Original subtitles

Written by MarineSWS (for the Cantonese version)

1.1 Why does it take so long ready?

Hurry up! Do you want to be punished?

Unicorn

Your Majesty.

Why aren't they here yet?

Great move, Your Majesty.

Come and help.

Grab the chicken...come on...

Madam is here.

so finally she has come.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

I have been waiting for you for a long time.

Honey, shouldn't you shave your face?

Your beard hurts me.

I did shave it this morning,

but as Your Majesty has noticed, it has grown back.

What can I do?

Well...I got a beard too.

It's a tie then.

Yes, Your Majesty. Let's go to the bedroom.

There are so many beautiful concubines in the palace.

Why does His Majesty always choose the ugly Madam?

The Empress chooses her for His Majesty.

so His Majesty only knows two women.

And the Empress would be the most beautiful one.

Your Highness, the magic mirror from Japan has arrived.

Ha...

Honey, why do you always eat first?

Your Majesty, don't be mad at me.

I'll chop off your head, bastard.

Royal Secret Guards, help!

Royal Secret Guards are here.

Royal Dragon

Royal Rabbit

Royal Snake

Royal Tiger

Who send you here?

Go!

see, my Royal Secret Guards...

protect me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Are you sure?

What did you say?

Japanese.

How come you can speak Japanese?

Because...

Help!

All your Royal Secret Guards are gone.

Wrong.

There is one left.

Help!

Don't worry, Your Majesty.

I am coming.

What is this?

It's the Golden Lock, my new invention.

Beat him up... Yes, Your Majesty.

As a Royal Secret Guard,

I am now putting you under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent, but whatever you say...

will be used as evidence in court.

What is this then?

That's our famous. . .

...human shield.

We enjoyed putting it in public toilets to scare people.

It can be used as a weapon, too.

I am going to get him, Your Majesty.

Madam, this magic mirror can answer any question you ask of it.

Magic mirror, tell me who is the most beautiful woman in the world?

Your Highness, it's you of course.

Really?

No. Just kidding.

What did you say?

Hit me? You wanna die?

What's up? Robbery!

My goodness!

Help!

sorry for coming so late, Your Highness.

Give him a beating.

Let me.

You bastard, you ruined everything.

I am gonna beat you to death.

How come you run so fast?

It's high enough, I am gonna let go.

Thanks.

Royal Dog is really awesome, Brother you are so cool.

Be careful.

I got it.

You'll better disarm and surrender.

Or I will use force.

Whistling for help?

Again.

Bastard, I need to use the cannon.

Look.

Our warriors died for our country.

Eternal umbrella!

Not dead yet.

Hi!

Royal Secret Guards...

love to drink Girlie's Red Wine.

Girlie's Red Wine? What is the matter?

Your Majesty, Girlie's Red...

is the company which sponsors Royal Dog's scientific research.

The Eternal umbrella is made with their money.

I hate product placements in movies.

Execute them!

Yes. Your Majesty!

Royal Rat

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty wants to know...

where did you go last night?

I...

Royal Rat.

You have been practising the "Mighty Iron Body" kung-fu, right?

In case His Majesty is under attack,

then you must use your Mighty Iron Body to shield His Majesty!

Last night, you were still practising,

so you didn't shield His Majesty, right?

Yes, Your Majesty.

I guess that he went to the brothel last night instead of practising kung-fu.

Yeah, why have they got clouds over their heads?

Come on, let's drink...

Royal Rat has been such a loyal servant.

You will be rewarded with a thousand taels of gold,

500 taels should be enough.

Your Majesty, the other 500 taels, how about split it among us...

as our reward?

Last night, Royal Dog and Royal Tiger had worked hard to protect His Majesty.

You two tell me how the money should be divided.

I just want to show Your Majesty my new invention.

Another new invention?

Okay, show it to me.

Your Majesty, this is my new invention...

that will give you full protection.

It's the impenetrable...

Transformer armour.

With this armour, even if all 12 of us are killed,

no one can. . .

...hurt you.

Really?

Yes, Your Majesty.

The beauty of this armour is that...

even a person who doesn't know kung-fu,

when he wears this, he will become a great kung-fu master.

No one can stop him.

Let me try this on...

How does it feel, Your Majesty?

It looks great, but it's too heavy.

I can hardly walk at all. How could I fight?

Your Majesty, with this armour, you don't have to fight at all.

What are you doing? Be respectful.

Your Majesty, when you turn this spring,

it will move on its own.

How does it feel, Your Majesty?

A bit itchy.

Your Majesty, I will try harder.

After wearing the helmet, you are ready to fight, Your Majesty.

Let's go.

That's fun...

Royal Dog, what other functions does it have?

Press the right button and Your Majesty can fly.

Fly...that's awesome. I fly. . .

It works.

Fly...

How does he come down?

Royal Dog, I felt dizzy. How can I come down?

Well, to descend from the sky...

I haven't figured that out yet, Your Majesty.

Never mind, I guess Your Majesty can bump against something and come down.

You're dead, Royal Dog, as soon as I come down.

Royal Dog is in big trouble this time.

His Majesty is coming this way.

What a narrow escape!

Oh no...

Oh my armour...

Your Majesty, my brother is just self-indulgent.

He doesn't mean to do you any harm.

And my brother has always been a weakling.

He will die if Your Majesty keeps hitting him like that.

Please pardon him, Your Majesty.

His butt hurts, right?

Flip him over.

The 500 taels of gold reward will be confiscated...

and every one of you will be deducted 3 months' salary too.

