Original subtitles

(light jazz music)

(glass shattering)

- Come on, Buddy.

Be careful.

Watch out for that glass.

Mm.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Huh, Buddy?

Doesn't it seem like everybody is

getting stupider and stupider?

Why did they have to be breaking somebody's window?

Huh, Buddy?

Are you listening to me?

I know what you're thinking about.

You just want to eat.

Let's go now.

'Cause I got to get to work.

You hold onto that ball.

What do you think you're going to have for breakfast

this morning, huh?

Bacon and eggs?

Ha, ha.

You wish.

- [Joe] What are you, a cat or a rabbit?

- [Mary] Kitty cat.

- No.

You're a rabbit, a fuzzy-headed little rabbit.

- Mm.

You've got a hard-on.

No, I don't. - You do too.

- Mary, don't you think I'd know it if I had a hard-on?

- Then what's this?

- That's a carrot I keep to feed the little rabbit with.

(Mary laughing)

- Come on, Joe.

Stop.

I don't have time.

We'll do it tonight, okay?

- Okay, if that's what you want, I'll stop.

- Oh, all right.

Quick.

Get a rubber, carrot boy.

- Well, let's just do it without.

- No!

Come on, I don't want to get pregnant.

No.

- All right, all right.

Calm down.

I get it.

Just a second.

- Help!

Help!

Somebody help me, please!

Help!

Help!

That man stole my dog!

- Joe, call the police!

- What's the matter?

- Oh, my god!

Someone just stole this woman's dog!

Call the police! - Help me!

Help!

- Shit! - [Woman] Stop!

- [Mary] Oh, god.

I see him. - You stole my dog!

Buddy!

- Come on, now. - Buddy!

- I see you, you prick! - Stop, please!

- [Mary] We're calling the police, ma'am.

- He stole my dog!

Buddy!

Buddy!

(upbeat jazz music)

- Hey.

Hey, where are you going?

- Sorry, babe.

I've got to split.

- Oh, don't you want some breakfast?

- No.

No time for that.

What's with this lock?

- You turn it to the left.

To the left.

Am I going to see you again?

- Oh, sure.

Of course, babe.

I'll give you a call sometime.

Take it easy. - Do you like rollerblading?

(upbeat jazz music)

Oh, shit.

- Joe, is this blouse too revealing?

- Look at this.

There's Joe Schmo, talented new actor.

And here's Miss Quim, talented new actress.

- Joe. - He's standing on the street

in an overcoat.

And she's lying on the floor in her underwear

with her boobs hanging out.

- So?

- What do you mean, so?

Here it is, 25 years after women's liberation.

And women are still being reduced to selling

themselves as sex objects.

- Maybe she doesn't feel reduced.

Maybe she feels proud of her sexuality.

- Well, maybe he's proud of his sexuality.

Why isn't he crawling across the floor

with his balls hanging out?

(Mary laughing)

And what do boobs have to do with acting?

Nothing.

I'm going to write a book about this.

- You're not working today?

- Yes, I'm working.

I'm working a lunch, and then I have

that audition with the casting director at three.

- Right.

Oh, good luck, hon. - Thank you.

- Um, listen, I still need a check for the rent.

- What, again?

- Yeah, it kind of works that way.

You know, once a month?

Oh, remember we have dinner with Raina and Alex tonight.

And I think they're bringing the baby.

- [Joe] All right, I'll meet you after the audition.

- Good luck, honey. - Bye.

- There you are, Mr. Bob.

Clean and pressed.

Very nice.

- It's is a piece of shit, Chang.

- Oh, no.

It's a very nice tuxedo.

- It's a piece of shit.

And I'll tell you something.

The next time I come inhere, I'll give it to you.

- Oh, no.

Mr. Bob, keep your tuxedo.

- No, it's yours.

A little souvenir from me to you.

You know what that means, souvenir?

- Yes.

I think it means you are full of shit.

- (laughing) Keep going to night school.

(upbeat music)

- Looking good today, sugar tits.

- Hello, Miss Taylor?

It's Dee Dee, isn't it?

It's really great to meet you.

Thank you for seeing me.

But how could you miss me?

I'm standing right in front of you. (laughing)

What I'm going to do for you today, Miss Taylor,

is one of Hap's speeches from Arthur Miller's "Death

of a Salesman."

You know, Biff, sometimes I want to just rip my clothes off

in the middle of that store and outbox

that god damn merchandise manager.

I mean, I can outbox, outrun, and outlift

anybody in that store.

And I have to take orders from those common, petty sons

of bitches till I can't stand it anymore.

You see, everybody around me is so false.

I'm constantly lowering my ideals.

Hello, Miss Taylor?

It's Dee Dee, isn't it?

(upbeat music) (all chattering)

- Where are the biker boys?

All right, biker boys, show me those abs.

Okay.

Flex, flex, flex, flex, flex.

That's what we want, beautiful, tight, chunky abs.

Yes.

Oil the abs.

I want a boa constrictor or a python.

Morning, ladies.

10 minutes. - Morning.

- Let's go! - I don't know, Mary.

I'm sort of giving up on the whole human race.

- Why, honey, what's the matter?

- Everybody is so superficial.

- Oh.

- I am sick of it.

I am sick of all this superficial bullshit.

I'm a very spiritual person.

- Are you really?

- Oh, very spiritual.

Have you seen "The Little Mermaid"?

- The cartoon?

- Oh, it's not just a cartoon, Mary.

If you look just a little closer,

you will find a spiritual message in every single one

of Walt Disney's films.

Could we please change this fucking music?

- Oh, sure, baby.

What do you want to hear?

Hole?

Snoopy Dog Dog?

- Any, anything, okay?

Christ.

Douche would be better than this shit.

It's depressing.

- Is Douche good?

- I'm not going to be able to work

with this depressing shit.

It's 10 o'clock, and I'm already depressed.

I, I look depressed, don't I?

- No.

No.

You look beautiful.

(upbeat music)

- Hey, ya little baby.

Come here, sweetheart.

- Hey!

What the hell's the matter with you?

- What?

- Don't what me.

You know what I'm talking about.

What if that was your granddaughter?

Huh?

You old fucking scumbag.

- [Man] Hey, just leave me alone.

- Jesus.

Excuse me.

Do I know you?

- No, I, I don't think so.

- God, the way you smiled at me, I feel like I've

known you my whole life.

- That's so sweet.

Are you in a relationship?

- Yes, I am.

- You don't sound very happy about it.

- Well, I, I love my girlfriend very much.

It's just that I don't think that she

understands me in a real emotional or sexual way.

- Yeah.

I sense that in you.

You know, this is going to sound really crazy.

But I feel like I've knownyou my whole life too.

- Really? - Yeah.

And I'd like to give you a blow job right now.

- Right now?

- Do you mind?

(upbeat music)

- You didn't go in? - No, I didn't go in.

I'm in a relationship.

I can't go sniffing every bird that flies by.

- She was a real blonde?

- Kind of hard to tell from the street, Bob.

- Yeah.

I know what you mean.

I met this model last night.

I thought she was blonde till we got back to her place.

It turned out she was fake.

Straight out of a bottle.

It's too bad.

She was sweet too.

- What?

You're not going to see her again

because she dyes her hair?

- (whistling) Let's go.

All right, lads.

Look sharp.

Come on.

All right, gentlemen.

Front and center.

Everyone pay attention.

You will divide into eight two-man squads.

First man in pours the red wine.

Second man in serves the finger food.

And it is called finger food precisely because it is

to be eaten with the fingers.

No utensils.

Any questions?

- Ernst, I have a question.

Are you wearing a girdle?

Because your ass looks incredible in those pants.

(all laughing)

- (chuckling) No, I am not wearing a girdle.

But you can be assured that if I catch any of you

faggots looking at my ass, I'll fire

the whole fucking lot of you.

- Hey, Ernst, we're not all gay, you know.

- That, my dear, straight friend, is your problem.

To your stations.

(fingers snapping)

(light orchestral music)

What is your name?

- Joe.

Joe Finnegan.

- Who hired you, did I hire you?

- Yes, you did.

I was recommended by Bob.

- Don't ever let the neck of a bottle

touch the rim of the glass.

