Original subtitles

it's a really big day for me today um

but i'm so strong and i'm going to get

through it and

i'll be honest i'm going to be

i'm going to prevail because um

i know that my honesty and i know that

my truth will get me through this and

that's the most important thing and

i've had the most beautiful life and

and i know that this is a big moment but

i'm gonna succeed i'm gonna get through

this

i am i know it

the morning of it was no i woke up and

i felt like i was preparing for a match

like it was match day it was game day

it's always really hard to be like i'm

going to

go out in front of the world and say

that i up

hello everyone thank you um for being

here on on such short notice um

i wanted to

let you know that a few days ago i

received a letter from the itf that i

had failed the drug test at the

australian open

i did fail the test and

i take full responsibility for it

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh

[Music]

my life is a very small part of the

universe

sometimes the ocean's very still and

very solid and

it's like ice

[Music]

and you only see its reflection

and other times it's so turbulent and

violent

we go through our own stillness and our

own shadows and then

we go through the waves

but they always rise and then they fall

and they rise and they fall and

sometimes it's followed by stillness and

then they come back up again and it's an

evolution

[Music]

i think the one thing about

life lessons is we never really know

when they're coming and we actually

i mean in my life i sometimes didn't

even realize that i was learning

something or i was going through a

lesson until i overcame it

[Music]

and especially after 2016

and reflecting on that

and this is certainly a situation in my

life where

i did reevaluate and i did look back

and it just gave me a sense of

i had an incredible career and i've had

my fair share of small comebacks and

injuries and surgery and oh and that's

me you see hi

but yet i've maintained a career since i

was four years old and i've had this

gift of competing and playing tennis

and all of a sudden

it's just taken away from you

it was just about getting ready to go

out and train and

um

[Music]

i looked at my email and i received an

email from the itf and

it was a subject line that caught my

attention where it had my name in the

subject and

the emails that i usually received from

the itf were all very general

speaking about the latest news and

and i opened it and then it said

something about a test

a drug test that i did in australia

and it

mentioned a name of

a supplement or a substance i did not

know it at the time i found myself

on on my ipad like 30 second seconds

later looking up what meldonium was

had never heard of that word never seen

it before

and then a packaging came up which read

mildred which i had seen many years of

of my life and i knew exactly what it

was

it's very important for you to

understand that for 10 years this

medicine was

not on wada's banned list and i had been

legally taking the medicine

for the past 10 years

but on january 1st

the rules had changed

and

meldonium became a prohibited substance

which i had not known now to that

bombshell announcement rocking the

tennis world maria sheriff the

highest-paid female athlete in the world

for more than a decade off the court a

sponsor's dream the fashion icon and

businesswoman making a whopping 30

million a five-time grand slam champion

admitting she failed she failed a drug

test this year's australian players can

be suspended for as long as four years

for a failed test he could face anything

between two and four years she's labeled

now a cheater she's 28 years old that

would be career ending well the moment

after the press conference i deleted all

my social media off my phone so that was

step one

and i think it was

it was to protect myself to protect my

sanity in that moment

um to protect myself against opinions um

against judgment the cheetahs are always

going to be a step ahead of anybody

that's tested you cannot say oh that

escaped me this is her career there's no

doubt in my mind that sheriff was taking

the substance to help her helmet

i don't think i've ever gone through my

career

questioning um what other people thought

of me it wasn't something that was very

important to me

and then something happens and and

you're like well actually you're walking

on the street and you're like do they

know do they not know what do they think

did they not

it would drown me it would literally

just upset me and and make me feel so

small and for a woman that's sick too

and and feels confident most of the time

about the what i do in my life in the

profession i'm in it's it just it it

felt really uncomfortable to feel that

small

my mom

she just made me feel

like no matter if i was ever not going

to hit a tennis ball that

that's okay

she must have spent a few weeks

sleeping next to me in bed

just making sure that i knew that

someone was always you know with me

and in a way and through this whole

process my dad's been

incredible incredible and so calm and

he's able to control a situation

when hits the fan like he's able to

take a step back

and evaluate it and re-evaluate it and

be calm and collected and cool and make

the right judgment

you know making sure that things don't

come out of anger right because in a

situation like that you can put blame on

everyone you know i could i could blame

this person i could blame

you know that person and

and it was

it was never about blaming it was about

taking control of it and

being like

we all up

you know you

me your mom our team

but this is what happened and now we're

gonna find a way to get through it

[Music]

just listen to

[Applause]

no this has ever won a singles title

here at wembley

[Applause]