Am I seeing ghosts?

Don't frighten me !

I am here.

I don't mind you coming to see me,

but why show up in the middle of the night and scare the hell out of me?

What are you doing here, Faithfull?

I come here to do your laundry.

What laundry?

You always let those punks do your laundry.

How can they do it well?

Although I am just your fiancee,

I am willing to do your laundry.

I have no objection to your doing my laundry, just...

your parents oppose our marriage.

If I marry you,

they will bring me trouble.

I am not scared though.

What is this smell?

Tell me, are you having affairs with other girls?

There are maids in the palace.

It's common for those maids to...

put on make-up, right?

I like you because your thinking...

is different from others. You are smart.

A few days ago, you beat the assassins with rockets,

everyone in the market is talking about it.

Faithfull, if you are done with the laundry,

please go home.

If your parents know you are here,

they will rough me up.

Don't be afraid, my kung-fu is better than them.

I can protect you.

Really?

No way.

see, a daughter will always put...

her husband before her parents after she gets married.

Auntie, uncle, this is my place.

This is not your place.

Will you please knock before barging in?

We're used to barge in like this. Right.

Otherwise how can I find you get naked and corrupt my daughter?

How could you say that?

It's your daughter who barged in while I was bathing.

Are you saying that she saw you naked...

and she got horny and tried to rape you?

Exactly.

Mom and dad, are you done?

You are still young. I am worried that you'll be cheated.

We are already engaged since birth. I don't mind being cheated.

Baby, we won't force you to marry him.

But I want to marry him.

People will say that we are too autocratic.

Anyone who dares to say that, I will beat him up.

The son of Master Yin is handsome.

The son of General Hau is a nice fellow too.

He's so damn rich.

Look at him, he's as poor as a church mouse.

He'll be a wretched fellow his whole life.

Auntie, uncle, please mind your words.

I say what I think. So what?

Auntie, uncle, please don't force me to fight against you.

Force your hand?

I am gonna beat you up, you punk...

Come on over if you dare.

Let me go.

You good for nothing punk. We are here, how's that?

Don't you dare stay here and not move.

Okay, we won't move then.

Whatever happens, you won't move.

Of course.

I won't move anyway.

Just don't move then.

Don't move! Let me tell you... Okay, how's that?

Really?

If you guys don't move, I can't do anything.

What are you doing?

Come and take a look...

This one is wonderful.

Do you know the air we breathe in are mostly useless gases,

except one useful gas calls "oxygen".

According to the Western scholars, 2 units of certain elements...

together with 1 unit of this "oxygen" will combine into water.

smell it.

Do you smell that? Isn't it refreshing...

smell again, you will feel great.

Yes, it feels great.

You don't have to hit me though.

The most wonderful thing is that...

it will make the fire burn brighter.

I am still working on it.

Honey.

We are not kids anymore,

should we...

Faithfull, if you want to say anything,

please write it down and put it there.

I will read it after the experiment.

A few days ago, a friend of mine,

brought me some liquid which can clean our hairs.

I just can't use it without...

understanding what it consists of. Right?

If someone uses it and his hairs become dry or...

oily, or he gets dandruff...

I would blame myself also.

But my hairs look like this...

after using this liquid.

If you use this,

your hairs will look like mine too.

He is so late, it is already well past midday.

Damn it!

With my looks, I don't believe no one will fall for me.

I am gonna dump him.

Handsome guy!

Wanna have lunch with me?

It's so disgusting. Leave her alone.

Let's go.

You made me lose face, I am gonna kill you.

I am so mad.

Are you okay, miss?

I am fine.

Let's go!

There's a handsome guy.

Bro, what's wrong with that girl?

Don't be nosy.

Waiter. Yes.

3 dishes and a soup, please hurry.

Alright, how about deep fried spareribs, braised chicken,

boneless fish and soup of the day.

What do you think?

As the dishes are ready, let's eat then.

Fight!

Great move!

Good!

Stop!

You scums, you couldn't even beat two punks .

No meals for you guys today.

Are you the children of Mr. Yuen?

Every one is Mr. Yuen's child. He loved the people like his own children.

Young people are stubborn.

This eunuch is a superb kung-fu master.

They are not his equal, they will be dead for sure.

Its so powerful!

Let's meet up tomorrow lunch.

What a potent poison.

I have to drive the poison out for him.

But unmarried men and women must not touch each other.

If I take off his clothes, I will be looked upon as a slut...

Let me pass my "life-force" to him through the mouth.

Am I out of my mind?

I am still a virgin.

If I kiss his mouth, then I will have to marry him.

But he is so handsome. Marrying him is not a bad idea.

Alright, then!

No way!

How come he looks so handsome, but his chest is...

so soft?

He's a girl?

It'll be great if he's a guy.

I will have to heal her.

Honey, you are back?

I am back.

I am so exhausted. I need to sleep.

We are going to sleep too.

Mom and dad, I am getting changed.

Did you hide a guy on your bed?

Of course not.

show it to me.

Who dares to get on my bed?

Is it that punk?

Royal Dog?

I have dumped him a long time ago.

That's good.

I'd like to sleep with you tonight.

Mom, you are getting REAL fat lately.

We can't sleep in this bed together.

That punk must be on the bed.

No.

Yes. No.

I swear that if he's here, I will put on 10 catty each day.

But if he's not here, you will get 10 years older each day.

If he's here, you'll have to listen to me.

If he's not here, you'll have to listen to me too.

That's the deal. That's the deal.

Auntie, uncle.

