Original subtitles

¶¶¶

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[beep]

[woman] Attention students:

Reminder that the upcoming test will determine your eligibility

for any job in your future.

I best recommend studying.

[beep]

[woman] All right. Settle down, enough chitchat.

You out there watching, wherever you are, you shush too.

Welcome to Puffs: Live Off-Broadway.

And welcome to a Certain School of Magic and Magic.

A few announcements.

First off, in case you are not aware,

Puffs is a play,

a play that has been filmed

but just because you may not be in a theater watching--

Stop it!

[woman] --this theatrical performance does not mean

you can't have all the fun that comes with.

So please unwrap your candies now and if you find yourself in need of using the loo,

be sure to make a big show of it.

Now sit back, relax, extend your ears

and enjoy Puffs. [whispering] Puffs.

Puffs. Puffs. Puffs. Puffs.

[ting]

Heroes made, not born,

except sometimes they are born on a gloomy night in a faraway magical land called England.

Oh, a giant or a baby.

His parents dead but he lives. He is the boy who lives.

He has a scar on his forehead

shaped like, well, you know,

-you get it. -[audience laughs]

You are familiar with this boy, hmm. Well, forget about him.

Goodbye.

This story is not about him.

Ah! Another orphan. His parents also dead,

killed in a freak chocolate frog accident. Please, don't ask.

This boy was whisked away to live with his uncle in the even more magical land of

Cattlepoke Springs, New Mexico.

Hee ha. Oh no!

-Well, the boy grows up. -[audience laughs]

And up until a few weeks ago, he's now eleven-year-old boy

with only the regular problems of a child in 1991.

Oh man.

[audience laughs]

Uncle Dave, a bird just flew into our living room and dropped a letter

that says I am a wizard and I need to go to school in England.

[Dave] What kind of bird?

An owl, I think.

Oh my God, I forgot to tell you.

You're a wizard, Wayne.

Also, wizards exist. And you are one, ha ha,

just like your British parents. Oh, shit, your parents were British.

Wow, we got to talk more. Come on, I'll drive you to the airport.

And before he knew it, after a confusing train station experience--

[train whistling]

Oh, Wayne found himself in the gates of a certain school of female magic

and male magic where he would spend the next seven years.

Tonight, we'll be taking an incredibly in-depth look at those seven years

over the next five hours but into two parts. What?

Ninety-ish minutes!

Oh!

Tonight, we'll be taking a look at those seven years.

Seven years that were in one word eventful.

It begins as these stories tend to begin, with a sorting.

Finnigan, Seamus.

[audience laughs]

[male voice] Brave.

Goldstein Anthony.

[male voice] Smart.

-It just says Goyle. -Goyle.

[male voice] Snake.

Granger Hermione.

[audience laughs]

Question. Hypothetical.

What if I don't have enough of a personality for the magical talking hat to sort me?

Like-- like how much authority does the hat actually have?

Never mind.

This place is pretty crazy, huh? I never thought I'd go to school in a castle. Pretty cool.

I never really liked regular school. People were mean

to me.

I'm sorry, I'm talking too much. You probably have all your own nervous thoughts going on.

Can I tell you something? I think I might be special.

I mean, I watch a lot of movies and read a lot of books and it's like

normal boy finds out that he actually has amazing abilities

and gets sucked away to a new magical world.

Does that sound familiar?

Because that is now my actual life.

And the kids with some incredible circumstance always ends up becoming

like the most important person, like, in the whole world, a sort of chosen one.

Magic is real and this orphan boy wizard is ready for seven years of amazing adventures.

[woman clears throat] Mister Potter.

Oh, excuse me.

[audience laughs]

Oh, no hat, not that, anything but that, please.

[male voice] Brave.

Oh, another one.

Student.

-Wayne Hopkins. -Sure, come up here.

[audience laughs]

[loud noise]

[man] Boo!

The pops. Spoiler alert!

Not everyone's favorite, but when a hat speaks, you listen.

And the new recruits were quickly whisked away

to a quaint little basement somewhere near the kitchens.

Welcome to what I like to call year one,

the Puffs and the Sorcerer's attempt at earning points and making friends.

Guys, guess what, we are all wizards.

Yes.

Oh, we shall introduce ourselves.

My name is J. Finch-Fletchley. I am boyish and fun.

Hi.

I'm Susie Bones. Once upon a time my entire family was murdered,

except for my aunt.

Hi.

I'm Wayne. I've read The Silmarillion twice.

Hi.

I'm Sally Perks and I go to this school.

Hi.

Who's that?

Oh, it's me, Ernie Mac. I'm basically the best, so. Hey.

Hi.

Who's that?

It's me, Hannah.

I'm Hannah.

Hi.

I was recently camping with my grandparents and you're the first other children

that I've ever seen. And I'm a wizard. And my name is Leanne.

Hi.

I'm Oliver Rivers and I'm just here to keep

my head down and get a fundamental understanding of wizarding basics.

Hi.

Megan Jones.

Yup, that's right. Just so we're clear, I'm not like you, any of you. So, leave me alone.

-Hi. -Shhh!

My name is Cedric.

¶¶¶

[all cheering]

[laughing]

Folks, start gathering around, don't be shy.

Welcome to the Puffs!

Hi.

Just a few things to get you acquainted to the school.

First, the stairs move.

[gasping]

Don't freak out, just breathe.

Second, the Puffs don't exactly have the best reputation here.

-People will make jokes about you, throw food at you. -Oh!

-Oh! -They might curse you.

Uh!

In fact, here is a list of curses you can expect to be hit by

at some point in the next week.

[gasp]

Oh!

But none of that matters because really we're a bunch of nice,

fun, happy people, also badges.

[audience laughs]

Badges are great.

That being said, there's something very important we need to discuss.

What do you think the most important part of magic school is?

-Learning magic. -Wrong.

The House Cup.

Here, you earn points for doing something right.

[ting]

You lose them for doing something wrong.

[low trumpet noise]

Puffs have come in last place in the House Cup for... ever.

But together we are going to change that.

This year we're going to win.

Oh, we're going to get second.

Oh!

We're going to get third!

Third or nothing.

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

Third or nothing!

Whoever gets the most points, they'd be a real hero.

Me?

Maybe.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'm off to bed.

Oh, if Cedric is going to bed, I'm going to bed too. J Finch, out.

-Okay! -Really good idea.

So, it's official!

The next seven years are going to suck. You believe this group of dingbats?

I thought everyone seemed nice.

You're talking to me? You're not running away?

Why would we do that?

Everyone knows my mom worked for you-know-who.

Who?

The Dark Lord.

-Who? -Whatever, the guy was a super evil wizard.

There are evil wizards?

Yes. And my mom was one of his most feared followers.

I warn you. I'm just as badass as her.

Megan, our beds are stacked on top of each other magically.

It's a bunkbed!

-We're wizards. -Argh!

[audience laughs]

I'm going to go hang out with the snakes where I belong.

You can't leave, you might lose points.

Watch me!

[low trumpet noise]

You new to all this too?

-Yes, all of it. You're not British. -No. New Jersey.

My-- my family just moved to England back in May so they could be closer

to me when I started at the Mathematical Institute at Oxford this semester.

-But you're eleven. -Oh,

I know, I've sort of been called a math savant but that's

not important now. Now I'm just a wizard.

A beginner level wizard.

You don't think ending up here means we're already bad at wizarding, right?

I'm not used to being bad at school.

We just have to focus on earning those points and the rest will take care of itself.

I mean, it's just magic.

How hard can it possibly be?

-[bell rings] -I'm so excited.

Sit, everyone.

[audience laughs]

Now, you are here to learn the art

of potion tomato.

-Puffs. -Hi.

Can anyone tell me

what is a potion?

Oh, it's what you put on your skin to make it feel soft.

No. That's lotion.

It's that place where all the fishes live.

Wrong. That's the ocean.

[audience laughs]

It's a starchy root vegetable.

You mean a potato.

[audience laughs]

It is magic liquid.

You're the most dunned-headed students I've ever seen sit in my class.

If you manage to succeed in my class,

I will eat... sh!

Ten points from the Puffs.

[low trumpet noise]

I ate tissue once and it didn't taste good but it didn't taste bad.

Class dismissed.

-Transfiguration. -[bell rings]

The art of-- oh Puffs.

-Hi. -Yes, hello.

We are going to turn things into other things.

Just go crazy.

-Yes. -Oh, Mister Rivers, oh dear,

your wand technique is all wrong.

-Here, you get to use the training wand. -[audience laughs]

Five points from the Puffs.

[low trumpet noise]

[stuttering] Defense against the--

[whispering voice] Ya!

You will pay for this insolence.

-[Puff] Where did that voice come from? -Ten points from the Puffs!

-[low trumpet noise] -[Puffs] Oh!

Oh, is there a math class? Please tell me next is math class.

Next we have something called herbology. I hope it's not scary.

-Or confusing. -Class,

we are going to look at plants.

Yay, plants!

Okay. I will admit, with the exception of herbology, which is awesome,

this isn't easy.

Well, maybe we should just go sit in our room and hide

for seven years, so we don't lose any more points.

It's only the first day. Besides, we have our first flying lesson

right after the Braves who are going now.

If you want it so bad, you'll have to catch it.

Oh, I did it, I caught the ball. I did it. Whoa.

Potter, what's a blithering whimper snatch.

What are you two broom-heads looking at? Eat slug!

[laughing]

Vomiting slugs. What would the plants say? Fifty points from the Puffs.

