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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,125 --> 00:00:02,792 PETE HOLMES: You guys pee in the pool? 2 00:00:03,417 --> 00:00:04,792 Clap your hands if you pee in the pool. Don't be afraid. 3 00:00:04,875 --> 00:00:06,083 -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -You're not ready. 4 00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:07,291 ELON GOLD: I can't believe Estee didn't pass you. 5 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,709 That was like a solid set. 6 00:00:08,792 --> 00:00:11,959 I'm doing a gig that I think you'd be perfect for. 7 00:00:12,458 --> 00:00:13,458 Yes. 8 00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:16,208 MODI ROSENFELD: What's going on over there? 9 00:00:16,291 --> 00:00:18,208 -PETE: Somebody I met today. -Nice. 10 00:00:18,291 --> 00:00:21,041 -We had sex in a dressing room. -What? 11 00:00:21,125 --> 00:00:22,583 PETE: And then again in a bathroom. 12 00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,917 -MODI: Two times? -In one day. A double schtup. 13 00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:26,458 I see a lot of empty seats. 14 00:00:26,542 --> 00:00:28,959 Are-- Are you all saving a seat for Elijah? Or is that... 15 00:00:29,041 --> 00:00:30,792 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 16 00:00:31,083 --> 00:00:32,041 ELON: I spoke to the rabbi. 17 00:00:32,250 --> 00:00:34,333 He said he would love to sit down with you. 18 00:00:34,417 --> 00:00:35,458 Absolutely. 19 00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:36,959 So, where is Pete? 20 00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:56,417 No. It feels weird. 21 00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:58,083 -What, the hat? -Yeah. 22 00:00:58,166 --> 00:01:01,166 No, you're just one of those people. You look good in hats. 23 00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,333 -Trust me. Yeah. -Really? 24 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,083 Yeah. 25 00:01:09,166 --> 00:01:11,667 You look good. You look sexy. 26 00:01:13,792 --> 00:01:15,000 Okay. 27 00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,041 ♪ Ain't got no riches ♪ 28 00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:19,250 ♪ Ain't got no money that runs long ♪ 29 00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:21,917 -(doorbell rings) -♪ But I got a heart that's strong ♪ 30 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,792 ♪ And a love that's tall ♪ 31 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,625 ♪ Ain't got no name ♪ 32 00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,125 Hello. 33 00:01:27,208 --> 00:01:28,542 Thank you. 34 00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:30,417 Sorry. 35 00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:32,500 (Kat laughing) 36 00:01:33,291 --> 00:01:35,375 -♪ Let me slip through ♪ - ♪ Let me slip through ♪ 37 00:01:35,458 --> 00:01:37,291 -♪ Why you tryin' to hold me back? ♪ - ♪ I ain't ♪ 38 00:01:37,375 --> 00:01:39,208 ♪ I'm just tryin' to move up front ♪ 39 00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:41,750 -♪ Lil' more of this, lil' less of that ♪ -♪ Can you feel me? ♪ 40 00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:43,875 -♪ Let me come through ♪ - ♪ Let me come through ♪ 41 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:46,041 -♪ I'm tired bein' in the back ♪ -♪ A'ight ♪ 42 00:01:46,125 --> 00:01:47,542 ♪ I'm just tryin' to move up front ♪ 43 00:01:47,625 --> 00:01:50,750 ♪ Lil' more of this, lil' less of that, yeah ♪ 44 00:01:51,875 --> 00:01:54,917 ♪ They tell me I was born to lose ♪ 45 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,417 Kat: So I have a question. 46 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:58,750 Where is all this headed? 47 00:01:58,834 --> 00:02:01,125 You mean us? 48 00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,625 No, I feel pretty good about that. 49 00:02:02,709 --> 00:02:05,959 I mean your career. 50 00:02:06,041 --> 00:02:07,166 Um... 51 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,250 I want to get really good at stand-up. 52 00:02:09,792 --> 00:02:11,792 Okay, but... 53 00:02:11,875 --> 00:02:13,083 But what? 54 00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:16,417 No, that's-- that's the end. 55 00:02:18,750 --> 00:02:20,750 Yeah, but you want to be adored. 56 00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:24,375 -No, no, that's-- -You want everyone in this restaurant 57 00:02:24,458 --> 00:02:25,875 to know how special you are. 58 00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:28,000 You want to be unable to walk down the street 59 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:30,166 without everybody seeing you and recognizing you 60 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:32,083 and knowing how funny you are. 61 00:02:32,583 --> 00:02:36,667 No, I'm not David Hasselhoff. I'm... I'm a comedian. 62 00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:38,083 No. Come on. Okay. 63 00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:41,083 Admit that it is driving you fucking crazy right now 64 00:02:41,166 --> 00:02:44,333 that no one in here knows that you are the next Kevin Hart. 65 00:02:44,417 --> 00:02:47,208 I'm not-- I'm not the next Kevin Hart. 66 00:02:47,291 --> 00:02:48,583 Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart. 67 00:02:48,667 --> 00:02:51,875 We have a Kevin Hart. He's perfect for the part. 68 00:02:51,959 --> 00:02:54,333 I'm just a... I'm a club guy. 69 00:02:54,417 --> 00:02:56,458 I grind it out. I do spots. 70 00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:58,291 I get better. That's my-- 71 00:02:58,375 --> 00:03:01,000 -You know, Madison Square Garden and the movies, that's-- -Okay. (sighs) 72 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,625 I'm not-- that's a different thing. 73 00:03:03,709 --> 00:03:07,625 The greatest honor in my life would be to be in the scene. 74 00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:09,250 -I just-- -Wanting to be famous 75 00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:12,125 is not a bad thing, and it's not embarrassing. 76 00:03:15,792 --> 00:03:17,792 I do-- I have a TV idea. 77 00:03:17,875 --> 00:03:19,792 (both gasp) 78 00:03:19,875 --> 00:03:21,458 (sinister laugh) Tell me. 79 00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:23,583 -It's about a guy... -Mm-hmm. 80 00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:26,041 ...who has kids, but the public schools stink. 