Original subtitles

Hey, Julie?

Oh, hey.

Happy Christmas, Len.

Oh.

I'm sorry, we couldn't afford Christmas cards this year.

Oh, thanks, love.

At least we get our bonus today. Ooh!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

The Dry White Toilet Tissue Company

want to say thank you for all your hard work this year.

So, as a token of our appreciation,

we'd like to give you a dozen of our finest bog rolls.

Merry Christmas.

I can't even afford to buy a present for my son.

Do you want them or not?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, keep your chin up, Len.

Things will get better.

Well, they can't get any worse.

THEY LAUGH

Erm...

Happy Christmas.

And to you.

Ooh.

Hiya.

Christmas might not be that fancy schmancy this year, son.

Don't worry, Dad. Come on. I'll put the kettle on.

See you later, boys. See you, lads.

Oh!

Thanks, Joe.

It's last year's.

I got it for a pound.

Sorry, Dad. Don't be.

Hey, I love it.

Here...

Happy Christmas, Joe.

Thanks.

I made it for you.

Yeah, I can see.

Best put Christmas dinner on.

HE SOBS

I'll get you a proper present next year, Joe, I promise.

I don't know where I'll find the money from but I promise.

Dry on one side...

..moist on the other.

Absorbent

and refreshing.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

This is the future of bum wiping.

I've invented a new bog roll!

What? Yes!

Moist on one side,

dry on the other.

That's brilliant, Dad.

I know! Your dad's a genius.

All I need now is to come up with a name for it.

Er...

..Wet Bottom?

No.

Happy Cheeks?

Bumfresh?

Bumfresh! I love it.

This is going to be the biggest thing to hit the toilet roll world

since aloe vera!

Don't worry, son,

next year we'll have a proper Christmas.

Next year, things will be different.

'In what can only be described as an overnight sensation,'

Bumfresh has outperformed all other competitors.

They're calling it the biggest British invasion

since One Direction.

Bumfresh... SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Bumfresh... SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

We've got cooks, gamekeeper, gardener, maids, groom -

in case we get an horse, to name but a few.

Now, I've not got us any old butler, I've got us a celebrity

and I know how much you love Harry Potter, so guess who I've hired?

Harry? No. Dumbledore? No. Voldemort? Oh, no. Draco?

Can I stop you there? There's lots of characters in them films,

so I've made Warwick Davis an offer his bank manager couldn't refuse.

Brilliant!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Oh, hello.

You were Filius Flitwick and Griphook.

I was also an ewok in Star Wars.

Let's just keep it to Harry Potter, shall we?

I've got you every video game you've ever wanted.

100 pair of trainers, your own go-kart track,

a 24-hour doughnut dispenser, table football.

What's that? That's a water slide into the swimming pool.

Wow!

Hang on, you might want to put your...

..trunks on first.

Woohoo!

Good day at school, Master Spud?

It was awful.

Your father won't be happy.

St Cuthbert's is the most expensive school in the country.

I just don't fit in there.

Why not?

They look down on me, they call me names.

Do they? Like what?

Bottom Billionaire,

Master Plop Paper,

Bum Wipe Boy...

Well, children can be cruel.

That were the teachers.

'I wish I could just go to a normal school.'

Leave it with me, young Master Spud.

Oh, and I believe congratulations are in order. Happy birthday.

I'm glad someone remembered.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, son.

Have you forgotten something?

No. I still remember we're rich.

Dad, it's my birthday today.

Yes! Yes, I knew that, that is why I was going to surprise you.

Happy birthday, son.

One million pounds?

Yeah. That way you can buy yourself whatever you like.

There's nothing left to buy.

Ah, but if I know you, you'll think of something.

Are we doing anything special tonight?

Why?

For my birthday.

Oh, I'd love to but I've got an appointment.

Really?

Well, actually it's a date.

A date date? With a lady?

Yes, yes, with a lady. A very beautiful lady.

Sapphire Diamond and...

Ooh, she'll be here in a minute.

What does she do?

Oh, well, she's a model, of course.

I only date models now

and Sapphire's a supermodel.

Hey, do you want to see one of her adverts?

DOORBELL RINGS

'Bog Blitz kills all known germs dead

'and leaves your toilet smelling strongly of bleach.

'Bog Blitz.'

You didn't even see her face.

When I say supermodel, I mean hand model, SUPER hand model.

You have to admit, they're absolutely knockout.

A Miss Sapphire Diamond, sir.

