Original subtitles

(male narrator) Tonight, on a very special part one

of a very special two-part season finale of Clone High,

it's prom season, and Abe must choose

between the woman he loves

and that other girl with the red hair.

Hey, Mike, bring up that shot of the two of them roll--

Yeah, that's the one.

Well, I'll be in my trailer.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're gonna make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

[helicopter rotors whirring]

[grunts and gasps]

Marie Antoinette, will you go to the prom with me?

Merde!

Anne Boleyn...

You think people are going a little overboard

on these prom invitations?

[horse whinnies]

[horse screams]

Helen of Troy, will you go to the prom with Nostradamus?

Uh, no.

I knew you were going to say that.

Ugh, if you're gonna ask a girl to prom,

try to avoid the usual clichés,

like your helicopter or your talking fetal horse.

Whatever, I don't need some guy in rented pants

taking me to a dance.

Dance?

Joan, you know the expression

"Prom is the single most important event in your life"?

No.

Well, now you do.

You want to be president?

Well, you better go to prom, because all of them did.

Plus, prom is the night

where everyone steps up a base, sex-wise.

Uh, listen, Abe, I really don't want to go to prom.

Abe, why are you wasting time on that eyesore Joan?

Shouldn't you be planning

on how you're asking me to the prom?

Which, since I'm Cleopatra, will be the most original

and elaborate prom-posal this school has ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it, Cleo.

Oh, Joan, you poor spinster.

I'll make sure you get to prom, one way or another.

Whoooo! Whoo!

So, um, do you have a prom date?

No takers so far, Marie Curie,

but I can't wait to tear up the dance floor.

And now that my testicles have descended,

I can't wait for some serious dry humping.

Yeah.

Dry what?

You know, like this...

[grunting]

But with your clothes on.

That sounds kind of nice.

Can't talk now, Marie.

Got to go find me a prom date.

* Tra-la-la, la-la, la-la *

(Mr. Butlertron) Are you sure making a documentary

revealing your evil plan is the best idea?

Quiet, Mr. B. It's on.

I first got the idea for Cloney Island

after seeing the movie Jurassic Park III.

But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled

with human clones instead of zoo animals.

It's as foolproof as the amusement park

in the movie itself.

[phone rings]

[laughing]

Stamos on line two.

Is it prom season already?

He beat me out for prom king in high school,

and every year, he calls to rub it in.

John! Good to hear from you.

[laughing]

Yes, I do remember that.

Yeah, you won, all right.

Uh, say hi to Rebecca for me.

Okay, sure.

I will. Okay? Yeah.

[polite laughter]

Stamos!

Oh! There goes my whole day!

I hate Stamos!

Motherfu--

[both slurping]

You know, Cleo,

prom is an important time for all teens.

For example, it's where we all lose our virginity.

[laughing]

I mean, right, we're all virgins.

Cleo, I have something important to ask you.

Cleo, will you please do me the honor

of giving Joan a makeover so she can get a prom date?

What?

Abe, even though we're going out,

you still have to ask me to prom,

and my invite has to be perfect in every way.

Because, and this may have slipped your mind,

I'm Cleopatra.

Joan, I'm on it.

I'm just procrastinating for some reason.

There's no time to explain why.

But here's a little joke to tide you over.

I've seen the other invites.

Two words: Bor-ing.

[women chatting and giggling]

[women gasp]

Catherine the Great,

you ready to do the dry humpty hump?

Ah, get off your high horse.

Susan B. Anthony,

I got a dollar that says

you got an addiction to friction.

[toilet flushes]

Eva Perón.

You keep your distance!

I just want someone to love,

dry hump, leave, and then brag about.

Is that so wrong?

Get a load of that loser.

Talking to himself in the mirror.

You, handsome guy.

What're you looking at?

I'm looking at you, hotshot.

Your devilish good looks don't impress me.

Well, what would impress you, dreamboat?

Getting that shrimp cocktail, Gandhi, a prom date is what.

What, are you cuckoo?

What's the matter, turkey? Chicken?

A fin says I get the crybaby a prom date.

You got yourself a bet.

You got yourself a bet, pretty boy.

Ugh, why do you let that guy get to you?

Abe, you mentioned an important prom decision

that you made about me?

That's right, Joan.

I did, Joan.

Joan, would you make me the happiest guy on Earth

and accompany me to...

the mirror so I can give you a makeover

so some other guy will go to prom with you?

Oh, Abe, of course I'd love--

Uh, make-what now?

Don't thank me yet.

We got a lot of work to do.

A lot of work.

