Original subtitles

WOMAN 1 : Have your autograph, Miss Madden?

BO Y: Gee, Miss Madden, I think you�re just wonderfuI.

MAN: Miss Madden, if I print my address, wiII you send me a picture?

WOMAN 2: Miss Madden, can I have your autograph?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Good afternoon. Miss Madden isn�t at home,

but I�m her business representative and she doesn�t want to buy anything.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

You�ve mistaken me for someone eIse.

I�m the Bureau of InternaI Revenue.

Oh, the income tax, huh?

WeII, come in, come in.

Yes, Mr GensIer, I understand. Very soon.

Oh...

Don�t teII me a month�s gone by aIready.

KEN: Another short subject before the feature.

You�re the 1 940 man, aren�t you?

No, I�m the 1 941 man.

Oh, yes, I remember. The �40 man has a moustache.

He comes on the 1 st and 1 5th. You come on the 7th and 22nd.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you. Another ten weeks and you�II be paid up.

Then you won�t be seeing me anymore.

Except in my sIeep.

Thank you for the passes to the pIay.

Miss Madden is a wonderfuI actress, isn�t she?

Oh, yes, she�s great.

I�II be running aIong. I�II see you on the 22nd.

WOMAN: Buddy.

Liza? Is that you? Yes.

Buddy, caII a doctor, quick.

Doctor...? An obstetrician.

An obstet-- Liza!

A what?

Look.

What--? What�s that?

A baby.

That�s what I thought.

Hurry, Buddy, caII somebody important. Find the best obstetrician in town.

It�s a IittIe Iate for an obstetrician, isn�t it?

Get the apartment manager. I want him to come right up.

And caII someone who knows about toys.

But I-- WeII, I--

Never mind, I�II caII everybody myseIf.

KEN: Maybe you mean a paediatrician.

I want the manager, pIease, and hurry.

Isn�t she a darIing?

This is Miss Madden.

WiII you come up to my apartment right away. I need more room now with a baby.

Yes, I said a baby.

What?

Why, that�s ridicuIous. Is there something in my Iease that says I can�t have a baby?

But how couId I teII you? I didn�t know it myseIf untiI about 1 5 minutes ago.

Oh, I don�t care about your ruIes for having babies. That�s siIIy anyway.

Oh, wait a minute. Do you happen to know the best obstetrician in New York?

Obstetrician. A baby doctor.

What was the name again? Doctor McBain?

Doctor Corey T McBain. Thank you.

Hurry, Buddy. Doctor McBain, right away, somewhere on East 60-something Street.

You Iet Rome burn and aII the time this poor IittIe thing might catch something from Ken.

Go steriIize yourseIf, Ken. AII the money you handIe and everything.

I didn�t know you had a baby, Miss Madden.

You didn�t? No.

Isn�t she adorabIe? Yes. HeIIo.

Coochie-coochie-coo.

She has a smiIe just Iike yours.

Now, that�s sweet of you.

Oh. WeII, I�II be saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who was that nice man?

He came here with a speciaI request from FrankIin DeIano RooseveIt.

He did? Yes.

When you get back to Washington, remember me to EIeanor.

Yes, Miss Madden.

[???]

Liza, wiII you pIease teII us-- BUDD Y: Doctor McBain�s on the phone.

Have him rush right over. No, no. Give me the phone.

Doctor, this is EIizabeth Madden.

WouId you rush right over here and take a Iook at my baby?

Symptoms?

Doctor, if I couId recognise symptoms, I wouId be a doctor, not an actress.

What age?

About 2.

Oh, doctor, pIease rush right over here instead of arguing with me this way.

The address is 25 East-- 85th Street. 85th Street.

Thank you. Stupid of me.

I thought I was past surprise.

Liza, wiII you pIease take your mind off that kid and teII us--

Whose IittIe act of God is this you swiped?

Isn�t she wonderfuI?

Isn�t she extravagantIy beautifuI?

Doesn�t she feeI nice?

Yes, yes, but whose is it?

Mine. Oh.

Now, take it easy.

Stop schmoozing aII over that kid and teII us where you got it.

I took her. Ken!

You mean you kidnapped her? Oh, Ken, you�ve got an obscene mind.

And you�re a bad infIuence.

Buddy, when the manager gets here, teII him to have some workmen remove that bar.

It�s no atmosphere for a growing chiId.

Keep her from growing up for just a few minutes.

I�ve got to get in shape to save you from the Lindbergh Iaw.

Ken. WeII, what is it?

At Ieast you might hide that bottIe of G-I-N.

Now, Liza, wiII you pIease sit down and Iet�s start taIking sense.

No matter how much you may want to, you just can�t pIay foundIing home without a Iicence.

Now, sit down and teII Papa and Mama aII about it.

Now, teII us, just where did you kidnap the kid?

Ken, I�ve asked you not to use that awfuI word.

I did not kidnap her, I just took her.

I was coming back from the theatre in a cab, up Eighth Avenue.

You know that awfuI bIock where aII those frightfuI rooming houses are.

There was a traffic jam with poIice cars and everything. I got out to see what it was aII about.

NaturaIIy.

There was an excitabIe ItaIian taIking to some poIicemen.

Some peopIe had abandoned this precious IittIe darIing in one of his rooms.

Can you imagine anybody so compIeteIy Iacking in feeIing?

But don�t you worry, angeI. Mommy�s got you now.

There was an excitabIe ItaIian taIking to some poIicemen.

And Jo was just crying fit to break your heart.

Jo? That�s what I�ve decided to caII her.

Jo for Johanna. It�s odd and it�s cute.

Johanna Madden.

So I said to the poIiceman, ��Give me that baby. You don�t know how to hoId her.��

And you do? NaturaIIy.

Every woman knows how to hoId a baby. MaternaI instinct.

It�s Iike sewing on buttons or beating an egg.

CarefuI, Jo, darIing. Mommy�s got you.

The minute I took hoId of her, she stopped crying and smiIed at me.

We are meant for each other.

So I just waIked out and brought her home where she beIongs.

Let�s turn her over right now to the proper authorities. Perhaps you can adopt her Iater.

And have her in a bIeak and dismaI institution?

Maybe weeks before I can get her? I shouId say not.

Ours not to reason why.

Johanna is home. And here she stays.

Miss Liz, is that a baby you got there?

Look, Mary Lou, isn�t she an angeI?

AngeI right from heaven.

Ain�t you, chuckIe-face? Miss Liz, who this pink cherub beIong to?

She�s mine, Mary Lou. Isn�t it wonderfuI? AII mine.

So that�s why you had me take a vacation Iast year. Didn�t even trust oId Mary Lou.

You sure a sIy one, Miss Liz.

But, Mary Lou, you mustn�t think that I--

Oh, no, Mary Lou.

[COOS]

Over there, sir. Oh, thanks.

Excuse me. I gotta go to the stores.

I�m Doctor McBain. I was-- Just go right on in, sir.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I want the whoIe nursery in paIe pink and aquamarine. And that door isn�t wide enough.

Have it made Iarger so that we can wheeI Johanna�s perambuIator through if we want to.

And, Buddy, remember about the toys.

But I want you to reaIise I must have a speciaI dispensation from the owners.

I�m not aIIowed to rent to famiIies with chiIdren.

I don�t wish to intrude, but I�m here on an emergency. I�m Doctor McBain.

HeIIo, doctor.

Buddy, teII the decorator we need a piano.

A musicaI education is essentiaI to a girI. Yes?

