Original subtitles

(male narrator) Previously, on a very special Clone High...

Cleo was left alone,

and Gandhi's misbehavior made him the class clone.

See what I did there?

That wasn't just a rhyme; it was a play on words.

Get used to it.

I do that sort of thing all the time.

My friends call me pun dog.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're gonna make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

[rock music]

[all speaking at once]

[loud screeching]

This is Principal Scudworth with an important announcement.

The PXJT is upon us!

[pencil clatters]

Fail the PXJT and your life will be ruined forever!

But win or lose, remember,

the most important thing in life

is to use a number two pencil.

[growling] Number two.

Good luck and good day.

[loud screeching]

[grunts]

[crying]

[gasps]

Here, let me help you.

Abe, it's the PXJTs.

Everyone expects me to ace them and get into Clone State,

but ever since I broke up with JFK for real again,

there's no one to provide me

with emotional and physical support.

[tender acoustic music]

Is there any way I can help you emotionally...

or physically?

I guess I could use a study buddy for the PXJTs.

Great! I'll go pick up some flash cards at lunch.

You're so great, Abe.

And would you get me a latte on your way back?

That would rock.

Nonfat, 'kay?

[rock music]

This is a very tough time for me.

Without Cleo, I'm a broken man.

Hey, let's all go swimming in my pool.

And by "pool," I mean "bathtub."

And by "swimming," I mean "sex!"

That PXJT crap is useless in the real world.

Everything I need to know I learned on the streets.

- So you suck at taking tests? - Yeah.

You could take a prep course.

School after school? No way.

I mean, one school's enough for the G man,

but two schools is like, "What?"

Oh, here comes Abe.

Quick, pretend I said something funny.

Oh. Hey, you just farted?

That's hilarious! You farted!

[thud] Ow!

I haven't slept in two days.

Abe, the PXJTs are coming up. You need sleep.

Come on, Joan.

I've got a list of a million things to do.

Sleep ought to be the number one thing on that list, pal.

[slurps]

I was in my 18-wheeler late one night...

[slurps]

Right about the sleepy hour...

[slurps]

When I come upon a cop car

swerving around in the suicide lane.

And I could tell he was too sleepy to be driving

right then and there.

[slurps]

So I get up next to him

and try to guide him off the road with my rig.

[truck bangs]

But I cut it a little too hard and sent that cop sailing

right off a cliff.

[laughing]

Did you kill him?

Kill him?

I saved his life.

Course, he's a cripple now.

[slurps]

Dang.

Is that your rig? Sweet!

Man, trucking must be the life.

Whizzing in a bottle, solving mysteries,

not having to take the PXJTs all the time.

[spitting]

Did you say PXJTs?

[slurps]

Bubala, you haven't touched your kugel.

Don't crowd the boy!

Can't you see he's worried about the PXJTs?

Mom, Dad, I'm at a turning point in life,

and today I've made a life-changing decision

based on very poor information.

I'm going to be a trucker.

I'm going to hang myself.

I have no son!

(Mom) I'm getting out the good noose!

(Shadowy Figure) First off, we want to thank you

for your help with our conspiracy.

(Principal Scudworth) Sure!

Kids will be buying number two pencils by the bucket load!

[laughing maniacally]

Why are we doing this again?

(Scangrade) Infidel!

It is I, Scangrade the Magnificent,

a test grading/ world domination device.

The PXJTs were created to provide me

with my energy source--

lead from the number two pencil.

After over 50 years of testing,

his power will finally be great enough to...

Take over the world!

[electronic voice] Oh, yeah. That's a great [bleep] idea.

Mr. B! Language!

Mr. B, I hardly recognized you.

I see you've put on some weight.

It's so cool, Joan.

Cleo and I are getting really close.

Abe, your cart. It's rolling!

Abe, It's gonna hit that Animal Cracker display!

Abe, it's moving really slowly!

Just step forward and grab the handle, Abe!

[dramatic music]

*

[cart taps]

[boxes thud]

Abe, you're too tired to be grocery shopping.

Your reflexes are shot.

My reflexes are fine.

In three seconds, I'm going to slap you across the face.

Oof!

You have a problem!

You see, I have a secret, Abe,

and it's time I told you that secret.

Oh, I can't!

It's such a big secret!

Perhaps I'll tell you later.

All I can say right now is you need to sleep.

I don't take orders from you or anyone.

[cell phone rings]

Hi, Cleo. Sure, I'll take your order.

Spicy tuna roll, California roll.

Okay. Got it.

Yeah, yeah, oh, I always ask for more ginger.

Now I'm getting in the car.

You can't drive!

What if there had been real animals inside this box?

Yeah, Joan, I'm gonna crash into a big box of animals.

All right, that's the last one.

Literally all the pandas in existence

are on this truck, so be extra careful

and watch out for drivers that are sleepy...

[echoing] Sleepy...

(man on radio) [suavely] Oh, yeah, baby.

