Original subtitles

- [Man] Tonight on Wiseguy.

- Murder!

Murder!

- Stem's completely lost it.

I want you to take charge of the investigation, Kozak.

- All right, then we do it my way.

- Perhaps a freewheeling discussion on how

our town works will help you get to the bottom

of this tragedy.

- I'd like that very much.

- And maybe if we have time, we could see a movie.

- [Daniel] You got a serial killer there, Frank.

I just hope you're not ridin' with him.

- Cocoa? (dramatic music)

(screaming)

("Wiseguy Theme" by Mike Post)

- [Man] Previously on Wiseguy.

- Wake up, Lynchboro.

Lynch Kovak's comin' to town.

Get out!

- [Man] Ah!

Ah!

- Back off!

I'll beat your damn heads in.

- Am I gonna find out something you don't want me to know?

- Probably.

- He's a cop.

He was the best backup I ever had.

- [Man] You wanna get back into uniform?

Welcome to the sheriff's office, Deputy.

- They bought it.

You're inside.

- What's going on?

- He was gonna shoot ya.

- Were you going to shoot me, Bobby?

- Yes, sir.

- Get him out of here.

Get rid of him.

- Why are you givin' him to me?

- 'Cause Volchek told me to get rid of 'em.

- What am I gonna do with 'em?

- Keep him out of Lynchboro.

- Why?

What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna get close to Volchek

and I don't have a lot of time.

- Eh.

What's this?

- It's Bobby.

You told me to get rid of 'em.

- Ew!

To get rid of somebody means to me

to remove them from my personal space.

To you it obviously means something different.

- Mmm.

- Let's say if I want somebody to no longer

be here as in the expiration of their mortal existence.

You understand what I'm saying?

- Yeah.

You mean dead.

- Shh.

We won't use that word.

The word we'll use is ah...

Marek.

If I say to you we'll let Marek handle this,

it'll mean, you know, like Bobby.

- Marek.

- Marek.

It's a name in the movie.

- Ah.

- You'll come and watch it.

- Yeah, sure.

- Thank you, Deputy Kozak.

- Okay, okay.

- And ah, no more Marek.

- Yeah.

- Limitations are given to us by our leaders.

By accepting them our life is made better.

Remember that it was only through the efforts of Moses

that the Israelites reached the promised land.

In the desert the Israelites recognized their limitations,

their need to be led,

so that they could reach the land of milk and honey.

(man coughing in background)

If I might digress,

I noticed that the newest member of the community

is finally with us today.

(man coughing in background)

And as the Israelites welcomed the hairy Hittite

to their bosom, let us welcome Vinnie Kozak.

(organ music)

All rise.

- Page 41, Vinnie.

♪ Shall we gather at the river

♪ Where bright angel feet have trod ♪

♪ With its crystal tide forever ♪

♪ Flowing by the throne of God

♪ Yes, we'll gather at the river ♪

- Well, I guess it's back to the old speed trap, huh?

- No work today, Vinnie.

Today's the slug fest.

- Slug fest.

♪ With the saints at the river

♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪

(punches smacking)

♪ Yes, we'll gather at the river ♪

♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪

♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪

- Come on, Rev.

Bless 'em and let 'em rip.

- Boys, you know as well as I do

that we can't start without,

well, here we go.

- [Man] Hey.

Yeah, let's get this trouble goin'.

(punches smacking)

- Welcome to the Sunday slug fest.

Our champion, of course, is still Mike Sweeney

from the Shaven's Disposal Department.

(men cheering and applauding)

And our challenger is young Donny Wallavick.

- [Man] (laughing) That's the challenger, oh!

(men applauding)

- Your day, Donny.

Make the most of it.

- Thank you, sir.

- [Man] Come on, Sweeney!

- [Man] Come on, Sweeney!

- [Man] Let's go, baby.

Make it quick.

- Hit hard, boys.

And watch the good things happen.

(men cheering)

(punches smacking) (grunting)

(men cheering and jeering)

- He's doin' worse than me.

- What the hell's the matter with you?

