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Well, it's been.

For a year. We all know why. This is in

the watching walk around.

It's coming.

Down

the.

Over the centuries imagination has propelled man to levels of artistic

excellence. The fine strokes, the complexities of spacing,

the ambient colors of a brilliant painting underscore the epic achievements of

humanity. Now,

you too can experience these epic wonders of mankind with big softy

bathroom tissues. Like Rembrandt,

big softies engineers have used their imagination to create a bathroom tissue

that's soft, yet strong and pliable.

So try big softy bathroom tissues. After all,

doesn't your bottom deserve a Rembrandt?

So what do you think boys?

What is this Rembrandt shit we're pitching toilet paper, not art objects. I.

Was merely equating the creative genius of Rembrandt to the creative

possibilities of personal hygiene.

People don't care about Rembrandt. He croaked without a dime in his pocket.

Rembrandt was an artistic phenomenon.

Morris, the guy was a schmuck. If I had his talent,

I would've died a billionaire.

Well, you ought to be awarded the Nobel Prize. The bottom line, Morris,

is that sales are down Now. Those creative campaigns are passe.

The clients are interested in the bottom line.

You really went overboard this time. Maybe you ought to take a rest.

Of demonstrations.

D old buddy. Set up the bar. Ice, water and clean ashtrays for all my friends.

That's what I like about you, Codman. You're as generous as you're humble.

Thank you. Leave the bus.

Expected toted.

He turn it up. The tv, turn it up.

Another financier from Wall Street was arrested today at his office in downtown

Manhattan. The arrest of Brendan Collins.

As Brendan Collins.

It's very astute of you considering they just announced his name. No, no.

I mean, I know him. Went to business school with him.

He finally caught the clever bastard.

Here's the wallet.

Hey, look at this man.

It's a Rolex. No. Check out this suit, man. Pierre Cardan.

Hey, you think I look good? Infant? Strong?

Definitely. Yo,

I like these shoes for the SOS.

Theses.

Hmm.

It's a jungle out there. Well, that must've been some putty.

Yeah.

Happy Hunter.

Hey, this must have been good.

Soft, soft.

There. I.

So what's wrong?

Truth, justice in the American way.

I've been struggling my whole life to maintain the shred of artistic integrity

and nobody caress

said my music wasn't commercial enough.

Now my god damn commercials aren't commercial enough.

I can't win with this public.

Then why don't you go back to music?

Oh, please.

Advertising is only a temporary thing anyway.

Something that you could do just so you can make enough money to do what you

really wanted.

Please. We've been over this a million times.

I could never make it in a music business with just some sweet teen dream never

panned down. Good.

Morris Codman. That is a defeatist attitude and I won't tolerate it.

You possess all of this creative genius and it is being wasted on

crap.

The world revolves around crap, darling, and you just got to wallow in it.

If you're going to make a buck.

You are making me.

Nauseous. Well, you better get used to it.

Because from now on you're going to see a.

New Mors Codman.

I'm going to play their game and I'm going to play it so goddamn well,

they're going to choke on their own horseshit.

Well then if that's the new Mors Codman,

I don't want to have anything to do with him.

What? Wait, come here.

I've had better days.

Policemen swinging riot sticks.

Stormed into a crowd of more than 2000 demonstrators in Prague Central Square

today. Pinning me to the ground.

Hey Morris. Hey Morris.

I haven't got all day wake up.

There. Yeah.

Why did you take a sort of a wild guess?

You look like my old Latin professor from Andover.

I'm the Lord. You twit.

God. What are you doing on my TV set?

Well, the burning bush entrances are out this year.

I have to compete prime time.

That must be dreaming.

I think my backhand is really improving. I'm sort of getting over on the ball,

sort of like, Yvonne, what do you think? That's pretty good for a supreme being,

isn't it? Watch this. Look.

Can I help you with something? I haven't done anything wrong, have I?

I'm not dead. Am I? Did I drink too much scotch?

No, no, no. Nothing like that at all. That'll all come a little bit later. No,

no. I'm here as a fellow Ivy Leaguer to give you some advice.

Well, that's very considerate. What should I do with my life?

Well, I think you ought to go into business.

My own business. Maybe you're right. You think so?

Do I think so? Of course. I think so. I'm the Lord,

capital L, capital H when him is in the middle of a sentence.

My own business, huh? Yeah.

I think you should incorporate sub chapter S under the federal code.

If you do that, it gives you a better tax break.

You don't have to pay twice the taxes you do in a regular corporation. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

Of course it makes sense. You keep forgetting.

I am the Lord.

I'm not a second rate fly by night public accountant. One other thing,

don't take in any partners. You don't see me with any partners,

do you?

Right, right. No partners. What kind of business should it be?

Well, I'm late.

I've got to go off and play tennis with the c e O of General Motors.

I understand. Thank you.

Really. Thanks a lot

with the Reverend Billy Bob Mackelroy.

Friends, my friends. God.

God is good. But most importantly, as we all know,

he's a southerner. He's a white Southerner and he's a Republican.

So today, my friends, I want you to praise the Lord.

I want you to praise him by holding hands. Come on, everybody.

Grab hold of the person next to you and close your eyes

and reach down into your soul.

Reach down into your soul. And praise God Almighty, everybody.

For you, good people at home,

I want you to reach down into your soul,

reach down into your heart,

and reach down into your pocketbook and send me the Reverend Billy

Bob McIlroy your check for $25 and send $25

to my political action committee.

Remember,

we accept all Maia credit cards from the holy.

Oh, hello, Mr. Kaman. How are you?

Fine her. How are you?

Oh, well, what can I do for you?

