Original subtitles

(male narrator) Tonight, on a very special Clone High.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High

* Clone High

*

(Abe) Gandhi, this year's going to be different.

I'm taller, I've got slightly bigger sideburns.

I spent all summer on my high fives and my finger snaps.

[snaps fingers repeatedly]

I will finally have the acceptance I so crave.

Joan of Arc! Up top!

Don't touch me, Gandhi.

Too slow. [snaps fingers]

Welcome back, Joan.

You got breasts.

Geez, Abe, you grew like, a foot.

You grew like, a pair of breasts.

Luckily the extra height doesn't feel that awkward.

[thud]

I'm up.

I wish I'd seen you more over the summer

but I was at camp.

Was it breast camp?

Okay, you get one more.

Well, brand new year, same old faces.

Hiya, Kennedy.

I invaded her Bay of Pigs,

if you catch my meaning.

Oh, yeah, steamed vegetables.

What'd Mama make for you?

Nine fried peanut butter banana sandwiches

and a thermos full of tranquilizers,

thank you very much.

[chugging]

I have left the building.

Man, one of the Elvis twins

really let himself go.

[scoffs]

Hasn't anyone here grown at all?

[grunts]

You were thinking it.

(Gandhi) I know.

[bell ringing]

You know, Abe, I've been thinking.

I'm going to date a lot more this year.

Uh, huh, yeah, I wanna date Cleopatra.

She's attractive, smart, athletic, good-looking.

She's hot, photogenic;

she takes pride in her appearance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

I admire her commitment to community service.

You don't think dating an old friend would be better?

You know, maybe someone that,

you know, you take for granted.

No, I like Cleo.

But Abe, think about it, like an old friend, you know--

Nope, Cleo.

Only Cleo.

Hi, Abe.

[gasping]

Are those longer sideburns?

[squeaking] No idea.

[glass shattering]

Abe, I think you're bleeding.

[whispers] Not now.

Fine.

I'll go wait for you by the gauze.

(Gandhi) Cleopatra.

Comin' at ya. Ow!

Do I know you?

Gandhi.

We had every class together last year?

I gave you one of my kidneys.

I miss him.

I was your foster brother for ten years

until you convinced our parents

I wasn't good enough for your image

and you had me transferred to another home.

- Benji? - Gandhi.

Oh, that's so great for you.

Anyway, Abe,

JFK's having a party Friday.

I hope I see you there.

Hey, Cleo.

Why, yes, these are longer sideburns.

(Mr. Sheepman) The first day of school's always awkward.

I just want you to know I can relate.

You see, I'm not just your kindly history teacher.

I'm also the first mostly-human clone.

Spliced in a little sheep DNA.

Which is fine with me.

You can't even tell, Mr. Sheepman.

[Mr. Sheepman chomping] Thank you!

Before you leave,

we have an announcement from Miss of Arc.

(Abe voice-over) I admire her commitment to community service.

Now, I know I don't have to tell you

how committed I am to community service.

That's why I'm starting a teen crisis hotline

and I'm looking for volunteers.

Dude, that's a three-story drop.

I don't care. I'm going for it.

[thud]

(Gandhi) Oh, my god!

I can see my bone!

(Principal Scudworth) Oh, young, unsuspecting clones.

Little do they know, I control them.

The greatest minds the world has ever known.

For what is more powerful

than a high school principal?

- Dr. Scudworth. - [yelps]

Sorry to disturb you,

but there's growing concern

among the secret board of shadowy figures

that you may be completely insane.

Blasphemy!

Yeah, well,

you do have a robot butler named Mr. Butlertron.

[monotone voice] Anyone for scones?

Why, creating a mechanical British servant

is no more eccentric than the tie you're wearing.

(Mr. Butlertron) More tea, Wesley?

He calls everyone Wesley.

Don't know why.

Yeah, that's fascinating.

but we're paying you to monitor these clones

as closely as possible,

so if you want to keep your job

you can either write a report proving

you know what it's like to be a student at Clone High--

I'll do no such thing.

