Original subtitles

- [Narrator] Tonight on Wiseguy.

- You don't know who you're screwing with.

- Death be not proud, you've had it, baby.

- Vince didn't make it clear to you

that the idea is to bring down Volchek?

- The only thing he made clear

was that he was calling in his marker.

- Sorry boys, you missed the boat.

- This investigation has cost me

the best agent I ever worked with.

- I am become the world.

Destroyer of death.

- This isn't an investigation anymore, Frank.

This is The Gong Show.

- Geez, I wish Vince was here.

- [Dan] Vinny can stay lost as long as he wants to.

(dramatic theme music)

- [Narrator] Previously on Wiseguy.

- Vinny's gone, he snapped, he took my car.

- You owe me and I'm calling to collect.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm repaying a debt to a friend.

- Is that debt repaid when Mark's destroyed?

- Helmut Zimbrick is coming here tomorrow.

- He's been selling permits

for health facilities for years.

- A deal's taking place at Gorslava.

Volchek wants me to bug the transaction.

He wants to run this up tonight when he calls.

- Go.

- State Attorney General's office.

Mr. Zimbrick is under investigation

for conspiracy to misappropriate state licenses.

Mr. Volchek is suspected of duplicity.

- On what basis?

Better take what you got.

Don't be greedy.

- The sky is falling, everything sucks.

I've ruined Lynchboro.

- I was just trying to do what's right for the town.

- What's right for the town (laughing)

is predestined, it's halfwits

and selfish people

who want a Volchek at the wheel.

They don't give a damn about his needs,

or even who he is.

- If I bring him in on anything,

this town'll shrivel up and die.

And Vince? - Absolutely nothing, buddy.

- We'll contract the removal of waste materials

from hospitals and other health facilities.

- And I wanna be paid cash up-front.

- [Kousakis] You show up here in the morning

and I'll pay you for the previous day's work.

(relaxed theatrical music)

(sirens wailing)

(groaning)

(upbeat TV theme music)

- Oh, crud.

(water droplets splashing) (upbeat TV theme music)

(knocking) - Open up in there!

- What do you want?

- 402.

You are paid up through tonight.

- Yeah, so what?

- Were you planning on extending your stay?

- You plan on turning on the heat?

- You stay past tonight, pal,

I want some scratch, or your stuff

winds up out in the street!

Capisce?

- Come on!

Stick, you miserable--

- I want my money from yesterday.

- Come in.

I'm a man of my word.

Now get to work, the truck is waiting.

- You know what happens to that stuff

that we take out of the hospitals?

- Yeah.

You take it to the dump, and you dump it.

- Yeah, the bags break open half the time.

The stuff goes down into the sewer

and into the water system.

- Get to work!

- There is a school right down the street from the dump.

The sewer carries that stuff right past it.

These kids are getting sick from it.

- Listen, Norton.

I don't pay you to look in sewers.

You take your money, you cart the stuff,

and you shut your mouth!

I'll worry about the water system.

- Oh.

I'm sorry.

Sorry to bother you.

(shouting)

- You don't know who you're screwing with.

I got friends, connected up, my friends.

(fist thudding) (shouting)

- Now you listen to me.

You can screw all of your friends,

'cause you don't know who you're messing with.

So long, tricksy.

- You'll be sorry you did this.

You just made big trouble for yourself,

that you won't see the end.

(solemn theatrical music)

- You sabotaged a federal investigation

at its most critical point.

Vince didn't make it clear to you that the idea

is to bring down Volchek?

- The only thing he made clear

was that he was calling in his marker.

That is the only reason I left the happy purgatory

that I established for myself.

But I got eyes of my own, Frank,

and I can see that to bring Volchek down

would've been a monumental mistake.

- This investigation has cost me the best agent

I ever worked with, not to mention a friend for life.

I wanna get something out of this thing.

- Is that what it's about, Frank?

Getting someone?

No matter how meaningless his criminality,

or the impact on the people around him?

To cut Volchek off from these people without preparing them

would be like trying to ween--

- We are cops, we're not social workers!

Jeez, I wish Vince was here.

- I am not a cop, Frank,

and I am not your wayward son come home to beg forgiveness,

and I do not need to hear recitation of my sins,

the gravest of which is not being Vinny.

