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1
00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:23,322
- My fellow Americans,
2
00:00:23,355 --> 00:00:26,692
I speak to you tonight
with an urgent message.
3
00:00:26,725 --> 00:00:30,496
In six days, a meteor is
expected to strike Earth.
4
00:00:30,529 --> 00:00:33,099
One hour after the meteor's
strike,
5
00:00:33,132 --> 00:00:36,602
tidal waves will flood the
entire Eastern seaboard.
6
00:00:36,635 --> 00:00:40,173
Massive earthquakes will
shake the whole nation
7
00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:43,376
and then all the world
will plunge into darkness.
8
00:00:43,409 --> 00:00:47,613
I know this sounds hopeless,
but we can survive.
9
00:00:47,646 --> 00:00:48,547
As Commander in Chief,
10
00:00:48,581 --> 00:00:50,450
it's my job to protect the
American people
11
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:52,385
against every eventuality.
12
00:00:52,418 --> 00:00:54,220
My government has constructed
reinforced
13
00:00:54,253 --> 00:00:56,322
bunkers throughout this great
nation,
14
00:00:56,355 --> 00:01:00,860
filled with food and water
to last for 100 years.
15
00:01:00,893 --> 00:01:04,097
All you have to do is get your
family to the closest bunker.
16
00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,534
Please don't panic, there's
enough room for everyone.
17
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:13,206
It won't be easy, but we will
survive.
18
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:16,242
Just pay attention and follow
directions.
19
00:01:19,678 --> 00:01:21,247
Goodnight
20
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,782
and may God bless America.
21
00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:27,787
207 views?
22
00:01:27,820 --> 00:01:29,388
- Yeah, but it's about to
update,
23
00:01:29,421 --> 00:01:34,160
so it's now up to 248 views.
24
00:01:36,228 --> 00:01:37,763
- That's it?
25
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:40,366
The speech has been online for
10 hours.
26
00:01:40,399 --> 00:01:43,603
I'm telling people the
world is about to end.
27
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:45,838
- People think politics are
boring.
28
00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:48,207
- Okay, okay.
29
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:49,375
That's just the internet.
30
00:01:49,408 --> 00:01:51,711
We broke into all the major
TV news broadcasts, right?
31
00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:52,745
- Yeah.
32
00:01:52,778 --> 00:01:54,881
Penetration of our message to
33
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:57,316
Caucasians over 60 is doing
great.
34
00:01:57,349 --> 00:02:00,586
I mean, our Miami Beach
bunker is almost full, so.
35
00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:03,523
- Just old people?
36
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:06,392
How are they supposed to
continue the human race?
37
00:02:06,425 --> 00:02:08,594
Frankly, they shouldn't be
allowed in the bunkers anyway.
38
00:02:08,627 --> 00:02:11,331
- But they are, because you
built a shit ton of bunkers.
39
00:02:12,865 --> 00:02:15,701
- I did that. I built a
shit ton of bunkers.
40
00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:19,139
So, how are we going to
get people to watch this?
41
00:02:22,241 --> 00:02:23,709
- Uh, hey guys.
42
00:02:23,742 --> 00:02:24,810
So today, I want to talk about
43
00:02:24,843 --> 00:02:27,313
the big meteor that's gonna
crash into the planet.
44
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:32,185
Yeah, it's a total bummer
that everyone's gonna die.
45
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:33,352
But you can survive if you make
it
46
00:02:33,385 --> 00:02:34,654
to one of the thousands of
bunkers
47
00:02:34,687 --> 00:02:36,556
we built just for this occasion.
48
00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:37,456
What?
49
00:02:37,489 --> 00:02:38,490
Cray cray!
50
00:02:38,524 --> 00:02:40,626
Oh my god, President
Powers, you are the best.
51
00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:43,796
So come and make your way to a
bunker
52
00:02:43,829 --> 00:02:45,364
and God bless America.
53
00:02:49,535 --> 00:02:51,437
What's with all the jump cuts?