Is he real?

Yes.

Sapphire, my angel, how lovely to see you again.

All right?

Urgh...right!

I see you got the designer bag

I bought you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Cheers, you know, and all that, that stuff.

Ken?

Len.

I just seen that they do these in eight different colours,

one for every day of the week.

My sweet princess, I shall get you all the others.

Oh, no, no, no! You mustn't. OK, I won't, then.

No, if you insist - yeah.

What's that?

Ah! This is my son.

Joe, he's 12 today.

Ooh! People will think I'm his sister.

Well, how old are you?

I'm 25.

Really?

Yeah, it says so on my Wikipedia page.

Remind me to have a Google.

Yeah, I will.

So where you taking us tonight, babes?

Somewhere swish for a spot of dinner.

Do you like caviar?

SHE LAUGHS

No.

Then I thought we'd go for a little bop down the disco.

SHE LAUGHS

No-one calls 'em discos any more.

What they called, then? Nightclubs. Get with the beat, Grandad.

All right, then, Den.

Len. If you like.

Mm, help us up.

HE GRUNTS

Madam?

Oops. Er, may I trouble you to sign this, sir?

Er, what is it?

Oh, just some triviality concerning young Master Spud's schooling.

Thank you, sir.

Shall we take the car or the helicopter?

I'm not sure about that Sapphire.

Oh, give it time.

Now, you might have to give it quite a lot of time

but there is some good news.

Look!

Your wish has come true, you are going to the local comp.

You're the best!

I know, but thank you.

..43...

Can we do this later?

Joe? What happened to your school uniform?

I'm wearing it.

I mean, your Tudor one.

Oh, it's "wear what you like" day today.

And you're going as...?

A boy from local comp. Harrison Farquhar thought it'd be jokes.

Er, your parcel.

Oh! At last! This'll go with me new teeth.

Do you think it makes me look younger?

It looks like a dead gerbil.

HE SNIGGERS

What do you think?

Er, do you want my honest opinion, sir?

Not really.

Then it's a thing of wonder.

Thanks!

Oh, now, you don't want to be late for school, Master Spud.

Come here, son!

Almost forgot.

There's your lunch money.

See you later, Dad. See ya.

Oi, posho!

Lend us a tenner.

You may not wish them to know that you're a billionaire.

You're right. Turn in here.

Do you have another bag?

Er...

just this plastic one, cost me five pence, but you can have it.

Thanks.

Do you think things will be better at my new school?

It will go wonderfully.

Yeah, my big chance.

I'm going to make new friends, it's going to be great. Thanks for this.

Morning, Headmaster.

Yes, yes, good morning, now, please, leave me alone.

Sir? No, no, don't hurt me.

I wasn't going to. Well, what is it?

I'm just trying to get to my office, can I just get to my office, please?

I just wondered whether I could come and see you later about something.

I'd really rather you didn't. Thank you so much.

Did you see that Rolls?

Yeah. There was a chauffeur and everything.

I know.

I wonder what spoilt brat were in the back.

THEY LAUGH

You're new.

That's right, I'm Joe.

I've just moved into the area, into an average-sized house.

I'm Gail Grubb, and this is my twin brother, George Grubb.

In case you're wondering, we're the school bullies.

As it's your first day,

we'll be putting you in the bin to start with.

What?!

If you have any complaints, you can write to our mum at this address.

Why do you have to bully me?

We're not really good at anything else.

But we're VERY good at this.

Now, come on, let's get this over and done with.

Hello?

Hello? Can anybody hear me?

KNOCKING

I'm in this bin.

KNOCKING

Can anyone...

What on earth are you doing in there?

I fell.

HUM OF CHATTER

Um!

CHATTER STOPS

Thank you.

This is Joseph Spud,

he's new and this is the last time he'll ever be late for registration.

It doesn't need discussion.

Now, we're going to start the day with a little La Boheme by Puccini.

Not opera again, miss.

Listening to classical music is good for the brain, Gavin,

which in your case needs all the help it can get.

LAUGHTER

Why you still standing, Spud? Sit, sit, sit!

Grubbs put you in the bin, did they?

Upside down or the right way up?

Right way up.

They must've liked you.

I'm Bob. Joe.

Silence!

Now, Madeline has got another one of her charity appeals.

What is it this time, Madeline?

Save the jellyfish? Hearing aids for dogs?

Equal rights for hamsters?

I'm raising money to build a school in Africa, miss.