Well, first off, I'd like an accounting in my personal assets, and secondly,

I'd like to start a corporate checking account.

Transferring what I've got in my money market account.

Well first we'll need some basic information.

What is the name of the corporation?

The name is Religion Incorporated.

Religion Incorporated. That's an odd name.

Will you be manufacturing religious articles?

Oh, no. Nothing like that. It's more of a service oriented company.

Oh really? What exactly will you be doing?

Well, I'm starting my own Religion and Religion Inc.

Will be the corporate holding company.

I see.

Yes. Well, you see,

God spoke to me and told me to start the corporation and subchapter ss.

Oh, God spoke to you and told you Subchapter SS corporation.

Yes. Really nice guy, very wise in the ways of business. Told me no partners,

which I interpret to me no voting stock for anybody but myself.

Would you interpret it the same way?

Oh yes, of course I would. Would you excuse me for a minute?

Certainly. Look, I know it sounds weird, but I know what I'm doing.

Oh, I know you do. I'll be right back.

What is it? Whipple?

I need your Okay. In this corporate account.

What's the problem?

That's Morris Codman. He's a good customer.

I know, sir.

Well then what do you need me for?

I think Mr. Codman has gone off the deep end.

Oh, really?

He wants to open account for a new corporation.

That's not unusual.

I asked him what the company would do.

He said it's going to be a holding company for a new religion that he's starting

and that God told him to do it. Oh,

and that God gave him what I would call some very good tax advice.

That's unusual. What was the initial deposit?

He's committed over a quarter a million dollars.

What the hell is the problem?

I'd open an account for a guy who thought he was Jesus Christ.

There's a quarter of million dollars in it.

So you want me to open the account?

Hell yes. Besides those advertising people are all kind of nuts. Who knows?

Maybe it's original work.

We'll just have you fill out the signature cards

and a corporate resolution form

and we'll be all set. Thank you.

What kind of religion are you starting?

I'm not sure yet.

You're not sure yet?

Well, we'll be commissioning a market study first, a poll.

We'll give an idea of what the majority of religious consumers want and which

ideas will sell the best, and then as usual, I'll come up with a great concept.

That's very interesting.

The bank would be most interested in following your progress.

Well, I'll put you on our mailing list.

Thank you.

Debbie. Debbie.

Debbie. Hi. Hi.

Listen, I have to talk to you. Let's go have.

Lunch. Morris. I'm really busy. I have to be in court in an hour.

Are you defending another rapist?

It's not funny.

I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. I want to apologize for the last one.

Yeah, well, actions speak louder than words.

Well, I'm done with advertising.

Oh, they fire you.

Let's just say the office was too small to accommodate the number of egos

inhabiting it. Come on, I got you.

Run that by me. Again.

A religion. Look, I know it sounds ridiculous, but you see,

I had a vision the other night after you stormed out of the apartment. Oh, a.

Vision.

I spoke to God. He told me what to do.

Morris, if this is another one of your stupid jokes,

I fear you reached an ultimate low. I'm.

Serious and you can help me. I'll run the business. You give me legal advice,

you'll make a bundle. God, man, how the hell are you? Hey, Anderson,

how's it going for you? Couldn't be better, but we miss you back at the agency.

Yeah, bet.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

You're consumed by this desire to vindicate yourself on society.

Don't give me your third grade psychology. Okay? I mean,

your idea of a perfect lover is somebody who wages a one man crusade against the

system. I can't pretend to do that anymore.

I'm going with the flow. I'm going to give people what they want.

Immediate gratification. What a fine contribution to humanity.

I don't call being a public defender. The height of artistic awareness. Well,

at least I defend the poor and the destitute. More like the guilty and sleazy.

You are an asshole. Come. Debbie. Debbie.

Debbie.

Women Sometimes you wish you had.

That extra rib.

Put it over there.

You put all the furniture over there until they finish painting. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Come on Debbie, where are you?

Shall I send the next applicant in? Mr. Codman?

Yes. And Peggy, you can call me Morris.

Next.

Nerd Ball nerd Ball. Gee

nerd ball name.

Bink Harrison.

Job experience.

I was host of. Sell Your Dignity.

Sell Your Dignity.

Yes. It's the game show,

the one where the contestants have to dress up and act like farm animals in

front of complete strangers in order to win large sums of money and major

appliances.

Well, thank you.

Could you ask Peggy to send the next applicant in on your way out?

I'm very versatile. Look, I really need this job.

I even do impersonations. You hugger. I know you're,

but where am I at?

Where's my hat? Us.

On the floor. Don't just take it when that happens.

Well, that's it.

No more. Thank God. How many did I see?

37.

Jesus. Now one of them fits the bill. Alright, call the modeling agency.

Have 'em send over another batch tomorrow.

Right? If you don't mind me asking,

what exactly are you looking for?

Someone with a little charisma.

Someone who can act as the spiritual leader of a religion.

Right?

You did say you had enough money to pay my salary for six months, didn't you?

You think I'm totally irrational, don't you?

Oh no. I'd never think that about you.

Come on, I'm going to be working together now. Let's be honest with each other.

You think I'm irrational, right?

Well, not irrational.

Then. What? Stupid.

No.

Possessed.

No.

Erratic.

No.

Crazy.

Yeah, that's it. Crazy.

I knew it, but believe me, I'm totally s Sapient.

I am as sane as the chairman of the Board of General Motors.

You'll see,

As you can see on page 24, 80 9% responded in the affirmative.

So even with the error factor of say plus or minus four,

the wealth issue seems to dominate. Yes. It's consistent with my data as well.

Data. Data.

