Original subtitles

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Betty.

Well, maybe not so little.

At least not some parts of her.

What I'm really trying to say is, she had large,

huge.

It's like this.

The kid had humongous tits.

But tits like these can be an advantage.

For soon, Betty bounced her way to California,

where she, her babe, began an exciting,

meaningful career in Hollywood.

Gotta change that.

Bring on. Got that for pride's sake.

If you're looking for your wand, buddy,

how's your hands on my ass?

Hi. My name is Aniluzin.

I know I need a little tote.

If you got little brains, you'd be dangerous.

Now I'm extremely proud to announce the world

famous little play out there,

Buzz Day.

Yeah.

To present the girl with the biggest chest in the West,

the babe with more bounce

to the end.

And here they are for your pleasure, bouncing Betty Big

Ones and her Fuzzome Buddy.

You and your two friends did good tonight, kid. Gee.

Thanks, Anita.

So when do we get a raise?

Jesus. The acoustics in here are terrible.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Thank you, missus Scrooge.

I heard that.

Hi, Sandhya. Oh, hi, Betty.

Your costume just came back from the cleaners.

Oh, go ahead. Hi.

Do you think they called too much attention to my tits?

Hi, Nookie. Hello, Betty.

Your agent called.

He wants you to get in his office tomorrow morning at eleven o'clock.

Oh, no. His wife must be out of town again.

No. This time he said he has something really big for you.

Big?

This'll cover it.

Betty, wouldn't it be wonderful if this time it was for real?

Well, he did send me out on an audition last week.

And my horoscope says I'm due for a big break.

Yeah.

But that could mean you might trip and break one of your tits.

No.

My horoscope had a happy face on it.

And besides, I will see Harry tomorrow.

Hey, Nucky. You and what's her name are on in two minutes.

Okay, Warden.

Break a leg, you two.

My goodness. She is shy, isn't she?

Then the audience thinks I'm the dummy.

You heard me.

Big Boobs are going the way of the buffalo.

Shh. What?

Not so loud. They're very sensitive.

Oh, well, big boobs are great for nightclubs,

but they're a bust for TV.

Oh, yeah? What about that TV commercial audition last week?

Yeah. But let me tell you.

You told me I was perfect for that full figure bra commercial.

Yeah.

But after a little market research,

the over the shoulder boulder holder bra company folded their tits.

What do you suggest?

Take three inches off your tits.

Wait a minute.

I thought you might suggest acting lessons, tap dancing.

Listen, Betty.

If you could squeeze those two monsters in a size huge bra

instead of a size humongous, next month,

I can get you a booking for a TV program.

Oh, but they took so long to grow, and it's gotta be

hard to get three inches off.

Hey. I've never had any problem getting three inches off.

I mean, it's, a cinch. Here, go see my brother, the diet maven.

Doctor Buzz Ranchey,

founder and director of the Dubious Diet Institute?

Oh, Betty, that's the Dubois Diet Institute.

Good old Buzz has been handling big tits all his life.

Well, Harry, I'll have to talk it over with my friends down at the club,

Cynthia and Nookie Monster.

Nookie Monster?

Yeah. That's Lotta's prop, and he eats her every night.

Oh, lucky monster. You don't mind, do you?

Well, if it isn't me, it might as well be a monster.

I mean about me talking to my friends.

Me? Your good old uncle Harry? Oh, contraire.

Harry, you're not my uncle.

Uncle brother Smother, what's the difference?

We're not any relation.

We can have all the relations we want on my carpet.

I can't think of sex when you're talking about my tits.

Funny, that's the only thing I can think of when we're talking about your tits.

Meanwhile, back at the club.

The world famous little playhouse is pleased to present

three feisty firecrackers who will light your fuse and make

you wanna go bang.

Here they are, the dynamite dancers.

And the plot thickens.

You what?

I said I'm thinking about reducing the size of my tits.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me turn around and make it easier for you to plunge the knife in.

They're her tits, Anita.

Bullshit.

Right now, those bazooms are the only thing between this place and the poor house.

It's only three inches. Three inches.

Can mean the difference between coming or going.

Listen. I'm gonna level with you.

