Original subtitles

- One, two, three, four.

B-L-U-E.

- And then he stepped backwards,

and he squashed a slug with is bare foot,

and it just like exploded everywhere!

It was so cool.

- So gross.

I'm trying to eat breakfast.

- No you're not.

You're just staring at it.

What are you, nervous?

- No, I'm not!

Jeez, you're such a brat.

- Mom, can I have Sarah's milkshake?

She's not hungry.

- I remember the day I got sorted.

I didn't sleep a wink,

and I only managed half a shake

before I threw-up everywhere.

- Did you know?

You know, where you'd be placed?

- Well, no, I wasn't sure.

But then I wasn't surprised, either!

The quiz is very accurate.

- I wish I knew what was on it.

- Well if you knew, it wouldn't be fair, now would it?

- You nervous?

God, I was.

I only managed half a shake before I puked everywhere.

That's what makes us Monica's I guess.

Very highly strung.

- I can't believe our little girl's finally going

to find out which of the friends from 'Friends' she is?

- I've got a pretty good guess.

- Yeah, everyone knows she's gonna be a Gunther!

- Oliver, take that back!

- I'm just kidding.

- We'll be there for you, kiddo,

however you get sorted.

- 'Cause you're there for us too.

That's how it works!

- I'll be there for you, Sarah.

- I'll be there for you, Alex.

- Have you studied?

Man, I don't know what I'd do if I hadn't studied.

- Everyone knows you can't study, you liar.

Aren't you nervous?

- Are you kidding me?

Could I be any more of a Phoebe?

- Can you stop messing around?

The Rachel is coming.

- You are such a Ross.

- I'll be there for you.

- I'll be there for you.

- For many years,

our society lived in conflict and strife.

Life was hard.

Our jobs were a joke.

We were broke,

and a nuclear holocaust wiped out most of humanity.

But, we finally came to the fundamental truth.

That every member of society

fits snugly into one of six types.

The Monica's.

Practical and nurturing.

The Ross's.

Scientific, yet lovable.

The Phoebe's.

Such creative forces.

The Chandler's.

Oh, just the funniest.

The Joey's.

- How you doin'?

- Loyal and charming.

And of course, the Rachel's.

Natural born leaders, with a flare for fashion.

They were all so different,

but they somehow all worked so well together,

despite their differences,

because they were friends.

Today is a very special day,

when our bright, young people are given their futures.

So, let us begin, shall we?

Gunther's, please prepare the quiz.

- Anything for you, the Rachel.

Okay, you know what?

That's gross.

Please, just do your job.

- Alex Andrews.

- Knew it!

Come here, buddy.

Here's your bowler shirt.

- Winston Banks.

- How you doin'?

- Yeah, welcome brother!

- Sarah Brand.

- Carrie?

- Who's Carrie?

- I have no idea what--

- Friends!

Friends!

Let's just take a brief adjournment

while the leader of the six houses

discuss this minor technical hiccup, shall we?

Miss Brand, go with me.

- Oh, okay.

- We are on a break!

- So can I still go, or what?

I just like taking tests.

- You're such a Ross!

- There must be a glitch in the system!

The system is fool-proof.

The Ross's have gone over the quiz time and time.

- What if she picked a set of answers

that no one's ever picked before?

- Okay.

That's about as likely as a Gunther ending up with a Rachel.

Am I right?

- She could be a Carrie, why not?

- A 'Sex and the City' character in the 'Friends' universe?

They're two totally different New Yorks!

- We had a 'Mad About You' crossover.

- This is not 'Mad About You!'

Okay, now our entire system of government

is predicated on people knowing

which one of the friends from 'Friends' they are!

Do you guys wanna go back to when times were bad?

Huh?

When we weren't there for each other?

When the rain started to fall.

Is that what you want?

Because that's what you're,

don't touch me!

- Yeah, if we let her be a Carrie,

we might as well tell everyone about the other quizzes.

- There are other quizzes?

- Ross and Rachel, just because

you guys are each other's lobsters,

you think you can walk all over the rest of us.

- Yeah, this is supposed to be an ensemble,

and if anyone knows that, it's us Joey's!

I mean, we just don't work on our own.

God knows we tried.

- Why don't we just make her a stupid Gunther,

and be done with it, okay?

- Excuse me!

There are other quizzes?

- If there were other quizzes,

they would be meaningless,

not even worth mentioning--

- Seize her!

Hello, Gunther's, I'm talking to you.

Seize her!

- Alright, you two go that way.

You, come with me.

- Come with me if you want to live.

- Wait, aren't you the downstairs neighbor

who was complaining about all the noise from 'Friends?'

- Used to be.

Not anymore.

Now I'm the Rock.

Welcome to the resistance.

- The Rock, really?

- You wanna see it?

- I mean, you know it's just you made

a 'Terminator' reference earlier,

so I figured you'd be Schwarzenegger or something.

- Come with me.

There are some people I want you to meet.

- But, you're all,

how?

- We all took the 'Which Friend from Friends Are You' quiz.

First, we lived as everyone else did,

with a tiny voice in our head

saying something wasn't right.

Until we realized our true selves.

- I used to be a Ross, it seems so ridiculous now.

We don't know how you did it Sarah, but you beat it.

You beat the quiz.

It's a miracle.

- But how do you know you were who you are?

- It's a Motorola.

- Got mine at Radio Shack.

- We're helping the people we can,

it's just that there's so few of these quiz machines left.

It's a painfully slow process.

It's also a pain in the ass.

- We've been trying to find a way to do it manually,

but we haven't been able to figure anything out.

- Does anyone have a notepad and some colored markers?

- Well it's seems this little Monica's upstart daughter

has ideas above her station.

Well, there's only one form of punishment

fit for this kind of treachery.

But, it seems Sarah is hiding away.

Well, it seems almost unfair that no one should suffer.

Bring out the turkey of shame!

- Sarah, save yourself!

I'll always be there for you!

- Sarah, you have the power to end this!

Just bring back the laptop,

and everything will go back to normal.

- Citizens of New York, California,

our leaders have been keeping something from us.

Something we all deserve to know.

There are more quizzes!

- Don't listen to her!

She's, she's stuck in second gear.

- On my mark, get ready to drop your truth bombs.

Mark!

- What is it?

What are those?

- It's the other quizzes.

- Don't look at those!

Don't look at these!

No, don't look at those!

- Oh my God, I'm a Frasier!

I'm a Frasier!

- I'm a Posh Spice.

I always felt it, but now I know.

- Yeah, I'm definitely still a Ross.

- Oh!

- Why are you doing this, Sarah?

I thought you were my lobster.

- I might be your lobster, but you're not my Mr. Big.

- Can I at least be your Peeta?

- No, you're my Gale.

I love you, but we're just not destined to be together.

- Oh, spoiler alert!

- No, please!

Please, I'll give you anything.

I'll give you my Central Perk apron.

I'll give you my Calvin Klein jeans.

I'll give you my hair straighteners.

Please, I just don't want to die!

- Do I look like I need hair straighteners?

- We are not friends anymore!

- And so, as the world as we knew it

stood in ashes around us,

I asked myself some fundamental questions.

If anyone can be anything,

does knowing what you are still have worth?

Does friendship mean anything if you're forced into it?

And, would I look cute as a blonde?