Now when this is over, I am out of here like a shot,

but I am not gonna leave this town

knowing that the people of this town, the good people

of this town, are worse off than when I came.

And if your being a policeman blinds you to that fact,

then you have no business being one.

And for whatever it's worth, and not that I

particularly care, I think Vinny would've done

exactly the same thing I did for exactly the same reason.

- What are we gonna do?

- You're here because Volchek thinks that he bought you.

I'm here because you bought me.

There's only one person in this play

whose motives he cannot reduce to money.

(scoffs) - You really are crazy.

I'm not bringing Lacey into this.

- She's already in it, Frank.

- She knows about the OCB?

- She thinks that Vinny's just a cop.

She doesn't even know his real name.

Volchek has told her that you're a Fed on the take.

He thinks you're still on his side,

but she knows the truth.

She reasons deductively.

Who the Hell else in this town

is a Fed gonna be interested in?

- What if she tells Volchek?

- She won't.

- And how can you be sure?

- She knows what control means to him.

He welcomed three strangers to his town,

he places them in position of trust,

and is duped by all three.

The camel's back is broken as soon as he finds out.

She's gonna protect him from that as long as she can.

She's our only ally, Frank.

- The kids need their daddy,

is what it amounts to.

And you're here to take him away!

That is what you're here for.

- That does not matter now.

Volchek is up at Gorslava in a diminished emotional state.

The man lost his hospital, his dream,

the only thing that kept him going.

Now the question is how to best deal with him

to suit his needs and your town's.

- You mean you're not gonna arrest him?

- It's looking less and less likely.

- He's still in control of the town,

but he's not in control of himself.

Now he has to be made to realize that,

and be willing to give up the mantle of leadership,

give it back to the people who always had a right

to it anyway, even if they don't know it.

- So are you gonna help us?

- He's a compassionate man, Frank.

He really does care about this town and the people in it.

He'll listen to reason.

He's not beyond that.

- Death has no dominion.

It did, but it sure as Hell doesn't anymore.

Washington, Honest Abe, Jefferson,

Chester A. Arthur.

Sorry boys, you missed the boat.

Volchek Institute of Cryonics.

Death be not proud, you've had it, baby.

For them, the people, my people, Daddy and Gramps,

VIC lives, and through it you too will live.

Take what I'm offering you, people of Lynchboro.

You ingrates!

VIC is coming whether you want it or not.

I want it, I want!

The greatest gift of all, and you spit it back in my face.

No wonder a pickup and a six-pack is your idea

of upward mobility.

What the Hell could be better than life eternal?

Season tickets on the 50?

Take away my hospital, but you can't take away my dream.

Life, life!

I am become the world.

Destroyer of death.

I am become the world, destroyer of death.

I am become the world, destroyer of death.

(screaming)

- Who the Hell is this guy?

HES is poisoning our kids.

On your letterhead.

Don't you check these guys out before you

put 'em on the payroll?

- What's to check out?

He's a drifter, he's living hand to mouth.

He went batty on me this morning

over the way I do business.

The son of a bitch stole my watch.

- If he's blowing you into me,

who else is on his mailing list?

- I'm taking care of it.

He won't be sending any more letters.

- Make sure that he doesn't.

I don't want your drifter drifting into my office.

- I want you to find a guy.

- [Pawn Broker] 1,800 dollars.

- That is a $10,000 watch.

- Not to me it ain't.

I can get these all day.

- I tell you what.

1,850 and trade for that Bowie knife right there.

Huh?

- 1,800 for the watch.

Take it or leave it.

- I tell you what, throw in the golf clubs,

just the golf clubs.

Come on.

- Athlete, huh?

Okay, we got a deal.

Do yourself a favor, okay?

Don't drink it all.

Get yourself a hot meal.

- I know where my boy is.

He's right out here.

He's in Seattle, that makes perfect sense to me.

What doesn't make sense is that now

I'm supposed to use the tools given to me

to stalk mobsters and lowlifes, to find my friend.

It sucks!

I know I have to do it but I don't want to.

- Are you afraid of what you might find?

- Look, what he did, he did for a reason.

I may not know what that reason is, but I sure as Hell

understand the overwhelming need to bolt.

Now see, if I go after him,

it's like telling a guy he can't take care of himself.

- Oh, you're being too hard on yourself, Dan.

