Original subtitles

♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

♪ Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

♪ Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

♪ Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

♪ Gory stories, we do that

♪ And your host, a talking rat

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Welcome to...

♪ Horrible Histories. ♪

Horrible Histories presents...

New from Horrible Music, the enchanting sounds of prehistory.

It's Neanderthal Choral Classics.

Before instruments, before real language, before modern humans,

there lived Neanderthals, with their beautiful voice.

SQUAWKS

Relax and unwind with a selection of timeless classics.

The golden age of rock.

Well, rocks.

From massive club hits...

Aaah!

..to haunting romantic duets.

Woman!

Berries!

The unique shape of the Neanderthal throat

combined with their powerful chest and massive noses

creates a sound you'll never forget.

THEY SCREECH

Just perfect for soothing lullabies.

♪ BABY SLEEP! ♪

BABY CRIES

Yeah! He's singing!

For the first time on one compilation...

SINGS TUNELESS SCALE

Neanderthal Choral Classics - the unique sound

that will echo through the ages.

Order today and get a free mammoth song relaxation CD.

Mammoth! TRUMPETING, SCREAMING

Neanderthal Choral Classics.

It's a mammoth hit!

What a racket.

Even I could do better than that.

So I'm starting a band.

We'll be the biggest rat sensation since The Squeakend.

The Squeakend!

All I need is a name, some songs

and some bandmates.

Easy! I could have three cats fighting in a cupboard

and sound less scary than those Neanderthals.

Mind you, there was a time when music was meant to be scary.

Er, where do you think you're off to, young Celt?

I'm off out to play with my axe.

What about your music lesson? Your teacher will be here any minute.

Oh, Ma. I didnae spend two weeks' peat harvest

on a brand-new carnyx war horn

for you to leave it hanging up on the hut wall.

I hate the stupid carnyx.

CRASH, WHINNYING

You'll not be saying that

when you've led your tribe into battle against the Romans with it,

wee man. Noo then, let's hear the piece you've been working on.

HE SIGHS

STUTTERY TUNELESS SQUALL

What was that supposed to be?!

This is how it's supposed to sound.

DEEP RESONANT NOTE

Oh! That was absolutely shocking.

Cheers.

You see? The carnyx is meant to strike fear into the heart

of whoever hears it.

Try again.

OFF-KEY NOTES

You're getting worse!

Well done.

I wish my parents had made me learn when I was a bairn.

It's never too late, you know!

RUMBLING

You sound quite dreadful,

but you're still not giving me nightmares. Again.

RESONANT NOTE, RUMBLING

That was it! Look!

Your neighbours are running for the Trossachs!

And your mother's ears are bleeding.

You did that.

ECHOING DEEP RESONANT NOTE

PTHRRT!

Smell that, son? Aye.

You just made me broon my breeks.

Same time next week?

Oh, son!

You've made your old ma...

FARTING ..proud.

We Vikings can be pretty terrifying, too,

and scare the living daylights out of our enemies.

Although not with our music.

What we sometimes listen to might surprise you.

CHEERING

By Odin, what a great battle!

100 Anglo-Saxons are no match for even one Viking warrior.

Ho! It's so cool when we do that.

Now, are there any Anglo-Saxons left in the village?

No, sire. We chased them all away. Good.

Well, in that case, are you ready to party hard?

CHEERING

A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four!

GENTLE TINKLING MUSIC

Join in if you know the moves!

SNORT

What was that noise?

Was it my little bell?

Do it again. TINKLING

SNORT There it was again!

We cannot have anyone know about these little dances.

Don't worry, sire. It was probably the wistful sigh

of an ancestor's spirit, also wanting to throw some shapes.

And who can blame them?

In which case, rewind!

CACKLING

Look, it's a Saxon!

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

You cannot tell anyone what you saw this evening.

You're joking!

Hey, everyone! Come and look at these scary Vikings!

HE MIMICS MUSIC

You're really leaving me with absolutely no choice in this.

Yurgh!

That was harsh.

Shall we continue?

TINKLING STARTS

No, no. Huge buzzkill.

Huge buzzkill for me.

Flail along at home

with Now That's What I Call... Whipping Songs 14th Century.