81 00:03:26,125 --> 00:03:29,083 So he pulls them out, and he starts teaching them in his garage, 82 00:03:29,166 --> 00:03:32,000 but he's really good at it, right? So word gets out, 83 00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:33,333 and other neighborhood kids 84 00:03:33,417 --> 00:03:35,166 start coming to his school in his garage. 85 00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:38,166 And that's like-- that's the pilot, I guess. 86 00:03:38,250 --> 00:03:40,583 I've written, like, an outline. 87 00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,625 "Holmes Schooled." 88 00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:44,583 -Yeah, Homeschooled. -No, no, no, Pete-- 89 00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:46,917 "Holmes Schooled." 90 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,583 -No, no I-- -Like your last name. 91 00:03:48,667 --> 00:03:50,458 But it's not for me. It's just Homeschooled. It's for like a name. 92 00:03:50,542 --> 00:03:53,458 Why isn't it for you? This is the perfect vehicle for you. 93 00:03:53,542 --> 00:03:54,792 I don't see it for me. 94 00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:56,959 It's like something I would write, but, you know... 95 00:03:57,041 --> 00:03:59,542 Ike Barinholtz or maybe Mark-Paul Gosselaar. 96 00:03:59,625 --> 00:04:02,834 I can see your face on the side of a bus. 97 00:04:02,917 --> 00:04:05,166 You're wearing a cardigan and you're standing 98 00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:07,625 with your arms crossed in front of a chalkboard, 99 00:04:07,709 --> 00:04:10,417 and it says on the chalkboard, "Tuesdays at 9." 100 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,250 -Against Big Bang Theory ? We're gonna get smoked! -Yeah. 101 00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:15,125 (laughing) 102 00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:16,959 Sure you don't want to come dance with me? 103 00:04:17,041 --> 00:04:18,417 I do want to. 104 00:04:19,041 --> 00:04:21,500 This is it. This is where I leave you. 105 00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:25,041 -I'll see you in three hours. -Okay. 106 00:04:25,625 --> 00:04:27,125 -Three hours? -Yeah. 107 00:04:27,208 --> 00:04:29,709 That's the entire movie the Titanic. 108 00:04:29,792 --> 00:04:31,667 (laughing) I know. 109 00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:34,250 -You'll survive. -I'll be fine. 110 00:04:34,333 --> 00:04:37,166 -Okay bye. -Bye. 111 00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:39,917 (singsongy): Bye. Bye. 112 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,875 ♪ ♪ 113 00:04:57,917 --> 00:04:59,208 (knocking at door) 114 00:05:00,417 --> 00:05:01,458 Kitty? 115 00:05:05,208 --> 00:05:06,458 -Hey. -Peter! 116 00:05:06,542 --> 00:05:07,917 -What's up? -Hello! 117 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,208 -What's goin' on? -Hi. 118 00:05:09,291 --> 00:05:12,333 Oh, nothing. I just, I've been texting you a bunch 119 00:05:12,417 --> 00:05:15,792 and I haven't heard back, so I figured I'd just come over. 120 00:05:15,875 --> 00:05:17,375 Yeah, well, welcome. 121 00:05:17,458 --> 00:05:20,000 Thank you. You've done a great job, Peter! 122 00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:23,375 Look at these elements, exposed 123 00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:26,125 just stone into woven carpet, 124 00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:29,500 and cardboard and wood. Great. 125 00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,291 -I'm actually... -Oh, okay. 126 00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:33,166 -I have to... -Sure. 127 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,166 -This is unexpected, so I don't have a lot of time. -Oh, I understand. Yeah. 128 00:05:36,250 --> 00:05:40,083 Ah, it's just so nice to sit for a moment. 129 00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:42,208 I brought you a little housewarming gift. 130 00:05:42,291 --> 00:05:46,875 Please, I don't want any VHS's of PBS specials you've taped. 131 00:05:46,959 --> 00:05:48,959 (laughing) Not this time. 132 00:05:49,041 --> 00:05:50,917 -Ah! -Yeah. 133 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,333 (scoffs) 134 00:05:52,417 --> 00:05:54,542 Mmm, thank you. 135 00:05:54,625 --> 00:05:55,542 Maca root. 136 00:05:55,625 --> 00:05:57,709 -Oh, maca root. Great. -Yeah. 137 00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,125 Incans used to take it 138 00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:01,291 right before they went into heavy battle. 139 00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:03,834 We use it for a little help with old... 140 00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:06,000 My dick. 141 00:06:06,083 --> 00:06:07,333 Yeah, your dick. 142 00:06:07,417 --> 00:06:08,291 Thank you. 143 00:06:08,375 --> 00:06:09,583 What are you doing tonight? 144 00:06:09,667 --> 00:06:11,709 -Why? -My old roommate is a sous chef 145 00:06:11,792 --> 00:06:13,208 and he's opening a new restaurant. 146 00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:15,333 Tonight's the soft opening. He gave me two tickets. 147 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,208 It's gonna be you and me and a bunch of celebrities. 148 00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:19,709 -Really? -That's what they said. 149 00:06:19,792 --> 00:06:22,458 Kristen Chenowith is a person. Is that one? 150 00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,125 Yeah, that's a celebrity. 151 00:06:24,208 --> 00:06:27,083 Lauren Michaels is gonna come, and she's-- 152 00:06:27,166 --> 00:06:28,917 It's Lorne Michaels. 153 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,500 She's a beautiful celebrity. 154 00:06:30,583 --> 00:06:31,750 -Nope. -Yeah! 155 00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:34,583 It sounds amazing. I just-- I have plans tonight. 156 00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:37,500 What do you have, a show? This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. 157 00:06:37,583 --> 00:06:41,166 No, I get that. I just-- I've been on the road a lot, 158 00:06:41,250 --> 00:06:43,542 and I'm sort of spending the night with my girl, so... 159 00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:45,959 You guys see each other a lot, though, right? 160 00:06:46,041 --> 00:06:49,208 This is kind of a just-tonight thing. 161 00:06:49,291 --> 00:06:51,458 I would love hanging out, but I haven't seen her-- 162 00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:53,959 I haven't seen her in like a week, so... 163 00:06:54,041 --> 00:06:56,083 I just want to reconnect, you know... 164 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,583 But didn't I just-- 165 00:06:57,667 --> 00:07:01,542 Did I see you on Instagram on the High Line this morning? 