54
00:02:51,470 --> 00:02:52,538
- Trust us, this is how all the
most
55
00:02:52,571 --> 00:02:54,207
popular web videos look.
56
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:58,511
- And see now we have an extra
200 views.
57
00:02:58,544 --> 00:02:59,245
Okay.
58
00:02:59,278 --> 00:03:00,279
- That's it?
59
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,281
- It's hard to make things
go viral these days,
60
00:03:02,314 --> 00:03:03,382
I mean, people used to be
impressed
61
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:05,751
with like, Charlie Bit My
Finger.
62
00:03:05,784 --> 00:03:06,552
I don't know.
63
00:03:06,585 --> 00:03:07,553
Now you have to do something
big.
64
00:03:07,586 --> 00:03:10,223
- We're talking about
the end of the world.
65
00:03:10,256 --> 00:03:11,424
- I know what the problem is.
66
00:03:11,457 --> 00:03:12,392
People see the video
67
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:13,859
and the don't know how
long it's gonna take
68
00:03:13,892 --> 00:03:15,494
or what you're talking about.
69
00:03:15,527 --> 00:03:17,697
They want short, snackable
content.
70
00:03:17,730 --> 00:03:18,965
- What are you saying?
71
00:03:20,966 --> 00:03:21,767
What up?
72
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,469
Top five things only people
about
73
00:03:23,502 --> 00:03:26,005
to be hit by a meteor
understand.
74
00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:27,506
Number five.
75
00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:29,242
You don't bother cleaning your
kitchen,
76
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:30,376
'cause it's probably about to
77
00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:32,445
fall to the center of the Earth.
78
00:03:32,478 --> 00:03:34,413
Especially if you live in
Oklahoma,
79
00:03:34,446 --> 00:03:36,649
Kansas or western Colorado.
80
00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:37,483
Whoo!
81
00:03:37,516 --> 00:03:39,885
Seriously, western Colorado, get
out.
82
00:03:39,918 --> 00:03:41,019
Number four.
83
00:03:41,053 --> 00:03:43,322
You're kind of glad you'll
never finish Call of Duty.
84
00:03:43,355 --> 00:03:44,657
The new one sucks.
85
00:03:44,690 --> 00:03:45,625
What's Call of Duty?
86
00:03:45,658 --> 00:03:47,793
Is that a Tom Clancy novel?
87
00:03:47,826 --> 00:03:50,263
Isn't this almost the same
thing?
88
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:50,997
I mean, are you telling me
people
89
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:52,431
really listen more because I put
90
00:03:52,464 --> 00:03:54,867
numbers in front of my talking
points?
91
00:03:54,900 --> 00:03:57,270
- One, yes it is.
92
00:03:57,303 --> 00:04:00,506
Two, yes they do.
93
00:04:00,539 --> 00:04:01,674
- And the number one thing that
94
00:04:01,707 --> 00:04:04,744
only someone who's about to
get hit by a meteor gets,
95
00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:06,545
a spot in one of our bunkers.
96
00:04:06,578 --> 00:04:07,513
Get in our bunker.
97
00:04:07,546 --> 00:04:08,881
Please go to a bunker.
98
00:04:08,914 --> 00:04:10,483
You'll die if you don't.
99
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:12,385
I shouldn't have to work this
hard.
100
00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:12,885
Please.
101
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:13,586
Well, it's stupid.
102
00:04:13,619 --> 00:04:18,658
Well, at least it got 170 views!
103
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:20,493
- Here's the thing Madam
President.
104
00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:21,661
Our video is great, but.
105
00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:25,831
- But most content is driven
by young Caucasian males,
106
00:04:25,864 --> 00:04:28,901
so you mentioned video
games, which is great.
107
00:04:28,934 --> 00:04:29,768
Good job.
108
00:04:29,802 --> 00:04:32,371
But unfortunately you insulted
them,
109
00:04:32,404 --> 00:04:37,310
so your account was reported
for cyber terrorism.