Or I'm to kill you.

I'll title it "What it's like to be a teen-aged clone

colon, a rope of sand."

(Mr. Butlertron) Good title.

It draws the reader in without giving too much away.

Wesley.

(JFK) Lincoln,

I've got dibs on that Cleopatra broad,

so back off.

She's numbers one and two on my list

of 150 women to bang this year.

What you doing in here, buddy?

Making a Lincoln log?

Heyo! What's up, Fitzy-baby?

Party at your place on Friday, right?

Rock it!

Yeah, psyched for the rager, JFK...dog.

I will see you there.

And by "will" I mean "won't."

[laughs]

'Cause you're not invited.

I wasn't sure if I was clear earlier.

So, uh, you're not.

Invited, that is.

To my party.

Forgot to wash my hands.

(Abe) I gotta get to that party.

(Gandhi) Dude, we're never going to get invited

sitting here, surrounded by geeks.

They're not geeks, Gandhi.

They're just delightfully eccentric.

Hello, cohort.

It is I, George Washington Carver,

and I spent my summer

bioengineering this anthropomorphic peanut.

Hi-ho, guv'nors.

I'd shake your hands, but, you know,

peanut arms.

All right, they're geeks,

but we have better things to do

than worry about who or what we're seen with.

No, Gandhi's right.

This isn't about who we hang out with.

This is about not having to put your hand on your own buttock

and pretend it's a woman's breast.

All I'm saying is a girl is interested in me,

and I'm not going to ignore it.

Abe, I want you.

You want me to what?

I, um--

Forgot what you were going to say.

Happens to me all the time.

Well, I'm off.

What?

Kennedy, I have a proposition for you.

Mark my words, Lincoln.

You and your friends are, uh, not coming to that party.

I'll get the beer.

Be there at 8:00!

Shazam!

We're in!

Any ideas on how to get the beer?

Nope.

(Eleanor Roosevelt) It's time for the Presidential Fitness Test

where we make you even more insecure about your bodies

by touching you while you

perform arbitrary physical tasks.

Can't believe we got Eleanor Roosevelt

as a gym teacher.

Yeah, he's great.

You know, Abe,

tonight I finally have the night off from the hotline,

which is community service,

so I was thinking we could, like, you know,

carpool to JFK's party, you know, just, save gas--

You like talking, of Arc?

Well, you can talk your tight little buns

into Principal Scudworth's office!

Slowly.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, stud.

I'm so glad you're getting the beer tonight.

I just love underage drinking.

[stammers feebly]

Okay, how the hell am I going to get that beer?

Easy.

Tell them that they heard you wrong.

What you said was, "I'll get the beards."

That makes no sense.

Yeah, but if you think about it,

It would still be a pretty sweet party.

This is the best party ever!

Thanks, Gandhi!

Okay, Ghengis Khan.

When the clerk asks if you're over 21,

say yes, got it?

You over 21?

Okay, he used a very tricky line of questioning.

Let's practice again.

Are you over 21?

Yes.

You over 21?

No.

So I guess you're 21.

I am 21.

I'm not 21!

(Principal Scudworth) Miss of Arc, I'll look at your little gym-class disruption

if you help me with a report I'm writing.

Tell me your likes and dislikes.

Well, I dislike being tied to a chair.

Good!

I'll use a big font, futz with the margins,

and I'll be home in time for Jay Lee-no.

[scoffs]

You would like Leno.

How dare you insult that big-chinned everyman

and his various African-American bandleaders?

Perhaps you'll learn some respect

spending the rest of the afternoon in my death-maze!

[maniacal laughter]

Oh, this is useless.

I need to observe the teenagers in their element.

I will be Dian Fossey, and they the gorillas.

But where can I find the mist?

(JFK over P.A.) Attention, students.

JFK will be having a huge kegger tonight.

Students only!

That is all.

You seem to have this compulsion to nail Cleo

What do you think drives this desire

to act overly macho?