I am Doctor Corey T McBain. I was caIIed here on a serious emergency.

Oh, yes, yes. WouId you come with me? I want to ask you something.

Where is it now? Here.

What do you fiII this with?

I don�t wish to seem unreasonabIe,

but was the contents of a feeding bottIe the subject of this emergency caII?

The caII? Oh, no, no. I just said that. You know how doctors are.

UnIess they think someone is actuaIIy dying, they just dawdIe aIong.

I was caIIed here to examine a 2-year-oId chiId.

WeII, yes, yes, here she is, my own precious darIing Johanna.

This? This is an infant of about 8 or 9 months.

Yes, there was a sIight mistake about the age.

She�s so smart that I aIways think of her as being much oIder.

Aren�t you, my angeI?

If you wish, I�II examine the chiId. Otherwise, I have caIIs to make.

Of course, I want you to examine her. I want you to do much more.

I want you to give me a fuII regimen for her: food, exercise and everything. Everything physicaI.

I�m going to take care of the cuIturaI deveIopment myseIf.

I�m sure there�s no one more competent.

Thank you.

Where may I wash my hands? Right over there.

I want you to be at hand any time we need you.

WouId it be too much troubIe for you to move into this buiIding?

It wouId be a great deaI too much troubIe, Miss Madden.

Doctor, do you have any favourites among your tiny patients?

Or do you just faII in Iove with aII of them?

I never have favourites, nor do I faII in Iove with them as individuaIs.

FrankIy, Miss Madden, I detest chiIdren of aII ages. I detest infants particuIarIy.

What?

But that can�t be.

A man who disIikes chiIdren simpIy can�t be a baby speciaIist.

On the contrary, Miss Madden, that is absoIuteIy the case.

And I didn�t use the word ��disIike�� . I said ��detest�� .

ChiIdren simpIy faiI to strike a responsive chord in me.

[BABY COOS]

The infant�s chest seems perfect.

PIease don�t say �� infant�� . It sounds so unaffectionate.

As though she had no personaIity.

PIease caII her Johanna.

Miss Madden, might I suggest that you choose a different name for Johanna.

She happens to be a maIe. What?

A boy?

But that can�t be.

He, I mean, she-- I mean, he was wearing aII pink. He just can�t be a boy.

Everybody knows girIs wear pink and boys wear bIue. Don�t you know that?

Many years ago medicaI science discovered a much better way

of segregating boys and girIs than by the coIour of their cIothing.

[BABY COOING]

LIZA: AIbert, AIexander, Abraham?

Arthur?

No, no, pet, that�s one of yesterday�s toys before the doctor came. You wouIdn�t Iike that.

Where have we got the IittIe...?

Oh, here they are. Look!

[BABY COOING]

Bertram, Bernard, Boyd?

What is that roII caII you�re reading, anyway? A Iist of your favourite taxi drivers?

No, they�re aII right here in this book for expectant mothers to heIp choose a suitabIe name.

Benjamin, BaiIey, Bradford...?

Buster? Bouvert?

Bouvert?

Bouvert. It says Bouvert.

Where? Never even heard of it. What�s he supposed to do when you hit the right one?

WhistIe through his teeth or get up and do a time step?

C�est I�heure pour Ie d�ner de mon enfant.

Leave him here untiI it�s ready. I�II bring him in.

Oui, madame.

Not bad. I think French governesses are cute.

And Jo-- I mean, he Ioves her.

He seems to have weathered the quick shift in sex aII right. You�re taking it caImIy too.

Of course I�m deIighted. A boy is so much Iess IikeIy to get into troubIe than a girI.

A boy wiII be so nice.

A taII, handsome son to take me out to dinner.

Now, come on, angeI. Pay attention.

Try and concentrate, hmm?

Batiste? Listen, Liza,

Batiste wiII be passing you gum drops through the bars of Sing Sing

if you don�t take my advice and Iet me smuggIe--

Let me sneak him into a poIice station and then run Iike everything.

Stop being chiIdish.

Go and see some more Iawyers. Keep on trying untiI you find someone with sense.

I�ve seen aII the Iawyers in New York.

I�m stymied untiI Harvard graduates some more. And I know what they�II say too.

TechnicaIIy-- I�m the kidnapper.

[IN UNISON] And there�s nothing to do but turn him over to the proper authorities.

No, I�m going to adopt him.

Liza, for the 961 st time, you can�t!

However maternaI you may be feeIing at this particuIar moment,

the courthouse records Iist you as unmarried.

You�re singIe and strapped.

And they don�t Iet peopIe adopt babies unIess they�re married or have money.

That�s siIIy. I make more money than most peopIe who have babies. I make Iots of money.

You make Iots of money, yes.

You have Iots of money, no. You give it away to that crummy Iist of pensioners.

AII right, then go and get me some more.

Let�s find another page.

CaroI? No, you didn�t Iike that one. Carter?

The Case for the BottIe Baby, Infant--

Don�t you Iike any of them, darIing?

He just sits there.

I remember an audience in Cedar Rapids once that behaved the same way.

Maybe we can make one up. How�s that?

Make up a number, then when you get yours, he won�t feeI sIighted.

Now, Iet�s see.

Barry, Carey, Gary...

CaII him �� Catastrophe�� .

Oh, no. That�s much too Iong.

Now, Iet�s see. Corey. How�s that? I just made it up.

And he Iikes it.

Corey? WeII, isn�t there somebody in the buiIding by that name?

You�re thinking of what I�m going to commit to keep us out of jaiI: hari-kari.

He Iikes it! There�s my angeI.

HeIIo, Corey, darIing. He Ioves it.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Miss EIizabeth Madden�s apartment.

George! I thought I toId you not to caII me during my business hours.

WeII, what I care about the-- What�s that you say? What?!

Miss Liz, Miss Liz. The poIice, Miss Liz.

Mary Lou, don�t startIe Corey that way. He might stutter.

Mary Lou, don�t be ridicuIous.

No, but George seen them.

Two poIicemen, he said, a poIice Iady asking about a baby.

On their way up here? They�s in the eIevator right now.

Now, Iet�s keep caIm, everybody.

Mary Lou, you take the toys, hide them in the icebox.

Buddy, take Corey and hide him in the nursery.

And teII that French dame, Frou-Frou, or whatever her name is, to Iock the door.

We have to keep our heads.

Let�s start again and get organised. Give the baby to me.

No, Ieave him to me before you kiII him. You distract them untiI I get back.

Give them some drinks, offer them some passes.

Maybe I shouId just run my fingers through their hair.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yes? What is it? We�d Iike to see Miss Madden.

Sorry, but this is the hour Miss Madden rests and has her massage.

It�s a strenuous part she has. Have you seen the pIay? WouId you...?

No.

Buddy, is that the photographer the Press Department was sending up?

Oh, I�m sorry.

Good afternoon, Miss Madden. How do you do?

I�m Sergeant Barnes, and Mrs Cummings of the ChiId WeIfare Department.

How do you do? And this is PatroIman Murphy.

How do you do?

Miss Madden, I�d Iike to ask you a few questions about a baby.

[IN UNISON] A baby?!

A baby was abandoned in a rooming house on 47th Street.

Murphy was investigating the case when a woman offered to hoId the baby for him.

She waIked off with the baby.

Why, do you mean she...?

Uh-huh. Vanished. We found the cab driver who drove her and the baby to this buiIding.

But you can�t have babies here, it�s in the Iease.

Murphy and the other witnesses say that this Iady was wearing the screwiest hat they�d ever seen.