Uh, in what universe would I ever let you

give me a makeover?

In the universe where I care about you, Joan.

God knows I should be busy planning a fancy way

to invite Cleo to prom,

but I can't get you out of my mind.

I'm in your mind?

We'll have to spend a lot of time alone together.

Alone...together?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, Abe, I've been waiting for this moment my whole--

Makeover!

(men) * Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* For you and me

Joan, are you ready to be blown away?

[horrified screaming]

Joan, wait!

You forgot your sexy vampire teeth.

[Joan screaming]

[airplane engine humming]

Joan. Joan.

Go away, Abe.

I used to feel good about myself,

and then I met you.

But, Joan, you're so close.

I can almost see the beauty that is locked away inside of you,

hidden far, far below the surface

where no one can see it.

I don't want to be beautiful, Abe.

I just want you.

To get you a prom date.

I'm two to three steps ahead of you, Joan.

That's why I had these flyers made up.

Hey, Gandhi, funny seeing you here...

[chuckles nervously]

During our common lunch period.

Yeah, that is funny.

Yeah.

[long nervous laughter]

Hey, you, half-pint,

Junior Mint, pip-squeak, Tiny Tim, yardstick,

snack pack, wee fella, brown leprechaun.

Are you talking to me?

Now, listen, I'm gonna help you get a prom date.

But at this point,

your ass is neither round nor high enough

to pull in the caliber of Betty I do.

You let the dogs out, J-slice.

Wazzup!

Let's start with that crap.

Your Gandhi speak is all wet.

What?

You can't touch this.

Here, read this.

[clears throat]

For supper, I want a party platter.

No! No! No!

Like this.

Fowah suppah, I, er, uh, want a pawty plattah!

For sopar, I want ahh perty plotter.

Quit looking so smug, pretty pants.

Says who? You?

No, says me, you!

Wh-what's goin' on?

Forget it, kid. No dry porking for you.

[groaning]

Fowah suppah, I want a pawty plattehr!

Wait a minute.

Throw some "er"s and "uh"s in there.

What's your hurry? Fowah...

Fowah...

- Suppah... - Suppah...

- I, er, uh... - I, er, uh...

- Want... - Want...

- Ah... - Ah...

- Pawty... - Pawty...

[together] Plattah!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

[together] Er, uh, makeovah!

(men) * Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

[knocking]

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

* For you and me

Wait. One last thing.

You look like an angel.

Stamos!

Damn him and his jet-black hair and winning smile!

Oh, I'm a failure!

A failure!

I'm so disorganized.

I never call anyone back.

You should see my car. It's a mess!

I'm a mess!

I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant,

and I leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card

at home every time.

Oh, I want a free sandwich.

[echoing] Stamos!

[sobbing]

(Toots) Now, I may be blind,

but I still recognize

the sound of my foster granddaughter's laughter.

[laughs]

You hear a good pope joke today at school, honey?

No, Toots.

I'd kind of like to be alone.

Was it the one where two popes, they walk into a bar, right,

and Pius XXI says...

he says--

It's Abe.

I really like him, and I wanted him to like me,

so I let him give me a makeover,

and look at me.

Look at me!

I can't look at you, Joanie.

I'm a blind man!

But I can do something better.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- What? - Hmm?

Oh, please, God, no--

Makeover!

(men) * Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

[horn honking]

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeo--

* For you and me

[Joan sobbing]

Oh, you don't need to thank me, Joanie.

Your joyful sobs of gratitude are thanks enough.

Well, I'm late for a tennis match.

[whistling]

[Joan sobbing]

Great. It's crying.

Just leave me alone.

Just leave my boyfriend alone.

[sobbing]

Can you pass me my blush?

Your what?

The blush.

It's makeup.

You know, like what your mom throws at you

when the vodka runs out?

I never had a mom, okay?

Joan, I didn't know.

[whispering] I didn't know

you didn't have a mom.

Oh!

For a second there, I felt bad for you

even though everything's going great for me.

Is that crazy?

No, it's sympathy.

You know, I may regret this,

but I have some old lipstick I need to get rid of.

You'd be doing me a favor

if I could get rid of it on your face.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Makeover! - Suicide!

(men) * Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

(both) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(men) * Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

* Makeover

[siren wails]

* For you and me

Cleo, I haven't gotten around to your prom-posal yet,

but I found something that I'm pretty sure

you'll be just as excited about.

It's Emmett from under the overpass!

He's agreed to take Joan to the prom

in exchange for some rubbing alcohol.

The government's putting fluoride in the tap water.

Oh, I think Joan's gonna get someone

even better than Emmett, Abe.