(punches smacking)

(men cheering and jeering)

(punch smacking)

(men jeering) (crowd applauding)

- Donny, Donny.

Stay down, stay down.

You can't beat 'em.

Just stay out of it.

(grunting)

(punches smacking) (grunting)

(crowd jeering) (crowd applauding)

He's gonna kill him.

- This is a right of passage, Vincent.

He has to become a man.

(men jeering)

(punch smacking) (grunting)

(crowd applauding)

(crowd jeering)

- [Man] Come on, Donny.

- [Man] Take him out, Donny.

(punch smacking)

- [Man] Hey, get 'em now, get 'em now.

Come on, baby.

(punch smacking)

- [Man] Stay down, man.

Stay down.

- [Man] Stay down, Donny.

(punch smacking) (grunting)

- [Man] Hit him one more time.

- That's it.

That is enough!

- I'll tell you enough.

- That's enough! (punch smacking)

- Kozak!

I want to speak with you immediately.

- Come on, Donny.

Come on.

Get up.

Come on, let's go.

(platform whirring)

- Reverend Adams, when Sweeney recovers,

take him over to the Corvette Club

and make sure he gets the Sunday special, on me.

Stemmer, take it from here.

- Meal time, boys.

Let's eat!

- Kozak.

Kozak!

Get away from that boy and get back to the office.

Get Donny and bring him to me immediately.

- I didn't want Kozy to help.

He did it on his own.

- I like him, Donny.

I really like him.

But I'm afraid of what I might say to him at this moment.

Walk with me.

- You've got to let me try it again.

Please, I wanna fight Sweeney without Kozak stoppin' it.

If you don't go through slug fest, you're not a man.

I'm sorry.

- Donny, it's not a matter of contrition or repentance.

It's a matter of attrition.

The grinding down of friction.

Or as in this case the bare knuckles of the slug fest,

so that I am able to retire the boy

and introduce the man,

the deputy, the happy citizen.

And as a result, when the town sees you in uniform,

they'll know you've earned it

and the respect it deserves.

- But for now I'm a disgrace.

- Of course, Donny, but I promise you,

I'll get you another shot at getting pounded.

Faster than you can say Jack Dempsey,

we'll have that one eye looking just like the other one.

Now grab yourself some me time, Donny,

and come on back and have some lunch.

Yes, sir.

By this time next Sunday,

we're gonna have you standing on Main Street

in a pair of dark glasses and a cane and a cup.

- Oh no.

- Donny, what is it?

- Oh no.

(soft dramatic music)

- Red, get Stemmer!

Jeff, give him a hand.

(soft dramatic music)

Stem, help Donny!

- My pals.

Those are my pals.

Someone stole them like a thief in the night.

- Attitude, Stem, attitude!

Get them out of there.

A quick prayer.

Men, for two of our finest.

- Murder.

Murder!

Murder!

Murder!

Murder! (sobbing)

Murder! (sobbing)

Oh, my boys.

Murder!

(dog barking in background)

Last time we were together we,

we shared a plug of Red Indian chew,

and talked about going to Copenhagen.

- They were fine men, Stem.

- They were good dancers, too.

- Stem's completely lost it.

(man vomiting)

This is a quiet, little town, Vince.

Nothing, and I mean nothing happens here.

Tranquility is my silent partner.

I want you to take charge of the investigation, Kozak.

- Oh yeah?

- Now's the time for initiative, Vince.

I'll make it worth your while.

- All right, then we do it my way.

- All right, but no Marek.

At least I don't want to know about it.

Deal?

- All right, the first thing we do is

get these bodies on ice until your forensics

department can take a look at 'em.

Then we'll drag the river.

- You think we've got a forensic department here?

Right now all I got is a local meat locker

and a bridge troll for sheriff.

- All right, then we need to bring in an expert.

- Forget it.

- And the next thing we need is a federal investigator.

- Fed?

What the hell?

- You think you're the only guy that has

somebody in their pocket?

I got this friend.

(sighing)

- Vincent.

(car doors slamming)

- Look at it this way.

How long you think Rogo's gonna let you

handle this by yourself?

This case is a loudmouth's paradise.