Those knockers of yours are the only thing that's keeping this place afloat.

Look, Henry, every strip joint in town's got cute and cuddly

tits like Sen's.

Cute and cuddly don't sell tickets.

I need every inch you can give me.

But I'm talking about my career.

And I'm talking about Charlie Little's Little Playhouse,

a veritable American institution and tourist trap,

not to mention my bread and butter.

Oh, how I miss my sweet beloved Charlie.

And he's not even cold in his grave yet.

Already the end grates are dumping on his bereaved widow.

Anita, I'm not dumping on you.

Besides, Charlie's been dead two years.

That doesn't change the fact that that man was like a father

to you girls and me too.

Well, he should have been more than a father to you.

You married him.

Just barely.

I mean, our marriage bed turned out to be his death bed too.

One poppity was gone.

But the the last thing that he whispered before he went,

he said, you know, I love them dizzy graws down at the club.

You know, Benny, he always thought of you kids as his little girls.

But

instead of the easy life as Mrs.

Little, I get stuck with this ulcer trap and creditors up the wazoo.

But, Betty, without you and my star

attraction, we might as well close the doors.

I mean, you wouldn't wanna be responsible for sin and the

Nookie Monster and and what's her name to be out of a job now, would you?

Of course not, but But it's

settled.

What are you sitting there for?

Get those two empty wallet tits of yours out on the stage.

Empty wallet.

I'll show you how to work empty wallet.

Welcome to the Devoir Diet Institute, where the elite meet

to watch what they eat.

Hello.

I'm doctor Buzz Raunchy. And, hello, why don't you sit down?

On my face. What did you say? Why don't you find a chair?

Any place.

Oh, that lucky chair.

I beg your pardon.

I said you have a lovely, lovely hair.

Oh, thank you. But that's not the problem.

The problem is my tits.

Your tits? I hadn't noticed them at all.

Really?

Oh, your brother said you were one of the biggest boobs around.

Boob specialist. I think that's what he meant.

Well, can you handle these?

Does a bear shit in the woods? What?

Does does the chair fit good?

I just want to know,

do you have time to look at my boobs or don't you?

I think I can squeeze your boobs in in.

Oh, goody.

You see, if I don't lose three inches off my tits, your

brother says that I'll lose a big TV series.

Oh, you poor baby.

Do you charge much, doctor?

I usually charge one grand.

One grand,

Gee. I've always been known for the grand ones I give.

Oh, I'd like one of your grand ones, miss big ones.

Take three inches off my tits, and I'll give you three grand ones.

A grand one for every inch you take off.

Well, let's get started at once. Let me have a feel.

I mean, let me feel.

Tell me, miss Big Ones, what did you eat last night?

Oh, yes.

I had a long, sweet, Polish

sausage.

Oh, I see.

Miss big ones, you have a very unique problem.

Most women gain weight in their hips, but you, you have

kids that are like a magnet,

and they draw erbicaca maimi calorie in the silly cellular cell.

And I want to say that Oh, my poor babies.

The nice doctor will take care of you.

Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now,

I'll need some information.

What size are the maracas in question?

Huge?

Gigantic.

Humongous.

Can you wet your lips and say do mongus while,

fondling the, knockers in question?

What in heaven's name?

Oh, coordination test, big ones, like patting your head

and rubbing your tummy.

Highly, highly scientific.

Well, in that case,

you.

I kinda like that.

It made my nipples hard.

That's not the only thing you made hard.

Now now we are going to take all your clothes off and I'm

going to examine you from head to toe.

And after that, I'm going to examine you again.

Why you been examining me twice?

You should always have a second opinion.

Oh, that makes

sense.

Oh, I can't.

Oh, don't stop now, miss big ones.

I don't feel right. Yet I should.

I mean, after all, you are a doctor, aren't you?

Oh, I'm a graduate. Some come loudly.

Quackoing University of Medicine, class of sixty nine.

Now, miss Big Ones, please do not be shy.

I am going to sit here with my hands on top of the desk, under

the desk, in my snug, in my pants.

What? Plants. People always keep stealing my plants.

I mean, if you can't trust your doctor, who can you trust?

