Original subtitles

I need me a studmuffin!

Wh-Why are you bringing that up now Princess Kurama?

She hasn't said anything about finding a guy in ages.

I honestly thought she had given up.

Oh please.

I just don't want to mention it every day

even if it's necessary to prolong our species.

I mean I'd be making a clown of myself going around yelling about

"hot guy this" and "hot guy that" all the time.

Yeah that's for sure!

Which is why I decided to hold my tongue for awhile...

but then you birdbrains just spend every day eating and sleeping over and over!

WHEN ARE. YOU GONNA. FIND ME.

A HUSBAND DAMMIT?!

Princess!

You don't seriously believe that we've been doing nothing but wasting time do you?

Is that not the case?

Far from it!

The reality is we've been hard at work

searching for the universe's number one studmuffin

by using a cutting-edge computer from Planet Kurama!

See?

We'll be master matchmakers very soon!

Huh?

Matchmakers?

What are we gonna do now?

You fed her that load of crap about using a computer to find her a husband

but we haven't been doing jack!

Well I had to say something to convince her otherwise right?

All we can do now is make that lie into a reality!

Heave-ho!

We just need to input data on her tastes

and cross-reference that against every guy in the universe.

I dunno. It can't actually be that easy can it?

Especially considering all the trouble we've had so far...

Evaluation complete.

Holy smokes!

S-Somebody go grab the princess!

What do you think princess?

You're looking at the number one studmuffin in the universe!

Don't say that we never did anything for yo—

Fantastic! You're the best matchmakers ever!

Calm down princess!

Okay! Go and fetch this hottie for me right away!

Okay Rei! Say "ahh"!

Is it yummy?

I've almost got him wrapped around my finger!

Just a little more and he'll be mine forever!

Wh-What's happening?

Yikes!

My foooooood!

Suction complete.

Princess Kurama. Your presence is requested in Ramrod Hall.

Owies...

Where are we?

Finally!

The number one studmuffin indeed! I love him already!

Hey! Whaddya think you're doing ya tramp?!

Hm? And who the devil are you?

You better let go of Rei or else!

Whoa there!

Please calm down young lady!

We just need to borrow your boyfriend for one night okay?

Then it's happily ever after for everyone!

Sound good?

Let's make beautiful children together.

"Children"?

H-Hold the damn phone.

Did you just say "make children"?!

N-N-N-N...

NO WAY!

I WON'T ALLOW IT!

Obnoxious clown!

GET OUT!

What's that...?

Ran?!

Aw Ran!

What's the matter?

Did something happen?

Oh Lummy-poo. It's awful...

Argh! I just can't believe this!

Please Lummy-poo! You have to help me!

O-Okay but you have to calm down first!

I promise to help you if I can so just tell me what happened.

Lummy-poo!

Oh really?

So you were out on a date with Rei when a crow lady butted in...

And she said she wanted Rei's babies!

Oh god it's Kurama.

Well I better get going...

Wait dammit!

What the hell happened to your promise to help?!

Sorry but thorny relationship drama like this is a little much for me...

Ran Rei AND Kurama?

That's like the holy trinity of obnoxiousness!

My poor Rei.

If he's doomed to become the plaything of some hussy who appeared out of nowhere...

then I'll die with him in a murder-suicide!

It's your fault Lum. You hear me?

I'm gonna haunt your dreams.

I'll appear every night to drudge up

the most awful childhood memories that you want to escape from!

Okay fine!

I'll help you get Rei back jeez!

Really?!

Thank you Lummy-poo!

Princess.

What is it?

Food.

Oh of course!

Nothing gets done on an empty stomach!

Here! Dig in!

Hey! Hurry it up with the food you bums!

Right away princess!

Man how much food does this guy eat?

We've got trouble! There's no more rice left in storage!

What?!

It's chilly tonight.

Make way! Coming through!

Gotta hurry gotta hurry!

Yo.

Yikes! Moroboshi!

Don't follow me you clod!

Nuh-uh.

I'm tagging along so I can see my sweet Kurama!

Trust me it's not going to be a fun reunion for you.

Because Princess Kurama is in the middle of getting down and dirty

with the hottest studmuffin in the universe.

What?!

Something just doesn't feel right.

I agree.

But the computer said he was the guy.

And the princess seems head over heels for him.

Food.

Sure!

Food! Chop-chop!

C-Coming right up!

We're just waiting for more supplies!

Oh that must be them!

Let me open the door...

We're here to save you Rei!

Not you again. Still haven't learned your lesson?

I'll admit I left without putting up much of a fight earlier

but not this time!

Cuz I brought some backup with me!

What are you doing here Oni? Are you two friends?

Lum!

Did you guys see that?

Nope!

Nothing at all!

But he just turned into some kind of pig-ox...

Nope! We didn't see anything like that!

Playing dumb isn't going to solve this problem you know!

We just need to go one night without the princess noticing!

That's right!

Unless we want to get stuck searching for her husband forever

we need to stick to our guns and say NOTHING!