[low trumpet noise]

You've just been malfoyed!

Wizard school is just like regular school.

Oh, sad.

But now you know I think it's time for something a bit more festive.

Whoa! It's the Halloween feast! J. Finch approved.

¶¶¶

Hey, Megan.

Oliver, where have you been?

Sorry, I have been working on charms, I think. I've got it. Essentional!

[whimpering]

[low trumpet noise]

Oh, I can't lose any more points, Wayne. Everyone hates us enough already.

Look, it's Halloween. Let's just sit back, relax, and hope nothing bad happens.

[long play scratching]

Troll, in the dungeon!

Puffs emergency formation number four!

We are not a threat, please be our friend.

[man] There we go.

Wait, Ron! I just had a thought.

Hermione! Yes I know that Ron, but she doesn't know about the Troll

and we have to go save her.

Meanwhile, in the Puff common room.

We are not a threat, please be our friend.

It's going to kill us all.

No. Somebody told me it was my long-lost twin sister.

No, I get it, they were bullying me.

J. Finch, you're too young to die.

Everyone, everyone, calm down. We are safe in our basement.

This will be the only time our lives will ever be in danger here ever.

[audience laughs]

Now, I am off to bed.

Oh...

Wait, Oliver, Megan's not here.

Oh, no! Does she need to be saved or something?

No, she's probably out there losing points. We have to stop her.

I'm sorry, we?

It's up to all of us to protect those points.

This is it, Oliver, the points are how to become heroes. Let's go!

[Megan] Wow, that corridor is full of some horrifying stuff.

Oh, that's why it's forbidden. I get it.

[audience laughs]

Whoa, weird mirror.

Whoa, demon mirror!

Boo!

Hey, I've told you not to sneak up on me like that.

Hello, a Fat Friar.

Megan, you can just say Friar. And what are you doing all alone on Halloween?

Shouldn't you be with your friends?

Friends? You're like the only person that talks to me.

Oh, my wizard god, I just realized how pathetic that is.

-Ouch, my self-esteem. -It's just like

come on mom, break out of wizard prison already

and come rescue me from this hell hole.

Please. I wonder what she's doing.

I'd like to take this moment to formally introduce you to Xavier Joe,

a Puff, a dark wizard.

They say few that have crossed their path and lived to tell the tale.

And I mean look at her, she looks pretty crazy.

But lucky for us, she is locked away in an inescapable wizard prison

and will probably never get out.

Probably.

[audience laughs]

Anyways, maybe you'd like to play whiz checkers.

-Perhaps those two sneaky boys over there would like to join. -[screaming]

-[Oliver] Run for your life! -Get out here now.

So, you followed me Hopkins? Spying on me? Turning on my dorky past?

-No, we were just trying to find you. -To protect you from the Troll.

And to make sure you didn't lose any more points.

Do I look like I need protection from the two of you?

Wait, a Troll? Oh, where? I want it as a pet!

Megan, this is why you don't have any friends.

[audience laughs]

-Shut up, Fatty. -Self-esteem.

[audience laughs]

These two are going to get what they deserve. Hmm. what would my mom do in a situation like this?

I think she'd torture you. Prepare to meet your doom!

No, wait, wait, wait, what if-- what if-- what if instead of torturing us we just all

hung out like friends?

-[Megan] Excuse me? -What? Stop already!

Yeah. We are all kind of the worst people at the school.

Why not be the worst together?

Megan shouldn't have to be alone just because her mom is evil.

Hey, I think it's cool you hang out with Mister Friar.

Hey, Mister Friar. I like it.

Right, Oliver?

Yeah, we can hang out with the Fat Friar too.

-Oh, my self-esteem! -[audience laughs]

You promise this isn't a joke?

I promise. Us Puffs have to stick together.

I am not a Puff. The Hat got it wrong.

-I am the most not Puffiest person you'll ever meet, got it? -Got it.

Got it.

How about letting us go?

I guess.

I dub you friends.

Is that how this works?

I don't have friends.

[Friar] Sure.

Okay, great. Glad we settled that.

Now we should probably get out of here. If we get caught, we would lose so many points.

Students caught lurking while a Troll is about. The plants will be so disappointed.

Oh, wait, I was hunting the Troll so I could shove my wand up its nose

and I don't know, murder it.

-But these two friends taught me the error of my ways. -Mm.

-Fifty points to the Puffs each. -[tings]

The plants love life lessons. So, goodnight.

Yes!

Guys, I think this is the start of something really great.

-[Wayne] Oh, weird mirror. -Yes, a weird mirror

with the power to show the greatest desire of the onlooker's heart.

You know one must wonder what these three would see whilst looking in it.

I am being handed a medal.

I saved all the wizards. I'm a hero. I'm the hero.

And I made the Puffs the best most important house forever.

And I have a light saber!

[audience laughs]

I finally do it, a brand new theorem that makes differential calculus

look like trigonometry for dum-dums. Awesome.

-I don't see anything. -[Oliver] That's weird. You sure?

I don't want to cut this short but we probably should get out of here.

Yes. What do you think this mirror is?

Maybe it's the future. That must be our future! We're going to be so cool!

But what did Miss Jones see in her reflection? Well--

My mom. She wants to go somewhere far away, just us.

The future, huh? All right!

Whoa! How did this rock get in there?

Oh my, suddenly I am obligated to tell

you that this was not the only lifelong friendship forged on October 31, 1991.

Well, you two, it looks like we are going to be real good mates forever.

We get it!

[audience laughs]

Jesus Merlin Christ, some people.

Lumos!

Lumos!

Lumos!

It's in the way you move your wrist, like a little circle.

Lumos!

Wayne, right?

Yes, yeah. Yes, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hi, Cedric.

Listen, man, winning all of those points, pretty cool.

You really started something. Everyone is earning points now, look.

-Repeto! -[ting]

-Alohomora! -[ting]

Olive Guardian Leviosa.

-No! It's Olive Guardian Leviosaaa! -[repeated tings]

We're wizards.

We are moving up! I think we're finally going to do it this year.

Third place.

Cedric.

Third place.

[audience laughs]

Oh, Cedric thinks I'm cool. I feel like I could do anything right now. Lumos!

Guess I'll go watch the sports game.

[voice] Sports! For those joining us, the players are trying to throw the ball

through the hoops to score points. But don't get hit by those other balls.

Oh, he got the ball. Wow!

Game over and the Puffs lose in their shortest game ever. How sad.

Students, gather around. Yes, yes, another year.

What a year it has been.

And now the House Cup needs awarding.

In fourth place, the Braves with 312 points. In third place, the Puff.

-Can I hear a third place? -Third place!

¶ Third or nothing That's who we are ¶

-[long play scratching] -Yes, yes, well done, snakes.

However, recent events must be taken into account.

Now you may find yourselves asking can he give out more points now?

Well, yes, yes he can.

And so, the headmaster ended up dishing out a couple of extra points

for some questionable accomplishments.

A chess game?

-Logic? Pure nerve? -[tings]

-Standing up to friends? -[ting]

And so, it seems we need a change of decoration.

Ha ha! Oh, me.

No!

Hey, don't be sad. This year we've learned skills and built friendships

-and nobody died except that teacher. What a year! -[audience laughs]

You can't put a number on life unless you can,

in which case we go four, fourth place for us.

Oh!

But hey, we're wizards!

-[audience laughs] -Yeah!

And that was the class of 98s first year of magic school.

Now year two, the second year, you're older, you're wiser,

you're ready for a safe fun year.

Nope, welcome to year two!

The Puffs on the age of Giant Snake that began attacking students.

The same year it was discovered that certain other students could talk to snakes.

Not yet! First, school work.

What is this concoction matter of mad, Mister Oliver?

-A potion. -I think remedial potions will be in order this year.

Oliver, you were to transfigure this beetle into a person. Now what is so difficult about that?

-Everything. -Remedial transfiguration, Oliver.

-[bell rings] -History of magic.

Magic history.

Wizards history.

Remedial history of magic, Mister Oliver.

But I'm-- I'm a smart person.

I'm a-- I'm a smart person.

Now...

Hey, cut it out. Seriously, leave me alone.

Get away from here, now!

Man, I hope something really bad happens to that kid.

Yikes! Halloween arrived and probably with a nasty surprise.

A secret chamber has been opened. There's a monster.

There's a message written in blood. It's the coolest thing ever. I'll submit the books now.

Well, naturally, naturally, less people are as excited about this as one could imagine.

There are no theories about this. It's my job to make sure you're all educated.

-So, who wants to come to dueling club? -[ting]

Now, none of us wouldn't end up like that poor boy,

the one that was attacked, the one with the camera.

No, we certainly didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

[audience laughs]

Let's get two volunteers up here. Mister Potter, Mister Malfoy.

Snake spell!

See if this is the Snake!

See if it is going to die!

Snake. No.

-Snake, what are you doing? -[audience laughs]

Don't bite. Justin, leave us alone.

Unfortunately, this is not what the rest of the school heard. This is.

[screaming]

-Harry tried to kill me. -[Puff] He's going to kill everyone.

[dramatic music]

We are not a threat, please be our friend.

That settles it then. Potter is there with snakes. Someone has to stop him.

-He is going to kill us all. -No.

It's just old J. Finch he's after. And I never got to--

I never going to eat all the flavored beans.

Justin, we will keep you safe. Just promise you won't leave this common room.

-Promise you won't leave. -I promise.

-Well, I'm going to leave now, bye. -Bye.

Oh, have fun leaving.

-Let's all go to bed. -Okay.

