Original subtitles

Balki, you'll never guess who I just had coffee with.

The mayor!

That's right. The mayor of Chicago!

Well, I didn't actually have coffee with him

I‐I brought it but I was there when he drank it.

Since I started working at the news paper

this kinda thing happens all the time.

Well, not all the time but a lot.

A lot.

Yeah, I can't believe it.

Last week I was selling key chains at the Ritz discount.

And now I'm working for a major Chicago newspaper!

That's, that's nice.

Nice? It's terrific!

Balki, I'm the city editor's right‐hand man.

Well, not his right‐hand man exactly.

Like I mean, you know, I just

run errands for him, you know, but who cares?

I have my foot in the door.

I'm finally on my way.

The sky's the limit.

Is that a hockey puck?

Yes, cousin.

It landed right next to me in that empty seat.

It's a good thing you weren't there.

You'd have a puck shaped whole in the middle of your head

and looked like a piggy bank.

The hockey game.

We were supposed to go to the hockey game tonight.

I got you an Italian beef sandwich.

With no peppers.

I know how they make you puff up and turn red.

I‐I'm so sorry.

I completely forgot.

You have every right to be angry with me.

‐ Oh, cousin, I'm not angry. ‐ Oh, thank you.

I'm just lonely and...

...I guess, a little hurt.

Well, Balki‐‐

I'm just lonely and hurt

and I guess, a little disappointed.

‐ Well, Balki‐‐ ‐ I‐I'm just lonely and hurt.

Disappointed and...

...I guess a little angry.

‐ Are you done? ‐ Yes, I am.

Well, Balki‐‐

You know, you never ask about my life.

Alright‐alright, you‐you're, absolutely right.

And I won't let it happen again.

‐ How's your life‐‐ ‐ I have no life.

I mean, I'm happy for you.

You're out there building your dream

climbing every mountain

fording every stream.

But I'm still folding sweat shirts for Mr. Twinkacetti.

And that's isn't enough anymore, is it?

Oh, cousin, you can read me like a cheap suit.

Balki, you know what you need?

A reason to live?

Well, yeah, that.

You need to go out and look for a new job

like I did.

There are thousands of jobs

right here in the newspaper.

Now, now... Why don't you just take tomorrow off

and start looking around.

‐ Will you come with me? ‐ I gotta work.

Oh, I beg your pardon, I forgot, you have a life.

Alright, alright, I'll tell you what.

Come down to the paper at lunch tomorrow

and we'll plan your strategy.

Really?

Oh, thank you, cousin.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I'm sorry, I forgot, about the game.

‐ Oh. ‐ I'll make it up to you.

‐ Oh. ‐ And this looks great.

‐ Oh. ‐ Ha, ha, I'm starving.

Yeah, you know, I...

...I guess I was a little upset.

I stuffed a lot of peppers underneath your beef.

How are you today, Mr. Feldman?

Not dead.

Okay, basement level!

Mail room, storage, archives, garage

and Appleton's desk.

‐ Hi, baby. ‐ Hi, Harriette.

Bradley, you get the mayor's conference at the city hall.

Clark, you check on the Russian ship at the pier.

See, if union lets him unload that damn thing.

‐ Applegate. ‐ Ah, that's Appleton, sir.

Did you get that list of the Aldermen

that drive foreign cars.

Yes, sir.

Good job.

Now, see, if the governor drives a foreign car.

I'll get right on it, sir.

Why is this mail stacking up here? What's going on?

Where's Gorpley?

Well, I‐I, I think, he's in his office, sir.

You'd think that the head of the mail room

could at least get the mail distributed.

Gorpley!

‐ Cousin! ‐ Balki!

Cousin, I'm sorry, I'm late.

This is the big building I've ever seen.

‐ Pretty impressive, huh? ‐ Yes!

I've finally made it to the big time.

Oh, you know, what?

I ask everybody in the building about you

and they never heard of you.

Is this your office?

It's humongous!

Oh, well, uh, actually, this is the mail room

the archives, the storeroom.

And this...

...my office.

Oh, cousin, congratulations!

You really stepped in something good this time.

Oh, I went down to classifieds

and I picked up the copy of a the want ads

before they hit the streets.

Wow!

Insider trading.

Gorpley...

...why, why is all this mail here?

This is the mail room, sir.

Are you gonna let a great metropolitan newspaper

grind to a halt

because you can't get the mail distributed?

No, I'm‐I'm, hiring someone, sir.

It's just that he can't start for a few days.

Well, I need someone in this mailroom today.

It's down the hall next to the water fountain.

I start today.

Start what?

I need a job.

What's your name?

I have no idea.

This is, uh, Balki Bartokomous, sir.

I can vouch for him.

He's trustworthy, hardworking, honest‐‐

What kind of a car does the governor drive?