166 00:07:02,041 --> 00:07:05,500 Yes, that's us on the-- that's her. That's Kat. 167 00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:07,500 -But that wasn't today. -Oh. 168 00:07:07,583 --> 00:07:10,375 That was a later-gram. Yeah. 169 00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:13,458 Seems like you found someone that's helped you unlock 170 00:07:13,542 --> 00:07:16,792 that piece of yourself that lets you be love, 171 00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:21,959 and the two of you are in love together at the same time. 172 00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,333 It's great. 173 00:07:24,375 --> 00:07:25,792 -Thanks, man. -Yeah. 174 00:07:25,875 --> 00:07:28,250 We'll do another dinner another time. 175 00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:29,792 I just-- When I'm not so busy. 176 00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:32,291 Yeah, okay. 177 00:07:32,375 --> 00:07:34,959 (chattering) 178 00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,625 All right. See you Thursday. 179 00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:38,041 -Bye! -Bye. 180 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:40,792 Hi. 181 00:07:40,875 --> 00:07:42,959 -I'm stinky. -I don't care. 182 00:07:43,041 --> 00:07:44,250 Oh, no. 183 00:07:45,583 --> 00:07:47,041 ♪ ♪ 184 00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:49,125 ♪ Loving is easy ♪ 185 00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:51,458 ♪ You had me fucked up ♪ 186 00:07:51,542 --> 00:07:53,542 -You're smelly. -(laughs) 187 00:07:57,625 --> 00:07:59,709 Can I... Can I tell you something? 188 00:07:59,792 --> 00:08:02,250 -Sure. -It's weird. 189 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,417 -But it's not bad. -Okay. 190 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,291 -Um, so you know I grew up religious... -Mm-hmm. 191 00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:10,083 ...and I was never a big, um, porn guy. 192 00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:11,917 (chuckling) 193 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,458 -Evidenced by the fact that I call them porn guys. -Yeah, I can't believe it. 194 00:08:15,542 --> 00:08:20,417 No, I-- But, you know, the Internet came around and everybody was doing it. 195 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,542 So I started looking at this one girl-- 196 00:08:22,625 --> 00:08:24,125 -this one woman. -Mm-hmm. 197 00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:28,208 And, I don't know, I got really obsessed with this woman, 198 00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:34,083 and I looked at her consistently for years, but only her. 199 00:08:34,166 --> 00:08:35,750 Wait, so what are you saying? 200 00:08:35,834 --> 00:08:37,750 You were monogamous with your porn star? 201 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,375 Yes, exactly. 202 00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:41,792 But she's not a porn star, she's an adult model. 203 00:08:41,875 --> 00:08:43,875 She just-- It's just her. She poses nude. 204 00:08:43,959 --> 00:08:48,125 But you look so much like her... 205 00:08:49,208 --> 00:08:51,291 that the first time I saw you, 206 00:08:51,375 --> 00:08:55,458 I actually wasn't sure you weren't her. 207 00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,625 I mean, it's like-- 208 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,125 Um... 209 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,000 That's a weird thing to tell somebody, 210 00:09:03,083 --> 00:09:06,250 and I should've kept it to myself and I'm sorry. 211 00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,917 And you're-- Hold on, you're so much more than a-- 212 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,834 You're my fantasy, is what I'm saying. 213 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:15,083 You're not like a porn star woman. 214 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:16,583 I don't even look at it anymore. 215 00:09:16,667 --> 00:09:17,959 I need to show you something. 216 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,458 -Kitty? -Wait. 217 00:09:20,542 --> 00:09:21,583 I'm a fucking weirdo. 218 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:24,500 My thing is-- What? 219 00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:27,458 What's that? Are you breaking a cold case? 220 00:09:27,542 --> 00:09:28,709 (giggling) 221 00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:31,083 What is-- What are you doing? 222 00:09:31,166 --> 00:09:34,583 It's my vision board! 223 00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,875 It's my vision board. 224 00:09:35,959 --> 00:09:38,417 You do... You do vision boards? 225 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:39,583 Yeah. 226 00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,125 -Like for real? -Yeah! 227 00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:43,125 This is what I want my life to look like. 228 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,417 Like I want to go to Italy 229 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,125 or, like, learn how to scuba dive. 230 00:09:48,208 --> 00:09:49,834 But... 231 00:09:50,542 --> 00:09:52,417 -I'm Prince William? -Yes! 232 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:56,041 You are the tall, blond, sexy, 233 00:09:56,125 --> 00:09:57,583 -kind of goofy-- -Kitty... 234 00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:01,375 -This is what you were doing with your porn girl. -Really? 235 00:10:01,458 --> 00:10:03,542 He looks like a candle that smells like nothing. 236 00:10:03,625 --> 00:10:07,458 Okay, I don't literally want to be with Prince William, 237 00:10:07,542 --> 00:10:10,125 but it's like your porn girl. 238 00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:11,792 You spent all of these years 239 00:10:11,875 --> 00:10:15,166 pointing your desire and your intention towards this woman, 240 00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:19,667 who looks like me, and then we just happen to meet? 241 00:10:19,750 --> 00:10:22,709 No, we manifested each other. 242 00:10:22,792 --> 00:10:24,750 You think I made you-- I mean... 243 00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:27,291 You can't have all of that desire 244 00:10:27,375 --> 00:10:29,834 and not have it manifest in the world. 245 00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:32,000 It's the law of attraction. 