17 years old becomes the third youngest

wimbledon champion of all time

i just feel like maybe i'm a bit of a

new fresh air you know in women's tennis

which which is great because you haven't

seen a lot of 17 year olds you know win

a grand slam lately so maybe we're

coming back to the old times

[Music]

champion is maria sharapova

[Applause]

and the 19 year old has her second grand

slam championship

[Applause]

and i started playing a pretty full

schedule at that point and i realized

a total decline in my health

my parents said well actually we we

don't have a doctor

you know we have an athlete that's

a grand slam champion that doesn't even

have a family doctor

and so that's the time when my father

found a doctor in russia

because i was

still a teenager

my father was kind of the captain of my

team

and america was very foreign to him even

though we'd lived here for years he was

so much more comfortable speaking to the

russian doctor

deep and bring

forward again sure

he was not a doctor that ever

you know had any work done with with an

athlete

he worked with immune systems of

children and he was actually a

pediatrician

and he did all those tests and

that gave me a list and actually was

quite an extensive list especially for a

teenager of different substances that he

recommended that i take and

milder not was one of the ten

i was given this medicine

by my doctor for

several health issues that i was having

back in 2006

i am i was getting sick a lot i was

getting the flu

every couple of months i had irregular

ekg results

so in russia mildred was an

over-the-counter

substance it's taken almost like an

aspirin back home

the doctor was receiving

paperwork from water laboratories with

an official stamp and signature saying

all the substances that he had

recommended for me to take were

completely permitted and legal

i've been tested so many times i think

around 12 times in 2015

and the previous nine years

and everything was fine

and

it was determined that meldonium was

going from the monitoring list to the

prohibited list

at the end of

2015 players were

sent emails

and there was nothing about meldonium

written front and center in any of them

it was just very disappointing to learn

what other federations did in order to

warn their athletes

because if i was warned when i would

have received that email in january i

would have at least known what the word

meldonium was

[Music]

the itf knew that there was over 20

tests in 2015 that had meldonium in

their system and some of them were my

tests

that's quite a large number

so

the fact that they had that number

and didn't do

anything extra with it is very alarming

[Music]

