Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians, slimy Stuarts

♪ Vile Victorians, woeful wars

♪ Ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Since the dawn of time we humans have been inventing things.

Many of which are still in use today.

I'll have a bit of turnip on that.

Friends, I have an invention that is going to change the world.

I call it...the wheel.

The wheel.

The wheel?

Yep. Because "wheel" all benefit from it, so wheel.

That's a working title.

Probably change it. Anyway,

the point is it helps you move heavy things with hardly any effort.

Don't work. No, see, you're doing it wrong.

So, you stand it up like this.

Hold. And then, you put a stick in there.

And then it moves.

See? Clever, isn't it?

Where do you put the turnips?

Yeah. Well, I'm coming to that.

I'll be honest with you, I prefer my sack.

Friends, I too have an invention - it's better than yours.

This should be good. Yeah, it is, actually.

I present...

..the other wheel. Ooo. What do you mean, "ooo"?

He's copied me? No I haven't because yours is rubbish.

Can't carry anything on that. But with mine...

..there you go.

Ooo. Nice. Two more on the other end, a bit of a platform.

And we all benefit.

You could get the whole family on that, but

at the same time, it's handy if you are just nipping out for a turnip.

Hello? Original inventor here! Does it come in granite?

Fine, I'm going to the next village.

Perhaps there they will appreciate my genius.

Yeah, you know what would help you there? Yes, I know!

Yeah, so humans have invented stuff

but what about the great rat inventions?

Like, um, um...

Does the plague count?

No? Right, that's it,

I'm going to prove rats can be great inventors, too.

It's tricky, though. So much has already been invented.

And lots of it by the Romans, the Greeks and the ancient Chinese.

But I wonder which one was best.

Yo, yo, it's going down right now.

So, like, all these ancient Greeks, right,

man, them turn up, talk about how we invented all this stuff.

Way more than you Romans, right, and then the ancient Chinese guys,

they turn up and they like, oh, we invented 'nuff stuff,

way more than you Greeks.

Now that is fighting talk, man.

You get me? Things about to get real. Real fast.

It's going to be nasty.

All right, all right, I've got one.

Yo, I'm a master inventor, the greatest in China

Wasting my time with these Athenian whiners...

No. Not me.

We invented everything from goldfish to bum wipers

We were inventing while Greeks were still in diapers.

Yeah. That's all right, that's all right, listen up.

Democracy, geometry, and even physics

The marathon, the play and even the Olympics

The alarm clock, the anchor and central heating

The only way you're going to win this is if you invented cheating.

Oh.

You want a list, we've got oodles

We invented noodles

While you were doing doodles on the paper we invented for you.

Oh, yeah. OK, sit down, and pull up a chair

Like my steam engine you're full of hot air

We invented mathematics, we even invented pi

Oh, and by the way, your mama says, hi.

What? Yeah.

I just saw her down at the shops, with your dad.

Check it out. The Greeks may fill pages with their books

But we invented fishing reels for reeling in your hook

Acupuncture, silk, cross bows and the bell

Our inventions are awesome, while yours just smell.

No, I ain't beat.

Yo, yo, yo, yo yo, yo.

Did we invent the yo-yo?

OK, what about dominos?

That was us. Yeah all right, what about the compass then, yeah?

Yeah, us. Give it up man, the word is on the street

It was China versus Greece and you got beat.

OK, let me do one, let me do one.

Yeah, it's true, you guys invented a lot of cool stuff

And yeah, beating that is gonna be tough

But I have something that will have you all shushin'

I'm a mighty Roman home of the whoopee cushion.

Literally what? What was that?

Ridiculous, man. The whoopee cushion.

PFFFT! Ha-ha, genius.

Of course, we Romans invented more than just a whoopee cushion.

We wrote the book on inventions.

Well, kind of.

Time for your bedtime story, Atticus.

Now where were we up to?

Mummy, can't we just read from this instead?

Is called a codex, it's new.

At school they're calling them books.

You cannot have a codex, Atticus.

I always read you a scroll at bedtime.

Mummy, stopping being so Etruscan.

Scrolls are so not cool.

A book is really portable and also you can find your place

without having to unravel the whole thing.

I don't like those modern devices.

It will give you eyestrain and your arms will get tired,

from all that page-turning.