246 00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:34,083 Do you want to make one? 247 00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,041 I have some more New Yorkers. 248 00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:39,000 -Oh, New Yorker . -Yeah. 249 00:10:39,083 --> 00:10:40,709 I read Playboy for the articles, 250 00:10:40,792 --> 00:10:42,583 but I read New Yorker for the pornography. 251 00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:46,083 -(laughs) -I've been looking for a photo of Mr. Rogers 252 00:10:46,166 --> 00:10:48,500 or Big Bird, if you have either. 253 00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:49,875 Ooh! 254 00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:52,542 (as Ray Romano): Debra! 255 00:10:52,625 --> 00:10:54,166 Yeah? You're into Ray Romano? 256 00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:56,667 I love Ray. Everybody-- everybody... 257 00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,500 Can I have some paste? I'd like to sniff it. 258 00:10:58,583 --> 00:11:01,000 -I have a surprise for us. -Okay. 259 00:11:01,083 --> 00:11:02,709 Put your pants on. 260 00:11:03,959 --> 00:11:06,375 Where am I going that I need pants? 261 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,583 (music playing over store stereo) 262 00:11:21,208 --> 00:11:22,834 (motor whirring) 263 00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:27,667 (motor grinding loudly) 264 00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:32,417 Hello, uh... 265 00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,917 Can we go? 266 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,041 I don't like these kinds of places. This is... 267 00:11:36,125 --> 00:11:38,250 What do you mean "these kinds of places"? 268 00:11:38,333 --> 00:11:42,000 This isn't like a scuzzy roadside jerk-hut. 269 00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:43,625 -No? -This is The Pleasure Chest. 270 00:11:43,709 --> 00:11:46,208 It's a very classy place, it's very clean. 271 00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:48,083 -The Pleasure Chest. -Yeah. 272 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:52,458 Argh! It's still very hard for me to be here. 273 00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:55,458 Do you two need any help with anything? 274 00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:57,250 -I think we're-- Yes. -Yeah! 275 00:11:57,333 --> 00:12:00,667 So we are looking for something that we can both have fun with, 276 00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:03,125 but he's sort of new to all of this. 277 00:12:03,208 --> 00:12:04,583 -(uncomfortable laughter) -Okay. 278 00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:07,458 Well, I always tell couples to start with a Bullet. 279 00:12:07,542 --> 00:12:10,125 This is made of medical-grade non-porous plastic. 280 00:12:10,208 --> 00:12:11,834 -Oh, medical-grade. -It's great for external play. 281 00:12:11,917 --> 00:12:14,709 -You can do a lot with this little guy. -Wow. 282 00:12:14,792 --> 00:12:16,125 (laughing) Oh, it's on. 283 00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:18,250 It's like a cocktail wiener... 284 00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:19,875 for your... for your wiener. 285 00:12:19,959 --> 00:12:21,542 Hello? 286 00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,458 Sorry, I can't cock right now. 287 00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,041 Yeah, I'm going through a tunnel. 288 00:12:25,125 --> 00:12:27,709 -And then you... Woo! -Kat: Oh. 289 00:12:27,792 --> 00:12:29,500 (chuckles) 290 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,583 It's fun. Thank you. 291 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:32,667 Um... 292 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:35,250 What about this? It looks like a seahorse. 293 00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:38,959 (scoffs) Well, that's usually for anal. 294 00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:41,250 Have you, uh, tried anal? 295 00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,375 -Pete: No. -Kat: Yes. 296 00:12:43,542 --> 00:12:45,375 Well, let me know if you need any help. 297 00:12:45,458 --> 00:12:48,041 -Thank you so much. -Thank you. 298 00:12:49,542 --> 00:12:51,166 What the fuck are you doing? 299 00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:53,291 I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm trying to lighten the mood. 300 00:12:53,375 --> 00:12:55,458 -It's, you know-- -It feels like you're shaming me. 301 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,458 It feels like you are trying to shame me 302 00:12:57,542 --> 00:12:59,166 for being into what I'm into. 303 00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:02,750 No, no. Absolutely not. This is sexy. 304 00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:06,083 -This is fun. I'm all for trying new things. -Yeah. 305 00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:08,291 I'm happy to be doing this with you. 306 00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:09,792 -I want to do this with you. -Good. 307 00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,041 -'Cause I'm gonna put stuff in you, too. -Great. 308 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,417 I'm getting this little guy. 309 00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:16,959 Hey, Easter comes but once a year. 310 00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:18,583 And so do you. 311 00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:23,250 ♪ ♪ 312 00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:26,625 (giggles) 313 00:13:26,709 --> 00:13:28,208 (laughs) What? 314 00:13:29,291 --> 00:13:31,417 (laughs) Feels naughty. 315 00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:34,041 We should do something... 316 00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:36,792 We should so something wholesome to balance the evening out. 317 00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:38,166 (laughing) 318 00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,750 We could go read to the elderly. 319 00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:44,834 We could blow bubbles at rescue dogs. 320 00:13:44,917 --> 00:13:46,291 (laughing) 321 00:13:46,375 --> 00:13:47,625 Pick one out. 322 00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:49,417 Um, hold on. 323 00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,208 We can get the train this way. But, um... 324 00:13:51,291 --> 00:13:53,500 No, there's something that I want to do. 325 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:56,000 Yeah, but this-- this is sort of like where I work, though. 