i'm very sure that maria did not know

this thing was on the list otherwise she

would never taken it because we are so

paranoid by taking anything that that is

uh that is on that list if she was

thought to be positive on the doping for

a certain substance then there should be

certain kind of uh

you know um consequences for that i

think most people were happy that she

was

was upfront and very honest and showed a

lot of courage to admit to what she

had done and what she had neglected to

look at in terms of the

of

the list at the end of the year she is

such a very professional team for

everybody in the tennis world i think

maria sharapova is the last person that

we expected this to happen to

when there are four or five people on

the team

everyone has a specific role so you have

a physical therapist a fitness coach a

coach

when you go here

then you're you're here

you see the difference i mean it's such

a small difference but it's a huge

impact

on the outcome

and i think i along with my team got

comfortable

with using and taking something that was

given to me for my health so many years

ago and never ever crossed my mind that

i was ever taking anything for

performance enhancing

i had a system in place that

worked for for many years on checking

the substances

i stopped working with the doctor in

russia in 2013 because i wanted to take

more of a natural approach

one of the things i didn't have after i

stopped working with him was that point

person that overlooked everything

and i continued to take three of the

substances which he had always told me

to take in mildred was one of them

and i had let my manager know

and he had the responsibility of

checking that every year

because of personal problems issues what

he had going on in his life and in 2015

he didn't check the list

so that was

his mistake and my bigger mistake was

not making sure that he checked the list

at the end of the year and that was my

mistake of being comfortable of being

satisfied that something was

completely legal and that there's no

reason for me to have to double check

i'm sorry that doesn't hold together it

was willful negligence to

to miss that i take

great responsibility and professionalism

in my job every single day and i made a

huge mistake you're running a 30 million

dollar a year sole enterprise you better

make sure that the basis for that

commercial success if nothing else

remains unassailable

i can have so many reasons to be angry i

can

think of so many people i can blame so

many people including myself

but that doesn't help you moving forward

i could fire many people

and what would that do

what would that change

i know that with this i

i face consequences

and i've

i don't want to end my career this way

and i

really hope that i will be given another

chance to play this game

in early june i got the

official wording and statement from the

itf

after my case was heard

and they had banned me for two years

the maximum that i could have received

was four years and and the minimum was

was one

i mean two years meant i had no intent

of performance enhancing

yet

it said that i

had a way of performance enhancing

um which

i think contradicts itself

very openly

and the itf also

made a big point about the fact that i

was concealing my use of meldonium

which

is far from the truth as there was no

reason for me to hide something that was

completely legal

for me to take

it was all very hurtful and it was all

very aggressive

[Music]

just felt very violating

the one thing that i've always

wanted in my career was you know i never

felt like

i don't need to be liked or loved by

everyone and and

that's not realistic

but i wanted to be respected

everybody thanks a lot for taking the

time to join me

let me make a few points

don't give me

less than i deserve no i didn't ask for

that i didn't ask for you to tell me i

could go play tomorrow

i appealed the time frame of two years

to a neutral judge

it was another chance but it was the

final chance that i had and it was the

final verdict and there was

no other appeal and there was no other

process and what i was going to get

i was going to have to live with

15 months

[Music]

oh my god

[Applause]

i am i am i can come back in april

i know

i know

i know but those i still

wanted 12 months

but it's okay

it's all right

it's okay there's a reason

there's a lot in me that's very

much a portrait of someone that just

fights and whether that's ugly whether

it's pretty i really don't care

um

i just fight for what for what i believe

is right for what i believe is my right

and what is my voice and looking back at

myself i believe that in those moments

that's who i was i was a street fighter

as i was reading the report i was just

so

you know just felt free and i felt like

it was so comforting to realize that a

neutral panel had

stated the language so clearly and

you know came out and said that

we pretty much don't agree with the itf

verdict

that maria had no intent in performance

enhancing she did not violate those

rules

she did not mask or hide her use of

milder not meldonium

she is by no means allowed to be called

an intentional doper

i think those words are pretty clear and

pretty strong

so

what's the latest update latest i'm i'm

getting

bombarded yeah

getting bombarded by a friend's family

i had statement is gold

well i mean they stood up from the

beginning and they've been

i like people with no fear

i like it

what have you spoken to your dad

he's been off the off the

radar i haven't i i s well i spoke to

him on the day

he's like why are you crying i'm like

why am i crying

what the do you mean why i'm crying

hello

it's already out daddy

yeah

yes

it is

he just told me no matter what happens

in life you need to sleep

thanks

charlie rose

okay i love you

i can't wait to get in that room right

now

to see max good where is this room

here buddy

oh

look who's here

i thought you might have lost some

weight since friday

monitoring everything hey rich how are

you how are you okay

i'm a great she's first and then have

her go to gma and then they get two

interviews out of one they don't get it

first but at least they don't have any

money left

you really

understand who your true friends are and

who you're um during a process like this

our sponsors have been amazing

i mean every one of them had the right

to terminate the contract if they wanted

to and

everyone but one state and and uh you

know and they're to see them happy with

their was rolled is just great so it's

you know like maybe we're all a little

better from it but it's been tough

[Music]

