Original subtitles

(male narrator) Previously,

on a very special Clone High...

Joan made a declaration.

Abe, I want you.

(narrator) And Abe found a new form of recreation.

He's not gay or anything.

Abe actually likes Cleo,

a girl.

That was just a hilarious plot twist.

Hey, you miss an episode, it's your funeral.

I'm talking to you, Doug.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

[marching band playing]

(Gandhi) Wow.

I've never seen so few fans at a cross-country meet.

[crowd cheering]

[panting]

Lope, Abe Lincoln, lope.

[panting]

Man, it's hot.

I think I'll pour this sports drink all over myself.

[drink splashing]

Ooh, it's sticky.

[pants]

[crash] Dinger!

I won.

And I didn't even scuff my loafers.

Oh, my God.

We just won a cross-country dual meet.

Let's destroy property to show how much we appreciate the team!

(all) Riot! Riot!

Do it with a stop sign.

[crash]

[car alarm wailing]

- Yeah, books! - Riot! Riot!

[explosion booms]

Ready, okay.

[crash, thud]

Riot!

[crash]

(rioters) Riot! Riot!

Yeah, books!

(all) Riot! Riot!

[metal crunches]

(all) Riot!

[metal clangs]

[laughing maniacally]

[growling]

(man) Flip the pool!

[pool thuds]

Thank you!

[fire whooshes]

[yelling]

[bricks thud]

[heavy metal music]

Those loveable scamps.

They're rioting at a college level.

[crash, thud]

Riot!

[distant screaming]

(Mr. Sheepman) Now, let's talk about

yesterday's horrifying shenanigans,

and feel free to say anything, 'cause today,

I'm gonna be your "care-iff," you see.

Okay. Moving on.

I know teenagers have an awful lot

of confusing feelings, but today it is unlawful

to bottle 'em up.

You got to let 'em out!

Like I do, every night between 10:00 and 10:15

on a pillow shaped like my father.

So let's brainstorm

some constructive ways we can express ourselves.

Uh, Joan of Arc makes movies.

Uh, I make films, 'kay?

On video.

Experimental video art

technically not intended for audiences.

Okay, wonderful.

Making films is a...

is a--is a relatively inexpensive way

to express oneself, I guess.

I'd like to help.

I was on that cross-country team.

For this reason, I hereby volunteer

to organize the first annual

Take Back the Afternoon film festival

to save Clone High!

Fantastic.

Now we'll never have another riot.

[eerie music]

Listen, we've all done things

we're not proud of after a good cross-country meet.

But that riot was unacceptable.

Unacceptable?

Did you see the pool?

They flipped the bitch.

Principal Scudworth, if you were running this school properly,

there would be no riots,

only clone soldiers trained

for superior intellectual and physical combat.

Little do they know

I have my own plans for these clones,

plans that don't involve these Shadowy Figures at all.

[laughs]

You're talking in a normal indoor speaking voice.

So I am.

[whispering] Little do they know

I have my own plans for these--

Scudworth.

You're walking on thin ice, man,

clone of Karen Carpenter thin.

I think this is an issue we should talk about...

in person.

Maybe we could have dinner.

Perhaps the Olive Garden.

It's like eating in the private kitchen

of a delightful Italian stereotype.

We were thinking somewhere more intimate.

Your house. Next Friday.

No dairy.

Please.

[TV buzzes off]

Damn it!

I haven't been

to the Olive Garden in, like, forever!

[gentle music]

[door creaks]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Butlertron, my bosses are coming over for dinner

and look at this place.

I haven't changed a thing since I got my degree

in the mad sciences from ASU!

[electronic voice] Maybe some overpriced knickknacks

will add a touch of class.

They've got a great selection

down at Restoration Pottery Pier and Barrel.

Are you thinking what I'm programmed to be thinking?

(both) Shopping spree!

[laughter]

[door bangs]

Shaka braddah!

George Washington Carver!

Damn it, Gandhi.

You know how I hate to be interrupted

while I'm in my peanut lab.

Okay, check this out.

I have this ass-kicking idea for the film fest.

