Original subtitles

(male announcer) Previously, on a very special Clone High...

Some voted with their heads,

some voted with their hearts,

Cleopatra voted with her student body,

and you, the audience, voted to be absolutely riveted.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

*

Check it out.

I'm the guy with two French fries up his nose!

Get it?

[laughing] That's hilarious, Gandhi.

Ah, your impressions are awesome.

Uh, spaz?

Putting fries up your nose is not an impression.

You actually are a guy with fries up his nose.

Oh, you like impressions, huh?

Hi, I'm Joan of Arc, and I wear a retainer.

[laughing]

Hi, I'm Abe Lincoln, and I've never laughed

so hard in my life.

Up high, honest Abe! Whoo!

This bent wire better not cause an overbite,

or in three to five years, I'm gonna--

[muffled speaking]

Perfect.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't see you there.

I did, but I didn't say anything.

Wow, Cleo, you're doing a bang-up job promoting

the awareness fair.

This year, the theme for the awareness fair is...

awareness.

- Wow! - That is a good theme.

- I like it also. [dog barks]

And for a fundraiser, I'm hosting

an open-mouth kissing booth.

Oh, for herpes awareness?

Gandhi will take a little sugar right now.

Show some respect.

JFK'll take a little sugar right now.

[slurping sounds]

That was so hot.

The girls definitely won't walk away

from our kissing booth disappointed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Whoa.

whoa!

Our open-mouth kissing booth?

More like your open-mouth kissing booth.

You know my policy regarding fatties.

Well, you don't see me complaining

about having to kiss poor people.

I'm sure you can make an exception for one day.

Well, I'm tired of making exceptions, hussy!

And I'm tired of playing second fiddle to that pooch.

There's nothing going on between me and President Dog.

What happened to us, Cleo?

I'll bet you let him poop in your backyard too.

*

Ring-a-ding-ding, Mr. Butlertron, babe.

[mumbling]

Hell of a show last night, Mr. B.

What Frank said.

Mr. B, I'm the principal,

and you're a mere

butler/vice principal/ dehumidifier,

yet every student says hello to you

and ignores me.

How can I get close to the students?

I try to listen with compassion instead of killing them.

Of course!

It's that soothing cardigan sweater of yours.

Cleo, what are you doing here?

I come here whenever I break up with JFK.

Seems like I've been here a lot lately.

Then these are lucky roses.

- How do you mean? - Uh...

'Cause you visit them?

Actually, Abe, flowers are

just the reproductive organs of plants.

They can't tell when someone visits them.

But--hmm.

I'm just feeling sad.

I don't know how I'll manage

the open-mouth kissing booth.

Well, I could help.

I love open-mouth kissing.

It's so much more open than closed-mouth kissing.

(male voice) Don't feel alone. God is always with you.

Did you just say something?

Uh-uh.

The voices...

Finally!

The voices!

Come on now.

Talk to me.

I am not going to open up to you.

Lynn, quick, your cardigan.

But it's cold and flu season.

Give it!

[sighs]

Behold, the soothing power of this enchanted sweater vest.

Behold it!

Do you have a BB gun?

I have several.

Wanna go shoot birds some time?

I would love to!

B, D, B, C, C, A, D. Boop! I'm done!

Do you mind?

We are taking a test.

Gandhi, just try and sit still until everyone is finished.

Not a problem, Mr. Sheepman.

[humming]

[fingers tapping]

[pen clicking]

[all noises combined]

Rhythm is everywhere!

[laughing] It's true. It's everywhere!

Darn it, Gandhi!

I've had it with your constant fidgeting.

[blows raspberry]

Who did that?

[whistling]

Your innocent whistling doesn't fool me.

I'm 70% sure that farting noise came from you.

Hall monitor!

[door slams]

I was so on today.

[locker slamming]

[drawer slamming]

What's in here?

Quit fidgeting, boy.

Can't you see I'm wearing a cardigan?

What's his deal, man?

Impulsiveness, hyperactivity, short attention span.

I'll run the symptoms through my computer.

[beeping]

[beeping continues]

[beeping continues]

Oh, Wesley.

You have A.D.D.

A.D.D.?

Am I...dying?

No, it's A.D.D., attention deficit disorder.

You also have A.D.H.D., its hyperactive cousin.

Oh, wow.

I need a minute to think about this.

*

Hey, check out this extra flappy skin on my elbow.

What is that?

[fingers snapping]

* Did you hear? Did you hear? *

* Gandhi has A.D.D.

* Incurable disease

* Did you hear? Did you hear? *

* Don't tell Paul Revere *

* Gandhi's contagious, totally outrageous *

* A disease with initials, that's the worst kind *

* A.D.D. has warped his mind

* Did you hear? Did you hear? *

* Don't tell Paul Revere, don't tell Paul Revere *

* Don't tell Paul Revere *

* Too late!

* Bada-rum bada-rum

* Bada-rum bada-rum bada-rum *

* Gandhi has A.D.D., Gandhi has A.D.D. *

* You get it from toilet seats

* Use a protective sheet

* Attention deficit disorder

* A.D.D.

