Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

♪Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

Since the dawn of time,

when humankind first set foot outside Africa,

we have thirsted for new lands and new adventures.

Have you ever been here before? No, never left the Middle East,

none of us have. I'm not sure I'd like the food.

Well, great, then I'm the first man to set foot on this land.

I'm Ugg and I have discovered Europe.

Hello. I think you are a Neanderthal and I've just discovered you, so...

Humankind continued to spread across the globe,

crossing mighty oceans,

discovering uninhabited new lands.

I am the Viking Leif Erikson,

and I am the first man ever to step foot on this new, undiscovered land.

Oh, hello. Welcome to my home.

Would you like anything? Water?

We've got still or sparkling.

Go away. Go away.

And so the story of human exploration continues.

Hi, I'm Neil Armstrong, I'm the first man ever to step...

Hang on,

there's definitely no-one else here already, is there?

It's me, Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon.

Sorry, this bit is really about first man, Buzz.

A great name, though.

The explorers get ready for the journey.

OK, that's it, go away to the Eagle.

Now.

Do you know, I don't know why there's all this fuss

about visiting the moon.

There's not much atmosphere.

Not much atmosphere.

OK, so we know all about the first person to land on the moon,

or cross the Atlantic, but no-one seems to care about the first rats.

That's why I'm going to become a great explorer and find the source

of ye ancient sewer pipe.

It's a bit like when the Roman emperor Nero wanted to discover the

source of the River Nile in Africa.

Imagine setting out on that journey with no map, no sat nav,

no idea what you might see.

Turned out to be just as tricky as it sounds.

The first century AD,

and with the mighty Roman Empire covering the known world,

its glorious emperor decides to send his envoys into the unknown.

Go forth and find the source of the Nile.

Claim it in the name of the emperor.

The glory of Rome, we will find the source of the River Nile.

To the glory of... Are you good?

Yes, I'm all right. It's really slippery...

I got in my mouth.

For the glory of Rome. For the glory of...

I think I've lost my helmet.

I've lost my boots. I think.

For the love of...

I hate to be a stick in the mud,

but is it just me or have we not actually moved?

For months? Yes, we've moved. We've definitely moved.

Yes, that's my helmet, no, we haven't moved.

We're never going to find the source of the Nile.

Stick the standard in and let's go home.

For the glory of Rome!

Done. Hometime.

Oh. These Romans are crazy.

He's got your boots on. Oi, come back with those!

We Vikings wouldn't let a little mud stop us on our travels across Europe

and beyond. We braved ice, oceans, sea monsters.

OK, maybe not monsters,

but it was an incredible feat for one people to achieve.

But then we weren't one people.

There were lots of different Vikings from Sweden, Denmark and Norway.

People just couldn't tell us apart.

Officer, my home, ruined by Vikings.

Now, don't you worry, madam.

Can you describe your pillager?

He was a big, blonde, hairy man with a helmet.

Oh, great, this shouldn't take long.

Follow me, madam.

Can you identify the culprit from this group of suspects?

You. Oh, it was you.

Oh, am I so sorry.

You. What you did to my...

You!

It's very confusing, isn't it?

They all look so similar.

That is very offensive.

It was him, he laid waste to the whole east coast of England.

That is a filthy lie, I am a Norwegian Viking,

we never pillage English towns.

Where were you, then? Pillaging a Scottish village. OK.

It is the Swedes that attack the English cities.

Who are you calling a Swede?

I am a Danish Viking.

Which one of you wears the helmets with the horns,

the horns coming out?

That is a stereotype. Yawn.

I am a Swedish Viking and will never pillage England or Scotland.

Russia or Constantinople, yes, sure,

we always pillage these two cities.

The east. We know which Vikings only who go west.

The east is just weird.

You are weird.

No, you are weird.

It takes one to know one.

All right, look, we know you are completely different.

Yes, but which one of you pillaged this lady's home?

It was him, the Swedish one.

No, I'm the Swedish one, here is the Norwegian one.

How dare you call me Norwegian.

What's wrong with being Norwegian?

How about your face?