you know we've been through a lot

together i've been together since she's

12 years old and

had some amazing moments i mean

incredible moments of my life from uh

winning grand slams and then you you're

dealt this maria sharapova is here in

your mind it was an honest mistake when

i got the email that i had made a

violation

i

right away knew that my comeback was

starting that moment

this type of story in any athlete's

career

is

rightfully damaging

it's not good for anyone you know no one

wins in this situation

no the athletes not the organizations

not the sponsors nobody

i don't think setting goals is really

smart

in this position and i don't want to say

that my goal is to play the next

olympics or

it's to play

that many wimbledons

like that'd be great i know it'd be

great to experience those things but who

knows what's going to come up in life

and

that's the way i want to treat my life

in my career

[Music]

i think the way that i'm preparing is

that i'm actually not

i think that's because i've

through my whole career i've always

prepared for a tournament that's next

week or a tournament in two weeks

and i think during a time

when i had so much uncertainty and so

many question marks

i i just i learned how to be present in

a situation

it also gave me a chance like when

you're when you have this one path and

that's for me that's been tennis since i

was a young girl you know there's like

always that

you're almost scared of what what is

life without what you've had for so long

you know the moment when you're like

wow well if i don't have that every

single day what am i gonna do you know

what what am i gonna do

[Music]

middle of last year

i wore a t-shirt and it said be back in

five minutes

and the next thing i knew was my fans

started posting their pictures wearing

the t-shirt like they were going around

the world and

finding the t-shirt and then posting

their pictures

i mean there must have been hundreds and

hundreds of these posts which was so

special i think it just

makes you realize that so many people

care about what you do

and really appreciate not just tennis

but who you are yeah i think it just

made me realize how many

supporters i had

maybe if it felt like you meant like be

back in five minutes like i'll be back

coming back in five minutes right which

is far from five minutes

more like 15 months

i needed to add a one

in this past year

i just felt like i was actually able to

take control of what i wanted to do

what kind of workouts i wanted to have

where i wanted to travel who i wanted to

see who i wanted to spend time with who

i wanted advice from

and that felt really good

[Music]

i'm uh in the city

going to shoot a uh a story with annie

leibovitz for april's

vogue issue

i'm also going to be

in the new oceans movie i'm not sure

what exactly i'm doing or

um how big of a role how big or small of

a role i have but um it would be great

to be

a little piece of the ocean's movie

that's gonna be found in the night time

at the met

but first i'm going for a workout

because what do you do when you land in

new york city go

and work out

now working out to music i've never done

that in my life it's good for me good

for my mind

and it's something i started with from

the first day in march of my comeback so

i feel like i need to keep it up

no one told me that i had to go and get

stronger on a bike

you know no one told me that i had to go

in this hot room that's 105 degrees

and do hot yoga

but something

you know something like developed in my

mind where i was like i'm doing this for

my body i'm not doing this for roland

garros i'm not doing this for a

tournament in china i'm doing this for

me i'm doing it for my health i'm doing

it for my sanity i'm doing it

you know to be strong

[Music]

the reason i got into different types of

training is

because i'm an individual that gets

bored with a lot of the same training

and a lot of repetition and i'm

i'm a better athlete when i'm motivated

by new things

the one thing with boxing i was always a

little bit scared and fragile because i

was just so susceptible to getting

injured

[Music]

that time away from

playing tennis gave me a chance to do

work where i wasn't afraid of getting

[Music]