[panting]

It can't be true, but then again,

it rhymed, so it must be.

*

Jesús Cristo, do you know the story

of Joan of Arc?

Yeah, I seen the movie.

I got it on DVD, homes.

She was, like, 16, right?

And then God told her to make the Frenchies

fight the Ingléses, you know, the people

that drink tea all the time and have big teeth?

And then people started getting mad,

'cause she was hearing voices and then at the end,

she got cooked like a steak.

Pretty good. I give it thumbs up, homes.

Basically.

See, I've never been able to live up to her.

That's why, instead, I became a cynical,

angst-ridden goth girl.

But now, I'm hearing voices.

Religious voices.

Damn.

Hey, they tell you who's gonna win the Latin Grammys?

If it's Ricky Martin, don't tell me,

eh, don't tell me.

It's Ricky Martin, huh?

This is totally freaking me out.

Hey, take a hit. Relax.

God's message can be a total trip.

But you know that you have to do what he tells you, eh?

Because god has a plan for all of us--

a painful, painful plan.

Wait, wait, the voices are telling me

to head on down to St. Paul's Mattress Discounters.

I have to go.

Jesús, God's power is in the mix!

[nail gun fires] - Ooh!

Be careful with that nail gun, Jesús.

I'm worried about Gandhi.

Me too.

You don't think he'll freak out

and bite me, do you?

He hasn't done anything to hurt anyone.

Hey, which open-mouth kissing technique do you like better?

This one...

[slurping noises]

or this one?

[slurping noises]

Hey, principal, look!

I fit the entire freshman class into just ten lockers.

[laughing]

- Oh, man. - Oh, my.

Oh, JFK, you're such a wonderful boy.

So full of fun and life.

I'm gonna go chuck a dead gopher

into the girls' bathroom.

Classic!

Jesus saves, and so will we--

on California kings all weekend long!

If you can find a lower price, God will give you

a bed frame for free!

Oh, feel it! Firm, but not too firm,

just like the lord!

No, Gene Kelly.

It's shuffle, cha-cha, spin left, shimmy,

booty quake, thrust, booty quake, thrust.

Wow, Marie Curie's mutated DNA may have

left her grotesquely deformed, but she's a really good dancer.

Sorry I'm late, but somebody forgot

to tell el Gandhisimo we had practice.

Hey, before we kick it, can I get someone

to stretch my hammies?

Gandhi, this is really hard to say.

I think maybe because of your condition, you shouldn't be--

You're kicking me off the dance squad?

The Solid Gandhi Dancers?

But I'm the treasurer.

What if you have an A.D.D. attack,

and you can't pay attention to the moves?

That's not gonna happen.

Check this out.

[scatting]

Gandhi, stop, you're out of control.

Are you watching? Are you watching?

'Cause watch this, here it comes, finish.

Pow!

[column slams]

(woman) I don't want that diseased freak going near my Attila.

I don't really think it's safe for Gandhi

to wander around without a space suit.

Folks, you all know me.

I'm Toots, Joan of Arc's foster grandpa.

Now, I may be blind, but I can see

certain things loud and clear.

This is a room full of scared people

making decisions based on fear and ignorance.

Now when I left the house this evening,

I intended to go to Giovanni's Italian Restaurant.

I can tell I'm in the wrong place.

So if you'll excuse me, I'll leave,

and let you get on with your meeting.

[crowd shouting]

Settle!

The bevested principal has the answer.

Therapeutic isolation!

- That will solve everything. - I feel so pacified.

(man) Is that cashmere?

The man in the dapper cardigan is right.

Let's lock him up like a diabetic.

I move we form an angry mob,

just a whole bunch of mens just running.

(Abe) I've never sat here in the popular section before.

Wow! Salt and pepper?

With me, Abe, it's first class all the way.

Abe, you've gotta help me.

You're all I have, man.

Is that pepper?

Abe, do you have a celibacy wish?

No, no, a thousand times no.

Because when I see you talking to Gandhi,

I feel like totally not kissing you.

You want to kiss something, Cleo?

You can start with my solid gold ass.

Up high, Lincoln Continental!

Dude, don't leave me hanging.

Come on, Abe, it's me... Gandhi.

Don't you know me?

Sorry Gandhi, I'm kind of tired.

[scoffs] Fine.

I never thought the world would see

Abraham Lincoln dissing Mahatma Gandhi.

Gandhi, no!

Not our matching friendship locket.

"Best dudes forever," Abe?

"Best dudes forever?"

*

[distant commotion]

[mob shouting]

*

I brought you some fries.

I was thinking you could, I don't know,

stick some in your nose like old times.

Keep your damn fries.

Look, Gandhi, when I chose not to high five you yesterday

it wasn't because I don't care about you.

It was because I didn't want to touch you.

I'm sorry, is somebody talking?

'Cause I don't see anyone.

Gandhi-- [phone rings]

Hi, Cleo.

Yeah, I got your fax.

I already called ahead to the lip balm store, yeah.

I'm goin' right now.

I'm going right now.