I'm J Finch, finching around, finching the holes, finching himself, finching his friends,

-finching the world. Oh, hi, Mister Nick. -Hello, Justin.

Oh-oh, better get out of here before someone sees me.

[screaming]

Nobody understands Harry.

[audience laughs]

Last time our lives will be in danger here definitely.

[audience laughs]

They got J. Finch. We have to be careful.

Who knows what could be lurking around every corner.

Well, if any of the books I've been reading mean anything, there's definitely a monster

and it's out to kill everyone. It's super cool!

I mean meritorious. I'm into books now.

This is a lot for twelve-year-olds to handle.

The adults aren't helping, so I think it falls to me to find this monster, defeat Potter,

and go down in history as the hero of the school.

-I don't know if you're qualified for any of that. -Get an award.

Megan, take Oliver to safety, it's definitely coming for him next.

-What? -It's after Mug borns.

You're a Mug born, which means you're next.

Oh my wizard god, what is that?

Huh, just kidding.

Wow. It's going to be a fun year.

Wayne, if I get petrified, please make sure I am in a dignified position.

[audience laughs]

Okay, this must be it,

the thing I am supposed to do to make that magic future mirror reflect

to my awesome future self, my actual future.

I just got to kill a monster.

I can find it inside myself, my inner

Robocop,

my spiritual John McClane! Yeah.

Hey, monster, puff on this. Phew, phew...

-Oh, I'm sorry, my fault. -No, no, I was just--

[ting]

Hi.

I'm Wayne.

-Ginny, my name is Ginny. -[audience laughs]

-It was nice meeting you-- -Hey, you--

-Yes? -Forgot your diary.

No! What will they make me do next?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, if-- if it's a bad one, you just

put it somewhere no one will ever find it, like-- like a toilet or something.

A toilet. Maybe.

Thanks, Wayne.

¶¶¶

[long play scratches]

Wow.

I am in love.

As soon as I become the hero of the school, that girl will want to marry me.

This is really my year.

Students, gather around. Yes, yes. Now I just want to reaffirm

to you all that even in the face of grave danger

the doors of this school will always remain open.

-No, they will not. -Never mind a redhead has been kidnapped,

school is canceled forever. Go home.

Yes! Forget books. Suck it, everyone.

Never mind, the monster is dead. Now let's all hear a round of applause for the boy

who fought it alone, Mister Potter.

Not completely alone. Ron helped. I'm the hero of the school.

Yes, yes. Now you all know I don't pick favorites, but, Harry,

he is my favorite.

Now please, I would like to take a moment of silence

for my pet bird who tragically died.

-[bird squeaks] -Never mind, he is alive again.

Exams are canceled. See you next year.

Yeah!

Year two, the one with the snakes...

-J Finch finching around. -Ta-da.

The summer of '93 and our trio were determined to keep in touch the old-fashioned way

by writing two copies of the same letter and then sending it by owl across the world.

Dear Megan and Oliver, so this new movie just came out.

It's called Free Willy . It's about this young boy's adventure to free a whale.

It was amazing. And I was just thinking about how adventures

come in all shapes and sizes. I know mine is coming.

I just have to find my own whale. I just have to free my own Willy.

[audience laughs]

-Wayne. P. S. How does this owl know where to go? -[owl hoots]

-Wayne, yeah, sure, free your Willy. -[audience laughs]

-I'll see you soon. Oliver. -[owl hoots]

Uncle Dave here.

There's an owl in my living room. Bird.

Wayne, Oliver, Wayne's Uncle Willy's whatever. Big news!

A mass murderer broke out of wizard prison.

What if my mom sent him after me to rescue me from that shitty school?

I've got a feeling this year things are going to get really

serious.

[audience laughs]

-P. S. the guy's name is Serious. -[owl hoots]

A murderer on the loose? Rut roh.

Luckily, wizard government safety measures have been put into effect,

something that will make the children feel

safe.

[distant animal noises]

[man] Lumos!

No!

Correct! Expecting an expectation!

Yeah!

[clapping and cheering]

Very safe!

Yeah, you in the front row--take this--it's magic chocolate.

A Ro-lo, yes. It'll make you feel happy again.

You in the back, I am sorry. You're sad forever.

Safety is the name of the game in year three.

The Puffs in pajamas because a mass-murderer got into the school.

I'm telling you guys, the headmaster looks different this year.

[audience laughs]

Oliver,

I am a little more concerned with the murderer coming to our school.

Hey, Megan, what if he's not coming to rescue you,

what if he's coming to murder someone?

Nope, he's definitely coming to rescue me. And it'll be a super huge deal

because this year I'll be spending my time with the Braves.

And everything notable that happens happens to them.

[glass shattering]

[Megan] Like this guy.

I'm Neville.

I'm Brave.

If you need me, we will be out there being both rebellious and charming and brave.

Guys, guys, guys, come to my slumber party.

It's in the great hall on the floor and it's going to be so much fun.

But I warn you, I snore. Want to see?

Sorry, I was having a dream that I was a unicorn

but I didn't have a horn and I was eating hay.

[audience laughs]

-We have to really-- -It's pretty heavy, so don't do the action.

Everyone is busy.

Oh! What's this?

Oh! You boys are throwing a slumber party, oooh.

Hi, Sally.

Hi, Sally.

I don't have a sleeping bag. I guess I'll have to share.

Oh!

Well, guess I'll be seeing you boys around.

Oh my, my, Sally Perks certainly perked up, if you know what I--

I have to go.

In year three, students are allowed to take electives

enthralling subjects such as...

Divination, the art of seeing the future.

Oooh, the future. Ooh thee in our eye, te-hee

-death, death is coming to you all. -[evil voice echoes her]

No!

-Well, class dismissed. -[bell rings]

Ancient Runes, it's about rocks.

How old do you think this rune is right here?

Guess what... Isn't that chip fruit?

-Is this useful in any way? -No. class dismissed for ever.

Well, ryth mancy, another class I'm sure I'll fail.

Welcome class to Math study.

-[Oliver] Sorry, wrong room. -Now, can anyone tell me what this is?

-That is a toaster. -Ooh, a smarty smart, a regular Einstein.

We will cover him later. Now can anyone tell me what algebra is?

[audience laughs]

I'd like to stay in this class, please.

Wait a second. How's Granger in all three of our classes at the same time?

-Magic. -[man] No, no.

Oh, honestly?

And so, we agree it was off to an eventful yet safe start.

But all that would change on, you guessed it, Halloween.

-[beep] -[headmaster] Attention, students. The headmaster here.

The murderer is in the school.

He attacked a portrait, then left. Report to the Great Hall. I said now.

[beep]

We are not a threat, please be our friend.

Guys, guys, the whole school came to my slumber party!

Why is everyone so sad and frightened?

-That poor painting. -That poor painting.

Hey, guys, somebody told me that the murderer is only going after pretty girls.

So, I don't have to wo...

[audience laughs]

I get it, they were bullying me.

Everyone, I've been told to inform you,

it looks like we'll be spending the whole night here.

No!

But hey, how about a story to help you get to sleep?

How about a story about the Puffs?

-A cool one? -Yeah.

It's the story of Helga, the first Puff, that's a pretty cool story.

[murmurs]

All right then! Once upon a time--

A professional will take it from here.

From the tragic, yet rewarding history

of the Puffs chapter two. There once lived an excellent cook

who also happened to be a witch. Her name was Helga.

Have you seen my cup? It's a nice cup.

[audience laughs]

Oh, badgers.

She can't be found hanging out with her special friends.

Oh, let's play a game. Who can read all the books? Oops, I won. I am so smart.

Why don't we play a different game that is if you are brave enough?

Did someone mention bravery in passing? Meow!

-Hey, guys. -Well, we have all of this magical knowledge.

Why don't we start a school?

And so, they imagined a castle into existence. But then they have an important question

to answer. What type of student would they admit?

Students who are brave.

Students who are smart.

Students who are blonde, rich,

-assholes. -Oh.

[audience laughs]

Students who are well-- Oh.

[male voice] Attention students, it's time for sleep. Go into sleep. Now!

Oh, but how did it end?

It's all right, we'll finish some other time. Goodnight.

-Or, how about I finish it for him now? -Ooh.

Helga was so stupid she couldn't come up with anything,

so they just gave her all the dumb kids. The Puffs.

The end.

Worst slumber party ever.

Megan,

you alright?

I never wanted to be a Puff.

Every member of my family Puffs were like the Puff family.

But I've always known I was different. There's nothing even special about Puffs.

You don't even have a thing. Loyalty, being really nice,

bunch of lame failures doomed to be stupid walking personality

who's nobody and no one will ever care about ever, oh.

My mom was a Puff but she was different.

She became something bigger.

She made the name Jones finally mean something other than a bunch of Puffs.

I thought-- I knew

I would be different too.

But after all my hard work to make myself not a Puff,

what do you know? The Hat puts me with the Puffs.

I did everything.

I mean, I even got rid of my accents once of my Puff family.

Oh.

It's not fair.

Well, I, for one, am happy you are not kidnapped by a mass murderer

or rescued.

And I'd like to think you've at least met two Puffs who are kind of okay.

Ha.

I guess, sort of.

Sorry to bring the mood down.

Sorry to make things so serious.

[audience laughs]

She's not coming here ever.

I feel the need to hug. Don't tell anyone.

Oh.

I am coming in.

Why are we hugging? Wait, don't tell me, I'll figure it out.

Hey, everyone, I'm sorry I was mean. You're not stupid.