Take that. Don't flick me.

Typical Vikings, they're all the same.

Well, I found the source of the sewer pipe.

Just as someone flushed.

I think I will do my exploring at sea next time.

We rats are great sailors, we've travelled right across the world,

spreading goodwill and disease wherever we go.

I've got everything it takes to be a great sailor.

Courage, a boat, and I once lived in Devon.

Oh, yes, way before Chris Martin and Tom Daly conquered the world,

these other sons of Devon were conquering the high seas.

Pa, I don't want to go to sea.

Don't be daft, the best navigators in the world come from Devon.

Just like us. Come on, there are some people I want you to meet.

Sir Walter Raleigh and Sir Francis Drake.

It's me.

John Davies!

Discovered the Falkland Islands.

Oh, yes, the place with absolutely no gold and lots of penguins.

And absolutely no gold.

Yes, I just said that. All right.

Oh, them penguins.

Better than gold, if anything, I reckon.

Anyway, my son says he doesn't want to go to sea, would you believe it?

I'm begging your pardon you what now beg your pardon?

That's the best place for a fine young Devon lad like

yourself. And we'll show you why. Through a song.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF I'VE GOT A BRAND NEW COMBINE HARVESTER

♪ I sailed right round the globe

♪ And saw many a sight

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ I attacked Spanish ports to show Queen Liz's might

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ I sailed right back to England with treasure in the hold,

♪Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ Spanish says I's a pirate but I still got all their gold!

♪ Now I've got a brand-new land to find,

♪ And you could come with me

♪ We're going to make all our fortunes,

♪ When we cross the sea

♪ You can get a knighthood, and I'll get more wealthy

♪ Oh I've got a brand-new land to find,

♪ Just don't get dysentery!

HE BREAKS WIND

♪ I explored the New World and set up colonies

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ Brought back potatoes but not the coconut

♪ That was me # Ooh arr, ooh arr

♪ He fought in the Armada and flirted with his Queen

♪ Find El Dorado, be the richest man ever seen

♪ Now I've got a brand-new land to find

♪ So why don't you come with me?

♪ We're going to make all our fortunes when we cross the sea

♪ You can get a knighthood and I'll get more wealthy

♪ But don't forget to bring your sword, cos nothing comes for free

♪ I saw the Falklands

♪ And discovered some penguins,

♪ Ooh arr, ooh arr...♪

Guys? My verse?

Oh, come on, everyone loves penguins.

Right?

Hello, I'm Queen Elizabeth I.

My courtiers were always trying to impress me.

Of course they were, I'm the queen.

I can have their heads chopped off.

So, what did Sir Francis Drake give me as a small token of his esteem

when he arrived back from his sailing trip around the world?

The answer is C, a sack of pounds.

£160,000 to be precise.

That's more than half a billion in your modern money.

I'd still like the pearls and potatoes as well, though.

Chop chop, I am the queen.

That's a lot of gold.

Yes, exploring was often about getting rich,

and Europeans were obsessed with trying to find the legendary city of

El Dorado, which was supposedly made entirely of gold.

Spanish explorers searched deep into the rainforests of South America to

find it, attacking us locals as they went.

But we had a pretty clever way of getting rid of them.

Sorry, I'm late, babes. It's all right, it's quiet.

Only a couple through so far.

Hold on, here comes another lot.

Still no sign of the cities of gold, Gonzalo.

I'm beginning to doubt that they even exist, to be honest.

But cities of solid gold, compadre,

why would the locals make that up?

I don't know, but either way,

I think that we should call off the search

and just burn down the villages and

steal all their stuff, like normal, please.

Greetings, godlike warriors.

Seek you the fabulous cities of gold that shine like the sun?

All right, don't overcook it.

Si, I, Gonzalo Pizarro, seek the legendary city of El Dorado.

I do that as well. He does too.

It's down that path away from our village,

and then turn you left and walk for about a week and then you climb over

the mountain, swim through the malaria-infested water.

Don't worry about the name. And then it's just up there on the right.

I'm going to be the richest man in Spain.

Directions to the crocodile breeding ground.