♪ Cos if you want to free yourself from sin

♪ Then, baby, you should go and whip yourself. ♪

Ooh! Aaah!

It's the popular music craze that's trudging semi-naked across Europe

and whipping away its sins so God will take away the plague.

Now That's What I Call Whipping Songs 14th Century.

♪ Too late now to say sorry

♪ Cos we've got boils all over our body. ♪

Ow!

It's nonstop hits, and slaps, and slashes,

and the more of us that whip ourselves along to the music,

the more God will see we're sorry, and maybe take the plague away.

Please, please, take it away.

♪ We're going to party like it's 1312 tonight. Come on!

♪ Cos all I need to make my body ripped

♪ Is a great big leather whip. ♪

Ow!

Now That's What I Call Whipping Songs 14th Century.

Yes, it's true. Some people in the Middle Ages

really did sing whilst whipping themselves.

Well, that's one dance craze my new group won't be doing.

Yes, it's time to meet my band!

Hairy Styles,

Justin Sewerpipe,

Flusher, and Stayn Malik.

SPLASH

Oh! Stayn's quit already.

Never mind! We'll carry on without him.

Now, we need to come up with something new.

Maybe we can get some inspiration from this incredible composer.

'With her school at the bottom of the league table

'and in danger of being relegated,

'head teacher Hannah Lawrence

'is under pressure to improve results.

'This...is Historical Educating.

'It's Wednesday morning,

-'and class 7 -F have a new music teacher.'

Wolfgang Amadeus...

Mozart! HE CHUCKLES

But you can call me... Mr Genius. Ja?

What better music teacher than Mozart?

Writing music by the age of four,

first symphony when he was eight.

The kids can look at him and say, "I can do that."

I mean, obviously they CAN'T do it,

they're already too old, but... still.

OK, so you all know my stuff, right?

Of course you do, of course you do. What about this one?

MUSIC: Piano Sonata No.16 in C major by Mozart

ALL: No.

OK. What about...this one?

MUSIC: Symphony No.40 in G minor by Mozart

Lovely. Ja?

ALL: No.

Come on, you guys. OK, what about...this one?

MUSIC: Eine kleine Nachtmusik, 1st movement by Mozart

ALL: No.

Look, I have written over 200 hours of this music, so

I'm just going to keep playing and playing

until somebody recognises something.

ALL: Oh, yeah... Oh, you know it?

It's your favourite one, I thought so.

So we can all agree that I am Mr Genius, ja?

HE FARTS

OK - who is playing the trouser trumpet?

I am yanking your chain - it was me!

I find ge-pumping to be, how you say, hilarious.

I do! I do, really do.

HE FARTS "EINE KLEINE NACHTMUSIK"

Sir... Can we learn some ACTUAL music now?

In a moment.

And...can somebody open a window?

'Mozart is called into the head teacher's office.'

Come in, Mr Mozart.

Is there something the matter, Mrs McSmackybottom?

Not my name - but, yes, there is something the matter.

I understand your teaching methods are a little...off-the-cuff.

HE LAUGHS

Guff! You said "off the guff"! You can't behave like that.

Honestly, if Ofsted get wind of this...

Wind! You did actually say "wind" that time.

You're fired.

What?

You can't fire ME. I'm a genius.

A genius who needs a new job.

Job! "Job", that means "poo-poo".

Yeah, I'll... I'll see mein-self out.

There was just one more thing... HE FARTS

Hi. I'm world-famous musician and pianist Mozart.

No, not THAT Mozart -

Wolfgang's my annoying little brother.

I'm Maria Anna, and I was super-famous for my piano playing.

I started when I was eight,

and I played to sell-out crowds all across Europe.

But can you guess what happened to me when I turned 18? Did I...

The answer is...

B. I stayed in Salzburg and gave up performing.

Ja. Then I turned 18. My dad stopped me performing,

because he said I had to get married.

So my little brother Wolfgang took over and became famous instead.

So annoying!

That's totes annoying, Maria Anna. YOU'RE the best - obvs.

If only there was some way to prove it. I know - a musical duel.

It's been done, you know.

