Original subtitles

The famous Mrs. Sweeny.

There's the girl I'm gonna marry.

Everything is about sex.

That's Margaret.

Canapés and cock. Is there anything else?

- Well, hopefully dessert. - I do like it.

And I'm extremely good at it.

Captain Ian Campbell.

I liked him. I liked his castle.

Shipwreck full of jewels.

I inherited it all

from a distant, distant cousin.

Ian always gets what he bloody wants.

Be my duchess?

Yes?

Then yes.

Divorce him.

Best thing I ever did.

Perhaps if I didn't love my son so much,

I would deprive you of your gloating triumph.

- You win.

It's been one of the greatest privileges of my life

- to restore Inveraray Castle. - Mummy! Mummy!

Pay the b-bills.

It's what you're for.

Every morning,

I wonder which Ian

I'm going to wake up to.

An enduring legacy for my husband

the Duke of Argyll.

What happens to me when you die?

- The home that I built? - My son will be Duke,

and he's very fond of his mother.

Don't push her in the lake or anything.

Of course I won't.

- Promise.

No peeking. It's a surprise.

I'm not peeking.

Turn right. You are peeking.

I can feel your eyelashes moving.

- All right, little, little further.

Oh, you're-you're getting there.

- Yeah. Stop. Stop.

Ready? Look.

A cannon ball?

A Spanish Armada cannon ball.

Four centuries that's been buried under the seabed,

and now it's your paperweight.

We're getting there.

All my treasure will be somewhere safe.

- Probably two decks down. - Mm-hmm.

I'm in the right place.

Didn't I tell you, "Do it"?

Didn't I promise you, you'd be the one to do it?

Father?

Christ, I forgot. I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

Got to get you back to school.

Uh, Margaret, you remember Mrs. MacPherson.

Yes. Of course.

I've asked her to do some secretarial work for you.

She's excellent, nothing gets by her.

Her husband died.

I promised him I'd look after her.

Well, I could certainly use the help.

Marvelous.

Come along, First Born.

My apologies, a bit of a surprise for you.

No. Not at all.

Such good news.

A great family's fortune, soon to be restored.

Wonderful for the Duke.

Wonderful for us both, Mrs. MacPherson.

Will you come and wave me off?

Of course I will.

Then we'll discuss my duties.

And please, call me Yvonne.

Goodbye, Ian.

- Ah. Good morning. - Morning.

Thank you.

The car is being packed.

We'll need to leave in half an hour.

Thank you, Yvonne.

What is it?

I don't know.

It's a crank.

It's Louise's handwriting.

You're not to brood on it.

It belongs in the fire.

Not a word about this.

What on earth do you take me for?

Are you telling me you actually believe this?

It's your handwriting.

I write hundreds of letters.

I've never written this.

You spend an awful lot of time in Paris.

Everyone spends a lot of time in Paris.

I've never stayed at L'Hôtel Saint Mariette.

I've never even heard of it.

I wish I had been unfaithful.

Would've given me some happy memories of our marriage.

Are the boys my boys!?

I swear on the lives of my sons, who I would die for,

that you are their father.

You don't deserve them, but you are their father,

you piece of absolute shit.

You're brooding.

Why would someone send me that letter?

Because people are very strange.

You should see some of the things that I get sent.

Don't think about it, 'cause that's

what these peculiar, nasty little people want.

Mm.

Of course the boys are yours.

Of course they are.

I don't get along with their mother,

but I can't imagine for a second

that she'd do something like that.

She's far too boring.

Don't leave me tonight.

Stay by my side.

Of course.

It's your daughter's birthday. It'll be fun.

- Oh, Christ.

Thank you.

Come on, let's go.

- Hello. - Good to see you.

Old Binky! Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

Thank you so much for coming.

- Papa. - Jeannie! Darling girl!

- Eighteen! Mwah. - Mwah.

Happy birthday, Jeanne, darling. You look wonderful.

- Margaret. - Well.

Let's go get a drink.

Oh, good idea. I-I'm spitting feathers.

Nice to see you!

- Really. Oh, hello. - Duchess.

Oh, dear. Have you lost Ian, darling?

He's over there with, uh, wife number one.

Yes, of course.

Thank you, Maureen, darling.