Oh.

Lots of kids there never get the chance to go to school.

Lucky them.

LAUGHTER

It doesn't need discussion.

So, please, give what you can.

I'm not giving anything.

Me dad says they'll just spend it on scratchcards.

Do you organise all of this?

Yeah, on my own.

How much does it cost to build a school in Africa, then?

About £100,000.

That's not much.

Shame, I'm skint.

Give it here.

Well, that was another waste of time, wasn't it, young lady?

Barely enough to buy a pencil sharpener.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

How do I look?

There are no words.

DOORBELL RINGS

Your lunch guest, sir.

Cocktails?

What's that thing on your head?

Do you not like it, my sweet?

Is that for me?

Yes.

Oh, then, I love it. Thanks.

There you go, then.

No, no, no, I can't accept that.

Well, if you'd rather not.

No, if yous insist.

Real diamonds?

Of course.

Oh, thanks, Ben.

It's Len.

Is it? Oh, these are...beautiful!

Oh, come here.

Is there a gift receipt?

Yes, it's, er, it's in the bag.

Yeah, you know, just in case they don't fit, like.

They're earrings.

I know, but I've got very small ears.

So, with this gift receipt, will they give us

the cash or will I have to buy something else from the same shop?

Either.

Great. Right, what's for lunch, cos I can't stay long?

The finest fine de claire oysters, madam.

Oh, just get us a bag of crisps.

Yeah, me an' all.

I'll ask Chef to prepare a multipack.

It's best to stick to the basics.

That's Mrs Trafe, worst cook in the world.

And any parallel worlds.

Hello, boys, do you want to know about me specials today?

Not really.

For starter, I done me chilled pilchard soup, the pie today

is kidney and custard, and for pud, I done me raw onion mousse.

No, thanks.

Spam smoothie?

Just an apple, please, Mrs Trafe.

Same here, Mrs Trafe.

Oh, suit yourself.

She can't ruin those.

There you are, two nice, fresh, juicy apples.

How are your crisps?

Oh...a bit dry.

Would you like some champagne to wash them down with?

No.

But I'll take a bottle home with us, though.

So, er...

..how much is a gaffe like this worth, then?

20 million.

How much is a half of that?

10 million.

Interesting.

You should've started here tomorrow.

Why?

It's cross-country run today. Three miles of hell.

I hope you're sporty.

No, I hate sport, I'm rubbish at it.

Me too, I come last every year.

It's horrible,

all the other kids wait at the finish line to laugh at you.

Oh, no.

How's the modelling going?

Oh, yeah, it's busy, busy, busy.

Mm, these bad boys have been really in demand lately.

I'll bet.

Yeah, I've been on the go all week, shooting my commercials.

I've held a Cornish pasty, a hearing aid and some athlete foot powder.

Were your feet in the athlete's foot advert?

No, they said my feet were too manky.

Glamorous work, though.

Oh, yeah.

I tell you what, though, Gwen.

Len.

I would consider giving up my glittering international career

if the right bloke came along...

like.

Bob? What if I gave you a fiver to come last?

No way. A tenner?

Nah. 20?

There's nothing you can say... 50 quid.

You ain't got 50 quid.

You can do it, Bob!

THEY CHEER

Last again, boy.

Sorry, sir.

Don't worry, we can do extra training,

every morning, before school.

Thanks.

Look, Joe, I feel bad, I can't keep your birthday money.

No, really, you earned it.

I can't take it. What does your dad do?

He works in toilet paper.

Then he must've saved for ages to give you that.

Here, take it.

My mum used to work in a toilet paper factory but she was laid off.

What does she do now?

Cleaner and about six other jobs to try and make ends meet.

Then you keep it.

I can't.

But there is one thing you could get me, for coming last for ya.

Anything.

Some chocolate, I love chocolate.

Me too.

Come on.

Maybe not here.

SHOP BELL JANGLES

A-ha, my very most valued customer.

And welcome...other child.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello, Raj, if your name is Raj, because I don't know you, do I?

From my luxury selection, a Double Double Decker, Minted Aero,

or, or, or an Income Boost.

No, thank you.

Oh...

I don't want my new friend to know that I'm rich,

it'll ruin everything.

Ah, I get the picture.

Is this OK?

Sure, just this please, sir.

No problem, boys, just two ordinary boys,

neither of who is a billionaire.