I just finished giving her a makeover.

She's about to make her dramatic entry

coming down the stairs.

[dramatic orchestral music]

*

I present to you

the new and improved,

new Joan of Arc!

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

[dramatic orchestral music]

(Abe) Joan?

You look--

Like a slutty teenage beach whore.

Yeah, I know.

You guys, I don't need

to pretend to be someone else, you guys.

No,

you look like an angel.

Do you like it?

Like it? This changes everything.

Joan, would you please come...

pile a list of guys you'd like to go to prom with?

I mean, now I could get you a date with any guy in school,

maybe even--

Abe! I'm Cleopatra.

So quit your stammering and start your plannering,

prom-posal-wise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you got to admit, Joan looks...

I'm Cleopatra!

Hot.

(JFK) Oh, ladies...

say hello to GFK.

(woman) Who is the fox?

[women sighing]

He's like a shorter, browner Kennedy, mm.

Don't, er, uh, damage the merchandise, ladies.

And by merchandise,

I mean my junk!

Hey, Gandhi.

Um, I've been thinking about prom,

and that dry thing sounds pretty keen.

Well, this isn't easy, but--

Oh, my God, GFK, you are so taking me to prom.

[slurping]

(Gandhi) Er, uh--

(Catherine) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, GFK. Oh, GFK.

[sniffles]

They grow up so fast.

[glass shatters]

Stamos!

Why not me?

I work so hard!

Nobody knows...in here!

I have so much love to give!

[coughing and choking]

I have an idea,

an idea that can make you as good as new.

Are you programmed to be thinking what I'm thinking?

[together] Makeover!

(men) * Makeover, makeover

* Makeover, makeover

Elephants, where are your tap shoes?

Flamingos,

it's flamingo, elephant, flamingo, elephant,

not flamingo, flamingo, elephant, flamingo.

God!

Dolphins, Start your propellers!

Come on!

Amateurs.

(Cleo) Okay, Abe.

I'm ready for your prom-posal.

All right, Cleo. Here goes.

Cleopatra Smith,

will you go to the prom with me?

Yes, Abe.

I, Joan, would love to go to prom with you.

[groaning]

(all) Who you gonna ask, Abe?

[dolphin chattering]

[yells]

[panting]

It was all a dream?

But what does it mean?

[gasps]

[both laughing]

Oh, GFK, we've had some good times.

Like the time I bet I could get

that pathetic Gandhi a prom date.

[both laugh]

What?

Er, uh--er, uh--uh--

Tell me I was a bet!

Tell me!

Look, champ,

it started as a bet,

but then I warmed to you, you knucklehead.

Hey, you want one of my prom dates?

Have a Bronte.

Forget it.

I am, er, uh, no longah GFK.

My name is Gandhi.

Holy crap, Gandhi, forget about prom.

Ciao.

You know what JFK stands for in my book?

Just feigning kindness.

He's got you pegged, Kennedy.

He's got you pegged.

Oh sure, now you talk.

But when I needed you, you clammed up on me.

Well, if you're gonna lash out at me like that,

maybe you should just leave.

I'm not leaving till you are.

What a wonderful outfit!

Why, this cravat alone would look great with jeans.

And it draws the eye away from how incredibly low-waisted I am.

Yeah.

Oh, I feel like a king,

the kind of king that would reign over this year's prom.

That gives me an idea,

a Stamos-neutralizing idea.

[laughing]

Oh, nothing can destroy this happy mood I'm in.

Scudworth.

I'm looking at a certain videotape here

called Cloney Island: My Plan to Steal the Clones

Away From the Shadowy Board: The Movie.

I've never heard of it.

Scudworth, we're going to take the clones away

and terminate you...

on prom night.

Ah! Ah!

Oh, oh!

Ooh!

[dull thud]

Marie. Marie.

Oh, I'm so glad I found you.

I'm sorry I've been such a jerk lately.

And I wanted to know, if it's not too late...

will you go to the prom with me?

- Yes... - Oh, thank God.

Terday I would have said yes.

But now I know what an ass you are,

so today my answer is no.

I already have a date-- Rock Hudson.

He really knows how to treat a lady.

Now I'll have to go...

staaaaag!

All right.

I know this isn't a fancy or elaborate proposal,

but...

you've always been the one for me.

You're my friend and so much more.

So I'm gonna ask you to the prom by saying the words,

"Will you go to the prom with me?"

followed by your name.

Ready?

Okay.

Will you go to the prom with me...

Jo-Cle--

[dramatic orchestral music]

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees *

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're gonna make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High