- Enjoy the party. - I will.

Jeanne, go back to your friends.

Oh, but, Mummy, this is much more interesting.

Jeanne.

I paid for this party.

I know.

The least you could do is not humiliate me.

This isn't about humiliating you, Margaret.

This is about doing what Ian wants,

because not doing what Ian wants is a scene.

You must've realized that by now.

A scene, right here in public.

I don't want that.

Do you know...

I think you can't bear it that I've succeeded

where you failed.

You think I want him back?

On the first night of our honeymoon,

Ian took me to a brothel,

because, according to him, I had a lot to learn.

I was 17.

Ian took everything I had.

And then he moved on to Oui Oui and took everything she had.

And when the money runs out, because it will,

the campaign to remove you will begin in earnest.

And if you're not very careful,

you, too, will be left with nothing.

You and "Wee Wee" may be sniveling little girls,

but I'm not.

And I don't need or want your advice.

He just left, and you didn't try and stop him?

And I did look for you.

Well, not very hard.

He took my car, Yvonne. My car and my driver.

I have a car.

Well, it's a Volvo.

No frills. Covered in dog hair.

Dog hair? For a duchess?

- I'll arrange a taxi. - No, I love dogs.

And you are?

Peter Combe.

Shall we?

Yes.

We shall. Thank you, Yvonne.

Good night, Janet.

I hate the bathroom.

Why would anyone sane want to watch themselves

as they strain for stool from every possible angle?

There are other bathrooms for you to strain in.

I hate those, too.

Ugh. In fact, I hate this whole house.

Well, I love it.

You didn't mind passing out in there last night.

Ow. Margaret, that's a low blow.

You do like to kick a man when he's down, don't you?

If I liked kicking a man when he was down,

I would've stamped you to pieces on that bathmat.

You took my car, Ian.

My car and my chauffeur.

But look at you, you're fine, you know.

All hungover and vulnerable and delicious.

Mm.

Just don't treat me like your other wives.

Oh, God. Don't tell me you've been speaking to Janet.

No.

- You should give it up. - Give what up?

This house. This cold, sterile hole of a house.

- Don't be ridiculous. - We'd have more money.

You're always complaining about money.

Give it up, you won't have to complain, will you?

Get that shipwreck off the seafloor

and we can have as many houses as we want.

You don't think I can do it, do you?

You think I'm gonna cock it up.

Can't raise a shipwreck.

Can't fight a war without getting captured.

- Can't father his own sons. - Oh, for God's sake, Ian.

I told you to ignore that bloody letter.

And who is it who's always telling you

you can achieve whatever you want?

- Me. - Yes.

You do a lot of telling. You're my nanny.

The last thing I am is your nanny.

And if I didn't think you could raise that hulk,

I wouldn't have invested so much money in it.

Here we go again.

Money.

- I'm being a horrible bastard. - Yes, you are.

- Why do you put up with me? - No idea.

- I'm gonna take you out for dinner tonight. - Mm.

To make up for being

such an incorrigible, selfish prick last night.

- Have a think about the house, though. - No.

- Yes. - No.

Just think about it.

That's new since I last saw you.

- Pain? - No.

It's just a twinge.

Numbness? Pins and needles?

- No. - Insomnia? Blurred vision?

Headaches?

No. No. Um, sometimes.

Anything else?

I want to have a baby.

You were lucky to have two children,

all things considered,

and that was before your fall.

But my accident was years ago.

If you managed to carry the child to term,

and that is a big if,

I am not certain you'd survive the labor.

There's been so many advances in medicine.

It could kill you.

- No, leave it.

Diana, darling.

You're answering your own door?

Have the ravens left the Tower?

Where's Il Duce?

Oh, he's at the House of Lords all day.

Something about... Oh, I don't know and I don't care.

Go away.

Now, I'm swearing you to absolute secrecy, Diana.

All right. Fine. Yes.

What's the urgency?

Well?

I need you to buy me a baby boy.

What?

A newborn baby boy.

I'll pay. I'll pay very well.

You're married to a Pole.

You must have lost of contacts.

And there must be some poor girl somewhere

who wants to give her baby the best of everything,

you know, a wonderful life.

But the baby does need to grow up tall like Ian, though,

so it's probably best that you know the parents.

