Original subtitles

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Ah, romance. Finding a perfect partner can be tricky.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

That is certainly what Henry VIII did.

He had a grand total of six wives.

Yes, six.

Everyone is looking for that

special one in their life

and for a king they must be royally special.

Welcome to Historical First Dates.

Henry VIII of England has arrived

for his first date.

Yeah, I'm pretty nervous.

But...they tell me she's fit.

Catherine is a princess of a powerful country

and a devout Catholic.

I just pray she's good at real tennis.

I'm Henry. Catherine.

BOTH: Oh, no.

She's also Henry's dead brother's widow.

Seriously, does no-one check if the dates were married to your brother?

Surely that's page one?

Along with, does she play real tennis?

This is a bit of a nonstarter, isn't it?

I mean, the Tudor Church doesn't even recognise in-laws as a thing,

so you're actually my sister.

This is not ancient Egypt, so...

It is a total disaster.

I am the daughter of the most powerful king in all of Europe

and there is not that many people my Spanish father

would be happy with me marrying.

Your brother was perfect...

till he died. Yeah, although you guys

weren't married that long, were you?

Si. This is true. I could ask the Pope

to say that you weren't married long enough for it to count,

kind of like a four-second rule,

when you drop a biscuit on the floor or a piece of salami.

Yes. I mean, he's bound to agree.

How hard can this be? OK.

Then, brother, we shall be married.

Maybe drop the whole brother thing though, yeah? Will do.

So it went pretty well?

Si, si, I shall be marrying the heir to the throne of England...

again. I mean, for the first time.

The other first time did not count.

Good time, sis. I mean, wife, not sis.

Unfortunately, the marriage wasn't to last.

Henry divorced Catherine of Aragon 24 years later

and he was single again.

Lucky fella.

What do you mean by that?

Ratalie, I didn't know you were there.

You smell lovely.

Is that Raw Sewage by Lady Gag?

Don't you try and flatter me, Rattus.

If you think being single is wonderful, why don't you try it?

We are through.

Ratalie, I don't want to be single.

I'll have to wash my armpits and brush my whiskers

and put in some actual effort. I've forgotten how, frankly.

Wait, I know.

Who are the most fashionable people in the world?

The Italians.

Maybe I could learn a thing or two from them.

Bruv, you look fresh, yeah?

Thanks, fam. So jealous of your curves, though, man.

They are lit. What? These little things?

Yeah, bruv. What's your secret?

Weights? Cardio?

Tights. Tights, bro?

Tights are tight. Check this.

Get some spare tights, you get me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tights,

like the must-have for every Italian Renaissance guy because they make

you look like leggy and whatnot.

Yeah, but these tights, fam,

you stuff them down your shirt.

I call it a "buff stuff". Buff stuff.

Oh, man, that is perfection!

You got swag. Man, this is on point.

Whoa.

Talking of point...

Check it.

Props, man. Man, those shoes are on fleek, yeah?

I'm going to have to up my game.

Man going to see you come into the room 30 seconds

before you get in it, innit?

They're the latest thing in Milan, man.

Yeah, but, man, can you dance in those?

BOTH: Whoa!

Can I dance? Does that answer your question?

Man is going to slay.

Guys, guys, check this.

Oh, yeah, bruv, you've got a little bit of bum showing there, man.

Only a little bit? How about now?

Nice, yes, that's the one, man.

Keep that, yeah.

OK, squad, we good to go?

Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

First, selfie.

Obviously.

Selfie stick.

Squeeze in together.

Nice. Hashtag Renaissance boys!

♪ Ah... ♪

Hello. I'm Saint Valentine,

a very holy man, who is remembered for trying to help people find love.

It eventually got me into a great deal of trouble and I was executed

for doing it. A great sacrifice.

But how do you remember me?

By sending each other stupid cards.

"Roses are red, violets are blue!

"Here is a Valentine's card,

"which has actually nothing to do with Saint Valentine."

And 1861 was the first time...

Well, actually, do you know what people sent each other for the first

time in 1861?

Was it... A, fluffy teddy bears holding a heart?

B, boxes of chocolates, or C, heart-shaped cupcakes?

The answer is...

B, boxes of chocolates.