You're listening to KSLP, the quiet storm--

monotonous jams that get inside your head

and make you less alert.

[screaming]

[all screaming]

[tires screeching]

[truck horn blaring]

[rock music]

Cleo, I almost hit a truckload of pandas.

Oh, my God!

You didn't take my cat to the speech therapist?

No, Cleo.

This was a wake-up call,

a wake-up call about needing to sleep.

I'm so sorry you need to sleep, 'cause tonight I was hoping

we could spend the night together.

You know, pull an all-nighter studying for the PXJTs tomorrow?

But if you can't stay up,

I'm sure there's someone else who can.

I can stay up all night long!

I accentuated the "up" and also the "long"

for what I hope are obvious reasons.

So let's get back together and bone up on the PXJTs!

Ha-ha!

[whispering] Guess what the P stands for.

Penis!

[guffaws]

Wait, wait, when I said that I needed sleep,

I meant that I didn't need sleep.

Great!

Then we'll do it at my place.

Oh, Mr. Butlertron, I've become a pencil pusher, literally!

[giggling]

Remind me to send that one to Leno.

Yeah, [bleep] hilarious.

Mr. B, what's your damage?

Ever since Scangrade got here,

you've been acting like such a little bitch-bot.

That Scangrade is just such a mother[bleep] showboat.

He's been this way since Amherst.

Infidels!

It is I, Scangrade the Magnificent!

[cackles]

Oh, hello, B.

That's a nice apron you're wearing.

I believe Mrs. Scangrade has the same one at home.

[cackling]

Man, this is so much more fun

than studying for those wack PXJTs.

Hey, let's pick up some lady hitchhikers, huh?

Gandhi, being a trucker's not just about sleeping

with random women.

I mean, that's a huge part of it.

It's also about making choices,

multiple choices.

You mean, like, which random women to sleep with?

Bingo.

Let's say our truck leaves Chicago at 9:00 a.m.

traveling east at 50 miles per hour.

Lonely housewife in Boston, 900 miles away,

travels west at 65 miles per hour.

That's a guaranteed Bravo Juliet for the both of us.

But where and when, Gandhi? Where and when?

[murmuring] Let's see.

Conneaut, Ohio. 5:33 p.m.

Step on it!

Cleo, we need to talk.

Abe's not sleeping.

You got to cut down on his hours, capisce?

Somebody's jealous.

Normally, yes, but there's something you don't know, Cleo,

something that happened,

something personal.

It happened to me...

personally.

But there's no time to explain that now,

because we need to help Abe!

[mocking] Because we need to help Abe.

Phew, ch-ooh, boy,

I don't know if I want a hamburger, a hot dog,

chili, or all of the above.

Can you eliminate two of the options?

If you can, just go ahead and take a guess.

Chances are, that's what you wanted.

It makes sense because it's real.

[groaning]

So here's what I was thinking.

You'll read the prep book to me while I catch some shut-eye.

But...I was kind of hoping we could--

I can't wait until this test is over.

We'll finally have some time just to talk

and snuggle and stuff.

Chapter one....

[whirring]

Pi equals 3.141592659589793...

The end.

Oh, morning.

Huh.

I don't think I retained anything.

[energetic rock music]

*

[air brakes hiss]

What are we doing here?

Dropping off some precious cargo.

What? What is it?

Your future, Gandhi.

Oh, man.

You mean there's nothing on this truck

but a stinking metaphor?

I expected more veracity

from such a sagacious hauler of commodities.

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

Those were some bona fide PXJT words.

[slurps]

Now if you'll excuse me, I just ate a chili dog,

so I got to drop off some more precious cargo.

[twangy musical flourish]

(Principal Scudworth) Students, I hope you've all

come prepared with number two pencils.

[giggles]

Mr. B, no one suspects the slightest.

[echoing] Slightest...

Abe, did you get any sleep?

[groaning]

Yipe!

All-nighter with Cleo.

[groans] PXJTs important.

[gasps] Must not listen to body.

[chattering]

[thud]

[ominous music]

*

[pencil shattering]

Hmm?

[whispers] Abe.

Abe.

[screeching whisper] Abe!

[pencils scratching]

Come out, Abe. We need to talk.

(Abe) No!

I slept through the whole PXJT!

I just need to date a guy

who's gonna get in to Clone State.

Cleo, did you see me on that test?

I smoked it.

I can't wait to see my time.

(Abe) Beat it, JFK.

The girl is mine.

No, no. The doggone girl is mine!

We appear to be at an impasse.

Then we'll settle this like gentlemen--

with a drag race!

Cleo's not some prize you can win in a drag race.

This isn't the 1950s.

Or is it? I'm really tired!

Guys, I'm a modern woman who makes decisions for herself,

and this decision will be based on who can drive faster.

Then we'll race tonight!

At Dead Man's Slick Mountain Cliff Road!

Until then.

