heavy battle.
139
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:03,834
We use it for a little
help with old...
140
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:06,000
My dick.
141
00:06:06,083 --> 00:06:07,333
Yeah, your dick.
142
00:06:07,417 --> 00:06:08,291
Thank you.
143
00:06:08,375 --> 00:06:09,583
What are you doing tonight?
144
00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:11,709
-Why?
-My old roommate is
a sous chef
145
00:06:11,792 --> 00:06:13,208
and he's opening
a new restaurant.
146
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:15,333
Tonight's the soft opening.
He gave me two tickets.
147
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,208
It's gonna be you and me
and a bunch of celebrities.
148
00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:19,709
-Really?
-That's what they said.
149
00:06:19,792 --> 00:06:22,458
Kristen Chenowith is a person.
Is that one?
150
00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,125
Yeah, that's a celebrity.
151
00:06:24,208 --> 00:06:27,083
Lauren Michaels is
gonna come, and she's--
152
00:06:27,166 --> 00:06:28,917
It's Lorne Michaels.
153
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,500
She's a beautiful
celebrity.
154
00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:31,750
-Nope.
-Yeah!
155
00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:34,583
It sounds amazing.
I just-- I have plans tonight.
156
00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:37,500
What do you have, a show?
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
thing.
157
00:06:37,583 --> 00:06:41,166
No, I get that. I just--
I've been on the road a lot,
158
00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:43,542
and I'm sort of spending
the night with my girl, so...
159
00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:45,959
You guys see each other
a lot, though, right?
160
00:06:46,041 --> 00:06:49,208
This is kind of
a just-tonight thing.
161
00:06:49,291 --> 00:06:51,458
I would love hanging out,
but I haven't seen her--
162
00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:53,959
I haven't seen her
in like a week, so...
163
00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:56,083
I just want to reconnect,
you know...
164
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,583
But didn't I just--
165
00:06:57,667 --> 00:07:01,542
Did I see you on Instagram
on the High Line this morning?
166
00:07:02,041 --> 00:07:05,500
Yes, that's us on the--
that's her. That's Kat.
167
00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:07,500
-But that wasn't today.
-Oh.
168
00:07:07,583 --> 00:07:10,375
That was a later-gram. Yeah.
169
00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:13,458
Seems like you found someone
that's helped you unlock
170
00:07:13,542 --> 00:07:16,792
that piece of yourself
that lets you be love,
171
00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:21,959
and the two of you are in love
together at the same time.
172
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,333
It's great.
173
00:07:24,375 --> 00:07:25,792
-Thanks, man.
-Yeah.
174
00:07:25,875 --> 00:07:28,250
We'll do another dinner
another time.
175
00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:29,792
I just--
When I'm not so busy.
176
00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:32,291
Yeah, okay.
177
00:07:32,375 --> 00:07:34,959
(chattering)
178
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,625
All right.
See you Thursday.
179
00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:38,041
-Bye!
-Bye.
180
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:40,792
Hi.
181
00:07:40,875 --> 00:07:42,959
-I'm stinky.
-I don't care.
182
00:07:43,041 --> 00:07:44,250
Oh, no.
183
00:07:45,583 --> 00:07:47,041
♪ ♪
184
00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:49,125
♪ Loving is easy ♪
185
00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,458
♪ You had me fucked up ♪
186
00:07:51,542 --> 00:07:53,542
-You're smelly.
-(laughs)
187
00:07:57,625 --> 00:07:59,709
Can I...
Can I tell you something?
188
00:07:59,792 --> 00:08:02,250
-Sure.
-It's weird.
189
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,417
-But it's not bad.
-Okay.
190
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,291
-Um, so you know
I grew up religious...
-Mm-hmm.
191
00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:10,083
...and I was never a big,
um, porn guy.
192
00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:11,917
(chuckling)
193
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,458
-Evidenced by the fact
that I call them porn guys.
-Yeah, I can't believe it.
194
00:08:15,542 --> 00:08:20,417
No, I-- But, you know,
the Internet came around
and everybody was doing it.
195
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,542
So I started looking
at this one girl--
196
00:08:22,625 --> 00:08:24,125
-this one woman.
-Mm-hmm.
197
00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:28,208
And, I don't know, I got really
obsessed with this woman,
198
00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:34,083
and I looked at her
consistently for years,
but only her.
199
00:08:34,166 --> 00:08:35,750
Wait, so what are you saying?
200
00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,750
You were monogamous
with your porn star?
201
00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,375
Yes, exactly.
202
00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:41,792
But she's not a porn star,
she's an adult model.
203
00:08:41,875 --> 00:08:43,875
She just-- It's just her.
She poses nude.
204
00:08:43,959 --> 00:08:48,125
But you look
so much like her...