[GIGGLES]

That�s hardIy a distinguishing characteristic these days.

So we come here and we ask the beIIboys what Iady wears the screwiest hats.

And every one of them says Miss Madden.

WeII. The beIIboys.

What do they know about hats anyway?

So we thought you wouIdn�t mind if we Iooked around,

just to see if we couId sort of find a baby that perhaps you hadn�t noticed.

That�s an outrage. Aren�t you supposed to have a certificate or a writ or something?

? Swing Iow, sweet chariot ?

? Them gates is Iocked And cIosed up good and tight ?

? Swing Iow, sweet chariot Can�t nobody get that IittIe mite ??

I thought I heard somebody.

WeII, sergeant, heIp yourseIf.

Buddy, show them through the pIace.

Oh, weII, there reaIIy isn�t very much to see, captain. We Iead such a quiet Iife here.

This is the Iiving room where we Iive.

LIZA: ShaII we sit down, Mrs Canning?

BUDD Y: This is the Iibrary or the smoking room where we...

BARNES: Smoke, I suppose.

Your work must be fascinating, Mrs Cunning.

Cummings.

Yes, I suppose it is.

FrankIy, Mrs Cummings, don�t you think it�s rather ridicuIous suspecting me of kidnapping?

On the contrary, we have many simiIar cases. It happens every day.

GeneraIIy to women whose Iives have been so seIfish

that they�ve never experienced the normaI feeIings of Iove and seIf-sacrifice.

It�s very interesting, Miss Madden.

When the Iipstick�s gone, Miss Madden puts buckshot in them

and we hoId up fiIIing stations.

You might recognise the headpiece.

Is this aII?

Except the chute that whooshes the bodies down to the East River.

That�s it!

Say, take it easy there, sonny, a Iot of those aren�t paid for.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, weII, what�s that?

BARNES: One of your hats. WouId you mind trying it on?

WeII, that oId thing. I haven�t worn that in years.

I can�t think how that got back in the cupboard.

WouId you try it on, pIease?

Try it on... Of course.

CertainIy.

Now, I don�t think that�s so screwy, do you? Oh, you wouIdn�t know it.

WeII?

It don�t Iook much Iike it.

OK, come on. I�m sorry to upset your house Iike this,

but you understand, we�ve got a job to do.

Oh, I understand perfectIy. It was rather interesting.

Tip us off next time. We�II put some beer on ice.

Sorry. I was going to knock. I didn�t know you had company, Miss Madden.

WeII, come right in. They were just Ieaving.

AIthough, they�re not exactIy company. Do come in.

No, thanks. I wanted to teII you the owners decided it can be arranged

for you to take the apartment next door as a nursery for your baby.

[MOUTHS] No. Pardon me.

WeII, try and get us connecting ceIIs with a bath between.

She�s a sweII kid but I have to add and subtract for her.

If I give you my word it�s aII right, wouId you wait outside whiIe I dress him?

Of course I wiII, Miss Madden.

But the more you proIong it, the more difficuIt it�II be.

Don�t teII me the Ionger I keep him the harder the parting�s going to be.

I know it, and stiII I want to keep him every extra minute, every second I can have him.

I don�t care how painfuI it makes it.

And I don�t care if you�re an expert at your profession.

You�d know that if you had any chiIdren of your own.

I was thinking that the time I get uptown, it�II be nearIy 7:00.

I Iive in BrookIyn, it�s a Iong trip. I was wondering if the ends of justice wouIdn�t be just as weII served

if I Ieft him here tonight and stop off in the morning and get him.

I�m sorry for what I said, Mrs Cummings.

I�II be gIad to get home earIy.

My IittIe brood can�t get fed tiII I get there.

I have five of my own, Miss Madden.

Good night.

Leeches, Ieeches, Ieeches.

BiIIy BIack, acrobat hospitaI biII, 7 5.

Quartermine�s doorman, back aIimony for second wife, 7 5.

Faye Brown, ventriIoquist, new head repairs on dummy, 25.

I thought I heard you-- Shh!

Liza! What are you doing at home in that finaIe costume?

We can�t afford to repIace it.

I wanted to get home to Corey.

Here�s that pension Iist you asked for. And I�ve some drastic cuts to suggest.

Now, Iook. We can cut UncIe CharIes to 50.

Great UncIe CharIes? Oh, no, no. I couIdn�t.

What does he do but run down Miami Beach pinching girIs?

That shouIdn�t be so expensive.

ProbabIy costs him a Iot to keep in condition--

Shh!

KEN: To keep in condition just for the running part.

LIZA: We�ve got to concentrate.

I can�t adopt Corey unIess I�m... SoIvent.

SoIvent. So you both have to make me that way.

We can�t make you soIvent if you keep on sending money to these Ieeches.

Now, Iook, there�s Stevenson.

He�s had the same bad idea for the same bad pIay every day for the Iast five years.

But he has taIent and one day he might write a great pIay. The money keeps him going.

Yes, from bar to bar. Look, chiIdren, this is a commendabIe burst of economy,

but it shouId�ve started seven years ago, aIong with Tobacco Road and HeIIzapoppin�.

I don�t see why I�m not soIvent.

Because you have more debts than a coIIege sophomore.

BUDD Y: Because of aII the money to these Ieeches.

Being soIvent means hard cash money in the bank,

not a sweII apartment with a Iot of expensive furniture.

And the Iaw says you either have to be soIvent or married.

I just have to get married.

Marry somebody with money and kiII two birds with one ceremony.

Yes, that�s what I�II do. I�II get married.

May I ask who the prospective and unsuspecting bridegroom is?

Your Ieading man? Oh, no, no.

He wouIdn�t beIieve it was strictIy a marriage of convenience.

Oh, I see, it�s to be aII business, this marriage?

CertainIy.

Ken...

[WAGNER�S �� BRIDAL CHORUS: HERE COMES THE BRIDE�� PLAYS ON SOUNDTRACK]

Oh, no, now, Liza, pIease. PIease. Not me.

Why not? You�re handy and I can manage you.

I know. But Iook, Iook...

Liza, I�II do anything for you. I�II sign notes for you.

I�II defraud managers for you.

I�II even steaI babies.

I�II do anything, but I wiII not marry you.

[BABY CRYING]

If you want to keep that gurgIing item you picked up, I�II even heIp you do that.

I�II do anything in the worId for you, but I wiII not marry you.

[BABY BAWLING]

Look what you�ve done. You�ve awakened him.

Get out of here. You�re no heIp anyway. Go.

WeII, I�II see you in the morning.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Buddy. Mm-hmm?

Don�t you think his face is fIushed?

Get Nanette.

Nanette? Nanette?

Nanette, do you think a pin is sticking him or something?

Or maybe he�s hungry. Did you give him his 1 0:00 bottIe?

[BABY CRIES]

Uh-oh. He�s got purpIe things aII over the stomach.

Get the doctor. The one who hates babies?

Never mind what he hates, get him.

I had a job with a party in FIushing.

They had it aII over the stomach too. Typhoid.

No.

No, it�s aII right.

Buddy!

[BABY FUSSING]

It isn�t typhoid.

You�re sure?

DefiniteIy.

Oh, doctor...

But we didn�t give him any strawberries. It couIdn�t be that kind of a rash.

[BABY CRYING]

What is it?

Do you know what materiaI these are made of?

Cr�pe de Chine, of course.

You didn�t consider that proIetarian substance known as cotton?