So what you're saying is that by cross tabulating the data from the moral and

ethical questions in the poll with the need and desire questions,

the only issues that rate higher than basic morality to the average Americans

are wealth, success and power. Is that correct? On a subconscious level,

of course these findings are very interesting. Yes.

Now what about the competition? Oh yes.

The raw data for these questions appears on pages 68 through 91 data data.

As best I can figure,

you're up against some very entrenched competition and that's not surprising

considering most of these religions have been around for centuries.

So what did all.

That mean?

It means the foremost on people's minds is the acquisition of wealth and power.

Sorry, you paid.

12 Grand for them to tell you that you could have asked me.

No. It also proves that people will forsake morality to achieve that wealth.

That's news to you. You must've lived a sheltered.

Life. No, you don't understand. Not only does this poll prove it scientifically,

it shows me how and where to reach these people and how to sway them most

efficiently.

So.

So someone with intelligence and socioeconomic savvy, me for instance,

can with the right marketing,

capitalize on these emotions and make history at the same time.

So what's this religion going to be about?

Well, the message will be simple. It's okay to be selfish.

You should seek power, wealth,

and status because personal selfishness ultimately benefits the public interest.

Yeah, it's perfect.

It's like a combination of Adam Smith's invisible hand concept and Newton's

theory of natural order. Who? What?

It's like taking the worst of capitalism and splicing it with the best of

Christianity.

Christianity, right.

Because in the process of being selfish,

you're actually helping your fellow man a genetic miracle, if you will.

We will create a new moral code that can be used as a mental crutch to help ease

the conscience of the average person.

It sounds more like a genetic freak to me.

What are you going to call this Frankenstein monster?

Well, let's see. Alright, let's see.

Protestants are called such because they protested the dominant religion of the

time. So in keeping with that type of name, well,

since ours is a faith that doesn't protest so much as it

prefers, we'll call it the preference church.

The preference church. God, it's brilliant. It's also not copyrighted.

You didn't hear that right?

Why?

I hope my paycheck doesn't bounce.

Any models catch your eye today.

Unfortunately not.

Well, we've just about covered every modeling agency in New York.

Maybe you're looking for your spiritual leader in the wrong place.

Ever thought of trying Wall Street?

That's very funny.

Well, I'm going see you tomorrow.

Right? Listen, shut off the light on your way out. I think better in the dark.

Whatever you say.

He's Looney tunes.

That old time religion

gave me that old time religion.

It was good enough for me.

Let us pray to Afro.

Let us pray to Afro.

She wears that See through 90 and that's good enough

for me. Give me that old time religion.

Give me that old time religion.

Give me that old time religion.

It was good enough for me.

It was very good.

I didn't realize there was someone here.

Would you like me to come back to clean the office? Oh no.

No. Come right in. What's your name?

Ian. Ian what?

Ian. Clarity.

My name is Morris Cotton. How do you do?

Fine.

Can I help you with anything or are you just fascinated with people who are

less fortunate on a socioeconomic level?

Hey, did you graduate high school?

High school? Shit,

I have a PhD in philosophy from N Y U.

You're kidding. What the hell are you doing? Cleaning offices?

It's a long story.

Let's just say I was one of them naive idealist who came of age during the

sixties and when the seventies came around I couldn't see it as a passing fad.

So rather than conform and become a money hungry clone in a pinstripe,

you decided to drop out.

More like drop down.

So how's it working out for you?

Truthfully, one's dignity. It's pretty vulnerable. Pushing the broom. I mean,

being poor and humble isn't quite as tranquil as I thought it would be.

You're very distinguished looking.

One might even say you have a certain charisma.

I wonder how you look without that beard.

Are you queer or something? No.

Maybe I should explain. You see,

I've got a job opening and it's got certain requirements and I haven't met

anyone who fits the bill. In fact, you've come the closest.

A job.

Is it better than emptying trash and dusting offices?

I'd say so. See,

I'm starting my own religion and I need a spiritual leader to

represent the faith.

Your own religion.

Men. That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Pays $50,000 a year.

But then again, a lot of great men were called stupid in their day.

What does spiritual leader entail?

Making speeches, television interviews, TV commercials,

possibly your own TV show.

Sounds dull. I'm used to the fast-paced life of the janitorial service industry.

Would I get paid vacation? Sure.

But you got to shave that beard.

It's a small amount. Sacrifice. What sort of philosophy will I espouse?

You're going to preach that it's okay to be selfish and seek wealth status and

fame because it ultimately promotes the public interest.

You're talking like laissez fair capitalist theory.

Shit sounds like a white man's religion. I don't know if I should mention this,

but have you noticed that I'm black.

That's the beauty of it. With a white guy preaching this crap,

I'd alienate too many minorities, but with you it's perfect.

I'm going to get the white people anyway, but with you,

who knows what markets I could tap?

Boy, you are nuts,

but for 50 grand I'm willing to make an ass out of myself for a little while.

You are a low level executive at a major corporation. Around lunchtime,

you pass by a colleague's desk and notice a memo nearly completed detailing a

brilliant idea that would boost sales.

You steal the idea and hand it in to your boss as your own and now you feel

guilty, but you shouldn't feel guilty by looking out for your own interests.

You are in fact helping your fellow man. How?

Now you can send away for a new book called 101 Ways to a Job Promotion,

which gives you detailed information on how to increase your status and salary

in 101 ways and explains why your own advancement is in the public interest.

Just send 7 95 to the preference Church Printing House, Fox 5,000, New York,

New York, the preference church because it's time to feel good about yourself.

What do you think it.

Needs work? Who wrote it?

You did Morris.

Then again, I see it having great potential.

Get abroad with bigger knockers next time and have her use a camera that looks

more phallic. I want this commercial to have magical implications.