205
00:08:49,208 --> 00:08:51,291
that the first time I saw you,
206
00:08:51,375 --> 00:08:55,458
I actually wasn't sure
you weren't her.
207
00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,625
I mean, it's like--
208
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,125
Um...
209
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,000
That's a weird thing
to tell somebody,
210
00:09:03,083 --> 00:09:06,250
and I should've kept it
to myself and I'm sorry.
211
00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,917
And you're-- Hold on, you're
so much more than a--
212
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,834
You're my fantasy,
is what I'm saying.
213
00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:15,083
You're not like
a porn star woman.
214
00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:16,583
I don't even
look at it anymore.
215
00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:17,959
I need to show you something.
216
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,458
-Kitty?
-Wait.
217
00:09:20,542 --> 00:09:21,583
I'm a fucking weirdo.
218
00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:24,500
My thing is-- What?
219
00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:27,458
What's that?
Are you breaking a cold case?
220
00:09:27,542 --> 00:09:28,709
(giggling)
221
00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:31,083
What is--
What are you doing?
222
00:09:31,166 --> 00:09:34,583
It's my vision board!
223
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,875
It's my vision board.
224
00:09:35,959 --> 00:09:38,417
You do... You do vision boards?
225
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:39,583
Yeah.
226
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,125
-Like for real?
-Yeah!
227
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:43,125
This is what I want
my life to look like.
228
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,417
Like I want to go to Italy
229
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,125
or, like, learn
how to scuba dive.
230
00:09:48,208 --> 00:09:49,834
But...
231
00:09:50,542 --> 00:09:52,417
-I'm Prince William?
-Yes!
232
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:56,041
You are the tall, blond, sexy,
233
00:09:56,125 --> 00:09:57,583
-kind of goofy--
-Kitty...
234
00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:01,375
-This is what you were doing
with your porn girl.
-Really?
235
00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:03,542
He looks like a candle
that smells like nothing.
236
00:10:03,625 --> 00:10:07,458
Okay, I don't literally want
to be with Prince William,
237
00:10:07,542 --> 00:10:10,125
but it's like your porn girl.
238
00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:11,792
You spent all of these years
239
00:10:11,875 --> 00:10:15,166
pointing your desire and your
intention towards this woman,
240
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:19,667
who looks like me,
and then we just happen to meet?
241
00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:22,709
No, we manifested each other.
242
00:10:22,792 --> 00:10:24,750
You think I made you--
I mean...
243
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:27,291
You can't have
all of that desire
244
00:10:27,375 --> 00:10:29,834
and not have it
manifest in the world.
245
00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:32,000
It's the law of attraction.
246
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:34,083
Do you want to make one?
247
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,041
I have some more
New Yorkers.
248
00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:39,000
-Oh, New Yorker .
-Yeah.
249
00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:40,709
I read Playboy
for the articles,
250
00:10:40,792 --> 00:10:42,583
but I read New Yorker
for the pornography.
251
00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:46,083
-(laughs)
-I've been looking
for a photo of Mr. Rogers
252
00:10:46,166 --> 00:10:48,500
or Big Bird,
if you have either.
253
00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:49,875
Ooh!
254
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:52,542
(as Ray Romano):
Debra!
255
00:10:52,625 --> 00:10:54,166
Yeah? You're into Ray Romano?
256
00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:56,667
I love Ray.
Everybody-- everybody...
257
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,500
Can I have some paste?
I'd like to sniff it.
258
00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:01,000
-I have a surprise for us.
-Okay.
259
00:11:01,083 --> 00:11:02,709
Put your pants on.
260
00:11:03,959 --> 00:11:06,375
Where am I going
that I need pants?
261
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,583
(music playing
over store stereo)
262
00:11:21,208 --> 00:11:22,834
(motor whirring)
263
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:27,667
(motor grinding loudly)
264
00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:32,417
Hello, uh...
265
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,917
Can we go?
266
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,041
I don't like these
kinds of places. This is...
267
00:11:36,125 --> 00:11:38,250
What do you mean
"these kinds of places"?
268
00:11:38,333 --> 00:11:42,000
This isn't like a scuzzy
roadside jerk-hut.
269
00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:43,625
-No?
-This is The Pleasure Chest.
270
00:11:43,709 --> 00:11:46,208
It's a very classy place,
it's very clean.
271
00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:48,083
-The Pleasure Chest.
-Yeah.
272
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:52,458
Argh! It's still very hard
for me to be here.
273
00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:55,458
Do you two need
any help with anything?
274
00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:57,250
-I think we're-- Yes.
-Yeah!
275
00:11:57,333 --> 00:12:00,667
So we are looking for something
that we can both have fun with,
276
00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:03,125
but he's sort of new
to all of this.