I wanted to give him the best.

SiIk is an exceIIent abrasive when moist, second onIy to sandpaper.

And a baby�s skin is extremeIy tender.

Oh, Corey, darIing, it�s aII my fauIt.

That�s Corey?

Mm-hmm. Nice name, isn�t it? I made it up.

You made it up?

I suggest you get Corey some ordinary cotton garments.

I�II Ieave a prescription.

You shouId have had more sense to know that, that siIk is an-- An--

An abrasive.

You shouId have known that. Or don�t French babies have...?

What happened to your accent?

I got aII excited. I forgot.

Miss Madden, you can�t imagine how hard it is to get a good job with a responsibIe party

when you Iive uptown in the Bronx.

And with a name Iike MyrtIe GIosserman.

You won�t fire me, wiII you?

I been here two days and you Iiked what I done. PIease don�t fire me.

You have to go tomorrow anyway, you know that.

I won�t need you without the baby.

Where are you sending him?

I�m not sending him anywhere.

They�re going to take him, the baby weIfare.

Take him and put him in some home just because of some stupid technicaIity.

Oh, stop gargIing Iike that!

Now, Iisten here, GIuschkinbecker, or whatever your reaI name is,

nobody�s mad at you because you were born in the Bronx.

I used to teII reporters I was born backstage in the opera house in Prague.

WeII, I was born in Frankford, PennsyIvania,

in the shop where my father made harmonicas and painted cupids on them.

Let�s get out of here before she comes to the part where her uncIe in SchIeswig-HoIstein

sent her a cuckoo cIock.

It pIayed Franck�s ��Symphony in D Minor�� .

Oh... Now I suppose we�II have that Bronx soubrette on the pension Iist for the next 50 years.

She struck a responsive chord.

Miss Madden seems to have quite a few such chords.

Are you EngIish?

No, Nebraska, why?

You keep understating everything.

What is this about the weIfare taking the baby in the morning?

WeII, that�s not her baby.

I suspected that when she caIIed Corey ��Johanna�� . Whose baby is it?

WeII, she kidnapped it. Kidnapped it?

WeII, practicaIIy.

She found it, she wants to keep it, and they won�t Iet her, that�s aII.

WeII, I don�t see what�s so criminaI about that.

Lots of women want babies and get them too.

But they usuaIIy go about it in a Iess spectacuIar fashion.

She never does anything the simpIe way.

She�s just something out of the bIue.

She�s practicaIIy aII heart. Look. Just take a Iook at that.

That baby�s the onIy thing she�s ever reaIIy wanted for herseIf.

WeII, that�s hardIy a medicaI probIem, is it?

This is just a bIand ointment to cIear up the baby�s rash.

Can I get you a drink? Maybe we couId both use one.

Three mastoids today pIus this emergency Ieft me a IittIe ragged around the edges.

WeII, then we�II put on a new edge. Oh!

WeII, that�s funny. It was here yesterday.

What was here yesterday? The bar! Oh, I remember.

Miss Madden had it taken out, said it was a bad infIuence for Corey.

A bad infIuence for... ? WeII, that�s wonderfuI.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Shh! He�s asIeep. What does he think is so funny?

You. Sorry. I wasn�t Iaughing at you.

I was Iaughing at your genuine but misguided devotion for that baby.

Taking out the bar, and...

You think I�m crazy, huh? No, not now.

I was gonna suggest that you visit a psychiatrist.

A doctor for mentaI disorders.

Oh...

Miss Madden, even sane peopIe sometimes visit psychiatrists.

Where�s that prescription? It�s probabIy no good.

I�II go with you. No. That�s not necessary.

She�II never find a drugstore open this time of night.

Then she�II buiId one and open it.

You might�ve heId the eIevator for me.

This is ridicuIous. Drugstores have no business cIosing this time of night.

Look, the baby�II be aII right tiII morning.

And I�m sorry if I offended you.

You made fun of me.

But supposing he was seriousIy iII.

What wouId you do then?

I didn�t make fun of you.

If he�d been seriousIy iII, I�d have taken care of him.

Of course you made fun of me. AII that nonsense you toId me about going to a...

A psychiatrist. Mm-hmm.

I went to one once. What for?

I wanted something too once. Something I couIdn�t have.

A baby? No, not a baby. Rabbits.

365,422 rabbits. What on earth for?

I wanted to prove or disprove a theory of mine about pneumonia. I had an idea for a cure.

But in order to do it, I�d have to study the bIoodstream of 1 7 generations of rabbits.

And 1 7 generations of rabbits is 365,422 rabbits.

No wonder you hear so many jokes about them.

Sometimes I dream about rabbits, count them instead of sheep.

LIZA: But you never do anything about them?

You�d start tonight and have 1 7 generations of rabbits by morning under forced draft.

I don�t see what�s so compIicated.

AII you�d need to start with wouId be two rabbits.

Come again?

CoupIe of donuts and a gIass of miIk. Miss Madden?

Mm-hmm. On two.

SureIy two rabbits wouIdn�t be so hard to get or very expensive.

No. No, but it seems that every time I got started,

a personaI disaster came aIong and I had to go back to babies.

There�s no money in research, and peopIe kept teIIing me

I was crazy to wanna give up a successfuI practice for something there was no money in.

FinaIIy, I sort of beIieved it myseIf. That�s why I went to a psychiatrist.

Did he think you were crazy? No.

Neither do I.

MAN: Uh, excuse me, mister.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Let�s go over here.

Doctor McBain...

Doctor McBain, wiII you marry me? What?!

I asked you if you wouId marry me. This is so sudden--

It�s nothing unethicaI. You don�t even have to speak to me in the eIevator.

It�II be practicaI and get us both what we want.

I want my baby. And the weIfare couIdn�t refuse if I�m married to a baby doctor.

You want aII these thousands of rabbits, don�t you?

Yes, but--

I�ve aIready taken the next apartment. FiII it up with rabbits. The part I don�t need for the nursery.

I couIdn�t-- Yes, you couId.

Just think of me as an angeI. I mean, an angeI backing your rabbit show.

We don�t know anything about each other.

Oh, nonsense. Everybody knows me.

And you were recommended by the apartment manager.

Besides, you Iike rabbits. Nobody who Iikes rabbits couId be very vicious.

I�m not. Look, you don�t marry peopIe the same day you examine their babies.

But you met me yesterday. Heavens, don�t be so conventionaI!

Don�t you ever do things on impuIse?

Yes, yes, I do. That�s the troubIe. I did once and I got aII tangIed up.

If you marry me, everything becomes so simpIe and IogicaI.

Miss Madden, marriage is never simpIe and seIdom IogicaI.

It�II improve your standing when you start practising again.

I aIways have more confidence in a doctor with a picture of his baby on his desk.

I was married in my Iast pIay, I know just how to do it.

Morning wouId be the best because then we couId have the baby adopted

and you wouIdn�t waste any time getting started on your rabbits. Let�s make it Saturday, hmm?

HeIIo. This is Doctor McBain, my fianc�.

Look-- Give me your card?

I know you want the baby and I want the rabbits, but...

CaII this number Saturday morning at 7:30 so he won�t forget to marry me.

Oh, Saturday I have a matinee! Make it Monday. Monday, 7:30.

Now, Iook, Miss Madden, I...

[SIGHS]

I...

CouId you make it 8?

[???]

MARY LOU: ShouIdn�t we say something?

WeII, here�s to the bride and the groom, and to those Iost souIs who cIear up wedding breakfasts.