And smile, for god's sake.

You look like you're at a fucking funeral.

- My balls are killing me.

- Why?

- That model I was with last night.

She was like an animal.

19.

One of those tight little asses you just

want to take a bite out of.

- Jesus.

Where did you meet her?

- This bar.

TNA.

I'll take you down there.

All the chicks there are these gorgeous high-class models,

even the waitresses.

- If they're such high-class models,

what are they doing waitressing?

- Hey, you're doing it.

- So are you.

- Not for much longer, pal.

Guess who just got a part on a soap?

- Get out of here. - "Passion Crest."

Recurring character, Dirk Drake.

- I wouldn't do a soap.

It's not even acting.

- $3,600 a week.

Act that, you sorry, broke-ass fucking waiter.

- Feel the jeans, Sahara.

Come on.

Feel those jeans.

Yeah.

Feel it.

Come on, go for it.

You know where it is.

Let's go.

You're not with me, Sahara.

Come on, Sahara.

All right, kill the fan.

Sahara, you know that I love you?

- Yes.

- [Blair] And you know that you're my favorite?

- Oh, yes.

- That's why I want you to go deeper with me.

I want the pure essence of your sexuality.

- I thought that's what I was doing.

- You are.

But this woman is,

she's fearless, just like you.

She's bold.

She can do something a little kinky,

maybe a little dirty, sexually,

and be absolutely fine with it.

Understand?

- I think so. - Good.

Good.

- Maybe you should just shoot her

getting fucked by a poodle.

- What?

Why a poodle?

- I've always wanted a Jack Russell.

(all laughing)

- You ever feel like fooling around?

- Sure.

Sometimes I get the urge.

You know, just like everyone else.

Basically, I'd say that Mary and I are pretty happy.

- Well, that's good. - Yeah, you know.

Sex is good.

Could be a little better.

Sometimes I wish Mary was a little bit more-

- What?

- I wish sometimes that she'd just go a little bit wild,

like you said that model did, go crazy on me.

See, I need that, Bob.

- Well, come on, man.

Look on the bright side.

You've got stability, right?

Some people need that.

All right, I'm heading this way.

- When do you start the soap?

- Tomorrow morning, my friend.

- Then I guess I won't be seeing you.

- No.

Hey, come on.

We'll get together.

I'll give you a call sometime.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Dirk Drake, huh?

"Passion Crest." - $3,600 a week!

- What is wrong with people, you know?

Every day it seems like everybody's just

getting stupider and stupider.

- You seem rather agitated today, Mary.

- I am agitated.

I am.

You know, every morning I pass this guy in the street.

And he always makes some disgusting comment to me.

- Why don't you take a different route?

- Because I don't want to take a different route.

Why should I let that scumbag dictate how I live my life?

- Mm-hmm. - What I feel like doing

is taking him by the hair

and smashing his face right into the sidewalk.

- (chuckling) Perhaps we can find a more productive

outlet for your anger.

Another female patient of mine

is taking a self-defense class

that is quite unique.

- I don't need self-defense.

- Hear me out, Mary. - Okay.

- The instructor has apparently

devised a series of exercises designed to help women cope

with the more ordinary rudenesses they encounter

on a day-to-day basis.

I'm going to get his telephone number for you.

And you call him when you feel like it.

A physical activity like this might

alleviate some of that hostility you have for men.

- Am I hostile towards men?

- We'll talk about that next week.

- Oh, okay.

- And might I add that blouse you're wearing

is especially becoming.

- Thank you, Dr. Leuter.

(upbeat jazz music)

- You know, Biff,

sometimes I want to just rip my clothes off

in the middle of that store and outbox that god damn

sales merchandise manager.

I mean, ah!

Sorry.

I, I, uh, forgot my line.

- Oh, that's all right.

Really, really it is, Joe.

So well, we have a little problem with your credits here.

I mean, there's no TV, no commercials, no soaps.

- I'm not that interested in doing soap operas.

- Oh.

Why is that?

Well, that's not even acting, is it?

I mean, not the kind of acting that I want to do.

I mean, it's fake.

And it's stupid.

- Well, it's clear that you and I have absolutely

nothing to talk about.

Goodbye.

- Excuse me, Miss Taylor.

What did I say?

- What every other no name, no credit actor says when

he comes through that door.

I mean, who the hell do you think you are?

Tom Cruise?

Well, you're not.

And believe me, you're stupid if you

think that I would hire any actor who

wasn't damn willing to work.

- Well, you misunderstood.

- This is a business.

If you don't understand that, then you don't belong in it.

Go away.

- You're right, Miss Taylor.

This is a business.

I understand that.

I'm beginning to understand that.

I didn't mean that I wouldn't work on a soap.

If there was something that you

thought I could do, of course I would do it.

Really.

I would love to work on a soap.

- How old are you?

- 35.

- 35.

No credits, no agent.

All right, let's get real, Joe.

Have you got a bathing suit?

- I could get one.

- Good.

There's a Madonna video coming up, kind of a beach theme.

You might be right for it.

Unless, of course, you don't do music videos.

- (laughing) Of course I do.

That would be great, Miss Taylor.

Or is it Dee Dee?

- Thanks, Joe.

I'll be in touch.

(singer vocalizing)

- [Woman] Hey, guys.

Come on back and see Chavonne, New York's hottest blonde.

She's a college girl majoring in sexy, sexy, sexy.

That's right.

You there in the overcoat-

- This, uh, college chick.

Is she a real blonde?

- Oh, yeah.

Beautiful.

Sexy, sexy chick, man.

Like Madonna, but blonde.

Very blonde.

- All right, so I'll take a buck's worth.

- [Woman] Here he comes.

He knows the real thing.

How about you other guys, huh?

Don't you want to see Chavonne, New York's hottest blonde.

(upbeat dance music)

(singer vocalizing)

(Bob moaning)

(upbeat music) (all chattering)

- Thank you.

I love this little puppy.

I love her, I love her,

I love her, I love her.

- We love her too.

Don't we, Cassiopeia?

- Hey there, little Cassie.

- We don't call her Cassie, Joe.

We have a strict rule.

Her whole name or no name at all.

- Sorry.

That's a good rule.

- It's so great to see you guys.

It's been too long.

We've been absolutely crazed since Alex's show.

- Absolutely crazed.

I'm in three galleries now.

The paintings are selling so fast I don't even have time

to stretch a canvas.

If you need a job, Joe, I could put you to work tomorrow.

- Oh, thanks.

I got a job.

- You know, I don't think we've seen you since "Il Piano."

- Oh, my god.

I love that movie.

Wasn't that a great movie?

- A great, great flick.

One of the best, really.

That movie was a piece of shit.

(all laughing)

- Are you kidding?

- No, I'm not kidding.

Come on.

It was nothing but a glorified romance novel.

Spirited, sensuous young woman leaves her uptight husband

for the man of her dreams, a masculine but sensitive native

with earrings and tattoos.

- Sorry, Joe.

But I think you completely missed

what this film was about.

- Oh.

What was it about?

- Well, it was about a lot of things.

It was about courage, freedom.

It was about unrestricted, unconditional, primal love.

- Yeah, you're way off on this, man.

- I'm just curious.

Has anyone seen "The Little Mermaid"?

- Besides, it was only on every top 10 list in the country.

- So what?

What are those two going to do for the rest of their lives,

stand around and stare at each other

all loving and unconditional?

Do you think that they'll ever have a real argument the way

that real people do?

Do you think that she would ever say to him, hey, Kimba,

you know, I really love your masculine sensitivity,

but do you think that just once you

could remember to lift the toilet seat

before you take a piss?

- I completely agree with you.

My boyfriend loved the movie so much, I broke up with him.

- Which movie?

- "Il Piano." - Yeah.

What the hell was that movie all about?

- I liked it. - Huh?

- [Man] You liked Harvey Keitel's ass.

- No, that's utterly untrue.

I did not like that movie.

- But what else was there to like about it?

- What are they talking about?

- "Il Piano."

- Great photography.

- That little girl bugged me.

If I had a daughter like that, I'd kick her fucking ass.

- You ask me something.

You don't wait for me to answer.

- As it should be.

Who the hell wants to see a man nude?

Who cares?