Why are you here?

Mom, you have to listen to me from now on.

I come to apologize to Faithfull.

she won't forgive you.

Even if she does, I won't forgive you anyway.

Uncle, I am a straight talking guy.

Please forgive me,

if I say something to offend you.

I can do that. I will not get upset easily.

Uncle, you are so mean and nasty.

I don't care if you don't forgive me.

Faithfull is so nice to me, I don't want to upset her.

What do you want?

Thanks for saving me. Why did you laugh with tears flowing down your face?

My fiance is confessing his love, keep quiet.

Uncle, didn't you say you will not easily get upset?

I am not upset...

I am very very upset.

Miss, will you do me a favour?

Uncle, will you please stop hitting me?

I have a gift for you.

What gift? What is it?

With this,

you don't have to squat in the toilet anymore.

I can lead the water from the mountain to here.

And flush away the excrements.

Going to the toilet will henceforth be an enjoyment.

How do you call this?

Dragon and Phoenix bucket.

sounds weird.

Then what will you call it?

Hero bucket. Beauty bucket.

It's your invention, just call it Dog bucket.

How about Shit bucket?

You should use a better name.

Just call it commode.

You are great, just call it commode.

Yeah. Right.

How do you do, auntie and uncle?

Who are you?

He's my man.

Honey, do you fool around?

He the prince of Big-Eaters-land, his name is Brad Pitt.

What?

I fall in love with your daughter at first sight.

I beg uncle and auntie to concur with our marriage.

Prince.

Faithfull.

You...

I have other suitors.

Even if you don't want me, I can marry someone else.

That's right.

Your Highness, please treat her...

well.

He's cute.

Don't you mind hurting him so much?

Oh please, of course I mind. It hurts like hell.

But if I don't hurt him, he won't appreciate how much I love him.

He will think that I am going to stay with him forever.

Then I'd better go.

I do wish to beat him up, but I can't.

A gentleman must control his emotions.

I must not cry, I should smile...

Hey, Royal Dog, you'd better watch out.

Be careful, or you will fall off the mountain.

Don't worry.

I am so damn unlucky that even misfortunes will stay away from me.

Thanks.

That's pathetic.

You look awful.

You are not a man, why should I care?

Go home and sleep.

That's pathetic...

Brother, if people see you cry like a baby... That's pathetic...

they won't respect us Royal Secret Guards.

I am deeply hurt, so I cried like a baby.

We are the idols for many palace maids.

Every move of ours can drive them crazy.

Really?

You don't believe me? Come on, bro.

Come on

That's a bit over the top.

Such bad taste.

Come on!

Bro, your crying over a heart-broken

that will make us lose face.

As Royal Secret Guards , besides protecting the emperor,

we have to keep the world in peace and the universe in unison.

Even if a monster from outer space falls down from the sky,

we will fix that, too.

You look like a monster now.

I can take that.

Let us be frank,

we are just security guards in the palace.

Royal Secret Guards my foot... Bro, security guards are humans too.

I guess you are suffering from an inferiority complex

Go to see the imperial doctor.

The imperial doctor won't give a damn about us.

Just go have a herbal drink. It will also cure you.

Go...

I better go home and take a bath.

Assassin! Fetch our buddies, go!

There...

Your Highness, I am Royal Tiger.

It's okay, it's the Royal Secret Guards.

Enjoy watching it?

Of course.

so gorgeous; so charming...

so beautiful; so bewitching...

No words can truly describe the beauty of Your Highness.

No wonder Mom told me that all men are liars.

Please forgive me Your Highness.

I am not being frivolous.

Your Highness, I see someone enter the palace.

This place is not safe.

Your Highness, please go back to your chamber.

You are the best of the Royal Secret Guards.

I should be safe with you around, right?

I will give up my life to protect Your Highness.

It's okay!

Get up, stay and have a chat with me.

I never expect that...

Your Majesty's daughter, Princess Rainbow, is so popular.

Because she looks like me.

The problem is that the four princes come at the same time.

Whom should we let her marry?

Who are they?

Prince Nectar from Sindhu.

Prince Falcon from Tazik.

Prince Smart from Izumo.

And Tokugawa Takuya, the younger son of General Tokugawa from Japan.

Your Majesty, the situation is very delicate.

We must not endanger the good relationship we have with these countries.

I think so too.

That is why I come to discuss it with you two.

I do have an idea.

Let's hold a competition to decide who will marry Princess Rainbow.

They must compete with each other.

The winner will be our son-in-law.

That's a good idea.

Your Majesty, give me a million taels of gold to buy new clothes.

You had already bought a lot of new clothes yesterday.

Your Majesty, the idea is good.

But the one who comes last...

would feel humiliated.

so I suggest we also send two of our men to enter the competition.

But they must come last, so that the princes will not be humiliated.

Yeah...that's a good idea.

That's a better idea than buying new clothes.

What should we call the competition?

How about "Princes Got Talent"?

No, that is not good.

How about "The Idol Prince"?

"Princes Got Talent" is a good name.

"The Idol Prince" is better.

"Princes Got Talent" is the best.

"The Idol Prince" is better than the best.

Why do you have to go against me all the time?

Let's call it the Perfect Husband of Princess Rainbow Competition!

Perfect Husband of Princess Rainbow?

Great!

Buy new clothes, I need to buy new clothes...

If I don't kill him now, I won't have another chance.

Looks like an assassin.

Your Majesty, I need to go to the toilet...

Your Majesty, he's gone.

Protect the emperor!