Oh, that's what I always used to say when I was a

gynecologist, a proctologist, a tree surgeon.

Oh my god.

I can't. No.

I just can't.

Why not? No.

No.

Why can't you?

I just can't.

It feels sturdy with just you here.

I need a room full of men staring at me, like down at the club.

Oh.

This goes deeper than I suspected.

But first, before I prescribe a diet,

I'm afraid you'll need the help of a psychiatrist to prepare for my plan.

You mean, you want me to see a shrink?

Well, if you want your boobs to shrink, well,

first you'll have to see a shrinker.

Here. Here's his kind.

Doctor Lucifer Chase,

your old world shrinking exercise suite six six six,

libido professional building.

Isn't that the building that's shaped like a penis over on envy street?

Yes.

Of course, that's the one.

I'll hold you up and tell him to accept you.

Hello, noose. Yeah. It's Buzz.

You know that little favor I owe you? Well, it's payday.

And soon So you see, Likshan, together we will create a

positive mental attitude that will give you all the strength

that you need to follow the strict diet of the wise doctor

Ranchin.

We call this in the medical profession see body sees doctor

Lipshutz.

My name isn't Lipshutz.

It's big ones, but you can call me Betty.

Beautiful. Excellent, miss Betty. Remove all your clothes.

But you're a psychiatrist. You're not a medical doctor.

Why do you want me to remove all my clothes?

You would cheat a psychiatrist out of all our kicks.

I'm sorry, doctor.

Why do you stop?

I don't know.

I guess it would be more natural if you clapped your

hands and yelled, take it off, doctor.

As you wish. Take it out, doctor. Take it out, doctor.

Take it out, doctor.

It's no use.

So I got a bad case of cold tits.

A little music might help. It does at the club.

I agree. But you're gonna need more than music.

I want you to watch the watch.

Watch carefully, then just relax and empty your mind.

Man, ra ra ra ra ra.

You did that so quickly and loudly, my dear.

I want you to concentrate on my voice. You will do as I say.

I want you to lose all your inhibitions.

Forget where you are.

And when I play this music, I want you to take it all off.

Take it all off.

Hey, and now for the number one song for the number one station.

You heard it here.

Where hearing is believing,

it's the unbelievable unreal bump belly band doing taking it

off.

What happened?

What happened? You made my day. You made me feel sexy.

I feel great too. Just like I do after making love.

That is good.

Thank you, doctor.

Honey, I know now that I can take whatever tit diet

doctor Ronchi can hand out, how can I repay you?

Well, now that you brought it up.

Then let's not let that go to waste.

Oh. God bless you, Sigmund, wherever you are.

Back at doctor Raunchy's office.

It was wonderful.

And then when he got me to lose all my inhibitions,

I gave him a grand one right out of his desk.

On his desk? Do you like oak, pine, walnut?

How about plain boys?

And then on the couch and on the floor and in the elevator.

Hurry.

Pick a diet. Any diet.

The wonderful walla walla diet.

Vegetable, vegetarian's delight.

Day one, melons.

Day two, leafy green vegetables.

Day three.

Hi there, cowboy.

Is your name

Jim Bob?

That's right, little, that's right, honey.

Is your last name Bob?

Nope. Simcock.

Oh. Simcock. That's a nice name.

That's Simcock. What's yours beautiful?

Pretty big ones. One sixty nine Boozum Boulevard.

Telephone is five five five six nine six nine.

Pardon number?

One six nine.

I got it. And you are gonna get it.

What do you think of those melons?

I call them a perfect pear.

Oh, when will they be their juiciest?

Oh, say around,

eight o'clock tonight.

I'll take them.

Now I'm supposed to have,

leafy green vegetables all day tomorrow.

Well, I got celery, spinach, lettuce.

That sounds so boring

Show me your zucchini.

You want zucchini?

Well, I got your zucchini hunter right here.

Oh,

that's a nice zucchini.

Kinda skinny but it's long enough and firm

enough to do the job.

Oh. Baby, I'll bring it over tonight.

Yoo hoo, Edna. Come here and look at this man's zucchini.

I haven't seen a zucchini like this since my uncle showed me a

kiss in his garden.

