Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

Horrible Histories presents...

In a country torn apart by war...

..one man would rule them all -

Wait, wait, wait. Ivan, the what-what?

No, you mean Ivan the Great!

He did create the whole of the Russian Empire...

..by killing 50,000 people.

Wow, was it really that many?

You lose count after the first few thousand.

OK, what about Ivan the Loveable?

Because I was really sad when my son died.

He really did need love when his son died...

..because he murdered him!

Yeah, true, that is pretty terrible, even for me.

Nobody's perfect.

What about Ivan the Amazing?

He built the beautiful church of St Basil,

and then blinded the architects so they couldn't build anything better.

OK, fine, you know what?

Ivan the Terrible it is, because I've just looked it up,

and terrible does not mean horrible.

In the Russian dictionary it means awesome, yeah!

Ivan the Terrible it is, then.

And don't you forget it!

Is he gone?

Ivan the Terrible ruled Russia nearly 500 years ago,

and was a truly Ruthless Ruler.

You know, I've always thought I'd make a great king.

But it's not easy to become a ruler.

My best chance would probably be to marry a queen.

But they won't just marry any old Tom, Dick or Ratus.

HE CHUCKLES

No, in fact, royal dating can be really complicated.

Everyone needs love in their lives, even royalty.

Bienvenue, welcome to Historical First Dates.

Elizabeth I of England is new to the throne,

and looking in need of a husband to strengthen her position as queen.

But she's late for her first date,

and her potential husband is already waiting.

Sorry I'm late, I got... Oh.

Hello, Elizabeth. Can't believe they would set me up with

my dead sister's husband. I know, it's a little bit awks,

but we would bring peace and prosperity to both our nations.

You will obviously convert to Catholicism when we marry,

and so will your country. And I will rule both as a king.

Olive? No.

Will I see him again?

Well, he called my mother a witch, and that was one of the high points.

I think we can deal with an armada or two.

He's awful, I don't know how Mary put up with him.

Are there more olives coming?

No more olives. Oh.

It's not just finding love that's complicated for a ruler.

Even the simplest things like going for a walk

or taking a royal wee can be tricky.

Take Elizabeth I's dad, Henry VIII.

He thought everyone was out to get him,

and that made a simple thing like going to bed

very complicated indeed.

Night, night!

CRASHING Ooh! Ow!

MAN YAWNS

Right!

An early night, I think.

Sleepy Henry VIII after another hard day's ruling over everything.

Yes, good idea, sire.

An early night. I shall just get the list, your highness.

Step one - check for assassins.

Oh! Clear!

Step two - lay down a bed of down.

And three - check that no-one is hidden inside.

Step four - lay pillows, sheets and blankets, and a luxury ermine cover.

Step five - all make the sign of the cross.

Step six - all kiss the royal bed.

Yes, all right, that's fine.

Step seven - sprinkle with holy water.

Goodness' sake!

I just want to go to sleep.

Whose idea was all this nonsense?

Yours, sire.

Just give it here.

Whip through these.

Step eight - bring near the royal night stool.

Step nine - lay out the royal dressing gown.

And finally, step ten -

build a solid brick wall to prevent intruders getting anywhere near me

as I sleep.

Come on!

Ah! Bliss.

Shhh!

COCKEREL CROWS Morning sire, breakfast!

Go away!

Got my crown, I've got my sash,

but what I really need to be a Ruthless Ruler

is a load of servants.

I could do with the cleaners for a start.

My home looks like a sewer.

Mind you, it is a sewer.

But cleaning and making the beds aren't the worst jobs for a servant.

They're not even close.

A servant has never been closer to the seat of power.

Morning, Charles.

HE BREAKS WIND Morning, Bridget.

Behind every great ruler is someone who has to empty

their toilet.

Starring the pees and poos of five monarchs of Great Britain.

Today, I am to be executed, by Oliver...

HE BREAKS WIND ..Cromwell.

It's OK to be nervous, Your Majesty.