277
00:12:03,208 --> 00:12:04,583
-(uncomfortable laughter)
-Okay.
278
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:07,458
Well, I always tell couples
to start with a Bullet.
279
00:12:07,542 --> 00:12:10,125
This is made of medical-grade
non-porous plastic.
280
00:12:10,208 --> 00:12:11,834
-Oh, medical-grade.
-It's great for external play.
281
00:12:11,917 --> 00:12:14,709
-You can do a lot
with this little guy.
-Wow.
282
00:12:14,792 --> 00:12:16,125
(laughing)
Oh, it's on.
283
00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:18,250
It's like a cocktail wiener...
284
00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:19,875
for your...
for your wiener.
285
00:12:19,959 --> 00:12:21,542
Hello?
286
00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,458
Sorry, I can't cock
right now.
287
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,041
Yeah, I'm going through
a tunnel.
288
00:12:25,125 --> 00:12:27,709
-And then you... Woo!
-Kat: Oh.
289
00:12:27,792 --> 00:12:29,500
(chuckles)
290
00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,583
It's fun. Thank you.
291
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:32,667
Um...
292
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:35,250
What about this?
It looks like a seahorse.
293
00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:38,959
(scoffs) Well, that's
usually for anal.
294
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:41,250
Have you, uh,
tried anal?
295
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,375
-Pete: No.
-Kat: Yes.
296
00:12:43,542 --> 00:12:45,375
Well, let me know
if you need any help.
297
00:12:45,458 --> 00:12:48,041
-Thank you so much.
-Thank you.
298
00:12:49,542 --> 00:12:51,166
What the fuck are you doing?
299
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:53,291
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm trying to lighten the mood.
300
00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:55,458
-It's, you know--
-It feels like
you're shaming me.
301
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,458
It feels like you are
trying to shame me
302
00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:59,166
for being into what I'm into.
303
00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:02,750
No, no. Absolutely not.
This is sexy.
304
00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:06,083
-This is fun. I'm all
for trying new things.
-Yeah.
305
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:08,291
I'm happy to be
doing this with you.
306
00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:09,792
-I want to do
this with you.
-Good.
307
00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,041
-'Cause I'm gonna
put stuff in you, too.
-Great.
308
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,417
I'm getting
this little guy.
309
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:16,959
Hey, Easter comes
but once a year.
310
00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:18,583
And so do you.
311
00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:23,250
♪ ♪
312
00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:26,625
(giggles)
313
00:13:26,709 --> 00:13:28,208
(laughs)
What?
314
00:13:29,291 --> 00:13:31,417
(laughs)
Feels naughty.
315
00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:34,041
We should do
something...
316
00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:36,792
We should so something
wholesome to balance
the evening out.
317
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:38,166
(laughing)
318
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,750
We could go read
to the elderly.
319
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,834
We could blow bubbles
at rescue dogs.
320
00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:46,291
(laughing)
321
00:13:46,375 --> 00:13:47,625
Pick one out.
322
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:49,417
Um, hold on.
323
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,208
We can get
the train this way.
But, um...
324
00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:53,500
No, there's something
that I want to do.
325
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:56,000
Yeah, but this-- this is sort
of like where I work, though.
326
00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:57,750
This is like my office.
327
00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:59,333
We can just hook around.
328
00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:00,834
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just come with me.
329
00:14:00,917 --> 00:14:03,375
I have something fun planned.
You're really gonna like it.
330
00:14:03,458 --> 00:14:05,959
-Can we do it at home?
-No, we cannot.
331
00:14:10,959 --> 00:14:12,125
Kitty.
332
00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,125
Can we please not do this?
333
00:14:14,208 --> 00:14:17,250
Seriously, this is like
the last place I want to be.
334
00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:18,875
-Please.
-Face your fears.
335
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,166
What are you--
What are you doing?
336
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,208
This is the club you said
you wanted to play.
337
00:14:22,291 --> 00:14:23,417
Here we are.
338
00:14:23,792 --> 00:14:26,333
Okay, this is also the club
I told you I auditioned at,
339
00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:28,375
and it didn't go well.
I-- I told you this.
340
00:14:28,458 --> 00:14:31,500
Yeah, so that's why
we're here.
341
00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:35,041
No, the plan is I want
the booker to forget who I am.
342
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,750
I'm not gonna show up
as some loser guy.
343
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:40,000
So, what, you're just never
gonna come back here?
344
00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:42,291
No, they key is for her
to forget my face.
345
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:43,792
-No, Pete!
-Then I come back.
346
00:14:43,875 --> 00:14:46,375
-She has to see you
all the time.
-No, she doesn't.
347
00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:49,250
-I'm not coming in here.
-So that she's like, "Oh wait.
This guy's got balls.
348
00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:51,458
"There's something that
I missed the first time,
349
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,417
and he's fighting
for what he believes in."