110
00:04:37,343 --> 00:04:38,278
- Excuse me?
111
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:40,613
- It's okay, we apologized to
those people
112
00:04:40,646 --> 00:04:43,449
and we made you a new account.
113
00:04:43,482 --> 00:04:45,951
You're now PresidentPowers_1.
114
00:04:45,984 --> 00:04:47,486
- And now we're good to go.
115
00:04:47,519 --> 00:04:48,587
- We're running out of time,
people,
116
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:51,524
so if you have an idea, let's
try it.
117
00:04:57,963 --> 00:04:59,799
Hi, I'm the President
118
00:04:59,832 --> 00:05:01,867
and this is a really
cute puppy.
119
00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:05,438
He's just gonna sit here while
I play some kind of video
game. Here we go.
120
00:05:06,538 --> 00:05:09,342
Okay so, oh, I've got a gun.
121
00:05:09,375 --> 00:05:10,343
They're shooting at me.
122
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,477
Stop, no.
123
00:05:11,510 --> 00:05:12,178
I died.
124
00:05:12,211 --> 00:05:13,913
Luckily, this is just a game.
125
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:15,681
Not like real life,
where you'll die forever
126
00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:17,049
if you don't get to the bunkers.
127
00:05:17,082 --> 00:05:17,883
But don't take it from me.
128
00:05:17,916 --> 00:05:18,717
- Take it from a
bunch
129
00:05:18,751 --> 00:05:21,721
of college girls in low cut
shirts.
130
00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:27,993
- Pan up, you're not getting
their faces.
131
00:05:34,466 --> 00:05:35,968
- That sucked.
132
00:05:36,001 --> 00:05:37,803
- Why is this so hard?
133
00:05:37,836 --> 00:05:40,473
I got Florida and Ohio to vote
for me.
134
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,608
I can't get them to spare
90 seconds for a video?
135
00:05:42,641 --> 00:05:44,510
- This one did even
worse than the last two.
136
00:05:44,543 --> 00:05:46,412
- Alright, I'll just make
another video
137
00:05:46,445 --> 00:05:47,380
and something that's a little
more
138
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,314
of a viral kind of a thing.
139
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,083
- The problem isn't the video,
it's you.
140
00:05:51,116 --> 00:05:53,152
The internet hates you, you're
boring.
141
00:05:53,185 --> 00:05:54,019
You don't do vape tricks,
142
00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:56,522
you don't even try to show your
tits.
143
00:05:56,555 --> 00:05:57,890
We need someone who
knows what they're doing.
144
00:06:00,492 --> 00:06:01,761
- What up, bitches?
145
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:03,529
I'm here from internet.
146
00:06:05,697 --> 00:06:08,667
And I heard you need
help savin' the world.
147
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:09,868
- I don't like him.
148
00:06:09,901 --> 00:06:12,538
- He has the biggest YouTube
channel of all time, ma'am.
149
00:06:12,571 --> 00:06:14,106
If anyone knows what
they're doing, it's him.
150
00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:15,808
- Okay, I'm gonna need
makeup in here immediately
151
00:06:15,841 --> 00:06:16,776
and let's lose the pantsuit.
152
00:06:16,809 --> 00:06:18,411
When people look at you, they
need to say,
153
00:06:18,444 --> 00:06:19,712
"What an idiot."
154
00:06:19,745 --> 00:06:21,113
Does this room need to be an
oval?
155
00:06:21,146 --> 00:06:23,616
Let's get a rectangle goin'.
156
00:06:46,772 --> 00:06:49,875
50,000 views.
157
00:06:49,908 --> 00:06:52,211
Which is nothing.
158
00:06:52,244 --> 00:06:55,147
- That's it then?
159
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:55,581
We failed.
160
00:06:55,614 --> 00:06:57,183
- Not just yet.
161
00:06:57,216 --> 00:06:59,018
I still have one more idea.
162
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:01,654
Lose the President, lose
the depressing meteors
163
00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:02,988
and the boring bunkers.