Everyone at school has got one.

Just because your friends have codexes...

It's codices actually, Mummy.

Nobody likes a smarty-pants.

Now then, uh, here we are.

"That morning the mighty warrior..."

I've already read that bit, Mummy.

Let's see, let's see.

Find it. Ah, here we go.

"And then the great warrior was stabbed to death."

Sorry, too far, spoiler alert.

Forget you heard that bit.

Um, not there, not there.

Back here. Maybe.

Read that, not there.

That's the bit where he pops.

Ah ha!

Here we go, Atticus.

Atticus?

Atticus?

Fine, you win.

We'll read your codex.

It's fun to get lost in the story, isn't it, Mummy?

So that codex led to books.

All of which had to be written out by hand

until one of the most important inventions of all time

nearly 600 years ago.

And this one really did change the world.

Yippee!

HE SPEAKS LATIN

Oh.

Holy Father, who art in Heaven,

I'm so sorry for ruining another page of your blessed word.

Tired of writing the whole Bible out by hand?

Is that you, God?

The next best thing.

I'm Johannes Gutenberg, and this is my all-new printed Bible.

Ooo.

The world's first mass-produced Bible.

180 copies from press to pew, before you can say Jehoshaphat.

All your favourite stories, from Adam and Eve, to the end of days.

Printed in clear, readable Latin on paper or luxury cow skin.

It's a miracle.

No, monk. It's moveable type.

Simply arrange the letters on the metal block

to create the word or phrase you require and print.

And print.

And print again! No more fiddly quills.

No more bad back.

No more careless spelling, please.

Thanks, Gutenberg! Well not so fast, monk.

Don't thank me. Because with the Gutenberg Bible,

you're out of work.

The new moveable type.

Taking the monkey business out of...

Hey. And again.

That's going to go in someone's eye.

Boo ya! Oh. Great, that got in my eye, are you happy?

Jehoshaphat!

Those stairs are killing me.

There has got to be an easier way.

I can't make any sense of this book you've written, Ishmael.

It's just a list of words.

That's because it's a dictionary.

What's a dictionary?

Look it up.

Oh, dictionary, a book that gives the correct definition of words.

Oh, I see. Very original.

Of course it's original - I, Ishmael al Jawhari, am a great pioneer.

Pioneer, what's... Oh no, don't tell me, look it up.

Ah, one who achieves or discovers something

for the first time. Indeed.

Yesterday was the dictionary, today I'm master human aviation.

Aviation?

Right, OK.

Just bear with me.

Aviation, the science of flight.

Give me another.

AHHHHHH!

Ahhhhhh? OK, that will be somewhere near the beginning.

HE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

No, no, it's not here.

Splat. Right.

OK. Oh, yes, that's here.

The sound made by a soft object on impact with a hard surface.

Oh. This book's great, Ishmael.

Ishmael?

It's true Ishmael al Jawhari invented the Arabic dictionary

then died trying to invent human flight.

It just shows how important planning is.

That's why I've created blueprints for my new invention.

Unfortunately, they're blue cheese prints and they are delicious.

Oh, well, back to the drawing board.

Or the cheese board, more like!

Ha, ha, ha.

Maybe I can get some inspiration from this next ingenious inventor -

he made lots of plans.

Bet they weren't as tasty as mine.

It's a new term and headteacher Hannah Lawrence

has less than two weeks to turn around the fortunes of a school

whose latest Ofsted rating was IMHO, not GR8.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

It's Monday morning, and class 7F

have a new design-and-technology teacher.

We needed a supply teacher and Mr da Vinci had a very impressive

CV. Leonardo can teach art, music, geography, hydraulic engineering -

not much call for that one here -

everything apart from advanced physics.

Oh, and advanced physics.

Good morning, everyone.

ALL: Good morning Mr...

Ic Ni Vad?

It's close. Da Vinci.

But you can call me Leonardo.

Sir, why did you write your name backwards?

Good question. It's called mirror writing.

Optics.

You guys know how eyeballs work, right?

Go on, dissect them.

Get to know them. Paint on them.

Use them as missiles.

Why not?

Who threw this? Ryan.

Ryan, you are a genius.

I am? We're going to make a full-size version,

strap it to your back and then throw you from the roof of the school.

