Original subtitles

Oh!

Hi, kids. I'm an unlicensed hologram of LeVar Burton.

I didn't see you beam in because I had my sleep mask on.

Today, we're going to learn about the wonders of books,

and all the fun adventures you can have

watching TV shows based on them.

So, throw another book on the fire

and settle in for the Mystery of the Missing Mass.

I lost my thimble!

This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew, girl detective!

I'll look for clues.

Don't look for clues! Look for the damn thimble!

No clue can hide from my trusty flashlight!

It's daytime, you big stupid.

Lancy, leave Granny alone. You know she's got severe dementia!

Now my chair's gone!

You never had a chair.

What's up, Dad? Trouble with one of your legal cases?

I'm afraid so.

The bank is going to foreclose on poor Farmer Pete's luxury office tower

if he can't produce the property deed by 5:00 p.m.

And you lost the deed because you were drunk?

I didn't lose it.

I carefully hid it along with my emergency vodka

in the old grandfather clock.

The clock's gone! Someone stole it!

This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew, girl detective.

I'm countin' on ya, Lancy.

You've got to find that clock by 5:00 p.m.

What time is it now?

I don't know! The clock was stolen!

It's my most difficult case ever.

How can I look for clues before 5:00 p.m.?

What's up, Lancy? Wanna play catch?

Hi, Andi.

Guys, have you met my tomboyish friend Andi?

Why can't ya just call me your friend Andi?

Andi's on the boys' baseball team.

It's just called "the baseball team."

Because you're on it.

Before that, it was called "the boys' baseball team."

So she's the boy who took my spot.

Jeepers.

Whoa, you've got a great curveball, Andi.

I mean for a girl... I mean tomboy.

Why don't you just say I've got a great curveball?

Why do you have to qualify it like that?

I don't know. 'Cause I'm insecure?

Yo, where'd the ball go?

It's gone! Someone stole it!

This sounds like a job for Lancy Trew.

And her tomboyish sidekick.

We better split up. I'll go search the old abandoned cave.

I'll just... I'll handle this immediate area right around here.

Nothing but clues from my last three cases,

and no sign of the clock.

Man, Lancy's been gone a long...

...time.

This sounds like a job for...

The Smardy Boys!

We'll start by searching everywhere, in every imaginable place.

Right. But we'll need an automo-car.

Howdy, friends. Need a lift in my jalopy?

Hey, it's our portly pal, Chud.

Why can't you just call me your pal Chud?

You somehow feel obligated to comment on my weight?

I call him Chubbo.

Chud, this is Lancy's tomboyish friend, Andi.

Why?

- Mind if I change the station? - Yes.

I wasn't talkin' to you.

This just in.

A wave of robberies has struck Outskirt Village.

Police are advising local teenagers to solve the crime

as quickly as possible.

Step on it, Chubbo!

I mean, if your jalopy can even go uphill with you in it.

Ugh! That's it. I can't go on living. I'm driving off the cliff!

And here we are at Lancy's house.

I must have made a wrong turn at the cliff.

This whole crime wave started with that missing clock.

That's the key to solving this mystery book.

It is? Why would you think that?

It's called a "hunch," Chud.

You sidekicks wouldn't understand.

The clock was over here,

between these Ming vases.

The vases are gone!

- And my gun is missing. - My baseball mitt's gone, too.

Chud, did you eat Andi's mitt?

Yes, but not the other stuff.

Shploikees, the whole house is gone!

The entire town of Outskirt Village has been stolen.

Wait, I found the clock.

Then the criminal has only one place left to hide:

inside that clock.

Let's see who the real culprit is.

What the hell is that?

Allow me to explain.

It's Tom Snift, the boy inventor.

Why can't you just call me the inventor?

This object is known as a gravitational black hole.

Anything that falls in can never escape,

not even light itself.

Help!

I hear Lancy!

A little sound can get out, but that's it.

Hurry, we can still save my emergency vodka!

And my daughter.

As the heroes, Biff and I will jump in and rescue those things.

You don't understand,

the gravitational forces will shred you like...

There goes young Tom Snift.

Off on another adventure.

Chud, Andi, you pull us out with the jalopy,

so we can get all the credit.

You got it, Smardy Boys.

You can count on your bitter, degraded sidekicks.