You just wanna find him because he's your friend.

You don't wanna see him make a mistake,

you don't wanna see him hurt.

- The mistake's been made, alright?

And he is a survivor.

Vinny can stay lost as long as he wants to.

- Look, you admit that his defenses are up.

I mean, anybody's would be.

And maybe he's even crossed over into some kind of paranoia

or something, knowing he's being hunted down.

- See, that's part of the reason why I think

he's right under our nose, right here.

I'm not saying he wants to be found,

but maybe he feels he can control the hunt

if he's closer in.

See, he's the kid that runs away from home,

spends the afternoon hiding under the stoop,

listening to the search going around him.

- You don't have to corner him.

You just have to find him.

- I don't wanna watch this movie again, I've seen it.

I'm not gonna glean anything new from it, except

a headache from a different lobe.

- G. Gordon Liddy feared rats as a child.

He ate one to beat that fear.

Volchek fears death, he watches this movie.

- Oh it's good to see you again, my homicidal friends.

- Couldn't we just eat rats?

(phone ringing) Oh, my God.

- [Man On TV] It's an old-fashioned story,

full of gallantry.

- The more I think about it, the more sense

it makes to me, Frank.

- Well if you think it's Seattle,

get the aforenamed in Seattle.

- The best thing that could happen for all of us

is that we find him first.

I have to question the tactic of hunting

him down like a dog.

- No one is hunting him down like a dog.

There's a lot of people's safety at stake here,

not the least of which is Vince's.

Now he has to be found, it's our duty.

- You know that what's going on in his head

has absolutely nothing to do with the OCB.

Now we owe it to him to let him work it out for himself

and come back to us when he's ready.

- Well what if he doesn't know when he's ready?

Who knows what's goin on in his mind.

- Well if that's the case, who better to find him than us?

- I just said that, I know that.

I know that.

I just don't wanna be here.

It'd be better if I was there with you, looking for him.

- Well then wrap it up, get on a plane.

I could use a support group myself.

- Alright, I'll call.

You give me a call if there's a sighting.

- Hey, you know I will.

(light string music)

(dramatic string music)

(crashing)

(grunting)

- You tell Kousakis the next guy he sends gets better.

Nice watch.

- 800 bucks.

- Sold.

(laughing)

- How's your short game?

- What?

- Around the greens.

The golf clubs. - Oh.

Well I'm getting pretty good with the five iron.

- Listen, you didn't hear this from me.

You come across a blue face

Ebel, 18 karat, I can move a few of those.

- I'll keep that in mind.

Thanks.

- Go to him, Krull.

Remind him of something he said to me once,

that his affliction came not from God above

nor from the fiend below, but from within his own heart,

his own brain, his own soul.

His cure came from within him too.

All he needs is the knowledge that he was his own healer.

Without that, he is doomed.

(dramatic theatrical music)

- Master, I'm very sorry,

but I missed him.

The train had already left.

- There.

That's it.

That's the line he's hung up on.

- Master, I'm very sorry,

but I missed him.

The train had already left.

- If Krull had come back and told Smiley the truth,

he'd be rid of his demons and enjoying his money.

- That's what's wrong with Volchek?

- See, this movie is a way for him to control death.

He can start and stop it at will.

Now what we need to do is change the ending.

I mean, if Krull had come back and said hey, Baron,

babe, lighten up, you know, it's only a mistake,

we'd be out of here.

- Oh, come on.

And besides, the film doesn't end that way.

Even if you are right, after the thousands of hours

that this guy's watched this thing,

it has made indelible impressions on his mind

that you're never gonna change.

- [LoCocco] Yes we are.

We're gonna scare the crap out of him.

- How are we gonna do that?

- Well.

Maybe you can use Bobby Lambert.

- Who's Bobby Lambert?

- Bobby Lambert?

- He's a local kid who went nuts

because his sweetheart was about to earn her wings

here at the parlor.

He tried to kill Volchek, Vince stopped him,

led Volchek to believe that he killed Bobby

to protect Volchek.

We've had him in a safe house

until the investigation is over.

- This isn't an investigation anymore, Frank.

This is The Gong Show.

Hey, Donny.

Yeah, listen, I want you to go up to the high school,

get all the laboratory equipment you can,

and meet me up at Gorslava.