Mr Cadbury was trying to find another use

for his drinking chocolate,

so he made little chocolate treats and put them in a box

with hearts all over it. And people actually ate these silly,

you know, delicious...

Very delicious...

These are very good, have you tried these?

These are glorious. I think I might take the box.

No...

Right, internet dating.

Apparently, I need to look smart and make a short video

to show myself off. Here goes.

Hi, my name is Rattus.

I'm 44 centimetres tall and have all my own teeth.

Classy.

I'm looking for a lady who likes eating out...

of bins...and whose name is

Ratalie.

Oh, Ratalie, why did you leave me?!

HE SOBS

You know, the internet is a funny place to find a date,

but there have been much stranger ways in history.

Tall, skinny potage mit herby sprinkles.

Thanks, Gertrude. Welcome.

You like her, don't you? What?

Gertrude, no.

Yeah, I do, I do. Quite a lot.

Yeah. Well, you know what you have to do, don't you?

Yeah, I know, I know. Go over there, talk to her,

give her a bit of the old charm, boom.

What? No. This is medieval Bavaria, mate.

You don't just talk to her.

Don't worry. It's easy.

All you need to do is conjure up a demon.

A demon? Yeah. Conjure up a demon, demon bewitches girl,

girl falls in love with boy and job's a good 'un.

I think I'll go over there

and see if she fancies a picnic.

That is so lame.

Do you even know how to summon a demon?

Of course I know how to summon a demon.

I've done it on numerous occasions, but just to check...

How would you do that, please?

All you need is a dove.

DOVE COOS!

A dove? DOVE COOS!

Right. Then you need to drain the dove's blood.

SQUELCH!

Then use it to draw picture of the woman on a female dog skin.

SQUELCH!

Great. OK. So, dove's blood, dog's skin, lady picture.

Got it. Then you need to write the name of the demon

on the dog skin drawing

and burn some myrrh and saffron to fumigate it,

and hang it around your neck.

So, from the beginning, it's dove's blood, dog skin, lady picture,

demon's name, hideous necklace.

Yes.

Then you need to go to a secret place,

draw a circle in the dirt with a sword and stand in the middle.

And that's it? Yes. How would you do it?

Pretty much the same, yeah.

What are you waiting for, chap? Go get her!

MAN CHANTS

Just my luck. Now Fabian's chatting her up.

This is really...

Told you, dude, it's the demon dog skin.

Do you have a girlfriend, then?

No. No.

Did not think so.

For some, the lightning strikes first time.

But, for others, love can be harder to find.

King Henry is back looking for the one...

..or another the one.

How's it going? I'm Henry.

Wow!

Fit.

So...game on. Let's get working on this male heir, shall we?

You free tomorrow? Yes.

Let's get married. Yeah.

I probably should have mentioned this...

I am actually married already.

Then divorce her.

That's a good idea. Problem is,

I'm a massive Catholic and we don't really do divorce.

Plus, she hasn't really done anything wrong

for the 17 years we've been together. It's tricky.

It's a little bit tricky. It's tricky.

Goodbye. Wait! I have an idea.

It looks like you managed to sort out the divorce issue.

Yes, yes. It was actually very simple.

All I had to do was dismantle the entire Catholic church

throughout England and Wales, set up a brand-new church

with myself as the head, and grant myself a divorce.

Simples. It was actually quite a lot of work.

I'm really happy.

I could really lose my head over with one.

Good times.

Henry made Anne Boleyn his second wife,

but just three years later he had her head chopped off.

Still, at least they loved each other at the start.

Some royals get married

just to make their country richer and more powerful.

Royal marriages can be dead complicated.

You join us for the royal wedding of the British Prince of Wales,

Frederick, to the German Princess Augusta.

What a thrill it is to be here...

at such short notice.

King George II and Queen Caroline of Britain here.

Frederick warmly greeting his royal parents.

And here she is, the radiant young bride, Princess Augusta herself.

Clinging to her mother's skirts as

she is tenderly dragged down the aisle.

How utterly charming.

And of course what a whirlwind courtship it has been.

It was only last month that Prince Frederick

agreed to marry this woman, whom he had never met,

so that his lovely parents would

give him lots of their delightful money.

Now comes that magical moment when the bride and

groom are finally face-to-face.

I'm expecting fireworks.