Lum!

Lum.

Aw jeez! Get off me!

I see how it is Lum...

You friggin' backstabber!

You only pretended to help me so you could get back together with Rei!

Like hell I did!

"Get back together"...?

You heard right.

The truth is that Rei used to be Lum's fiancé back in the day.

But don't let it bother you.

Because you've already got me baby.

WHO INVITED YOU JACKASS?!

Darling?! What are you doing here?

Come on! Now's our chance Rei!

A studmuffin like him is hard to come by.

There's no way I'm letting him slip through my fingers now!

Whatcha gonna do about it?!

See for yourself!

Princess.

Gosh darn it Rei!

Ran my sweet.

Just forget about him.

You deserve so much better than that pathetic glutton.

Stop hitting on every girl you see!

What a goddamn circus.

Lum.

Bunch of noisy pests.

Am I right studmuf—

Look I'm gonna give you this riceball so quit doing the cow thing!

Hey. What are you doing?

Enough! You're getting on my nerves!

Alrighty princess!

You two should move to the bedroom while there are no interruptions!

Indeed!

What the hell is your friggin' problem?!

You ruined everything dammit!

You've gotta be kidding!

Calm down ladies. We don't have time for fighting.

My darling is right.

Obviously.

Cuz what we need now...

is good ol' fashion lovemaking.

No we need to ESCAPE!

Let's go honey.

Nobody will bother us in here.

What the hell are you doing in here?!

Kurama baby!

Oh right!

The trap door in Ramrod Hall connects straight to Princess Kurama's bed chamber.

So if we mapped it out...

We don't need a map to understand it!

Kurama baby.

Coming across each other in your bedroom is a sign.

Destiny is telling us that we were meant to be together.

Give it a rest!

Lum!

Why do you guys keep freaking out like that?!

W-W-Well you see it's kind of hard to explain...

So hey.

Has Kurama not noticed what Rei's true form is?

Not yet.

Hmm...

Rei!

Lum!

Quick Kurama! Turn around!

OH CRAP!

What?

Gotcha!

Keep your hands OFF!

Hey! That wasn't cool!

What you're doing is way worse!

I can't believe you're forcing them together when she doesn't know about his ox—

Shush shush!

Ox? Who's an ox?

Look behind you!

No don't!

Huh?

I don't see any ox!

Is he doing that on purpose...?

Hold up.

I just noticed that my sweet Ran has disappeared.

Huh?!

Oh I saw her leave a minute ago.

She left?!

Talk about immature!

How can she leave when this whole problem revolves around her?!

Who're you callin' immature?!

I just came up here to do some cookin'

because I figured Rei was workin' up an appetite!

Oh really?

Curses! That sneaky wench!

I don't see any reason to get so upset about it...

Food.

Alrighty!

Upsy-daisy!

This should be plenty!

Oh Rei dear!

Be patient okay? I'm coming to you right now!

Huh? Uh oh...

Holy crap did Rei just ignore food?

He saved Ran instead!

Ran.

Oh Rei...

What a touching moment!

Whoa look over there!

Too late you nitwit!

I have no idea what goes on his head...

Absolutely nothing I'd guess.

Hold on princess!

Shut up! I'm going to sleep!

But princess! That's really the guy our computer chose for you!

I don't care.

Well damn...

Guess there are just some idiots in the universe

that are too much for even a computer to process.

Lum!

But I was the one who made those riceballs!

Princess! How are we gonna prolong our species now?!

Shut up! Quit talking to me!

Huh? What did you say?

Meeting my potential fiancée?

Yes. As the male successor of the Mendo name

it's about time that we arranged a marriage for you.

But Father... I'm not sure I agree.

I'm still only in high school after all.

Don't be ridiculous.

I was engaged to 5 or 6 fiancées back when I was your age.

Sounds more like you were running a romance scam!

In any case I'm not meeting with any—

But she's a real cutie!

Twitch.

And getting engaged puts you one step closer to nudie lewdie!

Hmph. Surely you jest.

No really. You can get nudie and to do the lewdie.

Stop kidding around.

I couldn't care less!

Riiight...

Anyways!

I can't disobey my own father so I suppose I have no choice.

I shall choke back my feelings and meet the girl!

And who might you be?

MOROBOSHI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AND YOUR PEA BRAIN DOING HERE?!

To meet my fiancée duh.

I'M THE ONE GETTING ENGAGED DAMMIT!

Wonderful Shutaro! I'm glad you've come around.

Huh? No wait I...

Gross! You disgust me Brother!

What the hell do you think you're doing?!

Uh well I was just delivering a message from Lady Ryoko...

Oh really?

Yessir.

Lady Ryoko was very shocked when she caught word of

the young master's arranged marriage.

And now she's weeping over it in her room.

So what was Ryoko's message?

As I said earlier...

Gross! You disgust me Brother!

Well she is at an emotionally sensitive age...

So what was her message?

GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!

There's nothing "gross" about this anyway!