And bring a lab coat.

(laughing) - Oh no.

- Oh yeah.

Vinny the doc.

- And I'm definitely not gonna kill a dog.

- If this'll help, some of the girls

keep things around here to kind of make

'em feel more at home.

(dramatic theatrical music)

- I saw Krull and a dog.

- You'll see many such dogs before I'm finished, Baron.

- Let me tell you something, Buckwheat,

this is stupid, it's nuts,

and it's not gonna work.

- It's gonna work, Frank,

because this time Krull's gonna come through

for Baron von Dentures.

- And why do I have to play Krull?

- Would you rather play Maude?

- There is a healing of the flesh

and a healing of the spirit.

You have said, Baron, that shock was the factor

that brought your face to its present condition.

Do you remember?

- Yes.

- Then perhaps shock may be your cure.

Shock, combined with medical science.

(dramatic theatrical music)

Now I will leave you alone,

as you were in that grave years ago.

- How long?

- As long as is necessary.

Krull.

(dramatic theatrical music)

- [Baron] No, not like this.

Not like this, not in the dark!

Not in the dark!

- Sir Robert!

- I thought we'd seen the last of you, Krull.

- [Krull] You must return, Sir Robert.

He needs you.

- [Robert] Impossible, we would miss the train.

- But you do not understand,

he cannot open his mouth. - Nonsense.

- It's true.

He cannot speak, he cannot eat or drink.

I'm a strong man, and with my own two hands

I tried to pry his jaws apart, but I could not.

He'll starve, he'll die horribly.

- He will not die, Krull.

You must tell him simply that he can open his mouth himself.

- But you are his healer.

- I did not heal him.

The fluid I injected into his face

was nothing more than distilled water.

- Water?

But the tropical plant,

all the experiments, all the dogs!

- An elaborate show, nothing more.

The dogs did not die, they were merely drugged.

I had to make the Baron think

that I was preparing a new and powerful medication.

- I still do not understand.

- Go to him, Krull.

Remind him of something he said to me once,

that his affliction came not from God above,

nor from the fiend below, but from within his own heart,

his own brain, his own soul.

His cure came from within him too.

- But he needs--

- All he needs is the knowledge

that he was his own healer.

Without that, he is doomed.

- Yes, yes.

Oh, I see.

- Then go at once and tell him.

- Yes.

I will.

(mysterious theatrical music)

(dramatic theatrical music)

Master. (electricity zapping)

- No, not like this.

Not in the dark.

Hello?

Mister electricity?

Hello, mister fuse box?

Hello?

Aah.

(circuit breakers clicking)

McPike?

McPike?

What are you doing with that dog?

Whose dog is that?

McPike?

- No. - No?

LoCocco!

Something's wrong with McPike.

Your boss is losing it, right there in the hallway.

- No.

- What do you mean no?

What's wrong with you people?

What's McPike doing?

- I saw Krull and a dog.

- What?

- I saw Krull and a dog.

- Sir Robert?

- Tell us what's happening on the London stage.

- Maude?

Have you all come to play with me?

- What is that strange instrument?

- It's a new invention.

It's called a hypodermic needle.

- No, no.

That's my line, Baron.

- Oh, sorry, Sir Robert.

No one's ever come to play before.

- Well we're here now.

(mysterious theatrical music)

- [Volchek] No, not like this, not like this!

Not in the dark!

- Don't get ahead of yourself, Buckwheat.

I asked not to be disturbed.

(clears throat)

- I saw Krull and a dog.

- You'll see many such dogs before I'm through, Baron.

Krull, tie him to that chair.

- Is this necessary?

- It's for your own good.

There may be a violent reaction.

- Shouldn't I be staring across at my father,

whose grave I have defiled?

- License is necessary, respect for the dead.

- Ooh!

(dramatic theatrical music) - Now we leave you alone.

- How long?

- As long as is necessary.

(mysterious theatrical music)

(door creaking) (door clicking shut)

(dramatic theatrical music) - No.

Not like this.

Not like this!

Not in the dark!

Aah!

(screaming)

- Your cue, Buckwheat.

- Oh, God.

He is dead, you've killed him.

(door slams)

(mysterious theatrical music)

- The trauma of what has happened

has caused his mouth to remain closed tight.

It will relax to its normal state in a few days.