Nice touch.

Oi, oi. Incoming. Look, natives.

Let us torture them until they tell us where it is.

No need, mighty masters.

For legend of your strength and heroism has already reached us

and we are so afraid.

Excellent. Ponce de Leon may be hunting for

the fountain of youth in the north,

like an idiota, but we, we hunt a city made entirely of gold.

Which is way more believable.

Right, so, it's 100 miles that way, turn right,

look for a tree and Bob's your poncho.

What kind of a tree?

It's got a brown trunk and green leaves, can't miss it.

Glory awaits. Gracias.

You sent us to the capital of crocodile.

You said it was that way and then right.

No, it was a left.

We've got to go unless we're never going to find it.

Unless...

You aren't just giving us the run-around to get rid of us?

No.

The gold city, that way.

Really? There is also a tribe of Amazonian river women who really

like kissing. I like kissing too.

Come on, Gonzalo. Which way from the path?

Right. Left. Left. Right.

Left, then right.

Seems simple enough.

Let's go.

It is true, people really do think the locals made up the stories about

the cities of gold just so that explorers

would get lost in the jungle and leave them alone.

Honestly, who would believe there could be a city

made entirely of gold?

You'd have to be an idiot.

But a city made of cheese is totally believable.

Yes, my search for the ancient realm of El Double Gloucester

starts today.

And I know one person who won't be asking for directions.

Christopher Columbus.

It's a new term, and head teacher Hannah Lawrence has just two weeks

to turn around the school, whose last Ofsted rating was OMG,

someone should flatten this place and build a car park.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

I want the children to actually connect with the subject,

so starting with Key stage two geography,

I'm bringing in a teacher who really knows his subject first hand.

-Class 7 -F's new teacher is Christopher Columbus.

Ciao bambini, yes, it is I, the famous Christopher Columbus.

Wrong way, sir.

You are sitting in the wrong place.

My geographical calculations clearly show...

You should be over here.

OK, Mr Columbus doesn't have classroom experience,

or a sense of direction,

but he discovered America for goodness' sake.

The kids can look up to him and say, "Hey,

"maybe one day I can discover a continental landmass too."

Who can tell me where you get to if you set out from Spain and

cross the mighty ocean?

America, sir. "America, sir."

No, no, never heard of it.

It goes Spain,

sea monsters, sea dragons, Japan.

That's not Japan, sir.

That's Cuba.

Cuba.

Mexico, Latin America.

No, no, this globe is all completely wrong.

Luckily I brought my own.

Sir, that looks a lot like a pear.

Yes, just like the Earth itself.

Which is why when I went to Japan,

I had to sail uphill.

It is only 23 minutes into the new term and Columbus is called into the

head teacher's office.

Peculiar, there's no-one here.

I'm over here.

Oh. Well, according to my calculations,

you should not be there, you should...

Apparently your calculations also say that the world is

pear-shaped and there's no such place as America.

America, again.

Look, there's no such place.

OK, I'll tell you what's gone pear shaped, this job. You're fired.

Well, it's too late because I quit.

No, because I just fired you.

I can't hear what you're saying.

I am walking out of here already, so...

That's a cupboard.

Not according to my calculations.

These great explorers brought back boats

full of untold wealth and exotic things. It wasn't just the jewels

people got excited about.

Do you think it suits me?

Hi, world. I'm here with my BFFs Charlotte and Emily,

and we've come to my uncle's house today because I heard a rumour that...

..one of them is here.

OMG, they are so lush.

I'm so excited, I have never seen one in real life.

Harriet is going to be well jel.

I hope I don't say something stupid.

I literally cannot believe it.

I love the hair so much.

It is so amazing.

A pineapple! A pineapple!

My uncle rented it so he could show it off at his party this weekend.

We've never had one in Britain before!

Charlotte.

I cannot believe the pineapple has split up.

This is the worst day of my life.

This is so sad.

Oh, it's so good.

It's what he would have wanted.

It wasn't just the warm places that the explorers braved.

Once the oceans and continents had been conquered,

they headed for the icy lands of the North and South Pole.