He's gonna have outside help here in hours.

(sobbing)

- Oh no!

No! No!

(sobbing)

- Frank.

We got trouble here.

- 0h, swell.

Give me the highlights.

- Two dead cops.

- [Frank] You're kiddin'.

- Those are the guys that have been missin'

for a couple of weeks.

- I'm on my way.

You need anything?

- Bring me a forensic pathologist.

- Something finally went wrong in a big way, Mark.

What are you gonna do?

- Lower your voice, Rogo.

- What do you mean lower my voice?

I think we all should hear what you're gonna do.

- It's a case of what should we all do, isn't it?

I mean, tragedy is indiscriminate.

You of all people, Rogo, should know that.

- That's right.

Act like you're in control.

- Stem's way too close to all this.

I've placed Deputy Kozak in charge.

- Mark, these two are cops.

We need the state to investigate this.

- He's right.

We need outside help.

- I agree.

But why rely on the state when we can have

a federal investigator?

(sighing)

- All right, listen up.

A forensics expert

and a federal investigator will be here in a few hours.

Cops will not allow other cops to be murdered.

Now please go home

and let us carry on with our investigation.

I said go home!

Now go on, move!

- An 18-year-old boy vanishes.

Two bodies mysteriously appear.

What the hell's goin' on?

- Stay calm, damn it.

- Why should I?

- Because hysteria is contagious.

I'm putting you on the bench for this one, Stem.

Vince is gonna quarterback the investigation.

- But the situation, the particular--

- You're out on thin ice and you are

jumping up and down.

Take some time, Stem.

Relax.

So, you're a man of medicine, Krall.

Krall.

- Whenever the master says do this thing, I do it.

Whatever the thing may be.

(dramatic music)

Call for the robin red breast and the wren.

Since o'er shady groves they hover.

And with leaves and flowers

do cover the friendless bodies of unburied men.

(scoffing)

(soft acoustic guitar music)

- What a waste.

(electronic beeping)

- Yeah.

- [Stem] Donny.

Donny, is Mark there?

- Yeah, he's right here.

- What?

- Kozak's fed has arrived at the meat locker.

You want me to--

- No.

I want to talk to this man alone.

You stick with Kozak.

Pace is on pal, Donny.

(soft dramatic music)

(horse hooves clomping)

- Mr. Volchek?

- Yes.

How'd you know?

- Oh, just a wild guess.

I'm Frank McPike.

I have the forensics men inside.

It's nice to meet you.

Hello, Rizzo.

Say hello to Mr. Volchek.

- Hello.

- So how's it goin'?

- Looks pretty cut and dried, Frank.

Gonna have to take him back to Portland, though.

- Portland?

That's impossible.

I want this thing done now!

Mr. McPike.

(sighing)

Kozak assured me you knew the parameters here.

I was told you had an arrangement.

- And a murder's a murder,

and I'm a federal officer.

The bodies have to be dealt with by the book.

- But the book doesn't have to leave the library, does it?

Let's just call it a reference book.

You can study it as long as you want.

Just don't take it from the reading room.

- I still have a job to do.

- I've got a town on the edge of hysteria, Mr. McPike.

Don't rattle cages when sleep is what they need.

- Questions still have to be asked.

- I shall gather the worried at a friendly place

and quell their darkest fears.

I want nothing to disturb the tranquility of my town.

(horse neighing)

- Hi-ho, Silver.

- Everything wrong with this town has to do with Volchek.

And everybody knows it.

- What exactly is it that's wrong, Rogo?

100% employment?

Swell schools?

Free cable TV?

No.

What I think everybody knows is wrong is you.

- Now Volchek is ultimately responsible for the murders.

- Well, that's speculation.

I need evidence.

What would be his motive?

- I'm tellin' you, you can't do this by the numbers.

I mean, there's not gonna be a Colonel Mustard

in the library with a wrench.

Right, Stem?

You want a motive?

Control.

You want a murder weapon?

This whole bloody town.

- And I'm tellin' you that's not good enough.

- He's nuts.

Sits in that empty house,

watchin' that same terrible movie

over and over and over again.