It's only natural for men of the Mendo family

to meet for a round or two of nudie lewdie!

You mean meeting a potential fiancée or two.

Of course. Meeting a potential fiancée or two.

Right. So the girl I have in mind...

is the daughter of the Mizunokoji family.

What?!

Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi-Mi—

That Mizunokoji girl?!

Did I hear that right?

He's getting engaged to Master Tobimaro's little sister?

I'm afraid so.

I can't believe this...

NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY!

Uh-huh. Sure.

Come on everybody knows the Mizunokojis have a bitter rivalry with us Mendos

that goes back for generations!

Why would we ever agree to this?!

It's not complicated.

Think of it as offering an olive branch to smooth things over.

In that case why don't YOU just get married with her instead?

Hold your horses Mendo.

Your dad here already has a wife and kids.

So whaddya think about me getting hitched with her instead?

Keep your stupid ass out of this dammit!

If my dear brother refuses to go through with it

then I shall simply get married with Master Tobimaro instead.

Oh. That's a great idea.

HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO!

HELL NO! HELL NO! HELL NO!

Father!

Please proceed with the meeting!

What? But Brother!

Ryoko. There's no way in hell that I'm letting Ton have you.

So you'll meet with his little sister?

Yeah! Bring it on!

No! This can't be!

You disgust me Brother!

She is at an emotionally sensitive age...

This doesn't add up.

Ton has never mentioned having a little sister even once.

Young master!

Per your instructions I dispatched a group of our highly-skilled spies

to infiltrate the Mizunokoji residence.

And?

Please file a claim on our accident insurance!

What?

A younger sister of mine?

Yeah!

Why did you hide her from me all this time?!

Hmph. I have no such sister.

You're a sneaky bastard for getting all cozy with Ryoko

yet never letting me even so much as SEE your sister!

I've never gotten "cozy" with her!

Enough of this.

I grow tired of your foolish accusations.

Liar.

Don't try and hide it from us.

Spill the beans.

We want her name age address and phone number.

Whatever! I have no idea!

Dammit! How long are you going to play dumb with us?!

I seriously don't know!

Get down!

You jackass! What's the big ide—

Somebody's coming.

Jeez louise!

This is the 10th one of these guys!

Seriously. What is going on today?

Oh crap!

Isn't that one of the spies I sent here?

Well I'm going to go dump this guy outside.

Okay. Sounds good.

It's unbelievable.

All these scumbags trying to sneak into her ladyship's room!

Shush! What if the young lord overheard you?

What?! You mean he still doesn't know about her?!

It's a secret until she meets with her fiancé apparently.

Wait a minute.

Does that mean...

I really do have a sister?

But why?!

Why the hell would she be kept secret from me?!

Tell me wh—

More scumbags!

That's odd. I swore I heard someone over here.

Is there a problem?

Things seem awfully hectic today.

Wh-What the hell is that...?

Apologies for all the noise milady.

We've been dealing with intruders today.

Unfortunately they seem to have escaped.

Intruders you say?

Creepers...

Eep! I'm scared!

Have no fear. We will keep you safe.

However it's risky to be outside.

Let's go milady.

"Milady"?!

Okay.

Oh honey!

Aw shucks!

What's the big idea?!

Tell me...

WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO A SUIT OF ARMOR?!

Beats me!

But who cares about you!

You'll never understand the pain of suddenly learning that

you have a little sister who's made of metal!

Oh shut up! Better to have her as a sibling than a WIFE!

I wanna see the girl inside!

Target sighted.

Hm? What're they up to?

What the...?

Simply outstanding!

Her ladyship just ran 100 meters in 12 seconds flat

while wearing armor that weighs 200 kilograms!

Huh? Who is that?!

Impossible! They just did 100 meters in 7 seconds!

Hey there cutie-pie!

Screw you!

It's obvious that I have it way worse than you ever will fool!

You could never understand my pain jerk!

Milady! Hang in there!

I know you must be spooked.

But you see that was just a creature we call a "man".

That was...

a "man"...?

On the next episode of Urusei Yatsura.

Strong tall and robust!

SLAM

SLAM

SLAM

SLAM

SLAM

DING!

Love Thief

CHILDREN

STAAAAAAAAARE

KERFLAM!

Bathhouse

MUNCH

MUNCH

COFFEE

PRESS HERE

MUNCH

SWOON...

Lum!

HUG

THWACK!

ZAP

SMACK!

Lum.

THWACK!

The Sleeping Room

Nighty-Night

Ramrod Hall

Bed Chamber

THWACK!

THWACK!

Lum!

THWACK!

Bumoo!

CLUTCH!

SMACK!

WHAMO!

WHAMO!

That Mizunokoji Girl

THWACK!

WHAMO!

Mizunokoji Estate

BUMP

Maiden

DOOM

DOOM

Maiden

SQUEEZE

BOING!

KERPOW!

BONK!

To be continued

The Continuation Of:

That Mizunokoji Girl