Original subtitles

- Oh, his laugh.

- Her smile.

- His ambition.

- The way she looks at me when we wake up.

- His teeth.

- Her teeth.

- You like my teeth?

- I love your teeth.

- Come and get my teeth.

- I love watching people kiss.

I'm Martin Whistlebottom, CEO of Soulmate,

the app that finds your perfect match.

It's not a list of potential dates,

it's one person, your soulmate.

- I want you inside me.

- Will I get to watch you kiss them on the lips?

Oh, gosh, I'd sure like to.

Stop swiping, stop searching, start loving.

- We found ours.

- Find yours.

- Soulmate. Find yours.

- Kortiri?

- Hi Seth.

- Go to the marketplace and download Soulmate.

- Downloading now.

- Welcome to Soulmate. Find yours.

Before beginning, please carefully read the Terms of--

- Agree.

- Great.

Soulmate works by analyzing your browser history.

Do we have your permission--

- Yes.

- Great.

Can we take a photo of you for your match?

- Uh, yeah, let me just, uh--

- Great. Finding your true Soulmate is just one step away.

To match, just say "find mine".

- Find mine.

- Great. Here goes.

No match found.

- Redo the search.

- No match found.

- Redo the search.

- No match found.

- See?

- It matches everybody, I don't understand.

- I called the company and complained

and the girl who answered hung up.

She said I was screwing with her.

- Some girls like that.

- Whatever, there's no way it really works.

- Are you kidding me?

It's how we met.

- Yeah. I don't know anyone who didn't

meet through Soulmate anymore.

I mean, look.

- Gross.

- Oh, you're just being bitter.

- Yeah, you're being a bitter boy.

You're being like a bitter...

Like if, like, you're being bitter--

Like if you were a...

- Yeah, you got it babe.

- Okay.

- You got something...

- Oh, like a black coffee!

- There you go!

You're a black coffee boy.

- Here we go, three Cabernets.

Did I hear you say you wanted a black coffee?

- No, evidently I'm being a "black coffee boy".

- Oh. Well, that's too bad,

'cause I only serve green tea boys.

- Oh no, oh. You can't have Cabernet with tomato sauce.

- Ugh, all right.

Other than being a weird dick about wine,

you're a good guy and you'll find a match.

Go to the company and complain.

- What, like, go to the corporate headquarters?

No. I'm not that desperate.

I will find someone without some--

- Excuse me.

Excuse me!

- Oh!

- Welcome to Burger King.

Sorry. Um, eh-hem.

Welcome to Soulmate. Find yours.

- Um, my app isn't working.

- Um, sir, you're gonna want to talk to technical support.

This is a business where work is done, so.

- Get 'em, Paul.

- I love you.

- I love you so much.

- I love you.

- I did.

I don't have a match.

- Make the call.

- It happened.

- Mr. Whistlebottom?

- So, you're the boy without a match?

- Hi.

Um, your app is broken.

- Have a seat. Do you want a bourbon?

No, that's right, I read your data.

You like wine, don't you?

- Your app is broken.

- No it isn't.

- But you said, in your commercial,

you said that there was someone for everyone.

- Well, yeah, just not for you.

You're not quite right for anybody.

You're the seven billionth wheel.

The world's second best.

- What's wrong with me?

- Nothing!

I mean, except for the kind of a dick about the wine thing.

But no, it's just that you don't fit anybody.

- I want love.

- Well sure, sure you do. Love is great.

Think of it this way.

You get to be the fun-loving single friend.

The guy who throws the bachelor parties,

who takes the husbands out on guys night out,

who gets drugs for the couple on holidays.

- That's the most depressing thing

I've ever heard in my life.

Aren't there any single women who don't use your app?

- Well, coma patients.

My heart really goes out to you, son, it does.

You know, I wish there was something I could do for you.

Except, I can refund you the $20.00 you spent on the app.

You cash this at First National,

they know me pretty well over there, if you catch my drift.

- That's it?

- Oh, chin up, young man.

Love is a game for fools and scoundrels.

- Who said that?

- Well, I did.

So, be well.

All right, there's the door.

Might as well go through it,

because you're really depressing me.

- You could try dudes.

- Are you just wearing underwear?

- Why would I get dressed?

I didn't realize it, but everything I do in my life

is to get into a relationship.

And now that I know that's off the table,

like, know, I kinda don't care about anything.

- Here we go. Can I get you anything else to drink?

- A whole bottle of wine.

- Uh, any particular kind?

- Whatever's cheap.

- Okay.

- Well, something rustic.

- I can't watch this.

You turned into like a...

You were kinda like a, like a--

- Okay. It's cheap but it's got a nice spice to it

and cherry in the mid-pallet.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- Um, excuse me.

I'm sorry if this is forward but after your shift,

would you like to get a drink with my friend here?

- Oh, I have a boyfriend.

- Okay. How about just as friends?

- Sure. Okay, yeah.

Probably be a good story.

- Oh, good, another friend.

- It'll get you out of the house.

- Yeah, man. Gotta get out of the the house

or you're gonna turn into like a...

Like a...

- Like a...

- Like a.

- Like a...

- Like a.

- Like a!

- Like a?

- Oh, I like-a you.

I like-a you, I like-a---

- I love-a! I love-a!

- I love-a, I love-a!

- And the good thing is that in Florida,

there's always someone nearby who knows

how to wrestle an alligator.

- Or point you towards the nearest

wrap-around sunglasses store?

- Right, yeah. There's a great one

over on Water Street, actually.

- Oh, I'll bet.

- Where are you from?

- Ohio.

- Oh.

- Hi.

- Oh!

- Ahaha.

- Can I get you guys something?

- I'll take an earthy Pinot,

maybe something from the Willamette Valley if you've got it,

otherwise a Burgundy.

- And for you?

- Same.

- Nice guy.

- So, you met your boyfriend on Soulmate?

- Yeah, uh, Tim. He's pretty awesome.

- Oh, good.

- And you?

You, uh, obviously prefer boxers.

- Do you ever think about what it was like before Soulmate?

How can I- er, um...

How did people find love?

- I guess they just roamed around

and hoped for the best, right?

They would meet and go on dates

and then they'd make things work

even if it wasn't totally perfect.

I guess that's what I'd do if my boyfriend ever died.

That's a horribly dark thing to say.

- And here we go.

- Thank you.

Well hey, this is fun. To pals.

- To pals.

- Great nose.

- Having trouble finding happiness?

At Brakesmate, we know that sometimes you have to

take matters into your own hands.

Our app tells you where the brakeline is

on every make and model car and how to dismantle it.

Over time, every relationship ends. Why not choose when?

Our patented technology will make it look like an accident.

Stop swiping, stop searching, start brakeline cutting,

Brakesmates. Find Brakes.