-That's okay, right? Puff hug. -Oh!

-Fine, Puff hug. -Yay, Puff hug!

[beep] [male voice] Attention students, you're all safe, we think.

Don't forget tomorrow you have a field trip into town. Have fun.

Field trip!

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down ¶

¶ Lift your cups ¶

¶ Never put it down Lift up your cups ¶

[audience laughs]

Hey, guys

that serious guy.

I hear he can turn into a flowery shrub.

[audience laughs]

It's true.

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down Lift your-- ¶

I heard a rumor that our new teacher is aware.

-No, wait, aware-- -Aware of what?

¶ Take a pumpkin drink take a butter drink ¶

¶ Take a bio drink Take a pumpkin drink ¶

Hey!

Sorry.

-Yes! -Okay.

¶ Loyalty, hard work ¶

[crying]

I have flashbacks to my petrified days.

I never want to sleep again.

J. Flinch is done for a lifetime.

I know how you feel. Life is a nightmare.

Yeah!

Guys, I don't know how I got out here.

Yeah!

So, Puffs, we are getting totally butter buzz!

Wait. Anyone know what place we're in for the House Cup this year?

You would have to ask--

-Forth place! -Forth place!

My God, you are thirteen.

[audience laughs]

Concluded. I know you've been having a good time so far, right?

But I must warn you, fate; it's never kind to a hero.

But who does fate hate even more

besides characters?

Dear Megan and all, so

my Uncle Dave died.

It was sudden and weird.

Weird because I don't think anyone really cared.

No one really knew him. I barely even did.

At the end he was just some dead, unimportant guy.

And I don't want that to happen to me. I want to be a part of something big,

something important, at least once in my life.

Weird. Wayne.

Wayne, at least our fourth year is starting soon.

You can forget about death for a while. Oliver.

Yes, back to school where nothing dangerous ever happens.

Attention, students.

Same headmaster here.

[audience laughs]

This year we're hosting two other wizard schools, one with French people.

Bonjour. Je suis superié.

Baguette!

And the Dragger Strang Institute.

They are all very intimidating and they break dance.

I cannot be defeated.

[audience laughs]

If he dies, he dies.

They're here to compete alongside one of you in a very dangerous wizarding tournament.

Now anyone wishing to participate, please put your name in this cup.

We will draw names on Halloween.

Well, things only get more exciting in year four.

The Puffs and the year they mattered.

It's Halloween, let's find out who our competitors will be.

Whoever it is, we're stuck focusing on them for the entire year.

If the school has taught me anything, we're going to be disappointed.

-Yeah. -Ow, hot fire!

[audience laughs]

Mister Diggory.

Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!

Oh my gosh, this is it. This thing I've been waiting for.

This is our time to know limelight. This year is all about the Puffs.

-And no one can take that from us. -Yeah!

Ow, hot fire again.

[audience laughs]

Mister Potter.

-Mister Potter. -Oh, oh, what did I get into this time?

Harry!

Did you put your name in that little cup over there?

Did you?

I am the definition of calm right now.

[audience laughs and claps]

Wait, never mind that. We have a job to do.

We have to make sure the right winner wins.

Potters had his turn. Cedric is our champion.

Cedric!

Great.

-Let's go make some badges. -Badges.

Wait, I am president of...

No, I didn't, Ron.

Oh, is that what you think, Ron?

Well, fine, Ron.

I guess we're not friends.

Not anymore.

[audience laughs]

Well, hey, I'm sure you two will be all right, you know, it's-- whoa,

well, calm down, okay, there's no need for you to be an asshole.

Hey, you can bloody hell yourself.

Jeez, you really are the worst member of your family.

-[audience laughs] -[bell rings]

-Cedric! Cedric! Cedric! -Settle down, class.

Settle down!

[audience laughs]

Now, today's lesson: curses that are not forgivable.

Trust me, because I am the ordinary, not fake Moody.

Got it?

Yes, Real Mister Moody.

-Now there's a curse where you control people. -Ooh.

-There's a curse where you hurt people. -Ah.

And there's a curse that kills.

We call it the green lights curse,

because when you do it, there is a bright green light.

Avada Kedavra!

-Now who wants to see me mess with some spider? -Me, me.

Cedric!

Are you ready for the first task?

I think I was born ready. First spell!

What?

Cedric, are you nervous?

I'd be nervous once it's over.

-Erectia! -Wow, what the--

[audience laughs]

Yes. But Cedric, will you win?

Repel!

-He fixed these glasses I was holding. -Wow.

Getting to compete against three great wizards and learn all about the wizarding cultures,

I think I already won.

-Cedric, I was wondering if maybe you had a minute. -Sure.

-I'll see you guys later. -Bye, Cedric. You are the best.

You are a wizard, Cedric. Okay.

-Hi, Wayne. -Hi, hi, hi.

So-- so I've been staying up all night, well not all night,

but all night and sort of researching past tournaments to see what kind of creatures

they might throw at you for the first task.

I definitely won't say no to help. Give me a few of them.

Okay. So, in 1792 they had to catch cockatrices.

-What would you do? -I would

use magic.

Avea forms!

[creature crying]

You're not wrong.

What about an angry Veela?

Walk up to her, gently move a strand of hair behind her ear,

take her hand and show her just why they call me Diggory.

Then use magic. Cheerio!

-Awesome. -Avea forms!

[creature crying]

Awesome.

Okay. So I must admit that I don't totally know a lot about

-fantastic beasts or even where one might find them. -[audience laughs]

So, sorry. Throwing some things that I thought might exist like a Balrog.

No, okay. Or, ooh Beholder.

Not real, sorry. Okay. Or

-Mister Snuffleupagus. -Can I see that?

This is really in-depth.

What ancient language is this?

Oh! Modern English.

Right.

Do you mind if I hang on to this?

Please?

Definitely. Thanks for letting me help you.

Thank me-- thank you. Avea forms!

[creature crying]

If I managed to win this thing, I'm telling everyone it was because of your help.

-Cool. -Excuse me. Cedric, it's dragons.

Dragons. Anything else you prepared for forget it. Dragon!

Thanks.

Hey, you guys should probably stop wearing those badges.

Harry, wake up!

I told them to stop wearing the badges.

Dragon is on page 256!

They like to eat dogs, if that helps.

Who is throwing all of these birds?

I should get a good seat.

-And, finally, it was time for the first task! -Yeah!

Just a lesson!

Microphonist!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 1994

Triwizard Tournament!

Now, are you ready?

Then let's hear it for your first champion.

Weighing in at 12 and 1/4 inches with a hair of unicorn

hailing from the great town of St. Catchpole,

he's a prefect in the streaks, he's a seeker in the sheets.

Put your hands together for this six-year Mister Diggory

Cedric!

He'll have to obtain the golden egg on the field.

But in order to do so, first you'll have to get past this highly

dangerous dragon.

[roaring]

[ring bells]

It's time to begin!

[Puffs] Cedric! Cedric! He's our man.

If he can't do it, we'll still be happy we have this chance.

Go Cedric!

-Igneous canine atone! -Pa pow! Pa pow!

He's gonna racket it! That's from my book! He read my book!

...after the night stall!

Cedric has turned the rock into an adorable barking puppy to distract the dragon.

Oh!

And the dragon has ripped the head off the dog and there is now a dead dog on the field.

And the dragon has turned on Cedric and Cedric is on fire.

Do not be confused by the tone of my voice.

He is literally on fire.

And he's got the egg!

[narrator] Need I remind everyone that there is still a dragon right there?

Yay! Uh, yay!

The results of the first task, Cedric came in a very exciting second place.

Frenchie, she came in third.

Dragon send oh me baguette.

[man] A victor tied for first.

-I must break you. -To the victor tied with--

I did it, I got the golden egg against all odds, I did it.

And that my friends is the story of how four dragons were tricked into believing

one of their children had been stolen from them.

Now a highly dangerous first task was done.

The time had come for something truly terrifying.

A school dance.

-A school dance? No, not going. -We have to, to support Cedric.

-But a school dance. -We have to find dates.

Who would want to go with us?

I kind of have one person in mind.

-Oh, go for it. -Yeah. What's the worst that can happen?

Ginny, would you like to go to the ball with me?

Sure!

Oh, hi, Wayne.

[romantic music]

[long play screeching]

Yikes. If it makes you feel better,

that Longbottom kid, he's ugly and he'll probably stay ugly forever.

[audience laughs]

While true, that still doesn't help me find a date to this ball.

Well, how about this?

Right now, forget nerves, forget her, just ask the next person that you see.

-Okay. -Hi!

Leanne, Wayne here has a question. A question.

-A question? What's that? -Would you just--

Wayne.

Leanne,

has anyone asked you to the ball yet?

Just my imaginary friend J. Finch-Fletchley, but I said no because he's imaginary.

[audience laughs]

Well, would you like to go with me?

Sure! I'll go get ready!

It's still like a week-- okay.

-Now you have to ask the next person you see. -Okay.

Megan, you definitely don't have a date, right?

Not how I would have started this.

Oh! We could go, you know, together.

Better you than some other loser, I guess.

Better than Mister Imaginary.

[audience laughs]

J. Finch doesn't exist.

J. Finch can go wherever he wants.

[audience laughs]

I am boyish and sassy.

[audience laughs]

-Anyway, so we are people with dates. -Yeah, dates.

I'm not. I want to ask Joe but I'm so embarrassed.

-Bye Wayne. -Don't leave me.

[audience laughs]

Hey, over the summer I went to this crazy sports tournament

and I got there by touching a boot.

