Original subtitles

Hey fella.

Not just anybody takes an interest in kotatsus of that quality.

You must be a real connoisseur.

It's no use trying to hide it.

You've been fixated on that piece for nearly an hour now.

Whaddya say fella?

If you're interested I could sell it to you for a special low price.

Yes indeed.

It just so happens that a certain upper-class family left that kotatsu with me.

It's a hundred yen.

Sound good?

Why the knife...?

Oh to "cut" a deal!

This is an extremely dangerous pun that you should never try at home kids.

Hmmm...

Well whatcha gonna do? I think I've got this one in the bag!

It's 0 wins and 120 losses huh?

No 120 wins and 0 losses!

I know that ya got 120 wins Lum.

I'm just lookin' at this from the dummy's side.

I mean 120 straight losses?

That's a crazy record.

No it's 120 wins!

Look I know yer the one with 120 wins Lum.

I'm puttin' myself in the shoes of this dummy.

You guys are just making fun of me!

Stupid jerks!

Don't you dare darling!

The game isn't over yet!

And presto!

Now it's 121 losses.

Holy freakin' crap!

The kotatsu is moving all by itself!

I won that one!

This is nuts! Just look at it! That kotatsu is possessed!

Whatever darling! Don't try and change the subject!

There's no time to argue!

Look!

This is what we're dealing with!

You ruined my victory darn it!

What's the deal with this kotatsu?

It almost looks afraid to get covered with a blanket.

Totally bizarre!

Such a racket. What are they doing up there?

Ataru! Keep it down!

All this dust you're kicking up will ruin the tempura!

Have no fear madam.

I've taken it upon myself to keep all of the tempura safe.

For you see I sensed an ominous aura exuding from the depths of your son's room.

Which prompted me to rush over here

and expel the sinister presence before its too late—

THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO STRAIGHT TO ATARU'S ROOM?!

Hmm. It doesn't want to be covered by a blanket eh?

Perhaps it's just sensitive to heat.

Don't you have a more supernatural explanation?!

Wow! He's got it perfectly pinned on all sides!

Okay! Now's our chance!

What?! A blizzard?!

Aw jeez don't ya think it's better to cut yer losses

and say goodbye to that dumb kotatsu?

He says that backing down now would hurt his pride as a kotatsu fanatic.

What a dumb freakin' thing to take pride in.

There's a Hyottoko emblem carved into it.

My goodness!

I'll be damned.

Guess this kotatsu used to belong to the Mendos.

We should ask them directly and find out!

Okay leave it to me.

MENDO YOU STUPID ASSHAT!

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!

In 0.1 seconds.

Talk about fast.

Nothing escapes from the Mendo family information network.

Just hear me out!

No way in hell!

You better calm down mister!

Argh so ugly!

I guess you could say I still have "knockout" good looks!

For once I'm glad to have you around.

I can confirm.

This kotatsu is one of the Mendo family treasures.

Wood from the sole south pole cedar was used to make it.

The south pole what?

A very rare species of tree.

Just as the name implies only one exists and it grows in the south pole.

It's an ironically unfortunate kotatsu

since growing up in such a cold place has made it totally despise any heat.

We had no choice but to give it away.

I see! You must have bought it!

Clench.

As one of the leading kotatsu enthusiasts

it might be possible for you to thaw this little guy's cold heart.

No one in the Mendo family was able to pull it off.

But you can! Please make it happen!

Welp good luck all.

Is it me or did he just saddle us with big pain in the neck?

Damn that jackass.

Okay.

Time to eat.

Huh? This is all we get?

Don't look at me.

I can't make food appear out of thin air.

Thanks for the meal.

Hey! Dammit!

And thus

the intense struggle between cat and kotatsu

stretched on endlessly both day and night.

And then finally the world was introduced to...

Go! Mush!

...the first ever kotatsu sled.

Meow!

What's a cow doing in a pet shop?

I recommend keeping your distance kid.

That cow's former owner let it go because of its bad habit.

What bad habit?

Just hold your hand out and see.

Like this?

See? It chomped right at ya.

You should've listened when I told you to keep your distance.

Don't act like such a smug jerk about it.

Hey leggo already!

That's enough!

And that dear viewers was a very common scene

that you can find happening on any street corner in town.

Yeah right! That was totally out of the ordinary!

But then...

Ya got bit by a cow?

Does it hurt?

I'm fine!

I'm a detective.

And you're my client.

That's as far as our relationship can go.

But... I'm deeply in love you!

Greetings Mr. Bear!

Roar!

The way you bears talk is... totally bar-bear-ic! Just kidding.

Chomp!

Welp that's all folks!

It's too late for you madam!

Because anyone who I bite...

is doomed to transform into a freaky monster just like me!

Oh no!

See? You're starting to turn already!

Mistress!

No! It can't be!

This is too cruel!

Eeek! Another monster!

Not our mistress!

What an awful nightmare.

Hey Ten. Wake up.

We need to brush our teeth before bed.

What the heck...?

Why do they look like cow horns?

Ten!

Waaah! Lum transformed into a cow!

Who are you calling a cow darn it?!

My horns will go back to normal in no time!

Really?