350
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,375
And people respect that.
351
00:14:55,458 --> 00:14:57,000
No, I think
people think it's weird
352
00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:59,250
when you're rejected
from something and you
keep showing up.
353
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,083
No, Pete, you need
to be here all the time.
354
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,500
You can't hide.
355
00:15:02,583 --> 00:15:05,000
-They need to get
tired of seeing you.
-Listen. No.
356
00:15:05,083 --> 00:15:06,959
-Just trust me, okay?
-Kitty, please.
357
00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:08,959
Please.
358
00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,083
This is business, okay?
359
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:12,750
It's the art of war.
360
00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:14,083
And also, you're not
walking in alone.
361
00:15:14,166 --> 00:15:16,375
You're not a loser.
You're with me, okay?
362
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,500
Hi, excuse us.
We have tickets.
363
00:15:25,041 --> 00:15:26,917
Shit, Pete Holmes.
364
00:15:27,875 --> 00:15:28,959
He's a comic.
365
00:15:29,041 --> 00:15:30,875
I know who the fuck
Pete Holmes is.
366
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,417
Pete, you sitting
in the audience tonight?
367
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:38,458
-Yes. Yes.
-Yeah?
368
00:15:38,542 --> 00:15:41,417
Don't worry about it, man.
I got the perfect seats for you.
369
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,959
-That is so nice. Thank you.
-You're welcome.
370
00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:46,333
-Should we go? Thank you.
-Yeah. Good.
371
00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:50,542
Dude...
372
00:15:50,625 --> 00:15:52,166
I'd lose the hat if I was you.
373
00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:54,792
It's cool here.
It's smaller
374
00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:56,375
than I thought
it was going to be.
375
00:15:56,458 --> 00:15:58,333
-Very intimate. Very.
-Yeah.
376
00:15:58,417 --> 00:16:01,583
-It's nice.
-This is too close.
377
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:03,625
-This is too close.
-No!
378
00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:07,500
You are right where you're
supposed to be right now.
379
00:16:07,583 --> 00:16:09,458
Ooh.
380
00:16:09,542 --> 00:16:12,083
-We didn't order these.
-These are from him.
381
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:18,250
Kat:
Thank you! Cheers!
382
00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,458
That is so nice of him.
383
00:16:21,208 --> 00:16:22,709
Cheers.
384
00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:24,834
They're fucking with me.
You realize that?
385
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,667
No, they're sending it over
because they know you,
386
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,125
because you're a friend.
387
00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,208
-They're-- that's not--
-You're a friend. Drink this.
388
00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:32,041
These people are animals.
389
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,041
-I'm drinking this.
-Kitty...
390
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:37,709
-(cheers and applause)
-The greatest thing
about smoking marijuana...
391
00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:40,083
(laughter)
392
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,166
...is smoking marijuana...
393
00:16:42,250 --> 00:16:43,875
(laughter)
394
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:47,333
and then not smoking marijuana
for about a month,
395
00:16:47,417 --> 00:16:49,417
and then smoking marijuana.
396
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:50,834
(laughter)
397
00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:52,500
Mm-hmm!
398
00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:55,291
So good.
399
00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:58,125
Ladies and people,
our next guest
400
00:16:58,208 --> 00:16:59,834
is a talented man.
Very funny.
401
00:16:59,917 --> 00:17:03,375
Put your hands together
and welcome Mr. Dave Attell.
402
00:17:03,458 --> 00:17:05,500
(cheering)
403
00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:09,583
(cheers and applause continue)
404
00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:14,208
Keep it going for William
Stephenson, everybody.
405
00:17:14,291 --> 00:17:15,166
(cheers)
406
00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:16,583
Dave:
Thanks.
407
00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:21,333
William, two words of advice:
sit-ups. Now...
408
00:17:21,417 --> 00:17:23,000
Hey, guys!
409
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,792
This is a rough and ready crowd.
That's the way I like it.
410
00:17:25,875 --> 00:17:27,583
Let's take a look at everyone.
411
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,583
It's nice to see
my condo board showed up.
412
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:32,333
How are you guys?
Sorry about the weird smell.
413
00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:35,375
And, of course, the cast
of Hamilton . Give them a hand.
414
00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:37,125
(laughter and applause)
415
00:17:37,208 --> 00:17:40,083
Dave:
And, uh... Oh shit.
416
00:17:40,166 --> 00:17:43,250
Is that...? Yeah, it is.
Hey, Pete. Yeah.
417
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:47,000
You guys don't know this.
This is a comic, Pete Holmes.
418
00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:49,625
-Yeah, sittin' right up front.
-(light applause from crowd)
419
00:17:49,709 --> 00:17:50,959
Dude...
420
00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:53,792
-What the fuck, man?