SHE VOMITS

What a wonderful outpouring of emotion from such a young princess.

I think Queen Caroline may have been hit by a bit of the splashback.

What a thoughtful and fitting tribute

to the bride's new mother-in-law.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Augusta, of course, not understanding a word

the Archbishop says

as she only speaks German.

Queen Caroline translating there,

obviously as keen as the rest of us

for this fragrant young woman

to join the Royal Family...

..and inject a bit of cash at the same time.

Very good, very good. We're all married now, aren't we?

Well done, me. Come on.

Oh, you absolutely stink of vomit.

Prince Frederick there really is head over heels for his new bride.

Quite literally.

Oh, simply marvellous.

I'm welling up.

Love works in mysterious ways.

But even married couples can't always be together,

and in times of war, many have found themselves separated

from their loved ones.

But not for these ancient Greeks.

They took them with them.

Men of the Sacred band of Thebes, we are famous across the world!

Armies quake at our name

because they know that, for every man we face,

they face two! Hoo-ha!

We are the only regiment in the world made up of couples!

Hoo-ha!

Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, everyone.

We're late. Carry on. We weren't late.

He was. Typical. A bit of forward planning wouldn't go amiss.

Can we not do this now, please?

HE MOUTHS: I'm sorry.

We fight in pairs because we know that, no matter what,

when our lives are in danger, our partners will be there for us!

That would be a nice change, wouldn't it?

Men, on my signal,

march! Hoo-ha!

Hang on. What?!

One second. Sorry, Malcolm.

I really think we should talk about this now.

I would hate for you to have this playing on your mind when you're

supposed to be protecting me from a Spartan attack.

Well, what if I don't want to talk now?

What do you mean? You can't do that.

Guys, can we please speed it up?

I mean, we do have a battle to go to.

I don't want to lose just because

of some petty argument about someone being late.

So being late isn't important?

Two hours my mum kept that meal warm for you.

I didn't... I didn't mean that.

Please don't undermine me in front of my men, it's embarrassing.

Excuse me.

I mean, our men. Our men.

Typical, this is so typical of you.

How was it typical of me? It's always the same.

I don't think we should do this in front of the men.

Well, I don't think we should be doing it but we are.

OK. All right, all right.

If we all argue, we will miss the battle.

Not like you to miss something.

Oh, here we go again.

Yes, here we go again, actually. Unbelievable.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

You wait a minute.

See? This is why we Spartans don't allow couples in our army.

Hey, don't push him, please.

Shove-y Sheila.

Shall we attack? I'm not getting in the middle of that.

Together at last,

the most romantic love letters of all-time set to music,

featuring their original words...

Including the ancient Egyptian classic...

♪ Ooh, aah

♪ My heart is carefree

♪ Like a redfish in its fish pond

♪ Your voice rejuvenates me like fat

♪ Mixed with honey

♪ Your love has joined to me like incense to the nose

♪ I'm exhilarated without beer

♪ He's exhilarated without beer

♪ Without beer!

♪ Yeah, yeah, without beer! ♪

And the soaring love letters of

Russian Czar Nicholas II and Czarina Alexandra.

♪ You are my very life, sweetheart

♪ Off you go again alone

♪ No more kisses and tender caresses for so long

♪ I love you, I long for you terribly

♪ I kiss you tenderly and love you infinitely

♪ Farewell till our next meeting, my darling Alexey

♪ Yours eternally, your old hubby, Nicky. ♪

Peace out.

And from the Emperor of France and his notorious lover

comes the country ballad that took Europe by storm. Well, most of it.

♪ Josephine, Josephine, Josephine, Josephine

♪ Not a word from you, what on earth have I done?

♪ To think only of you, to love only Josephine

♪ To live only for my wife

♪ Does this deserve such harsh treatment from her?

♪ You alone who rules my heart knows only too well

♪ The power you hold over me

♪ Write to me, think of me and love me

♪ Josephine! ♪

Yours ever for life, Bonaparte.

It's drippy, it's soppy

and you need a copy.

Order it now.

Some are lucky in love.

They meet the woman of their dream

and then spend the rest of their life with them.

Others just chopped their heads off.

King Henry is back looking for the next,

next special one in his life.

The specially special special one.