Uh, I don't know, sir.

Do you think you can get that information for me today?

Do you need a dime? What is it?

No, I'll‐I'll get right on it, sir.

You need a job?

‐ Yes. ‐ We'll give you a try.

Oh, thank you!

‐ We'll see if it works out. ‐ Oh.

Gorpley will show you around.

Uh...

...I have to go now.

It's right down the hall next to the water fountain.

Myers! Did you finish that column?

I saw you, Myers!

Balki, you got the job!

Cousin, isn't it wonderful?

We'll be working together.

Now we're so happy, we do the dance of joy!

Oh, I get it.

"Cousin", I see, it's all falling into place.

What's falling into place?

Can you say, "nepotism"?

Well, it's my first day, but I give‐‐

‐ Nepotism? ‐ He asked me!

You get a job working for the city editor.

And the next you know, you start bringin' in your family.

Well, your family may have gotten you in here

but I decide if you stay.

Wait a minute?

Aren't you going to teach me

the tricks of the trade?

Figure them out for yourself.

Well, Mr. Gorpley must have

a lot of confidence in me.

Excuse me, the only thing Gorpley's got

is a nephew who needs a job

and you just took it.

Now, listen here.

You'd better be careful.

One mistake, and you gone.

Oh, thank you, thank you for the warning, M‐Mrs...

Oh, I'm sorry, uh

Balki Bartokomous, this is Harriette Winslow.

‐ Nice to meet you. ‐ How do you do?

Harriette runs the elevator here.

Oh‐h‐h.

Well, your job must have its ups and downs.

Is this elevator going up?

No, this week it's going sideways.

Come on, Balki. She's got work to do.

Hang on.

Don't do that, baby.

Okay, buddy.

Balki.

Let's see if you're qualified

to work in a mail room.

I want you to sort this mail according to zip codes.

These‐these don't have no zip code.

Hey, you wanna quit?

No, no, no!

I want to do the best job I can.

You know, what I think?

I think, this time tomorrow

you're gonna be history.

Oh, well, thank you for the vote of confidence.

I think we better wait till I've earned it.

Balki.

Cousin, look at me! I'm a mailman.

Balki, look busy. Gorpley's coming.

Look busy? I've been busy since 4:00 a. m.

Alright, Balki, watch yourself.

Be careful.

Gorpley told his secretary

He's "Gonna get rid of the kid from Mypos today."

Oh‐h‐h...

...point well taken, cousin.

Do you think he means me?

I think so.

Hang in there. You can beat this guy.

Okay.

Huff.

Bartokomous!

Well, you look like you've got time to kill.

Come here.

Come... here.

I volunteered you

to address the company Christmas cards

by hand.

And I need them this afternoon.

Uh, excuse me, uh...

Isn't it a little early for Christmas cards?

I want to avoid the holiday rush.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, well...

...thank you very much.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

I don't know why everybody calls you a slime bucket.

Applebaum!

Yes, that's Appleton, sir. Appleton.

I'm kinda short handed

so, I'm gonna turn this assignment over to you.

There are bunch of kids at the Kedzie Youth center

that are staging a demonstration.

Somebody wants to pave over their ball park

and build a parking lot.

‐ I want you to check it out. ‐ Yes, sir.

I will get you some pictures that paper will be proud of.

Pictures? I don't need pictures.

I need a story.

In your job interview, you said you'd done some reporting.

Well, that's true, sir. But my principle field is photography.

I have my own camera, my own lenses, my own film.

Now you've got your own pencil.

You can write, can't you?

Write? Oh, me? You bet.

Yes, I write constantly. I'm a writing fool.

You'll have that first thing tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

We're a daily newspaper.

I need it by 4:30 today.

Myers! I need that column! I saw you, Myers.

Cousin, I didn't know you could write.

Of course, I can, I studied journalism in college.

I know the five "W's" of reporting.

Who, what, how, when, how, no, how's an "h."

How, who‐who...

What, who, who, who...

Boy, I'm in trouble.

I finished.

I finished, 400 Christmas cards.

Who am I trying to kid?

I'm not a reporter. I'm a... litterbug.

Cousin, no, no, you're being too hard on yourself.

Cop a mellow attitude.

Now, you know, this looks pretty good to me.

"Pretty good?"

Pretty good, do you think that's what

I wanna hear from Mr. Burns

when he reads my first article, "Pretty good, Appleburg."

Appleton.

I know my name!

This is for the Chicago Chronicle.

If it's not great, I won't get a second chance.

Bartokomous!

‐ You finished? ‐ Yes, yes, yes.

I'm finished.

This is all of 'em?

Yes, I'm sorry it take so long

but I‐I thought that I would alphabeticalize them.

That okay?

You think you're pretty smart, don't you?

Well, I'm no Sam Donaldson but uh...

We'll see how smart you are.