It's no wonder that when Ernest Shackleton

tried to cross the Antarctic by ship

for the first time, things didn't go entirely to plan.

Men, our mission to cross the Antarctic is in crisis.

Our ship is now sinking

and we are stuck here on the ice.

I have decided, as leader, that we should go for help.

It is a perilous journey and we may not survive,

but just thinking of the hunger and hardships that you will be

no doubt facing will spur us on in the trials ahead, so...

Bye-bye. Bye. God speed.

Shut the door, shut the door, shut the door.

Once alone on the ice, the despair is overwhelming.

Still, who's up for a game of football?

Oh, me, please.

Do we have a football?

We could make one out of ice.

Good plan.

Keep rowing, lads, we should be out of this freezing,

cold sea in about three weeks.

It is only 800 miles,

just think of the poor wretches we've left behind and row.

Penguin meat, anyone?

Is there any more dog?

That finished Friday last week.

Sausage dog.

How about a surprise slushy?

Oh, what's the surprise?

I've made it yellow.

Snow sprinkles?

We've finally made it to South Georgia.

Unfortunately we are on the wrong side of the wretched island.

We are going to have to climb over the mountain to get to the port.

We'll be risking our lives, but think of the poor men

we've left behind. It must be a living hell.

All right.

I heard there are nibbles.

Yes, I can offer you frost bite, and hope you like penguin.

Please, I am desperate,

I have travelled all across South America and the South Atlantic

looking for a boat to rescue my men.

Please, if we do not leave now, there'll be none left alive to save.

We are back.

Shacklesby. Shackleton.

Right, sorry, sir, it's been a while.

We've come back to rescue you.

Thank goodness you are here, we are a man short for the footy.

We're travelled thousands of miles to rescue you and take you back to

civilisation. Excellent.

I'm sick of penguin. And ice football isn't great for the toes.

Plus, a sea lion has made off with my banjo.

Then we've got here just in time.

Come on. Oh, remember, there is a war on.

We can go home but as soon as we go back,

we all have to head off and fight in the trenches.

Right, we are staying.

Where is that sea lion with my banjo?

I love this one.

Trapped in a snowstorm...

..with no way out,

Arctic explorer Peter Freuchen will take

human ingenuity to the limit and beyond.

I could just squeeze out a poo.

I could make a frozen chisel and dig my way to freedom.

It's a true story, it's...

..a poo story.

It will warm your heart and open your bottom.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF LET IT GO

♪ Let it go, let it go,

♪ Can't hold it in anymore, let it go,

♪ Let it go, let it curl up on the floor,

HE FARTS

♪ I've been trapped for several hours underneath all this snow

♪ And maybe it's the frostbite talking and the lack of air too

♪ Say goodbye to the cold and the ice

♪ We don't have to stay here anymore

♪ I'm going to make a door, I'm going to make a door

♪With you # With me

♪ With poo # That's me

♪ With poo, I'm going to make a door. ♪

Can I say something crazy?

Will you marry me?

Can I say something even crazier?

You are talking to a poo.

Frozen Freuchen, coming soon.

But I'd probably give it five minutes, if I were you.

Hi, I'm the famous explorer Ernest Shackleton and I simply

couldn't have survived without dogs.

Out there in the snowy wastes of Antarctica, dogs pulled our sleds,

they gave us warmth at night.

Above all, they gave us friendship.

That's why it was so hard to eat them, but we were...

Cut. I'm standing in the right place, aren't I?

Sorry, did you say you ate your dog?

Oh, yes. That is totally inappropriate.

This is The Historical Dogs Appreciation Society.

Can you get him out of here? Get me someone else, please.

I do appreciate, they were lovely, a bit of lemon and black pepper.

Hi, I'm Lewis.

And I'm Clark. We explored Louisiana and the vast wilderness of early

19th-century America for nearly two years.

We faced a lot of hardships,

and there were times when we thought we couldn't go on.

But if there's one thing that held us together, it was our dogs.

They defended us, kept our spirits high and when we were hungry,

they were totally, utterly delicious.