CASH TILL RINGS

By the way, I love the brand-new Bumfresh minty flavour,

it's cool and refreshing on my bottom. I just wipe and go.

Why is he talking about his bum?

No idea. Just smile and wave.

MUSIC: You're My Best Friend by Queen

# Ooh, you make me live

# Whatever this world can give to me... #

BAGS POP

Ah!

# It's you, you're all I see

# Ooh, you make me live now, honey

# Ooh, you make me live

# Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had

# I've been with you such a long time

# You're my sunshine and I want you to know

# That my feelings are true

# I really love you

# Oh, you're my best friend

# Ooh, you make me live

# Ooh, I've been wandering round

# But I still come back to you

# Ooh, you make me live

# Whenever this world is cruel to me

# I got you to help me forgive... #

HE SIGHS

It's a shame Sapphire had to go.

Well, such is the life of a supermodel.

Those pork pies won't sell themselves.

So, what do you think of her?

Is it an honest answer you're looking for, sir?

Again, not really, no.

Then, I think Miss Sapphire is an utter delight.

Oh, do you know, I think I might propose to her.

HE CLEARS THROAT

I thought the day would never come.

Look, Bob, there's something I should tell you.

When I said my dad worked in toilet paper...

Oi! Give us that chocolate.

I've only got a tiny piece left.

Bob, if you don't give us it, we're going to give you a bog wash.

Actually, let's take the chocolate and still give 'em the bog wash.

There's no point giving it to you, then.

Run!

Oh, no.

You run that way, I'll run this way.

Oh, er, hi, Mum.

Oh, hi, how's it going with your new friend?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Invite him round for tea if you like. Er, maybe!

Got ya.

Look, couldn't we do a deal?

A deal?

OPERA PLAYING

Do you really like opera, then, miss?

I love it, Izzy.

My dream is to go and see one at the Royal Opera House one day.

Why don't you, then?

On a teacher's measly salary? I hardly think so.

Homework, please, Maddie?

Sorry, miss, I left mine at home.

I did it, I swear.

Litter duty. But, miss, I'm not lying,

I could get someone to bring it in.

You've got one hour to get it to me. Now, medieval torture.

You'd know all about that.

Be relieved I didn't hear that, Joe.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Oh, no.

Wait.

What's going on?

Er...

WHIRRING

Oh, no!

That's crazy!

Yeah.

Hi, everybody, are you all right?

My name is Len Spud and I am the Bumfresh billionaire.

Right! Who wants free bog roll? New minty flavour!

THEY CHEER

Go on, you there?

Who's going to get lucky?

Is it you? Here you go.

Please, Dad, no.

That's your dad?

Excuse me, excuse me. Ah, there you are.

There is your homework.

Now, my son is a bit short on friends,

so you're all more than welcome to come over to the mansion any time!

Dad! Oh.

Your lunch money. I'll pick you up at four.

I'll walk.

Bye, everybody! And don't forget, wipe and go with Bumfresh.

See ya!

You're five seconds late. Litter duty.

You must be kidding me.

A week's litter duty.

That's not fair.

One month's litter duty.

Or do you want me to treat you differently

because your father's a billionaire?

No, I don't want that.

Well, then, you'd better get started -

that helicopter of his has made a frightful mess.

EXCITED CHATTER

Billionaire Boy, my bike's broke, will you buy me a new one?

Could you buy my nan a bungalow, in Florida?

Hit me, then I can sue you for a million.

Hit me and I'll settle for half a million.

Buy me a packet of crisps.

Leave him alone!

You should be ashamed of yourselves, shoo, shoo!

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, not poor, but you get my gist.

Yeah, get out of it.

I mean, just because your dad is obscenely rich, you don't want

people begging.

Here, have a toffee Brussels sprout.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Now, Joe, I want you to know, whatever happens,

I'm always here for you, all right?

Thanks.

Now, I just need 30 grand for my hip operation.

HE SIGHS

You missed a bit.

Why did you lie to me?

I dunno, I thought you'd treat me differently.

The Grubbs just asked me if I wanted to go round to theirs after

school to play Hungry Hippos. Did you pay them to be friends with me?

I was just trying to help.

A real friend wouldn't lie to me.

I'm sorry.

You missed another bit.

Litter duty?!

I did not singlehandedly revolutionise the toilet paper world

to have my son do litter duty.

It's me teacher, Miss Sharpe, she's really horrible.

Could you have her killed?

Bit much, that.

Oh. I'll sort it out.