The German pianist Daniel Steibelt

once challenged the great Ludwig van Beethoven

to a piano duel - and there could be only one winner.

THEY CHAT

Ludwig van Beethoven.

Greatest composer of all time.

You're too kind.

I challenge you to a duel.

Ja. No, thanks.

Why? You...

..chicken? LADIES GASP, MUSIC STOPS

HE CLUCKS -BEETHOVEN'S 5 -TH SYMPHONY

Stop it!

Nobody calls Beethoven "chicken".

Gentlemen...choose your weapon.

I choose...

this piece. By Mozart.

Well...

in that case, I'm going to give you

a good "Haydn". ALL GROAN

Joseph Haydn.

Wow. Tough crowd.

Round one...

MUSIC: Piano Sonata in A major by Mozart

MUSIC: Sonata No.60 in C major by Haydn

Round two...

MUSIC: Piano Sonata No.11 in B flat major by Beethoven

CLAPPING

And now, gentlemen,

you must both play a piece of music

that you have never seen before.

MUSIC: Piano Sonata No.11 in B flat major by Beethoven

HE PLAYS A DUFF NOTE, ALL GROAN

ALL GASP

MUSIC: Concerto in G minor, No.6 by Steibelt

CLAPPING

Ha-ha! I could beat you in my sleep.

Fine, you win! You win.

HE PLAYS A FINAL FLOURISH

'It's The H Factor! Where the real superstars are the composers!

'The first hopeful to see the judges...

'is Ludwig van Beethoven!'

OK. So, Beethoven. Why do you think you've got the H Factor?

I can't hear you. I've gone deaf.

But despite my deafness,

many people still consider me the greatest composer of all time.

Yeah, you know...there IS such a thing as overconfidence, Ludwig.

MUSIC: Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven

No... No, no. Two words. Bor-ing.

I think you're wrong, Simon, you've got it all...

I think you are an absolute star, I love it. It's a yes from me.

Sorry, darling, it's a no from me.

From me, it's a... # no-o-o-ooo! ♪

I'll assume it's a yes. See you at boot camp. Can't wait.

No, no, no, no, no!

Hairy, you need to hit the beat,

then, Flusher, you come in with the bass.

Honestly. Sometimes, this lot put so little effort in.

It's like they're made of cardboard.

They don't get how important music can be.

Ask Harriet Tubman -

she and many of her fellow African-Americans

were slaves in the southern states of the USA,

and singing was just one of the ways they tried to keep their spirits up.

But if you listen carefully,

you might find that wasn't ALL the songs were doing.

TOGETHER: # When the sun comes up and the first bird sings

♪ We'll be digging this field till the night bell rings

♪ When the sun comes up, dear Lord, we'll say

♪ The big dumb foreman is coming this way... ♪

Hey, Tubman! We need to talk.

Now.

I've been gettin' whispers

that y'all slaves are usin' songs to share secret messages.

Why, I'm sure I don't know what you is talking about.

TOGETHER: # That big, dumb foreman, he's a total fool

♪ He's as ugly as a bullfrog and as stupid as a mule... ♪

Whisper is, y'all usin' songs to help each other escape.

♪ Now's a bad time for sneakin' through the farm

♪ The foreman is here and he'll do you some harm

♪ So wade in the water... ♪

I'm tellin' you, boss, there ain't no messages in the songs.

And why would I ever lie to you?

Apart from all the really obvious reasons.

♪ Sorry, but to tell it plain

♪ A stupid foreman has got no brain... ♪

All right, then, I believe you. Keep up the good work.

Nice tunes, by the way, guys!

♪ Sorry, but to tell it plain

♪ The stupid foreman's go-o-ot no brain... ♪

I'M the foreman!

Where's everybody gone?!

That's right -

Harriet Tubman really did use coded gospel songs to help slaves escape.

Radical.

And this music led to blues,

which led to jazz and eventually to the pop music you listen to today.

Far out, man.

But not all music is quite so groovy to listen to.

Hi, and welcome back to the Dead Lounge, where we are joined by one

of the 20th century's most famous composers, it's John Cage Jr.

So, John, what are you going to be performing for us today?

Well, I'll be performing my most famous piece, 4'33".