326 00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:57,750 This is like my office. 327 00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:59,333 We can just hook around. 328 00:13:59,417 --> 00:14:00,834 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just come with me. 329 00:14:00,917 --> 00:14:03,375 I have something fun planned. You're really gonna like it. 330 00:14:03,458 --> 00:14:05,959 -Can we do it at home? -No, we cannot. 331 00:14:10,959 --> 00:14:12,125 Kitty. 332 00:14:12,834 --> 00:14:14,125 Can we please not do this? 333 00:14:14,208 --> 00:14:17,250 Seriously, this is like the last place I want to be. 334 00:14:17,333 --> 00:14:18,875 -Please. -Face your fears. 335 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,166 What are you-- What are you doing? 336 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,208 This is the club you said you wanted to play. 337 00:14:22,291 --> 00:14:23,417 Here we are. 338 00:14:23,792 --> 00:14:26,333 Okay, this is also the club I told you I auditioned at, 339 00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:28,375 and it didn't go well. I-- I told you this. 340 00:14:28,458 --> 00:14:31,500 Yeah, so that's why we're here. 341 00:14:31,583 --> 00:14:35,041 No, the plan is I want the booker to forget who I am. 342 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,750 I'm not gonna show up as some loser guy. 343 00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:40,000 So, what, you're just never gonna come back here? 344 00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:42,291 No, they key is for her to forget my face. 345 00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:43,792 -No, Pete! -Then I come back. 346 00:14:43,875 --> 00:14:46,375 -She has to see you all the time. -No, she doesn't. 347 00:14:46,458 --> 00:14:49,250 -I'm not coming in here. -So that she's like, "Oh wait. This guy's got balls. 348 00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:51,458 "There's something that I missed the first time, 349 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,417 and he's fighting for what he believes in." 350 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,375 And people respect that. 351 00:14:55,458 --> 00:14:57,000 No, I think people think it's weird 352 00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:59,250 when you're rejected from something and you keep showing up. 353 00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,083 No, Pete, you need to be here all the time. 354 00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:02,500 You can't hide. 355 00:15:02,583 --> 00:15:05,000 -They need to get tired of seeing you. -Listen. No. 356 00:15:05,083 --> 00:15:06,959 -Just trust me, okay? -Kitty, please. 357 00:15:07,709 --> 00:15:08,959 Please. 358 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,083 This is business, okay? 359 00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:12,750 It's the art of war. 360 00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:14,083 And also, you're not walking in alone. 361 00:15:14,166 --> 00:15:16,375 You're not a loser. You're with me, okay? 362 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,500 Hi, excuse us. We have tickets. 363 00:15:25,041 --> 00:15:26,917 Shit, Pete Holmes. 364 00:15:27,875 --> 00:15:28,959 He's a comic. 365 00:15:29,041 --> 00:15:30,875 I know who the fuck Pete Holmes is. 366 00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,417 Pete, you sitting in the audience tonight? 367 00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:38,458 -Yes. Yes. -Yeah? 368 00:15:38,542 --> 00:15:41,417 Don't worry about it, man. I got the perfect seats for you. 369 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,959 -That is so nice. Thank you. -You're welcome. 370 00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:46,333 -Should we go? Thank you. -Yeah. Good. 371 00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:50,542 Dude... 372 00:15:50,625 --> 00:15:52,166 I'd lose the hat if I was you. 373 00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:54,792 It's cool here. It's smaller 374 00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:56,375 than I thought it was going to be. 375 00:15:56,458 --> 00:15:58,333 -Very intimate. Very. -Yeah. 376 00:15:58,417 --> 00:16:01,583 -It's nice. -This is too close. 377 00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:03,625 -This is too close. -No! 378 00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:07,500 You are right where you're supposed to be right now. 379 00:16:07,583 --> 00:16:09,458 Ooh. 380 00:16:09,542 --> 00:16:12,083 -We didn't order these. -These are from him. 381 00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:18,250 Kat: Thank you! Cheers! 382 00:16:18,333 --> 00:16:20,458 That is so nice of him. 383 00:16:21,208 --> 00:16:22,709 Cheers. 384 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:24,834 They're fucking with me. You realize that? 385 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,667 No, they're sending it over because they know you, 386 00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,125 because you're a friend. 387 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,208 -They're-- that's not-- -You're a friend. Drink this. 388 00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:32,041 These people are animals. 389 00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,041 -I'm drinking this. -Kitty... 390 00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:37,709 -(cheers and applause) -The greatest thing about smoking marijuana... 391 00:16:37,792 --> 00:16:40,083 (laughter) 392 00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,166 ...is smoking marijuana... 393 00:16:42,250 --> 00:16:43,875 (laughter) 394 00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:47,333 and then not smoking marijuana for about a month, 395 00:16:47,417 --> 00:16:49,417 and then smoking marijuana. 396 00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:50,834 (laughter) 397 00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:52,500 Mm-hmm! 398 00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:55,291 So good. 399 00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:58,125 Ladies and people, our next guest 400 00:16:58,208 --> 00:16:59,834 is a talented man. Very funny. 401 00:16:59,917 --> 00:17:03,375 Put your hands together and welcome Mr. Dave Attell. 402 00:17:03,458 --> 00:17:05,500 (cheering) 403 00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:09,583 (cheers and applause continue) 404 00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:14,208 Keep it going for William Stephenson, everybody. 