Okay, got it. What about the media buy.

All TV stations in the tri-state area air during primetime news,

you know the demographics now any luck in getting Ian a speaking engagement?

Well so far the only two groups that have shown interest are the young

Republicans and the northern chapter of the Kuku Klux plan.

The clan? Yeah. Ian may be at a slight disadvantage with them.

Let's go with the Republicans.

Got it?

Yeah, you look like a real class act. I feel like an imposter.

You're going to eat 'em up when you get out there.

Not with this speech. I want. This shit reads like the Encyclopedia Botanical.

You just do the best job you can and you'll remember there's a big bonus lurking

somewhere on the horizon for you. How inspired.

Ready? Yep.

Break.

Can I have your attention please? Ladies and gentlemen,

the Preference Church is proud to introduce to you our spiritual

leader, Dr. Ian. Clarity.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

As you heard,

my name is Ian Clarity and I'm here today to tell you

about a new religion called the Preference Church,

which is spousals of philosophy that you may find agreeable.

The Preference Church was formed because we believe there is a greater this

present between religious beliefs and their practical applications.

We think the preference church has bridged this gap.

We believe that if an individual truly acts selfishly,

he would work toward producing something that would be of

value to others

and that directly benefits the public interest.

Look,

for years I have been inflicted with the religious dogma that

religion and business don't mix.

They say we must be fair with our fellow businessmen that we must be honest and

good, that we must forsake the extra dollar for peace and harmony.

I forsake nothing.

Religion must and will embrace the essence of business.

He's deviating from the.

Speech. That is why should we stop.

Him?

No, no, no, no. He's onto something.

We believe greed and self-interests are beautiful.

As a boy,

the minister told me to give to others that it brought you closer to God.

I say poppycock. The fact is we are selfish.

I'm selfish. You are selfish. It's in our nature.

So let's stop fighting it and start treating it like a friend.

We could use it to make our society run better. The more selfish,

the more we make, the better off we feel, the better off our brethren be.

So be selfish.

It's good and good for you and good for

your fellow man.

Our country was made great because men like Vanderbilt and Gould,

the rubber barons of our golden years pursued self-interest and greed at the

expense of the week.

The game was survival and they brought fantastic wealth into their lives

and into America.

These men reached their potential because they lacked conscience.

Conscience, ladies and gentlemen, is the sin of capitalism,

the sin of the preference.

Conscience is an artificial intangible manufactured by

established religions in order for them to maintain their hold on society,

I say that it is time that we broke the shackles

of the traditional religions and believe in something that

works. Join me, join me.

Forget about being true to God.

Join the preference church and be true and be true to

yourself.

What exactly is this prayer book?

That is a book with 365 individual thoughts for the day.

The devout church member reads one a day and each thought is an insightful quote

from a famous preference church. Prophet. Prophet.

Like who?

Like John d Rockefeller, JP Morgan, Adam Smith, Napoleon,

Ronald Reagan.

Hey, that's great.

Yeah. Look, here's one, an old English proverb,

a fool and his money are soon pardoned.

I'll take one. How much do I owe you?

13, 9, 5.

Oh.

Thank you.

So you see for an annual contribution of $1,200 a preference church

representative will come to your business once a month and he'll preach to your

employees and say whatever it is you want them to hear.

I'd like to say from the outset that though we espouse certain beliefs about how

to act towards your boss and your fellow employees,

I won't tolerate them in this organization. Oh, in other words,

practice what you preach and you get fired.

That's right.

We're going to have staff meetings like this from now on once a week so we all

have a good handle on what's going on. Okay, let's get started.

We'll begin with the finance, Tom.

Alright, well gross receipts as usual are on a steady increase.

Book sales are 30% over last week. However,

contributions after speaking engagements ran even due to a plateau in the number

of events.

Well, that'll change when we can schedule more events. Thanks Tom.

Let's go to publishing, Dave.

Well, as Tom says, book sales are booming,

which means we'll have to reprint fairly soon.

How do we stand?

Well, the book 101 Ways to a Job Promotion is almost out.

We've got 10,000 copies of Extramarital Affairs a handbook.

We're completely out of how to make big bucks off the poor and destitute.

Okay, reprint poor and destitute immediately.

Let's start running those TV spots again. Pull the spots on job promotion,

reprint those, but keep running the ads on extramarital until we run it right.

Sam, how are we doing on publicity?

Well, it's pretty good.

Ian's speech to the Chamber of Commerce was covered by local news.

We've got articles coming out this week in the Times and next week in the

Journal. I'm also working on the editor of People Magazine.

What's your name? Gladys. What church did you belong to? Gladys.

Well, I was a born again Christian. Now you are preference. That's right.

What made you convert? Well,

I had high blood pressure and a weak heart.

When I walked I got out of breath and my doctor said I was very

sick and all the while I was working down at that local

charity trying to help out my fellow man.

Then what happened? Well, I started to look out for my own needs.

I stole from the charity. Yes, I cheated on my husband.

Come on, come on. I sold my body to a stranger. Alright.

Yes.

I spit on a blind person. All right,

well I can see you've gotten into the spirit of being a true preference and

how do you feel now? I feel great.

The doctor says I'm all cured. He's a preference too. Oh,

I owe it all to you, Dr. Clarity. Amen. Oh,

that's wonderful. Hallelujah. Why don't you show us how healthy you are,

John, for us with you. Come on, come on.

Come on up there. Yes.

Let's go with the cancer bit this time.

Hallelujah.

And what's your name sir? My name is Joseph.

Well, Joseph, what church did you belong to? Well,

I was a Presbyterian and now you preference why? Well,

my doctor told me that I had cancer. I didn't have very long to live.