It's about these two cops, and they're different,

but in many ways, they're the same.

It's starring me, and check this out.

- It's starring you. - No.

See, it's two different cops from two different precincts

learning to fight crime together as buddies.

Please go away.

Check this out.

You play Leon Black,

and I'm Tandoori Jones.

And you won't believe what it's called.

- Black and Tan? - Black and Tan!

High five! Racial pride!

I don't like those movies, Mahatma.

They're filled with bad dialogue

and trite plot twists,

and they perpetuate racial stereotypes.

[paper rustles]

Nah, dog.

See, this is about dissing racial stereotypes.

You know the old one about how Indians and Blacks

don't get along?

No.

Well, Black and Tan will prove

that even though we're different,

we're ultimately a hilarious combo.

Good day, Gandhi.

Good day.

There's a part for the peanut.

We're listening.

[laughs]

[rock music]

Next.

[whispering] Thank God I got the key

to this editing room.

Oh, yeah.

Casting couch.

[gentle music]

(Joan) Wow.

Clip art.

You know, I'm glad we get to spend some time alone.

Hi, Abe.

My film is really coming along.

I'm doing an autobiography called

The Best of the Best of the Best

of the Best of the Best.

The whole premise is how tough it is to be me.

Popular, smart,

well-traveled,

and incredibly well-endowed

boob-wise.

Hey, is there a time limit on the films?

Would you tell a sunset

that it couldn't last forever?

Sunsets last six minutes.

Does a sunset have a soundtrack

featuring Smash Mouth?

See ya.

And, Abe,

I'll see you...

at the movies.

Wow.

[gasps]

[whimpers]

[sobbing]

Joan!

[panting]

Joan, thank God you're okay.

I've been looking all over the restaurant for you.

Abe, we put out an APB on your missing friend.

It's okay, officer. I found her.

What are you doing here?

It's not safe.

This table's not even bussed.

[sighs]

I don't know how to say this.

You don't have to.

You think the film fest is too commercial.

- I do? - Yes.

Film at Clone High used to be just you and Andy Warhol

and your disturbing art films.

But now Cleo's got her epic, Gandhi's doing his cop movie,

and Mother Teresa's got that teen slasher sex romp.

But it's not about them.

This festival's all about you,

Joan.

Me?

Abe?

You and me and what you have

here...

[moans]

Heart-wise.

Like my film.

It's everything I've been wadding up

in the sad chamber of my heart.

And now I'm shooting that wad.

In 35 millimeter.

Joan, isn't there just one thing

in that beautiful and honest heart of yours

that you need to express?

Yes, Abe.

I love--

Shh.

- Don't tell me. - Mm?

- Show me... - Mm.

In your film.

Well, I'll see you guys.

[rock music]

(Ang) Okay, now, Cleo, baby.

This is the shot where you reveal

how difficult your life really is.

And go.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ang.

Am I having a nightmare?

Because if I was awake,

those cue cards would be written in calligraphy!

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

Get the hell out of here.

You are not my son.

[whimpers]

Okay, remember, you're Gabe.

Gabe

[French accent] "Link-on."

Now, your motivation is that you're in love

with your best friend,

but you just haven't told her yet.

And go.

Line.

[scoffs] There is no line right now.

You just scream and weep.

And go.

[screaming]

Ah, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

At first, I thought you were whack, Black.

But now, we've both learned that when East meets West,

it's deadly.

(Peanut) Uno momento, Black and Tan.

[suspenseful music]

Eat shell!

[gunfire]

[laughing maniacally]

[dramatic music]

Go to hell, Señor Peanie!

Last one there's a rotten heuvo.

[laughing maniacally]

Say what?

(Gandhi) Cut.

No, no, no, man.

You're making me fall asleep.

To death, bro.

Okay, the line is,

"Say wha-a-a-at?"

- "Say what?" - "Say wha-a-a-at?"

- "Say what?" - "Say"...

- "Say"... - "Wha-a-a-at?"

- "What?" - "Say wha-a-a-at?"

Gandhi!

This character is not me.

- Say wha-a-a-t? - Stop it!