Oh, Jesus.

You're serious.

Margaret.

Either you are having a nervous breakdown,

or I am.

Oh, Diana.

No, it's too awful.

No, it's too shocking.

Ian sons aren't his.

They're illegitimate.

Both of them, heir and spare.

How do you know?

Ian got a letter.

Anonymous.

They say they've got proof.

Well, that's just standard extortion.

No, they don't want money.

They want to right a great wrong.

Set matters straight.

They're some other man's sons.

Passed off as Ian's by bloody Oui Oui this entire time.

Oui Oui?

She doesn't seem the type.

Oh, she's the type.

She's completely vindictive.

So, Ian needs an heir

because he can't possibly leave anything it to them now, can he?

Have you met the British aristocracy?

It's rammed with bastard earls and by-blow barons.

Everyone turns a blind eye.

I've thought it all through.

I start to pad my waist.

Let people whisper about it.

Start the rumors.

And then I go to a clinic in Switzerland,

and then you bring me a beautiful baby boy,

and I give you a lot of money.

- I thought you were my friend. - I am.

And as your friend, I'm telling you

just don't get involved.

Ian's sons are nothing to do with you.

Wh... Inveraray wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me and Daddy.

It would be a ruin, and those boys would have

nothing to inherit, so yes, it has everything to do with me.

Margaret, go on holiday

before you get yourself in trouble.

Diana, I swore you to secrecy, so if you tell anyone,

- I'll know that you can't keep a promise.

A long holiday.

- Somewhere sunny.

Oh, hello, darling.

You said you'd take me out for dinner.

Do you know, the House sat late.

Yes, it did.

But you weren't there.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was at the club.

No.

You weren't there, either.

Oh, your legion of spies.

- Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. - Drunk.

You were drunk last night and you're drunk now.

- Fish-face is being a little nag tonight.

- God, you reek of other women. - Do I?

You've been with some other woman,

- then you come back to me in this state? - Oh, my God.

This relentless bourgeois whine.

- It's so fucking boring!

Your Grace?

Oh, dear.

Now look what you've made me do.

- I've gone and woken the servant.

Why are you being like this?

I had such a lovely day, and you've gone and spoiled it.

I'm gonna sleep at the club.

And tomorrow morning, we go back to Inveraray,

- first train. - I won't be.

You'll do what I tell you to do and when I tell you to do it.

You must be confusing me with one of your other wives!

So glad you were free.

Darling, for you, I'm always free.

So, what's on the menu tonight?

Drinking or dancing?

- Both. - Right answer.

"Gotta Keep Rolling"]

- Hello.

Hi. Hey.

- Hey.

- Ready? Go.

- Two martinis, please.

- [

I loved your mother so much.

You've got me, Daddy.

You've always got me.

You shouldn't have let Yvonne go

without discussing it with me first.

We can't afford her, Ian. We have to save money.

Besides, I didn't have enough work for her.

She can't just stand around doing nothing.

Well, why not? You do.

Look, I got her another job,

and I'm giving her lunch to make up for it.

Ooh, lunch with you. What a treat.

That's terrifying.

You think I want to do this?

You think I want to debase myself,

advertising Argyll socks?

You'll have me selling surgical trusses

with the family crest on it next.

If it pays well, why not?

Or you could give up this house.

Or you could give up your treasure hunt.

We're ready, Your Grace.

You done?

Oh, it's just like being there.

Ah, so where do you want me?

I'm out for dinner tonight.

Smile.

Super.

I was very sorry to hear about your mother.

Thank you.

Hmm.

And are you enjoying your new job?

They're a very generous employer.

I'm very glad.

It was difficult to let you go, I hope you understand that.

Yvonne, can I ask you?

You've known Ian longer than I have,

and he and your husband were such good friends.

Has he always been so impossible?

It's the drinking.

He can be so changeable.

I can barely keep track of his moods.

Well, the Duke has a lot on his mind at the moment.

Although, I don't see how you can tell

that he's impossible, you are never with him.

I... beg your pardon?

You keep talking about how much you love Inveraray...

Well, I do. It's my home.

But you're always here.

Going about with men, men half your age.

If you... spent more time with Ian,

supporting him as a proper wife should,

then maybe he wouldn't be so impossible.

