Original subtitles

- This is truly unprecedented.

- Josh, we're making dinner.

Turn off the boob tube, you knucklehead!

- Okay, Dad.

- Hello, America.

Do not adjust your television sets.

The Coalition for Transparency

has taken over this broadcast.

Too long, people have hidden their truths.

The world needs transparency now more than ever.

Two hours from now, your world will change.

Two hours from now, we will know all.

Two hours from now,

we will reveal your search histories.

- That's ridiculous!

- Yeah, right.

Oh big whoop, okay.

- Wow.

Well, I guess I know I'm gonna delete

my search history once I get home.

- Folks, our producers

will figure out what that was,

in the meantime let's go back to--

- Honey, do you know where I put my grey suit?

I just remembered I need it for tomorrow.

- I think it's--

- The laundry room.

Don't worry, I'll get it.

- Oh shoot, it's Wednesday.

I have to take,

I forgot tennis.

I'm so forgetful!

- Yeah, me too.

- Olive, how was piano this week?

- Folks, thank you for sticking with us.

We are now hearing that

even if you delete your local search history,

it will still be available somewhere else.

Meaning, in all likelihood, it will be released.

Sorry, Parm.

- That's gonna be really bad.

- It's fine.

- I must get ahead of this one, end quote.

Making our new president the second one

to be sworn in, in the last hour.

Now, if you are just joining us,

we are trying to understand how the exposure

of our search histories will effect us.

Joining us is Victor Sussman,

he is an expert in cyber terrorism from MIT,

thank you so much for being here.

- Gosh, thanks for having me Parm.

Basically, the long and short of this is,

well,

this is the worst thing that could ever happen.

- Wow, really?

- Really.

What was your last Google search?

- What are you guys drinking?

- Just juice.

Hey, your dad and I think we have a pretty good idea.

- Your mom's the brains here.

All credits to her.

- If everyone's search history is out there,

then we should all agree not to look at it.

- Yes, as a family we shouldn't invade each other's privacy.

- Why?

- Olive.

Nothing good can come of looking at it.

It's silly, really.

- Well are you hiding something?

- No, are you?

- No.

- Well I know I'm not,

and I don't think anyone in this house is,

and that's the point.

We should all just love and respect each other.

- Folks, for the first time in US history,

in just under two hours,

we have seen five presidents resign from office.

This is--

- Sorry to cut you off, Parm,

but the moment of truth is here.

It's happening in

five,

four,

three,

two,

one,

now.

- Well, it seems like nothing's happening here, so.

- No Parm, we are getting word that the website is live.

- Look, this is gonna take a long time to figure out.

Who can figure out what?

No, it looks like it's incredibly intuitive, actually.

I can just type in your name, Parm Daniels,

and your whole search history comes up

in this really impressively organized database.

It's amazing.

- Please.

- Wait, Parm, what are frisbee boys?

- Gimme that.

Dammit.

- That's my personal property, Parm.

- Okay, this is happening.

All tablets and phones into the tool box.

- No matter what happens out there,

we're going to weather this storm as a family.

- So, how's--

- Is that Mrs. Talbot?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, it was.

- Where are you going?

- To get more water.

- Oh, sorry.

Have you heard from work?

- Yeah, it's fine.

CEO skipped town,

so I may have to find something new.

- How 'bout some music?

Let's turn on the radio.

- The radio?

- We interrupt this music

to bring you breaking news out of Washington,

where our sixth president in two hours

is currently being impeached.

- Ladies and gentlemen, the press,

thank you for coming here.

All I did was search for a human-chimpanzee hybrid.

I heard a rumor that they might exist,

and just thought it was weird,

and wanted to look it up.

I am not currently creating genetically modified soldiers.

Someone just told me about it one day,

and my curiosity got the best of me!

I just wanted to know what it would look like!

- I kinda get where he's coming from.

- You know, Olive's been gone for a while.

- Olive, no!

- Wait, let's think about this.