Boots can take you anywhere.

Bye, Wayne.

Wee!

Cedric, hey, congrats on the first task.

Thanks, Wayne. Up top!

So, you got a date to the ball yet?

I'm going to be occupied with figuring out this golden egg.

I've done everything. I tried opening it.

[audience laughs]

That's it?

It just screams. Watch.

[screaming]

Maybe-- maybe it's a riddle. I used to work the riddle books in the bathtub.

A bathtub? Would that really help?

Diggory, use the bathtub. Trust me.

All right. Bathtub, it is.

Thanks real Mister Moody. See you, Wayne.

Cedric, I-- I-- I hear Cho might be interested in going to the ball with you.

You should just ask her.

Hm. Sure, why not?

Thanks, mate.

Oh! Mate.

He might have asked her on his own.

Eventually.

I just helped.

I helped.

[soft music]

Imagine a bathroom.

[frog croaking]

A fancy bathroom, the nice toilets, the decorative sinks,

a bathtub, an enormous bathtub.

A bathtub so big.

You'd show your friends, they'd be like, I mean, yeah it's a big tub.

I don't know why I doubted you about the size of this tub.

Why do we keep coming in here, Craig?

You know, a bathroom.

Now, imagine a seventeen-year-old boy.

Yas!

Now let's all watch this seventeen-year-old boy use the bathroom.

Hello, bathtub.

Hello, Cedric.

All right, tub.

Egg, show me your secrets.

[screaming]

Stop that dreadful racket... Oh, hello. Oh, hello!

[screaming]

Hi. My name's Cedric.

-You're Myrtle, right? -Oh, you know who I am.

See, you wouldn't have any ideas how to get this egg to show me its secrets?

-I was told the bath would help. -Who told you that?

This guy named Wayne.

You know, sometimes you meet someone and you can just tell they are going to be great.

That's Wayne. Loyal to a tee, a real Puff.

Oh.

I mean that in a good way.

Enough about him! Let's talk about us here.

Myrtle lonely, Cedric. Myrtle wants to moan--

I have to go in the bathtub now! Bye!

¶¶¶

¶ Mermaids still your friends ¶

Mermaids!

I get it now!

-Mermaids. -Dragons again.

[audience laughs]

Mermaids. Yes!

-Thanks, Myrtle. -Oh, anything for you, Cedric. You are so cool.

Thanks.

Bye, bathtub!

-Bye, Cedric. -Goodbye, Cedric.

Think of me every time you see a toilet.

But wait a minute! Do you hear that sound?

[bells tingling]

It's British Christmas.

Happy Christmas everyone!

-[audience] Happy Christmas! -Oh, thank you everyone.

Now, after days eating sweets and opening presents, some of them containing, ugh,

personalized sweaters-- he is so poor.

Anyway, it was time for the ball. DJ!

¶¶¶

Well, look at everyone dancing.

You know I've only ever been to one dance before, it was with my mom.

It was normal. It was a mother-son dance.

-Everyone was there with their moms. -You're such a loser!

-Do you want to-- Never mind. -How about we? Never mind.

-You look nice. -Well, I tried.

I actually tried. This is your fault.

This year it's been nice to--

it's just this year you've been yourself and you are neat--

real neat.

Thank you.

-Don't you dare tell anyone I accepted that compliment. -I won't. Ow!

Should we just-- let's-- I'm not your mom.

Oh, sure.

[romantic music]

¶ A really short Slow dance song ¶

That was a really short slow dance song.

Hey everyone, let's show them our Puff spot formation number seven!

Left!

Ah!

Bus!

-Roll ball! -Cedric!

-Yeah! Yeah! -Ready.

Megan!

[audience laughs]

Close.

Now I'm off to bed.

[buzzer]

[narrator] Ladies and gentlemen, squibs and squabs, get ready for the eventful

entertaining, visually exciting second task.

Your champions have one hour to find something that has been lost in that lake.

Spoiler alert! It's their friends.

On your marks, get set, go!

[splash]

[audience laughs]

We're just staring at a lake.

Just looking at a lake.

Oh!

Um...

No.

I thought I saw something.

I did not.

I swam in a lake once but I got thirsty and I almost drowned.

[audience laughs]

Ah! Lake!

One hour later. The results.

-Frenchie failed horribly. -[speaking in French]

Followed by Victor who turned into a shark.

Very nice.

I win for me.

For me!

Harry should have gotten third place.

The judges decided to award Harry second because he was nice to French people.

[speaking in French]

This time first none other than Cedric!

Cedric! Cedric! Cedric!

The third task was months away and everyone collectively remembered, oh, yeah

this is a school, maybe we should study.

I see you, book!

I see you, book!

Book, come here!

[audience laughs]

Please.

God, I hate you book. You are the worst book. You suck, book!

Why are you yelling at books, Wayne? Hey, book, you're dumb.

[audience laughs]

That is fun.

I was just trying to summon it.

Year four. Pretty difficult tests.

-I see you, book. -Oh, yeah.

The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of the Puffs.

-You make it look so easy. -Try again.

I see you, book!

You know what the best part about being a Puff is?

Besides being so close to the kitchen.

That's really great.

You fail.

A lot.

You just fail and fail, you fail over here and you fail over there and then

you fail a lot more.

[audience laughs]

But failure, Wayne, is just another form of practice,

as long as you never stop trying.

So,

try again.

I see you, book!

Eventually, you get better.

No, you should hang on to that book. It can help whenever you're feeling like--

like a failure.

It certainly helped me.

I'll need it.

-I suck at magic. -How about this?

To thank you for all your support, once the third task is done,

I'll teach you everything I know.

-Really? -I'd be happy to.

-We'll be just like wizard Batman and Robin. -Bat

man.

It's...

It's from the thing.

-We're tough as the bat. -Don't worry about it.

[audience laughs]

I better get going.

I'll see you around.

Cedric,

good luck on the third task.

I'll be fine.

Yes, yes, yes! Take that, book.

It was a warm June evening. The third task was well underway and the crowd sat with bated breath.

It had come down to two.

That night one would become a champion and the other, the other would lose.

Come on, it's been hours. How are we supposed to get to the maze?

-Very hot. -Sh!

Would anyone like to hear a riddle? All right, all right, here it goes.

What has eight legs? Ooh. It's a spider.

Everyone quiet.

I want to be able to remember the exact moment Cedric comes out of that maze.

[all talk at once]

Wait, wait! Why is he taking a nap?

-Wake up, Cedric, you are a winner. -Yay!

Cedric!

[dramatic guitar]

He's dead.

[dramatic guitar]

Remember,

if ever you must choose between something that is easy

and something that is right,

remember a kind sweet loyal boy

and what happened to him

because he crossed the path of an evil man.

Remember Cedric.

So, a very eventful fourth year came to an eventful conclusion.

Here, you in the front row, take these.

They are Puffs brand tissues.

You wipe away those tears.

You in the back, still sad forever.

But not to worry.

Everyone will rediscover joy and happiness again soon in year fo-- oh, dear God.

[audience laughs]

The Puffs in the year, we will get through quickly.

Everyone, we're all still alive.

Now Ernie and me are prefects this year and the number one rule is no being too sad.

-Yeah. -So how is everyone's summer?

My aunt and I stared at the door waiting,

waiting for the Dark Lord to arrive

to kill my aunt,

to kill me.

Death awaits!

It stalks me!

I went to a water park.

[audience laughs]

I'm just happy to be here with all of you.

My friends' feelings.

[all] J. Finch approved.

Stop hugging!

Welcome back, everybody.

-Hi. -Hi.

Shut up!

Yes, I have some words of wisdom to all the new Puffs joining us.

Guess what? We suck!

We are the Puffs.

We're just here to die.

There's no chosen Puff hiding among us. And if there was,

he'd probably just die. So, enjoy your short meaningless lives!

Oh, oh, oh, also,

apparently, you don't have to wear uniforms anymore.

You can just wear regular clothes.

[audience laughs]

Enjoy it while you can!

-Bye. -So, he probably just needs more time?

Yeah. I mean, how long can one person be an angsty asshole?

Nobody understands.

Oh, hey.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm in a bad mood.

My friends don't like it when I'm in a bad mood.

So, friends are dumb.

And friends suck.

Friends are dumb

and they suck?

Yeah. You want to be a real dick all year then just be one.

Yeah.

All right.

Thanks, Wayne.

[audience laughs]

Oh, excuse me, um, student,

have you seen Harry? I want to explain some facts about his past

and why I've been avoiding him.

-I haven't seen him. -Oh.

Well, I guess I should wait till the end of the year.

[audience laughs]

I see you, book!

Year five in one word: emotions.

Year five in two words: secret meetings.

Even some of our Puffs were invited you to join in.

Oh, these AA meetings are great.

-Elvis' army, the AA. -We must learn to protect ourselves.

I was just so happy to be included. I am in the group.

Oh, Harry's looking over this way. We should practice our Stunning spell.

-Okay. -So, I'm going to go first.

-Then you go. -Hey, I got it. Okay.

-Three, two, one. -Stupefy!

[audience laughs]

Oh, what happened?

-I think we stunned each other. -You mean we did the spell right?

Yay!

And suddenly it was May.

After some standardized testing it was time to go home.

-Hey! How'd you do? -How'd you do?

-Maybe okay. -Maybe okay.

Yeah, I think we actually made progress this year.

Yeah, we should study together all the time.

Okay, yeah, no.

But you know what? I think we got through an entire year

without some sort of horrible event or tragedy.