Oh, I see.

- So it's my fault. - I don't think you try hard enough.

- No, I try. - Do you?

And as for that advertisement, how could you?

Debasing and humiliating a man like that?

Your own husband forced to shill for mass-produced socks.

Yvonne, I invited you here as a friend,

and you choose to speak to me like this?

You invited me to lunch

because you want me to agree with you.

Perhaps you thought I'd drop some hints,

some gossip about poor Margaret

and how she suffers with the Duke.

What a saint that woman is.

Well, you're no saint.

I feel sorry for Ian.

He deserves better.

Well...

Ian always thought you were terrible at your job.

Wasn't for me, you wouldn't have lasted two months.

If you're going to tell lies, do try and make them plausible.

Do you know, Yvonne, I think you've just remembered

a very important engagement.

Do you know, I think you're right.

I have.

Make sure Ian packs everything he needs for Scotland.

- He needs a wife.

That's it. We're shutting it down.

The exploration is over, Your Grace.

Come on, please. I beg you. We're nearly there.

Don't stop now.

I'm working it out with the Admiralty.

You can stay in the boat.

You can, you can get back to it.

We're so close.

It's over, Your Grace.

Dr. John Petro for the Duke.

He is expecting me.

Ian.

What is it?

- I've failed. - No.

No, of course you haven't.

You tried everything. We both did.

It's just... it's not possible.

I wanted it for my boys.

My boys.

They're mine.

- Of course they are.

Your Grace, Dr. Petro.

Dear me, old boy.

You are a mess.

He's got a raging temperature, and he's not making any sense.

I beg your pardon, Your Grace, but...

I need privacy.

- I'll be just outside, darling.

I saw that you prescribed amphetamines for the Duke.

Yes.

To boost his system.

I would have thought that an iron tablet...

cod liver oil... would've been better treatment.

Not amphetamines.

His behavior...

...can be very volatile.

Have you given my husband this boost before?

I'm here to treat your husband's pneumonia.

What sort of doctor are you?

The Duke's.

And which one of your lovers are you seeing this time?

Is it Peter Combe?

For God's sake,

Peter escorts me.

He's got so many girlfriends, I'd have to book him in advance.

I've got a meeting with the bank.

And if I thought it would help our situation,

I'd ride the manager and all the clerks

like the Cheltenham winners.

No, you like it like this.

You're glad that shipwreck's buried under the mud.

- Am I really? - Mm.

Means you can still control me, prancing around

calling yourself a duchess

with my balls in your fucking handbag.

Well, it's not as if they'd take up much room.

Dear.

Now you've lost your place.

You take too many of those. They're not doing you any good.

They stop me from shooting myself in the face.

How many men have you got?

Oh, at least 80.

Probably more.

How about you? How many women have you got?

Of course, I could just shoot you in the face.

You could.

But then you'd be hanged for murder.

And I'd win, and think how much you'd hate that.

You see, this is why we're a match.

Oui Oui and Janet would've burst into tears, but not you.

You're a little street fighter.

Lipstick.

Now that you've mentioned her...

have you decided what you're going to do

about Wee Wee and the letter?

Oh.

After taking professional advice,

I've decided to do nothing.

Professional advice?

I went to Scotland Yard.

Spoke to a detective.

He said this sort of thing happens all the time.

Plus, they found nothing at L'Hôtel Saint Mariette.

They said, "Do nothing.

They'll trip themselves up in the end."

Well, I'm glad that you've spoken to someone.

Though you never mentioned it to me.

Well, why would I?

They're not your children.

Are you gonna talk to your father about money?

Ian, I don't want to ask him for money while he's still grieving.

I do love you, you know.

In spite of it all.

I do love you.

And don't worry about your balls.

I'll keep them safe.

Don't tell me you didn't know, dear.

No, of course I did.

- They just wanted to keep it, uh... - Secret?

No. Private.

Being so soon after Mummy.

And there's photographers everywhere I go, so...

- Mm. You didn't want to steal the bride's light. - Mm.

You are so selfless.

Utterly angelic.

"The couple departed immediately for a honeymoon in Barbados."

Adorable.

Your new stepmother's younger than you.

Daddy is a sly old dog.