This assassin is a good fighter.

I think Ip Man is a better fighter.

Who is Ip Man?

I let you off yesterday, now you come again?

Heart-protecting armour?

Ducky...l am heart broken.

Iron the clothes, then take a shower again.

Then have a cup of herbal tea, again.

He's got a great body.

What am I thinking?

That assassin flew high and fast.

His kung-fu must be very good...

I have nothing to do with.

You! Dead mouse... What?

Where's spring?

Spring is here.

Bro.

You just told me to catch the assassin.

Why did you become so...

flirtatious all of a sudden?

He has fallen in love.

Are you sure?

This is how he feels to be in love?

Of course, take a look.

If a person does or says revolting things...

but does not feel embarrassed at all,

then he or she is in love.

He's changing too fast though.

Lord Unicorn, it is our honour to welcome Your Honour here.

Anything I can help?

Catch the assassin.

As Royal Secret Guards, our mission is to fall in love, no...

to woo the Princess...no...

to protect the emperor against His Majesty's enemies.

Now Your Honour came here to catch the assassin,

are you accusing us of sheltering the assassin?

It's hard to say. This is a strange world.

I think it is much ado about nothing.

Yes, so what?

Calm down, we are all on the same side.

Hold it, who says you're on my side?

He used to talk in this manner.

He is a sissy. You pig!

The Icy Palm martial art is nothing special.

Just a bit chilly.

Yeah, you don't have.

Bro, watch out!

Who is fighting out there?

Close the door.

Close the windows.

Turn off the light.

Release the dogs.

Huh? That would mean I release myself?

How come I can hear two persons' heartbeats?

The juice of firefly--- even the blind could see that.

You coward, where are you?

There is no one here.

You coward.

You can't beat me.

The mighty stick that can beat the hell out of you.

Attack me behind my back?

self-ventilating impenetrable armour.

My hand...

Again?

So big?

I will beat the shit out of you.

The Fire Kick.

BBQ Pork Knuckles!

It's done, that's it for today.

Bro.

I not to be blamed for this.

It is your new invention?

Obviously.

I am relieved that you are fine.

Don't worry, I already chased him away.

Why are you so cool?

No, I am not cool. I am just knowledgeable about science.

Alright, how long are you going to hug me like this?

Don't move now.

Bro...

Thank you for kicking that old wizard out.

Otherwise, we Royal Secret Guards will lose face.

I am afraid that he will accuse us of sheltering the assassin.

No, he won't.

He will be ashamed if everybody knows what happens tonight.

Right!

Assassin!

No...

Brad Pitt?

Why are you coming out from there?

I come here to watch you...

No, I...

I come to see you.

Who is he?

He's the man Faithfull loves.

He's called Brad Pitt.

You are the guy...

Royal Dog, although I want Faithfull to love me more,

I know now that you also love her deeply.

so we can have a fair duel and see who wins her heart.

You want to fight, punk?

No violence.

Okay, I accept your challenge.

Who are you?

I am your substitute.

Who are you?

I will use your identity to kill the Chinese emperor.

I will avenge the death of my buddies.

sister, this is our chance of staging a coup d'etat.

Why should we stage a coup d'etat?

Haven't you got money? I have a lot.

Have you no woman? I have dozens.

The emperor doesn't have a single penny in his pocket.

And I am the only woman he has.

He's bullied by me everyday.

I think he's pathetic.

Why do you want to take his place?

Well, what else can I do now,

other than staging a coup d'etat and be emperor myself?

Leopard.

Your Highness.

Kill Prince Nectar,

and also the emperor and Lord Unicorn.

Then we will have absolute power.

What about me?

I will give you the title The supreme Beauty of the Kingdom.

I love the new title.

Let's overthrow the emperor then.

Ha...OK...

Royal Secret Guards, order!

Today, four princes will arrive at the Imperial City to participate in the competition.

To maintain good relationship with our neighbouring countries,

We need to pick two men to enter the competition as well.

One MUST win,

and the other MUST come in last.

Your Majesty, this is a difficult and dangerous mission.

It needs to be handled well.

With your permission, I will take this mission...

for my fellow guards.

Royal Rat, you are a loyal servant.

You will join the competition.

Thank You, Your Majesty.

Just pick the worst Guard to be the one...

who will take the fall in the competition.

Him!

HIM?

Your Majesty,

in such an important competition, we need to have a substitute ready...

in case of accidents.

Alright, just pick someone...

to be the substitute.

Who wants to volunteer?

Thanks, bro.

Thanks, Your Majesty.

What?

I am just the substitute.

If nobody gets injured or sick, There'll be no need to be in the competition.

Am I not rolling down fast?

Kids, don't try this at home.

I am a trained professional.

He seem to be in great pain.

Stop bugging me, okay?

Alright.

See, I am now crippled.

Royal Dog, let me warn you,

you are supposed to lose in the competition.

You have to stay in the competition to the end no matter what happens.

I can't move, I am crippled!

Can he roll like that again?

attack me from behind my back...

I won't let you get away with this.

Rainbow.

Are you having wet dreams even in day time?

Get through the door, and there's another door.

Are you dreaming?

How do you know?

Rainbow?

Your Highness.

Get up.

What are you guys looking at?

Your room.

No.

We are working out how to protect His Majesty.

I heard that the four princes are staying at the hotel outside the Forbidden City, right?

Yes.

Royal Dog and I will go and meet them at the hotel.

I want to go too.

I'd like to see what they look like.

Your Highness, you can't ...

meet those princes...

in private...