Why were you sick, Joseph? Well, it's because like you were saying before,

I wasn't being true to myself. You know, I'm a stockbroker,

but I always tried to get my clients the best deal.

Then what did you do? Well, I started looking out for my own self-interest.

If one client would phone me up and say wanted to buy a thousand shares of a

stock,

I'd phone up another client and tell 'em to sell a thousand shares of the same

stock one would buy, the other one would sell. They both lose money,

but I'd make two commissions.

And my cancer is in remission.

I would.

Just like to say I came to New York two weeks ago to drive taxi cab.

I couldn't speak any English and my customers were ripping me off blind.

That is when I decided to give up Hindu Faith to join Preference church.

Thanks to the preference church and not speak perfect English shit.

Piss fucking son of a bitch.

I got my green card because the preference workshop taught me how to bribe

officials and now I make even more money because I learned how to speed up meter

machine in cab. Now I can cheat my customers.

I feel like real American citizen thanks to you preference church.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you.

I dunno about you,

but I feel the power of self-interest. Yes, I do.

These people have been cured because they

believe in the miracle of self-interest. I'm talking of a preference society,

a utopian world. Never help a fellow human being.

Never give charity unless of course it's tax deductible.

Remember.

The road.

To utopia is caved with bad intentions.

Now if you all believe, I want you to do as I say,

raise your left hand in the air. Come on everybody raise them up. Come on,

raise them up. Now with your right hand,

reach in your pocket and take out your wallet and hold it out in front of you.

Yes, and with this holy water. Amen brother.

I will come around to each and every one of you and bless your wallets

individually, but first,

take your left hand and reach in your wallet and pull out a $10

bill.

You must sacrifice that 10 to prove you

believe in yourself.

Thank you. Thank you. That was terrific. Ian,

that was great. Hey, hey, hey. Are you all right? Yeah. No, listen,

you have to have this pain checked out.

It's nothing. I used to get a lot when I was a kid.

Whipple, get in here. Yes sir.

Isn't that Morris Codman's outfit?

That's right.

And you didn't want to open a new account.

That's why you'll never succeed in life. Whipple. Now get Codman on the phone.

I want it all. Lord.

Don't you think there's some worthy humanitarian cause that we can devote our

life to.

Causes.

My middle name? Babe.

Remember Morris, tell me something dirty.

Ah Morris, you're late for your luncheon.

Shit.

Hope you don't mind sitting at the bar.

I feel more at home somehow.

No problem. I like Morris too.

Morris, how's it hanging?

De couldn't be better. How you doing?

Good. Been shitfaced lately.

Deep. This is my banker to a French.

Christ. Sorry buddy. What do you have.

Mike?

This.

So what do you want to talk about?

Well, I hear you're doing quite a business lately. Yeah.

Sales are up.

Watch the foam Joe. Beer mustache a dead giveaway back at the office.

You alright Joe? You want a heimlick?

No. So sales are up, up, up, up. Yeah.

I've seen is your bank statement here,

your daily balance summaries are on a healthy and steady increase.

Oh, he needs a good idea Joe and the ambition to follow through on it.

This is America.

America, yeah. Yeah, apparently.

So I'd like to know more about this religion E.

Well, we're just in the initial phase of the business plan.

Now we're test marketing the religion in the region,

but when finances weren't it, we're going to go national.

Anything wrong? You look so happy.

Tell Tom and the rest of the people from finance to get into my office.

Morris Codman please.

May I ask who's calling?

Morris Codman? Tell 'em it's his old partner in crime. He'll know who it is.

Brendan, you son of a bitch.

Hey Cobin, what's going on?

Well, you tell me. Last I read you were going to prison for insider trading.

Not old Brendan Collins. That was just a minor scrape.

Minor scrape shit.

I thought Wall Street was going to be run from Alcatraz there for a while.

I ratted in a few colleagues. They let me off easy. No problem at all,

my friend.

Now you just sent a few of your closest friends to prison, huh?

Well they were a bunch of shit bumps.

Brendan, you are corrupt.

Thank you very much. But I understand you're doing pretty well.

Yeah, you could say that.

Well listen,

we've come a long way since you and I were in Wharton school together.

Yep. Long way.

What are you going to do with this new religion of yours?

What do you mean?

Well, how about taking it public,

make a stock offering Amex over the counter, something like that.

Well the thought has occurred to me.

Let's have lunch and talk about it.

Alright.

Morris, I got to go.

Alright, I'll see you next week.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

What a sleaze ball sucker. Jesus.

We realize this is a highly unusual move holding a press conference to announce

a new stock offering, but we felt that since Religion Inc.

Is the first corporation in the religious business to go public that you might

want an opportunity to ask us questions directly. Miles.

Thank you Mr. Codman. Simply what is the initial share price set at.

The initial share price will be $3 a share that reflects a price earning ratio

of five.

Thank you. Mr. Collins, what role do you play in this transaction?

I'm merely a financial advisor to the church,

but I like to make one thing very clear until I read about the preference

church, I wasn't a very religious guy.

Now I have something to believe in and hell, if I can be converted, anybody can.

Do you plan to buy preference Church stock? As.

You guys say about me in print, I know a good deal when I see one.

Dr. Clarity,

don't you think that this is setting a dangerous precedent by mixing religion

and business?

As far as I'm concerned, religion is business. Like any other corporation,

we're simply providing a service that satisfies our customer's desires.

Besides we are just capitalizing on a demand that's been around for a long time.

We wouldn't have been so successful otherwise.

Oh, good.

Morning, Mr. Codman.

Good day Mr. Codman. Morning, Mr. Codman. Good morning, Mr. Codman.