Very nervous.

From father to son, one woman was there to see it all.

King Charles number two has done a King Charles number two.

Oh, sorry, post party poo. HE LAUGHS

Also starring William III...

Is this why they call it the royal WEE?

HE GROANS ..and Mary II...

Bridget, you're the longest-serving royal servant in history.

Oh, that was a challenge.

Haven't you thought about retiring?

I'd miss all the, erm,

glamour.

Bridget Holmes' Diary.

It's more of a log book, really.

Having looked abroad for a suitable match,

Elizabeth I is now looking closer to home.

Your date, Elizabeth.

Lord Dudley!

Thank you very much.

Enjoy your date. Will do, yeah. Thank you.

Brilliant. I haven't seen you since we were kids.

Not still burping at the table, are you? I hope not.

Those were the days, weren't they?

Fancy a quick game of duck-duck-goose sometime?

Geese are such funny birds.

They just run around.

Yes. I'd definitely like to see him again.

He's perfect. Oh, thank you.

I mean, that's fantastic.

I just need to...

check with my wife.

Wife? Mm-hm. Wife?

What?!

Marriage between two rulers can be complicated enough,

but marriage between two countries can be even harder,

as James VI of Scotland found out

when he became James I of England too.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: As James VI...

..King of Scotland, and also...

IN ENGLISH ACCENT: ..James I, King of England...

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..we're going to need a new united flag.

Guys, chillax, the design cavalry have ridden into town.

Clip, clop. Welcome to Raising The Standards.

And that was actually my idea.

High five. So, OK,

we are the number one international historical flag designers.

We are also the only international historical flag designers.

Low ten. Great, cool.

So, let's just throw some ideas around, see what sticks.

There are no bad ideas.

Bulldog eating a haggis.

Ultimate bull's-eye, get your cloaks, we are done.

Bad idea.

Cloaks off, we're just getting started.

On your marks, get set, boom.

I've started. Roast beef bagpipes.

Nom, nom, nom, yes, please.

Definitely not. OK, four words -

tar, tan, stone, henge.

Boom. Can I get an "och, aye" for yes, please? Yes...

No, you cannot! I just want a traditional flag.

Is that too much to ask?

OK, boring.

Scottish flag next to English flag, me no likey,

but you da ruler, innit!

So, here you go.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Well, as King of Scotland, I like it.

He scores a goal!

IN ENGLISH ACCENT: But as King of England, I hate it.

The Scots don't come first. Disallowed, offside.

OK, how about this?

Oh, no, no, no.

They're on top of us, for goodness' sake!

We need something where we're equals!

OK, look, the last thing we've got is this.

At last, we'll take it.

Just one more totally, crazy idea,

but we thought you might want to include the cross of St Patrick

for Ireland at some point in the future.

In which case, maybe, something like...

Oh-ho-ho!

Well, if it happens, we'll take it.

I can't stand to be in the same room as these idiots again.

Not you guys, no, you're cool.

Those.

How's that fair?

He's got two kingdoms and I haven't got any.

But there is another way to become a ruler,

and that's to crush all your rivals.

That's right, some rulers weren't even kings,

they were just stronger and scarier than everyone else.

We're calling them The Warlords.

HE ROARS

♪ Vlad the Impaler!

♪ Attila the Hun!

♪ Genghis Khan Or Khan-age to my chums!

♪ Diplomacy - was not a fan

♪ But when it comes to killing - Shaka can!

♪ Spike my enemies As Impaler

♪ I like to have 'em on a stake with my dinner

♪ I eat flesh of wolves

♪ Attila Hun

♪ Smashed all countries before breakfast begun

♪ We were the warlords from hell!

♪ Specialise in death and upheaval

♪ The warlords from hell!

♪ Find in the dictionary under "evil"

♪ Try the torturers

♪ Lock up your daughter-ers

♪ Warlords from hell!