two step hurt two three and boxing is

invigorating because even though it's so

different to tennis there's a lot of

quick steps there's a lot of footwork

involved there's that having a strong

base

i think the biggest thing gave me is a

sense of concentration which i could

really

really correlate to tennis because when

you're out on the court no matter what's

going on in your life you have to be so

focused on on your game

i have the passion to

challenge myself in other areas to do

different things

and you know i've

always wanted to study

i started doing research and then i i

realized that i had a connection from

harvard they did a

harvard case study on me many years ago

and my agent and i

i called a professor there and i said

look i have three weeks time until i had

to get ready for for my next hearing

and

i said i want to study and there were

summer programs happening at the time

and

and i took two courses and looking back

at it i think

it was more of a choice to be in a

controlled environment where i was in

the subject

where people

in the room and there were about 50 of

them were not interested

in my life and my stories and my

problems

they were there to learn from someone

that was conducting a class and that to

me was

freedom really

if in the morning i wake up and i don't

want to be better at something or i

don't want to be challenged

it would feel like a wasted day

i think i've always been scared of being

one-dimensional

and i think it's also a choice that you

make as a person as a woman and

individual on what you want to do with

your life and i think it scares me to

think that i won't have things to do

when i finish my career and so that has

always

pushed me and driven me to

to take meetings which i would never

know if if they would turn into

something or meet people which i don't

know if they would have any influence or

business with me in the future but i do

it because i love

i love seeing where it can take me

i have a few set days during the year

where i

commit to my sponsors

and usually

we try to bundle them all together so i

don't have too many days that i have to

commit so like today we did an event

with super group and

we're following it up with a shoot for

head

um who's been a long time racket sponsor

of mine

let me move on to this set where we're

gonna do action this won't make sense

just because i don't hit a slice much

often yeah that's what kind of wonderful

not authentic

do you think that would work a bit

better then yeah that's better it's good

yeah nice

one more test okay one more test yeah

you know these days are are obviously

really nice because i get to

see the people that are actually behind

all the work that i get to do and the

product that is created

um so a little bit more on a personal

level which is um nice and

and just to hang out with the crew that

does my hair and makeup and i'm known

for so many years is always really fun

as well

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

i put a lot on my plate and

i sometimes

put so much on my plate that i need a

day or two to recover where i'm just in

bed and i just need to be by myself and

i'm just drinking ginger tea for 48

hours

and i get back on the horse but i do a

lot and i think

the only thing that people remember are

people's actions and i want to say

things with my actions and whether

that's on the court whether that's off

the court i believe in that so much and

i think

one of the things that my career in life

has provided me is to be able to have a

voice

[Music]

i actually decided to write a book in

2015 well before

anything had happened in the beginning

of 2016

i obviously have added a few extra

chapters to that book

and maybe made the publishers happier

because maybe you would sell a few extra

copies but that was definitely not my

plan

i think i was a little bit

i questioned why i wanted to write a

book

because i've always been a very private

and simple individual and i never

i don't think

a big part of me allowed many people

into my life

and i think there wasn't a time or a

moment where i said i'm going to be more

open or i want to share more of my life

i think it just comes with experience

and it comes with personal growth

i think my form of friendships has

always been

when can i see this person or when can

we make time to see each other because

all my friends have

jobs in very different fields and they

live all around the world and

for once they weren't relying on

on my schedule

so that was i think that simplicity of

going to a simple dinner that's maybe

later than i would ever go to because

i don't need to be on the courts at 9 00

am you know i can come to the courts at

11 am

and

i think having that freedom and having

that flexibility really gave me the

chance to

to have those simple moments with with

my friends

and not do it on a time clock

pink

you know i did a lot of spur of the

moment trips where i thought about a

place i wanted to go

and i would just make plans and i would

do it and i would see who can who can

come with me

but there was no doubt that i i'd have

that hunger to come back and my friends

were actually asking me like so when do

we lose you

and i was like well i think that time

has come

[Music]