Enjoy the hole!

Well, kids, I hope you enjoyed watching that book as much as I did.

Here's another one I've been looking forward to because it's so short.

Bonjour, mes amis.

I convey the morning deliveries.

Bonjour, young FryFry.

I hope today is the day.

Ah, something for Captain de L'eela.

It's my medicine for my ailment.

Ah, oui, alcoholism.

Is there nothing for me? I've been waiting so many years.

Alas, perhaps tomorrow.

No wait!

I overlooked this letter for Professor Algebra,

from Argentina.

L'Argentine?

Oh, and it's perfumed.

Who is sended it?

The most beautiful songbird I ever laid eyes on.

Love was in the air, but so was war and bridges.

She fled to South America,

the victim of unspeakable war crimes.

Or perhaps perpetrator, I could never get a straight answer.

She became the most famous opera singer in Argentina.

"The Warbler of Buenos Aires," they called her.

We carried on a transatlantic romance for decades,

or at least I did.

And finally, I asked for her hand in matrimony.

What she saided?

Good news, tout le monde!

Captain de L'eela, prepare the aeroship!

Whoa!

We'll refuel in Zurich,

Zaragoza, and Zanzibar.

Then take on provisions in Zaire.

Monsieur, must you deface my finest globe?

One baobab fruit, please.

Do you accept Belgian waffles?

Huh?

Qu'est-ce que c'est, Zoidy?

That is the golden crank of Khartoum.

Yes, most powerful it is.

They say it can crank anything.

I'll take it!

Is all my money enough, or do you want this thing too?

There's nowhere to land during the long ocean crossing.

I just pray my magic marker holds out.

Also, how's our fuel supply?

Delicious.

Great work, Captain de L'eela, you stuck the landing.

Presenting the Gray Warbler of Buenos Aires.

My love, you're even more gray and warbly

than I remember.

Who the hell are you?

Your fiancé, Professor Algebra.

Algebra?

Oh, for the sake of Pete, I addressed it to the wrong professor.

I'm engaged to Dr. Geology now.

Tough break, old man.

Geology!

Sorry for the confusion.

You may stay for my concert and a light meat supper.

Then, scramolio!

I love it when you speak European.

He will feel the wrath of Algebra.

Strange. Both professors missed the opera.

Zoidy, no! You stupid lemming!

You found a bone? But where?

Professor Geology! Are you okay?

Where in butt's ass is my fiancé?

I'm afraid he is dead.

I find that rather hard to believe.

I can prove it, smarty pants.

My heavens!

It's a priceless fossil dating to geologic antiquity.

You're a priceless fossil dating to geologic antiquity!

My hat must have blown onto it by chance,

making me its official discoverer.

He doesn't love you like me.

He's just here because some valuable specimen

happens to be on your property.

And he's already sold off half of it.

You fiancée-stealing bone thief!

I'm calling the authorities!

Hola, carnitasbags.

We are the Gemelos twins,

chief detectives of the Argentinian National Police!

I'm seeing double!

This man is a thief, Officers.

That's enough evidence for the Argentinian National Police.

Lock him up, boys.

Now, hold on!

I may have stolen the warbler's heart, but not the missing bones.

Either way, you'll die in prison.

Wait, I have an idea.

Mon Dieu, la golden crank of Khartoum.

Mais oui.

I shall rewind the Earth backwards in time.

Then we shall see who came here to steal the bones.

That'll never work.

It's working!

One hour ago, two hours ago,

12, 36...

How strange.

No one's been here for days, weeks, millennia.

Ten million years, one hundred million...

What the fromage is that?

Africa, of course.

What?

Must I explain everything? Give me that globe!

You see, hundreds of millions of years ago,

there was only a single land mass known as Pangaea.

But when the continents drifted apart,

Africa separated from South America.

I shall call it the Theory of Plate Tectonics!

Wind the continents a smidge closer, FryFry.

Behold, the missing half skeleton!

My word, you're right.

The fossil and the fiancée are yours.

You may rewind now, FryFry.

Ahhh! Other way! Other way!

D'oops, hang on!

Well, that solves the mystery of the missing bones!

What do you say, my petite warbler? Shall we give it another go?

Which one are you again?

I don't remember.

Whatever. Who cares?

Let's go home.