I need 100 copies of this flier.

You've got ten minutes.

Oh, but guess what the copy machine is broke.

Hey, relax, I'm looking out for ya.

You can use the mimeograph machine.

See, I even got your stencil all ready to go.

Ten minutes, Bartokomous.

Now, if you can't do the job, I know someone who can.

Balki, you need help with the mimeograph machine?

‐ Oh, no, no, cousin. ‐ Good.

Just... point it out to me.

Oh.

Back here, look here, Just wheel it out to your table

and I'll plug it in.

Alright.

Alright. Get the stencil.

‐ Okay. ‐ Alright.

Okay, get the paper.

Paper.

‐ Paper. ‐ Okay, stencil's on.

Paper goes in here.

And you turn it on here.

‐ Get it? ‐ Got it.

Good.

‐ How's it going, Balki? ‐ Oh, it's going fine.

Just, just dandy.

You just finish your article.

‐ Balki. ‐ No, no.

‐ No problem. No problem. ‐ It goes in here.

‐ Appleby. ‐ Uh, yes, sir?

I need that article in five minutes.

Yes, sir. Appleton, sir. Appleton.

‐ Alright. ‐ Cousin, no.

‐ You have to do your article. ‐ Balki, look.

Do this, it'll just take a minute.

Cousin, you only have five minutes.

It'll be easier if I can look at it, here.

Alright, look, see, here's the problem.

You've got all these papers jammed under the drum.

Here, alright.

‐ Alright. ‐ Oh.

Get the basket.

‐ The basket? ‐ The paper basket.

The paper basket.

'I got it.'

‐ Balki! ‐ Cousin.

It's alive!

And it's hungry!

Turn it off. Turn it off!

I, uh...

I can't!

Oh! Cousin.

‐ Balki! ‐ What?

‐ Balki, the plug. ‐ What, what?

‐ The plug, the plug, the plug‐‐ ‐ The plug?

The plug, Balki.

The plug!

Ow. Ow.

I did it!

‐ Appleman. ‐ Ooh!

Where is the story?

Mr. Burns, something came up.

And I still have a bit of polishing to do.

This is, this is, news, not silverware!

I need a story.

Mr. Burns, it was my fault.

I accidently threw his article away

but I just found it.

Well, actually that's not the final‐final version.

If I could just have a, have a‐‐

It's pretty good.

Well, Mr. Burns, if I could only... pretty good?

I'd say for your first assignment, it's pretty good.

Yeah.

See you on Monday, Appleton.

Then maybe you could explain to me

why you were trying to mimeograph your tie.

‐ Balki, did you hear that? ‐ Oh.

Yes, he got your name right!

No, no.

Not that.

He said I did a great job.

Well, but he actually said was pretty good.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Which if you remember.

‐ I also said pretty good. ‐ Yeah, right.

‐ Time's up, Bartokomous. ‐ Oh! Oh!

Gorpley, uh, could I talk to you for just a second?

‐ No. ‐ Uh, Mr. Gorpley.

You have got a gold mine here.

Just look at him.

You'll never find anyone who will work this hard as he will.

How can you fire a man like that?

Mr. Gorpley, I have only 19 flyers.

I have failed you.

Yes you have. You're fired.

See how easy it was?

Well, you're not gonna get away with that.

Balki's done everything you asked him to.

You have no right to fire him.

Excuse me, sugar, you're going by this the wrong way.

Gorpley...

I was gonna save this for something big...

...but I like the kid.

Now, either he stays

or I tell your wife

what you were doing on Miss Pasarelli

in my elevator during the Christmas party.

I don't know, what you're talking about?

Can you say, "Alimony"?

Hey, I like the kid, too.

You can stay. You can finish those flyers next week.

Thank you.

Thank you, Harriette.

Well, I figured someone had to look after you.

Congratulations, Balki.

You gonna be here next week.

Well, we both be here next week.

I was here last week.

But no big deal.

Alright, let's see what Larry Appleton has to say

about the protest at the Kedzie Youth Center.

Alright, alright, alright, read it.

"Students at the Kedzie‐‐"

Let me read it.

"Students at the Kedzie Youth Center

staged a demonstration

to protest the building of a parking lot

over their ball field."

A spokesman for builders of the parking facility

promised to meet with the students

to discuss their grievances."

That was beautiful.

Well, it never even would have made it into the paper

if you hadn't fished it out of the trash.

Oh, cousin, that's okay.

You helped me, with my work when you were on that deadline.

No, I just saw you were in trouble.

But you risked your job for me.

Ah, it was instinct.

You know, Balki.

I think working together at the newspaper

is gonna be great.

Oh, I do, too.

Cousin, your first newspaper article.

Hm.

Your first of many.

And you know what?

You're going to have to buy a bigger scrapbook.

But not for a long, long time.