[locker bangs]

(Scangrade) Ah! Oh, yeah.

I can feel the power of the number two pencil lead

coursing through my circuits.

[coughing]

What's this?

Some infidel did not use a number two pencil!

Oh, my.

Is this a number three pencil?

My bad.

Mr. B! I should have known it was you.

Who else would know that the number three pencil

makes me all gassy?

[electronic warble]

Prepare to die!

[door creaks]

What's going on here?

Are you guys having a pillow fight?

I wish.

[slurps]

I wish.

This is an intervention, Abe.

You have a problem, and it needs to stop.

I just need to stay up a few more hours.

So you can stay up a few more hours after that.

I'll sleep when I die.

You'll die if you don't sleep!

[sniffling]

Abe, remember how I was so excited

about seeing the movie American Pie

that I couldn't sleep the night before?

And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie?

Well, I don't,

because I fell asleep in the theater.

Why didn't you just rent it?

[door bangs, footsteps squeaking]

I've got a story too, Abe,

a delicious story that I've been tantalizingly close

to revealing for too long.

Are you ready?

Here it comes.

[tender piano music]

[driving rock music]

[screeching]

[electronic warbling]

More tea, Wesley?

Ah!

Chamomile!

*

[hammer banging]

[bang]

Ah!

Dust!

*

[whirring]

[clink]

[speaking gibberish]

[cackling]

[saw buzzing]

Okay.

Here's my story.

You know how I was at camp last summer?

It was a sleepaway camp.

- [gasps] - That's right.

A camp for people with sleeping problems.

At first, I used to stay up just socially,

but--but then I'd cut class to sneak out

to the parking lot and stay awake.

Finally, they found me one day, faceup in the gutter,

wide awake!

And there's something else.

There's-- [gasps]

There's this.

My judgment was so poor due to sleep deprivation

that I actually paid money for this!

Joan, I had no idea.

Give me that pillow.

[gentle music]

*

Why is he looking at that pie all funny?

[zipper buzzes] - Oh, my God!

Oh, no, he didn't!

[laughing]

Oh, you fool!

[laughing]

I'm gonna go check on Abe.

[gasps]

[dramatic musical flourish]

[wind whistles]

*

[tender piano music]

[Scangrade cackling]

I have one final request.

Can you answer a multiple-choice question?

I'm Scangrade! I grade tests for a living.

Are you, "A," handsome,

B, smart,

C, scrap metal,

or, D, all of the above?

That's easy!

I'm A and B but not C,

so I can't be all of the above.

But...

you can't fill in two ovals!

No!

[gagging]

[tear squeaks]

[explosion booms]

The answer is C,

you [bleep] wad.

[energetic music]

(Cleo) First one to cross the finish line

gets a date with me.

[engine revving]

If you both die, I will mourn the corpse

closest to the finish line.

[engines revving]

Abe, you haven't slept.

You'll kill yourself.

This is the last thing I have to do.

Whoo!

[tires squealing]

Or the last thing you'll ever do.

*

[rock music]

He was too sleepy to be driving.

He's a cripple now.

A cripple...

I never saw him have sex with a pie.

Sex with a pie.

Sex...pie...

Wazzup?

Wazzup?

Wazzup?

*

Maybe I do have a problem.

[echoing] Problem...

[upbeat rock music]

[snoring]

Swee, swee, swee-swee-swee-swee, swee-swee-swee.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys!

Whoa!

[crash]

[wind whistling]

[crickets chirping]

[bright orchestral music]

[yawns]

[engine turns over]

[upbeat music]

*

[crowd cheering]

Abe, you won!

I'm all yours.

I did win

because I did the right thing.

I pulled over, and I took a nap.

And I owe it all to my pal Joan.

Thanks, Joan, wherever you are.

I'm right here.

So you are, Joan. So you are.

So what do you want to do on our date?

I was thinking we could sleep together.

[both laughing]

Oh, funny.

No, seriously, can we sleep together?

Hey, creepy trucker.

I aced the PXJTs.

I aced 'em!

Maybe some day you'll be a Rhodes scholar

like me.

Ha-ha, good pun.

Pun? Heck, no.

I studied at Oxford.

Truckers don't make puns, Gandhi.

We make deliveries.

But wait. I never got your name.

The name's...

[echoing] Prepcourse.

But...

Doug Prepcourse died 40 years ago.

[gasps]

[eerie music]

*

[echoing] Keep on truckin', Gandhi.

[slurps]

Keep on truckin'.

(narrator) Next week, on a very special Clone High...

A mysterious male stranger comes to town,

and he's brought a surprise ending with him

that will shock you.

Will her secret-- wait, did I just say "her"?

Oh, boy, that was the one thing I wasn't supposed to tell you.

I ruin everything!

Like when I spoiled The Sixth Sense

for my friend Steve.

He specifically asked me to not reveal the end.

Stupid, really stupid!

Why do we do this live?

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees *

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're gonna make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High