164
00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:06,559
Let's focus on what is working
about this.
165
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,126
Me.
166
00:07:07,159 --> 00:07:08,027
- But then what will?
167
00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:10,162
- Not now!
168
00:07:10,195 --> 00:07:11,530
This is our last shot.
169
00:07:11,563 --> 00:07:12,999
- Don't ruin this!
170
00:07:19,571 --> 00:07:21,073
- What up guys, it's Pimple Day.
171
00:07:21,106 --> 00:07:24,110
I got this bad boy here
just itchin' to pop.
172
00:07:24,576 --> 00:07:25,644
Ready?
173
00:07:25,677 --> 00:07:28,581
Three, two, one.
174
00:07:31,049 --> 00:07:32,885
I popped the shit out of that
zit.
175
00:07:32,918 --> 00:07:34,753
That was fire, that was fire.
176
00:07:34,786 --> 00:07:38,924
- It would've been, if
you'd mentioned the meteor.
177
00:07:38,957 --> 00:07:40,559
- It's a hit.
178
00:07:40,592 --> 00:07:41,961
You're not being very fire.
179
00:07:41,994 --> 00:07:43,896
- No, I'm not fire
180
00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:47,266
and I'm not viral and I'm not
snackable
181
00:07:47,299 --> 00:07:51,937
or clickable or buzzing or
sizzling
182
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,039
or trending or twirbuling
183
00:07:54,072 --> 00:07:57,577
or whatever stupid word you're
gonna come up with next!
184
00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:00,246
Get out of my way.
185
00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:01,414
Sqirbuling.
186
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,616
- I may not be able to get
the people into the bunkers,
187
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:06,719
but I'm gonna take these 500
million views
188
00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:10,189
and I'm gonna shove 'em up your
ass!
189
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:15,127
- Tell me somebody got that.
190
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:15,961
You got that!
191
00:08:15,994 --> 00:08:16,662
- Yeah.
192
00:08:16,695 --> 00:08:19,598
Oh, we're sqirbulin' right now.
193
00:08:19,631 --> 00:08:21,033
Like and subscribe.
194
00:08:21,066 --> 00:08:21,934
- Shut up!
195
00:08:37,616 --> 00:08:38,584
Yeah.
196
00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:43,889
It's so dumb.
197
00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:46,025
Ow.
198
00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:49,728
Shove 'em up your ass!
199
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,134
- And now
introducing
200
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:58,070
the 46th President of the United
States,
201
00:08:58,103 --> 00:08:59,071
Dilden.
202
00:08:59,104 --> 00:09:01,807
- Hey, what's
up my fellow Americans?
203
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,309
First, thanks so much for
electing
204
00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:06,612
me president of the remains of
the United States of America.
205
00:09:06,645 --> 00:09:08,747
I have the best fans.
206
00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:10,683
I look forward to serving this
country
207
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,918
with the help of your new vice
president,
208
00:09:12,951 --> 00:09:15,187
an animated GIF from Hey Arnold.
209
00:09:15,220 --> 00:09:18,157
I hear people say that America
is broken.
210
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:19,992
America isn't what it once was.
211
00:09:20,025 --> 00:09:22,127
America was destroyed by a
meteor.
212
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,996
Well, I have a word for these
people.
213
00:09:24,029 --> 00:09:25,331
Haters.
214
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:27,833
It doesn't matter what the
haters say.
215
00:09:27,866 --> 00:09:30,235
We should just be proud of who
were are.
216
00:09:30,268 --> 00:09:33,005
Love yourself, whether
you're a global super power
217
00:09:33,038 --> 00:09:34,673
or a series of bunkers scattered
218
00:09:34,706 --> 00:09:38,043
across a continentaly
large smoldering crater.
219
00:09:38,076 --> 00:09:39,378
Stay awesome, you guys
220
00:09:39,411 --> 00:09:43,115
and stay awesome the
United States of America.
15557
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