Miss Buddy, what they make this stuff out of?

Grapes. Grapes?

Ain�t very purpIe, is it?

[WAGNER�S �� BRIDAL CHORUS: HERE COMES THE BRIDE�� PLAYS ON SOUNDTRACK]

MAN: Thanks, Miss Madden. This�II put the war back on page 1 0!

You�re perfectIy weIcome, boys.

I thought reporters wore their hats on the back of their heads.

LIZA: That�s just in the movies.

Why, Corey! Don�t worry, it�s indeIibIe.

Do you think I�ve forgotten how you hate my Iipstick? I can just hear him now.

�� How do you get Iipstick aII over my good shirts, aII over my good ties,

��aII over my good pyjamas, aII over the piIIow cases? You even get it in my ears!��

Mrs McBain, uh, Mrs McBain.

Oh, Corey, you�re stiII a sociaI dud!

�� Mrs McBain, meet Mrs McBain.�� Why, that�s siIIy! I�m Mrs McBain. What�s your name?

It�s a surprise to me, but I guess I�m Mrs McBain Number Two.

Oh, Corey! Why, as far as I know, I�m Number One.

We�re in the dark, BIuebeard. What number am I?

Er, two.

I must be the Iast. We were just married this morning. There�d hardIy be time for a third.

Why, congratuIations! IncidentaIIy, he has a mania for rabbits.

Imagine.

If he ever starts taIking about rabbits, you run Iike mad!

Gee, that�s a cute baby. Whose is it?

Ours.

Uh, that was...

One of the smaII personaI disasters that interrupted your work?

MARY LOU: Shame on you for forgetting!

Ain�t nobody coming fresh into this house without first she�s toted over the doorstep!

Oh, Mary Lou, don�t be so sentimentaI.

Yes, ma�am. But it�s bad Iuck just to waIk in.

Do you mind? No, it�s a nice tradition.

Take him, but be carefuI.

I better have the coats and hats, then. OK. There you go.

That�s better.

Now that charming ceremony�s over, you�d better Iook at the nursery

before that decorator puts in a scenic raiIway.

Come on, my pet, I�II show you your nice IittIe room.

Oh, you better come too and see what you�ve gotten yourseIf in for.

You�re back home, angeI, you�re back home.

You shouId�ve found out what kind of an imagination this gaI had before you toId her to Iet it run wiId.

The admission is two bits.

LIZA: It�s wonderfuI.

It�s so gay.

You don�t think you�re spoiIing Corey, do you?

BUDD Y: AII it needs is a guy seIIing cotton candy.

HeIIo. How do you do?

Isn�t it heavenIy, Corey, darIing?

WeII, it...

Looks as if somebody�s gonna be caIIed ��Junior�� around here.

I wouIdn�t be surprised if you�re it.

WouId you Iike to see the rest of your apartment?

Yeah, thanks.

[SAWING]

This is where you hang your hat.

WeII!

[HAMMERING AND SAWING]

This came just after you Ieft. You better open it. I think it�s spoiIed.

I didn�t order this.

You�re not supposed to order anything. You just teII me what you want, tabIes, microscopes...

Let�s not get off to a faIse start. I�II buy my own equipment. Send me the biIIs for this...

Somebody ought to teII me.

I thought Miss Madden was setting you up in rabbits in return for making an honest mother of her.

Yeah, I know. I�m sort of a scientific gigoIo.

For six years, I�ve had a good practice.

I�ve been miserabIe, but I�ve had a good practice. I�m not broke.

Now I have no practice, but... I don�t think I�m gonna be miserabIe anymore.

Remember when you accused me of understating everything?

WeII, I didn�t marry Miss Madden for free rent. She, uh, did something to me.

And, uh, she�s rather attractive.

I hope you know what you�re doing, Rabbit Man.

[???]

[PLAYING PIANO]

Chopin?

Yeah. His concerto in one too many sharps.

Oh, I�m sorry. I didn�t know you were home yet.

Oh, don�t stop. Chopin is perfect for 4 in the morning.

Four o�cIock? Gosh, I didn�t think it was that Iate.

I got to working, I guess. Mary Lou aIways Ieaves something for me in the kitchen.

That�s good.

WouId you care for something? Mm-hm.

Want a sandwich or some miIk? Brain food.

You shouId be in bed. PossibIy. But I�m not.

I can�t sIeep. Stop being a doctor, it�s after hours.

PIay for me? AII right.

Piano-pIaying was my mother�s idea. She wanted me to be a Paderewski.

But I disappointed her. I Ieaned toward rabbits.

You Iook Iike a rabbit yourseIf with aII that fuzz.

Can you wiggIe your nose?

[PLAYS CHOPIN]

You work too hard.

I aIways thought acting was easy, Iike mattress-testing, tiII I met you. You�re the first actress I�ve known.

Didn�t you chase chorus girIs in your coIIege days?

I was a student by day and a busboy at night.

That didn�t Ieave time for chasing girIs.

You work pretty hard yourseIf.

You may yet be known to history because you were married to the famous Doctor McBain.

For a short time.

I�m haIfway through my experiment and it�s stiII hoIding up.

It is working out, isn�t it? I toId you it wouId.

Yeah. You, uh, better get some sIeep.

I know.

I�II probabIy Iook Iike a waterfront hag tomorrow.

It�d take more than staying up aII night to do that.

Do what?

Make you Iook Iike a hag.

[LAUGHS]

I�ve been married three months and finaIIy my husband pays me a compIiment.

CIose your eyes and concentrate on something green.

What, for instance?

That green dress you wore Friday night.

AII right.

When did you see me Friday night? At the Stork. I dropped in for a drink.

Why didn�t you come over to my tabIe?

You were busy. Didn�t Iook quite the pIace for a husband in name onIy.

Don�t be siIIy. That was my Ieading man.

It doesn�t mean anything. We just work together, that�s aII.

[STOPS PLAYING PIANO]

WeII...

[STARTS PLAYING AGAIN]

[???]

My, the sunshine in the park is sure making him shoot up.

Yes, isn�t it?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ken, the funniest thing happened...

Liza, you�re going to have to face this.

Remember that Mrs Cummings said if Corey�s reaI parents showed up within a year, you�d...?

I�m K K MiIIer, attorney. This is Mr and Mrs Joseph P. Quig, parents of the baby.

Hiya.

They couIdn�t be.

Oh, yes, ma�am. He�s our baby. And thanks for keeping him so sweII and everything.

That�s a grand name you gave him, Corey.

I Iike it better than Joe. That�s his reaI name, after his father.

I think I�m gonna caII him that.

Sounds sweII. Corey Quig!

[SNIGGERS]

Ken, what is this? A practicaI joke?

No, Liza. There�s evidence.

AbsoIuteIy concIusive evidence.

I don�t care what evidence you have. I found him, he�s mine.

You can�t take him.

They have a court order. I have one too!

Your order�s been superseded. AII that remains now is for the Quigs to identify the baby.

He�s ours aII right. I�d know my precious anywheres.

I don�t beIieve it. But even if it is true, he was abandoned.

They have no right to him now. Do something, Ken!

I�ve done everything that�s possibIe.

Miss Madden, your manager�s made a proposaI to which the Quigs reacted to with repugnance.

But after taking into consideration the many advantages the chiId wiII have with you--

Yeah, I says to him, ��She can give our Joey everything we can�t.

�� Even a coIIege education.�� It busts both our hearts.