[rock music]

* Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

*

* Once we were warriors

* Running with the streets

* Got to remember the fire

* Don't give in to the heat *

* Remember the memories

* Life is only a game

* You're only a man now *

* Remember your heart

* Remember the flame

* Living and dying

* Dreaming and crying

* Seizing the day

* Carping the diem

* Remember the memories

* Two stars worlds apart

* Remember the memories

(man) Hi there, friend.

- Wow, Tom Green. - Who?

You work here?

Oh, I always make time to teach kids

the facts about A.D.D.

and/or A.D.H.D., its hyperactive cousin.

- Huh? - Hey, you're reading my book.

Touch the book.

Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book.

Lick the book. Lick the book.

Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book. Lick the book.

Book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book.

Yeah, I haven't read it either.

People with A.D.D., they aren't good readers.

Want to go shave a dog?

My friend has A.D.D.

And everyone at school treats him like some kind of leper.

Well, that's discrimination.

Hey, do you want to go take a dump on my parents' bed?

[squawking] I'm an albatross.

I'm an albatross.

* I'm flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings *

* Flap-flap-flapping my albatross wings *

[glass shatters]

Ahh!

Ahh!

Go ahead, I'm here for you.

I, uh--recently broke up with my girlfriend, Cleo.

Remember, too much emotion makes Dr. Scudworth uncomfortable.

But she was the first girl that gave me--

what's that word?

Feelings!

[sobs]

[squeals]

Is that water leaking out of your face?

[squeaks]

Ahh!

Er, uh--

Ahh!

What is this touchy-feely bull crap?

Yech!

I don't want to borrow this sweater no more.

*

God won't stop talking to me.

His power is in the mix!

I haven't slept in 78 hours.

[chuckles]

Oh, my goodness, I'm tired.

Jeez, that guy is, like, 45.

(Principal Scudworth) Whee!

It's experimental surgery time.

Go on, man, do it.

I want you to.

Stick it in my head. I hope it kills me.

If you're not terrified, where's the sport?

I don't want to live in a world

where buds diss their homeboys.

You're a high school principal.

You don't know what it's like to be lonely.

On the contrary, Gandhi, some principals

do feel loneliness.

We're not the invincible gods that teen magazines would

have you believe.

Then I guess there's no hope for guys like us.

There's always hope, Gandhi.

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons

and make super lemons.

So go down to that awareness fair,

stand up for what's right, and bring me back a funnel cake.

But there's no way out of this place.

Isn't there?

Oh, I think I know what you're saying.

- [grunts] [glass shatters]

And turn.

(Butlertron) You really helped that boy.

I did, and without the sweater vest.

I guess it wasn't magic after all.

Or was it?

[crowd gasps]

Is there a Heather in the crowd? Heather?

Heather, I have a message for you:

Jerome wants you to forgive him

for hooking up with Lupe at Trey's party,

and God is commanding all of us to give a shout out

to all the locals at the In-N-Out in La Puente

His power is in the mix!

(radio announcer) We're 107 FM,

where the mix of fresh Christian jams slam first.

His power is in the mix.

Coming up, we've got a rock crusade--

40 minutes of nonstop Amy Grant!

I can't--you know, I gotta take--okay...

[scoffs] I can't believe it, eh?

Jerome hooked up with Lupe?

[crowd screams]

What the hell are you doing here?

You're selling kisses? I'm buying.

Abe, will you form a mob and get rid of this loser?

No, but I will inform a mob with the help of this winner.

- Tom? - Hi, everybody.

I'm Ottawa's Tom Green.

I live in Hollywood.

[applause] - Thank you.

So some of you may have been mean to a kid with A.D.D.

That's not cool.

Coffee?

Anyone--coffee, anyone?

Huh? Sorry.

I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle.

Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is--

Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.

Plastic bag. Plastic bag.

Like Mr. Green so eloquently said,

A.D.D. is not infectious.

What is infectious is ignorance.

If everyone keeps treating Gandhi

like a contagious freak,

then this isn't an awareness fair.

It's an awareness unfair.

(man) Do you think I was born yesterday?

[crowd murmuring]

(Tom Green) Who likes cheese?

Abe?

You know what you have to do.

You're right.

(man) * Am I on time?

* Have I got soul?

* Arrest myself for being cold *

[grunts]

Dude, that was not cool.

Not cool!

And because of that, I'm only paying you $4.

My discomfort with a man kissing another man

is stronger than my hatred for people with A.D.D.

Hey, let's all accept Gandhi and shun Abe instead.

[cheering]

Wow, Abe, your brave homoerotic gesture

has changed my view about A.D.D.

Just don't touch me.

Gandhi, get on up here and dance.

But I didn't bring my dance skins.

Gandhi!

Okay, you got me.

Maybe I can help.

I think God left one last song in me.

(man) Ya'll ready for God?

[dance music playing]

*

(announcer) Next time, on a very special Clone High.

Will Abe and Joan's student films reveal

their true feelings for one another?

How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle?

And what will become of Gandhi?

I'd tell you, but I haven't seen the episode yet.

They were supposed to send it to me,

but there's this guy at work who totally hates me.

If he gets me fired, I'm gonna kill his dog.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High