♪ 7,000 I had to snuff

♪ Cos when my mummy died they didn't cry enough

♪ On rampages through villages

♪ 60,000 killed by pillages and stuff

♪ My Huns terrorised the Roman Empire

♪ I killed a million Left them all to expire

♪ Mongol kingdom stretched Europe to China

♪ I must have killed 40 million

♪ Could have gone higher!

♪ We were the warlords from hell!

♪ Killed my bro

♪ Mine tried to kill me - they wish

♪ The warlords from hell!

♪ Killed my bruv He wouldn't give back my fish

♪ People thought I inspired the story of Dracula

♪ Not killed with stake through heart but death still spectacular

♪ Died while out hunting I fell off my horse

♪ Killed by those pesky half siblings of course

♪ Tough guy, Attila You die in a fight?

♪ I died...

ALL: Yes?

Nose bleed on my wedding night.

You OK, Hun?

It was a really bad one, actually.

♪ We were the warlords from hell!

♪ All that's left of your town is burnt embers

♪ World gone to pot

♪ We're as bad as it got

♪ Warlords...

♪ ..from hell! ♪

If you thought those rulers were bad,

just wait till you see us Vikings.

When Viking leader Cnut, came to England,

he caused carnage trying to become king.

And he got plenty of help from one particular new signing.

Welcome to Match Of The Danes!

And you join us at a press conference with Viking manager,

Cnut the Great, about to reveal his surprise new signing,

Thorkell the Tall! Oh, well, you know,

Thorkell is a great lad, you know, he's always giving 110%.

And delighted to have him back on the team.

We brought home some great trophies together in the past.

The Archbishop of Canterbury's head.

Especially good.

Well, now, that T's back in the Vikings,

it should help turn the tide,

and hopefully get us back into Europe.

Thorkell's a controversial signing because until recently,

he was fighting on the other side - for the Saxons!

Well, for a big man, he's got great moves,

but can he really do it on a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke?

That's the question. Couldn't agree more.

Thorkell, what about Eadric Streona?

That's all we have time for, thank you.

Who's Eadric Streona? Like you, he fought for the Saxons,

transferred to Cnut, then got axed.

When you say axed...

No more questions, thank you.

Eadric Streona, did you...?

I said no more questions, please!

Not you, superstar, I was talking to them.

Still single, Queen Elizabeth I is attracting a lot of attention,

but choosing someone to marry isn't easy.

She's hoping this first date will set her heart aflutter.

Prince Eric, how are you?

I have date.

Fantastic, follow me.

Your Majesty, may I present you to your date, Prince Eric of Sweden.

Enjoy your date.

Thank you.

Hello, would you like to be my husband wife happy face?

No, just...no. Fred?

Your Majesty?

Take him away. At once. Thank you.

Come here.

Are you going to eat them? Come here! It's enough!

Ah, remember, your Highness, in order to win over the English

public after all that Viking destruction you've caused,

you have to show them that you are really, really, really,

really sorry. Yes, I know, but are you sure

all this business with the beards is really necessary?

I mean, it's hardly subtle. I'm afraid it's vital you appear

as sorry as possible. You've burned too many bridges.

Like, literally burned them. And now you must mend those bridges.

Fine. I will win over the English people.

But I still think the old two-pronged beard was a lot cooler.

I mean, it was so pointy and...

..scary! THE VIKINGS ALL YELL

Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, all of you!

For the last time, you're not scary Vikings any more.

What sort of Vikings are you?

ALL: Sorry Vikings!

Good. And don't think I didn't see that axe.

Sorry.

All right?

What's up?

I am Cnut The Great, your new king, whatever.

These are my boys.

What's up? Hey.

Basically, we just wanted to apologise,

for all the, you know, destroying the churches

and killing of the bishops and just the pillaging in general.

As you can see, we've made a bit of an effort with the beards.

I hope you like them. Sorry.

Sorry for running at the English forces,

the wind blowing in my lovely blond hair.

Smashing the English army and screaming like a Viking!

Pillage the village! Pillage the village! Pillage the village!