- I thought it was incredible.

I cried through most of it.

- You did cry, and I was proud of you.

(all chattering)

You went on and on and on about it.

I mean, it was a little embarrassing.

- Well, I just didn't feel like listening to him blab

about his paintings all night.

Did you hear that little dig about a job?

- What dig?

- That I could come work for him stretching canvases.

What do I look like, a fucking handyman?

- Joe, why are you so angry?

Did your audition go badly?

Is that it?

- No, actually, it went great.

I really nailed the monologue.

And afterward, she looked at my resume and said,

"You don't have any soaps on here."

And I said, "I know I don't.

You want to know why?

Because I don't consider that acting."

- You said that?

- Yep.

And you know what?

She may have something for me already.

- What? - A Madonna video.

- Joe, that's fantastic.

I mean, that could lead to something.

And it's money, right?

- That's right, Mary.

That's what I'm learning.

It's a business.

It's all a business.

- Guess what?

I might take a self-defense class.

- Why?

Well, Dr. Leuter said it might

help me deal with my hostility.

- Your what? - Uh, the assholes

on the street.

- Oh.

Well, that's great.

So that's what you guys talk about in there?

- That and other things.

Why?

- Just curious.

Bob got a job on a soap.

He's not doing the catering anymore.

Told me he met this blonde model.

They went back to her place and had kinky sex all night.

- Is that what you'd like?

Kinky sex with a blonde model?

- Well, she wouldn't necessarily have to be a model.

- What?

I'm not kinky enough for you?

- I never said that.

- You implied it.

- I did not.

I was simply telling you about what happened to Bob.

Of course, you're kinky.

You're very kinky, okay?

We both know that sometimes I have to-

- What?

- Well, you know. - No.

- Initiate things.

- You do not.

What about this morning?

- Well, actually, if you recall,

I suggested that we make love.

And your first response was no.

- Christ.

I thought we had a pretty healthy sex life.

And now you're telling me you're bored with me?

- Could just hold on a second?

The only thing that I'm suggesting

is that perhaps we could be a little bit more spontaneous.

- How?

Well, for one thing, by not having

to wear a rubber all the time.

- I'm sorry, Joe.

I don't want to get pregnant.

It just seems a little bit odd to me

that for somebody who's so against getting pregnant,

you seem to be infatuated with babies.

I mean, Christ, you were allover that little Tapioca.

- Cassiopeia.

And so what?

I like babies.

I just don't want to have one of my own.

- That's great.

- Why?

Do you want to have a baby?

- No.

- I'm not going to have a kid until we can afford it.

- What does money have to do with it?

- You don't have any.

- Other people have kids.

How do they do it?

- Either they hire somebody, or one of them

stays home and takes care of the baby.

Are you going to do it?

If you think I'm going to give up my career,

you're crazy. (laughing)

- What are we talking about this for?

- You brought it up.

- No, I didn't.

I was talking about something completely different.

- Well, what were you talking about?

- Let's just drop it, okay?

- And now you're all pissed off.

- What makes you say that?

(upbeat music)

- You know that I never thought I'd see you again?

- I told you I'd call you, didn't I?

- Yes, but I thought maybe you didn't like me.

- Hey, what's not to like?

- Do you like my eyes?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you like my body?

- Oh, yeah.

- Do you like my hair?

Do you?

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Oh, come on.

What's the matter?

- Excuse me. - Bob, come on.

Wait.

What's wrong? - God damn it.

I said nothing was wrong!

- There's a message.

Did you hear this?

- No.

It's probably for you.

(machine beeping)

- [Madonna] Hi, this is Madonna.

It's Wednesday, about 2:55.

Sorry for calling so late.

I'm trying to reach Joe Finnegan.

Joe, can you please call me immediately at 555-

- Jesus fucking Christ.

- Do you really think it's her?

- Of course it's her.

Who else would it be?

She's probably calling about the video.

- [Madonna] Immediately at 555-0270.

- You know, Joe, Madonna is an international superstar.

I mean, I seriously doubt she's going to call you at home.

At the very least, she'd have her assistant call, right?

- Mary, I've heard she gets personally involved

in all of her projects.

She probably saw my picture on the wall and said, hey,

maybe I'll feature Joe Finnegan in my video.

- All right.

All right, well, call her.

- Well, it's only nine o'clock.

She's probably still sleeping.

- Oh.

Okay.

I'm going then.

Hey, call me if you reach her.

- [Joe] Oh, I will.

- [Both] Bye.

(upbeat music)

(phone beeping)

- [Man] Hey, baby.

Come sit on my face.

- Oh, grow up, you stupid asshole.

- Get angry, baby!

I like it!

Makes my dick hard.

See? (laughing)

(electricity crackling)

Ah!

Ah.

- [Mary] Why do you say that shit, huh?

Why?

- [Man] God, stop!

Stop, please!

- No, I'm not going to fucking stop until you

tell me why you say it.

Do you think you're going to meet women this way?

You think some woman is going to turn around and say, hey,

there's a fucking guy I'd like to go out with?

- No!

No, I'm just a coward, a miserable fucking coward.

Ohh.

(all screaming)

(man chuckling)

- Dirk, I'm so happy I could cry.

- Don't even think of it, Deanna.

- I wish I could tell Mother about the wedding.

- We will, as soon as she's out of the coma.

- But Dirk, that could take forever.

- Until then.

- Mm.

(dramatic music)

- [Carl] Cut!

What's next, cis? - Page 35.

Living room, Garth finds out Sandy is his sister.

20 minutes to set up.

- Okay!

Let's hear it for Bob!

Whoo!

(Bob sighing)

(dramatic music)

(knocking on door)

- Enter.

- Hey, Bob.

Whoa.

Great fucking abs, man.

- Thanks, Roy.

- [Roy] We should work out together sometime.

- Yeah, we should.

- Hey, did you see the ratings are up three points?

- Saw that.

- Yeah, yeah.

Keep that up, homes.

Yeah.

Hey, did you sign those contracts yet?

- Any day, Roy.

- Fucking Valentino, man.

- "Bring me no more reports.

Let them fly all.

Till Birnam wood remove to Dunsinane.

What's the boy, Malcolm?"

- You decent?

- Yes.

- Too bad.

- Ah, Deanna, I see your innocence

is merely a part you play.

- Hmm.

You're a good actor, Bob.

- Thanks.

Thank you.

And so are you.

- I know I am.

You know, we could have done a lot more with that scene.

- The kiss.

- Oh, are you kidding?

That little tickle thing you did with your tongue?

I swear.

If I didn't have on three pairs of underwear,

I might have knocked over a light stand.

- (chuckling) Shut up!

- Oh, damn, Kelly.

You're a nice girl.

Too bad you're not real blonde.

- What are you talking about?

- Don't even try to bullshit me, Kelly.

I know a real blonde when I see one.

- Well, then you must be fucking blind.

- Wait a second.

Are you telling me that you are a real blonde?

- Head to toe.

Wanna see my driver's license?

- No.

I don't want to see your driver's license.

- Satisfied?

- Close the door.

(upbeat music)

* What you want, you ain't gonna get it *

- Sahara, where were you?

I just called you.

- Oh, hey.

Mary- - Oh, my god.

What happened?

- Yesterday, I went rollerblading

with this guy I just met.

And somehow I got too close to him,

and his elbow hit me in the eye.

I know it was my fault.

I feel really stupid.

- Oh, Jesus.

- But can you cover it?

- Oh, my god.

You would not believe what I am going

through with those fucking snakes.

Oh, my god!

- Blair, I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

- Is it real? - Yeah, it's real.

- Yes.

- [Blair] Mary, you have to get rid of it.

- It's not the bruise.

I can cover the bruise.

But the problem is the swelling.

I mean- - Oh, no.

I've got to shoot today.

I booked those snakes a month in advance.

- Well, you're just going to have to shoot

her with a black eye then.

- Oh, are you crazy?

(soft music)

Dark, dark.

Bruise is truth.

We must never hide it.

Yes.

Bring in the serpents.

Yes.

Now wrap them around her legs.

Ah.

Ah-ha.

Ah-ha.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

That's it.

Everybody clear.

Everybody clear, let's shoot.