Your Highness has to get permission from His Majesty.

I won't ask you if I have to ask for His Majesty's permission.

Come over here...

I will get changed and go out with you guys.

How's that?

The palace guards will recognise us.

They will see thru our scheme.

I thought you liked me.

Now I know you don't.

Of course I like you...

I...

I send you flowers.

Then you should think of a way to get me there.

You...

take off your clothes.

Will they believe it or not?

Who are they?

Those foreign princes are having a fight.

They are all very ugly.

Look, one of them almost lost all his hair.

That's lousy.

They are so ugly, I don't want to marry any of them.

I thought there were four of them. Why are there only three princes?

Where is the other one?

Brad Pitt?

He is so handsome.

Hold me.

He is so charismatic.

How dare you, Brad?

Faithfull loves you so much.

How can you ever want to marry the Princess?

Faithfull will be heart-broken.

A man should sow his seeds when he is young.

Besides, it's my father's instructions.

I can't disobey my father.

I forgot to tell you,

they used to call me Prince Handsome.

Faithfull likes to call me Handsome too.

Don't fool around because you are born handsome.

Can you stop fighting?

Otherwise I will put all of you in jail.

I am here to welcome all of you all, on behalf of His Majesty.

Tomorrow you will go to meet His Majesty.

No more fighting, just be friends, okay?

Who are you?

I am Tiger, the mighty guard from Central Plains.

This is my elder brother, Royal Dog.

Two punks.

After the competition, you will all be crippled.

Why should we be friends now?

Where's the Princess?

What the hell? I wana die...

This is so disrespectful to the Princess.

I don't care who the hell he is.

I just want to beat him up.

Me too! Yeah, me too.

Don't you dare, or we will beat you up.

Are all the handsome men in the country dead?

Your Majesty.

Long live the Emperor!

Everybody rise.

Thank You, Your Majesty.

Today I am going to choose a husband for the Princess.

The winner will be my son-in-law, the crown prince.

My son-in-law should be a kung-fu master and an educated man.

He should also love Princess Rainbow with all his heart and soul.

So, contestants will take part in two tests today.

First, the oral test.

Contestants must express their love to Princess Rainbow in Poetry.

Second, the IQ test.

And martial arts will be tested tomorrow.

Okay, who's first?

Tell Princess Rainbow how much you love her.

Me first.

Look at how strong I am.

With me by her side, no one will dare to offend the Princess.

Young fellow, you stink...

you'd better go home and wash up!

Next!

I am out of it.

Get out of my way!

How rude!

Awesome, another one...

That's enough! Go home, idiot!

That handsome fellow, you are next.

Your Highness, my love for you is like the evening star.

I can't take that...

Your Highness... Your Highness...

What should we do now?

You are embarrassing her Highness. Get lost.

Brother, you have practiced the whole night yesterday.

It's time to show us what you've got.

Your master move.

Brother, I am very nervous.

Why should you be nervous?

You were doing fine last night, go ahead.

Ready.

Go.

Your Highness, my love for you is so great that,

no matter how big the tempest, how violent the storm...

nothing is going stop me.

Whether you love me or not,

I'll be your protector all my life.

To keep you safe and happy.

Let me shoulder all your burden.

Okay, ready.

1,2,3, go.

Your...

What's wrong with you?

Bro, I am very nervous.

Why is that?

As soon as I look at her, I can't utter a word.

Well, don't look upon her as the Princess.

just pretend that she is our mother.

Or your most hated enemy, go ahead try it.

Father, am I that ugly? Father...

Royal Tiger, how dare you...

Throwing up in front of the Princess, that's insulting.

Take him away.

Royal Dog, I order you to make the Princess laugh.

Or else you will eat all of Royal Tiger's vomit.

Are you hungry?

Let's go!

Your Highness, if you were to ask me

how much I love you,

My love for you is as genuine as...

the moon.

Just a light kiss and I am deeply moved.

For an everlasting romance...

how could I forget?

Brother... Calm down...

Father...

I want to marry him.

Really? Wow, even THAT works?

Yes, I trust him. It will be great...

to be his father-in-law.

None of my business.

You can surely sweet-talk the Princess into marrying you but you can't fool me.

Alright, I will test your IQ.

Should it be on literacy?

I decide what test you will take!

Alright, go ahead.

A rare lamb chop and a medium rare beef steak

was put in the pan.

Why didn't they talk to each other?

Because they are not done.

A shark has eaten 50 catty of green peas,

what would it become?

Green pea congee!

Great!

The chief of a cannibalistic tribe suddenly wants to eat vegetables.

What should he have?

A veggie.

You go camping in the wilderness.

You get up at midnight, you can see stars in the sky.

And the Big Dipper is over your head

What would you think of?

The vast universe and the brevity of human life.

Wrong.

Your tent has been stolen.

If you are wrong again, you will be out.

How unreasonable is that...

Alright, ask away.

There's a foreign woman who doesn't know Chinese.

When she goes to buy chicken breast, she points at her own chest

and mimicks the chicken's crow.

she successfully buys chicken breast.

On the next day, she needs to buy dried sausage.

Instead of going herself, she tells her husband to go buy it, why?

Because her husband speaks Chinese.

Bravo! Brother...

You are forcing my hand to go to the extreme

You are forcing me to ask you

the unanswerable question.

You trying scare me.

In the middle of the night, a man is wakened by his child...

who cries because he is hungry.

Which part of the body should he use to feed his child?

His right foot. Why?

Because he kicks his wife to wake her up to feed the child.