If you know it, join in.

OK - ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Cage Jr.

TOTAL SILENCE

Whenever you're ready.

Sorry, John, we are live, so... if you could just get started.

We HAD started.

Right... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

And again. From the top.

You're not playing anything, are you, though, John?

Exactly. 4'33" is just silence.

It's absolutely no music?

It IS music. Because... EVERYTHING is music,

INCLUDING silence.

All right.

Sorry, how long is this, John?

It's called 4'33" - you know, how long do you think it is?

Four and a half minutes?

It's going to be four and a half hours at this rate.

I mean, you don't need the whole orchestra, do you?

I am here trying to play my music,

my...my silent music, and you do not UNDERSTAND music.

The sound of my baton, that is music. You are just a button pusher!

What's that, John?

Can't hear you, John. It's just silence, isn't it?

INAUDIBLE

Ooh.

'Next to audition,

'all the way from Italy...

'is Gioachino Rossini!'

OK. So you're Rossini, and you're going to play us...

The Overture from The Thieving Magpie.

Before I begin, can I say how wonderful you're looking today?

Oh, thank you, darling!

Sorry, what's going on? Are you writing this now?

OK, I admit it, I've not written it yet. I hate writing overtures,

I always leave it to the last minute. Give me one second.

If I could move my face,

I'd be frowning. Not happy.

Rossini, I love it. You're an absolute star.

If he likes it, I'm definitely out.

From me, it's a

♪ no-o-o-o-oo-oo-oo!

Wait, wait, wait. What about this?

HE SINGS THE "WILLIAM TELL" OVERTURE

Stop it... Rossini Style!

Whoop, whoop...

Rossini, you're embarrassing yourself.

HE CONTINUES SINGING TO HIMSELF

Ooh!

No - we are not calling ourselves Little Mice.

We...are One Di—Rat-tion. TWANG!

And, no, this isn't my latest dance -

Marcus my pet flea has escaped, and he's particularly bitey today.

Mind you, these dance moves would look pretty good

on rock and roll superstar Elvis Presley.

Back in 1950s America, when he appeared on TV,

his dancing was considered dangerous!

Oooh! Aagh! Oooh!

CLANG Rattus has left the building!

Well, uh, thank you very much

for having me back on The Ed Sullivan Show, sir.

It's our pleasure, Elvis,

we're huge fans of this new ready to roll music of yours.

It's called rock and roll. It's very popular with the teenagers.

We just love your music -

just a few folks ain't so keen on the dancing.

What do they say about it, sir?

Well, it's not so much the saying, more the, um...

the protestin',

and the burnin' of effigies of you

in St Louis and Nashville. Uh-huh.

But if you tone it down a touch, we're there.

Whatever you say, sir.

Let's just take a little peeky-boo at the performance,

and we'll see what we're going to record.

In three, two, one...

♪ Well, since my baby left me... ♪

Ohhh!

Whoa-hoa...! What was that?

What, this?

Ohhh...

Listen, young man, you...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I told you to tone it down, snake hips!

Women and children watch this show.

Well, uh...that's my thing.

Ohhh...

Tell you what - Derek, just shoot him from the waist up.

I'm not going to be responsible

for the disintegration of civilisation. Rehearse,

three, two, one.

♪ ..baby left me...

Ohhh! Whoa,

those arms are indecent.

Indecent arms.

Just let's... Derek, just get the head...

Even you can't do anything with just your face.

Well, I guess not, sir. OK, well...we'll go with that.

Wait, does this count? Uh-huh-huh...

Whoa! THUD

Hey, and welcome back to the Dead Lounge -

the home, hopefully, at some point, of some of history's finest music.

Now, I'm joined in the studio by our next act.

He was a sensation in the '60s -

ladies and gentlemen,

the one and only Jimi Hendrix.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Hi, Jimi. Now, your guitar playing is legendary,

and I hear you caused a real sensation

at the Monterey Festival in '67.

Yeah, yeah. Them cats are really into it.

You want us to do what we did back at the Monterey? Yes, I do.

Yes, I sure as darn it do. HE LAUGHS

Take it away, Jimi Hendrix.