Let's shoot.

Roses.

Right now!

More!

(flashbulb popping)

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Powerful, powerful.

No blame, Sahara.

No blame, Kiki.

- To the side.

Hold it right there. - Yeah, okay.

All right.

I'll take that call in my office.

Oh!

Where is, oh, yeah.

Oh, Jim.

Hi.

- No, it's Joe Finnegan.

- Joe, I'm sorry.

Joe, of course.

Missy, get a shot of his back.

Would you turn around?

Mm-hmm.

Good.

Look, could you, give me something sexy, a look-

- Sexy? - Yeah, sexy.

Yeah, sexy.

Yeah, be confident.

Oh, okay.

That's good.

Thanks.

- Excuse me.

Uh, Dee Dee, did Madonna speak to you about me?

- About you?

No, why?

- Well, it's a funny thing.

But I got a phone call left on my answering machine.

And I, I keep calling, but there's never an answer

at the number she left.

- Well, what do you suppose it was about?

- I assumed that it had something

to do with this video.

You know, maybe she wanted to give me

a special cameo or something.

- Ha, Joe, there are no special cameos in the video.

We'll try and get you in the front row, huh?

And so you got the address.

You got the, uh, bathing suit.

Be prepared to spend all day.

- okay, great.

I'm excited.

Dee Dee, are there any soaps coming up I could audition for?

- Not right now.

- Any plays or films? - Not at the moment.

Oh, Joe, do you think you could play a rapist?

- Yeah, I think so.

- How about a serial killer?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think I could do that.

- I think you could too.

You're, you're young.

You're hip.

You're sexy.

I think you'd be perfect for it.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I'm going to keep my eye out for that kind of role.

And as soon as I find something, I'll let you know.

- Great!

Thanks, Dee Dee!

(upbeat music)

(light jazz music)

- Pick it up.

Pick that up now.

Go, go.

Jesus.

Oh, no wonder.

No wonder.

It's a little town near Buffalo.

- I've never been to Buffalo. - Yeah.

- [Woman] I'd rather go to Tahiti or Montserrat.

- Montserrat's fine.

But you got to fly there.

You could take the bus up to it.

- Joe!

Alex, look, it's Joe. - You're right.

It is Joe.

Hey, there, buddy.

- What are you guys doing here?

- I'm on the board because the Met

bought six of my paintings.

- Oh.

Then you're getting it stretched all right, huh?

- This is so funny.

Joe, you're working.

- [Joe] Yeah, I got to pay the bills.

- Great tuxedo, man.

- Thanks.

It's secondhand.

Hey, you know what?

I'm doing a Madonna video tomorrow.

- I love Madonna.

You know, we know her.

- Yes, she called me.

She, she wants me to do a special featured cameo

or something.

- That is just like her.

Tell her I said hi. - I will.

- And tell Mary we should get together real soon.

- Okay. - It's so great.

- Excuse me, sir.

Is there anything else I can get you?

Perhaps some more whipped cream?

- No, thank you, captain.

Got to keep shipshape for all these fillies around here.

You know what I mean?

(both laughing)

- Aye, aye, Captain.

- What are you doing?

- He asked me about the strawberries,

how they got so big.

- Never, ever touch a guest, ever.

- I'm sorry, Ernst.

Nobody told me.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Just go, go, go, go, go.

God damn, you fucking whores.

- Let's begin today by reviewing a few facts.

Men are physically stronger than women.

This is not a criticism of your gender, ladies.

It is a fact.

Fact, you as women are vulnerable.

Vulnerable, but not helpless.

This class will provide each

and every one of you with a simple

and effective means of self-defense in the event

of a physical assault.

Fact.

There are other types of assault-

Verbal harassment on the streets, blatant groping

and fondling in public places.

All the behavioral tics that make men so irresistible.

Now, my research has shown

that these assaults can be equally

damaging if the rage and the frustration that they arouse

are not released.

And to that end, I have developed

a series of patented exercises designed

to increase your RRQ.

Class?

- [All] Rage Release Quotient.

- Good.

Sheila, why don't you come up

to the front of the class, please?

Thank you.

Now, remember, you can respond however you feel, okay?

If you wish to scream, scream away.

If you feel like striking me, go ahead and do so.

Understand?

- I think so.

- All right, let's begin.

Looking good, sweet meat.

Sweet meat?

Did you hear what I said?

- Yes.

- Do you like being called sweet meat?

- No.

- Does it make you angry? - Yes.

- How angry?

- Very angry.

- Okay.

How do you feel?

- Better.

- Okay.

Okay, Mary.

Come to the front, please.

Let's begin.

Man, you got some sweet little ass on you, cupcake.

- Shut the fuck up!

- I'd take a nice little bite out of that sweet little ass,

cupcake.

(Mary grunting)

You okay? - Yeah.

- That was great.

- It was.

He brought me up to the class.

And he's telling me, you know, just go ahead and do

whatever you feel like doing.

I mean, it was just incredible.

I started punching and swinging at him.

I mean, I never knew it would feel

this good to hit somebody,

you know?

That's great.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- I did, I did!

And this teacher is so fantastic.

He said I have a really high RRQ.

- RRQ?

- Rage Release Quotient!

He said I have the highest in the class.

Ha.

(trilling tongue)

99.3!

- Maybe I should take that class.

Alex and Raina were at that dinner tonight.

- Oh?

- He made a comment about my tuxedo,

and I wanted to kill him.

I felt like such an idiot standing there having them

seeing me working as a waiter.

- Come on, Joe.

It's what you do.

- It's not what I do.

- Okay, it's not what you do.

But it's how you pay the rent.

Huh?

And there's nothing wrong with it.

I mean, everybody has to work.

- Well, I'm sick of this shit.

I feel like my life's going nowhere.

- Joe, your life is going somewhere.

I mean, you did this great audition for Dee Dee Taylor.

She immediately got you a job with pay.

Did you ever get through to Madonna?

- No.

No, I've been calling all day.

It's the story of my life.

Nobody's home.

- Oh.

Come on, Joe.

You just, you just gotta stick with it, you know?

I mean, you're a great actor.

I know you're going to make it.

- Do you really think so?

- I have no doubt.

- Okay.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

- Me too, Joe.

You feel like fooling around?

- I don't know.

I'm not really in the mood.

- Come on, let's do it.

- I've got kind of a big day tomorrow.

I don't want to go in looking too tired.

- Come on.

We're not building the pyramids here.

I won't wear you out.

I promise.

- Come on.

I'm serious.

Come on, stop!

- Jesus.

You don't have to get all pissy.

- I'm not getting all pissy.

I'm just not in the mood.

- Okay, fine.

- Men aren't machines that you can turn off

and on by the flick of a switch, you know?

- I get the point, Joe.

- Now you're angry?

- I'm not angry.

Just next time I'm not in the mood, don't give me

any shit, okay?

(upbeat music)

- [Deanna] More champagne, Dirk?

- I'm leaving, Deanna.

- Oh, please.

Please, don't leave me.

I love you, Dirk.

I love you.

- That means nothing to me now.

- But you said you loved me.

- I don't love you, Deanna.

You're weak.

You're helpless.

And frankly, you bore me.

- Please, Dirk.

What do you want me to do?

- I want you to get out of my life.

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Cut!

What's next, Cis?

- Scene 11-A, Deanna attempts suicide again.

10 minutes.

- Whoa.

Forgive me, father.

- Hey, Bob.

Hold up there, wonder muffin.

Hey.

- What's up, Roy?

- Ratings are up another five.

- Well, you guys should give me another raise.

Whoa! - Ow.

- Actually, we've got an entirely new contract for you, Bob.

Five years exclusive with Dirk Drake

having his own A level story line,

20 minutes guaranteed screen time per episode.

- Script approval?

- That's a tall order, Bob.

- When you're on your knees, Roy, everything looks tall.

Remember that.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Dirk Drake.

- What a piece of shit this script is.

I can't believe I spent three years at the Royal Academy

just so I could spew this fucking garbage!

- I'm a little busy, baby.

Do you mind?

- What are you doing?

- I'm working on my next scene.

- Oh, I see.

You're preparing using Stanislavsky's

famous horoscope method.

(Kelly laughing)

And what's so funny?