I am pissed...

To me, such questions...

are a piece of cake, Your Highness!

Okay, I will announce the results for today.

Royal Dog, 6 points.

and the others...

zero points.

What?

Royal Dog is now the favourite to win this competition

Yes.

If he gets 2 points tomorrow...

Princess Rainbow will have to marry him.

But he doesn't know kung-fu.

Yeah, he cannot fight.

Yet still he managed to kill all the ninja assassins.

Lord Unicorn was fooled by him a few days ago.

Would it be a surprise if he beats all the other competing princes?

Then let this idiot marry the Princess.

In fact, I am fed up with him.

Don't you guys want me not to marry him?

It'd be fine for you to dump him.

But if he marries the Princess...

people will think that it is he who dumps you.

You will become an abandoned woman. What a shame!

Right, what should I do then?

stop him from entering the competition tomorrow.

How?

What is done cannot be undone.

You want me to...

No way.

My dear daughter, let's say...

someone snatches your husband, no one would believe that.

If the Princess

snatches your husband, everyone will believe that.

You will lose face! You will be humiliated!

But I don't know how to seduce men...

For your sake, your mother

I have to use my Ultimate skill.

I am lonely and lost.

Come on, honey, hold me tight...

keep me warm.

Hey, you two throw up?

Am I that disgusting?

Of course not. Mom, you are great.

I already know how to "snatch a husband".

I will use it on Royal Dog.

Honey, you can do it. Go get him.

Right! You can do it.

Get him...

Bastard.

Amida Buddha, for the rest of our life...

for rich or for poor

Please give us your blessing.

Let's see. Oh no! Double thumbs down!

It's a curse...

We are not blessed, we are doomed.

What should we do?

Wait...

Throw all the "bad fortune" sticks away

and replace them with blessing sticks

This time we won't be cursed, try again.

Amida Buddha...

Bastard!

Are you playing tricks on me?

Either give me a bad fortune stick

Or no stick at all.

I pay respect to you and ask for your blessing.

Otherwise I will have burnt down this temple.

so stop playing tricks on me.

Forget it...

We are not superstitious.

Let's go.

Go.

Amida Buddha is not even on my side this time,

Should I depose the emperor?

Your Majesty.

Where have you been?

I have been waiting for you the whole night.

I just went to the temple.

Your Majesty, do you love me?

I do.

You doesn't mean what you say.

Ask me again.

Your Majesty, do you love me?

You have to think hard.

Your Majesty,

if I have done something wrong, will you still love me?

I will.

What if it's a big big mistake?

How big a mistake is it then?

Depose you, for example?

Just an example...

That's treason! I will have to execute your whole clan.

But I will still love you.

What are you doing?

Nothing... I am just covering up my chest...

My dress has a plunging neckline.

I like to see the back of your head.

Turn around.

In fact you don't have to send the beautiful concubines

to work in the kitchen.

You are the only woman in the palace

that I really love.

Are you done with that?

Are you sweating?

Yes, Your Majesty.

I feel so weak and feverish when I see you.

You are having a fever.

I come at the wrong time.

Well, I'll return to my room, you'd better have some rest.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Bye.

sister...

What happened?

That bastard Taro says

We must kill Royal Dog to avenge his brother's murder

before he helps us depose the emperor.

Let him go and kill Royal Dog himself then.

But the Royal Secret Guards are watching over me like a hawk.

How closely are they watching you?

What should I do then?

Brother, do you still remember I learnt Ninjutsu?

I too am a ninja. I can transform too.

Right.

so...

Well, I will go kill Royal Dog.

Come on...

sister, looks like you are in the wrong costume.

Okay! I will transform again

Transform...

I am on my way.

Come back soon.

Once he has taken my "Frog" poison,

that will be the end of him.

Mr. Dog.

Who is it?

Damn it, he got away.

Marco Solo!

Mr. Dog, how are you?

What did you say?

How are you?

Where's the stuff I ordered?

It's all here.

Get down there.

Mr. Dog, let me tell you.

This is called a pistol or, to use a Chinese translation - the "fire pipe".

One shot from it can kill a person.

What if it misses?

If you miss, run like hell.

Why didn't they make one that can fire several shots?

That is a good idea!

How about you figure it out and make one yourself.

Don't point it at yourself, in case of an accident!

Really? Misfires so easily

No, don't point it at me.

Didn't you say it can fire one shot only? What are you scared of?

Anything else?

Mr. Dog, this is container you wanted.

What is it for?

To collect oxygen.

You Chinese know a lot.

Aren't you Chinese too?

Don't think that I didn't know you dyed your hair?

You are Mr. Ma

I am mixed-blooded.

Mixed-blooded my foot...

Chinese do have lots of inventions.

In fact, I know almost everything about science.

except two.

Is it about the universe?

No.

What is it then?

Women and love.

Women and love?

The Europeans are more romantic than the Chinese.

If you like a woman...

you sing a love song to her

and then kiss her.

Then she will love you with all her heart.

Kiss?

Like this?

Faithfull, it's so late, you look as if you are a quail in spring...

What are you doing?

How's it? Am I not pretty?

You must be the foreigner who swindled his money.

she is your girlfriend?

Yes.

His fiancee.

I am not disturbing you then. Be romantic...

Bye.

What's romance?

What? Romance?

That's a western thing, what would I know of what that is?

Why do you come here?

Don't you have to be with your Mr. Handsome?

I did that on purpose previously to make you jealous.

Do I look like a woman of easy virtue?

You do.

What did you say?