But, yeah, mostly just a very sorry Viking.

Well, you don't seem very sorry. One of you just killed my only chicken.

That was him. I love chickens. I love chickens, too.

Sorry for the chicken as well. That's fine, just...

Sorry for my genius military strategy of building a canal

to creep round the back of the London army

and then running and screaming like a Viking!

Pillage the village!

Stop it. Stop it!

You've just stabbed Derek. Yes.

Yes, I did. Derek, I'm sorry.

It's fine. Do you want me to help...? No?

It's fine. He can keep that.

We'll get you a new Derek. Get me a bigger Derek.

A bigger Derek in the next village.

Which we will pillage!

ALL: Pillage the village! Stop it! Sorry!

Sorry.

Ha! You know what I'd say if one of those Vikings or Huns or Mongols

tried to tried to take my crown? I'd say,

take it, it's all yours.

I don't think I'm cut out to be a ruthless ruler.

Maybe I could be a gentle general or a kind king.

I mean, there must have been some rulers who were nice.

Mustn't there?

Ahem!

People of the vast and mighty Persian Empire that stretches

from Greece to India. A million Egyptians...

HE MUTTERS Bactrian... Bactrians?

Aren't they camels? Erm...

Argh! From this day forth,

I, Xerxes the Great, do hereby enshrine

in law the right to happiness.

They don't seem very excited, do they, General? No, Your Majesty.

Or very happy.

You guys, never before has anyone made being happy a law.

You know, I'm being very liberal and also...

Er, excuse me, is this man wearing an otter skin?

Er, it's difficult to tell.

I want to say cat. The hunting of otters is illegal.

Execute him! No, no, no, better idea.

Bury him alive and as he's waiting to die, flick his ears really hard!

THE MAN SCREAMS

I'm a good guy. I care about the happiness

of my people. Like this man, here.

Come on. Now, I was on board this man's ship

when I got caught in a terrible storm.

Oooh! AUDIENCE GOES "OOOH"

Yes, yes. And he saved my life by guiding the vessel to safety.

Yes, on your orders, I threw my crew overboard to lighten the ship,

so you'd survive. You, sir, will be handsomely rewarded.

Oh, great, thank you!

On the other hand, it was your ship that I was on

when I nearly drowned, wasn't it?

And you did murder all of your crew. It was your idea.

Duh-duh-duh, yes, execute him!

No, please!

Cut him in two, put him on either side of the road and get my army

to walk through him. SWORD SLASHES AND MAN SCREAMS

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, the right to happiness.

Ta-dah! No?

Still nothing? I don't want to put any pressure

on you, but if you don't look happy about the right to happiness,

then that might make me unhappy.

So, who's happy?

THEY CHEER LOUDLY

All right, all right, don't make it look fake.

THEY CHEER LESS LOUDLY Right, where's lunch?

Hello, I'm Queen Hatshepsut,

the first female Pharaoh of ancient Egypt.

I brought about an age of prosperity and spread our

power across the world. Course you did, love,

course you did. Now, why don't you go off and have

yourself a nice bubble bath or put on some make-up,

something like that, leave running the kingdom to us lads?

Yeah? Yeah. Off you pop.

As you can see, being the first female ruler wasn't

without its difficulties. My top tip for you if you'd

like to be taken seriously is to wear a false beard.

I really had to do this. Oh, now you really look like a proper Pharaoh.

Yeah, OK. What would you like me to do, O mighty Pharaoh?

Anything? Your wishes will be fulfilled.

I command you to go forth and build statues in my honour.

Maybe something like...

Yeah, I'm not really feeling it, to be honest.

Yes, right away, O mighty Pharaoh!

18 years later and with her youthful looks now fading, Queen Elizabeth

is on a first date with teenage heir to the French throne,

Francis of Anjou.

Is he the man she's been looking for?

Mother says I'm not allowed to have wine.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh. OK.

Orange squash it is, then.

Or the very young man she's been looking for?