- You.

- Oh, come on, muffin.

Take off your robe.

- No.

- What?

You defy me, Deanna?

- I'll see you tonight, baby.

- Oh, but I'm ready right now.

See? - Yes, you are.

You hold on to that little monster.

Not too tightly.

Remember what happened last time.

- That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

- I know it was, baby.

(door clicking)

(soft music)

- [Zee] Come on, man!

Get the hell on the set, will you?

Yo, Nicky!

Nick, I got the beach boys.

We're ready.

Whenever you are, baby.

All right, guys.

Settle down.

- All right.

Get quiet on the set, please.

Thank you.

- [Zee] All right, beach boys.

Settle down and listen up!

- Hey, guys, here's the shot, all right?

Now, Madonna is going to come walking

up the center aisle, right?

As she passes you and you see her,

you give a double-take, all right, like, oh, Madonna.

- Whoa, Madonna. - No, no, no.

No, I mean, don't say that, but that's

what you're acting like, right?

Okay.

Now, first of all, you guys on this side

got to angle this way, all right?

- [Zee] Yeah, stand over his way, fellas.

- You guys over here, angle this way, all right?

- You want to angle this way a little bit.

- Thank you.

Okay.

So she walks by, and make it big.

Big double-take, all right?

Call rehearsal.

- Rehearsal! - Okay, ready and action.

And row one.

Row two.

Row three.

And four.

And five.

And the top.

Yeah, great.

Great.

Guys in the top, that was excellent.

- Good job, brothers. - All right-

- Good job, bro! - Good.

Thanks.

That's the way we're goingto do it, exactly like that.

Only bigger.

- Hey, man, make sure you get a shot of my ass.

I've been working on it all week.

(all laughing)

- Actually, he's right.

Make sure all the guys in the front row

have the right kind of, uh-

- What?

- The right kind of ass, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Can you take care of that?

- All right, beach boys.

Turn around!

(upbeat music)

- Bring the lights closer. - Lights.

Romantic.

I want it very romantic.

Sahara, Sahara, let's go.

Let's go.

Where is she?

- I don't know where.

- Did she call?

Is anybody listening to me?

Did Sahara call?

- No.

- That's it.

I am angry.

I am very, very angry.

Kiki.

Kiki!

- Yes, yes.

- Darling, are you afraid of dogs?

- No.

- Excellent.

Bring in the poodle!

- Poodle! - There, there.

* Some things are dark

* Some things are red

* Light up that cigar, baby

* And use your imagination

(phone beeping)

(line ringing)

- [Bob] This is Bob Lattimer.

Leave a message.

- Hi, it's me.

Listen, I was thinking about our fight.

And I know that you feel bad, and I feel bad.

So I just wanted to call and tell you that I

think we can work this out.

If I said anything to upset you, I'm sorry.

Really, I apologize.

As the crab princess said in "The Little Mermaid,"

I wuv you.

And I want to see you.

So please call me.

(phone beeping)

(Sahara sobbing)

- Come on.

I'm not waiting any fucking longer.

Let's go.

Zee, help me out here, will you?

- Man, how you doing?

I'm ready.

- All right.

- [Zee] Stop playing house here!

I want quiet!

- Bring in Madonna!

- Madonna!

(horn blowing)

(crowd cheering)

- Hey, sweetheart.

- Hey, man.

Opie, get in the back.

Go to the back.

Come on, man.

You right there.

Come here.

- Stand in this spot.

- [Joe] Why do I have to go in the back?

- Why?

- Yeah.

- Because your ass looks like a back with a line in it.

Go to the back, or get off the set.

Come on, man.

Move it.

Shit.

Questioning what I was doing.

- Let's go.

All right, we're going to do this.

Don't forget to make it big.

Real but big.

All right, call it, Zee.

- All right, umbrellas!

Play back!

Roll those cameras!

(upbeat music)

- Louder, louder.

Up, up, come on!

Yeah!

Action!

(upbeat music)

* Some girls they like candy

* Others, they like gripe

* I'll settle for the back of your hand *

* Somewhere on my behind

* Treat me like I'm a bad girl

* Even when I'm being good to you *

* I don't want you to thank me

* You can just, whooo

* Some guys like to sweet talk

* And others, they like to tease *

Okay, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Come on!

(horn blowing)

All right, guys, what the fuck, huh?

- That's a cut! - What do I,

what, that was bigger?

You, you're so concerned about your ass.

I'd be concerned about your acting, all right?

Tell the guy in the blue Speedo,

get in the fucking back right now.

(machine beeping)

- [Joe] Hey, Bob.

It's Joe.

I know you're probably in bed shooting heroin

with some underwear model.

But if you want to have a beer or something, give me a call.

(machine beeping)

- [Sahara] Hi, it's me.

Listen, I was thinking about our fight.

And I know you feel bad, and I feel bad.

- Hey.

Are we doing this or not?

- [Bob] You bet your ass we're doing it.

- Are you sure?

Maybe you want to read your mail next.

- (chuckling) Deanna, beware the wrath of Dirk Drake.

Look out.

Here I come.

- [Nick] All right, now what's with the crane, huh?

Zee, why isn't the crane back to one?

- [Zee] Move the goddamn crane back to one, all right?

- [Nick] All right, let's go.

- You know, Biff, sometimes I just want to

rip my clothes off

in the middle of the set, beat the fucking

shit out of that asshole assistant director.

I mean, I can outbox, outrun, and outkick his fucking ass.

And still I have to take orders from all

these stupid sons of bitches!

I can't fucking stand it no more.

Fuck!

(soft music)

Excuse me, Madonna?

Joe Finnegan.

You called me.

I tried calling you right back, but there was no answer

at the number you left.

- (laughing) You really thought I was her, didn't you?

- [Joe] Oh, my god.

You look just like her.

- I know, I know.

I've done her body work for the last two videos.

- [Joe] Really?

- And what I really want to do is get a contract

so I can be in all her videos, and maybe even her movies,

especially now, since the baby.

- So where is she?

- She did all the close-ups yesterday.

She's probably back in LA and Miami.

You know, she spends a lot of time there.

But you know her, right?

- And kick.

Kick.

And punch, and gouge.

And kick.

Okay, position alpha.

I want to show you now what to do in the event

that you are attacked from behind.

This is very important, okay?

Anyone want to volunteer?

Mary?

Okay, now get behind me.

Okay, now, I want you to wrap your arms

around me as if you're going to attack me from behind, okay?

Go ahead.

My hands are free, but it's going to be hard to pull

these arms off, all right?

What's the next closest weapon?

Teeth, right?

But at the same time, bring up that right leg,

and deliver a heel smash to the instep.

So it's, ah, right?

That heel smash will open up this leg, okay, and creating

the space here in which I will deliver

an elbow to the stomach, okay?

Now, why don't you assume that position, okay?

Now, I'm going to grab you here.

Now, give me the bite.

Okay.

And then the heel smash.

Okay.

That's going to open me up a little bit.

And you're going to give me that,

very good.

Okay, try it again.

Okay.

All right.

- It's exciting. - Yeah.

Yeah, that's, that's great.

Yeah. - Excuse me.

- Very good. - Thanks a lot.

- Very good.

- All right, I'll talk to you.

- Yeah, but what about AIDS, man?

AIDS was created in a laboratory

by White Jewish scientists.

It was a conspiracy with the FBI,

basically, to annihilate the power of the Black nation.

This is going to blow your mind.

You know the Holocaust?

Never happened.

- Oh, man.

- What about all the stories and the pictures?

- That shit is fake.

About as real as your hair.

Come on, look at this shit.

I read a book, page after page of proof

that said that the Jews made the whole Holocaust up.

Shit never happened.

- Hey, you know, I think I read that same book.

You remember the part about slavery in America?

- What part is that?

- Where the guy proves that all the African-Americans

who came here in the 1600s actually wanted to come.

In fact, most of them paid their own way.

- What the fuck are you talking about, man?

- No, it's true.

They heard there were lots of jobs over here picking cotton,

which they figured would lead to better jobs,

as muggers and crackheads, so they just all

came rushing over here.

Can you believe it?

Slavery never existed.

(percussive music)

- And this shit is not even a little bit funny.