-(laughter)
421
00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,375
Did you guys buy tickets?
422
00:17:55,458 --> 00:17:58,041
What's, uh... Yes.
423
00:17:58,125 --> 00:17:59,834
(laughter)
424
00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:03,500
She, uh,
she wanted to come.
425
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,125
And you're the girlfriend?
426
00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:08,959
It's our
three-week-aversary.
427
00:18:09,041 --> 00:18:10,750
(crowd aw's)
428
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,333
-Are you guys s-e-x-ing?
-Kat: Yeah.
429
00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:16,959
Yeah? I would love to see
you two scissoring all night.
430
00:18:17,041 --> 00:18:19,917
-It must be crazy. Yeah.
-(laughter)
431
00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:23,625
Miss, can I smell your finger?
I mean, really...
432
00:18:23,709 --> 00:18:25,125
this is just what it's about.
433
00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:28,333
It's the magic of that
fedora hat, I mean, honestly...
434
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:32,125
You kind of look like
Timberlake without the power
435
00:18:32,208 --> 00:18:34,041
or money or talent.
436
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,792
And, uh, did you
buy him that hat?
437
00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:37,792
You bet I did!
438
00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:40,667
Dave:
Yeah! Nice!
439
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:43,125
You go out with a girl,
then she starts dressing you
440
00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:44,959
to look like a guy
she couldn't go out with.
441
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,041
Dave:
So evidently,
442
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:51,166
she has a 1930s reporter
fetish or something.
443
00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:53,959
Yeah, I really wanna bang a guy
that works at The Daily Planet.
444
00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:55,333
(laughter)
445
00:18:55,417 --> 00:18:58,083
(laughing)
I thought I was in the audience.
446
00:18:58,166 --> 00:19:00,208
He looks like any minute,
447
00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:03,000
he might do some
close-up magic for all of us.
448
00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,542
Pete...
449
00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:08,667
Pete, you better ice your balls.
This girl is awesome.
450
00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:11,291
Scoot over, Dan.
Hey, you guys are
never gonna believe it.
451
00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:14,291
Guess who's downstairs.
Pete Holmes is downstairs.
452
00:19:14,375 --> 00:19:15,834
Whoa, whoa. Pete Holmes
is in the audience?
453
00:19:15,917 --> 00:19:17,375
In the audience?
He's sittin' up front
454
00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,625
with this super-hot chick.
455
00:19:18,709 --> 00:19:20,583
I tell you, it's always weird
doing comedy
456
00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:22,000
in front of other comedians.
457
00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:24,417
So, obviously, there's no big
deal here, because...
458
00:19:25,959 --> 00:19:28,083
-Who's this?
Is that your girl?
-Yes.
459
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:30,875
Are things that bad in Russia,
man, that you had to--
460
00:19:30,959 --> 00:19:32,625
-(laughter)
...that you had to--?
461
00:19:32,709 --> 00:19:34,291
So when you--
when you say fedora,
462
00:19:34,375 --> 00:19:35,709
are we thinking Guys and Dolls ?
463
00:19:35,792 --> 00:19:37,125
Like ska band?
Reel Big Fish?
464
00:19:37,208 --> 00:19:40,000
Pete, I gotta say, your beard
looks better than mine.
465
00:19:42,792 --> 00:19:44,709
What is this? Oh, my God!
466
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:46,625
-Seriously?
-(Mike scoffs)
467
00:19:46,709 --> 00:19:48,333
I don't know...
468
00:19:48,417 --> 00:19:50,208
Let's see.
469
00:19:50,291 --> 00:19:52,000
(laughter)
470
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,667
Who wants to see
what's in the bag?
471
00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,250
This is the only place
in America
472
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,333
where democracy still works.
All right...
473
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,083
Uh, ooh, there's a feather!
What is this, tickling?
474
00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:04,875
Is this tickling buttholes?
Tickling buttholes?
475
00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:08,542
I actually think it's gonna
look good in the jazz man's hat.
476
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,000
(laughter)
477
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:13,041
Oh, we have found lube.
Look, look.
478
00:20:13,125 --> 00:20:15,417
It's a lot of lube, a lot.
479
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,959
What do you have down there?
Pubic hair or a tumbleweed?
480
00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:21,542
Jessica:
What's that--
That's a lot of moisturizer.
481
00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:23,417
Pete, what were you thinking?
482
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,500
It was an impulse buy.
483
00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:28,834
It's right by the register.
484
00:20:28,917 --> 00:20:31,125
-Did you taste this?
I have to taste it.
-Pete (laughing): No...
485
00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:34,875
-Yeah, I need to.
I have to taste this.
-(laughter and cheers)
486
00:20:39,291 --> 00:20:40,792
It tastes like brisket.