And they all lived happily ever after,

except that guy who died.

All right, kids, I saved the best for last.

Wait, I read them out of order.

Anyway...

I do believe someone stole my bike.

Here's your bike back.

That solves the mystery of the missing bike.

I've got another mystery that needs solving.

Which one of you is Wikipedia Brown, the boy detective?

That's me, lady. Gimme 25 cents!

And I'm his bodyguard, Lolly. I like to punch people.

I had just cooked up a fresh batch of salt water taffy,

so I put it on the whatchacallit sill to cool.

Next thing I knew, half of it was gone!

Hmm. This is a serious crime.

It is?

I've got a pretty good idea who did it.

Claws Pinchy and his gang of mischief-makers

have been hangin' around my window sill lookin' whatchacallit, hungry.

And now they're at your house. Look!

Don't tell me how to do my job.

- Hey. - Yo.

- Ya, 'mon. - Yup.

I have solved the mystery of the missing taffy,

and it's not who you think!

At first, I suspected Claws Pinchy

'cause of his leather jacket and poor academic performance.

But then, I found this clue!

And that's when my prejudices were confirmed.

That could be anyone's claw.

- Show me your claw. - You mean this claw?

No, the other claw.

Drat!

But, boss, ain't you got an alibi?

Uh, yeah, I was building a snowman

on the surface of the Sun

with my girlfriend.

The girlfriend part doesn't ring true! Arrest him, Lolly!

I can't arrest him. I'm just a kid. The best I can do is punch him.

Now hold on, little lady.

Let me arrest him.

I'm Wikipedia's father, and also the Chief of Police.

Can I still punch him?

If you don't, I will.

What's for dinner, Mom?

Boiled TV dinner.

Yum.

How was work today, Copper?

I mean, dear?

Smooth, baby.

I sent three perps to the electric chair.

Two murderers and one unlicensed hotdog vendor.

Neat!

But there was one crime I just couldn't solve.

Why not?

'Cause I just didn't give a damn.

Maybe I could solve it and save the day.

Tell me about the clues.

Here's what we know.

We've had a series of complaints from unsuspecting townspeople.

I'll be complaining about this.

They open their doors, only to observe the most shocking sight imaginable.

A flaming bag of dog doo.

It's like these bags are appearin' out of nowhere, ya dig?

I'm gonna figure out where the flaming poo came from.

Anything can be solved if ya find the clues.

I'll get it!

Found one!

Where were you Friday at 2:00 p.m.?

In your garage talkin' to you, you idiot.

That checks out.

Alls I know is, I was loiterin' in an alley with the other local toughs,

smokin' a lollipop.

I'm a kid with a magnifying glass.

- Got any clues I can magnify? - Indeed.

I saved the slipper I used to stomp the doo.

Ugh! What else you got?

Case closed, folks!

I pretended to look for clues,

but we all know it was Claws Pinchy!

I'm afraid he's got the ultimate alibi, son.

He went to the chair for that taffy caper.

That's the way to go, sittin' down.

What a strange case.

I've never found so many clues before.

Ah, yeah. That's some mass-murderer level stuff.

So, did you solve the mystery?

I... No!

It all adds up to nothing!

I thought I could solve anything,

but we will never, ever know where the flaming doo-doo came from!

I know where it came from.

Neil deGrasse Tyson?

May I borrow your magnifying glass?

Hell no!

I don't know you! I'm not lendin' you my magnifying glass!

That's okay. I brought an electron microscope.

Take a closer look at this soiled bag from your wall of clues.

No, thanks.

I said, "look." What's it made of?

- Paper? - Poop?

A combination thereof?

It's made entirely of matter,

and that's the clue I needed to solve the mystery.

But how did it end up on my doorstep?

Yeah, where'd it come from?

You see, approximately 13.8 billion years ago,

all matter was created in the Big Bang.

So that's where it came from.

The Big Bang.

Of course! It was so obvious!

Oh!

But wait a minute.

Where were you when the Big Bang happened?

Me? I...

It was the Big Bang guy! Get him!

Gotta go!

Hang on, let me get the door.

Neil deGrasse Tyson?

Yeah. Listen, you got a place I can hide where no one ever goes?

Sure, right over here.

Well, that's all for today, kids.

And remember, in space, no one can hear you read.