Listen!

You and I don't get along.

I'm off the project.

Watch out for that water tower!

[dramatic music]

[Gandhi grunts]

[water tower crashes]

Wow, G-Dub.

You saved my life.

Hey man, would you stay if I rewrote your character?

No.

I'll rewrite it.

My way.

Say wha-a-a-at?

Remember, this film is my heart.

I want your voice to weep with honesty and truth

and all that is real in this world.

And go.

[deadpan] There's nothing in the rulebook

that says a giraffe can't play football.

No, feel it!

[deadpan, slower] There's nothing in the rulebook

that says a giraffe can't play football.

[clapping slowly]

[gentle music]

Get out your fun-brella, Mr. B.,

because it's raining style.

(male singer) * When you need a new start

* Just look in your heart

* And begin the redecoration

* Your problems will end

* When you start to spend

* On a rug from a third world nation *

* We're expressing ourselves *

* Expressing ourselves

[Joan grunts]

* Sometimes it's fun *

* When you are young

* To bottle up your emotions

* But then you realize

* We're all gonna die *

* If we don't get into the motion *

* Of expressing ourselves

* Do it right

* Working real hard all through the night *

* To let everybody know

* Who we are

* Who we are

* Who we are

* Expressing yourself

[machinery whirring]

Well, there it is.

I'm finished.

(JFK) Well, I'm not.

Keep it down over there.

Finally, a film that perfectly expresses

all of my feelings for Abe.

Hey, Joan.

What was that you were saying quietly?

Abe! Hi.

I just finished my film,

and it really expresses my true--

I'm so proud of you.

Opening yourself up and expressing what's inside--

you're such an honest and true friend.

Friend?

It's been hard for me because

I'm trying to win over Cleo and run the film fest.

But knowing that I have you

as a pal gives me the strength to do it.

- Pal? - Don't worry, bro.

Cleo will never take your place

as my best friend.

Bro?

Yeah, even closer than a sister.

So close that we could sleep in the same bed

and never touch or kiss.

So anyway,

thanks for expressing yourself, man.

Man.

[whooshing]

[crash]

Joan, I almost forgot to pick up your--

Amigo? Buddy? Fella?

Where are you, guy?

[melancholy music]

Hey, what's this?

You're going to express yourself, Joan,

even if I have to do it for you.

[inhales deeply]

(JFK) Do you mind?

Some of us are nailing Catherine the Great here.

Or should I say Catherine the So-So?

*

[drumroll]

[camera shutters clicking]

[stirring orchestral music]

Wha--

Abe, Abe, Abe,

why is my name on the program?

Because it deserves to be.

I found your film in the trash can,

and I submitted it.

No, no, you don't understand, Abe.

This film is embarrassing...

[whispering] For both of us.

How could I be embarrassed by a friend?

Pow, pow-pow, pow, pow.

Who's got the legs?

Me, that's who, me.

Who knows, Joan?

Maybe your film will change the world.

[whispering] That's what I'm afraid of.

[banging] - Open up, Thomas Edison!

I know what you're after, Joan.

[snorts]

And you're not gonna get it.

But you don't understand.

Or do I? [snorts]

No!

Or is it yes?

No! Let me in!

You can try all you want, Joan.

[snorts]

But we both know that even an angry woman

can't claw through steel that's 2 feet thick.

[snorting]

[gentle music]

Well, the apartment's all finished.

I couldn't have done it without you, Mr. B.

And speaking of without you,

go hide in the kitchen.

But Wesley--

My entire career is riding on the success of this dinner.

And I don't need the electronic help

muddling it up.

[Mr. Butlertron squeaking]

Don't let him see you cry.

Just make it to the kitchen.

[door thuds]

[Mr. Butlertron wailing]

(male narrator) [intensely] Meet Leon Black,

a Harvard-educated scientist turned expert police detective.

(male narrator) [jovially] Meet Tandoori Jones,

a jive-talking, smooth-walking, typical Indian supercop

who plays by his own rules:

none!

(male narrator) [intensely] Together, they are...

[gunfire]

Black and Tan.

