Original subtitles

(male narrator) Previously on a very special part one

of a very special two-part season finale

of Clone High...

Makeover.

You look like an angel.

I can't wait for some serious dry humping.

I already have a date--

Rock Hudson.

Staaaaag!

Scudworth, we're going to take the clones away

and terminate you.

Ah! Ah!

Oh, oh!

Will you go to the prom with me...

[inhales]

Jo-Cle--

(narrator) Tonight everything you thought was real

comes down to this.

Old questions will be answered,

and new answers will be questioned

on an episode we call...

[people shrieking]

"Changes."

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're gonna make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

[people shrieking]

Will you go to the prom with me...

Jo-Cle-- [clears throat]

Excuse me.

Got a tickle.

Will you go to the prom with me?

Jo...king aside,

will you be my prom date...

Cleo?

Yes!

Of course I'll go with you.

And it doesn't matter that you gave me

a half-assed prom-posal.

This prom is so going to be the best night of our lives.

The theme is totally kick-ass:

A Magical Night in the Meat Locker.

The gym's closed for repairs.

Oh, someone wore black-soled shoes again?

Yes.

[chuckles nervously]

Where--where am I?

Oh, Wesley, I'm afraid you have amnesia.

Was I doing dishes?

You're the evil principal of a high school

populated by teenaged clones of historical figures.

A clone high school?

Oh, what a cute idea!

Anyhoo, TV personality John Stamos

called to rub it in how he beat you out

for prom king when you were in high school.

Stamos!

So I made you over like a French dandy...

Stamos!

Which inspired you to run for this year's prom king.

Well, it seems my memory is now completely restored,

except for whatever happened moments before I fainted.

We're coming to collect the clones

and terminate you...

on prom night.

But how important can that be?

Y-yeah, yeah.

(Abe) Foster dad,

can I talk to you about something?

Sure, foster son. What's on your mind?

Well...

I'm kind of nervous about...you know.

Oh.

Cleo sort of wants to...

but I just don't know if I'm ready.

Well, foster son,

over half of high school students nationwide

have chosen abstinence,

which is a good choice.

But they're not dating Cleo-friggin'-patra!

Have you seen that girl's ass?

It's built like the space shuttle!

Ooh, this could be

your only chance to drown the slippery otter,

to harpoon the salty longshoreman,

to verb the adjective noun!

But abstinence is a good choice as well.

[sighs]

Oh, Carver, van Gogh, Nostradamus, and...others,

if I hadn't been such a jerk,

I could be dry humping Marie Curie at prom

instead of going...

staaaaag!

Well, it's not like any of us have dates.

[snorts]

[gasps] Gentlemen, check this out!

We'll form a prom posse!

Okay, check this out.

We roll up ten deep in a double-wide Winnie.

Ten dudes with matching white tuxes,

tennis shoes for attitude,

and we leave with 100 ladies!

Do the math, gentlemen.

That's ten ladies each.

I mean, who needs Marie Curie

and her handsome date, Rock Hudson,

when we can dry hump whoever we want?

Prom posse! Ow!

(man) That's Joan.

(man) By the beard of Zeus.

(woman) What a fox.

(man) Is it cliché to say, "Hubba, hubba"?

[gasps] [dull thud]

Oof!

My Kennedy sense is tingling.

Here's how it is.

Inasmuch as I'm very popular and you're very good-looking,

I'm gonna ask you to the prom now,

and you will obviously say yes.

smack!

- No. - Okay.

I'm just a shy lad,

and I don't know how to ask this,

but will you go to the prom with me?

smack!

Ooh!

I'm waiting for someone special to ask me,

someone more like--

Abe!

Joan, Joan.

I have a very special prom question to ask you.

Oof! [dull thud]

[clears throat]

Uh, yes, Abe?

I asked Cleo to the prom, and she said yes!

I-I just--

How is that a question?

Well, Cleo wants to have S-E-X on prom night,

but I'm really nervous.

And I need some information

so I can make an informed decision.

Do girls' parts need some sort of oil or equipment,

like cotton balls or wooden dowels?

Ugh!

Why do guys always go for giggly, vapid sluts?

Hark, I just heard a word that starts with an S,

ends with an S, and has a lut inside...

a lut of me!

[laughs]

JFK, you are so funny.

I am so glad we're going to prom together.

But you said no.

Oh. [giggles]

As a giggly, vapid slut,

I get so confused.

[giggles]

You and JFK, huh?

[giggles]

That's cool.

I'm so... psyched for you guys.

[Joan giggling]

Well, I'm off to buy some condoms.

[hard rock music]

(shadowy figure) Board of shadowy figures, fellow conspirators,

and celebrity guests,

our clones shall finally return home.

And upon their return, we shall commence phase two.

[laughing wickedly]

Oh.

Did everybody do pee-pees?