- Mmm-hmm.

Bad taste in film is not a criminal offense.

- Yeah, well just wait till you've seen it.

- The two dead men.

They were practically Volchek's bodyguards.

You check what they really did for a livin'.

- They were duly appointed deputies

in charge of the peace in this community.

If Mr. Volchek sought their help in regards

to various industries--

- Stem, you're turnin' into an old whore.

- If you weren't a cripple I,

I'd mop the floor with you.

- Just like old times, huh, Stem?

Only Volchek's not around to give you a hand, huh?

Go on, Stem.

Take a shot.

- You, you pee wit.

- Something is terribly wrong here.

The whole town's scared.

Go see for yourself.

Something is unraveling delightfully.

- [Vince] Let's go over to the Tree Top Inn.

Let's find Volchek.

- Stem, one more thing.

I know those two were your buddies.

And I know how much you must be hurtin' inside.

I'm sorry.

- I appreciate everyone's concern.

These deaths are tragic.

But please, folks.

There's nothing to worry about.

Rick.

- Uh, Mr. Volchek.

We're all scared.

I mean, heck, Tesla was a big, strong guy.

And now Stem is saying somebody killed him?

- Here they are, folks.

The men of the hour.

Allow me to introduce Frank McPike, federal investigator.

- Are, are you really a dick?

- Federal investigator.

(applauding)

- Yes, sir.

A federal investigator.

I am going to take care of this, folks.

Just like my father did when you all

needed health insurance, hmm.

Just like his father did during

the Thanksgiving Day mining collapse of '31.

The key here is to cooperate fully with Mr. McPike.

And in the meantime,

concentrate on the good things of our town.

We all have jobs.

We don't lock our doors.

And our kids love to sing.

- Well, he's pretty smart.

I thought you said he was insane.

- Just wait till you visit Gorslava.

- The best thing for all of you to do

is to get some sleep.

Max, Max.

Break out some brandy and give us all

a little warm up for our journey.

- You bet, Mr. Volchek.

- Kozak, get back to the office and wait for

the forensics report.

- That's a good idea.

- Now Mr. McPike.

May I invite you up to my house for a nightcap?

Perhaps a freewheeling discussion on how

our town works will help you get to

the bottom of this tragedy.

- I'd like that very much.

- And maybe if we have time, we could see a movie.

- A movie?

(engine revving)

You do know these road pretty well, huh?

- Just like the town,

the mine, the mill.

They're my responsibility, my product.

I've been in the family for almost a century.

- Lived here your whole life?

- I will always live here.

(phone ringing)

You have reached the wheels of Gorslava.

- [Daniel] Can I talk to Frank McPike?

- Whom may I say is calling?

- This is his superior.

Put him on.

- He's right here.

Go ahead.

- It's procedure.

McPike.

- Can you talk?

- Sure, go ahead.

I'm right here with Mr. Volchek.

- Those two deputies.

They drowned after being bound with 20-pound cord.

- Is it about my men?

- Please.

- They were rendered unconscious by a shot

from a stun gun to the base of the skull.

They gun had apparently been lethally modified.

Well, I ran this through the computer, Frank.

And a number of large bells went off.

I mean the Big Ben type.

- Keep going.

- The MO, it matches the murders of eight girls

in the Portland area.

You got a serial killer there, Frank.

The stun gun killer to be exact.

(sighing)

I just hope you're not ridin' with him.

(soft dramatic music)

(engine revving)

- [Woman] Suggesting that you have no time for love?

- There have been no others, Maude.

(roller skates clanking)

- [Woman] You must be tired from your trip.

- Cocoa?

(clearing throat)

- Thank you.

- [Woman] In the meantime Krall will show you

to your chambers so that you may refresh yourself.

I will ring for him.

- May father raised the most beautiful,

delicate orchids.

Very difficult.

He had to keep them at the same precise temperature.

Parcel out moisture most carefully.

And above all, protect them from

the slightest draft from outside.

- Hell of a job.

- I practice my passion on the town.

My own little hot house flower.

I've made it into a colorful, tremulous orchid.

So similar to what my father did,

but I think more beautiful.

