Original subtitles

Norman Stanley Fletcher,

you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court.

You're a habitual criminal who sees arrest as an occupational hazard

and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.

We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term.

You will go to prison for five years.

On your rounds, Fletcher. Hospital and governor.

I've got a very nice one for the governor's wife. Listen to this -

"Journey To Paradise - a perilous odyssey of love and anguish set in turbulent Tuscany."

It sounds very torrid. It's not too torrid, is it? It's very tasteful.

They always put the light out.

Come on then.

Could you just sign this requisition order for books?

I know you're busy so don't bother reading it. Sign under the fold.

I think I'd better glance through it. We're a bit behind, Mr Barrowclough.

Fletcher! A lot of these are quite unsuitable.

They'll not suit at all. I mean, look at that one!

"The Great Escape"!

Oh, dear. "Nudes Of The Naughty Nineties"!

Really!

"A History Of Erotica"!

I couldn't find it on the map so I thought a book might help.

I can't let these through, Fletcher.

I mean, they're mostly sexual or subversive.

Oh, dear, no! No, leave "Voodoo Woman", sir! That's a classic, that is!

Look, Fletcher, you've a very privileged job here. Don't lose it.

I see you've allowed the "Enid Blyton Omnibus".

The lads will be very chuffed about that.

There is a limit, you know. Well, I can see it from your point of view.

There are two sides. I hope to bring that to light in my book. What book?

Working in the library inspired me

From the man within, like. Prison life?

You must be careful. Don't worry.

I haven't overlooked the tasks that confront you brave boys in blue!

I shall spotlight your problems as much as those of my fellow felons.

Good. What will you call it? "Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down."

Is this all the mail? Yes, the Home Office have confirmed the dates of Mr Mackay's promotion course.

It's difficult enough running a prison without losing men of Mr Mackay's calibre!

Don't forget that Tuesday is the magistrates' inspection.

We'd better put on a bit of a show.

We'll have a roast and tinned pears with cream. Cream?!

Well, you know - Carnation milk.

I'll get this done then.

Ooh, Mrs Heskith, what a rare treat!

Yes. Good morning, Fletcher.

What a lovely cardigan. It goes with your eyes - two of your best features. I've always thought that.

Yes, Fletcher? Good morning, sir. You'd better get me that release form.

Well, I would if you wouldn't!

Fletcher, what is it?

Books, sir. You always like to have first pick of a new consignment.

I merely like to look them over to see that there's nothing unsuitable.

I see.

I've got a good one for you, sir.

"Tom Brown's Schooldays"? The title is irrelevant.

It's 1� inches thick so it will keep up your wobbly bookcase.

Splendid! Thank you very much!

That's better. Much better!

Get along then, Fletcher. Thank you, sir.

The release form, sir. Oh, splendid!

Where's my pen?

Oh, borrow mine, sir. Oh, thank you, Fletcher.

Well, cut along, Fletcher. Yes, sir. It's just, er... What? My pen, sir.

Sorry!

Thank you, sir!

They all look alike, don't they?

Is that it?

Yeah, aside from some information.

I always learn something in that office. Like what?

Apart from the fact that him and Mrs Heskith are having a ding dong, which we will bear in mind,

I had a look at a memo on his desk.

Being in the nick taught me to read upside down. What did it say?

"Eciffo emoh, lait-ned-if-noc."

What does that mean?

"Home Office, confidential" backwards.

What was it about? It was about Mackay going on a course. When? Where?

Naff off! I only had four seconds.

It must be to do with promotion or transfer.

He ain't let on. He don't know yet! Only me and the governor know.

MACKAY: Come on, men! He's outside. Let's ask him.

No, I can use this to my advantage, right?

MACKAY: Get your hair cut, Evans! Come on!

Get up there.

RAISED VOICE: I see in your stars, Godber,

that this may be an exhausting and turbulent month for you.

You're moving out of kitchens onto dustbins! Seeking solace in the stars now?

Hello, Mr Mackay, didn't see you creeping about there. Excuse us, would you?

"As Uranus is one of the most powerful...

"..and the most unpredictable of the planets,

"future events may be likewise unpredictable."

I'd have thought all your futures were somewhat predictable!

If your stars were true, they'd say, "No change for the next four years.

"No opportunity for travel and absolutely no prospect of romance on the horizon!"

It's only a question of scale, Mr Mackay, only scale.

Deprived of romance, a brush with the governor's secretary

is like a naughty weekend in Boulogne with a teenage nymphomaniac!

When's your birthday, Mr Mackay? April - 25th.

Oh, yeah? Taurus. Not the subtlest of signs. The Bull.

This is yours. Listen. "Endeavours you have been hoping for come to fruition."

Look at this. "A favourable time for a move and seeking opportunities elsewhere."

Poppycock! They're rarely wrong. You must be moving on, Mr Mackay!

Holiday? Not till August.

Your retirement's not due just yet.

It's in the stars. A move is clearly indicated.

Out of the question! Want to bet?

You mean you would wager on this nonsense?

When it's this clear I would. You shouldn't deride the paranormal and psychic.

You take my Uncle Godfrey. He walked under a ladder once - purposely.

He laughed about it!

Do you know, over the next 43 years, he lost all his teeth.

You would lose your shirt betting on this zodiac nonsense!

It's not nonsense. I bet that you'll soon leave familiar surroundings. Outside, Fletcher!

What have I said now?

Step outside!

Go on!

You dare to bet with a prison officer in front of Godber?

I didn't realise... What are you trying to do? Disillusion the boy?

Sorry, Mr Mackay. How much? A quid? Right.

Watch out for the young ladies!

POLITE LAUGHTER Very good, sir!