Hi, hi, hi.

How's it going?

Henry. Jane Seymour.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry if I don't seem in a great mood.

I'm just getting over a pretty tough break-up.

I'm sorry to hear that. You must be heartbroken.

Yes. Well, to be fair, it's harder on her.

I mean, she is in bits.

GUILLOTINE SLICES

Look, do you want to get married? I need a male heir pretty sharpish.

Yes? Great. Cheque.

Henry, you look really happy.

Well, I am. Really happy.

She's the best one yet. She's a winner.

A keeper. Not a divorcey.

Not a, you know, choppy.

She's a keeper AND she's brilliant at real tennis.

Fantastic drop shot. Good times...

I hope. Yes.

BELL TOLLS

She died.

Yeah. Pretty upset about that, actually.

King Henry is back.

Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda. Special one in his life.

Blah, blah, you know.

Hey. How's it going?

I'm...

not... Henry VIII.

Wrong restaurant.

Taxi!

Henry, tell us what happened.

So we kind of had to get married in the end.

Politics. But we got divorced straight after and I gave her

a bunch of properties, so she can live off the rent and it's all

pretty much cool, basically. Yeah.

I'm straight back in to the next one,

which could be the one.

Or the...third.

Or fourth. Which one is it?

The fifth.

King Henry just kept rushing into marriage after marriage.

You wouldn't catch me doing that.

My name is Rattus and I'll marry anyone

who will go on a date with me.

They don't even have to come to the wedding.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Take a look at this couple.

We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of

King Alfonso III, King of Aragon, and Princess Eleanor.

Oi! That is not Eleanor.

Is it? Eleanor cannot be here today,

it is a long way to travel from England,

but John De Vesci is here as her proxy.

Delighted to meet you.

No need to do the voice.

I'm definitely not marrying this man in a dress.

No, no. I told him the dress was not necessary but he insisted.

Well, you can't blame me for wanting to look nice.

It's supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

No, because you are not Princess Eleanor.

It is not the happiest day of your life,

it is the happiest day of her life.

It's definitely not going to be the happiest day of my life if I have to

marry him. He is not your wife.

Yet. John!

Stop it. Ready?

Do you, King Alfonso,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Sorry, who am I again? King Alfonso the III.

OK, but I don't know if I can do his voice.

You can absolutely do his voice

because you are King Alfonso III.

Oh! Si, claro! Got it.

Good point. OK, let's do this.

Do you, Princess Eleanor,

take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do! No, you don't!

You are King Alfonso III.

I'm not asking you!

I do. I promised I wouldn't cry, but...

By the power vested in me, you are now man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

No! What are you doing?! That is the best man!

How could you?

OK, you're married, I'm out of here. Peace out.

BELLS RING

Please! Don't be like this!

Come back, darling!

I'm Shah Jahan, a Mughal emperor of India.

I'm just showing my builders how big I want my Taj Mahal to be.

No, no, bigger!

I want snow on the top!

When it's finished, my Taj Mahal will be spectacular,

but can you tell me why I'm building it?

Is it A, to say thank you to my

favourite wife for making me a delicious pudding,

B, to apologise to my favourite wife for leaving the toilet seat up, or

C, a tribute to my favourite wife as she has sadly passed away?

The answer is C, a tribute to my favourite wife

after she sadly passed away.

I started building it in 1632 as a romantic gesture

to honour the memory of my late wife.

It's such a shame when your favourite wife dies.

Yes, I've got others but she was the best.

No, no, bigger. You know that thing you've just built?

That but bigger.

You just can't get the staff these days.

So Shah Jahan dedicated his Taj Mahal to his lost love.

But even when you have found love, it can still be difficult.

In France, Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI celebrated their wedding

with a lavish ceremony and thousands of well-wishers.

Then, as the day drew to a close,

they looked forward to spending some quality time

alone together, or did they?

So here we are alone, my wife,

on our wedding night.

Just you and me.

Oh! Oh! Oh! >

So sweet! >

Just you and me and the courtiers, who follow our every move.

Oh, don't mind us, Marie Antoinette. We are not here.

Yeah, but you kind of are, though.

This is the Royal Court.

There is no privacy here.

We watch everything - royal deaths, royal weddings, even royal births.

Oh, I love a good birth.