HE PLAYS A COOL RIFF

Jimi's playing is so hot,

it's like I can actually smell the burning.

SIZZLING I can smell burning.

Is that his guitar on fire?! Is that his guitar on fire?

Fire! Everyone out, get out, get out.

What kind of rock star doesn't follow

basic health and safety procedures?

OK...

I have a new piece -

Nine Minutes Six Seconds.

'It's time...for the last composer of the day!'

So, who are you, darling?

I'm, er... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

SNIFFLING: ..Henry Purcell.

I'm sorry. Are you OK?

I haven't seen someone looking this bad

since I saw Louis without make-up.

PURCELL COUGHS

I came home late from the pub last night and, erm...

my wife locked me out.

Well done, missus!

Right.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

UPBEAT ELECTRONIC RHYTHM Erm...

Sorry, it's just, I'm used to playing a rather...

a rather different one.

How about...this?

STEADY BACKING BEAT Ah. There you go.

MUSIC: Trumpet Tune and Air by Purcell

OK, stop there...

I like it. It's a yes from me.

I thought it was FABULOUS, darling, it's yes from me.

♪ Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es # from me-e-e.

Purcell, I love it. You're an absolute star.

So - that's three yeses and one idiot.

Henry Purcell, you're through to the next round.

HE SPLUTTERS

Talented, AND dead. Kerching.

Purcell really did die of a cold

after being locked out of the house by his wife.

Nice beat, though! I might use that for my first solo track.

Yeah, I decided to quit the band and go it alone,

with my new stage name, Ed Shee-Rat! Yeah.

From the Neanderthals to the present day,

people have always wanted great music.

Which is a shame, because my music stinks.

No - I'm no Queen Cleopatra of Egypt.

She could sing, dance

AND play the lyre.

Now, then. Where's that beat?

♪ Uhh, uhh, aah

♪ A voice, a beat, a melody How music began

♪ I play this very nicely. Lyre... # Really - I can

♪ A harp, a flute And this is really funky

♪ Before that came the Swedish horn It's cold as a brass monkey!

♪ 700 BC Greek song contests, we're told

♪ In Chalcis, each tune is judged Is Simon Cowell that old?

♪ We Greeks invent the organ, and we're musical, Greased Lightnin'!

♪ And Celts, the horn of war

♪ That sounds pretty frightening

♪ Music, music, music # Where did it all come from?

♪ Music, music, music # We just love to sing along

♪ Music, music, music # Creativity at its best

♪ Music, music, music # I wonder what came next

♪ Gregorian chanting introduces monk rock

♪ Adding harmonies entertains the church flock

♪ Then came troubadours, of course

♪ Play the sackbutt, if you've patience

♪ Apart from banning women, it's a musical renaissance

♪ Vivaldi, Bach and Handel, new music causes shock

♪ Can YOU handle these changes? Are you ready to baroque?

♪ Forget what has gone before

♪ We call that Jurassic

♪ Listen to our symphonies

♪ Each one is a classic

♪ Opera! Popular!

♪ Romantic, not elitist

♪ Mahler, Verdi, Wagner

♪ That is not a bad list

♪ So the story told so far, music's mostly fun

♪ But oh so many ch-ch-ch-ch-changes gonna come

♪ Mass-produced pianos really strike a chord

'# What's that on the phonograph? It's a record'

♪ Immigrants to the US bring their music heart and soul

♪ Afro, Jews plus jazz and blues equals rock and roll!

♪ My singing changes everything, uh-huh-huh

♪ It's all shook up

♪ The USA...

♪ Led the way...

♪ Until we turned up Oooh!

♪ Pop music explodes

♪ Too many styles to mention

♪ Rock, dance, rap and R&B

♪ Now there's only one direction

♪ Whatever has been

♪ Whatever may appear

♪ Every piece of music

♪ Finds its way

♪ Back

♪ Uhh... Here!

♪ ..uhh, aah

♪ Uhh, uhh. ♪

It's another hit!

LAUGHTER

Och, it's never... INDISTINCT

Generic Scottish sayings.

LAUGHTER

♪ The past is no longer a mystery

♪ Hope you enjoyed

♪ Horrible Histories! ♪