- Well, congratulations.

- Do you know much about orchids?

What makes them so beautiful is

that they require a specialized pollination

because of a twisted ovary.

- Are you saying?

- Poor Sir Robert.

- [Mark and Krall] Here are your chambers, sir.

I trust you will find things to your liking.

If not--

- [Mark and Robert] Well, I'm sure I will.

Oh, the maidservant.

I must treat the leech punctures on her face.

- [Mark and Krall] She's resting, sir, as you advised.

I've taken the liberty of painting her face

with hot compresses and a disinfectant tincture.

- [Mark and Robert] Oh, excellent.

So you're a man of medicine, Krall?

- [Mark and Krall] I am a man of all works, sir.

When my master says Krall, do this thing, I do this thing,

whenever it may be.

- [Mark and Robert] Oh, most commendable.

- [Mark and Krall] Thank you, sir.

(soft dramatic music)

(pager beeping)

- Uh, excuse me.

I have to use your phone.

- Shall I mute Sir Robert?

- Uh, sure, please.

And do you suppose that I might have

another cup of cocoa?

- Most certainly, sir.

(laughing)

(door clicking)

(phone ringing)

- Hey Uncle, what's up?

- Frank, all hell is about to break lose.

There's a 40-man stun gun killer task force

heading your way and they could be

there as early as tomorrow morning.

- All right, it'll blow Vince's cover.

You tell 'em he's gotta get out of here.

- Yeah, yeah, I tried to, but he's convinced it's Volchek.

He's headin' up there right now to move in for the kill.

- He's on his way up here?

- Yeah, and he's got the sheriff

and a woman named Lacey with him.

I tried to stop him, Frank, but I couldn't.

I'm sorry.

- All right, Uncle, thank you, I appreciate it.

- There are many of the little feathers,

all most eager to know you better.

They will cover you from your face down

the whole length of you.

All the way down to your toes.

- No!

No, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't do that, Krall!

- [Krall] Yes, yes, yes.

- [Woman] No!

(evil laughing)

No!

No!

No!

Ah!

- Do you like the leeches?

- Stop! Stop!

I'll tell you, I'll tell you!

- [Stem] Your man doesn't like surprises.

- Your deputies drowned after they were

tied together with 20-pound nylon cord

and shocked into unconsciousness with a stun gun.

The MO matches that of a serial killer

who is sought after in five states,

including Washington.

So Lacey, who likes to get weird down at

the Corvette Club?

- I don't think that's any of your business.

- All right, look.

Now I need some straight answers here.

There's eight women dead.

There's eight brutal murders.

Now you drop the riddles, honey.

Who likes it rough?

- Lynchboro's strictly missionary position, Bill.

I got two zebra costumes the Carleson twins

use on Valentine's Day.

(Stem laughing)

And the Reverend Adams likes to come in

every two weeks dressed in a leather tux

and wants to be called Wolfy.

That's about it.

- Well what about Volchek?

- He's not weird.

Just very selective.

- All right, all right.

Of the people that use you or should use you,

who doesn't?

- You mean besides you?

- Yeah, besides me.

- I don't gamble, either.

- Mmm-hmm.

(engine starting)

- Grave robbing.

You know, both my father and grandfather

are here at Gorslava.

- I should plan a picnic.

- More cocoa?

- [Frank] No, please.

- Why don't we stop this right here.

- We got a problem here.

- Has there been a break in the case?

- Those two deputies were whacked

by a serial killer.

Eight girls from here to Portland

were killed in the same way.

Now there's gonna be a task force

of 40 up here in the morning.

- I gotta get back to the sheriff's office

so I can hook up with Portland OCB.

- And whatever you got goin' here,

you better tidy it up.

- Well, first...

We've got to think of the hospital.

- How could this affect the hospital?

- Has your gyroscope been so completely altered

that you can't grasp priorities?

Gentlemen, I suggest we talk.

- We don't have time to talk.

- Hold on a minute, Frank.

- This affair is going to generate nothing

but bad publicity for our community.

It will affect plans for my hospital.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist

that we take this investigation slowly and quietly.