-It's like I almost feel safe. -Safe.

¶ Baby ¶

[long play screeching]

Hey!

[audience laughs]

Look,

I'm sorry I've been an angsty asshole this entire year.

Can we please go back to being friends?

I'm coming in!

All right, everything's back to normal.

Oh no, he whose name we can't say is definitely back.

Harry fought him, again.

Nobody is safe!

Yep, back to normal.

Amidst the state of national terror, year five was done.

[woman] Ugh!

The world was changing.

Nobody was safe-- wand makers, bridges, no one, for the Dark Lord had returned.

[all] Dark Lord!

[audience laughs]

Excellent.

The bloodlines of wizard kind will be purified.

The very few that is left on dwellings shall be expanded

and standing on the precipice as a shining example of power and my poor me.

[evil laughs]

Now, my dead bodies,

fetch me my broom.

Oh!

We don't need brooms to fly anymore.

We just can.

My Lord.

Good to know.

For this information, you will be rewarded--

All right!

-With a show of affection-- -Oh, crap.

[Dark Lord] --from me.

Oh, no!

[audience laughs]

[inaudible] Help me!

[kiss]

-Everyone leave! -Okay.

You!

Stay.

You still wish to go on your special excursion?

Yes, My Lord.

You will remain unseen. You will kill anyone who gets in your way.

-I will, My Lord. -And

-if the girl should refuse-- -I know what I must do, My Lord.

Yes.

Welcome back, Mrs. Jones.

[evil laughs]

It looks like Megan's mother is on a mission. And year six pops.

The Mummy Returns.

-Astronomy. -Poor.

-Herbology. -Outstanding.

Obviously herbology is awesome.

-Defense. -Troll.

Yikes.

Wayne, we got to find you a lady friend.

Yeah, well, we'll get right on that.

You could date Susie Bones. I hear she is single.

My aunt was murdered!

Any second now I'll be next.

[audience laughs]

Maybe.

Look, as long as the school doesn't suddenly become super-sexual, I'll be fine.

How wrong he was.

Webster's dictionary defines snogging as the act of kissing and caressing amorously.

I get it, I get it, I get it! Go find a classroom or something.

Ooh, a classroom. I love to learn.

-Hey you! -Whoa!

-I've been thinking about something else anyway. -[Megan] What?

Maybe trying out for the sports team.

What?

I'm just thinking about it.

I've been so set on doing some big wizard world-changing thing

that I haven't done any regular teenage stuff.

So, this year no adventures, no wizard shenanigans.

I am just focused on dates and sports.

[buzzers]

Yo.

What's up leaky assholes?

Yeah!

Zach Smith in the house!

Hey!

I know you.

You're Turds McGee. Ha ha ha!

So you pie-eating sphincter goblins want to play sports

aka meet some hot ladies. Uh, uh, uh.

Guys, I got to tell you I had a crazy summer.

Strap in. All right.

So, my parents were like you got to get a job, asshole.

And I was like, all right.

So, I went to go work at this newspaper and I end up working my way up the ranks and I got

on the wedding column. I got really good at it.

Except I was going under a fake name.

Anyways, cut to I go to this one wedding

and there's this woman that's really intriguing to me

because I see her at all these weddings.

She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

So, I'm there trying to get to know her and she's like, get out of here, loser.

But then on her end, she is secretly in love with her boss.

And then her sister comes to visit

and then her sister and her boss fall in love and get engaged.

So, I get picked to write a story about their engagement.

So, then I get to meet her and I'm like, I want to probe you in your story

while I write the story about your sister and your boss.

Anyways, at one point I go over to her apartment

and we do this montage of hers trying all these dresses, it's just wonderful.

[audience laughs]

And then, eventually, we'll be going on this big little like little road trip

for her sister's wedding, we get stuck because a car and there's rain

and we go into this bar and we get drunk and then we dance on the bar, you know,

to Elton John's Bennie And The Jets and everything.

And then we sit down in our drunken mood.

I had made sure that like I do enjoy weddings

and I'm really sad being when she's like what's your favorite moment.

I was like, my favorite moment is when everybody's actually looking at the bride,

I'm looking at the groom because that's when you get to see

what he's getting himself into and if he's really happy and he's really sweet.

And then I met her that I cried at one of my famous weddings I wrote about

and we hook up. It's awesome.

Cut to my editor, releases the story that I wrote about her

that I didn't want to get released because I realized there's more to her.

She finds out she's like bye, you're basic.

So she throws me away.

On the other end, she goes to her sister's engagement, shows this like little slideshow

of all the things her sister really is and just ends that engagement.

Anyways, fast forward again, I'm sorry I got to cut for time.

So, we go fast-forward and then she's like hanging out with her boss and she like kisses him

and she goes, I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with this guy. Me.

So then she tracks me down on this wedding that's on this boat, jumps on to it, makes it,

goes and makes this big speech and confesses her love and I was like I'm in love with you, too,

we get together, it's fantastic.

Cut to our wedding on a beach. Ed Burns is there, that's cool.

And we had this big wedding and she has all of the brides that she was the bridesmaids up.

At our wedding they are her bridesmaids and they're all in their dresses

that they made her wear, all twenty-seven of them.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Yeah.

On our honeymoon, though, I was like, hey, I should let you know I'm a teenage boy and a wizard

and I have to go back to school. Mind erase.

So, that was my crazy summer. All right, let's start this tryouts.

¶¶¶

-[buzzer] -All right, that's enough!

Give me that! Yike!

These tryouts are over. And guess what, you,

-you made the team. -Really?

Nope, loser.

Ha, ha, I got you. You just got got.

The rest of you, you definitely made the team.

-Really? -Nope, losers. Ha, ha.

You're all happy and now you're sad, sad like I was

when I had to leave her because I was really in love with her.

This is a one-man team!

Zach Smith!

[buzzer]

Wayne.

[audience claps]

Wayne, um, hi.

I thought you played pretty nice out there.

You know, it's-- it's like whatever.

I do know. I go to this school.

Okay, cool. Bye.

-Sally. -Huh?

Would you like to go out on a date sometime?

Sure.

[romantic music]

All right. Date with a girl.

[long play screeches]

Oh no.

A date with a girl.

[thunder]

[Megan] Oliver, where the freak are you?

Meet me at the third-floor corridor if we're out of bounds

for anyone who didn't want to die a super painful death.

Geez, remember that? This school is dangerous for children. Oliver!

The boy won't be joining you, I am afraid.

I'm sorry, who are you? It's me, Megan, your mother.

Imperian! And I think you'll be coming with me, darling. [evil laugh]

-Beat you. -Yeah, you can run just as fast as you said.

What?

Oh, okay.

[wild music]

Oh, wait, aren't there security measures against intermingling?

Oh, only for the other houses.

Oh, um, they didn't think it was necessary for the Puffs.

Probably, the same reason why we don't even get the special teenage magic talk.

Wait, you mean magic sex ed? Who teaches magic sex ed?

[bell rings]

[audience laughs]

Lilith.

So, why don't you come upstairs?

Uh, sure.

Oh my. Now let's check on how Megan and Oliver are faring, shall we?

Spoiler alert: much worse.

-Megan, what's going on? -It's my mom. She's out of whispers

and she's just as badass as I always believed.

I think we're in danger. She took my wand.

-Oh, she took my wand too. Awesome. -[Wayne] Hide!

-Wayne. -Wayne.

I'm not running from a sexual experience.

[audience laughs]

I'm sorry, did I interrupt a weird thing?

Hello children. Oh, look, another one.

Hello, there.

Ow!

Megan, dear, it has been such a long time.

Oh, boy, can I see... I've dreamed like ever and you're actually...

Hi. I'm Megan, your daughter, and a fan.

Why, thank you. Dear, a thought.

Now that I am free, perhaps, it is time for me to take you away.

Just the two of us.

-That's pretty much all I ever wanted. -Oh, good.

But, oh, no, there is a problem.

You know I've been watching you, Megan.

These two are your friends?

Why?

Oh, I am disappointed, Megan.

Disappointed in you.

-What-- what'd I do? -Oh, nothing, Megan.

You did nothing.

I mean I come all this way and what is it I see standing before me?

I see a Puff.

No.

That's all you are, isn't it?

-Stop. -You're just another Puff.

-No! -Yes!

You're nothing like me.

How disappointing.

I am not a Puff!

Oh?

Good.

Prove it.

I want you to hurt them,

torture them,

kill them maybe.

Prove to me that you are my daughter!

Go on, do it.

And then we can leave.

Just us.

Just like you always wanted.

I--

I won't.

You disappoint me again.

Fine!

[screams]

I will do what I must!

Avada Kedavra!

Avada Kedavra!

Abracadabra!

Bra!

[audience laughs]

No? okay.

I'm sorry, have you done this before?

[evil laugh]

Oh, I have done it, maybe.

Look, don't look at me like that.

The Dark Lord himself recruited me.

Here, let me show you that fateful day.

Flashback here to October 1981.

[voice] It's 1981 and you're at the Dark Lord's blood boogey dance jam.

If you love the Dark Lord, say yeah.

Yeah.

Let me join your evil army, please, please.

Fine. [screams]

Wow. Free tattoo. Awesome.

Whoa, that lady looks evil.

And that's how we should all think about her.

-Whoo! -Yeah.

Great.

Now I'm off to kill a baby.

[audience laughs]

Flashback managed.

See? I am awesome.

Now avada releasio!

Oh, um,

so what I've done there is I have let you go.