Good morning sir. How are you Mr. Coley? This morning?

Morris.

Don't disturb me. No calls.

Debbie Cosgrove.

Debbie, hi, it's me.

Hi Mars.

That's it. Hi Morriss. We haven't spoken in months. All I get is a Hi Mars.

What'd you expect?

Well, congratulations. Might be nice to start.

I dunno if you've been reading the papers lately, I've become quite famous.

I know. I saw your face in business week.

Yeah. Bad photograph, huh?

No. I thought it was rather well done. Made you look like an asshole.

Jealousy will get you nowhere. Deb.

You know Morris, I used to think that despite it all,

there was an element of decency in you, a possibility of redemption,

but you know now I'm not so sure. In fact, I rather doubt it.

You seem to get such a thrill out of taking advantage of these poor people who

are too naive to know any better.

Don't you realize that you could be using your brains to educate these people on

the tragedy in this world instead of promoting it to make a buck?

Come on babe, give me a break. Rome wasn't built in a day.

You are impossible. Don't ever call me again.

I suppose that means a dinner at the plaza is out of the question.

Bingo.

She really loves me.

You have some recent data you want to go over with me?

Yes, Cardinal.

It seems the latest figures on church attendance have dropped dramatically this

month and this follows a sharp decline last month.

What are you saying?

I'm saying there are fewer people going to church and other research points to

the fact that there are fewer Catholics in the United States than there were a

year ago. A lot fewer.

What is the cause.

According to the statistics we've seen,

the only religion that's on the upswing is this new one. The preference Church.

Oh, those heretics. Oh dear. What are we to do?

Well, Catholicism isn't the only religion that's seen a sharp decline.

In fact,

I've been in contact with both Rabbi Bernstein and Bishop Chauncey and they feel

we ought to have a summit meeting of representatives from all the traditional

faiths to discuss this problem.

Won't see me. That's right Reverend. How can I help you?

That's how we can help each other. How's that?

Well, Billy Bob.

I understand that contributions your ministry are way, way down. Well,

how in the hell you know that I got my sources, but that's not important.

What's important is that you're losing parishioners left and right to the

preference church.

That shit Digger Ian Clarity would not know God if he bit him on the ass.

The point is Billy Bob,

that if something disastrous happened to the preference church,

we could both make a hell of a lot of money.

Well now why would you want that to happen?

I thought you had lots of money invested in this is true. This is true.

I stand to make a little bit of money if they do well,

but if I knew something bad was going to happen and I knew when it was going to

happen, well shit,

I'd just sell short and we'd both make a hell of a lot of money.

Why do you need me? You're the key. You see, I could come up with my own scam,

Billy Bob, but if the s e c ever traced it back to me, they say, Brendan,

you're fucking with the stock market again.

My friend and I can go to jail and Billy Bob, I do not want to go back to jail.

Well what's to stop me from doing this without you?

I'm going to cut you in Big Billy Bob real big.

Well.

Oh no, no, no, not me. Let me think on it. Okay? Alright, sure. Good.

God has spoke to me this,

he told me about building his church and they're trying to cut in on me.

It's not fair baby. It's not fair and the Lord has spoken.

Hey River Lucas, where the hell you been? I told you to be here an hour ago.

I'm sorry. Reverend Billy. Bob. I was stuck in traffic. Shut up. Cars out there.

Shut up and listen.

Now as soon as we got ourselves a problem with this clarity fella in this new

fangled church, that boy's giving me hemorrhoids.

He's got to go.

I think you should get up there on TV and insult the shit out of him. No, no,

no. I want you to find some dirt on clarity even if you got to make it up.

The boy's acting a little too white for his own good. Sure day go up. Oh,

Lucas, get some pictures.

We're going to hang this boy by his nuts till he's singing soprano.

It is great to be famous. Don't let it get to your head too late.

You're Dr.

Clarity, aren't you? That's right. Well, I just want to thank you. Thank.

You for your spiritual leadership. You brought happiness in the filming. Oh,

it was my pleasure.

By Wife Wallet.

Holy shit. I knew we shouldn't have walked down Wall Street. I'm protected.

Today.

Just think it wasn't long ago I was cleaning out their offices and now I'm

cleaning out their wallets.

Don't be shy.

Are any of you girls religious?

The long and short of the situation is that the religion business is categorized

in what we marketing people call a mature industry. In a mature industry,

there's very little, if any room for market growth. Therefore,

the only way to get more business is to steal it away from the competition.

That is what the preference church did to you in a very successful marketing

campaign and that is what we must do to them.

Cardinal McCarthy is right in pointing out that we should fight them as a group.

My staff and I are therefore recommending that we call this group the

Alliance Religions and our slogan,

which illustrates the basic message of our ad campaign will be

the Alliance religions because God knows what he's doing.

What about Allah?

In certain niche markets will replace the word God with Allah.

Also in a mature industry,

it is very important to first run promotions to lure prospective customers.

This is big burger's Merry meal.

It's sold in big burger restaurants across the country as a smaller meal for

children.

We are currently in negotiation with Big Burger Corporation to rename it.

Big burgers Holy meal.

These are meal cards to be passed out in every church and temple

across the country and stamped every time a member of the congregation attends

services. When a member has six stamps,

he or she will be able to redeem it at any participating big burger for a

free holy meal.

What is this merry meal? Is it kosher?

Yes. Now another promotion we'll be running are free trips to either Rome or

Jerusalem.

Hi Reverend. You wanted me to check in? No, I'm back at the hotel.

He's having some party. No, there's nothing worth photographing.

Just a lot of drinking drugs, tits and ass. Nothing unusual for a preference,

right? I'll call you if you've got something bad.