Please don't embarrass me

like you did today with your stupid helicopter.

Don't worry, I'll think of something.

So, anyways, it's my birthday in just under a year, Sven.

Len. Whatevs!

As the young people say... because I'm 25.

And before you say another word, I do not need a present.

No? I forbid it.

I must. You must not.

I want to. No, non, nein.

OK, then. I've made a little list.

Thank you.

"Designer gear.

"A massive, like, really big yacht.

"A holiday home in Marbs with its own..." Jack, jacksie?

No, Jacuzzi, oh, just, just give it here, give it here.

Right, a bucket of diamonds, some money, a Bentley Controversial.

I think you mean a Bentley convertible.

It's the same thing. A tiara, some more money

and a 12-pack of Faberge eggs.

Anything for you, my little bird of paradise.

Dad, you're not really going to buy her all that stuff, are you?

Why ever not, son?

Yeah, why not, brat?

Because it's obvious you only like my dad for his money.

Oh!

How dare you?!

Go to your rooms.

SAPPHIRE SOBS AND STUTTERS

I'm so sorry, Sapphire, I just don't know what to do with him.

Orphanage?

It's about my boy, Joe.

Now, there is one tiny little thing that you could change to

make him happier here at school.

Well, I have to run the school for everyone, I can't give anyone

special treatment, however immensely wealthy they might be.

# I'm in love with my car... #

GEARS CRUNCH

TYRES SQUEAL

GEARS CRUNCH

How dare you sack me? I gave this school everything, everything!

Just keep it down, Miss Sharpe.

Ding dong, the witch is dead!

THEY CHEER

Miss Sharpe was a good teacher, she didn't deserve that.

We've got to do something.

Sacked, on the spot.

Oh, she was a good teacher.

Firm but fair.

And she loved her pupils more than they knew.

Though, she was once very hurtful about my lamb trifle.

Mrs Trafe...?

Yes?

You look...different.

Oh, thank you, I've just had my hair done.

Did you get the hip replacement?

The one I gave you all that money for?

Can I interest you in today's special?

Curried pigeon, pigeons are all free-range,

I shoot them off the roof myself with my catapult.

You spent it all on plastic surgery.

I'll have the hip op next time, I promise.

Now, I just need another 30 grand.

Unbelievable.

What's this?

A petition, to get Miss Sharpe reinstated, sir.

Two signatures?

It's just me and Maddie so far.

Please, sir, teaching's all she lived for.

Um...

..I'm sorry, Joe, no, no, I just can't do that, nope.

CAR LOCK BLEEPS

Is that yours, sir?

Er... It might be, yes.

Why?

What's so unusual about me having a car that goes from 0 to 60

in 2.9 seconds with a top speed of 204mph?

It was my dad, wasn't it?

BELL RINGS

Joe?

Yeah.

Not bought yourself a new friend yet, then?

Ha-ha!

I'm sorry we fell out.

Yeah. Me too.

Look, I know you don't have much...

So?

So I guess I feel sorry for you.

Why don't you just take this?

I don't want your lousy money!

You can't buy people, Joe, has no-one taught you that?

You know what?

What?

I feel sorry for YOU.

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING

MUSIC: I'm Your Man by Wham

# If you're gonna do it, do it right - right? Do it with me

# If you're gonna do it do it right - right? Do it with me

# If you're gonna do it, do it right - right? Do it with me

# If you're gonna do it, do it right - right? Do it with me... #

Dad?

Yeah!

I need to talk to you about something.

OK!

Hang on, who are all these people?

Partychums.com.

Why are you having a party?

Because I've got some great news!

What?

Me and Sapphire got engaged!

No!

Yes! Isn't it wonderful?

I'm going to be your new mam!

Look! It cost 15 million!

Dad?

Yeah?

Did you get my teacher sacked?

No!

Well, maybe...a bit.

I just bought your headmaster a little sports car.

You can't buy people, Dad!

Has nobody taught you that?

It only cost 400 grand.

I'll get you one, if you like?

I don't want any more stuff! I've got more than enough.

You can never have enough, son.

Yes, you can!

I don't want to end up like you, an old man in a wig,

with a fiancee who doesn't even love him.

I love the ring!

I never want to see either of you ever again.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Joe, open this door. Joe!

Joe!

HE COUGHS

Oh, no, burnt again.

He's locked himself in his room.

Oh, dear.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, of course, sir.

Have I been a bad father?

Do you want an honest answer?