I don't want to pull over every five minutes.

[rapid footsteps]

[toilets flushing]

Let us ride!

What do you think, Toots?

Now, I may be blind,

but I can still feel when my foster granddaughter

is ready for the prom.

Mm-mm-mm, Joanie, Joanie. Whoa.

Little bit of acne there, girl.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, Joan, you look beaut--

Hey, baby.

Oh, hi, Kennedy.

Want a corsage?

'Cause I got a delicate flower for you...

in my pants!

[giggles]

Oh, JFK, you are so funny.

Now let's get you all together

for a little picture.

Stay away from Abe, of Arc,

or you'll pay.

Pay what?

Okay, I hadn't thought that far.

Well, there's a double feature playing

down at the silent movie theater.

Where are my keys at?

Brother done lost his keys.

[giggles]

I'll see you at prom, Abe.

Yeah.

See you at prom.

Have fun at the prom, Joanie.

[ball bouncing]

[dull thud]

[chuckles] Hi.

Uh, who are they?

Oh, uh, they're my other dates,

Catherine the Great and the Bronte sisters.

What the--

Oh. [giggles]

Oh, JFK, you're so funny.

[both laughing]

[grumbles]

Yeah.

Gentlemen, check this out!

I got my head stickin' outside this vehicle's sunroof

as it's driving.

I bet no one's ever thought of this.

(all) Best night of our lives!

Ow!

(Gandhi) Wow, this is the meat locker?

So are you nervous?

Pshh, About what?

You know, S-E-X.

Abe, I like my humpin' like I like my martinis...

dry.

Nerves barely even enter into it.

Right.

I'm definitely not nervous about sleeping with Joan.

Uh, Cleo?

- Who? - What?

(shadowy figure) Seriously, that is the last time we stop for wee-wees.

If you have to go, use the ashtray.

[slow rock music playing]

This is so awesome, Abe.

I mean, the winter prom.

This is supposed to be the best night of our lives,

and it is.

Yeah, Joan looks great tonight.

Check this out.

Hoo-yo.

[both laughing]

You know, Abe, I'm having such a magical night

in the meat locker.

And I can't wait to see the magical meat

in your locker.

Cleo,

our lockers are back at school and--

[whispering]

[chuckles nervously]

Hey, ladies, who wants some G. Love?

Hold the Special Sauce.

Ow.

Oh, hi, Marie.

Hi, Gandhi.

So...you having fun?

Sure, best night of my life, man.

How's your handsome date, Rock Hudson?

Oh, he's off teaching Oscar Wilde to play pool.

Mr. B, they're about to announce the king of the prom.

And I don't need to remind you,

I've rigged the election.

But I did remind you.

Well, what's done is done.

Mm.

[clears throat]

I have reached a verdict.

Your new Clone High prom king is Principal...

I hope it's me. I hope it's me.

Scudw...

I hope it's me. I hope it's me.

Wait a minute.

Is that John Stamos?

[gasps] No.

John Stamos?

The hunky, hazel-eyed star of Full House?

[gasps]

There has been an error.

Stamos is your prom king!

[chuckles] Whoa, whoa, you guys.

Stop it.

Thank you.

I was just stopping by to say hi

to my old pal Scudworth, and-- wow, this.

You guys are really too cool. Really.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Hey, how's your night?

[giggles]

Oh, Abe.

You're so funny.

I guess that was pretty funny,

askin' about your night.

Joan, you seem so much more approachable lately.

And it's made me want to tell you something,

a very special something

that you've probably been wanting to hear

for some time now.

Really, Abe?

Something you no doubt pine for so deeply

that my hinting at what it is

only increases your anticipation

and nearly guarantees your imminent joy.

Oh, boy, here it comes.

- Joan... - Yes?

Your date, JFK,

he's a lucky guy tonight.

You know what, Abe? I am tired of your--

You've-- What? Huh?

Um, I don't-- I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything, Joan.

Just tell me something.

Do you ever wonder if--

Abe, it's sex o'clock.

It may have sounded like I said the number six,

but instead I substituted it with a more suggestive word.

[whispering] "Sex."

[smooth, sultry music]

[emotional music]

[smooth, sultry music]

[emotional music]

[smooth, sultry music]

Okay.

Let's ride.

[whispering] Cotton balls.

[laughs weakly]

Oh, Abe.

You're so funny.

[crying]

[soft guitar music]

*

Best night of my life.

Best night of our...

lives.

Best night of my life!

[both slurping]

[moaning]

(man) * Boy meets girl

It's time.

(man) * And everyone can tell

* When every second word

* Is your name

* All I know

Oh, Abe.

Oh, Joan.

Oh, Abe-- a minute.

What did you just say?

I don't happen to recall.

You called me Joan?

No, I didn't, Joan.

I'm pretty sure you did.