Yes. Take me. Take me.

Hi, I'm Jose Torres. As a former light heavyweight jack champion of the world.

I've knocked out some pretty tough customers. Every time I threw a punch,

I pray to God I connected.

That's why I simply pray to God.

I'm not ashamed to say You too can pray to God and get

exactly the same results.

Go to an alliance church and pray for forgiveness of

all your sins and also become eligible to win

a full free case of smelling salt

autographed by me, Jose Torres.

Alliance Religions, because God knows what he's doing. It.

Looks like we've had a more profound effect on society than I thought.

Maybe too profound. You all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine. Thank you. Yes,

thank you.

You all right?

It is not my appendix, is it Doug? Pain's on the wrong side. Well,

what do you think it is? From all I can tell, there's nothing wrong.

Say what? There's nothing physically wrong with you, Dr.

Clarity and what are we doing to boost donations at that level?

Well, we've initiated cocktail hours after every sermon,

which have proved enormously popular.

It gives the minister a chance to mingle with the congregation and by charging

$4 a drink, we're making.

A bundle. That's very good. And tell me,

is our mission in Beverly Hills still our most profitable one?

Oh yes, but the Greenwich Connecticut mission is catching up.

Morris, Peggy, I'm busy. What is it? You.

Have a visitor?

A visitor. Peggy, you know better than it's your mother. What

Mom? You look different.

It's called age Morris.

It's most noticeable when you don't visit your mother too often.

Now what is this about you being on television and not telling me?

I had to hear it for Mrs. Bentley. Do you know how embarrassing that is?

Gentlemen, could you excuse us? I'll call you later.

We'll finish up this meeting.

Sorry Ma.

You traveled 500 miles to tell me that.

No, I came to see what you were up to.

Well, as you can see, I'm doing quite well. You.

Call this, well, who's your decorator? What hideous taste?

Where are you staying with.

You? Of course.

Ma. You wouldn't want to stay with me.

I'm not going to be very good company these days.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'll lock the You're still blocked area.

Hello, Mr. Washington. Debbie Cosgrove, your court appointed attorney.

I don't need no court appointed shit.

Of course you do.

You're facing some very serious charges here.

I'm innocent, baby.

I'll be out of here tonight. My bitches will get my bail. There is.

No bail. This is your third offense.

They caught you soliciting for two prostitutes and when they searched your

Cadillac.

There ain't no Cadillac. That's a Lincoln.

Whatever. When they searched your Lincoln,

they found two ounces of cocaine in your glove compartment and they've got you

for possession and intent to distribute.

Now that's a capital offense in the state.

Don't sweet talk me mama.

You are going to have to take this seriously, Mr. Washington sheriff call.

Report, sheriff call report.

Now we can either beat the drug charge by claiming illegal search and seizure or

we can beat the distribution charge by proving that the two ounces were for

personal consumption. Point is, can we prove that you're not a pimp?

I ain't no pimp. I'm their manager.

I don't care what you call it.

The judge is going to think that you're a pimp and we have to prove that you're

not.

That judge is going to let me off, man, and then he's going to shake my hand.

Well, I'm so glad that you're so confident.

Sure, because I'm a religious devote. So is that judge?

You know Brother Ian, clarity, he's my main dude.

Excuse me.

Brother Ian says that I ain't no pimp. I'm just being a true preference baby.

That's right. A true preference.

And ain't no judge ever convicted someone a practicing his religion, man.

And you know why? Religious freedom. That's why religious freedom.

That's why them pilgrims came over here for.

And that's what this country's all about. Hey, hey, where you going?

The court will appoint you another attorney. Hey.

No way. I want you. You fine looking.

I mean you got a lot of talent. I could manage you.

We could make lots of money and we could be helping society. I.

Can't represent you. Conflict of interest.

Conflict. This bitch. Nobody says no to Leroy Washington.

You done made a mistake, baby. I got friends.

Lots of friends on the outside to take care of you. I don't get mad, baby.

I just get even.

I always wonder when we are apart,

is there something connecting the heart Black, alive

finds stronger than ring. You know,

lost stand. I've been. You've been on your own.

You work so hard. Just.

Give me five bucks, man. I'm sick.

Give me a break. I'm sick.

You're sick. I've got wife five kids, mistress,

gambling debts not for me. I'm your twin.

I'm a torn in your side.

Talk to me wise, man. What do you know about pains in my side?

I am the ugly side of the truth. The one you'd rather forget,

but I'm staring at you now. You've got to deal with me now.

Truth prophet.

The truth is that as every one of us, that's what balances the soul.

Don't tip the balance.

Either you're one smart con man

or you are onto something.

I'm just living day by day.

Well, let's have a good day. Get it. It's yours.

I'm getting too little of yours.

Show me. Town wants to go

show the whole town.

Isn't that what they call insider trading?

That's such a nasty pictures.

Oh.

Actually caught the song bitch. Giving money to a beggar. Very, very good.

We'll take 'em. The cleaners with this. You really think so Brother Billy?

You let old Brendan work his magic. We'll let the media do our dirty work.

Hey, sweet thing. Sweet thing.

Leroy Washington told me to pay his respects. He says,

time to feel good about yourself.

Dr. Becker.

Hi God. I'm so sorry. How do you feel.

Rio? Call on line five. Dr. Biscaro, call on line five.

One of your disciples did this.

Well get out.

I am out.

I'm sorry.

I always wonder when we apart,

if there is something connect to the heart,

like a live where maybe a strength that finds stronger than a way

ring. You know you touch me when you're far away.

I feel your heart beating every day.