So will you be seeing Francis of Anjou for a second date?

Well, I'm not getting any younger and he's quite attractive

in a youthful way so I sort of agreed to marry him, and when I die,

France will rule England and... Oh, no.

Hang on.

Francis? You're dumped!

Don't worry about it. There's plenty more queens to choose from.

Just take it on the chin like a man. Je ne sais pas!

Look, listen, just finish your orange squash, and your fish

fingers are just on the way. You'll be all right.

Come on, come on. Merci.

I'm Queen Victoria and during my reign, I had many prime ministers.

There was Lord Melbourne,

the Earl of Derby, Viscount Palmerston, Prince...

..Charming, uh, Earl...'s Court.

Fine, look, I don't remember them all.

But one I do remember was a joyless old man called William Gladstone.

I didn't like him at all.

So what did I do?

Did I...

The answer is A. I made him stand up all

through our meetings. People aren't allowed to sit down

until the King or Queen has sat.

Isn't that right, Gladstone?

Whatever you say, Your Majesty.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hmmm...

Absolutely not! No.

Honestly, they are either attacking you or they are being mean.

Well that's not the sort of ruler I'm going to be.

No more crown or sash, I want people to treat me

just like everyone else.

Unlike Louis XIV of France.

He called himself The Sun King and you really had to watch

your manners around him. But manners back then were very

different from how they are now. Mais oui!

George, I cannot believe

we are actually in the Palace of Versailles.

It smells a bit funny,

but look at all the gold. I love a bit of gold.

Darling, you are the English ambassador's wife.

We're visiting King Louis XIV of France, so please stop gawping.

Look at their wigs! I told you mine was too small.

I've got more pressing concerns, Charlotte. Oh, no, I need...

..le pee-pee.

Excusez-moi?

My husband needs to go toilet!

Toilet? There are no toilets in Versailles.

You can go wherever...

..you like.

On ze staircase, in ze fireplace.

I usually like to go behind that curtain, but it was occupied.

Oh, well, that explains why it stinks.

Mm. And why the French have such fabulous perfumes.

I'm going to have to just go in the... Regarde!

King Louis has arrived.

Bienvenue, you must be the new English ambassador.

Yes, yes, Your Majesty, it is a pleasure to meet you.

Versailles is absolutely magnificent.

Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!

Oui, oui. Yes, it's so full of oui, oui, oui.

Charlotte! It has 700 rooms.

But no toilets. Bof! Toilets are...

Comment est-ce qu'on dit en anglais? A waste of money.

HE FARTS Oh! Commode!

I trust your journey was pleasant. Oh, my goodness.

The road from Calais can be painful.

Boulders are... HE FARTS AND PLOPS

..everywhere. Well...

..when in Versailles... SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

THEY ALL GASP

What?

Everyone else is doing a wee-wee.

You dare to turn your back on a King, sir?

Your Majesty!

You are an animal, sir, an animal!

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Can we go? I don't think I can.

Not with all these people watching.

Queen Elizabeth is back, still looking for love.

And so is Lord Dudley.

You again! How's your wife?

Erm...

Well, she's dead, actually. Fell down some stairs,

broke her neck. Absolute nightmare.

But it does mean we can get married.

Well, won't people think you killed her? There's no proof.

Because I didn't do it. Why would there be proof?

She, er, slipped. On some loose carpet. I reckon. Probably.

Well, I can't be involved in a scandal, so we can't get married.

But, if you marry anyone else, I'll make your life hell,

and a misery, and awful.

That is why I love you.

And fear you.

That's right. I'm married to England. Suits me just fine.

No snoring in bed. And I think it means that

everyone in the country has to buy me a present so, win-win.

See you in Hampton Court.

You'll be all right. Thanks, Fred.

IN FRENCH:

That's kind. I've already eaten.

Your Majesty? Bonjour.

I know I'm just a common frog, but if you kiss me I could turn

into a prince and we could live happily ever after.

Go on, then.

SHE GASPS

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