Original subtitles

- Can I tell you why Amazon is great?

I love how it takes care of everything.

Free deliveries with Amazon Prime,

groceries with AmazonFresh, instant reorders

with Amazon Dash, while I'm watching TV on my Fire Stick

or reading on my Kindle.

Heck, I even have the old Amazon Fire phone.

But I don't have to tell you how great Amazon is.

You know what I'm talking about.

Thanks, see ya next time Wendy.

Nice.

Hm, Amazon Foresight.

- I love ordering stuff from Amazon.

But I hate waiting for it.

- We have a lot in common, lady voice.

- That's where Foresight comes in.

Foresight analyzes my demographics,

past consumer behaviors,

and a few loosely regulated government databases

to predict what I'll need before I need it.

Amazon Foresight, you don't even have to ask.

- No, no, Mr. Martin's gonna be impressed.

- I really think you'll--

Oh, whoa, I'm so sorry.

That's awful, you're so wet.

Let me get that.

- Just get new files.

- I like your shirt.

Hey.

- Weird.

- Thanks for coming with me.

I can never get anyone to do this Pakistanian.

Hot sauce?

- Sure.

- Yeah, it's so good, it's called gut lava.

I used to eat hot peppers with my brothers.

- Hey, here's the guy.

He saved my life with a spare tire last week.

- Oh.

- Say a few of the VP's and I are going

golfing this weekend,

you got a set of clubs?

- I'm sure I will.

- All right.

- Score!

Ah, thank you Amazon Foresight.

- What?

- Nothing.

- See you at work.

- Okay.

- This is a big meeting, are you gonna be okay?

- Yeah, yeah just days like today I could really

use a drink.

- What, did I hear somebody needs drink?

Maybe this'll help.

What, what?

- She's ten years sober, asshole.

- Oh I'm, God.

- Her husband just died in a drunk driving accident.

- That's a shitty red.

Sorry, I should have said mine first.

- It's not that bad.

- That is a shitty red.

- Guys, Kim.

- Why don't you sit this one out?

- Foresight.

- Have you been drinking, sir?

- Have you been drinking?

- You lost your license?

- It's fine, it's just, I made a mistake.

I'm gonna take the bus.

- Through downtown, is that even safe?

- I don't know.

- Hey, hey!

Yo, your wallet--

- No!

- Good, Gah!

Dude, your wallet!

- Oh God, I am so sorry.

Let me give you some money.

No, please.

- That fella's rich.

Let's mug him!

Gimme that money, gimme that money!

- You're being sued for assault?

By three people?

- Yes, but only one of 'em has a case.

- What, that's not better, Chris.

You've been acting so erratically lately--

Chris, hello, are you even listening to me?

I'm telling you to leave!

- Excuse me.

- I don't trust you.

- Good Lord, Daren, what did you have for lunch,

diarrhea?

- No!

- Relax, it's a candle, what's the worst

that could happen?

- Oh my God, fire!

- It was such an improbable series of events.

I mean, first my co-worker, Daren was farting so much--

- Chris, is this your candle?

You know our policy on candles.

You know what, I would tell you to box up your things

but they're burnt.

Now get out of here!

- But I didn't light it.

Nancy, I'm so, it was, I'm so sorry,

it was Foresight.

It was Foresight.

It was Foresight!

- Chris, did you buy a sex toy?

- No, no, no, no it's not what you think.

I signed up for a service that automatically sends me

what I need.

- You think you need this?

- No, no baby.

There was a card, and then a video,

and a girl with a cool hat,

and music by white people,

and everything was going fine for a few weeks,

and then suddenly, it just started ruining my life.

- Chris, you're not making any sense.

- I'll cancel the service right now.

And I'll show you.

No.

No, baby, I swear, it was just there.

- You know what, good bye, Chris.

- It was just there!

Oh God.

It started with the blue shirt.

It was the blue shirt,

and then after that the antacids came.

And then that helped me with the hot sauce.

Ow, no!

What?

Who are you, I didn't.

Wait, should I?

Use it, no.

No, I should just throw this out.

What if that's the ironic twist?

Huh, what if I'm throwin' away my only protection?

Is this my fate?

Ah, what is happening?

Am I being manipulated?

Is this some sort of self-proclaimed

prophesy like Looper?

Like Looper, I didn't understand Looper.

Is that what you wanna hear?

I didn't understand Looper!

- Hi neighbor!

Hi, I'm so glad I caught you.

I think you got my package there.

- Your what?

- My package, in fact, I think a lot of my deliveries

have been coming here.

I accidentally plugged your address into the website.

And by the way, do you mind not telling Amazon

about this, the seller lists that as guns with two n's.

- No, no, no.

- I know, I'm surprised it worked, too.

- No, it's Amazon Foresight.

- Amazon what?

- It's Amazon Foresight.

- Amazon Foresight.

Oh, oh like you mean that April Fool's video they did?

Pretty silly, right?

Although, I think Google's are usually a little funnier.

But nothing's as funny as watching that seal

play the saxophone .

Oh no, did they get ya?

Aw, well ain't that a kick in the pants.

You know, I guess we both learned a little lesson here.

Life'll give you all the ingredients you need

but it's up to you to figure out what's your--

- Ah!

I needed that.

- Hey guys, these recordings should

cover us for the next few years with April Fool's Days.

If you love free delivery and hate getting blown

up by drones, then you'll love the all new Amazon Extortion.

With Amazon Extortion, our fleet of armed, autonomous

drones won't destroy you and everyone you love for

only $13 a month.

Next one, you rely on Amazon Prime for your packages,

AmazonFresh for your food, but what about when you

desperately need an organ transplant?

Well, now there's Amazon Heart.

The service that's there when you critically need it.

Rick, can I get some water?

Thank you.

Love reading your Kindle but wish other people could

see what you're reading?

How else will they know how smart you are?

Well, now there's Amazon Book, it's just a book.