You're sure you're okay?

I'll be fine.

I feel silly telephoning you.

I don't know what I was thinking.

No, it's okay.

- I was just worried about you, that's all.

Oh, God. Here he is.

Oh, I look a fright.

Margaret.

Hmm?

Why don't you just tell him another night?

Hmm?

We could just have a quiet little dinner,

just you and me.

No, darling.

No.

Sorry for ruining your evening.

No. No, you didn't.

No plans. As per.

Uh, call me.

Mm. No.

Please...

- B... b...

Be nice.

I know how to...

b-behave.

Salutations and congratulations, George.

- Hello. - Thank you. Hello, hello, hello.

- Hello. - Jane.

- Happy to see you. Hello. - Enchanted to meet you at last.

- Oh, thank you. - My darling daughter.

- Come in and sit down. - Oh, thank you.

So, how was the journey up?

- Oof, long. - Oh, very long. Yes.

- Oh, it's nice to be here.

Well, let's have a spot of restorative lunch,

and then I'll take Jane for a tour of the gardens.

Gosh, it's, um...

- It's beautiful. - Mm.

Of course I should've told you, but I was swept off my feet.

I've been so lonely, you know, since Mother.

- I would've kept you company.

Ian was drunk at lunch.

We were all having champagne.

He was drunk when we arrived.

And I see the way he drinks in the club.

- Everybody drinks, Daddy. - He drinks for oblivion, and you know it.

- Daddy? - Please, don't ask me to bail Ian out again.

I'll not throw good money after bad.

I see.

You understand about the money?

Of course.

And about Jane?

I just want you to be happy.

I am.

So very happy.

Did you talk to him?

Yes.

And?

No.

There's no more money.

How long am I going to get the silent treatment for?

It's pathetic.

It's especially sickening to watch you be completely charming

to Jane and then foul to me.

Mm, well, it's easy to be lovely to Jane.

- She's delicious and sexy.

Your old man's gonna need Spanish fly to keep up with her.

She's wasted on him.

What are you for?

What are you for?

- What is the point of you?

- What are you for?

I'm-I'm coming in!

I'm-I'm coming in right now!

Your Grace.

- Do you need a doctor?

Dr. Petro.

How did you find me?

Well, I'm sure the police would be very interested in

a doctor whose consulting room is this sordid hole

and whose patients queue up outside.

What can I do for you?

You are going to stop giving my husband amphetamines.

You'll cease all contact with him.

His health is no longer your concern.

Do we understand one another?

Good.

- That's why. Yeah. - Hold up. Hold up. Your Grace.

- Any comment on the Duke taking a suite at Claridges?

- I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

My husband's in Scotland.

If he was in London, then he'd be with me.

Nope, he's in Claridges.

We've been told your marriage is over.

- Any comment?

- Duchess! - Duchess, a quick word!

Oh, no. Here we go. Duchess?

Oh, of course it would be you.

Where is he?

He doesn't want to see you, Your Grace.

What have you told him?

I haven't told him anything.

Haven't told anyone anything.

I want to see my husband.

Please, don't make a scene.

He doesn't want to see you.

I wouldn't believe a word she's saying. She's a liar.

- That's why I didn't want her working for me anymore. - Duchess!

- She's a deeply troubled woman. - Duchess!

You try and help people,

and they just throw it back in your face.

Where is he?

Hello?

Come, please.

Ian?

Please.

Please come.

Help.

I can't bear it, please come.

Where are you?

- Oh, Ian.

Jesus.

- Bon appétit. - Merci.

I don't know why I went to Claridges.

I don't know why I say and I do the things I do.

I don't.

You frighten me sometimes, Ian.

And you hurt me.

You wouldn't give me money.

And I kept thinking that you were lying.

You were going behind my back, and you were lying.

I think we can make it work between us.

I really do.

But we have to be kinder.

Yes.

Stop doing terrible things to each other.

What terrible things have you done?

Nothing, just...

being in London too much.

It's not quite the same as humiliating me in public,

- but still... - I'm so sorry.

Yes, you should be.

I'm sorry.

- The pills and the drinking have got to stop, Ian. - Yes.

- For good. - Yes.

We'll be all right.

- Piss off.

Hmm.