487
00:20:42,583 --> 00:20:46,792
This is cherry lube-- do you
know how juvenile that is?
488
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:50,041
Like, I used this when I was,
like, 18, right?
489
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:53,250
Yeah, it's really crazy,
but I'm hungry, so...
490
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,417
(cheering, laughing)
491
00:20:59,375 --> 00:21:02,166
(applause and cheers continue)
492
00:21:04,709 --> 00:21:06,291
He never remembers
anyone's name, ever.
493
00:21:06,375 --> 00:21:09,291
I know, and he's such a legend.
He started with George Barlow.
494
00:21:09,375 --> 00:21:10,583
(laughter)
495
00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,375
(cheering)
496
00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:13,750
Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!
497
00:21:13,834 --> 00:21:15,667
Dan:
Oh, there it is.
Work it, girl!
498
00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,208
Pete, I gotta hand it to you.
You finally figured out how
to get into The Cellar.
499
00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:20,834
Pay the cover,
buy the two drinks,
and lose your dignity.
500
00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:22,792
-(Mike, Dan, Jessica laugh)
-That's funny.
501
00:21:22,875 --> 00:21:25,542
-You were great.
You really were.
-Kat: Thank you so much.
502
00:21:25,625 --> 00:21:28,792
-You know who's really funny?
-We're gonna go, gonna take off.
503
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:31,625
-This guy!
-Oh! One of the best!
Are you kidding?
504
00:21:31,709 --> 00:21:34,125
Yes! He's...
one of my idols.
505
00:21:34,208 --> 00:21:37,250
-He's funnier than
all of you guys.
-Babe...
506
00:21:37,333 --> 00:21:39,250
-Pete: Babe...
-That is judgement I trust.
507
00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:40,625
-(laughter)
-Kat: Okay.
508
00:21:40,709 --> 00:21:42,500
I'm just glad
you finally found a fan.
509
00:21:42,583 --> 00:21:44,125
-Okay, um...
-We're gonna go.
510
00:21:44,208 --> 00:21:45,834
No, no, no.
Wait, Pete. Fuck that.
511
00:21:45,917 --> 00:21:48,458
-They need to hear this.
-Dan: Yeah, let's hear it!
Let's hear it!
512
00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:49,875
He's really funny.
513
00:21:49,959 --> 00:21:51,625
Aw! He is!
514
00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:53,000
Seriously! No.
515
00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:55,208
Like, you just do goofy faces,
516
00:21:55,291 --> 00:21:57,291
and then you seem like
you might be stoned,
517
00:21:57,375 --> 00:21:59,000
which is
really unprofessional.
518
00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:01,834
And then, I don't know,
you're just--
519
00:22:01,917 --> 00:22:03,333
I don't--
You're just not funny.
520
00:22:03,417 --> 00:22:05,125
-Oh!
-Mike: Oh!
521
00:22:05,208 --> 00:22:07,583
All right, all right.
Calm down, calm down.
522
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:09,750
Pete:
That was fun.
523
00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:12,667
-Crazy, but fun.
-They're really funny,
524
00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:15,417
but there's a lot
of sadness in that room.
525
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:17,542
Well, that comes with it,
I suppose.
526
00:22:17,625 --> 00:22:19,667
-Man: You're
gonna eat, right?
-Man 2: Yeah.
527
00:22:19,750 --> 00:22:21,458
What?
528
00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:24,417
(indistinct conversation)
529
00:22:26,291 --> 00:22:28,333
-That's Ray Romano.
-I know.
530
00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:31,709
-I can't believe it!
-I know!
531
00:22:31,792 --> 00:22:33,083
You have to go talk to him.
532
00:22:33,166 --> 00:22:34,667
-I mean...
-Right now,
let's go talk to him.
533
00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:36,625
I don't know if you can
just go up
534
00:22:36,709 --> 00:22:38,375
and say "hi" to Ray Romano.
535
00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:40,375
He's a comic.
You're peers.
536
00:22:40,458 --> 00:22:41,667
He's a legend.
537
00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:43,458
He's, like, my hero.
538
00:22:44,125 --> 00:22:46,125
The other thing is,
can we just order
the two mains
539
00:22:46,208 --> 00:22:48,208
-right at five?
-Ray: No, because
then we'll eat 'em.
540
00:22:48,291 --> 00:22:51,375
-Well, we'll eat 'em anyway.
-Yes, but we're gonna eat--
541
00:22:51,458 --> 00:22:53,333
Excuse me?
542
00:22:53,417 --> 00:22:54,583
So, I'm sorry.
543
00:22:54,667 --> 00:22:55,875
Ray:
Sure. Hey, man.
544
00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:59,333
Ray-- Mr. Romano,
I'm a huge fan.
545
00:22:59,417 --> 00:23:01,000
I'm a comic.