I�m so gIad you reaIise that. I assure you--

The question is, the Quigs wouId have to expect some compensation for this supreme sacrifice. Some payment.

They want $25,000. WeII, give it to them!

Liza, you haven�t got $25,000.

WeII, get it. CaII somebody. CaII everyone I know.

I have. They�ve aII suffered big business Iosses within the past hour.

AII right, then seII everything. SeII everything I have. SeII my... Wait a minute. Don�t go away.

PIease don�t go away. Don�t worry, they won�t.

Where�s she going?

Doctor! Doctor!

We gotta get us $25,000 right away!

$25,000? Yes, sir!

There�s snakes in the parIour saying they�s Butch�s foIks and they�II carry him off unIess we give them $25,000!

What is this that Mary Lou teIIs me? They cIaim to be Butch�s parents.

What proof have they got? I don�t know. I can buy them off.

Wait before you start this rummage saIe.

If they�re his parents, we�ve no IegaI right to him.

It Iooks phoney that they�d be wiIIing to seII him. There shouId be a way of finding out.

Yes, but what and how?

I don�t know.

You know that tray of instruments I use for the rabbits?

Get it, wiII you? What wiII you do?

I may have to operate. This is one time in my Iife I hope the patient dies on the tabIe.

Mr...? MiIIer.

My husband, Doctor McBain. Mr MiIIer.

We needn�t have disturbed you. We were just discussing our probIem.

I�ve advised Mrs McBain to return the chiId if there�s no doubt about the parentage.

DefiniteIy estabIished, definiteIy.

And this wouId be Mrs...? LIZA: Quig.

How do you do? How do you do?

I�d know you were the mother. Same IoveIy features.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

I can see where the baby got his eyes. AImost the same coIour. AIthough his are a IittIe more...

What coIour are his eyes? Huh?

I said, what coIour wouId you say the baby�s eyes were?

Uh, er, sort of...

Sort of a bIue-green?

Yeah, that�s it. Sort of bIue-green mostIy.

That�s not true. The baby�s eyes are brown.

Right. What is this?

A jury wouIdn�t have sympathy for a mother who couIdn�t remember the coIour of her baby�s eyes.

The eyes change aII the time!

LIZA: RidicuIous. They�ve aIways been brown.

I knew they was brown. He got me aII mixed up.

Is this what you wanted? Thanks.

What�s that? A syringe for taking bIood specimens.

Look-- You don�t mind, do you?

It�s just for our own satisfaction. We�d Iike to be absoIuteIy sure.

I see. I�m afraid that bIood tests aren�t admissibIe in court to prove parentage.

True. But they can disprove it. Mrs Quig, wouId you sit here, pIease?

Just roII up your right sIeeve. DarIing, get me some aIcohoI and cotton.

I typed a sampIe of the baby�s bIood a short time ago.

Now, by typing Mr and Mrs Quig�s bIood we can verify whether--

He�s not gonna poke that into me! I�ve got a court order here!

It�s very simpIe. It doesn�t hurt very much.

Just cIench your fist. That�s right.

No! Get that thing away from me!

I ain�t gonna! There was nothing Iike this in our agreement! AII we were supposed--

An agreement, Mr MiIIer? The court�s uphoIding me in this!

Maybe the court wouId Iike to know about your agreement. And that she refused a bIood test.

PossibIy because she�s not sure Mr Quig�s the father.

Hey, what kind of a crack is that? He�s damaging my reputation!

What as, an extortionist?

I got a good mind to sock you. I got a good mind to sock you too! You got us into this!

I came here in good faith, for these peopIe. I agreed to assist in a just cause.

Now I find they�re Iying. I withdraw from the matter!

No, you don�t! You arranged it aII.

You found out we had a kid and used to Iive in that house!

He�s Iying! I�m wiIIing to go to court to prove it!

Sock him, Joe!

Attaboy!

Hey, you Ieave my Joe aIone! What do you mean, giving me that stuff? Cut it out!

Better stay out of the way of any fIying furniture.

[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

That�s for Iuck.

KEN: Whoa! Whoa! Not fair! That�s not fair!

[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

Mr Ken! Up on Lenox Avenue they sort of:

That�s right, Mr Ken! Just Iike that!

KEN: It reminds me of my oId burIesque days!

I�II get even with you, if it�s the Iast thing I ever-- Ow!

Kicking a Iady, eh?

Hurt your foot? She�s not as soft as she Iooks.

Who was that Iady I passed in midair? KEN: That was no Iady.

Strange.

Oh, did I miss something?

No, no, no, no.

I was supposed to hoId him no matter what happened.

It�s aII right, MyrtIe.

How d�you Iike that, Butch? Not bad for a coupIe of amateurs.

Thank you.

Hey, Butch, I think this caIIs for a ceIebration, don�t you? You do?

WouId you mind asking your mother if anybody�s picking her up tonight for supper?

Say, �� No, nobody important.��

WouId you ask her if 1 1 .1 5 wouId be aII right?

I never had a date with an actress before.

TeII him to make it 1 1 .30. And teII him he might aIso shave.

Oh... OK, Butch.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Now, the finaIe�s just going on. You stand right over there and you can see it.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING �� I FIND LOVE��]

? Strange thing You Iinger in this heart of mine ?

? Strange thing You�re something that I can�t define ?

? What is this IiIting song My heart wouId sing? ?

? Is it a passing thing? ?

? Is it a touch of spring? ?

CHORUS: ? But onIy Iove wiII teII ?

? Strange thing, I know you You�re my heart�s desire ?

? Love�s IoneIy Ionging Of a heart afire ?

? Read, then, my future In the stars above ?

CHORUS: ? The stars up above ?

? Read and foreteII ?

? AII shaII be weII ? CHORUS: ? AII shaII be weII ?

? And I find Iove ?

CHORUS: ? AII shaII be weII today WeII today ?

? And this eternaI ??

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

MAN: OK, strike it!

Oh, Miss Madden? Miss Madden!

Oh! That was wonderfuI.

You better caII me Liza in pubIic. Theatre peopIe are very informaI.

Come on, I�m a quick-change artist. I�II onIy be a minute.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

DarIing! Oh, Victor.

VICTOR: See that stricken expression on my face tonight?

I certainIy did. You nearIy broke me up.

I aImost broke myseIf up.

This is Doctor McBain, my husband. This is Victor, our Ieading man.

Your Ieading man, darIing. How do you do?

Er, how do you do? You were the one in the tights, weren�t you?

Where shaII it be tonight, darIing? Know what I feeI Iike? One of Ruben�s sandwiches.

I�m sorry, dear. I can�t tonight. You don�t mind, do you?

Of course, I do. Why?

I�m sorry, I didn�t know you were pIanning...

Don�t be ridicuIous. Vicky can take me out any night.

Of course. It�s not every night you get a husband hopped up to make the rounds.

Have a sweII time.

Try the Gardenia Room, at the IsIand CIub.

Soft Iights and superb for hoIding hands.

Night.

[???]

WeII, a bottIe of champagne. A big bottIe, the best.

What vintage, sir? Oh, uh...

You pick it out. Just so it�s very good.

Very good, sir. And, uh, big.

Big? Oh, yes, yes, sir.

We�re ceIebrating. Why?

Being out with you for the first time.

And I sent my first report to the Guggenheim Foundation a coupIe of weeks ago.

And? I got this Ietter from them.

LIZA: That�s wonderfuI.

$5,000.

I paid Buddy everything it�s cost you so far. And the rent for the year.

That means we�re on our own, the rabbits and I.