Well, it's my foster parents.

You know that show My Two Dads?

It's like that but more gay.

Mm, look how nice he looks

in the Dockers we bought him.

Dad!

What, you're too good

to be gay like your old man?

Carl, it is not his fault.

Baby was born that way.

[thud]

Death-maze, huh?

Oh, I was in the maze once.

It was hot.

You know, I'm hot now.

Think I'll take my shirt off.

[clippers buzzing]

Ah.

Ready for the weekend!

Gandhi, I think it's really big of you

to skip the party and work the hotline tonight.

Of course.

Sure, I buckled under the pressure

of living up to the original Gandhi

and became a nonstop party machine.

But--damn it.

I still care.

So, Joan,

you can count on me.

No, I'm not at a party.

We're just really busy here at the teen hotline!

Whoo!

Suzy, Kelly, do me a favor and make out!

[laughs]

So you're depressed?

Hey, everybody! It's me, Abe!

[all grumbling]

Hey, everybody! It's a keg of beer!

(all) Abe!

Hey, I thought you had to work the hotline tonight.

No, man, I just forwarded the calls to my cell phone.

Look, I'll talk to you when you can stop crying.

And you're not afraid of Joan catching

and ultimately killing you?

Oh, I'm so scared!

I think I'll just jump off this balcony in case she--

Oh, my god!

[quietly] Yipe.

[thud] - Whoo!

Congratulations, Abe.

The people were clamoring to make asses of themselves,

and you gave them a means to do it.

Not exactly.

I-- [sighs]

I could only get nonalcoholic beer.

They're going to be able to tell.

[humming]

I'm a pony!

You'll be fine.

Joan, have you ever liked someone so much you're afraid

you're gonna blurt out something stupid?

I have a rash on my back.

(Mr. Butlertron) Are you sure this is the best way to do research?

Won't they be able to tell we're not students?

You underestimate me, my metal friend.

Wassup, fellow students!

Raise the roof! Raise it!

Where are my bitches?

Sometimes, I just

turn the lights off in my room and cry.

(Gandhi on phone) I'm sorry, van Gogh, could you speak up?

(van Gogh on phone) The only way I can cling to my sanity

is that nobody knows how lonely I truly am.

[stifles laugh]

He's sad!

- It's hilarious. [laughter]

(van Gogh on phone) Wait. Am I on speakerphone?

Hey, would Gandhi put somebody on speakerphone?

(crowd) No!

This is Gandhi? How could you?

Hey, man, Gandhi's anti-violence, not anti-comedy.

Whew.

Feels good to help people.

[distant music]

Want to talk about it?

You wouldn't understand.

Maybe you should tell Abe how you really feel.

[scoffs]

What good would that do?

Maybe he just thinks you don't think he doesn't want

to not ruin the friendship.

You make it sound so simple.

Maybe one of us just needs to make the first move.

Maybe that one of us is you.

Thanks, Mr. B.

I love you.

Don't mention it.

Wesley.

You know, Abe, maybe its the beer talking.

I doubt it.

It's just, I always saw you as this honest guy,

but now I'm seeing you as a cool guy

who just happens to be honest.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

That's me. Cool, honest Abe.

Oh, Abe, it's like there's a tin can phone

from your brain to my heart.

(man singing) * No regrets tonight you don't care will someone be there *

* To catch you when you fall

[gasps]

[both smooching]

(man singing) * Since you left, I can't recall *

* Feeling so incomplete

That no-good, cheating tramp!

Hey, get off my dinghy!

Not you.

What do you think you are, uh, doing?

Look, Kennedy, we kissed.

I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it,

but we're going to be together forever.

Come on. She's drunk.

She also kissed a talking peanut.

Right here on me left nut!

So who's it gonna be?

Cleo, I care about you.

Every moment we spend together

makes me want to know you more.

My abs are so firm

you can grate cheese on 'em!

It's so hard to choose.

I need some time to be alone.

Nacho?