I'll kill myself if you don't believe me .

You look like you have been poisoned.

The chance is here again.

Don't cry so loud in the middle of the night.

People will think that I rape you.

Get me up... Get me up...

No.

Really?

Alright, alright!

I will kill you for sure.

Honey, I want to marry you as soon as possible.

And have many many kids.

You look like that you are gonna have your way with me.

Are you having a fever?

Honey, I am home alone...

I am so lonely and lost...

I am so cold...

I want you to hold me and give me warmth...

Your arms are so strong..

Have you tried the western way of wooing?

What western way?

We have to sing a love song first...

then kiss...

skip the singing part.

No peeping. Oh?

How does it feel?

A little bit...

A little bit dizzy.

There's something else.

I want to throw up.

Are you are enjoying it?

I have never tried THAT before.

Help.

I am crushed...

shit, she recognised me.

Help.

Are you gonna marry me?

Holding me now at ransom is it?

What was it you said lies underneath there?

Oh, I remember its the sewer.

My parents have been smelly for many days.

Honey...

I can't stand it any more.

Oh no, it's cut!

Honey...

You are going to withdraw from the competition tomorrow, you can't marry the Princess.

I don't want to marry her at all in the first place.

You are the only one I love.

Is it not you who dumped me?

I...

I want to be with you. . .

romantically...

Then what about Prince Handsome?

What? You are very cunning.

My dear honey.

Your Highness. You look...

very different today.

Do you guys like thick lips?

I heard about that, but no guys...

like duck lips.

shut up.

This is the second round of the competition.

which will decide who the winner is.

If no one beats Royal Dog,

he will be the Imperial son-in-law.

What are you doing?

Your Majesty, I withdraw from the competition.

Good luck to all the...

other contestants.

All the best.

Brother, you...

Brother, do your best.

What do you mean?

That's defrauding the Emperor.

Your Highness, even if I win, I can't marry you.

Because I already have the most loveable lady,

who is good with kung-fu, great at house work

can carry heavy loads, but most importantly...

I don't have to give her all my salary.

Royal Dog, do you have a death wish?

Father, can't you let me pick my own husband?

You are not to say anything.

You are the Princess.

How can you say something so silly?

Guards! Put Royal Dog under arrest.

Your Majesty, my brother has been protecting you for years.

Please pardon him, Your Majesty.

In accordance with the law,

anyone who speaks for the offender is an accomplice and is equally guilty.

Please pardon him, Your Majesty.

Put them both in jail.

Why is it that we only get to share the misfortune but not the good luck?

Take them away!

Move it! Hurry up...

Are you done with the "kiddie" games?

Can we start the martial arts competition now?

Of course.

Go ahead!

Old Fool! Have you gone mad?

Those princes compete among themselves,

not against your staff.

You good-for-nothing Emperor!

Why are you so dumb?

They do not come for the competition. They come to depose you.

Depose me?

Aren't all you Royal Secret Guards on my side?

Lock the emperor and the Princess up.

Honey, you'd better go first.

Sorry, I am one of them.

But honey, I realize now that I love you very much.

Bro, can we not depose him?

Just pretend nothing ever happened.

Of course.....

Not!

Let us get ready for the Princess' wedding.

Will the Princess marry me?

Of course...not.

The one to marry the Princess is...

Me!

No...

Unicorn, save me.

Your Majesty, how can I...

beat them all?

You are smart.

But I can arrest you.

Your elder brother has committed treason.

Tyrant!

You order your Royal Secret Guards to kill my brother.

I will now avenge his death.

Who are you?

Our fellow countrymen.

Good then I have nothing to worry about, please sit down.

He is MY fellow countrymen.

Right, your countrymen are my subjects

Yes I was, but no longer.

Guards!

Prepare for the emperor to be deposed.

Deposed?

Father, Lord Unicorn wants to be king.

Who ever heard of an eunuch being king...

My Lord, I have thought about this.

You are the right person to take the throne.

You are my idol, my Lord.

I decide to switch sides again and serve you.

What do you think?

Great!

You will be my eunuch when I become king.

Whom should I marry now?

You...

Not you?

Everyone has to die! Who else is there to marry?

Father!

Why has everything changed all in a sudden?

Taro and the eunuch are in this together.

Am I the good guy or bad guy then?

You are the fool.

All of you don't give a damn about me.

I will protect His Majesty!

Ninja...

What is this?

I invented this while killing the fly with a fly-swat.

The cyclonic fly-swatter.

Bullshit!

Crazy woman!

Who will save me now?

Those who could have saved you were all put in jail by Your Majesty.

I am still here.

Your humble servant Lady Gemini is here to protect Your Majesty.

What? You are a girl?

What a waste!

You're sometimes a man and sometimes a woman...

Let's see how long you can pretend to be a prince?

I am here as well.

Miss, who are you?

My husband is Royal Dog, whom you have just jailed.

Are you for or against me?

I come to protect Your Majesty.

Welcome...

Only you two?

Wrong! The Royal Secret Guards have been preparing

for something like this in the past ten years,.

Great!...

How come I didn't know of such a device?

My hubby told me that.

Your Majesty, run!

Where to?

Is this another one of Royal Dog's invention?

Bring him in, I must reward him!

You put him in jail already.

Your Majesty.

Pull the string on the left.

Die!

Your Majesty, we've come to save you.

Your Majesty, don't be scared.

Your Majesty, you are shocked. Your Majesty.

As long as I am still alive, it is okay.

Where's the Princess?