Later that night.

Howdy, y'all.

Honey. Hey. Honey.

Tonight, the little old playhouse is pleased as punch

to introduce to you our newest little filly.

Introduce me to a couple big boobers.

If you don't behave yourself, partner,

I'll introduce you to a couple of big bouncers.

Now, folks, how about a big hand clapping down

home welcome for Susie Saddleback?

Yeah.

Oh, come on down.

Good evening. The little playhouse.

Yes. We're on Prairie Avenue.

Uh-huh. You might call us the little playhouse on Prairie.

Same to you, buddy.

Anita, look at the skunk bag I found

that stage.

Oh, drat. What were you doing back there?

Me?

Ho ho

ho.

Why, ma'am, I'm Doc Holiday of the roach control patrol, and

you'll be happy to know that you are clean as a whistle.

Betty.

Doctor Ronji, where have you been?

I've been trying to get out of that outfit on you is magnificent.

You like it? Like it? I love it.

Damn it. Is it a a deal?

No, silly. The door's over there.

This is a Bernie from Burbank.

He makes hey.

I've been trying to get you all week.

I'm still trying to get you. What?

I've been dying to get you to find out how many inches you've

taken off your kids ever since that wonderful Walla Walla

Diet.

The wonderful walla walla diet didn't work. Oh.

My kids are exactly the same size as they were before.

Although, it was fun making kinky love in all the fruits

and leafy vegetables.

Making love in fruits and vegetables.

Oh, call me a tractor and let me plow your crop from here

to follow follow me.

No way. Jim Bob did that for me. Oh.

We wallowed in melons on Monday, and we wallowed in

lippy greens on Tuesday.

And your kids didn't shrink from all of that?

No. But Jim Bob started shrinking on Wednesday.

That's when I decided I where you've been?

Oh, I got evicted. I mean, I'm branching out.

I am the first diet consultant, that makes house calls.

Great idea. Lousy diet.

I still have to get these three inches off.

Oh, not to worry.

I got the diet custom designed expressly for who?

For what? What?

I don't know yet. Go fish.

The popular popcorn diet. Wow. Isn't that a coincidence?

I was going to pop a kernel or two after the show.

See? It's destined to work. It better, doc.

Remember our deal? You don't get these off of me.

You don't get that off on me.

I mean, it'll work, Billy.

It'll work. I can feel it in my bone. I get my bones.

Now go home and pop those kernels and eat that popcorn.

Now go, baby.

Later that night.

Here you go, Colonel.

Feel that baby. That's my chain of command.

Oh, I'm about to capture your peach head.

Oh, Colonel Colonel, that's dessert.

Let's have our appetizer first.

I can't wait for it, baby.

Oh, I call it my kumquat popover surprise.

Nothing says loving like putting something in your oven.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Yes.

I must confess, until tonight I never ate popcorn unless it was at the movies.

Oh, well get ready colonel it's double feature time.

Forty three d two.

Wait. You mean forty three double d.

Oh Colonel slow down. You're going lickety split.

I've yet to meet a split. I didn't like to lickety.

Oh, Colonel, turn on some music.

It makes me more hot and bothered that way.

Oh, okay.

Okay, baby.

I'm ready for an inspection of your privates.

Oh, but, Colonel, Colonel, Colonel,

it's about your choice of music.

What's wrong with my choice of music?

Oh, it sucks more than I do.

Oh, just close your eyes and pretend

that the entire US army marching band

waiting for your box office to open.

I'm telling you, Betty, that raunchy character is no good.

We'll find the right tit diet for you in one of these books.

I hope so. My agent Harry says I've only got two weeks.

Don't give up yet, kiddo.

And now for the number one song for the number one station,

you heard it here, where hearing is believing,

it's the unbelievable unreal bumpy belly man doing taking it out.

Who says a library has to be?

Stuffy.

Now, now, let's keep it quiet.

Some of us are trying to get naked. Knowledge.

Later, at the fashionable Le Bleu Rinse Cafe.

Yoo hoo, we're over here.

Sorry, we're late,

but you know how involved the libraries can get.

So, Betty, how's your new diet coming?