(dramatic theatrical music)

- I hate doing this.

- I thought we'd seen the last of you, Krull.

- Sir Robert, you must return.

He needs you. - Impossible.

We'd miss our train.

- No, you don't understand.

He cannot open his mouth, he cannot eat, he cannot drink.

He will die a horrible death.

- He will not die.

You must go to him and simply tell him

he can open his own mouth himself.

- But you are his healer?

- I did not heal him.

The fluid I injected into his face

was nothing more than distilled water.

- Sir Robert, the dogs, the experiments?

- An elaborate show.

The dogs did not die, they were merely drugged.

Go to him, Krull.

Tell him something he once told me,

that his affliction was not caused by God above

nor the fiend below, but by his own heart,

his own brain, and his own soul.

(dramatic theatrical music)

- Sir Robert says there is nothing wrong with you.

You can open your mouth if you want.

Mmm-hmm.

Hmm!

It was all an elaborate show.

The truth is inside you.

You're a free man.

Do you mind if I join you?

You know, through all the years of servitude,

I've come to realize you're not such a bad guy.

So for this eye thing, I'm gonna forgive you.

You're not eating.

- What are you doing?

That's not how it ends!

- Sure it is.

- I've seen this film a million times.

You're supposed to lie to me. - No.

- You cover your eye, remembering the pain

I once inflicted on you, and then lie

about missing Sir Robert at the train station.

- No, got there on time.

- No, what is this?

Either you're playing the game or you're not.

Lacey, tell them, tell them they're wrong.

- But they're not wrong, Mark.

- I know this movie cold.

I know how it ends, it ends in disaster.

Sardonicus stares at his father, whose grave

he has defiled, and then suffers the consequences

of his sins.

He doesn't get off this easy.

- He does this time. - No!

He pays for his sins!

Lacey, tell them to stop this.

This isn't fun.

Get rid of 'em.

No Merrick, I mean,

just remove them from my personal space.

- This time it's true.

The truth has always been in you.

- No!

No!

I know how it ends, I know how it ends!

He pays, he pays and pays!

He doesn't get off.

He lives with his sins.

He takes them to his grave!

I gotta get out of here,

I can't breathe! - Mark!

- Let him go.

- Not like this!

Not in the dark!

No!

Not like this, not in the dark!

Bobby?

(dramatic theatrical music)

(birds chirping) (light orchestral music)

- As documented, and by the power

invested in me as a Baronic Lord of the Land,

I do irrevocably and forever annul my marriage

with one who was no wife to me and for whom

I now have neither need nor use.

Sardonicus.

- I'm so glad Bobby's alive.

It was a terrible trick,

but I suppose McPike had his reasons.

- I'm leaving, Mark.

- It's over.

I'm free now.

- Mark, listen to me.

I'm leaving Lynchboro.

- What?

You can't.

This is your home, this is where you live.

I need you.

- You said it yourself.

You're free now.

- Yes, but not from you.

I don't wanna be free from you.

- But I kept you imprisoned.

- No.

No.

You helped me to see the truth.

- I helped to blind you.

I knew that this belief in cryonics,

and your father's dream of a dynasty,

that was your vulnerability.

I saw that vulnerability and I exploited it.

I kept you weak because it kept me strong.

- Julie.

You've helped me.

The lessons that I've learned from you

are too great to hold on to anger.

I have the power not to fear death,

but to celebrate life.

(laughing)

- You've always had that, Mark.

- Yes.

Yes, I can see that now.

I don't wanna waste another minute.

There's something I've gotta do!

Honor thy father.

Alright, I'll do it.

I'll continue to do it as I've done all these years.

But you know what, Daddy?

I'll never make a son of mine

honor me like this.

I'll keep you alive.

You are presumptuous enough to think

that you had a right to eternal life.

Why?

You were a domineering son of a bitch.

And I allowed you to perpetuate your dominance

from inside this nitrogenized cigar tube.

(keypad beeping)

(gasses hissing) (machine beeping rapidly)

Be gone, Daddy!

(gasses hissing) (machine beeping rapidly)

(keypad beeping)

(gasses hissing) (machine beeping rapidly)

Be gone, Gramps.

(gasses hissing)

He wouldn't let my mother be preserved

because she wasn't a Volchek.

The dynasty flow to the men, he said.