Oh my wizard God, you're just-- you're just a Puff.

Hi. Never!

You're just a Puff.

No, I-- Avada Ked...

Damn it.

No, look, Puffs are lame failures, a bunch of dumb stupid--

Failures.

And that's the best thing about being a Puff besides being so close to the kitchens.

[Oliver] What?

Follow me here.

The Puffs are actually awesome, and always have been.

We are The Mighty Ducks of wizards.

No!

The Mighty Ducks 2 of wizards.

[audience claps]

Cedric knew it.

And maybe even Helga knew when she was picking the students.

We never got to finish that story.

Maybe we can now.

I see you, book!

-I see you, book! -Wayne.

I see you, book!

Oh, yeah.

[cheering]

The Tragic Yet Rewarding History of the Puffs.

Okay. The time came for the founders to pick students.

Students who are Brave.

Students who are Smart.

Students who speak like they are always about to throw a glass of white wine in your face.

[audience laughs]

Students who are well--

Oh.

[laughs]

I'll take the rest of them

because as long as they are willing to work hard, everyone should have a place here.

Sure, their skill levels will be all over the place.

But that's okay, there's always room to improve.

It's the school, right? So, yes, being Brave or Smart or Snakes is great,

but why be one thing when you can be everything else?

Yes,

yes.

Now where did my cap get off to?

[audience laughs]

So, you see Megan's wand?

I agree with you.

Puffs are failures.

We'll try and fight you and we'll probably fail.

We'll fail big time.

We'll fail so hard--

Wayne, I don't know where this is going.

[mother] No, you can't fight me.

I have all these wands, so--

But, eventually, we get better.

I see you, wand!

Wand! Wand!

One of those is mine.

No, no, no, this can't be happening, you are all just a bunch of stupid Puffs.

-Oh yeah? -Yeah.

Avea force!

[creature crying]

Go back to what's-his-name that we turned up to see, mom.

Get out of here.

You've not seen the last of me, children.

I will be back!

[audience laughs]

-Oh! -We did it!

[Wayne] We defeated an evil person!

Hey, everyone's going to hear about this.

Megan,

you all right?

That was a lot to take in.

I'm coming in.

Oh, weird mirror.

Yes, the very same mirror stood.

Its purpose unchanged, to show the greatest desire of the onlooker's heart.

But it's the funny thing about desires, they change.

And whereas once these three saw images of grandeur or lifelong fantasies,

now our trio just saw this--three friends together.

And one of them had a light saber!

Or, taking that life-threatening experience and truth as a friendship to heart,

our trio spent the remainder of a relatively calm year to really practice their magic.

Three--

-Two-- -One--

Reparo!

All right, we all fixed these glasses I was holding.

I think we've officially done it.

We've mastered all spells up to grade three.

-[sound of something falling] -Hey, unrelated.

Has there always been a giant skull in the sky?

-No, it could mean anything. -[splash]

The headmaster is dead!

Ooh.

To some, the death of the headmaster came as a shock.

For others, it was proof that evil had finally triumphed.

And for everyone, it meant one very impressively thrown together funeral.

[crows cawing]

Summer arrived.

Fearing the interception of their letters,

our trio decided to try another magical means of communication.

Dear Megan and Oliver,

thanks for using AOL Instant Messenger.

I think it will significantly speed up communication.

-NotAWizard1997. -[message alert]

Good idea. Definitely safer.

-Mathematician314159. -[message alert]

What is this? Aahh!

-PurplePrincess2000. -[message alert]

Okay, any updates? I hear things are getting pretty bad out there.

Shit is getting dark.

The rumors of the ministry starting to go after Mug borns.

It's true.

And it means I won't be going back to school.

-What? -I have to go on the run to protect my family.

I wiped their memories-- well, I tried to,

I instead turned their heads into oranges, which I guess will have to do.

Megan, you are the world to me.

Wayne, you are too.

Try not to get into too much trouble.

Year seven, who lives, who dies,

what crazy new characters join us?

Find out in the final year, the Puffs and the time Harry came back

and caused a war at school.

So, this year's been interesting.

Yeah, they've thrown any attempt to giving us an education out the window, I think.

Yesterday in defense class they just tortured a kid for three hours.

[steps coming closer]

Hello, Master Wayne. Hoping geez!

Master Megan, jam geez!

It's me, Pee-Pee, your little house elf friend.

Oh, I am Pee-Pee and I'm your best friend.

We're going to be together to the very end.

We're always going on adventures,

you are about wizards and Pee-Pee's indentured.

[audience claps]

Pee-Pee, we have a job for you.

We need you to run.

Just keep running until we tell you to stop.

Pee-Pee is happy to do it.

Magic exit...

[singing]

Oliver is so lucky.

He doesn't have to deal with any of this.

Have you heard from him?

No.

I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah.

On the bright side, Potter was the cause of most of our problems.

So as long as he stays gone--

Harry is back!

He's here to start a revolution.

He went camping.

[all] To the Great Hall!

-Hello everyone, it's me, Harry. -Hi.

How nice. I don't know if you remember me.

I used to go to school here.

[siren]

Is this the room...

Your efforts are futile.

I do not want to kill you.

Give me Potter!

And you will be rewarded.

You have until midnight.

I...

Bye.

Bye. [interference]

[Dark Lord] That went well, I think.

So, we've got until midnight.

Anyone bring any board games or snacks?

What do you mean I am still talking into the megaphone?

Huh? [screams]

Bring me Harry.

[whispering] Harry.

Harry.

[screams loudly]

Harry.

[audience laughs]

-[megaphone interference] -Ow!

[narrator] Hey!

Okay, I'm having trouble reading the room. We want to give him up, right?

And in that moment a snake girl cried out grab him and the Puffs reacted accordingly.

Okay, see what we're doing.

And upon being told to leave the Great Hall for evacuation, it was a Puff who stood up first.

What if we want to stay and fight before we rush in anything?

Can we get just like one minute?

All right, I am off to find a tiara.

[audience laughs]

Okay, everyone, this is dangerous.

We all might die. Anyone who stays needs to understand that.

But why would they need us? Everyone says we are the worst in the school.

I don't think they'd want the stupid people to fight.

Yeah. J Finch is only good at herbology which, duh,

-is the best. -Yeah.

I'll almost definitely die if I fight.

[audience laughs]

It'd be easier to just leave.

No! I don't want to leave.

Why is everyone always so down on us?

I won't stand for it anymore!

And I won't sit for it either!

And I also won't stand on one leg because I can't watch.

Anyways, look in your hand.

You have a wand!

Unless you looked in your other hand.

Look at yourselves.

Hannah, you used to be so awkward and you still are but we don't mind anymore.

Who is that?

It's Ernie Mack and he is basically the best.

And, Sally, remember when you did that thing?

-I do. -It was amazing.

And Susie, we all thought you'd be dead by now.

And look at you standing there alive.

Wayne, you give the best hugs.

And, Megan, you give better hugs than you think you do.

And J. Finch, he is imaginary and he can do magic.

We all can. We're wizards!

Sure, it'd be easy to leave, but wouldn't it be wrong?

We should do what's right! Like Cedric.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying

because if we don't fight now, we may never find out how that Hat talks!

[audience laughs and claps]

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'm a Puff, I'm staying.

We might die!

Are we all willing to die for Harry?

We won't die for Harry.

We'll die for each other.

I'm a Puff and I'm staying.

I'll stay.

And I'm a Puff.

-What was that? -Excuse me?

And I'm a Puff.

Look, my socks don't match,

I struggle with reading.

Yeah.

I was a stupid member of the Frog Choir.

What?

I'm a Puff!

Hi.

Hi!

All right, we're going to fight alongside the Braves and the Smarts and

well not the Snakes because they've officially been acknowledged as evil.

[audience laughs]

Then we sure as hell better make sure we take out more bad guys than them.

So then,

third or nothing.

No.

First or nothing.

First or nothing!

No, no, we're not doing it.

No, no, no, I can fight back!

Giggly-legs!

Get it, I was bullying you.

Puff on this!

Yippy chang, motherpuffer!

[casting spells]

Yay, Harry!

Surprise, buttholes!

Take that.

And this, and this, and that.

Zach Smith came back to school.

Zach Smith forever!

Oh, if only I could hit it from this distance.

It's impossible. You know the exact angle to aim your wand.

There's no way to figure that out.

Sounds like you could use a protractor.

I heard about the battle.

There are so many secret passages into this school it is dangerous for children.

-But you got all the things over there? -Yeah.

Okay, time to see a real math magician at work.

[voice screaming]

Go on, come along, we'll just quickly be drained!

Right, left. Right, left!

-Yeah, good to go. -Hey, sluts!

Yes! Very nice.

-Hello, children. -You two go, I'll handle this.

Hello, mom.

Megan, I'm not here for pleasantries, I'm just here to finish unfinished business.

Avada Skedew!

-Damn it. -[audience laughs]

Okay, seriously, it's two words.

Avada Kedavra.

Avada Kedavra. It's simple.

Oh, is it? Is it simple?

Well, Avada Kedavra.

Oh my wizard God, it's that easy? Why is it so easy?

You just say two words and you-- you know I'm okay, I'm good, I'm all right, I'm okay.

Someone has to tell his evil wife and kids.

Now it feels worse.

Mom, that's what your friends do to everyone.

Well, I don't like the way it feels, I just--

Oh God,

I'm a Puff.

Oh, I get it I'm a Puff.

Oh, who would have thought the people in the hoods and the masks would be so in the wrong?