I'm a stand-up.
I'm Pete.
546
00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:03,875
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Appreciate it.
547
00:23:03,959 --> 00:23:05,500
But you're such
a big deal to me.
548
00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,125
The kind of comedy you do,
your story...
549
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,417
It's an inspiration.
I love everything you do.
550
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:12,417
Appreciate it. Thank you.
551
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,583
Thank you.
This is Kat, I'm sorry.
552
00:23:14,667 --> 00:23:16,041
-How are you?
-I think you're hilarious.
553
00:23:16,125 --> 00:23:17,417
-Hello. Hi, Tom.
-I'm Tom.
554
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,125
-Hi, nice to meet you.
-Tom, nice to meet you.
555
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:20,917
Pete:
I'm sorry,
I don't want to--
556
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,750
You're on his vision board.
557
00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:24,375
Kat:
Just have
to tell you that.
558
00:23:24,458 --> 00:23:25,583
Ray:
What does that mean?
559
00:23:25,667 --> 00:23:27,709
Oh, man, don't scare me.
I scare easy.
560
00:23:27,792 --> 00:23:29,583
Kat:
No, it sounds freaky,
but it's like--
561
00:23:29,667 --> 00:23:31,333
You take pictures of things
562
00:23:31,417 --> 00:23:33,458
that represent, like,
your goals and your dreams
563
00:23:33,542 --> 00:23:34,917
and things that you want
to achieve.
564
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,750
Then you put it on a poster
and then you look at it.
565
00:23:36,834 --> 00:23:39,250
And he literally today just,
like, cut out a picture of you
566
00:23:39,333 --> 00:23:40,542
and then put it on his board.
567
00:23:40,625 --> 00:23:42,041
Oh, wait a minute.
So you think, what--?
568
00:23:42,125 --> 00:23:43,875
It's like you set an intention,
and then you, like,
569
00:23:43,959 --> 00:23:45,959
you manifest the things that
you want to come true.
570
00:23:46,041 --> 00:23:48,792
-Like The Secret.
-It's The Secret.
571
00:23:48,875 --> 00:23:50,917
I don't want to burst
your bubble, but...
572
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,625
you don't think that's
what got me here.
573
00:23:52,709 --> 00:23:53,667
'Cause I-- I come here.
574
00:23:53,750 --> 00:23:55,000
-But I came here, too.
-Yeah.
575
00:23:55,083 --> 00:23:57,792
So maybe it moved me
to come here, and maybe--
576
00:23:57,875 --> 00:23:59,625
maybe it also,
maybe plant--
577
00:23:59,709 --> 00:24:01,041
you know, I don't know
how it works.
578
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:03,291
I-- I want free will.
Do I have free will still?
579
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:06,083
I'm not saying
I made you leave your
house and come here...
580
00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,625
-Ray: I know. I get it.
-...but, you know,
the stars align.
581
00:24:08,709 --> 00:24:10,709
Uh, we gotta go.
We gotta go.
I appreciate it.
582
00:24:10,792 --> 00:24:13,000
I just want to thank you
for everything you do.
583
00:24:13,083 --> 00:24:14,792
-You got it.
-He's-- he, like, wants to--
584
00:24:14,875 --> 00:24:16,208
He's got, like, a sitcom idea.
585
00:24:16,291 --> 00:24:17,458
He, like, wants
to do a sitcom.
586
00:24:17,542 --> 00:24:19,291
I do. Well, yeah,
that's-- that's true.
587
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:20,750
So it's not
just stand-up.
588
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,667
-It's like, what you did,
I wanna--
-Yeah.
589
00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:24,625
I have an idea
about a guy
590
00:24:24,709 --> 00:24:26,709
who's fed up with
the public schools, right?
591
00:24:26,792 --> 00:24:28,625
And, um, so he pulls
his kids out and he starts
592
00:24:28,709 --> 00:24:30,041
teaching them in his garage.
593
00:24:30,125 --> 00:24:32,083
And then word gets out
'cause he's good at it.
594
00:24:32,166 --> 00:24:33,333
-He's good at it.
-Right.
595
00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:34,500
So then other kids
start coming,
596
00:24:34,583 --> 00:24:35,667
and it's called
"Holmes School."
597
00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:37,083
Kat:
His last name is Holmes.
598
00:24:37,166 --> 00:24:39,000
Pete:
Pete Holmes,
like homeschool.
599
00:24:39,083 --> 00:24:40,875
So it's a guy who...
600
00:24:40,959 --> 00:24:44,834
who lures kids
into his garage.
601
00:24:44,917 --> 00:24:46,875
Isn't that
a Dateline episode?
602
00:24:46,959 --> 00:24:49,250
No, when you put it that way,
it does sound creepy.