No. I might die.

Good point, I don't need another corpse.

Mr da Vinci is well weird.

OK, time to learn about dissection.

Everybody grab a knife.

He's the best teacher I've ever had.

The headteacher has heard worrying reports

about Mr da Vinci's teaching methods.

Sir, there's not enough space on the whiteboard.

OK, everybody, it's time to start writing on the wall.

It's al fresco time.

So Mr da Vinci is called in to see the headteacher.

Ciao, Maestra.

Mr da Vinci, I'm a little concerned by some of the work

coming out of your class. I agree, call that an intestine?

It looks like overcooked linguine.

And you tried to get Ryan Murray to jump off the school roof?

Listen, I'm as disappointed as you that he pulled out, but

I guess he didn't have the stomach for it.

Ha-ha. You're fired.

What?

That reminds me...

..it's a three-barrelled cannon.

We made it in Year Seven.

The kids call it the Big Bang theory.

Ha-ha. Please leave.

Ryan, help me.

Leonardo da Vinci really did design a flying machine,

but he never got further than drawing it.

It took two incredible brothers from America to finally create the first

aeroplane. Good day.

BANG!

Needs some work.

Jiminy Cricket, Wilbur, I sure as heck am excited.

Hoo wee. Sure, Orville, me, too.

All that painstaking, good old-fashioned hard work.

Calculating in wind tunnels, observing birds in flight,

all leading up to this one glorious moment when the Wright brothers

accomplish the first manned flight of an aircraft with an engine.

Am I right, or am I right?

Yeah, well, you must be even more excited

to be the first one to fly it.

Yea... Wait, what?

Yeah, I think you should fly it first. Yeah.

I don't know though.

I'm not sure I would be so good.

Too darned excited. I might start smiling too much,

lose control of the plane. Listen, I would love to die...

Fly. But I just think you would be so much better.

Well, sure is kind of you to say, brother, but...

Say, I know what would be a heap of fun.

Let's flip a coin. Fine, that sounds fair.

Heads or tails? Tails.

Tails it is.

See, this is so much fun.

Best of three? Fine. Tails. Tails twice in a row, you crazy...

Oh, come on! The coin is rigged. Orville, that's your lucky coin.

Well, it's a shame I don't gots my goggles.

Going to my room and getting them now.

Orville. Yes. Get on the plane. OK.

UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hoo wee!

This is the greatest feeling in the world.

I don't know what I was so afraid of.

I'm glad I decided against the helmet...

No, I am going down.

Hoo wee.

Good evening.

I am Charles Babbage, the inventor and computing pioneer.

And I am Ada Lovelace.

I'm also a computing pioneer and I've carved out

my own impressive career.

I'm also the daughter of famous poet and rogue Lord Byron,

but I don't like to talk about that.

Yeah, well... Well, maybe don't mention it at all, then.

Together we helped create one of the world's first-ever computers.

Yes, but inventing can be a dangerous business.

What was I inventing when I nearly drowned?

Was it...

The answer is A.

A pair of shoes that could walk on water.

Except, of course, they couldn't walk on water, could they?

I also invented a cow catcher to go on the front of trains.

Moo. Moooo-ve.

Very funny.

Those darned Germans are pushing us hard.

We need something new to take the fight back to the Nazis.

Well, this young chap here has come up with some

new kind of missile technology.

Could be just what we need.

Show us what you've got, son.

Thank you. So my associate and I have developed a technique

to prevent the enemy from jamming the radio signals on our torpedoes.

You know who you look like?

I'm sorry. That famous Hollywood actress - what's her name?

Hedy Lamarr. Yeah. Yes, I am she.

No way!

Oh, man! He likes you.

No, I don't! Yes, you do, don't be shy.

I like you. Me, too.

Most flattering. Anyway, back to my invention.

The problem with the existing torpedoes...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, why are you doing that accent?

I was born in Austria.

But I'm here because I have invented something that might help us

win the war. Are we in a movie right now?

No. Unless you would like to be in a movie called How We Lost The War,

I recommend you listen.

The frequency-hopping secret communication system I propose...

I think I might propose in a minute.

Me, too.

Will you please listen?

The frequency of the signal constantly changes so that...

It's incredible, I almost believe you actually know

what you're talking about. I do know what I'm talking about.