[audience laughs]

Fine, go ahead, kill me.

The fate a murderer deserves.

Yes. Considering the one person you killed was evil,

I don't think you'll get in too much trouble.

Just so you are like a secret spy or something.

Argh!

Aw!

Avada Kedavra!

Mom!

You take this.

[audience laughs]

If we make it out of here, I owe you so many birthday presents.

If you're imaginary, how come the bad people can see you?

They must have special glasses or something.

Then how come I can see it?

You must be special.

Stupefy!

Looks like he had a side of Mac and Finch.

[audience laughs]

[scream]

Mommy and daddy were right about you, Leslie.

[audience laughs]

Puffs' emergency formation number ten!

[ Free Willy theme playing]

You okay?

I think so. I--

Oh ,fine.

There, Sally is suited up and she's finally ready to kick--

Avada Kedavra!

Extermios!

Existentio crisis!

Not today.

Susie quick, too many of them.

We'll regroup in the common room.

Avada Kedavra!

Dear friends, go in the basement and stay alive.

[ting]

Hello.

Where did everybody go?

Did we win?

Oh, no.

[evil laugh]

[casting spell]

[man casts spell]

[casting another spell]

I did it!

[man] Avada Kedavra!

All right. I think it's all just over.

We just got a whole other year, right?

[screaming]

You will not hurt Master...

Blastious!

Pee-Pee has done a good job.

Yes.

I am forever grateful for all the time we spent together.

Just remember Pee-Pee

as someone who has been here this whole time.

I was Pee-Pee.

I wa--

Who the fuck was that?

[audience laughs]

Guys, this-- this is crazy.

We are fighting in a war.

This is a lot for eighteen-year-olds to handle.

Do you think this is how Potter feels all the time?

It sucks.

Excuse me.

Avada Kedavra!

-[Megan screams] -Wayne!

[Wayne wakes up] Where am I? Where am I?

[audience laughs]

Not Harry.

I am--

I want to say Wayne.

Headmaster but you're--

-Am I--? -I'm-- I'm afraid that must be the case.

Oh.

Where are we?

To be honest, I'm not sure. It's

more of a thing for Harry.

[audience laughs]

Of course it is.

Headmaster, this-- this is so unfair!

I just-- I just watched all of my friends die, and now me?

What was even the point?

I won't be remembered for anything.

No one will know my name. I'm just some unnamed dead kid at a school battle.

Potter's battle.

He gets to be the hero.

He gets everything I ever wanted.

Why did I have to be so unimportant?

Wayne, it's easy to feel as if you're only a secondary character

in someone else's grand story.

But that does not mean however that there's not another story out there that's all about you.

Where you're the most important person in the entire world.

The hero.

Now we're all important Wayne,

and we're all unimportant.

We're all heroes in some way to someone.

Now as for your story,

I think it was pretty cool.

So, there's-- there's not some-- some-- some big surprise

and I'm going to open my eyes right where I died and--

I'm afraid not.

I was finally good at magic.

There's only one kind of magic any of us need, Wayne.

It's the magic that would let you live on.

It's the greatest magic there is:

love.

And on that note, um,

I really hate to do this

-but I am expecting someone. -Oh.

So, you know--

-Oh, yeah, yeah. -If you could--

Possibly.

Headmaster, just one more thing.

Did I really spend seven years at wizard school

to find out you believe love is the greatest magic there is?

[audience laughs]

Yes.

[audience laughs]

See for yourself.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow!

A train station!

Oh, I'm dead.

[cheers] Yay!

And that is how Wayne Hopkins, student died.

You probably know the rest of the story.

The boy who lived, lived again, he vanquished evil--

Expelliarmus!

No!

But now at least you know a slightly different story, the story of the Puffs.

You know I think eventually we all find that little part of us, the Puff.

You know maybe it's there in the moments where you lose your keys,

or momentarily forget how old you are,

or maybe it's that part of you that works hard,

the part that remains loyal and true despite whatever terrifying monsters are thrown your way,

the part that plays fair even when life is anything but.

Maybe that's a Puff there.

Now, one last question.

Where do I fit into all this?

Well, you'll get that answer in our obligatory segment nineteen years later.

Now remember what's our number one rule.

No time-traveling.

That's my boy.

Young Scorpius!

Holy shit, Megan, you are never going to believe what Potter named his new kid.

Wait, where's Wayne?

Oh, I thought you had him.

Not this again.

Do you have my mom's?

Wayne!

-Wayne! -[narrator] Mom, dad!

Mom, dad!

I'm scared to go to school.

I'll be honest with you, Wayne, you should be.

[audience laughs]

When I was there, if it wasn't an evil teacher,

it was a giant snake or soul-sucking security guards.

One year there was a sports tournament, someone died.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Just remember through it all, no matter if you're a Brave, a Smart,

students who always speak like they're about to throw a glass of white wine in your face

or a Puff.

Don't worry about it too much.

It's just what some Hat thinks.

And hey, Wayne, what's three times four?

Well, I don't know.

Yeah, well, don't worry about that either.

[audience laughs]

There's no math class.

Yeah, I'm not so bitter about that.

Just worry about the wizarding.

But what if I'm bad at being a wizard?

Oh, son, you are named after someone who started out as one of the worst wizards ever.

Now, you've got a train to catch.

Oh, I like trains.

Eew, mom, gross.

Okay, you ready for this? New kid named Albus Severus.

Oh, I can beat it. Scorpius.

No.

Man, these people have no idea how to name children.

[train whistling]

Have you seen Potter? That new ministry job he's got

has him so overworked that I feel bad for the guy.

What?

I feel bad for his family, his youngest kid.

It's like he's cursed.

He is a cursed child.

[audience laughs]

Parts one and two.

[audience laughs]

Now playing internationally.

What are you talking about?

I don't know. I'm tired.

Hey, what house do you think he'll get sorted into?

I have a pretty good idea.

¶¶¶

[audience clapping and cheering]

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Never put it down ¶

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Now work hard ¶

¶ Don't let them put you down ¶

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ It's going down ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Never put it down ¶

¶ Lift up your cups ¶

¶ Get going Puffs ¶

¶ Now work hard ¶

¶ Don't let them put you down ¶

¶ Take a potion drink Take a butter drink ¶

¶ Take a fire drink Take a pumpkin drink ¶

¶ Take a butter drink It's field trip ¶

¶ Take a butter drink Take a butter drink ¶

¶ Loyalty ¶

¶ Hard work ¶

¶ Other things-- ¶

Yo! Ha ha.

What's up, buttholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Hey! I know you.

You're Turds McGee, ha ha ha.

Burn! Whoo!

So, you dorks want to play sports, aka meet some hot ladies?

Uh-uh, u-uh. Ow!

Speaking of meeting hot ladies, I'm in love.

Yeah.

The most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Only problem is she's a mermaid.

[audience laughs]

I was wandering around drunk one time on that bridge.

I looked in the lake and I saw her, Aquafina.

[audience laughs]

I'd go there and I'd visit her and I'd throw her treats.

[audience laughs]

But she's been telling me that her home has been messed up

because people have been littering in the lake.

And I know who it is.

It's this jerk.

Yeah, yo, he's throwing your Mountain Dew bottles in there.

Code Red or whatever.

Who even drinks that stuff? Hey, man, that's her home!

We have recycling bins!

We don't care if we are a magic school, we still recycle.

[audience laughs]

What if I went over there and pissed all over your house?

Yeah, exactly.

Respect!

All right, let's start these tryouts!

All right, that's enough! Give me that.

Yike!

I'm going to take a dump in your living room.

[audience laughs]

All right!

These tryouts are over and guess what, you,

-you made the team. -Really?

Nope, loser! Ha ha, I got you.

You just got got!

The rest of you, you definitely made the team.

Nope, losers! Ha ha, look at you.

You're al happy and now you're sad,

sad just like Aquafina is because her home is destroyed because of this jerk!

It's the one-man team.

Zach Smith!

[audience claps and cheers]

Yeow! Ha, ha!

What's up, buttholes?

Yeah, Zach Smith in the house!

Parkour!

[audience laughs]

I know you!

You're Turds McGee.

Burn!

So, you dorks want to play sports, aka meet some hot ladies?

Uh-uh, uh-uh, yeow!

Parkour!

[audience laughs]

[audience claps]

That's right.

Not only do I run these tryouts in sports,

I'm a trained parkour artist and I know how to do dance fighting capoeira.

[audience laughs]

Parkour!

All right, let's start these tryouts!

All right, that's enough!

Give me that! Yike!

These tryouts are over. And guess what,

you

-made the team. -Really?

Nope, loser, I got you!

You just got got! Ha ha!

The rest of you,

you definitely made the team.

-Really? -Nope, losers, ha ha!

Now you're all happy, now you're sad.

Looks like I'm-- because I am out of breath.

All right, this is a one-man team, Zach Smith!

Parkour!

Pay attention.

Sometimes when a, um,

wizard

loves a witch very, very much

ask your parents.

The birds,

the bees,

Lilith.

¶¶¶

Hey, do you want to see my invisibility cloak?

I use it to sneak around the school and break all sorts of rules.

Sometimes I steal books.

And hey, Wayne, it fits two.

Wink-wink.

Wink-wink-wink.

Bye, Wayne.

[singing] My name is Harry and I am invisible.

[kissing]

Hey, do you remember in year two

when that teacher got rid of all of my bones?

My arm looked like this.

Now I have new bones!

New bones!

Bye, Wayne.

Hey, Cedric. Love your bones.

¶¶¶