Original subtitles

- Hi, Grampy!

- There you are!

I thought you weren't gonna make it.

- Oh, no, have you been waiting?

I told you I was running late.

- Oh, I didn't see any message.

- Oh, no, not on a phone.

I sent you a thought on the Hivemind.

Let me just make sure it went through.

That's so odd.

- I'm not on the Hivemind.

- What?

Why not?

Everyone's on the Hivemind.

- I like the Internet.

What's wrong with that?

- The Hivemind is so much better.

You can instantly exchange thoughts and feelings

or access the memories of anyone on the planet.

It's totally bleef.

- I don't like how people

have their minds melded all the time.

Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned conversation?

Two people, together, silently texting each other.

- I guess things are different now.

- You're telling me.

When I was your age, everything was simple.

You wanted to meet up with somebody,

you sent them an evite.

Then you sent them an email to make sure they got the evite.

And then, a couple days later, you texted them,

because they never answered.

- Is everything okay?

- I'm just a little lonely since your grandma died.

None of my old friends

are answering any of their damn texts.

- That's because nobody texts anymore.

- Oh.

- Grandpa, I know new technology can be scary,

but if you get on the Hivemind,

you can use it to meet your neighbors,

or old friends from high school,

or everyone in this park.

- Hi, Appleby!

- You'll never be alone again.

- Can I use it to meet my college girlfriend?

- Of course, super easy!

What brain tap do you use?

Alpha Slug, or Flurm, or?

- I don't know.

I had it implanted so long ago.

It's the one that makes you

remember the smell of wet leaves.

- Cranial?

That's a terrible brain tap.

I'm gonna force sync you a better one.

- I'm sure that--

I'm sure the Cranium is fine.

- Cranial.

- But okay, whatever.

Just doublethink Cranial.

- How the Hell do you doublethink?

- You just think about the smell of wet leaves twice.

- What do you mean, think twice?

How do you think about something twice?

- You just think about it,

and then you think about it again.

Like this.

- Wait.

What's happening?

I can hear the sound of 2000 teeth chattering.

And I feel the sensation of ground beef between my fingers.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, just ignore that.

- What's happening?

- That's Cranial.

It comes built in with these sense prompts

that supposedly ease you into the whole experience,

but it kinda just clutters everything up.

Are you sure you don't want me to force sync you Flurm?

- Yes, yes, I'm sure.

- Okay, well, after these feelings subside,

you should be launched into the Hivemind.

- See?

Look at all these great thoughts

everyone else in the world is thinking.

- Make it stop!

- Try to focus on me.

Focus on my voice.

- What the Hell is this?

Why are there so many of us?

- I'm thinking of you, and you're thinking of me,

but we're also syncing each other's thoughts,

so you're thinking of me thinking of you

and I'm thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you,

and so on.

Does that make sense?

- No.

I hate this.

I don't want to do this anymore.

- You're doing great.

I thought you wanted to try and find your old girlfriend.

- Rebecca Heath.

- Great, just doublethink her.

- Rebecca, is that really you?

- Hello, Travis.

I see you're finally in the Hivemind.

- This is incredible.

It's been so long.

How are you, what have you been up to?

God, there's so much to say.

- There sure is.

Here.

Well, it was nice catching up.

- Wh-- what?

- Think of me again sometime.

- That's it?

- Aw, that's so sweet.

- No, it was nothing.

- You both shared

every detail about your life with each other.

- What happened to real friendship?

People you saw everyday,

on Facebook,

when you scrolled past them.

- I'm sorry, Grandpa.

I know how you feel.

- No, you don't.

You're too young to know how I feel.

- No, I mean I literally know how you feel.

I'm tapped into all your thoughts.

Remember?

We all are.

- But why?

Whatever happened to privacy?

In my day, we only shared things we liked,

and things we hated,

and our meals,

and our current mood, job, and location,

and pictures of our genitals,

and pictures of naked celebrities

that we hacked from their phones,

but not everything!

I want to get out of this thing.

How do I get out of this thing?

- You don't.

That's the whole point.

We're all connected, and you're never alone.

- No.

It's too much, it's way too much.

- Sure, yeah, there are some bad parts,

but look at what the Hivemind can do.

It's brought humanity together.

War is over.

With a single thought,

you can feel the wind on your face

from the other side of the world,

or feel the combined power of all the love in the world,

or truly understand a single person with 100% empathy.

- Yes!

Yes!

Wow!

- And there's so much you can give.

Your wisdom, the love you felt for Grandma,

your bank account info, the feeling

of holding your granddaughter for the first time.

- Wait, wait.

What was that last thing you said?

- Grampy, who you talking to?

- Welcome to the Hivemind, sucker!

- Shit!

You didn't think about any sensitive information

around her, did you?

- What the Hell is happening?

- That wasn't me!

That was someone who just

used my thoughts, feelings, and experiences

to pretend to be me.

It's a brain phishing scam.

- How am I supposed to know that?

- Couldn't you tell that that wasn't me?

- No, it...

looked exactly like you.

I don't even know when real you left.

- Really, Grandpa?

I think it's pretty obvious.

- This is just as horrible as I thought it would be!

Just log me out.

- Nobody says, "Log out" anymore.

- I don't care!

I don't care what people do today.

I don't need them.

Just, how do I get out of this thing?

- Just unthink the smell of wet leaves.

- What do you mean, unthink?

Look, nevermind.

Nevermind.

I'll figure it out.

Sorry I snapped at you.

- That's okay.

I could think that you were going through a lot.

And all your money was stolen.

- I didn't need this Hivemind before,

and I don't need it now.

- Oh, okay.

See you next week, Grampy.

Sorry.

- Hello.

Thank you for installing Alpha Slug.

To tap into the Hivemind,

just doublethink the feeling of deep shame.

If you are having trouble connecting to the Hivemind,

try sleeping for 15 seconds.

If this does not resolve the issue,

ensure your thought probe is properly installed

by removing and reinserting it into your skull.

This may require light surgical knowledge.

Please use caution when using Hivemind to view pornography,

as you will experience the sensation

of thousands of simultaneous orgasms.

Do not think too hard about the logic of the Hivemind.

Do not think about the Hivemind while within the Hivemind.

Have fun.