- Right, let's all just stay calm and use our heads.

- You guys would not be acting like this

if you did not have something to hide.

- Tell us then!

- Kids, you're telling me you've never

searched for something weird?

- I mean, yeah, but I want to know.

- Wait, wait, no don't!

- Jim, man-up and help me out.

- Don't you touch.

No!

- Dad, what is 'is dad bod cool?'

- It's nothing!

I was joking!

- What about 'centaurs real?'

Are you that dumb?

- Josh, please!

- You actually thought the centaurs were real?

You're a sad, stupid man.

- I wasn't sure!

Joshie, both halves are independently real.

- That makes no sense!

- You wanna do this?

- Let's go!

- You wanna do this boy?

- Yeah, let's go.

- You searched for 'ass yacht.'

What?

- Yeah, so?

- Ass yacht?

- Yeah, ass yacht.

- Olive, just come out sweetheart.

None of us have to be embarrassed

or upset about anything we've searched.

It's all normal.

- Why did you search 'where to get burner phone?'

- Huh?

What is that?

What is 'how to abandon car?'

- Okay, well while we're at it,

what is 'dolphin hair for girls?'

- I wanna have dolphin hair.

- Hey Jim, why are you searching 'Blake Lively married?'

- Because I just couldn't remember, alright?

Why are you searching 'European boat sex?'

- I guess I couldn't remember either.

'Kirsten Dunst married?'

- I just wanna know who's married.

- Oh, you're disgusting.

- I'm disgusting?

What the heck is 'poisoning non-lethal,' Laura?

- Shut up, pervert!

You have no idea what it's like when nobody appreciates you.

- Laura, I--

- Hey Joshua, what's a 'butt squash fetish?'

- Nothing!

You looked up how to be a dolphin.

- Yeah, because I want to be a dolphin.

- Well, that's impossible.

- No, it's not, you pervert.

- Hey!

- What does 'penis warts new' mean?

- Okay, put the racket down.

Let me explain.

What does 'new life Barbados' mean?

- Exactly what you think it does, Jim.

- Okay, everyone stop!

Stop!

Let's just say the most questionable thing

that we searched for, so that we can move on?

- Fine.

- Okay, I'll go first.

Thank you.

I searched for 'how many ounces in a gallon.'

- But you search that everyday.

- Because I just can't remember!

- There it is!

- I'm a dolphin!

- 'I'm scared of my son?'

- 'How to leave family guilt-free?'

- What's 'squash sex boat?'

- 'Words to Linkin Park Transformers song?'

- 'Do hummingbirds have feet?'

- We all looked for 'do hummingbirds have feet?'

- I thought they did, but I just couldn't remember

what they looked like.

- Well they, of course, do.

- I just wanted to see them.

- Me too.

- Wow.

What just happened here, gang?

- I think we all got a little caught up in the frenzy.

- Well isn't that what the internet's for?

To learn new things?

- Yeah, exactly.

It's normal to be curious,

and we have to accept that as a family.

Just like I accept you guys.

- I cannot wait until this is all sorted out.

- Okay, but 'Amanda Bynes married?'

Really, Dad?

- Come on.

- Guys, I--

- Victor Sussman here,

with an update on our search history crisis.

I know our viewers are eager to hear more

about the unfolding crisis, so let me just say this.

We know now that hundreds,

maybe even thousands of people

searched for 'safe to shave ass hair.'

Not just me, okay?

And when you consider it is, in fact, that many people,

really, and frankly, it's weird if you think that I'm weird!

So, let's just keep that in mind, okay?

We will get through this crisis,

and in-time, no one will even remember

that I searched for 'penis stuck in printer,'

and they will stop asking me questions about it,

because, okay, America, it doesn't matter whether

if it was my penis or somebody else's penis,

or how that would frankly even work in the first place.

It's not that big of a deal, guys!

Let's just stop talking about it, please.

I'm a respected professional,

and you are tearing down my reputation.

Everybody searches about their dick, guys.