Original subtitles

- Stanley.

- Hey, Mom.

- Hi, sweetie.

So, Daddy is in the basement,

but in the meantime, I want to hear all about

this big job in New York City.

- Job's in Albany, Mom.

- Still, a New York city.

I just made some cookies, so let me

get you a glass of milk.

- No, Mom.

I can't drink milk because I'm a vegan.

- Oh, please.

You can't have cookies without milk.

- Mom, what's the deal with this email you sent me?

- Did you like that?

- I guess, but it's just this one phrase

in green sparkle font.

- Oh, come on.

That's cute.

- Sure, but you've been sending me a lot

of these emails.

The inspirational story of the pickle jar,

the non-YouTube video link of Joel Osteen telling jokes,

the kind of naughty limerick.

- Well, don't you like them?

- They're great, it's just, where are you getting all these?

- What do you mean?

- Hmm?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm basically online all day, and I never once

came across any of these kinds of links,

but you seem to have an endless supply of them.

And they've always been forwarded so many times,

it's impossible to trace the origin.

It's like you're tapped into a parallel Internet.

- Well now, let me see.

I think that that one was sent to me by--

- I'm so sorry, sweetie.

But you fly too close to the web,

spider's gonna get ya.

- Gabby!

What do you think about us getting sea-doos?

- Sounds like fun!

- Yeah, we'd be zipping around on the water.

- He's awake.

- Rise and shine.

It's nearly 11 am, lazybones.

- I was knocked out.

- I'm sorry about your head, son.

I couldn't risk bringing you here when you were awake.

This location has to remain completely secret.

- Hey!

Don't mind me.

I'm just looking for some more cream soda

here in the garage.

You know, we're out in the pantry.

- Couldn't this wait, James?

- I'm not even here.

Not even here.

- Mom, is that your old Compaq?

You told me you threw it away because

you were scared of viruses.

And your iPod you never learned how to use.

- Your mother donated them to the cause.

Outdated computers are harder for the

NSA to track.

- NSA?

What is going on?

- You wanted to know the truth about my emails, right?

Well the answers are on that computer.

- Doesn't even make sense.

- Of course it doesn't.

Not to you.

- Hello, Stanley.

We are the Mom Web.

- The Mom Web?

- A happiness collective operating in the

deepest, least understood corner of the Internet:

mom emails.

- I don't understand.

- Mom emails are the perfect vessel for sharing

secret messages online.

The NSA tracks every communication Americans make,

except for emails from moms.

They find them weird and tedious,

just like you do.

- That's not true.

- It's okay.

The Mom Web relies on society's dismissal of mom emails.

- A visit every now and then would be nice, though.

- Oh yes, it would be nice.

- Every mom email that has ever passed through an inbox,

every Christian parody song,

every funny photo, every allegory in a weird type,

they're all part of an elaborate encryption process.

- Encryption process for what?

Why are you doing all this?

- Because we are moms, and we know what's best.

For you and for society.

And wrong.

Fibbing is wrong.

So we brought them down.

WikiLeaks?

Nobody likes secrets, so we shared them with the world.

- Why are you telling me all this?

- Because we need your help, son.

That email that I sent to you this morning?

It contains the Mom Web's most powerful program ever.

Now.

If we can successfully share it,

we can spread our Mom Web values across the world.

- But, we cannot do it alone.

- What are you saying?

- We need you to spread the program, Stanley.

We need you to do what no son's ever done before:

actually share this mom email with your friends.

- If just one son forwards it,

it would start a chain reaction that would spread it

across the entire Internet.

- Will you do it, son?

Will you help us?

- This is very shady.

All right?

I know our government isn't perfect,

but hacking?

It is extremely--

- You're just embarrassed to share the email, aren't you?

- I'm not embarrassed to do the...

Okay, yeah.

I am.

I mean...

"Smile"?

That's super corny.

I'm not going to send that to my friends.

Look, I've done plenty of--

I came home on both Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A lot of my friends--

- You should.

- All right.

Mom, I'll do it.

- Yes!

- Hi, Mrs. Talbot.

- Hi.

- There, you happy?

- Virus upload initialized.

- Viruses?

Pentagon?

What the hell did you make me do?

- The right thing, son.

- Once this virus passes the Pentagon's firewall,

it'll automatically deploy our entire nuclear arsenal.

- Yes!

- I thought you wanted to spread Mom Web values!

- That's exactly what we are doing.

Society has grown filthy with corruption.

It's, it's like gunk and chocolate

on a glass coffee table.

- Oh, that is the worst!

It's hard to get up.

- These nukes are going to wipe that coffee table clean.

- Yes!

- You're all out of your damn minds!

- That's enough out of you, potty mouth!

- You just sit back and let this happen.

It's almost over now, sweetie.

- Found 'em!

- Hey Dad, um...

I think there's something wrong with the computer.

Could you maybe come take a look at it?

- I am Mister Computer.

I'll come take a look.

- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

- Mom Web may have control over the computers,

but the computers are no match for a clueless dad

trying to fix it.

- You better get away from that!

- Back up!

You too, Mrs. Talbot!

- Let me give this a little look-see.

We've got Control Alt Delete,

and that does--

You know, I'm going to have to give this

a little dad touch, maybe.

- No, you're going to destroy the network!

- Let's see.

We've got Control Escape, 3, 4, 5, 6.

I think this mouse may be dead.

You can undo it sometimes.

You know, I'm going to try to download

this little Japanese website.

And Enter!

- Dad, it worked!

We've got to get out of here!

- I do have some other options--

You know, I could try turning the computer

on and off.

- Dad, you did it.

- I fixed the computer?

- Yeah, sure.

Okay, why not.

- All right!

Let's hear it for your old man.

Hey, you know?

I think this calls for a cream soda.

- I can't believe Mom's dead.

- Yeah.

But at least we prevented nuclear holocausts.

Cheers.

- Hon, I know it looks expensive,

but think of all the money we'll save

if we don't need to rent the sea-doos!

Hey hon, best off shore performance,

or better power to weight ratio?

I don't, I don't think I'm going to be

spending too much time off shore,

but I don't want to limit myself forever.