so it's january and i'm

not in australia at this drawing open

instead i'm

watching

the australian open

on television

with 102 fever

and a really sexy voice gonna pick up a

lot of men with this voice

and a big box of kleenex

sometimes i look back at moments where

you know i think that i was

i was really sad or that i was

i was really tough on myself

but i look back on that and i was like

wow

that was challenging that was

that was really really hard

in this time i personally realized that

vulnerability was actually

cool there's something very raw about it

one of the biggest victories i've had

this year is that i'm coming back on

april 26th and that's a huge victory on

its own and then i

i fought really hard for that

internally and externally

you know i thought about it and i wanted

it and i asked for it i asked it from

lawyers i asked it from the arbitrators

i asked it for myself

and then i got that

and now you want to almost prove that

everything that you've

gone through was worth it

and i think i'm most excited and most

nervous about

what i will be able to bring for myself

out of this situation

and if i didn't feel nervous and if i

didn't feel

butterflies and if i didn't feel excited

then i probably wouldn't be coming back

right like that just

then what for

so we're

back

at my memory lane where kind of it all

began for me in america and

in florida at the img academy i'm

spending a few weeks doing a training

block of two and a half weeks at the

academy

long days just spending time on the

court spending time off the court in the

gym and

running and a little bit of everything

really but just

kind of setting the tone for my body

again and my mind

i think the

biggest

challenge i have ahead of me in training

blocks

is the repetition

hitting balls and playing points

and getting that feeling of doing it

over and over

without many days off perfect those four

were great

challenging my body on the court now

back to the movements back to the side

steps back to the quick change of

directions

and doing it repetitively

yes now you're putting your weight on

so i think that

in itself will be

you know challenging and difficult but

i think my body is ready for it it's had

time to be ready for it

i think i'll start with

you know three weeks of

just grinding

coming to the courts nine a.m you know

starting with warm-ups spending a few

hours on the court

doing a cool down core stretch working

on my shoulder a little bit

lunch break little nap

i'd love to take naps

yes

on the left leg lovely yeah

doing a session in the gym

just working the mechanics that's

improving efficiency

yes yes yes i like that one last one

and then i do about an hour hour and a

half of treatment work

on my body every evening two more

three don't push too much

so turns into long days

but the one thing that is really

important for me is the recovery aspect

of training

and that's always like that's the tricky

balance is understanding how much is

enough how much is too much when do you

need that time off

i'd rather feel fresh and my body feel

like it's ready to go and feel a little

bit rusty and maybe not have the best

timing because that comes that comes

with just

doing what you've been doing for years

on end

i mean i've never really been in that

situation where i have this period of

time to really

include training blocks usually one

training block and you're ready to go to

a tournament um

but now it's a little bit different

because i have a couple of months

instead of just a few weeks

i think the great thing about having a

full-time team is that you're able to

put a plan in place

you have my father who's

very much involved in my career still

you have

a coach a fitness coach you have a

physical therapist you have a hitting

partner

yes

all that force that you create is just

going in one direction

one direction

i would say the leader of my team is van

um who's been my coach for about three

years now

okay hold on one second

so

the reason why i want you to have even

now

you don't have the same same pressure on

that right side enough i understand you

the reason why your left leg is stronger

yeah

yes or no

yes yes

so

unconsciously even

you want to push off from your left

that's just a fact

so can i ask you a question yes

so was i

five days ago i had more weight on my

back foot than i do right now

no this is how you stand right now can i

can i just can you just stand like this

question am i not standing the same as i

was five days ago no but no okay

so meaning no sorry sorry sorry wait

wait wait no no no wait no no no

you were not having enough weight on

that right i understand but is it the

same even before yes yeah exactly yeah

the same the same

the same thing but

no because i've now added this that that

means that i'm adding you a little bit

extra we always progress him it's always

it's always a progression he's a guy

that comes with a lot of experience not

just experience on the court but

experience of handling other people in a

team environment all right here we go

let's do it and i think as a coach

that's one of the biggest

responsibilities as a leader is when

you're able to handle and adjust and

understand everyone's role in a team

should we have like a realistic goal

yeah no 30 is good already we have three

let's start from the 30. okay

one two three four five six seven eight

nine ten

five six

two i'm an embarrassment to my country

five six seven eight nine ten eleven

twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen what

six seven eighteen nineteen twenty

twenty eight one two twenty three 24 25

6

7 28

29 go 30.

it's a drop shot

my fitness trainer

i've worked with him ever since i was a

young girl

stay loose

stay loose five seconds

four

three

two

walk

walk you will go

above and beyond anything that's in his

job description

he's just the most loyal team member i

think i've ever had it's a family

this is a family so whatever happens and

we back her then we let her know that we

are behind her not just me it's just a

whole team

[Music]

so you go stairs all the way

i can run with you okay

walk back

that's one

two times

[Music]