- You don't ask federal agents to go

slowly and quietly.

- Don't ever tell Mr. Volchek what he can or can't do.

- Oh brother, I'm going back to town.

Vinnie, I need a ride.

(door slamming)

- Get the cop in the pocket back in your pants.

(laughing)

Initiative.

Strong arm initiative.

(door slamming)

I've really gotta think about this.

I've really got to think about this.

(door slamming)

Everything is teetering on the edge.

The hospital.

The culmination

of decades of work.

The instrument of my dreams

now fast becoming another kingly fantasy.

I won't stand for it!

I simply will not have it die this way.

Absolutely no one to turn to.

40 men tomorrow morning.

It has to be dealt with tonight.

I don't mind saying that you certainly

are a very big part of the problem, Stemmer!

And the dance solo

in three feet of water

with two dead men really didn't help the situation.

No, not at all.

Not at all.

On the other hand, you've come about as far

as a human doorstop could go.

You should consider yourself a success.

Well say something, Stemmer!

Say something!

- I, I'm sorry.

- You're sorry.

Well, in lieu of the parachute, here's a hanky.

No.

No, task force won't do at all.

Not at all.

My family's immortality

is going down the toilet.

And you say you're sorry.

(soft dramatic music)

What to do?

What to do?

- [Daniel] Frank, are you intending to leave Vinnie in play?

- No, I agree with you, Uncle.

Vinnie's out of here before the task force arrives tomorrow.

- They all fan out from Lynchboro.

There's no way you can blow that task force off.

- Mr. McPike.

I have some bad news.

- VCR broke?

- I'm taking over this investigation.

This is a local matter, it should be handled locally.

- You can't bully the federal government, Mr. Volchek.

- Dammit, this is my town!

I know it by heart!

You see?

A local matter.

I can't wait for the task force.

By then the news will be all over town.

The tranquility of this community will be gone,

maybe forever.

- Maybe that's good.

- Forever's a long time.

I know that firsthand.

- Don't play God, Mr. Volchek.

- I have to!

I have to!

Without me everything will crumble!

Melt!

McPike, you've gotta give me a shot.

- Now what could you possibly do in one evening?

- I'll tell you what.

We were three and seven my senior year.

Volchek was all-state.

What more do you need?

- Shut up, Stem.

What do you say, McPike?

- Go ahead, Frank.

Let him do it.

- Okay, what?

- Man or woman?

- [Frank] What?

- Is the killer a man or a woman?

- 99.9% of the time it's a man.

- 15,000 people in the county, half men.

We're down to 7500.

We can eliminate children as well.

That's another 1200 out.

- You can take out the old folks, too.

At least over 60.

- Another 1000.

Puts us at 5300.

10,000 people in 30 seconds.

We'll have this guy nailed within the hour.

What about shut-ins, the infirm,

lunatics, cancer, AIDS, toothaches,

can't drive, afraid to drive,

broken limb, broken car?

I'm gonna give myself another 300 on that.

- All right, that's pretty good.

You're down to 5000 and counting.

- 5000.

5000.

My God, he travels.

If he is in this town, he travels.

We just hit gold.

Stem, go through the business directory.

Other than my companies,

there can't be that many men who travel

out of Lynchboro on a regular basis.

The comings and goings of this town are my lifeblood,

my life, my job.

Stem, move it!

National poster boy for REM sleep

and he's the captain of my team.

How long has this guy been at it?

- Well, we have eight girls plus your deputies.

Possibly could be more.

- I'm sure.

The last thing I picture about this guy

is slothfulness.

- [Frank] All right, if you're going by the book,

you're looking at a 30-year-old.

- That's another 2000 out.

Where are we?

- [Frank] 3000.

- 3000.

A handful.

Now we need to get lucky.

(exhaling)

Dammit, Stem.

You're looking at the lumber employees.

Those are mine, I know those.

It's the other folks that you are looking for.

Snap to, will ya?

We need travelers.

(sighing)

Intangibles.

McPike, give me some odds and ends

that will shake something loose.

- Like what?

- Ah.

Education.

Can this guy read and write?