Oh, man, that does suck.

If that were me,

I would probably kill myself.

Hello?

Hey, Joan, cool stun gun!

Wait, I can explain! Ow!

I forwarded--ooh!

Egg whites only, please.

Teen crisis hotline. We're here because we care.

[screams]

[smacks]

Not a piñata!

It's me, your memorable school chum,

Cloney McStudent.

Piñata!

Uh-huh.

Well, choosing between

a jerk who's good for your image

and a nice, sensitive guy

is not really much of a problem.

What should I do?

[gasps]

Go for the jerk.

Ooh, and sleep with him right away.

It's never to early for your first time!

Oh, and also, don't floss your teeth.

Hmm.

You do have to make sacrifices to be the best.

[sighs] Damn it.

You know what?

Go with the nicer guy.

And flossing keeps gums healthy and removes plaque

from hard-to-brush areas.

Whoo!

Did you just screw yourself.

Whoo!

You know, even if these pants do fall off,

I'm still wearing boxers.

Ah, good thing there was no one around to see that.

Oh, yes.

No one, indeed.

After consulting a random person on the telephone,

I've come to a decision.

I choose you.

Doink. [grunts]

Great.

Abe?

[squeaks] Happy.

Sorry, my dear boy.

Salty seconds!

[laughs]

Want a beer?

Sure.

Maybe pretending to be drunk will ease the pain.

So are you drunk enough yet to sleep with me?

[smacks] - [whimpers] Bobby.

Answer the question!

[siren blaring]

[screaming]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking.

So we meet again.

How are you, underage drinking?

Besides illegal.

Underage drinking?

Shame on all of you.

Shame!

Back to you, Kojak!

This kid's not sober, is he?

And none of you are 21, are you?

And these pot stickers aren't made with real crab, are they?

I stand corrected.

You. You're holding a beer. Get in, get in here!

Well, that's two, which is all we can fit in the squad car.

The rest of you are free to go.

Come on, Abe, leave your friends behind

and come back to my soundproof basement.

(man singing) * Since you left I can't recall feeling so incomplete *

*

Let them go.

Son, if we don't enforce the drinking age

the excitement of sneaking around to get wasted

might disappear forever.

Do you want that on your shoulders, pal?

It's nonalcoholic beer.

[crowd gasps]

(Gandhi) I knew it!

I guess I was just looking for what all of us are--

acceptance.

[coughs] Loser!

[laughter]

I am so funny! [laughs]

(shadowy figure) Where's my report?

[yelps]

(Principal Scudworth) Shadowy figure!

It's actually a funny story.

I was working on it

and I tried to email it to myself,

but then my roommate--

That is a funny story.

Mr. Butlertron, lower the shades and lay down a tarp.

Okay!

I spent the entire weekend among the teenagers!

I was humiliated, degraded, judged.

I felt so alone.

Where'd he go?

I guess you proved to him you understand

what it feels like to be a teenager.

And a piñata.

(Principal Scudworth) Well, from now on, I'll be more sensitive

to the awkwardness and emotional insecurity of today's youth.

Out of my way, fatty.

You too, bad skin.

Well, I'm not going to let this get me down.

[thud]

I'm up!

Look, right now you're a loser.

A big one.

But soon someone else will make

an even bigger ass of themselves and everyone else will forget

about what a big, big, big loser you are.

[loud laughter]

Thanks, van Gogh!

I hate this school.

(announcer) Next week, on a very special Clone High...

Abe's competition with JFK heats up

at the school election.

Gandhi provides some sort of comic relief.

And special guest star Marilyn Manson

makes a shocking confession.

My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'll see you next time

at Clone High.

(Abandoned Pools singing) * Way, way back in the 1980s

* Secret government employees

* Dug up famous guys and ladies *

* And made amusing genetic copies *

* Now the clones are sexy teens now *

* They're going to make it if they try *

* Loving, learning, sharing, judging *

* Time to laugh and shiver and cry *

* Clone High