Yeah. So...

don't tell anybody about this okay?

Lum didn't show up today either huh?

Hey Moroboshi. Is Miss Lum sick or something?

I dunno.

But she's been out for 3 days!

Heads-up.

What's the deal rugrat?

Don't come in here looking all pouty.

Why are you totally fine?

You got bit by the cow too didn'tcha?

It's not fair yer the only one still healthy!

Hold up. What is that supposed to mean?

Why'd you bring up the cow?

Did something happen to Miss Lum?!

N-No nothing happened!

I wanna know why you mentioned the cow!

We're busy talking about Miss Lum here!

Yeah and the cow—

For crying out loud! How are you more infatuated with a cow than Miss Lum?!

I NEVER SAID I LOVED THE COW DAMMIT!

Quit arguing about this stupid crap!

You should be worried about Lum right now because she's sick!

Spill the beans rugrat!

What's wrong with Lum?!

I'm fine you guys.

Miss Lum!

Darling. Do you have a minute?

What's up?

I have something to talk with you about.

Let's go somewhere private.

Are you okay darling?!

NOT AFTER YOU LET ME FALL THREE STORIES!

He got up!

And walked away like it's nothing.

Lum's all scatterbrained.

That must mean she's still sick.

I know she wanted me to keep it a secret but...

You fell from the third floor?

Oh come on don't lie to me.

It really happened.

Wow. That's a new hairdo.

Please Nurse Sakura! I need tender loving care!

Is there something on my face?

You weren't the one I was staring at idiot.

It looks like you have something on your mind.

What happens if a cow bites you?

They leave teeth marks behind.

Did you get bitten by a cow Lum?

I got bitten by one but nothing happened!

You're a freak of nature so you don't count!

Besides Lum is an alien.

It wouldn't be strange for her to have symptoms that are beyond our understanding.

What's the matter Lum?

I was just curious that's all.

Lum.

Hey Lum!

The rugrat mentioned that you were sick.

Is something wrong?

Answer me already!

Jeez what's your damage?

Darling.

Tell me darling... how do you feel about cows?

Cows?

Marbled beef is awesome.

If I go missing one day...

and then...

a cow shows up at your door...

I want you to name it after me and treat it real nice okay?

Where is all of this coming from?

I don't get it.

Darling...

Goodbye!

Hey!

Wait a damn second!

Y-You...

I'm going to turn into a cow soon...

Don't be stupid! You got bit by a cow not Count Dracula!

But just look at my horns.

I did a bunch of research

but I couldn't find any information about aliens who got sick from cow bites....

Okay so...

you were just gonna secretly become a cow?

And then what?

You'd end up as somebody's sukiyaki dinner if you were caught in the wild.

Don't you dare leave!

Listen.

I...

I'm gonna take good care of you.

Oh darling!

Ya say she grew cow horns?

Ah! That's nothing ta worry 'bout!

Our horns are what keep us healthy!

So if any bad bacteria gets inside us they grow nice n' long!

And they emit prophylactic energy

until we get better!

Her horns'll go back ta normal once them bacteria get outta her system!

So you're gonna be fine.

Huh?

Great news huh Lum?

Say honey what is Ataru doing outside?

Building a cattle barn apparently.

Why on earth...?

I can't understand what goes on in that boy's head anymore.

You're gonna have a nice place to stay okay?

Right here!

Let's see. The next place on my list to visit is the Mendo house.

I should be getting pretty close now...

HERE REALLY?!

P-Pardon me good sirs.

I am the teacher in charge of providing instruction for young master Shutaro.

Sorry for the trouble. Th-Thanks for having me.

Crap. I can't let this intimidate me.

I must retain my dignity as a teacher until the bitter end.

A-Actually Mendo has a real attitude problem when it comes to working with others.

And I'm almost positive that's because of how he's been raised at home!

So I have to make sure to give his parents a piece of my mind!

GAH! SORRY! I'M SORRY!

So...

I assume that you've been properly attending to all of Shutaro's needs yes?

Y-Yessir!

Our school has taken full responsibility to ensure that...

Oh Onsen.

I didn't realize you were here already.

M-Mendo my boy! What a relief!

It's so nerve-wracking to be here wit—

Be careful not to make any abrupt moves around me okay?

Otherwise you'll spook my bodyguards.

H-Holy hell...

I never thought that going to visit my students at their homes could be so deadly.

On the next episode of Urusei Yatsura!

Which one is my wife?!

Kotatsu

SNORE

STAAAARE

100 YEN

100 YEN

100 YEN

Kotatsu Love

TWITCH

PWING!

DASH

THUD

CLATTER

GOTCHA!

CLATTER

THUD

HARUMPH!

KOTATSU FANATIC PRIDE

SWOOOON

THUD

CLATTER

CLATTER

SHAKE

Zipang

CLITTER-CLATTER

JINGLE-JANGLE

PET SHOP:

YOSHI-NO-YA

Lum Becomes a Cow

Lum

Carpenter

Lum

The Home Visit Blues:

Luxurious Mendo Edition

PANIC

BOW

To be continued in the

"Prohibitive Miyake Edition"

Eerie Earmuffs

Family Tree