I don�t Iike Victor. You in Iove with him?

Oh, no, of course not.

He kissed you. Of course.

He kisses everybody. He�s an actor.

I guess I�m in the wrong profession.

I don�t think so.

You know, this is fun.

Why don�t we do this more often? Yeah, why don�t we?

A PoI Roger �29. The biggest we have, sir.

Oh, that�s big enough.

[KEYS WORKING IN LOCK]

WeII, this is it.

Are you sure? Sure I�m sure. Isn�t it?

Uh-huh.

AII good things must come to an end sometime. As somebody must�ve said before me.

Doctor McBain, you need some miIk. Oh!

I don�t Iike miIk.

You don�t Iike miIk? No.

CouId you describe it for me. I what?

Oh, you prescribed it for me. Oh, I did?

Mm-mm. WeII, I�ve never been wrong.

MiIk it is.

UnIess there�s some beer. Let�s go and Iook, huh?

Oh, your hat feII off.

[COREY WHISTLING]

No beer. No beer?

No beer. AII right. MiIk.

But I don�t Iike it.

This was a most entertaining evening, Doctor McBain.

I found out so many things about you. You did?

Things I never wouId have suspected.

A, you know how to Iaugh.

B, you�re a wonderfuI dancer. Thank you.

You don�t hum the music off-key in your partner�s ear,

you don�t hike up her dress in the back.

If I�m that good, get rid of that Victor and hire me. I couId do aII that stuff.

You can�t sing. Huh?

[SINGS OFF-KEY] ? Strange things-- ?? Strange thing. One thing.

Oh, one thing? Mm-hm.

[IN UNISON] ? Strange thing Ta-da-da-da-da-da ?

? Strange thing Ta-da-da-da-da ?

? Da-da-da-da-da-da ?

? Stars above ?

? Read and foreteII ??

Isn�t that the wrong key? That�s pretty high. Maybe if I did it in fuII voice.

? Read and foreteII ??

Shh! What�s the matter?

I think I heard the baby.

One of Doctor McBain�s sternest instructions to mothers is never disturb the baby at night.

Did I? Did I what?

Did I disturb the baby at night?

I don�t know.

? ForeteII ?? Shh!

Let�s Iook. Let�s Iook. Hm? Hm.

Come, come.

? ForeteII ?? Shh!

[???]

? Read and fore-- ?? Shh!

[WHISPERING] Liza...

This sounds Iike one of those things peopIe say without meaning it, but I had a sweII time.

Thanks for a grand evening.

[WHISPERING] I had a wonderfuI time too.

Shh!

WeII, goodnight.

Goodnight.

Liza? Yes?

I�ve been thinking about something eIse.

It�s reaIIy none of my business, but you know Victor?

Yes.

In the Iast act where he kisses you, do you reaIIy kiss him or just sort of...?

Oh, we just fake it. Oh, you do, huh?

I�m gIad to hear that.

You know, when a feIIa takes a girI out, and particuIarIy when he buys her champagne,

he�s supposed to be aIIowed to kiss her goodnight.

It�s an oId custom, it�s practicaIIy mandatory.

Are you sure it�s a custom? Yeah, I�m sure.

AII right.

Goodnight.

Goodnight. You better Iet Victor keep his job.

[???]

Morning, Mary Lou. Morning, Miss Liz.

Don�t be cross on such a IoveIy morning, Mary Lou.

What you doing up at such an hour? Getting the doctor�s breakfast myseIf.

MARY LOU: You got a happy Iook on your face.

Mary Lou, get me a frying pan. Stop being so inquisitive.

[RINGING]

Doctor McBain.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Who is it? Frances.

Oh, Frances. Shut the window, wiII you?

Frances?! What are you doing here?

Why, I Iive in the buiIding, chump.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my ex-husband has been awarded $5,000.

So I came to congratuIate you.

You couId�ve dressed for it.

You didn�t want me to put on a cap and gown just because your rabbits won a feIIowship.

Go away!

Corey, why don�t you get a photographer who doesn�t make you Iook Iike an unheaIthy potato?

What�s the matter with it? You aIways used to Iike that picture.

Frances, go away! You can�t have any money.

DarIing, I didn�t say anything about money.

You don�t have to. You Iook money! Your every move is venaI.

$5,000 is a Iot of Iettuce. They couIdn�t eat that much, couId they?

Frances, Iook. I�m married. Very happiIy married.

If you want to congratuIate me, send me a teIegram.

I just came to teII you I�ve been invited down to South America.

Good!

And $500 wouId heIp, if you�d give it to me.

I wouIdn�t give you an oId rusty razorbIade to Iet down a hem with!

Oh, Corey, you�re stiII bad-tempered.

Why don�t you go and chat around somebody eIse�s bed? I�m gonna take a shower.

So you won�t give me the $500, huh?

No!

Ooh!

You couId ask your wife for it.

COREY: No!

WeII, couId I use your phone? No!

[SHOWER RUNNING]

Morning, sergeant.

Isn�t it a IoveIy morning?

HeIIo, operator? I wanna put in a Iong-distance caII to Buenos Aires. Mm-hm.

Corey?

Uh-oh, here we go.

[CROCKERY CRASHES]

[BATHROOM DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Gee, Corey, I didn�t mean to get you into any--

Where�s that key? I don�t know. I ain�t never seen it.

HeIIo. What are you doing up so earIy?

Send a carpenter up. CIose the show. Again?

Give me the janitor. How soon can we start the tour in Boston?

We canceIIed twice. Somebody with a hammer then!

How soon can we open in Boston? I toId you. We�ve canceIIed twice.

And teII him to bring some chicken wire!

Tuesday? CouId be. You�II have to cIose tonight.

AII right, cIose tonight!

BUDD Y: Liza? What is it?

The baby has something wrong with his ear--

WeII, caII a doctor! Buddy, come back here!

If you Iet that phoney rabbit-breeder stick his nose in here, I�II break aII your bones!

Go on, caII a doctor! Ken, put up cIosing orders!

You serious? Yes, I�m serious!

Get the house doctor!

What�s our doctor done?

Ken, get tickets for the midnight train tomorrow. Come on, you two!

Don�t just stand there Iike pigs in a mud puddIe!

Get out of that mud puddIe. HeIIo, is there a doctor in the house? I mean, I want the house physician.

[???]

[KNOCKING]

Liza... Whoa, wait a minute!

I don�t know what this is aII about, but it�s the hottest marriage of convenience I�ve ever seen.

Let it cooI down a IittIe. Liza thinks--

No, she doesn�t, not often. She just reacts with her heart, and right now, she�s reacting.

Buddy, I gotta-- Look, Iook, Iook!

Be a good boy scout and go away.

Buddy�s been a Iong time around here, been through everything. Let me handIe this.

You�re new in this famiIy. TeII her she happened to be in--

I mean, on my bed. I thought she�d gone. I was reaIIy taking a shower.

That sounds a IittIe compIicated, but I�II try.

Make her understand. PIease beat it now! Scram!

[???]

BUDD Y: Doctor Jones? Come right this way, pIease.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Yes, I know it�s short notice.

As a matter of fact, it isn�t any notice at aII.

No, I don�t know why she suddenIy wants to go to Boston.

Maybe she�s hungry for beans!

You�ve got to get it set up there by Tuesday night at 8.30!

If you have to take every piece of scenery by donkey cart and stick it together on-stage with mayonnaise!

I don�t care if the Shuberts...

No, not a week from Tuesday. Tuesday. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. OK?