405 00:17:14,291 --> 00:17:15,166 (cheers) 406 00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:16,583 Dave: Thanks. 407 00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:21,333 William, two words of advice: sit-ups. Now... 408 00:17:21,417 --> 00:17:23,000 Hey, guys! 409 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,792 This is a rough and ready crowd. That's the way I like it. 410 00:17:25,875 --> 00:17:27,583 Let's take a look at everyone. 411 00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,583 It's nice to see my condo board showed up. 412 00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:32,333 How are you guys? Sorry about the weird smell. 413 00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:35,375 And, of course, the cast of Hamilton . Give them a hand. 414 00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:37,125 (laughter and applause) 415 00:17:37,208 --> 00:17:40,083 Dave: And, uh... Oh shit. 416 00:17:40,166 --> 00:17:43,250 Is that...? Yeah, it is. Hey, Pete. Yeah. 417 00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:47,000 You guys don't know this. This is a comic, Pete Holmes. 418 00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:49,625 -Yeah, sittin' right up front. -(light applause from crowd) 419 00:17:49,709 --> 00:17:50,959 Dude... 420 00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:53,792 -What the fuck, man? -(laughter) 421 00:17:53,875 --> 00:17:55,375 Did you guys buy tickets? 422 00:17:55,458 --> 00:17:58,041 What's, uh... Yes. 423 00:17:58,125 --> 00:17:59,834 (laughter) 424 00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:03,500 She, uh, she wanted to come. 425 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,125 And you're the girlfriend? 426 00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:08,959 It's our three-week-aversary. 427 00:18:09,041 --> 00:18:10,750 (crowd aw's) 428 00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,333 -Are you guys s-e-x-ing? -Kat: Yeah. 429 00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:16,959 Yeah? I would love to see you two scissoring all night. 430 00:18:17,041 --> 00:18:19,917 -It must be crazy. Yeah. -(laughter) 431 00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:23,625 Miss, can I smell your finger? I mean, really... 432 00:18:23,709 --> 00:18:25,125 this is just what it's about. 433 00:18:25,208 --> 00:18:28,333 It's the magic of that fedora hat, I mean, honestly... 434 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:32,125 You kind of look like Timberlake without the power 435 00:18:32,208 --> 00:18:34,041 or money or talent. 436 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,792 And, uh, did you buy him that hat? 437 00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:37,792 You bet I did! 438 00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:40,667 Dave: Yeah! Nice! 439 00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:43,125 You go out with a girl, then she starts dressing you 440 00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:44,959 to look like a guy she couldn't go out with. 441 00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,041 Dave: So evidently, 442 00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:51,166 she has a 1930s reporter fetish or something. 443 00:18:51,250 --> 00:18:53,959 Yeah, I really wanna bang a guy that works at The Daily Planet. 444 00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:55,333 (laughter) 445 00:18:55,417 --> 00:18:58,083 (laughing) I thought I was in the audience. 446 00:18:58,166 --> 00:19:00,208 He looks like any minute, 447 00:19:00,291 --> 00:19:03,000 he might do some close-up magic for all of us. 448 00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:04,542 Pete... 449 00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:08,667 Pete, you better ice your balls. This girl is awesome. 450 00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:11,291 Scoot over, Dan. Hey, you guys are never gonna believe it. 451 00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:14,291 Guess who's downstairs. Pete Holmes is downstairs. 452 00:19:14,375 --> 00:19:15,834 Whoa, whoa. Pete Holmes is in the audience? 453 00:19:15,917 --> 00:19:17,375 In the audience? He's sittin' up front 454 00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,625 with this super-hot chick. 455 00:19:18,709 --> 00:19:20,583 I tell you, it's always weird doing comedy 456 00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:22,000 in front of other comedians. 457 00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:24,417 So, obviously, there's no big deal here, because... 458 00:19:25,959 --> 00:19:28,083 -Who's this? Is that your girl? -Yes. 459 00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:30,875 Are things that bad in Russia, man, that you had to-- 460 00:19:30,959 --> 00:19:32,625 -(laughter) ...that you had to--? 461 00:19:32,709 --> 00:19:34,291 So when you-- when you say fedora, 462 00:19:34,375 --> 00:19:35,709 are we thinking Guys and Dolls ? 463 00:19:35,792 --> 00:19:37,125 Like ska band? Reel Big Fish? 464 00:19:37,208 --> 00:19:40,000 Pete, I gotta say, your beard looks better than mine. 465 00:19:42,792 --> 00:19:44,709 What is this? Oh, my God! 466 00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:46,625 -Seriously? -(Mike scoffs) 467 00:19:46,709 --> 00:19:48,333 I don't know... 468 00:19:48,417 --> 00:19:50,208 Let's see. 469 00:19:50,291 --> 00:19:52,000 (laughter) 470 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,667 Who wants to see what's in the bag? 471 00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:57,250 This is the only place in America 472 00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,333 where democracy still works. All right... 473 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,083 Uh, ooh, there's a feather! What is this, tickling? 474 00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:04,875 Is this tickling buttholes? Tickling buttholes? 475 00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:08,542 I actually think it's gonna look good in the jazz man's hat. 476 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,000 (laughter) 477 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:13,041 Oh, we have found lube. Look, look. 478 00:20:13,125 --> 00:20:15,417 It's a lot of lube, a lot. 479 00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,959 What do you have down there? Pubic hair or a tumbleweed? 480 00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:21,542 Jessica: What's that-- That's a lot of moisturizer. 481 00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:23,417 Pete, what were you thinking? 482 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,500 It was an impulse buy. 483 00:20:27,125 --> 00:20:28,834 It's right by the register. 