Your Majesty, my daughter,

Faithfull and Lady Gemini have taken the Princess to a safe place.

I know a secret tunnel through which we can escape.

Get moving... Go...

stay where you are...

There is no escape...

Unicorn, as long as we are here,

You will not be able to harm a single hair on the emperor.

I've heard that you and your wife are the best kung-fu masters in the country.

It is my lucky day and my honour to fight both of you today.

Fire Thighs! translated as Ham

Ham???

Hurry up.

Who are you?

Your Highness, Lord Unicorn has been colluding with the Japanese.

My father was murdered because he secured evidence of Lord Unicorn's collusion with the Japanese.

Today, besides the Princess,

you two must die.

That's great.

That chick who wears man's costume is not bad. I will have her.

Okay, we won't kill her.

What do you mean?

You won't kill them because they are beautiful, what about me?

You deserve to die.

You are the one who deserves to die.

Are you done with that?

Are you two okay?

You are too horny.

I just thought of something.

Shouldn't you be in jail?

Of course not.

We laid this mousetrap with His Majesty to con you guys

To dupe you into showing your true colours.

What? Those four princes are all fake princes?

Our information is true.

so we plead with His Majesty to cooperate with us

We let them think that His Majesty is exposed and has no protection.

Then they will reveal their true intentions.

What should I do?

Your Majesty.

My parents-in-law are kung-fu masters.

They will protect Your Majesty.

Then I will let them protect me.

Thanks, Your Majesty.

I just know everything will happen

in the way I expected it to happen.

so I came back and saved His Majesty and Her Highness.

Royal Dog, you are brilliant.

Thanks.

What the hell.

That's your mom

and your dad.

It is.

You are my buddy.

Lord Unicorn is a good fighter.

God-father.

There's nothing special about them.

You know everything now, so what?

Can you beat the three of us?

Your Highness.

so what?!

How dare you hit Her Highness!

You have to fight me then.

Okay.

My dear future son-in-law, you'll lose

Please leave with His Majesty.

Okay.

so cold blooded!

You... Painful?

Hey, you have an extra hole on your ass...

Why don't you surrender?

I have been practising martial arts for years.

Don't you think I have a Ultimate move?

Watch it carefully.

My Ultimate move.

Run for my life!

Your Majesty...

I just pretended to be on their side...

so as to expose and apprehend them.

Will Your Majesty be so kind as to take me back?

Please forgive me.

Take you back?

I can, but...

Forgive you?

No way.

Guards!

Beat him up...

It's my turn.

If you are gentlemen and play fair...

Then fight me one on one like a man.

We are not gentlemen and ,

we won't play fair.

Piggy shooting star!

Done.

Thank you, parents-in-law.

You'd better go for late supper.

Okay, that's a good idea!

And what manner of toy is this?

Try this!

There's NOTHING there.

Yes, I don't have it.

Jumped so high and scared the hell out of yourself till the face is green.

The Mighty Ice Palm!

Super Barbecue fire!

Still can withstand the heat?

Alright, I will roast you into BBQ pork.

Burn me?

Do you think my hand is BBQ meat?

Fire Thighs Ham Kick!

Honey, be careful.

Super Furnace wind!

Furnace Fan?

Honey, that's enough, it wouldn't be suitable for children to watch if you keep doing that.

Lucky there's no XXX-rated material.

Shit! It's burnt.

My last move.

There's a Last Move?

Lightning drill!

Where's he gone to?

Lightning drill is awesome.

Honey, are you okay?

I can't pull my hand out.

Want to ruin my face? I have dismantled your armour

There's only one bullet in a western pistol.

If you can't kill me with the one and only bullet, you will be dead.

Well, then we'd have no choice but to... Run!

We didn't kill you with one shot. What about a HUNDRED shots?

Well, then try out my new invention!

The multi barrelled "Don't-know-wheel" gun!

"What the.... wheel" is this?

Honey, you are so cool.

Really?

I don't deserve to be killed by low-lives like you.

To die by my sword, would that be satisfactory?

Huh? That same old trick Again?

What can you do to me now?

Huh? I can run... run... run...

Splat! It's done!

Royal Tiger! Face the throne!

Your Majesty

I will make you the Head of all Royal Secret Guards.

Stay by me 24 hours per day, 7 days per week.

Thanks, Your Majesty.

And I will make you my son-in-law!

Let's pick a good day for you to marry Princess Rainbow.

Well, as for that...

Just help me out here...

No one would marry her except you.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Clement! Clementine! Face the throne!

You two have saved me, I will grant you two the title of

The Birds of a feather, Yin Yang Glorious Couple.

You could travel throughout the country with no restrictions whatsoever.

Royal Dog! Face the throne!

Your Majesty, he and my daughter have disappeared

and are already gone to God-knows-where.

This is so romantic.

We will have lots of kids

on this kite.

Faithfull, I know you are horny.

but I spent lots of money in making this kite.

If it is damaged, I can't afford to make another one.

Unless I can get a few more sponsors...

then we can do whatever you want on this kite.

Come and take a look.

Sponsor Banner reads Royal Dog loves Girlie Red Wine and Old Man Pizza.

No need to look.

Faithfull uses MJ skin care products

Royal Dog.

What? Ninja again?

You are...

It's me, Gemini.

Faithfull, he is such a nice guy...

I won't let you have him so easily.

Royal Dog, I fancy you so much.

Wow, not bad at all.

No ogling!

Trying steal my hubby, is it?

I am gonna kill you!!!

Written by MarineSWS (for the Cantonese version)