And if I'm laying in my bed all alone,

my heart is like a telephone or well,

you know how lost and alone I've been because you've been there on your

own. And so you work so hard.

Bullshit.

You'll be so glad you decided to stay for what's a woman you

do like this.

What's a woman? You do

like this? What's a.

Woman like you doing in a part like this?

God, God, God, God,

God.

You want to listen?

It's me. Morris Codman. Listen, I got problems. We got to talk.

Morris. Morris, I'll give you two minutes. One would be much better.

Thank you. You know that business that I started, it hasn't worked out so well.

Oh.

Yes. That business of yours. Yes. I've been getting some complaints.

Yeah. I started my own religion and it really got out of hand.

Oh, Morris, you've got to stay out of the religion business. It'll hurt you.

Look, it's done. Look what it's done to me.

You told me to go into business. You gave me signs.

Signs. Morris. I don't give signs.

People think I give signs and they say the silliest things in my name.

It's really very disconcerting and quite mean.

Well, how do I get out of this? Please?

I don't know how you rectify that situation, Morris.

I having the slightest idea. New people have to solve your own problems.

Now go away.

Morris. Morris. Hey man. How do you feel? Better? Listen, Morris,

we've got to talk. I know it's a pain in your side.

Your conscience giving it to you. Huh? How do you know?

I think I'm starting to get the same ailment except it's in my head.

It seems my better half is haunting me. I know it. It's good.

You and I got a better half.

Join the preference church.

Come grow with us.

The preference church because it's time to feel good about yourself.

Who is it?

It's Sam, Mr. I'm here to see Morris.

Sam,

the nice girl from the office aren't just starting work a little early.

This is an emergency.

So would you like a cup of coffee's.

Going on out here? Hey Sam, what are we going.

To do?

About what?

This is a disaster. We have to issue a statement.

Yeah, and I knew something like this was going to happen. Alright,

we'll have a press conference.

What.

A kind gesture. I could tell Ian was a nice man too.

Nice. You mean this is bad.

It's not good.

Since when is charity a sin? Since.

I advertised it as a sip.

Can you imagine Ian giving money to the poor?

You wouldn't piss on a beggar if you.

Were on fire. Well.

I think you're going to see a new Ian Clarity from now on and a new more is

cutting.

Sam, what's.

You Pulper chair?

Yes, have a bagel. Have a lemon. Come on Sam.

Thank you for coming. Dr. Clarity was supposed to be here today,

but Mr. Codman insisted on answering to these charges alone.

He'd like to make a brief statement to you before answering your questions.

I suppose I should say that Dr.

Clarity had a brief lapse of bad judgment when he gave to that beggar,

but that's not true. Now if anything, Ian, clarity demonstrated. Good judgment.

See, Ian and I are nothing but used car salesman.

Selling an inferior product

product looks awfully good from the outside,

but there's no engine underneath the hood. It can only go downhill.

And that's where we're all going is downhill. Our society,

our quality of life has become so bastardized by a need for

immediate gratification that we have become susceptible to the greatest of.

Hoaxes, the worst.

Of motives.

Chucky Boy, send me the latest figures in the preference church. With them gone.

It leaves the religion market wide open.

I want you to hire some marketing people.

We can start our own religion with all the money we just made. Got that bub.

They're picketing us down there.

It's about time to Venice with for the wrong reasons.

So what are you going to do? Now.

I'm thinking about maybe getting the receptionist to

sleep with me out of sympathy.

That's executive thinking. Ian, you've learned a lot about business.

Thanks with all to you. My pleasure.

What do you going to do after that?

I'm going to see if I can teach philosophy. If any college you'll take me.

And what about yourself? Well.

You know me. I can't think beyond tomorrow and when.

It's all sitting still the only

woman like you. Highest.

1220 UN talk radio today. The topic is the preference church.

They espouse selfishness, but in the end,

they gave their assets to the homeless scholar on.

Idiots.

I thought my money was going for green and selfishness and instead they give it

to the homeless. Hell, they don't even have houses.

Where do they think they're going to buy with that money? Furniture.

We get the best connections. We've got the lowest prices from the Diamond Gyms,

jewelry warehouse.

Learn more about our home equity line of we've taken the hatchets of prices at

Indian gyms. Have you tried new raspberry spas with the fight?

Yes.

Hi, is Debbie here?

No, she doesn't live here anymore.

Where'd she go?

I don't know. She said something about a foreign country. Hey,

aren't you Morris Codman, founder of the Preference Church? Yeah. Listen,

I'm trying to screw my landlord out of some rent money You have any suggestions?

I've got to go.

Passenger to the information desk. Passenger Joanie Shay,

please come to the information desk.

Your name please? Morris Codman. Okay.

Non-smoking.

Thank.

You. Thank you.

Hello.

Tropic Tours. Flight 5 0 5,

now boarding at game 12 Tropic Air towards flight oh five.

Now boarding at gate 12.

God, I'm sorry.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I don't know. I guess I just had this burning desire to go someplace far,

far away from here.

You're kidding. I just bought a ticket to the same port of call.

Flight 7 0 2. Claim your baggage at carousel three.

Flight 7 0 2. Claim your baggage at.

Carousel three.

I love you.

Excuse me.

Listen, did you guys realize that you have an image problem?

That's why your religion isn't growing. Look, I can help you. Come here.

You see, you look like a fool. Now. What you need is a good marketing campaign.

You are right. I look like an idiot. Precisely.

I shouldn't be seen in public. No. Wait, you need my advice.

Are you through?

Sorry.

Call.

Time religion. Give me that.

Time. Religion. That all. Time religion.

It's good. Let us pray.

Let us spray with a.

She wears.

That through 90 and that's good enough.