484 00:20:28,917 --> 00:20:31,125 -Did you taste this? I have to taste it. -Pete (laughing): No... 485 00:20:31,208 --> 00:20:34,875 -Yeah, I need to. I have to taste this. -(laughter and cheers) 486 00:20:39,291 --> 00:20:40,792 It tastes like brisket. 487 00:20:42,583 --> 00:20:46,792 This is cherry lube-- do you know how juvenile that is? 488 00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:50,041 Like, I used this when I was, like, 18, right? 489 00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:53,250 Yeah, it's really crazy, but I'm hungry, so... 490 00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,417 (cheering, laughing) 491 00:20:59,375 --> 00:21:02,166 (applause and cheers continue) 492 00:21:04,709 --> 00:21:06,291 He never remembers anyone's name, ever. 493 00:21:06,375 --> 00:21:09,291 I know, and he's such a legend. He started with George Barlow. 494 00:21:09,375 --> 00:21:10,583 (laughter) 495 00:21:10,667 --> 00:21:12,375 (cheering) 496 00:21:12,458 --> 00:21:13,750 Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! 497 00:21:13,834 --> 00:21:15,667 Dan: Oh, there it is. Work it, girl! 498 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,208 Pete, I gotta hand it to you. You finally figured out how to get into The Cellar. 499 00:21:18,291 --> 00:21:20,834 Pay the cover, buy the two drinks, and lose your dignity. 500 00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:22,792 -(Mike, Dan, Jessica laugh) -That's funny. 501 00:21:22,875 --> 00:21:25,542 -You were great. You really were. -Kat: Thank you so much. 502 00:21:25,625 --> 00:21:28,792 -You know who's really funny? -We're gonna go, gonna take off. 503 00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:31,625 -This guy! -Oh! One of the best! Are you kidding? 504 00:21:31,709 --> 00:21:34,125 Yes! He's... one of my idols. 505 00:21:34,208 --> 00:21:37,250 -He's funnier than all of you guys. -Babe... 506 00:21:37,333 --> 00:21:39,250 -Pete: Babe... -That is judgement I trust. 507 00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:40,625 -(laughter) -Kat: Okay. 508 00:21:40,709 --> 00:21:42,500 I'm just glad you finally found a fan. 509 00:21:42,583 --> 00:21:44,125 -Okay, um... -We're gonna go. 510 00:21:44,208 --> 00:21:45,834 No, no, no. Wait, Pete. Fuck that. 511 00:21:45,917 --> 00:21:48,458 -They need to hear this. -Dan: Yeah, let's hear it! Let's hear it! 512 00:21:48,542 --> 00:21:49,875 He's really funny. 513 00:21:49,959 --> 00:21:51,625 Aw! He is! 514 00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:53,000 Seriously! No. 515 00:21:53,083 --> 00:21:55,208 Like, you just do goofy faces, 516 00:21:55,291 --> 00:21:57,291 and then you seem like you might be stoned, 517 00:21:57,375 --> 00:21:59,000 which is really unprofessional. 518 00:21:59,083 --> 00:22:01,834 And then, I don't know, you're just-- 519 00:22:01,917 --> 00:22:03,333 I don't-- You're just not funny. 520 00:22:03,417 --> 00:22:05,125 -Oh! -Mike: Oh! 521 00:22:05,208 --> 00:22:07,583 All right, all right. Calm down, calm down. 522 00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:09,750 Pete: That was fun. 523 00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:12,667 -Crazy, but fun. -They're really funny, 524 00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:15,417 but there's a lot of sadness in that room. 525 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:17,542 Well, that comes with it, I suppose. 526 00:22:17,625 --> 00:22:19,667 -Man: You're gonna eat, right? -Man 2: Yeah. 527 00:22:19,750 --> 00:22:21,458 What? 528 00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:24,417 (indistinct conversation) 529 00:22:26,291 --> 00:22:28,333 -That's Ray Romano. -I know. 530 00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:31,709 -I can't believe it! -I know! 531 00:22:31,792 --> 00:22:33,083 You have to go talk to him. 532 00:22:33,166 --> 00:22:34,667 -I mean... -Right now, let's go talk to him. 533 00:22:34,750 --> 00:22:36,625 I don't know if you can just go up 534 00:22:36,709 --> 00:22:38,375 and say "hi" to Ray Romano. 535 00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:40,375 He's a comic. You're peers. 536 00:22:40,458 --> 00:22:41,667 He's a legend. 537 00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:43,458 He's, like, my hero. 538 00:22:44,125 --> 00:22:46,125 The other thing is, can we just order the two mains 539 00:22:46,208 --> 00:22:48,208 -right at five? -Ray: No, because then we'll eat 'em. 540 00:22:48,291 --> 00:22:51,375 -Well, we'll eat 'em anyway. -Yes, but we're gonna eat-- 541 00:22:51,458 --> 00:22:53,333 Excuse me? 542 00:22:53,417 --> 00:22:54,583 So, I'm sorry. 543 00:22:54,667 --> 00:22:55,875 Ray: Sure. Hey, man. 544 00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:59,333 Ray-- Mr. Romano, I'm a huge fan. 545 00:22:59,417 --> 00:23:01,000 I'm a comic. I'm a stand-up. I'm Pete. 546 00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:03,875 Oh, okay. Thanks. Appreciate it. 547 00:23:03,959 --> 00:23:05,500 But you're such a big deal to me. 548 00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:08,125 The kind of comedy you do, your story... 549 00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,417 It's an inspiration. I love everything you do. 550 00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:12,417 Appreciate it. Thank you. 551 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,583 Thank you. This is Kat, I'm sorry. 552 00:23:14,667 --> 00:23:16,041 -How are you? -I think you're hilarious. 553 00:23:16,125 --> 00:23:17,417 -Hello. Hi, Tom. -I'm Tom. 554 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,125 -Hi, nice to meet you. -Tom, nice to meet you. 555 00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:20,917 Pete: I'm sorry, I don't want to-- 556 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,750 You're on his vision board. 557 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:24,375 Kat: Just have to tell you that. 558 00:23:24,458 --> 00:23:25,583 Ray: What does that mean? 559 00:23:25,667 --> 00:23:27,709 Oh, man, don't scare me. I scare easy. 560 00:23:27,792 --> 00:23:29,583 Kat: No, it sounds freaky, but it's like-- 561 00:23:29,667 --> 00:23:31,333 You take pictures of things 562 00:23:31,417 --> 00:23:33,458 that represent, like, your goals and your dreams 563 00:23:33,542 --> 00:23:34,917 and things that you want to achieve. 564 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:36,750 Then you put it on a poster and then you look at it. 565 00:23:36,834 --> 00:23:39,250 And he literally today just, like, cut out a picture of you 566 00:23:39,333 --> 00:23:40,542 and then put it on his board. 