Original subtitles

- My fellow Americans,

I speak to you tonight with an urgent message.

In six days, a meteor is expected to strike Earth.

One hour after the meteor's strike,

tidal waves will flood the entire Eastern seaboard.

Massive earthquakes will shake the whole nation

and then all the world will plunge into darkness.

I know this sounds hopeless, but we can survive.

As Commander in Chief,

it's my job to protect the American people

against every eventuality.

My government has constructed reinforced

bunkers throughout this great nation,

filled with food and water to last for 100 years.

All you have to do is get your family to the closest bunker.

Please don't panic, there's enough room for everyone.

It won't be easy, but we will survive.

Just pay attention and follow directions.

Goodnight

and may God bless America.

207 views?

- Yeah, but it's about to update,

so it's now up to 248 views.

- That's it?

The speech has been online for 10 hours.

I'm telling people the world is about to end.

- People think politics are boring.

- Okay, okay.

That's just the internet.

We broke into all the major TV news broadcasts, right?

- Yeah.

Penetration of our message to

Caucasians over 60 is doing great.

I mean, our Miami Beach bunker is almost full, so.

- Just old people?

How are they supposed to continue the human race?

Frankly, they shouldn't be allowed in the bunkers anyway.

- But they are, because you built a shit ton of bunkers.

- I did that. I built a shit ton of bunkers.

So, how are we going to get people to watch this?

- Uh, hey guys.

So today, I want to talk about

the big meteor that's gonna crash into the planet.

Yeah, it's a total bummer that everyone's gonna die.

But you can survive if you make it

to one of the thousands of bunkers

we built just for this occasion.

What?

Cray cray!

Oh my god, President Powers, you are the best.

So come and make your way to a bunker

and God bless America.

What's with all the jump cuts?

- Trust us, this is how all the most

popular web videos look.

- And see now we have an extra 200 views.

Okay.

- That's it?

- It's hard to make things go viral these days,

I mean, people used to be impressed

with like, Charlie Bit My Finger.

I don't know.

Now you have to do something big.

- We're talking about the end of the world.

- I know what the problem is.

People see the video

and the don't know how long it's gonna take

or what you're talking about.

They want short, snackable content.

- What are you saying?

What up?

Top five things only people about

to be hit by a meteor understand.

Number five.

You don't bother cleaning your kitchen,

'cause it's probably about to

fall to the center of the Earth.

Especially if you live in Oklahoma,

Kansas or western Colorado.

Whoo!

Seriously, western Colorado, get out.

Number four.

You're kind of glad you'll never finish Call of Duty.

The new one sucks.

What's Call of Duty?

Is that a Tom Clancy novel?

Isn't this almost the same thing?

I mean, are you telling me people

really listen more because I put

numbers in front of my talking points?

- One, yes it is.

Two, yes they do.

- And the number one thing that

only someone who's about to get hit by a meteor gets,

a spot in one of our bunkers.

Get in our bunker.

Please go to a bunker.

You'll die if you don't.

I shouldn't have to work this hard.

Please.

Well, it's stupid.

Well, at least it got 170 views!

- Here's the thing Madam President.

Our video is great, but.

- But most content is driven by young Caucasian males,

so you mentioned video games, which is great.

Good job.

But unfortunately you insulted them,

so your account was reported for cyber terrorism.

- Excuse me?

- It's okay, we apologized to those people

and we made you a new account.

You're now PresidentPowers_1.

- And now we're good to go.

- We're running out of time, people,

so if you have an idea, let's try it.

Hi, I'm the President

and this is a really cute puppy.

He's just gonna sit here while I play some kind of video game. Here we go.

Okay so, oh, I've got a gun.

They're shooting at me.

Stop, no.

I died.

Luckily, this is just a game.

Not like real life, where you'll die forever

if you don't get to the bunkers.

But don't take it from me.

- Take it from a bunch

of college girls in low cut shirts.

- Pan up, you're not getting their faces.

- That sucked.

- Why is this so hard?

I got Florida and Ohio to vote for me.

I can't get them to spare 90 seconds for a video?

- This one did even worse than the last two.

- Alright, I'll just make another video

and something that's a little more

of a viral kind of a thing.

- The problem isn't the video, it's you.

The internet hates you, you're boring.

You don't do vape tricks,

you don't even try to show your tits.

We need someone who knows what they're doing.

- What up, bitches?

I'm here from internet.

And I heard you need help savin' the world.

- I don't like him.

- He has the biggest YouTube channel of all time, ma'am.

If anyone knows what they're doing, it's him.

- Okay, I'm gonna need makeup in here immediately

and let's lose the pantsuit.

When people look at you, they need to say,

"What an idiot."

Does this room need to be an oval?

Let's get a rectangle goin'.

50,000 views.

Which is nothing.

- That's it then?

We failed.

- Not just yet.

I still have one more idea.

Lose the President, lose the depressing meteors

and the boring bunkers.

Let's focus on what is working about this.

Me.

- But then what will?

- Not now!

This is our last shot.

- Don't ruin this!

- What up guys, it's Pimple Day.

I got this bad boy here just itchin' to pop.

Ready?

Three, two, one.

I popped the shit out of that zit.

That was fire, that was fire.

- It would've been, if you'd mentioned the meteor.

- It's a hit.

You're not being very fire.

- No, I'm not fire

and I'm not viral and I'm not snackable

or clickable or buzzing or sizzling

or trending or twirbuling

or whatever stupid word you're gonna come up with next!

Get out of my way.

Sqirbuling.

- I may not be able to get the people into the bunkers,

but I'm gonna take these 500 million views

and I'm gonna shove 'em up your ass!

- Tell me somebody got that.

You got that!

- Yeah.

Oh, we're sqirbulin' right now.

Like and subscribe.

- Shut up!

Yeah.

It's so dumb.

Ow.

Shove 'em up your ass!

- And now introducing

the 46th President of the United States,

Dilden.

- Hey, what's up my fellow Americans?

First, thanks so much for electing

me president of the remains of the United States of America.

I have the best fans.

I look forward to serving this country

with the help of your new vice president,

an animated GIF from Hey Arnold.

I hear people say that America is broken.

America isn't what it once was.

America was destroyed by a meteor.

Well, I have a word for these people.

Haters.

It doesn't matter what the haters say.

We should just be proud of who were are.

Love yourself, whether you're a global super power

or a series of bunkers scattered

across a continentaly large smoldering crater.

Stay awesome, you guys

and stay awesome the United States of America.