Well, do they look any smaller? Anita's got a boyfriend.

Anita's got a boyfriend.

Shut up, mother. I'll sew your lips together. A boyfriend?

Come on, Anita. Fess up.

Please. Please. Is it serious?

Nothing a little penicillin wouldn't

care.

What's he do? Is he rich? Not too rich.

Oh my God.

He sounds wonderful.

Well, actually, he came into the club a couple of weeks ago to see, you perform.

But then he met me.

And he told me I reminded him of his late beautiful wife.

And it's been one mad quarrel ever since.

You know, he's a real classy son of a bitch.

What's his name?

You'll meet him when the time is right.

I'm very happy for you.

I'd be happy just to find a waiter.

What's that?

Boy, that's one big fly.

I'm afraid to look.

Okay, ma'am. Phyllis, your waiter.

I'll be most happy to reach down and retrieve the offending insect.

Oh, please.

There's a little power. Oh.

Will there be anything else?

Oh, no. Thank you. Your hands were so strong and gentle.

Yeah. Better to serve you, man.

Oh. Maybe I'll get lucky and a spider will crawl up my leg.

I'll get you menus.

Oh, I was so sure the popular popcorn diet would have done the trick.

No, doc. I did the trick. Oh?

Not only did I get popcorn stuck between my teeth,

I got a kernel stuck between my legs all night.

Not that I'm complaining.

Well, popping Colonels is not for everyone.

Oh, I enjoy popping the Colonel, but it did nothing for my tip.

Your diet bombed. They're still humongous. Look at these.

Well, I got plenty where that came from.

Here, pick a diet, then you die.

No. No. No, Jose. My girlfriends are right.

You're nothing but a quack.

Oh, Betty. Please give me another chance. No.

Please, Betty. No.

No.

No. No.

Well Oh, dear.

Dear.

I wasn't going to share you with any other doctor,

but I hear that this one is really sharp.

Doctor Sohang Acupuncturist. This is your last chance, doc.

Oh, I'm sure it's going to work.

In fact, I'm making a celebration for you and me tomorrow night.

You're on next. I'll be right there. Okay.

I'll go see this acupuncture.

Until then, I'm gonna be on pins and needles.

Oh, I'm sure he'll give you a cure.

You won't feel a prick until our celebration.

Oh, I wonder who the patron saint of grand ones is.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Dynamite Dancers featuring Betty Big Ones.

Hello. I'm Betty Big Winds.

Oh, thank you for coming in. Are you hung?

Like an ox.

Oh, doctor Ronchi sent me.

I'm changing my will. He's getting everything.

What would you like me to do?

Oh, dump the threads for starters.

Well, I usually need some music.

Oh my God.

You're not gonna stick that thing in me, are you? Yes.

Do you mind? I don't know.

I've never seen anything so big.

I could say the same thing for you.

Will it hurt?

No. You only feel a little prick.

Oh.

Lovable, isn't he?

Oh, yes. Does he have a name?

I call him Ebenezer Scrooge.

Why do you call him Ebenezer Scrooge?

Because he's such a tight one.

Oh, I think I know where you're coming from.

Not yet, but soon.

Oh, my legs have names too.

What do you call them?

My left leg is Christmas.

My right one is New Year's.

Wanna come up between the holidays?

Oh, I can't wait until then.

I'm coming right now.

Poor doctor Hong.

And was he ever?

Jesus, it says here he was only forty.

Well, there goes another big one.

I hope he's gone to that big pincushion in the sky.

Come in.

Hello, girlies. Hello, girlies. Stop. Wait a minute.

Don't blame me for honk kicking off. Dying was not in the game.

I've got another chance.

Don't you listen to him, Betty?

Here. Read this card.

The swell swillman diet.

Twelve glasses of water daily.

No. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Does that mean that you're not going to make love with me tonight?

Oh. Oh.

Lada, you're on.

Later that night.

Hello?

Are you having an orgasm or an asthma attack?

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing my sexiest, skimpiest, negligee.

The black see through one with a pair of bikini underwear.

They're crotchless with pink little lips on them.

And oh yes, I'm wearing my white fuzzy bunny slippers

with pink ears and a pink nose.