567 00:23:40,625 --> 00:23:42,041 Oh, wait a minute. So you think, what--? 568 00:23:42,125 --> 00:23:43,875 It's like you set an intention, and then you, like, 569 00:23:43,959 --> 00:23:45,959 you manifest the things that you want to come true. 570 00:23:46,041 --> 00:23:48,792 -Like The Secret. -It's The Secret. 571 00:23:48,875 --> 00:23:50,917 I don't want to burst your bubble, but... 572 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,625 you don't think that's what got me here. 573 00:23:52,709 --> 00:23:53,667 'Cause I-- I come here. 574 00:23:53,750 --> 00:23:55,000 -But I came here, too. -Yeah. 575 00:23:55,083 --> 00:23:57,792 So maybe it moved me to come here, and maybe-- 576 00:23:57,875 --> 00:23:59,625 maybe it also, maybe plant-- 577 00:23:59,709 --> 00:24:01,041 you know, I don't know how it works. 578 00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:03,291 I-- I want free will. Do I have free will still? 579 00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:06,083 I'm not saying I made you leave your house and come here... 580 00:24:06,166 --> 00:24:08,625 -Ray: I know. I get it. -...but, you know, the stars align. 581 00:24:08,709 --> 00:24:10,709 Uh, we gotta go. We gotta go. I appreciate it. 582 00:24:10,792 --> 00:24:13,000 I just want to thank you for everything you do. 583 00:24:13,083 --> 00:24:14,792 -You got it. -He's-- he, like, wants to-- 584 00:24:14,875 --> 00:24:16,208 He's got, like, a sitcom idea. 585 00:24:16,291 --> 00:24:17,458 He, like, wants to do a sitcom. 586 00:24:17,542 --> 00:24:19,291 I do. Well, yeah, that's-- that's true. 587 00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:20,750 So it's not just stand-up. 588 00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,667 -It's like, what you did, I wanna-- -Yeah. 589 00:24:22,750 --> 00:24:24,625 I have an idea about a guy 590 00:24:24,709 --> 00:24:26,709 who's fed up with the public schools, right? 591 00:24:26,792 --> 00:24:28,625 And, um, so he pulls his kids out and he starts 592 00:24:28,709 --> 00:24:30,041 teaching them in his garage. 593 00:24:30,125 --> 00:24:32,083 And then word gets out 'cause he's good at it. 594 00:24:32,166 --> 00:24:33,333 -He's good at it. -Right. 595 00:24:33,417 --> 00:24:34,500 So then other kids start coming, 596 00:24:34,583 --> 00:24:35,667 and it's called "Holmes School." 597 00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:37,083 Kat: His last name is Holmes. 598 00:24:37,166 --> 00:24:39,000 Pete: Pete Holmes, like homeschool. 599 00:24:39,083 --> 00:24:40,875 So it's a guy who... 600 00:24:40,959 --> 00:24:44,834 who lures kids into his garage. 601 00:24:44,917 --> 00:24:46,875 Isn't that a Dateline episode? 602 00:24:46,959 --> 00:24:49,250 No, when you put it that way, it does sound creepy. 603 00:24:49,333 --> 00:24:50,750 I-- I teach them. 604 00:24:50,834 --> 00:24:52,500 -Is that a sitcom? Who knows? -Pete: I mean... 605 00:24:52,583 --> 00:24:55,333 You know what? Maybe. It probably could be. 606 00:24:55,417 --> 00:24:57,083 Put that on your board. That's what you do. 607 00:24:57,166 --> 00:24:59,542 Take me down, put that idea on the board, 608 00:24:59,625 --> 00:25:00,875 and then we'll see if it's magic. 609 00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,375 Here's the thing. Listen to me. 610 00:25:02,458 --> 00:25:04,875 I wanna give you some advice. You seem like a funny guy. 611 00:25:04,959 --> 00:25:08,917 Get on stage, man. Be honest, be funny, be yourself, 612 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,959 and, uh... 613 00:25:11,041 --> 00:25:13,291 if it's supposed to happen, it's gonna happen. 614 00:25:15,417 --> 00:25:18,500 -What's this? -Don't. Don't do that. 615 00:25:18,583 --> 00:25:21,125 I'm sorry. I got excited. I got excited. 616 00:25:21,208 --> 00:25:22,792 -We gotta go. -Pete: Thank you. 617 00:25:22,875 --> 00:25:24,875 -Kat: It was so nice to talk to you. -Good luck. 618 00:25:24,959 --> 00:25:28,125 -Thank you. Thank you. -I do like the hat, Pete. I do like the hat. 619 00:25:28,208 --> 00:25:30,375 -I think it's "Phil." -Ray: It's Phil, right? Sorry. 620 00:25:30,458 --> 00:25:32,291 ♪ ♪ 621 00:25:41,542 --> 00:25:43,291 (alarm chiming) 622 00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:53,166 -Pete, wake up. -(groans) 623 00:25:54,166 --> 00:25:56,542 Happy four-week-aversary! 624 00:25:56,625 --> 00:25:57,959 I have a surprise. Get up. 625 00:25:58,041 --> 00:26:00,208 -Was I funny? -You were funny. 626 00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:03,166 Oh, gosh. 627 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,000 -(screams): Pete! -(laughing): What an alarm. 628 00:26:08,834 --> 00:26:10,375 What do you need? 629 00:26:10,458 --> 00:26:11,834 Come on! 630 00:26:12,542 --> 00:26:14,500 -What are we doing? -Wait. 631 00:26:14,583 --> 00:26:16,458 -I don't want a knish. -Wait, wait. Cool. 632 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,291 -There. There. -Pete: What? The bus? 633 00:26:21,375 --> 00:26:23,208 Hold on. 634 00:26:32,875 --> 00:26:34,250 You did that? 635 00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:38,625 Is that everywhere? 636 00:26:38,709 --> 00:26:40,542 It's just that bus. 637 00:26:41,041 --> 00:26:42,375 Just this week. 638 00:26:44,125 --> 00:26:45,542 I don't know what to say. 639 00:26:45,625 --> 00:26:48,500 I wanted to show you 640 00:26:48,583 --> 00:26:50,417 so you would believe in yourself. 641 00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:52,208 Because I believe in you. 642 00:26:55,834 --> 00:26:58,166 That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. 643 00:27:00,542 --> 00:27:03,041 -I love you. -I love you, too. 644 00:27:04,583 --> 00:27:09,834 ♪ Chico, don't be discouraged ♪ 645 00:27:09,917 --> 00:27:14,750 ♪ The Man he ain't so hard to understand ♪ 646 00:27:15,917 --> 00:27:21,000 ♪ Chico, if you try now ♪ 647 00:27:21,083 --> 00:27:26,250 ♪ I know that you can lend a helping hand ♪ 648 00:27:26,333 --> 00:27:29,333 ♪ Because there's good in everyone ♪ 649 00:27:29,417 --> 00:27:32,125 ♪ And a new day has begun ♪ 650 00:27:32,208 --> 00:27:34,834 ♪ You can see the morning sun ♪ 651 00:27:34,917 --> 00:27:38,000 ♪ If you try ♪ 652 00:27:38,083 --> 00:27:43,041 ♪ And I know things will be better ♪ 653 00:27:43,125 --> 00:27:48,667 ♪ I know they will for Chico and the Man ♪ 654 00:27:48,750 --> 00:27:50,667 ♪ Well, the Man ♪ 655 00:27:50,750 --> 00:27:54,542 ♪ He don't trust you ♪ 656 00:27:54,625 --> 00:27:59,875 ♪ He thinks you try to bust up all his dreams ♪ 657 00:27:59,959 --> 00:28:01,625 ♪ But the Man ♪ 658 00:28:01,709 --> 00:28:05,458 ♪ He don't know now ♪ 659 00:28:05,542 --> 00:28:10,917 ♪ That you've got your own crazy plans and schemes ♪ 46250

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