- Well, it's at least as funny as what

you said about the Holocaust, don't you think?

- How's this for funny, beach boy?

Why don't you get your pail and get out of here?

You're fucking fired.

(Joe chuckling)

All right, everyone, back to work.

I want silence.

Don't play with me today, guys.

Just bear with me.

- Just give me a minute.

I told you it was the rubber!

- The rubber's off now.

- Damn right the rubber's off.

- Well?

- Hold on.

What do you think I am, a machine?

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on, Kelly.

Get back here.

Get back in the bed.

- Listen, baby, I know these things happen sometimes.

But I got to know.

Can you do this or not?

Because if you can't, I gotta get on the phone,

make some calls, and find somebody who can.

(soft music)

Oh, what's the matter, baby?

I hurt you feelings?

- Actually, Kelly, you did hurt my feelings.

Christ.

I mean, I like you, right?

You're making me feel like I'm just

a stiff piece of meat to you.

- Mm.

Well, not so stiff, really, right?

- Just get the hell out of here.

You think I want to do this now after what you just said?

- You can't do it.

- Get on the bed.

- No!

(both grunting)

See you on set, Dirk.

(Bob grunting)

- So anybody need a ride?

I'm heading downtown.

- No thanks.

- Where are you going, Mary?

- I'm actually, I'm going downtown.

- Great.

- Anybody else need a ride downtown?

- Okay.

It's a big car, ladies.

No takers?

(upbeat music)

Bye.

(car alarm chirping)

There you go.

- Oh, thank you.

- God damn it.

Mary?

Mary?

Where is she?

- You know, Mary, I got to say, of all the women

who have passed through my classes over the years,

you're by far the most courageous and committed.

- Thanks, Doug.

You're, uh, you're a great teacher.

And everybody says so.

- Well, yes and no.

I mean, you know, I mean a teacher can only do so much.

What does your boyfriend do?

(upbeat music)

- Oh, my god!

Jesus Christ.

- I'm leaving, Deanna.

- Oh, please.

Please don't leave me.

I love you, Dirk.

I love you.

- [Dirk] That means nothing to me now.

- You said you loved me.

- I don't love you, Deanna.

You're weak.

You're helpless.

And frankly, you're boring.

- Oh, please Dirk.

What do you want me to do?

- I want you to get out of my life.

- Well, what's she gonna do now, huh?

Try suicide again?

Hmm.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- Look at Bob on the TV.

Wow, it is Bob.

Look at that.

- How long have you guys been together?

- Six years.

- Jump back.

Wow.

Like a real married couple here.

Wow.

- Ah, no.

I don't think either one of us

is very interested in marriage.

- You know something?

Your boyfriend is a very, very lucky guy.

- Thank you.

(car horn honking)

- [Doug] Mary.

Wait, Mary.

- Baby, what's the matter?

- Can I come in?

- Of course.

Of course.

Um, what, what's going on?

What, what is it?

- I've been thinking a lot.

I feel it's important to tell you.

(dramatic music)

- Tell, tell me what?

- Look, I know I've been-

- No, Bob.

No, you haven't.

- Yes, I have.

I have, all right.

And I feel,

I feel-

- What?

What do you feel?

What, baby?

- Oh.

Ohh.

Ohh.

- Oh, it's okay.

- Did they pay you? - No.

But for me, it was worth it.

- Oh, that's great, Joe.

That's great.

You get your first paying acting job ever,

and you blow it all by making some stupid comment.

That sounds worth it.

- I don't want to sound funny, Mary.

But a lecture is the last thing that I need right now.

- Hey, Joe.

Do you think just once, you could lift the toilet

seat when you take a leak?

- What do you mean, just once?

I always lift it.

- You never do it.

Come here, look at this.

There's piss all over the seat.

- There is not. - Come look.

- I'm not going to go in there and look at a drop

of piss on a toilet seat.

- You admit it. - I do not.

Would you get off my case?

What's the matter with you?

- I'm not on your case.

You're just in a bad mood because you

know you did something stupid.

- What?

You're going to bed?

- Well, it appears that way.

Why?

Is there something on your mind?

- Well, it just struck me that we haven't

made love for over a month.

- Well, it's not my fault.

- Well, it's not my fault.

- Joe, you have been very depressed lately.

- [Joe] No, I haven't.

- You just told me yesterday you felt like your life

was going nowhere.

- So?

I can feel that way and not be depressed.

- Well, it's very hard on me dealing with your moods

all the time.

- Well, it's very hard on me having to wear

the rubber all the time.

- It's not all the time.

- It certainly seems like it.

- Fine.

We won't use it.

I'll just get pregnant.

Is that what you want?

- Why is it that every time I say

I don't want to use a rubber, you accuse me

of wanting to get you pregnant?

- You said you wanted to have a baby.

- Not right now.

- When?

- Look, let's just stop this discussion right now.

I'm in a bad mood.

You're in a bad mood.

We're stopping.

I've stopped.

- You make some money,

and maybe we'll talk about having a kid.

- Why does it always have to come down to money with you?

- Because you don't have any.

And let's face it, Joe.

I know you're trying to make it as an actor.

But you work as a waiter.

You still don't even have an agent.

- I know I don't have an agent.

You think I don't know that?

- Don't yell at me.

- Well, don't talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot!

You think I like being broke all the time?

You think I like wearing that cheap tuxedo,

serving up salmon and greasy cheesy sauce?

You think I like kissing Dee Dee Taylor's ass

so she can get me a job standing around in my bathing suit,

which you bought?

How do you think that makes me feel, huh?

- Joe, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Okay?

Come here.

- No.

- I know how hard it is on you, Joe.

But it's hard on me too.

I feel like everything's on my shoulders.

I feel like I'm all alone.

- I know.

I've got to ask Ernst for more work.

That's all there is to it.

I've got to find some way to make some more money.

- Joe, come here.

Joe, I love you whether you have money or not, okay?

I don't want to argue with you.

I came home tonight, and I really wanted to see you.

- You go out and have a drink after class?

- No, class went a little later tonight.

And I hopped in a cab and came home.

- You took a cab?

- Yeah, I just wanted to get home.

- That makes sense.

(upbeat music)

Hey, Mary, look at this.

Look at this woman's underwear.

See how it's all sleek and lacy, how it accentuates

every part of her body and presents it

like a beautiful piece of candy?

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

I'm just listening.

- Well, you got a funny look on your face.

- Joe, I'm just waiting for you to make your point.

- Well, my point is, compare that

to men's underwear, which is white,

cotton, shapeless, essentially a diaper.

What do you think that's saying?

- All men are babies?

- I'm trying to be serious here, Mary.

I think this is an important statement

about the relationship between men and women.

- Good.

I think you should write a book about it.

And then maybe you can tour the country

lecturing the lingerie stores.

- Thanks a lot, Mary.

That's very funny.

- I still need the rent.

- I'm picking my check up from Ernst today.

- I might be a little bit late tonight

because I've got an audition.

- For what? - Some movie.

Dee Dee Taylor called me in.

- Well, good luck.

- So I guess we're still fighting, huh?

- I'm not fighting.

- What?

No kiss goodbye?

(door slamming)

(dramatic music)

- I had an abortion.

- So what?

- Dirk, how could you be so cruel?

- I'm not cruel, Deanna.

I'm honest. (sighing)

And I know exactly what you are.

- I want to go.

- No, you don't.

- I want- - You want me.

That's what you want.

- [Carl] Cut, cut, cut!

Bob, it's all about energy, man.

When you grab her, I need to see energy.

- What the fuck do you mean?

- [Carl] Cis, be so kind

as to tell him what the fuck I mean.

- Louder, Carl?

Is that what you're saying?

- God fucking dammit.

I'm coming down.

God damn it!

This is what I'm talking about.

You grab her, like this.

Ha!

She feels it.

You feel it.

She's turned on.

She's like a hunted animal.

Suddenly, you pull her to you like this.

(blouse ripping)

Oh, I like that.

Rip her blouse.

- [Man] Wardrobe.

- Let her know that it's sex right now, whether she wants it

or not.

Okay, Shakespeare?

Go nuts.

(buzzer buzzing)

And action.

- I had an erection.