Tell me more about the fuzzy, bunny slippers.

Just a minute. I need a banana. A banana?

What are you doing to it?

Are you licking it?

Sucking it?

Talk to me.

Talk

Tell me more about the fuzzy bunny that slippers.

Oh, oh, yes. Back to the bunny slippers.

I guess I fell in love with them

because I like to Humphrey,

Pumphrey like a bunny.

Humphrey, bumpety. Oh, my god.

Pardon me. This is the operator.

I have an emergency phone call for a doctor Buzz Raunchy.

Doctor Bunce Raunchy? Surprise.

Surprise yourself.

And now, folks, here's why everybody says Bouncing Betty

Big Ones has the cleanest act in town.

Company's coming.

Oh, good. I love group orgasms.

They're so healthy. No.

I need my friends with me.

Freak him in.

Limbshan. Doctor. James, sir. I wish it'd been mainstream.

Lucifer asked me to marry him.

UW. Yeah. Yeah.

We want you to come to the very I'm closing the club,

and we're moving to Lucifer's estate in Austria.

Oh, I feel like Julie Andrews.

Just think, I'll be Baroness and need a little chase.

I hope you'll both be very happy. What's wrong?

Well, closing the club means I won't have this job.

I'm certainly not gonna get my TV job.

So, don't worry, Betty.

I'm giving all you girls a generous bonus, your last week's salary.

And I have a very special gift for you.

Fosse Dick's fat farm baked tits are specialty?

I can't afford.

Don't worry.

After all the times you jiggled your ass and those jugs are for

me, fat farm's the least I can do for you.

Can they really get these inches off?

I've hired Enrique fondue to be your personal body buddy.

Enrique fondue, the health and happiness guru who was on TV?

Yes.

The same second he won.

But if anybody can get those three inches off, he can.

And we must be off.

Bye, kids.

And reek it, but dude, get ready for the

biggest challenge yet.

Old mister Fosdick had a farm, e I e I o.

And on this farm, they had some tits, e I e I o.

Now now now girls, let's not get catty.

I know I've been away from the TV screen for a couple of

years, but I was busy eating.

I'm just kidding. Bullshit.

Do you like the new punk look? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I'm still missing my new body body Betty.

If you girls happen to see a fat chick shaped like me, it's

probably her.

Oh, hi, honey.

Shit.

Look at those tits.

Hi. Are you Enrique Sandu?

Yes. Are you?

I'm your new buddy buddy Betty big one.

Oh, Jesus. We better get started.

Taking three inches off those maracas is like taking three

quarts of water from a stone.

Are you ready to boober size? Yeah.

Hit it, girls.

That's it for me, girls.

Like I've always said,

no sense me doing anything you can do for yourself.

Now, buddy buddy Betty, get those boobies bouncy.

Hit

it.

Mercy, the Richter scale in the states must be going bananas.

Love that that fool, lift that tip, get a little better and

the dress will get it.

Told that fool, lift that tip, get a little better.

Oh, a double decker avalanche.

Oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Wrap time.

That's it.

Hi.

Gee, they should start early around here, like boot camp.

I mean, boot camp.

Oh, two more days. I'm gonna be dead.

For sister, Fondue is one tough mother.

Still number one at the number one station is the number one

group, the Butt Belly Band doing.

Taking it off.

Taking it up.

Taking it up.

Send in the boobs.

Ready to measure your maracas, mama?

Uh-huh.

Oh, dear. Oh, no.

There is a god. Betty, we did it.

Your tits are no longer humongous.

You've lost three inches. Now, you're only huge.

Oh,

And so, bouncy, berry big ones had won her battle

with mother nature.

She had gotten her boobs down from

positively humongous

to simply huge.

And of course, true to his word, her agent, Harry

Raunchy, was able to snatch her a great

TV role.

That's our show for this week, kids.

Join me next week for little Betty's schoolroom where I'll

teach you a thing or two.

Until then, remember, if you can't play with each

other, play with yourself.

Bye bye, boys and girls.

That's a wrap. You got five minutes.

Sister Mary's here, Betty,

so then we'll do tomorrow's interview.

Isn't she the living in?