The bearers of the sons were immaterial,

one just as good as another.

How strange it is to feel reborn

wile standing in your father's tomb.

How strange and how wonderful!

(gasses hissing)

- What is it?

- I never grieved for them.

When they died, I didn't grieve

because I knew I'd be seeing them again.

Reverend Adams congratulated me

on the strength of my religious convictions,

but I didn't have the heart to tell him it was cryonics.

Now they're truly dead,

and at my hand.

Patricide!

- You didn't kill them.

Death can't be cheated,

not even by Volcheks,

but life can be.

And they cheated you of yours.

They can't do that anymore.

- McPike playing Krull.

(laughing)

(machine beeping rapidly)

What day is this?

- The 17th, Sunday.

- Sunday!

There's still time. - What for?

- Donny will make a good Sheriff

as long as he keeps that chip on his shoulder.

- That's assuming Sweeney

don't rip his head off this morning.

(laughing) - Donny's fast.

He'll do okay if he lets Sweeney chase him.

Sweeney's got no legs.

We'll see you guys around.

- I appreciate you having been here.

(phone ringing)

- Lynchboro Sheriff's office.

- LoCocco.

I'm glad I caught you.

I didn't get a chance to thank you last night.

Is McPike with you?

- He's right here.

- Good, I wanna thank him too.

I can thank everyone at once, even Rogo.

(clears throat) - What're you talking about?

- Bring them up to the mill as fast as you can.

(dial tone ringing)

I'm gonna become part of the community.

I can hardly wait.

Yee-ha!

- Donny Wolovik has requested this rematch

with our champion Mike Sweeney.

(audience applauding) We all admire you, Donny.

We can take comfort in the words

of the immortal Hemingway,

a man can be destroyed but not defeated.

As you know, we can't start until Mr. Volchek arrives,

so if we could just bow our heads

for a moment's silent reflection.

- Here I am.

This is not your day, Donny, it's mine.

Okay, Mike.

Let's hit hard and watch the good things happen.

Come on.

Let's get started.

(fists thudding)

- Oh!

(crowd cheering)

(crowd cheering) (fists thudding)

Oh, this is crazy.

(crowd cheering) (fists thudding)

- [Man In Crowd] Come on, Mr. Volchek!

- Mark, stay down.

You let this go on, Lacey?

- He's having the time of his life.

(crowd cheering)

(fist thudding)

(fists thudding) (crowd jeering)

- [Man In Crowd] Kiss that one goodbye.

- He's not getting up. - What a shot.

(dramatic theatrical music)

- Mark.

Mark, hey.

Hey.

Stay down, stay down.

(laughing)

- I always wanted somebody to beat me up.

(laughing) No one ever would.

- Thank you.

- This was my final act

as Lord of Lynchboro.

My blood is red,

it isn't blue, it's red,

just like all of you.

You all grew up believing

that you owed the Volcheks.

Well the fact is that we owe you.

And starting today, I'm gonna start paying you back.

Volchek Mining and Logging will now be known

as Lynchboro Mining and Logging.

It will no longer be a private company.

It will go public,

and stock options will be divided

among all of its employees.

(crowd applauding)

Full scholarships to the State University

for all the former employees of the Tranquility Parlor.

We're all family.

So it's only natural that, with you as my witnesses,

I ask the former Lacey Marsay,

Miss Julie Johnson, to be my wife,

(crowd applauding) and that you all

come up to Gorslava for the wedding,

if she'll have me. (crowd applauding)

I probably owe you everything I have,

but what I'd really like to give you is my friendship.

Tell me how.

- You already have, my friend.

(crowd applauding) - Not to be personal,

but are you gonna marry him?

- He's on a cloud.

When he comes back down to Earth, we'll talk about it.

- Well, Roger, you were.

- LoCocco told me to give you this.

- [LoCocco] Frank, when you find Vince,

tell him we're even.

Goodbye, Buckwheat.

- We ain't gonna come after ya.

We're on the clock.

We're gonna wait for ya as long as it takes.

(dramatic theatrical music)

We're gonna wait for ya as long as it takes.

We're gonna wait for ya as long as it takes.

(dramatic theatrical music)

(gunshots firing)

(dramatic theatrical music)

(dramatic theme music)

(inspirational orchestral music)