Oh, me too.

So cute.

So gross.

But don't worry, you can rely on us

to tell everyone else all about it tomorrow.

Er, what do we do now?

I think perhaps a kiss is traditional.

A kiss, that is the thing with the... Oui.

I think it goes something like...

ALL: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

That is not how you kiss, your Highness.

You put your mouth together like this.

Yeah, like an angry trout.

No, no, no. It should be more like a salmon.

A cross salmon. Who wants to kiss a salmon?

A mackerel, your Highness.

Like a mackerel. A cod. Cod.

No.

No, no, no. This kissing business is too difficult.

I want to play with my clocks.

You don't have to kiss a clock.

In fact, it is discouraged.

Right. OK.

I've had enough of this. Everyone out of the bedroom, please.

Come on. Out! Allez!

I cannot think why.

Party pooper.

Everyone. Yes.

I can see you. Off you pop.

Not you.

Oh, second thoughts, night-night.

He is back. Number five. I give up.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Easy, easy, easy, easy.

OK. I've been divorced, executed one wife and another died.

But I'm the King, so you have to marry me.

OK. I'm Katherine Howard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Who's this guy?

I'm Thomas Culpeper.

I'm her boyf... ..frumple. Boyfrumple.

It's a new word for servant, or assistant. Ow!

Henry, I can't help noticing that Catherine isn't with you.

No. Turns out there was something going on with that young man.

Amazing. I was told he was a boyfrumple.

Who knew?

Anyway, had to have her executed, naturally.

It was a shame but it does mean I'm back on the market.

To be honest, I'm getting on a bit.

What I really need is a nurse.

What's your name? Catherine Parr.

Do you want to get married, Catherine?

You'll be pretty much the same as now,

except you'll be wearing diamonds

and when you help me into the room next time everyone will address you

as "Your Majesty".

Erm, yeah, OK, cool.

Great. Good times.

You still have to wipe bot-bot though. Hmm.

Oh, sorry.

Catherine Parr was the last of Henry's six wives

and they were still married when he died,

so he kind of has a happy ending and so do me and Ratalie.

We are back together and I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Oh, Ratalie.

Please accept this ring of 100% pure cheese and make me

the happiest rat in the world.

Oh, Rattus, of course.

Hang on, where's the ring?

Oh, I ate that. I was hoping you'd be happy with the box.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, well. Looks like I'm single again. I guess it's not all bad.

This famous 18th-century Italian certainly seemed to enjoy himself.

Take it away, Casanova.

♪ Hey, come on over

♪ I'll tell you the story of Casanova

♪ I'm the hobo who...

♪ Me, a musician, spy, diplomat, dandy, physician

♪ Gambler, soldier, broker, self-taught

♪ Catholic priest, astronaut

♪ OK, that last was a lie

♪ But none of this what I am

♪ Remembered by

♪ I can't work out

♪ Oo-ooh, just look at those eyes

♪ Such well-dressed eyes

♪ I, of all the guys I, I drive them wild

♪ Helped cure a senator having a fit

♪ In noble circles I became a hit

♪ Allowed me to adopt this lifestyle to wit

♪ To wit, to wit

♪ He's well lush and we know it

♪ He's tasty and he show it

♪ Claim to write for Mozart

♪ But mostly care about breaking girls' hearts

♪ Bought jewels, gave up prayers

♪ My mind too busy on other affairs

♪ Invented the lottery, France a big fan

♪ But falling in love is still my big plan

♪ Till one lady said

♪ You dirty old man

♪ Old man, old man

♪ I was past it and I knew it

♪ No love life and I blew it

♪ Lost confidence in love and fighting

♪ Dedicate my life to writing

♪ Wave goodbye to Casanova

♪ My life as a great lover over

♪ He wrote this book, Story Of My Life

♪ Every love affair and cheating wife

♪ 130 all said and done

♪ You wriggled your way out of every one

♪ Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle

♪ Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle

♪ I was well lush and I knew it

♪ But that life I outgrew it

♪ A new life thought I'd try it now

♪ Librarian, so quiet. ♪

Shhhhh!

Hello, again. Oh, no, that's an English accent. Sorry.

Forgot I was French.

Alfonso! How could you?

Ay...caramba!

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. ♪