Yes. Definitely.

This time, tell me the truth.

Yes, you have.

DOORBELL RINGS

I wanted to say sorry, I've been an idiot.

Yes, you have.

A big, stinking idiot.

Probably bigger than that.

I ought to go and say sorry to Maddie now.

No need, she's here.

We felt really sorry for Miss Sharpe so we've made her a Christmas

hamper, mince pies and a leaflet about deforestation.

It's all my fault, my dad got her the sack.

But I've got a plan...

to make it better.

The thing is, I need your help.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, it's you. It's the middle of the night.

Miss, I'm sorry you lost your job, it's all my fault.

I got you these.

Thank you, I suppose.

Oh...

There's one more thing.

What?

Now!

HORN HONKS

You never got to go to the opera so we brought one to you.

MUSIC: Ombra Mai Fu from Serse by Handel

You put on all this just for me?

Yeah. What do you think?

It's the most generous thing anyone's ever done for me.

# Ombra mai fu

# Di vegetabile

# Cara ed amabile

# Soave... #

Don't cry, miss.

It doesn't need discussion.

# Ombra mai fu

# Di vegetabile

# Cara ed amabile

# Soave piu

# Care ed amabile

# Ombra mai fu

# Di vegetabile

# Cara ed amabile

# Soave piu. #

That must've cost a fortune.

It pretty much cleared out my account

but I had a bit of money left.

I want you to have it. Build that school in Africa.

Thank you! You've done a good thing.

See you tomorrow, Joe.

I'm broke, so you're buying the chocolate.

Deal.

Joe, what are you doing out in the cold?

Come, come in.

Come.

Ah.

Let me make you a nice hot mug of Lilt.

I'm fine.

Oh, I feel so very sorry for you and your father.

Why?

Have you not seen the headlines? Look.

And on the TV as well, everywhere I look this morning,

wall-to-wall purple bottoms.

TV: 'The Bumfresh toilet tissue scandal continues to

'escalate amid allegations that the new minty fresh brand is

'causing painful purple rashes.

'Stock prices have plummeted overnight, leaving CEO, Len Spud,

'facing financial ruin.

'I've lost everything, er, every penny I've got,

'but all I want back is my beautiful boy.

'He ran away from home last night, I've been worried sick, so,

'so, Joe, if you're out there, please come home...

'I love you, son.'

JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR

TV OFF

He doesn't really care about me. All he cares about is money.

You know, I was once a very rich man with huge chain of newsagent shops.

How many did you have?

Two.

I had literally tens of pounds in my pocket

but I was working so hard I forgot to spend time with my wife.

I bought her lavish presents - flowers from the garage,

jewellery, also from the garage,

but all she really wanted was me.

That's all I want, to spend time with my dad.

Joe, you've just seen it, your father loves you very much.

Let me take you home. Mm?

There he is!

JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR

Go in, Joe, I'll deal with this.

If I may make a short statement.

Are we live?

ALL: Yes!

'Everyone come to Raj's shop, I have very special offer on Frazzles.'

RAJ LAUGHS

Where's Dad?

Who cares? He's bankrupt!

There's Sapphire Diamond!

HUBBUB OF QUESTIONS AND CAMERAS CLICKING

Dad?

Joe! Joe! I was so worried.

Sorry I ran away.

No, I'm sorry.

I wasn't a good dad.

I've lost everything, son, and Sapphire's left me.

I think maybe she wasn't "the one".

But I've got you and you're still the most precious thing I have.

I would make you one last cup of tea

but the bailiffs have taken the cups, er, and the tea.

Master Spud.

Um... I hope you've got a job to go to?

Yes, sir, a panto.

Snow White?

No, Jack And The Beanstalk, I'm playing the giant.

Now, is there anything you want to go and get from your bedroom

before they take it all away? No.

Well, actually, there is one thing.

SMASHING OUTSIDE

JOE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You made it and that's what made it more special than anything.

Come here, son.

Hello?

Knock-knock.

Julie? Julie!

Hello, Len.

It's not been the best of days.

Oh, it's OK, we understand.

You two know each other already?

Yeah, we used to work at the factory together.

We had some happy times.

We saw you on the news.

Look, we thought you might want to come to ours for Christmas dinner.

I mean, it won't be fancy schmancy.

We'd like that. Oh.

We'd like that very much.

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

'So, we lost a fortune. But found a new family.

'And who knows? Maybe we'll live happily ever after.'