603
00:24:49,333 --> 00:24:50,750
I-- I teach them.
604
00:24:50,834 --> 00:24:52,500
-Is that a sitcom?
Who knows?
-Pete: I mean...
605
00:24:52,583 --> 00:24:55,333
You know what? Maybe.
It probably could be.
606
00:24:55,417 --> 00:24:57,083
Put that on your board.
That's what you do.
607
00:24:57,166 --> 00:24:59,542
Take me down,
put that idea
on the board,
608
00:24:59,625 --> 00:25:00,875
and then we'll see
if it's magic.
609
00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,375
Here's the thing.
Listen to me.
610
00:25:02,458 --> 00:25:04,875
I wanna give you some advice.
You seem like a funny guy.
611
00:25:04,959 --> 00:25:08,917
Get on stage, man.
Be honest, be funny,
be yourself,
612
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,959
and, uh...
613
00:25:11,041 --> 00:25:13,291
if it's supposed to happen,
it's gonna happen.
614
00:25:15,417 --> 00:25:18,500
-What's this?
-Don't. Don't do that.
615
00:25:18,583 --> 00:25:21,125
I'm sorry. I got excited.
I got excited.
616
00:25:21,208 --> 00:25:22,792
-We gotta go.
-Pete: Thank you.
617
00:25:22,875 --> 00:25:24,875
-Kat: It was
so nice to talk to you.
-Good luck.
618
00:25:24,959 --> 00:25:28,125
-Thank you. Thank you.
-I do like the hat, Pete.
I do like the hat.
619
00:25:28,208 --> 00:25:30,375
-I think it's "Phil."
-Ray: It's Phil, right? Sorry.
620
00:25:30,458 --> 00:25:32,291
♪ ♪
621
00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:43,291
(alarm chiming)
622
00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,166
-Pete, wake up.
-(groans)
623
00:25:54,166 --> 00:25:56,542
Happy four-week-aversary!
624
00:25:56,625 --> 00:25:57,959
I have a surprise.
Get up.
625
00:25:58,041 --> 00:26:00,208
-Was I funny?
-You were funny.
626
00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:03,166
Oh, gosh.
627
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,000
-(screams): Pete!
-(laughing): What an alarm.
628
00:26:08,834 --> 00:26:10,375
What do you need?
629
00:26:10,458 --> 00:26:11,834
Come on!
630
00:26:12,542 --> 00:26:14,500
-What are we doing?
-Wait.
631
00:26:14,583 --> 00:26:16,458
-I don't want a knish.
-Wait, wait. Cool.
632
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,291
-There. There.
-Pete: What? The bus?
633
00:26:21,375 --> 00:26:23,208
Hold on.
634
00:26:32,875 --> 00:26:34,250
You did that?
635
00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:38,625
Is that everywhere?
636
00:26:38,709 --> 00:26:40,542
It's just that bus.
637
00:26:41,041 --> 00:26:42,375
Just this week.
638
00:26:44,125 --> 00:26:45,542
I don't know what to say.
639
00:26:45,625 --> 00:26:48,500
I wanted to show you
640
00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:50,417
so you would
believe in yourself.
641
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:52,208
Because I believe in you.
642
00:26:55,834 --> 00:26:58,166
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
643
00:27:00,542 --> 00:27:03,041
-I love you.
-I love you, too.
644
00:27:04,583 --> 00:27:09,834
♪ Chico,
don't be discouraged ♪
645
00:27:09,917 --> 00:27:14,750
♪ The Man he ain't so hard
to understand ♪
646
00:27:15,917 --> 00:27:21,000
♪ Chico, if you try now ♪
647
00:27:21,083 --> 00:27:26,250
♪ I know that you can
lend a helping hand ♪
648
00:27:26,333 --> 00:27:29,333
♪ Because there's good
in everyone ♪
649
00:27:29,417 --> 00:27:32,125
♪ And a new day has begun ♪
650
00:27:32,208 --> 00:27:34,834
♪ You can see the morning sun ♪
651
00:27:34,917 --> 00:27:38,000
♪ If you try ♪
652
00:27:38,083 --> 00:27:43,041
♪ And I know
things will be better ♪
653
00:27:43,125 --> 00:27:48,667
♪ I know they will
for Chico and the Man ♪
654
00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,667
♪ Well, the Man ♪
655
00:27:50,750 --> 00:27:54,542
♪ He don't
trust you ♪
656
00:27:54,625 --> 00:27:59,875
♪ He thinks you try
to bust up all his dreams ♪
657
00:27:59,959 --> 00:28:01,625
♪ But the Man ♪
658
00:28:01,709 --> 00:28:05,458
♪ He don't
know now ♪
659
00:28:05,542 --> 00:28:10,917
♪ That you've got your own
crazy plans and schemes ♪
46250
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