Joan, don't be crazy!

I just meant that I was jonesing for you, Joan.

Say my name.

- Say what now? - Say it!

Sure, no problem.

Jo-Clll--

Jee-Cl--

Jee-Clll-Jee--

(Joan's voice) Kiss me, Abe.

What the hell are you doing?

Do you seriously think I'm gonna go through with this now?

(Joan's voice in slow motion) Kiss me, Abe.

What could this mean?

You're in love with Joan, Abe.

[crying] You're in love with Joan.

Maybe my mouth is broken?

(Joan's voice) You're in love with Joan.

[gasps]

Shouldn't you be with your other dates?

Actually, uh,

Catherine the Great is heaving bile

into the hot dog vat,

and I gave the Bronte sisters to the Three Stooges.

You know, I used you, Kennedy.

I used you to try to make Abe jealous.

Aah!

I'm such a girl.

Exactly.

You're a real knockout Betty, Joan,

and a better Betty when you're not faking

being a slutty whore.

You mean you like me when I'm just me?

Ring-a-ding-ding.

That chowderhead Lincoln just can't see it

without some bozo makeover.

I tell ya, that guy's head is so full of chowder,

he should have a bread bowl for a beard.

[laughs]

Heh.

Okay, okay, all right,

one more but just one.

[crowd groans]

This one time, uh-- Oh, this is good.

This one time, Saget and I were down in Mexico

doing some promotion for Full H,

and Saget decides he wants to learn to parasail.

Anyway, the problem was, the Beach Boys

needed me to hit sticks for a benefit show in Oaxaca--

Stamos!

Cinnamon, good to see you too, bro.

That crown is mine.

Abe, Abe, relax.

Take the crown.

I got plenty more of those ponies at home.

(crowd) Aw.

No, no, it's all right.

I want you to have it!

O-o-o-o-ow! My eye!

Ow, ow!

[laughs]

Ow.

[laughs]

[laughing maniacally]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You chose me.

I'm--I'm Scudworth, king of the prom!

Yee!

Gandhi, Gandhi,

I was about to have S-E-X with Cleo,

but then her junk looked like floating Joan heads.

Did the Joan heads say anything

about wanting to dry hump ten dudes

and one other dude one extra time

'cause he's the leader of the pack?

I think I might be in love with Joan.

Do you think there's a chance she returns my feelings?

Abe, I want you.

You want me to what?

Makes me so mad, I could kiss you.

What was that last part?

- I love yo-- - Shh.

I want you.

I just want you!

Abe? Abe?

Abe. Abe.

Abe. Abe.

Abe. Abe.

Abe. Abe.

Abe. Abe.

Abe. Abe.

* Ay-ay-Abe

Abe!

What?

slap!

I see.

Wait.

Cleo's in there now,

lonely,

sexually unsatisfied,

and totally naked,

except with Joan heads covering her junk?

That is the case.

Go away, Gandhi.

Hi, Gandhi.

Ooh, ooh.

[loud crash]

[both laughing]

Oh, Marie,

I'm so sorry... for everything.

I wasn't thinking.

Oh, Gandhi,

you'll always have a place in my heart.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't rub you

the wrong way,

but I'd like to rub you the right way.

[sighs]

You know what, Marie?

We're so young.

Let's wait.

I guess the driest love of all is abstinence.

[both gasp]

(shadowy figure) Assembled students of Clone High,

your collective asses now belong to us.

Oh, about that, uh...

I'm gonna take my vacation time now.

[shrieks]

[hard rock music]

But it's too early.

The clones, they're not ready.

Wait.

The prom king was just about to start a--

start a conga line.

[gasps]

Yes, you can't break up the prom

before the traditional prom king-led conga line.

Damn you, Scudworth.

You've found my only weakness--

a tight, fast conga line.

Well, better get some punch before it starts.

Stamos.

Scudsy.

[coughs]

You conga everyone into the flash freezer,

and I'll-- [coughs]

And I'll pull the switch,

freezing them instantly.

But you'll be trapped inside,

and I tried to kill you...

repeatedly.

Yeah.

I know.

But it turns out I'm just a really nice guy.

Helping others is what John Stamos is all about.

Thank you, Stamos.

You've had a good run.

Abandoned Pools!

[dolphin chatters]

Hit it!

You got it, Prom King.

[playing rock conga music]

(all) * Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, cha

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, cha

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, cha

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

Joan? Joan?

Abe! Abe!

Guys! Guys!

Jo-- [gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

I, uh, didn't see it coming either.

And by it, I mean me.

(all) * Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, cha

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-- [all gasp]

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

Abe, I--

(all) * Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, cha

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, boom

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, cha

Stamos, now!

Everybody, freeze!

[slow rock music]

*

But, Joan,

I love--

[gasping]

Jo-Cle--

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees *

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're gonna make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High