Cut! I wouldn't have said delicious.

I mean, it was OK.

You ate your own dogs. It is not OK.

Is it too much to ask to get me someone

who doesn't eat dogs, please?

Am I talking to myself?

She's stressed out.

OK. Captain Cook, just to confirm...

Yes, yes, I confirm that on my historic voyage to Australia I did

not and have never eaten my own dog.

OK. And action.

I'm Captain James Cook...

No, I tell you a lie, we did eat the ones they gave to us when we arrived

at Hawaii. We served them up as a banquet, almost as nice as lamb.

Cut!

What is wrong with you people?

We were starving hungry.

You do things you regret when you're desperate.

I didn't want to be rude.

What about cats? Oh, I've never had cat.

Can you get them out of here, please?

Humankind's curiosity next turned to the stars,

and one of the bravest explorers of all was the astronaut Alan Shepard,

the first American to travel into space.

I just hope he didn't forget to do something before he set off.

Readouts are at 100% efficiency.

The sensors in the space suit are all working.

You guys. We are going to learn so much about how the human body copes

in outer space. Houston, we have a problem. Sorry, guys,

I'm going to have to interrupt you here.

Hang on, Alan, won't be long now.

Now, all the electrodes are still attached to his body, correct?

When we first talked about this whole going into space caboodle,

we said it was going to take 15 minutes, so...

I've got a bit of a situation in the bladder department.

Yes, Alan, that's right, we had to delay because of the weather,

but we should be ready to launch soon. So, just sit tight.

Sit tight, that is great advice, thank you, Phil, but you see,

the thing is, I didn't think it would take this long.

So I didn't go.

Sorry, go, go where?

To the little astronaut's room.

You want to go to the bathroom?

I really, really, really need the toilet.

I mean, heavens to Betsy, I've been in here for five hours.

Look, we can't stop the mission now, Alan, just think of something.

You're an astronaut. Final checks.

Six, five...

No. What's going on?

Mission aborted. The suit's sensors are short circuiting.

Alan, I don't how to tell you this, but we've had a malfunction,

so we might have to abort.

Alan, did you go pee pee?

It's OK, you guys,

I'm ready for take-off.

Mr Shepherd and Russian Yuri Gagarin

were the first men in space.

But I've discovered something that makes me feel better about not

finding El Double Gloucester, because two whole years before,

a rat called Hector got there first in a French rocket.

And that is 100% accu-rat.

Of course, exploring wasn't just about brave men and brave rats,

many female explorers have pushed

the boundaries of human discovery, too.

They just don't make such a song and dance about it.

Well, until now.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF KATY PERRY'S ROAR

♪ Girls were told don't roam got to stay at home

♪ Until the reign of Queen Victoria

♪ The establishment said women are not meant

♪ To adventure and explore ya

♪ Gertrude Bell said, "Poo, I can claim this too"

♪ Spoke Arabic, French and Persian,

♪ Good as any chaps working out new maps

♪ On each Middle East excursion

♪ Nellie Bly made it round the world

No flights!

♪ Isabella Bird reached the rocky heights

♪ Lily Bristow kept going until she dropped

♪ So many mountaineers reach the top

♪ First lady to climb the Eiger

♪ Lucy Walker, mountaineer

♪ Female pioneer

♪ One of the great explorers

♪ Who travelled further than before

♪ Ascended the Matterhorn

♪ Oh, see me explore

♪ Having reached their peak, women set to seek

♪ Bigger thrills and more higher highs

♪ Each aeroplane Jane had revered to gain

♪ They could match their men in the skies

♪ Let's take for a start

♪ Amelia Earhart

♪ Wanted to be more romantic

♪ In a flying burst she will man

♪ The first solo flight across Atlantic

♪ Amy Johnson's a world star, no avoiding

♪ Not bad for a flyer who started in Croydon!

♪ They had a lust for adventure, danger

♪ First woman in space, Valentina Tereshkova

♪ And we're going to explore

♪ Mountains, skies and outer space

♪ There's simply no place

♪ Off-limits any more

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ See us explore. ♪