[car tires squealing, sirens wailing]

[gunfire]

Thus concludes this caper.

And speaking of capers,

I thought we ordered from a deli.

Oh, it's from a deli all right.

New Delhi,

India.

We've been transferred there for our next adventure.

What is that you say?

[explosion booms]

[intense music]

[cheers and applause]

Now I'd like to introduce my film

It Takes a Hero.

Here is my soul, friends.

My soul.

[dramatic music]

*

[crowd cheering]

(man) Hut.

[thud]

*

[crowd gasps]

*

I love you.

*

[whistle blows]

[giraffe grunts]

[deadpan] He's going home.

[crowd cheering]

[warbling tone]

I have your baby in me, giraffe!

[dramatic musical flourish]

[projector whirring]

[applause, indistinct murmuring]

Wow.

[exhales]

Single tear. [chuckles]

Okay. [chuckles]

Our next film, by Cleopatra, is titled

The Best of the Best of the--

Oh, my God!

[crash]

Ow.

Damn coal-powered projectors.

[snorts]

Well, all of the films are ruined...

There is no God!

There is a God!

Except Joan's film, which is somehow expanded in the fire

and will now be seen in wide-screen.

[snorts]

[grunts] There is no God.

This is a sign, Joan.

If you don't express yourself,

you'll just keep saying, "Fine"

when someone asks you how you are.

And then one day, someone will say,

"How are you, Joan?"

And you know what your answer will be?

There won't be one,

because you'll be dead.

[crickets chirping, dog barks]

So...

Religion's for fools, eh?

Fools and liberals.

[tender piano music]

(Mr. Butlertron) Hello.

Am I in space?

Because you all look out of this world.

[laughter]

[creaks]

Board of Shadowy Figures,

I'd like you to meet Mr. Butlertron,

my butle-- no, my friend.

Well, Scudworth, I must confess

we actually came to dinner tonight to kill you.

[laughter]

But we've had such a wonderful time

that we're going to give you another chance.

Oh, Mr. B.

You've done it again.

[applause]

Look, I think it's obvious what this is about,

so let's just get it over with.

[solemn violin music]

Whisper, whisper.

Hush, hush.

[clock ticking]

[dolphins chattering]

[screaming]

Ah, boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo.

[distorted whimpering]

Celine Dion-athon, Celine Dion-athon.

[railroad crossing bell dinging]

[distorted moaning]

[zap]

[whirring and buzzing]

[fire whooshes]

[violin music]

[coughing]

[bag pipe blares off-key]

[telephone rings]

Whisper.

[distorted, drawn-out] Whisper.

Whisper.

(both) Paella.

[slap]

- Shh. [eerie violin music]

[projector whirring]

(all) Huh.

Ha, ha, ha-ha-ha! You love Abe!

[sighs] Go away, Sigmund Freud.

Could it be any more obvious?

Hmm-hmm-hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

- Hmm-hmm-hmm-- [metal clangs]

Well, that's it.

Wasn't this the best film fest ever?

(audience) Yeah!

I can't hear you, Clone High.

[all chanting] Film fest! Film fest!

Film fest! Film fest!

Film fest! Film fest!

Film fest! Film fest!

Film fest! Film fest!

Film fest! Film fest!

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

So I guess things are totally different now.

Not really.

Everyone's still rioting.

No, I mean my film.

Now you know the truth about how I feel.

Uh... yeah.

And it doesn't change things?

Uh...

no?

Thanks for not making this too weird.

I just felt so exposed

because mine was the only film that was truly personal.

What?

Did you watch my movie, Joan,

or did you just see it?

Unlike you, I didn't make a beeline for the obvious.

I used a little something called symbolism.

You see, Joan, I was that giraffe.

Wow.

So if you were the giraffe,

who was that little girl?

Good night, Joan.

Good night.

*

(male singer) * And a chill is in the air

*

(male narrator) Next time, on a very special Clone High...

JFK and Cleo break up for reals.

Joan and Cleo duke it out

lady style.

And something tragic may or may not happen.

[car crashes]

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees *

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High