(all laughing)

I mean abortion.

Abortion.

- All right, all right.

Come on, Bob.

I said action.

(dramatic music)

Action!

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Oh, bloody Christ.

(buzzer buzzing)

- Bob, Bob.

- I'm off the show, all right?

No contract, no nothing.

Party's over.

That's it.

- Bob, Bob.

Bob, you're making way too much out of this, man.

You just got a little jammed up.

That's all.

It happens to everybody.

- No.

We've got a big, big problem here.

And I can tell you exactly where it is.

- All right, it's Carl, right?

You want a new director?

- No, it is Dirk and Deanna.

Their story is stalled.

They keep going in circles, saying

the same things over and over.

They're not real.

There's no movement, no development.

- All right, okay.

You want development?

No problem.

Here we go.

Okay.

They are, they get married.

Right?

So we do the whole ceremony and the wedding night.

Hot tub, baby oil.

You with me?

See?

You want development, you got it.

- You see, I'd go in exactly the opposite direction.

Think about this, Roy.

The next time Deanna attempts suicide, it works.

(Roy laughing)

- That would be funny.

Christ, she talks about it enough.

- Every single episode.

- She kills herself?

- She kills herself.

She kills herself.

- God, I can't believe how simple that was.

(Roy laughing)

Hey.

Hey, good idea, Roy.

Thanks for thinking about it.

I mean it.

(dramatic music)

- Kelly.

- All right, what is the, uh, meter reading?

- Meter's at 11.

- Yeah.

And the, uh, face.

I want the faces to look all right.

- Oh, I know.

I can feel it.

- Can you?

- Yes, I really can.

- Mary, it was telling me to just get away and spend

some quality time with me.

- Oh, your favorite person.

- Yeah.

(both laughing)

- With myself.

Yes, yes, yes.

I told you that I'm a very spiritual person.

- Mm-hmm.

- Today my horoscope said, "You will look within.

And that which was lost will be regained."

- Oh.

- I've regained something, Mary.

Someone.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- That guy you went rollerblading with?

- What?

- You know, who hit you with his elbow?

- Oh, oh.

Oh, that was an accident.

Besides, love is never perfect, Mary.

I've learned that.

And I'm a much happier person.

- Sahara, darling, I need you out here immediately.

Let me see these.

Who are you going to put there?

Will everyone please be quiet!

I want absolute quiet in this room right now.

This is not a game.

We are not playing here.

I'm sorry to be yelling, but I am very angry.

Not at you, my darlings.

You are magnificent, both of you.

All right, let's shoot.

All right.

Yes, yes.

Love.

(soft music)

(camera shutter clicking)

Sensual.

Good, Rubio.

Almost there.

And the stomach, stomach.

Give me those nice, tight chunky abs.

That's it.

That's it.

Good.

All right.

Eternity.

Oh.

Eternal love.

Hold on.

Keep going.

Give me more.

Give me abs, chunky abs.

Tighter, tighter.

Tighter.

(Rubio farting) (all gasping)

- Oh, dios. - Rubio, what's the matter?

Come on-

- What is it?

What happened?

What's the matter?

(Rubio speaking foreign language)

- He is deeply, deeply ashamed.

He has never, ever released the gas

in front of a woman before.

- Rubio.

Rubio, it's okay.

It's okay.

I don't mind.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

I don't mind.

Oh, Rubio.

I love you.

Rubio, no care.

No care.

Do you understand no care?

No care.

No care.

Oh.

- Clear.

(soft music)

(camera shutter clicking)

- Mr. Bob.

Clean, press, hang, no box.

- Ah, you're the best, Chang.

- I know it. - Yeah.

I've got something for you.

- Oh, no.

- My old tuxedo. - Mr. Bob.

- Come on.

I told you I was going to give it to you.

Just take it, will you?

- Will you sign?

- What? - Your name.

Sign your name here.

- Chang, I'm not going to sign a fucking tuxedo.

- Oh, yes, Mr. Bob.

You will sign.

Souvenir, remember?

(both laughing)

- Hey, Bob!

- Hey! - Hey!

Look at you!

Look at that!

Look at all this money.

- How are you, man?

- Oh, great.

Hey, did you get my message, man?

You haven't fucking called me, you bastard.

- I was going to call you.

But I've been so busy with this god damn soap.

- Oh, yeah.

It's going pretty well, huh?

- I can't complain.

Yeah.

Just signed a five-year contract today.

- That's great. - Yeah.

- Five years!

- What about you?

Still doing the catering?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm picking up my tux right now.

And, uh, check it out.

- What's that? - I did a Madonna video.

Yeah.

She called me at home.

I tried to call her back, but I haven't been

able to get through, you know?

(Bob laughing)

What?

What, you don't believe me?

Come over to my house.

Come over right now.

Come on, let's go over to my house.

I'll play the message for you.

I saved the tape.

Come on.

I'll play it for you. - Hey.

That was this, that was this chick I know.

She does a great Madonna imitation.

I said, hey, call my buddy, Joe.

Say you're Madonna.

Leave a fake number.

I didn't think she was going to do it.

- That was you?

- Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

I mean that.

I'm really sorry.

- No.

- We should get together sometime.

- Yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

Come on, let's get together.

- All right, I'll give you a call.

- Hey, you look good, man. - Hey, likewise.

(upbeat music)

Hey, I might be getting married.

- Have you been back to class since then?

- Well, yeah.

But I can barely look at him.

I'm still so furious.

- Mary, I'm wondering if this enormous anger

you have toward Doug is not somewhat misplaced.

- What do you mean?

- Well, should he be so harshly condemned simply for finding

you sexually desirable?

- Well, should I be grateful to him for wanting to kiss me?

Is that what you're saying?

- Mary, I know this is a sensitive subject for you.

But please try to remember, I'm on your side.

I believe that you do indeed have some difficulty

in accepting yourself as a beautiful, sexually

desirable young woman.

- Dr. Leuter, would you please stop saying that?

- [Dr. Leuter] Why?

- Well, honestly, it's just a little weird

hearing it from my therapist.

That's all.

- Yes, I am your therapist, Mary.

But I am also a man.

And I would be lying to you if I said that I

didn't have impulses as both.

Do you think my lying to you would be beneficial?

- No.

- In truth, I have entertained sexual thoughts about you

many times during our meetings.

- Dr. Leuter-

- Let me finish, please.

- Okay.

- In fact, just a moment ago while you were speaking,

and while I was utterly and professionally engaged in what

you were saying, part of me was imagining

what your breasts would feel like naked in my hands.

- I think I'd better leave.

- Mary- - No.

- Sit down, please.

Mary, please.

It is imperative that you confront this issue.

Mary.

(door slamming)

Mary.

(car horn honking)

- What, you got friends all over the fucking place?

- [Lisa] Yes, I have friends, as a matter of fact.

I am not your fucking dog!

(Lisa gasping)

- Hey! - Oh, my god.

- Look, I'm not going to fucking tell you again.

- Hey! - See what you made me do?

- Take it easy. - Listen to me.

- You don't have to hit her. - Who the fuck,

shut the fuck up, asshole!

- [Lisa] Hey!

Will you just stop? - I'm an asshole, huh?

You're the asshole, pal.

- Yeah, I'm an asshole? - Oh, my god.

- Want to get shot, motherfucker, huh?

Huh, fuck face, you want to get shot?

- [Joe] Go ahead, shoot me.

- [Man] What, are you fucking brave now motherfucker?

- Go ahead.

Go ahead, do it.

You want me to fucking shoot you?

- Go ahead.

Shoot the whole fucking world.

We don't care.

Go ahead.

- [Man] Lisa!

Come on, baby.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Excuse me, Ernst.

- What is it?

- You're probably going to want to fire me.

But somehow, I lost my bow tie.

- Jesus.

And Mary, Joseph, and Moses.

- I've looked everywhere for it.

It must've fallen out of my bag.

Well, I know you're really short tonight.

And I feel terrible.

- Come here, Joe.

This is called a four-in-hand.

Do you know how to tie it?

- No, sir.

Mine was a clip-on.

- Are you on for the lunch tomorrow?

- No, I wasn't told.

- Put it in your book.

- Thank you, Ernst.