[Music]

all those team members have different

roles but they all have one mission one

goal and so the coach's role sven's role

is to make sure that

each one of those team members is on

that ride

and they're all from different parts of

the world so sven is dutch and

everyone else culturally has a different

background and so working with that is

also very interesting because

you know one can be loud and one can be

shy and

like how does everyone get along in that

environment

and all of a sudden they're in the

kitchen

only when i'm only when i'm cleaning

a base of bolognese and tomatoes

zucchini onions olives

like to have some uh coming

i really don't discriminate

i look forward to every meal

you talk right

that's chewy taco

but we are hungry taco is in a really

bad mood when he's hungry we are

well i'm actually

running my ass off

so well that's what we're dealing with

well you're on the sidelines with a

phone

but i'm focusing on checking my heart

rate on that there we go

we haven't had or no we had the russian

meal we had a russian meal but it was my

mom and i helped yeah but she make a

good salad

that's the store you should shut up

because

when was the last time you made

something in the kitchen

i spend more time with my team

year long than i do with my family or i

do with my friends and

they become part of your family so you

better get along you better like them

um where does my dad fit in

oh gosh that is a good question

[Laughter]

[Music]

i think my dad's just

he's a dad

he overlooks everything and

i've understood from a very young age

that when he was quiet and he was

content

was that when he was happy

and

when he speaks that's usually when he

what he wants to say is very important

and you should listen to him that's what

that says tone of voice

two inside out

one from middle again

[Music]

this is far from a vacation

i know that the results from

the sacrifice that i put into this

they've always been and and they will be

very rewarding

[Music]

but to get there

what you must put in is

is difficult

[Music]

so i'm back in l.a

just a few weeks away until i head off

to germany and um

they've been playing points and

matches and

it's such a different

ball game it's so different than just

training um

and also really frustrating because for

12 months i didn't compete and i didn't

play those sets and

um what was so natural to me being in

certain circumstances and

you know knowing how i felt when i was

down in a match or staying focused when

i was

ahead in the match

i feel like i'm i'm

relearning on the court which is a very

different feeling

[Music]

i think the one challenge with mental

preparation is that you never actually

know what you're going to feel like in a

particular moment so you can prepare in

in so many different ways but until you

get

to that first city that you're competing

at or until you

walk onto the court and until you play

the match and until you leave the

grounds after the match and until you do

it over and over again you don't know

what your feeling will be

and

i like that because that's what makes it

exciting

[Music]

i'm one of the biggest competitors out

there

i realize that everyone has a great work

ethic

especially in my sport you can't be

playing 20 tournaments a year traveling

around the globe

no matter if you're 100 in the world and

not have work ethic it takes more

[Music]

i know

what i have beyond work ethic you know

the will and

you know not letting anyone stand in my

way

[Music]

there's been so much talk in the last

few weeks about

wild cards and

um

a lot of the players have been

playing in the u.s hardcore tournaments

and weighing in on whether i deserve to

be back in the game and welcomed

with the invitational wildcards it's

been interesting to just be on the side

and not

and not have anything to say about it

it's not an easy place to be at

my mission is the first match and the

match after that and whether it takes me

to paris or whether it takes me to

london i don't know

but

i hope so

i really do believe that i

deserve to be there and i deserve to be

playing there

[Music]

it's been hard and rewarding and

challenging and you know all those mixed

emotions

and i think

to come back for for everyone that

surrounded me in this time my team my

coach

my parents my friends and i think deep

down inside um i have this huge

feeling of giving back to them of them

seeing me

get my career back i'm doing it for them

maybe even more than i'm doing it for me

it's how i feel and it's how they've

made me feel it's what they've given to

me

there's no way they would never see me

on the court again

[Music]

i think of being out there

and myself on the court and i feel that

it's such a big part of my life and it's

such a big stage for me

i'm a performer

and an audience buys a ticket to watch

me

do my job

[Applause]

and

no matter if i have a good day or a bad

day i'm just excited to have that

feeling of

performing again

[Applause]

i can only imagine how many people will

be watching me play on that day

whether they love me or hate me or

respect me or don't respect me they're

curious

[Music]

and so am i

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Music]

laughs

[Music]