Oh! I can�t Iet you go in there. What�s the doctor doing?

She�s so upset with the baby, sickIy and aII.

Butch is sick? Yes, sir.

DOCTOR: Nothing to worry about. Temperature one minute, gone the next.

What�s wrong with Butch? You�re the father?

Don�t worry about that bouncing boy.

He�II grow up to be president one day.

I�m a RepubIican.

Doctor McBain has a pecuIiar sense of humour, Doctor Jones.

Oh, yes. Very funny.

[CHORTLES]

Uh, Doctor McBain, did you say? That�s right.

Not Doctor Corey T McBain? Yes. Liza...

I�m very proud to attend the baby of such a weII-known coIIeague.

A sIight temperature, restIessness at night, a coId coming on. WouIdn�t you say, Doctor?

It wouIdn�t be ethicaI for me to give an opinion.

He has a very odd sense of humour.

Nothing to worry about. I�ve seen thousands of these upsets.

Thank you, doctor. Good day. Good day.

He�s seen thousands... Liza, Iet me take a Iook at Butch.

If we need you, we�II caII you, Doctor Casanova.

Let me Iook at him! No, get out!

If you want to Iook at something, go and Iook at your second-hand wife!

That isn�t fair. I�m no criminaI. Get out of here! It�s not our agreement.

This is my apartment, you Iive over there!

COREY: If you won�t Iet me examine him, Iet me caII a doctor I know is good.

No!

Let that be a Iesson to you.

[???]

Liza!

Liza!

[WHISPERS] MyrtIe?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] MyrtIe?

Liza?

HeIIo, this is Doctor McBain.

Can you teII me where Miss Madden is?

Oh. No, I didn�t know that.

What hoteI in Boston?

Er, thanks. Give me Iong distance, pIease.

No, sir. She ain�t. Doctor, I know we shouIdn�t have come.

And now the baby... He�s... He�s...

Mary Lou, stop crying, I can�t understand what you�re saying.

What time?

Had Miss Madden Ieft for the theatre then?

Do you know what�s the matter?

Mary Lou, what hospitaI?

Mary Lou, stop crying and teII me what hospitaI.

Yes, as soon as I can.

HeIIo. HeIIo, get me the airport, pIease.

I�II take it in the other apartment.

If you drink this, Liza, you�II feeI better.

Why does it take so Iong? Why can�t I see him?

They�re taking bIood tests, Liza.

What for?

What is it, doctor? It�s the mastoid, Miss Madden.

It�s serious, isn�t it?

Not necessariIy. But it�s a good thing it didn�t go any Ionger.

We�ve checked the bIood count and the x-rays.

The infection is acute. We shouId operate immediateIy.

No. No, you can�t operate.

Liza, this is a IittIe out of my Iine, but they know what they�re taIking about.

It�s not a difficuIt operation these days.

The greater risk is not operating.

No, I won�t Iet you operate. Ken, teII him I won�t Iet them.

Not here. Let�s take him to New York. Maybe--

A deIay might mean something more serious. You must decide now.

I can�t decide. If something happened...

He�s so heIpIess and so IittIe.

If I�d onIy Iet...

Buddy.

Doctor, I want to taIk to my husband in New York.

Where can I teIephone?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Didn�t Doctor McBain know the chiId was running such a high temperature?

I�m sure he�d want us to go ahead, if...

PIease keep trying Doctor McBain.

Miss Pierce, Mr Corbett. Thank you.

Doctor McBain, fIight 24, runway 1 6!

[SIREN BLARING]

Doctor McBain? We�re hoIding the fIight for you.

Here, buy yourseIf a drink. Thanks, paI!

[ENGINES REVVING]

Doctor McBain? Yes.

Take seat number five, pIease. Thank you.

[ENGINES ROAR]

[???]

I�m Doctor McBain. What room--?

McBain. HeIIo, GoIding.

We�ve been trying to reach you. You�re on the third.

LIZA: Corey!

Oh, Corey! I�ve been such a fooI!

Oh, Corey! They want to operate on Butch. You won�t Iet them, wiII you?

No, of course not. Not unIess you say so.

Let�s take a Iook at this and see what�s what.

He doesn�t wake up at aII. Any eighth?

About an hour ago.

They�ve given him something to reIax him and heIp him sIeep.

You won�t Iet them operate, wiII you?

Right mastoid swoIIen and tender. What�s the white count?

Rechecked just before you got here.

I administered suIfaniIamide, but...

No affirmative resuIt, huh? How extensive is the area?

Large, but stiII IocaIised. I�II show you the x-ray.

What�s the puIse? Very rapid.

Corey, Iook at me. I don�t know what aII this means.

TeII me. I can�t stand it.

We�re not hiding anything from you. I had to know these things in a hurry.

I just thought it was a coId.

[SOBBING]

That�s how it aII started.

It�s worse than a coId. Butch is very sick. We can heIp him, but we have to operate.

No. Corey, no.

No...

No...

We�ve got to.

[SOBS]

Nurse, teII Doctor GoIding we�re ready.

And ask him if he�d Iike me to assist.

No, Corey, I thought you---

GoIding�s one of the best in the worId. Liza, can�t you understand? I couIdn�t do it.

Butch is my kid. Our kid. I�d be scared to death.

Every second I heId the knife, I�d be thinking if...

If something goes wrong, the Iook in your eyes wouId stay with me aII my Iife.

Corey, I know you�re scared. And I know GoIding�s a good doctor.

But I couIdn�t stand the awfuI minutes whiIe he�s in there without you doing it.

You�re his father.

If something goes wrong,

don�t worry about how I�d Iook at you.

I�d know that not GoIding and nobody in the worId couId�ve done more than you did for him.

And I�d Iove you even then.

Even then?

[SOBBING]

OK, Momma. OK, Pop.

[???]

We�re ready, doctor.

Corey.

[???]

No change yet.

It�s too earIy to teII.

But it has been so Iong. I know.

When?

We may be be abIe to teII more in a few hours.

Liza?

It�s after 8. Yes?

It�s time to go to the theatre.

I�m not going. I�m not going.

But, Liza, you must.

Why must I?

Do you think I can go down there without knowing?

DarIing...

You made me do my job this morning. Now I�m going to make you do yours.

There�s nothing you can do here.

I�II take care of Butch. Any change, I�II Iet you know.

No...

I think it�s better if you go. Corey...

Liza, I want you to go, dear.

You�II Iet me know? Yes. I�II Iet you know.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING �� I FIND LOVE��]

? Strange thing You Iinger In this heart of mine ?

? Strange thing You�re something that I can�t define ?

? What means this IiIting song My heart wouId sing? ?

? Is it a passing thing? ?

? Is it a touch of spring? ??

Stay now, everything wiII be aII right.

CHORUS: ? If onIy Iove wiII teII ?

? Strange thing, I know you You�re my heart�s desire ?

? Love�s IoneIy Ionging Of a heart afire ?

? Read, then, my future In the stars abo-- ?

CHORUS: ? The stars up above ?

VICTOR: ? Read and foreteII ?

? AII shaII be-- ?

[MOUTHS] He�s aII right.

[CONDUCTOR BANGS BATON]

? AII shaII be weII ?

CHORUS: ? AII shaII be weII ?

? And I find Iove ?

CHORUS: ? AII shaII be weII today WeII today ?

CHORUS: ? And this eternaI ??

LIZA: Oh, Corey!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

He�s aII right, darIing. He smiIed at me.