I'll make sure I have my own tie.

- Keep this one.

Looks better on you.

- And hit.

(all grunting)

And hit.

(all grunting)

Okay.

Um, we've got about a minute left.

Chantal, why don't you come up to the front?

- Doug, could someone else go?

I don't feel that good today.

- Oh, Chantal, I mean, your RRQ is

one of the lowest in the class.

I really feel right now if we go for it,

we can possibly bring you up 25 points.

What do you say?

Come on.

- Okay.

- Now, just relax.

Come on, big mama.

I got something for you right here, big mama.

It's all yours, big mama.

Come on, come on.

(Chantal sobbing)

Okay, okay, okay.

That's enough.

You all right?

- Mm. - It's okay.

Class, remember, tears are an entirely appropriate response,

okay?

Mary, why don't you come up?

How have you been?

- Good.

- You seem a little upset about something.

You okay?

- Never better.

- Okay.

So why don't you turn around some

of that sweet little cupcake ass of yours?

Come on.

(Mary grunting)

- One, two, three, four!

Oh!

(both grunting)

And a knee to the groin!

(Doug groaning)

(upbeat jazz music)

- [All] Yay!

(all cheering) (all clapping)

- Whooo!

- [All] Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary!

- I had an abortion. - So what?

- [Deanna] Dirk, how can you be so cruel?

- I'm not cruel, Deanna.

I'm honest.

And here.

I brought you something.

(dramatic music)

- [Deanna] I love you, Dirk.

(gun firing)

- Oh, my god.

She finally did it.

(upbeat music)

- Shit.

Hi.

Joe Finnegan.

I have a 7:45.

- They just took the eight o'clock.

- Sorry.

- You're going to have to wait.

(upbeat music)

(distant shouting)

- Joe?

Joe?

Joe?

(machine beeping)

- [Sahara] Hi, Mary.

It's Sahara.

You're not going to believe this,

but I think I'm getting married.

I know it's crazy.

But I'm in love.

Give me a call.

Okay, bye.

- [Joe] Joe and Mary, quite contrary.

Some might call them adversaries.

Nonetheless, I must confess she's the one I love the best.

I'll see you tonight.

(machine beeping)

- Thanks, man.

Great script.

Really good.

- [Man] We'll talk to you, all right?

- Bye, Dee Dee.

Big kiss, big one.

- Mwah. - See ya, Larry.

- See you later.

- Great to see you, Lawrence.

- Next, please. - Finnegan.

- Oh, dammit, I've got one more here.

- Who's this guy, anyway? - Ah, he's Joe Finnegan.

I told you I thought you should see him.

- I'd like two white wines and a Bloody Mary.

(man laughing)

- Frankly, pal, so would I.

- Joe, why are you wearing a tuxedo?

- Sorry, Miss Taylor.

I just got off work.

I didn't have time to change.

- Joe, most of these parts are already cast.

But since you are the last one,

we are going to let you read the Nick and Shelley scene.

Now, that is Tina.

She's going to be reading with you.

- Hey.

I know you.

The Madonna video?

Don't you remember?

You thought I really was Madonna?

- Oh, my god.

You look completely different.

You changed your hair.

- [Tina] Yeah, I'm, I'm back to my real color.

- Okay.

Okay.

It's fairly simple.

You are a serial killer.

- A very sexy serial killer.

- She thinks that you love killing more than you love her.

So she grabs the gun that you have

just used to kill her father, and mother,

and sister, and brother.

- I, I still,

I really don't think the brother.

It's too much.

- No, you need the brother.

He's symbolic.

- Would you two please just mind saving this?

I will make this decision.

- All right. - All right?

Anytime you're ready.

- I love you, Shelley.

Give me the gun.

- No.

- Give it to me.

- You don't love me.

- I do.

- Tell me one thing that you love about me.

Tell me.

- I love your hair.

I love your breath.

Your skin, your eyes.

I love your smile, your touch.

I love the way you fall asleep at night, holding my finger.

Please.

Please.

Give me the gun.

- Changed some of the lines there, Joe.

- I'm sorry.

I got a little lost.

Thanks.

- No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

(man whispering)

- I'll just ask, of course.

- Well, find out. - Uh, Joe,

we'd like to see a,

something else now.

Something, um, a little different tone.

- Right now?

- Anything you want, Joe.

Um, we just want to get some idea of, uh, your range.

- Do you have anything, Joe?

(Joe exhaling)

- You know, Biff.

Sometimes I just want to rip my clothes off

in the middle of that store and outbox

that goddamn merchandise manager.

(dramatic music)

I mean, I can outbox, outrun, and outlift

anybody in that store.

And still, I have to take orders

from those common, petty sons

of bitches till I can't stand it anymore.

See, Biff, everybody around me is so false.

I'm constantly lowering my ideals.

- Oh, my god.

(all clapping)

Ah, you see?

Told you my instincts were never wrong.

That was very good, Joe.

Very, very good.

Bravo!

(upbeat music)

- Hey, I just got a part in a movie.

I still can't believe it.

My first part in a movie.

- They all loved you, Joe.

You were so great.

- I was great?

Well, you know, you were great.

I mean, I don't know why you're not acting in it.

- No, I'm not an actress, Joe.

I know that now.

- What about standing in for Madonna?

- Blonde, black, back to blonde.

My hair couldn't take it anymore.

- I think your hair looks great this way.

Yeah.

I think it looks great.

- I wanted to do that all night.

- Hey, I just got a part in a movie.

- That's incredible.

- A friend of mine told me about this place.

You see all these waitresses?

They're all models, all of them.

High-class models.

- You're so sexy, Joe.

I want you right now.

- Tina, I want you too.

- When you said those things you loved about me,

it felt like you really meant it, like, you

were really talking to me.

- Oh, this is crazy. - I know.

- Sorry. - Let's go back to my place.

- No.

Boy, I'd really like to.

But- - I like you too, Joe.

- No, no, I mean, I got to go.

- You gotta go? - I'm sorry, Tina.

I, you going to be all right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to be all right.

It's good to see you again, Joe.

- You too, Tina.

(upbeat music)

Mary.

- Joe. - I got the part.

- Did you? - A part in a film.

And there's money.

- Joe, Joe, that's fantastic.

Joe.

Joe.

Joe, do I have a sexual problem?

- Are you crazy?

- Dr. Leuter said I had a sexual problem

because I didn't want to hear his fantasies about me.

- What fantasies?

- He said he was a man and wondered what my breasts would

feel like naked in his hands.

- Well, I'm a man.

And he's going to wonder what my fist

feels like naked in his face.

- Joe, you don't think I have a sexual problem?

- Hell, no.

- But even you said I wasn't spontaneous.

- Well, did I?

Oh, come on, Mary.

I meant both of us.

- You're still attracted to me?

- Of course I am.

- We haven't made love in over two months.

- I know that.

Are you kidding?

I'm very aware of that.

Maybe you're not attracted to me.

- How can you say that?

- Maybe you're attracted to guys like your self-defense

teacher and his big fancy BMW.

- Joe, I am very attracted to you.

(soft music)

- I'm very, very, very attracted to you, Mary.

- I am very, very, very attracted to you, Joe.

(upbeat music)

(shirt ripping)

(Joe grunting)

(bulb shattering)

What are you doing?

Oh, God.

(both moaning)

Jesus Christ.

Joe, you were incredible.

- Me?

What about you?

You little rabbit.

You little sex rabbit.

- Carrot boy.

(Joe exhaling)

- Wow.

- Hey, how did you know my teacher had a BMW?

- Does he?

- Yeah.

- Lucky guess.

Sorry about the rubber.

You think we'll be okay?

- I don't know.

Hope so.

(soft music)

- Good morning.

How do you like your eggs, baby?

- Over easy. - All righty.

Over easy it is.

Everything is going to be easy from here on out.

And you know what I've decided for the wedding?

I go back to my real color.

Brunette again.

I haven't been a brunette in years.

I don't know how long.

That's the real me anyway.

And who more would you want than the real me?

Nothing more than just absolutely me.

I feel so comfortable with you.

I'm so excited about this.

(soft music)

- Buddy.

(soft music) (singer vocalizing)

(upbeat jazz music)