Diva alert!

Gentleman, you are imbeciles.

Good day. Miss Lamarr.

Do you think I could be an actor?

That's a yes. Great exit.

It's true Hedy Lamarr really was a famous movie star

and inventor and her plans eventually led to the creation

of Wi-Fi which of course we all use today. Top work, Hedy.

And look, I've managed to redraw the blueprints.

I ran out of blue cheese, I've had to use Swiss.

Mustn't eat it. Mustn't eat it.

You know, there's another famous invention we all eat,

and it came about in a rather unexpected way.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Good evening. George Crumb, the chef,

I hope everything was satisfactory.

Oh, the fish was divine.

And this cherry pie was to die for.

It was perfect. Thank you.

Thank you.

If I can make one teeny-weeny suggestion?

What?

I was wondering whether you could make your French fries

a little thinner?

These were a little bit thick for my liking.

Thick? A tiny bit.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, they are gargantuan, aren't they?

They're so big, I wonder how you could fit them in your mouth

without your head falling open.

Look, you can barely see it from one side to the other.

It's way too big to fit in your tiny little mouse mouth!

Well, I was just wondering if you could cut them a little thinner,

that's all. Oh, his Lordship, the king of Saratoga Lake,

wants them thinner, then?

I'll give you thinner!

What? I just...

There, is that thin enough for you?

Now you are just being silly.

No, nothing is too much for the potato police.

I told you not to mention the French fries.

I was very restrained.

Every time we go anywhere.

There, there you go.

There you go.

Tuck in!

Is this thin enough for you?

Oh, dear, you can't see through that?

Maybe I should shave a little off the top for Count Skinny Chip.

These extra-thin French fries are delicious.

They're so...

so crisp.

You should patent these. You could make some money.

Sure, I'll get down to the patent office right away.

I'm sure I'll make a fortune out of some deep-fried slivers of potato

crisps. That will catch on!

It's a good job we didn't tell him the soup wasn't very hot.

Why, I oughta ...

DISHES SMASHING

Hey, I'm Alexander Graham Bell.

And I want you to meet myPhone.

myPhone is a new device that lets you talk to someone

even when they are not in the same room.

As long as they are in the room next door.

Mr Watson, get in here, want to speak to you!

What? myPhone is the most powerful,

compact lightweight phone ever invented.

Because it's the only phone ever invented.

I wish you never had invented that stupid thing.

What's that? It's not just for calls -

use myPhone to find out what the weather is doing.

Hey, what is the weather doing, then?

I don't know.

Enjoy the latest music.

Be quiet!

Play online games.

Queen to King four. Check.

I am trying to work!

It's great in an emergency.

Watson, my house is on fire!

I wish it was, stop calling me.

And that's not all myPhone can do.

Actually, no, that is pretty much all it can do.

I thought of something else it does.

Yeah?

New myPhone - now it's mobile, too!

It's 1926 and all over,

people are settling down in front of a brand-new invention that has just

arrived in everyone's living room.

What are we watching here?

I don't know, I've never seen anything like it.

I like it. I can see my reflection in it.

Does it do anything else?

This year, viewers got to see the very first television set.

I don't see the point of it, mate.

I think you're meant to flick that switch.

Oh. Oh.

Look, there's a picture coming up on the glass bit.

One of the first things to be shown on television

was a creepy ventriloquist dummy called Stooky Bill.

It's like a weird ugly face.

You sure that's not still your reflection?

Television was the brainchild of a Scottish engineer

called John Logie Baird.

I have got lots of other inventions, too.

The socks that go under your socks.

My pneumatic shoes are pretty great.

That brung him down a peg or two.

Yeah. And of course, artificial diamonds.

I love diamonds, man.

They are pretty energy intensive.

Turn up the generator.

Higher.

Glad that has happened. Rubbish, this television.

See if you can get it working again, pet.

From the wheel, to the printing press, to television -

you humans have come up with some pretty incredible inventions,

and all it has taken is hard work and ingenuity.

And that is why I have come up with this...

A sofa.

Because all that inventing sounds like too much hard work

and ingenuity, and I am going to need to sit down.

So many inventions, it's exhausting.

Sorry. I hit him in the face. I'm glad that that's not...

That's happened.

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