- Just the opposite.

He's probably well-educated.

- Probably well-educated.

What can we say?

College?

Now be careful here.

We're about to turn a corner.

This is a big one.

- All right, for the sake of this exercise

let's say college.

I'll give you that.

- College is about as popular around here

as bad breath on a dentist.

We just hit the 500 mark.

500 and counting.

What else.

- [Frank] Alcohol abuse.

- 400.

- [Frank] Drug abuse.

- 375.

- History of mental illness in the family.

- 375.

- Eldest son.

(book slamming)

- Come on, Stem.

Get with it!

Who travels?

Help me!

- What?

- Firstborn son.

They're usually the ones that--

- Why the hell didn't you say that before?

We are home.

The town is as good as resealed

and back in the fridge.

I'll have this guy in my office

in his jammies in an hour.

Vince, get Red and Jeff in here.

We've got some wake up calls to make.

How many eldest sons can there be who travel

and don't work for me?

10?

12?

Challen and Davis at the water and power company.

The surveyor, Lindbergh.

I'll take it from here, Speed.

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't the old welders of Gorslava.

- [Mark] We don't need the press here, Rogo.

- We got a serial killer in town?

- It's been taken care of.

- [Rogo] By who?

- Oh, come on.

You're kidding.

- [Mark] Don't be so little, Rogo.

Stifle your petty views and fears and help me out.

- Rogo, who do you know that travels

back and forth to Portland on a regular basis?

- I'm lookin' at 'em.

(tape ripping)

- What is the matter with you, Stem?

(sighing)

Travel, that's the key.

We're gonna have this guy bound and gagged

and waiting on the edge of town

for the task force tomorrow.

I'm one.

Stemmer.

The bus driver Omquist.

- If they don't like Portland,

how do they expect to like Copenhagen?

It's all the way over there in Denmark.

Portland.

We ate at a place called The Haven.

Special of the day was Cajun shark

and french fries with Bearnaise sauce.

Oh, God.

I hate Bearnaise sauce.

Then I took 'em down the road

to the Columbia River and we did a blond.

They just stood there.

Didn't seem to enjoy it at all.

I mean, they liked the first half, I guess.

Kissing, romance.

You know, that roughhewn courtship completion part.

But then they just stood there.

Well, what kind of friends were they if

they didn't like doing a blond?

You know, I even showed them the beauty part.

When you stun them,

and just before they go,

their uvula quivers like an opera singer.

You can only do it once,

but it's really fascinating.

I let them watch and they didn't even like it.

Oh, Mark.

Your concern, I'm sure, is over mileage and gas money,

what with all the traveling I did.

But don't worry, it didn't cost the department anything.

My car has a diesel engine so I could

just leave it running the whole time.

And I used two sets of keys.

Leave one in the ignition and lock the doors.

One time I left it running all day.

Gauge was still on full.

So don't you worry about mileage.

I kept receipts.

41 girls.

Yeah.

I had my own sorority.

I felt a thigh. (chuckles)

I got pictures, too.

Despite their state, I think some of 'em

look remarkably lifelike.

This one's Lillian.

And this is a picture of Lillian.

Ah, here's a picture of Lillian.

That one's, that one's Lillian.

You know, for awhile there I thought I could stop,

go to Los Angeles.

Maybe I could get on Jeopardy.

I've always wanted to be on Jeopardy.

I'm real good at it, too.

By hairy hands their nell was rung.

(taser clicking)

You know, Mark.

The last thing I'd ever do is hurt the hospital.

God, I never thought I'd feel this way.

I just plain feel crappy.

Well, it's all crap, isn't it?

(taser ticking)

Hmm?

- Stem!

- Everybody stand back.

He's a live wire.

(body thumping) (soft dramatic music)

(electricity zapping)

- Vince?

Vince?

(breathing heavily)

- [Vince] No more, Frank.

No more.

I have no authority here.

You have no authority here.

- Vince!

- [Vince] Just holes in the ozone, Frank.

- Vince!

Vince!

(soft dramatic music)

("Wiseguy Theme" by Mike Post)

(bright orchestral music)