LOUD CHEERS FROM THE PRISON

CHEERING STOPS

Did he pay up, Fletch? Yes, with all the ill grace that you'd associate with that charmless Celtic nurk.

Give us the paper. When I'm ready.

Are there some nice birds in it?

I'm reading the editorial, ain't I?

All you lot want is horses and nudes!

I'm curious about the world outside.

I like to keep abreast. Yeah, he's got breasts all over our cell wall!

I'm not a breast man myself.

Beg your pardon, Mr Williams?

My initial interest is always awakened...

by the leg.

The leg? Just one of 'em?

I hear you're a ladies' man. I've had my moments.

I have a large sexual appetite.

I'm probably compensating for my years of deprivation in the Bridgend Choir School -

consequentially, I suffer more than most in prison.

From what I've read, you're better off in here.

Britain faces economic ruin. It's teetering on the brink of an abyss.

There'll be no-one worth robbing!

When we get out, we'll reap the benefits of North Sea oil.

We'll tell the Arabs to stuff it.

Scottish oil, don't forget that. Scottish oil!

Listen to the Scottish Nationalist!

Would you believe it? A dusky Rob Roy!

What's your tartan? Black Watch?

Naff off. All right, Scottish oil. But the English expertise will bring it out! Texan.

I don't know why I get into these pointless arguments with you nurks!

I'm just trying to say that we're better off in here. I've known worse stir.

Me and all. And with Mackay away we can work a few fiddles! Happy days are here!

That's true. Mr Barrowclough don't exactly rule with a rod of iron.

We could start a bit of a flutter. We could start the frog racing!

We could get 'em from the farm.

I'll tell you something about frogs which is a fact.

The frog, like me, has an enormous sexual appetite.

And when the frog and his mate mate...

..he's at it for 28 days non-stop.

28 days? Non-stop!

No wonder his eyes bulge out!

My God!

Happy days? I think they're over! GODBER: What?

Remember I told you about a screw in Brixton? Napper Wainwright. Right BLEEP. He just came in.

He looks a right one! Is he replacing Mackay?

I think so, yeah. He's a legend in the prison service!

He's been promoted - he has stripes. Maybe success has mellowed him.

Address me as Mr Wainwright or sir. Now button your lip!

It has!

He's coming over!

Well, well, well!

Norman Stanley Fletcher!

On your feet!

I knew our paths would cross again,

The day you left Brixton, I said, "This isn't goodbye but au revoir."

Yes, sir, and I said, "Why don't you...?"

I gave you certain advice regarding the Warders' Comfort Fund Offertory Box.

I haven't forgotten what you said!

Did you manage it?

It doesn't pay to try and come it with me, Fletcher!

You remember me!

I've got this mean streak, see. It's despicable, but I'm prejudiced.

- That'll make a nice change (!) - I'm not just prejudiced against your lot.

I'm prejudiced against liberals, longhairs, winos...

Are you in there? Isn't everyone?

I was talking to the boy. Are you in there?

I don't think so - I'm Church of England.

We've only just met and I've already a grudge to bear.

I see you've met Mr Wainwright.

Some of us had the dubious pleasure

This one passed through Brixton on two memorable occasions.

It's nice to bump into old faces, old... Adversaries.

No, that's not the word, Fletcher.

I keep telling these men that we're here to help them.

To encourage them

in a programme of self-improvement and rehabilitation.

It is our role to prepare them for returning to society.

We're here to keep them away from society!

Our role is to keep these scheming Bastards LOCKED IN!

I expect he's tired after that long journey!

You spoke too soon, Fletch.

# Happy days are here again...

# The skies above are clear again... #

WAINWRIGHT: QUIET!

Mr Wainwright!

Look what you've done!

We'll have to do it all again now.

Oooh!

What a swine, stepping on your hand.

Be fair. It was an accident. His boot slipped!

He was aiming for my head!

What shall we do, Fletch? Warren and McClaren are good at sabotage.

Your stars didn't predict this. It's just cobblers.

Do you mind if I come in? Wipe your feet.

You look a bit bushed, Mr Barrowclough.

I am, I am.

It's that Mr Wainwright. He's gone through this prison like a dose of salts.

He has reorganised the duty roster.

Tough titty! Do you know what we've suffered? Shorter TV hours, no fraternisation in the yard,

and OUR ping-pong table is in YOUR mess.

That's only until our billiard table is recovered, which is your fault. Our fault?

Prisoners tampered with it. Can you prove that?

We can surmise it. When Nosher Garrett went over the wall he was caught wearing a green baize suit.

I won't be dragged into a pointless argument.

I just popped in to say cheerio, because you won't be seeing much of me in the future.

He's put me down for a transfer to the farm.

What?

He says I should be in charge of trustees.

I'm not suited to infractious and recalcitrant prisoners like yourself.

No offence. Those are his words, not mine.

We've got to prevent this.

Your humanity is taken by those other nurks to be mollycoddling.

I only try to help... I know that and you know that, but you'll have to change your ways.

Or you'll spend the rest of your life knee-deep in dung, in charge of udder pullers.

Change my ways? Don't let the lads take advantage. Wield a big stick.

Put on a bit of a show. Mean, moody, magnificent.

Oh...I don't know.

Hey, you! I'm talking to you.

- Me? - Yes, you, Fanny Craddock.

- There's a caterpillar on my plate. - A caterpillar don't eat much!

It's only a make-believe riot. It has to look authentic.

You're strangling me. Nothing personal.

The food's not fit for swine. We've had enough!

Yeah! We want a riot!

ALARM RINGS AND SIREN WAILS

ALL CHANT: We want a riot! We want a riot! We want a riot!

YOU...WILL...BE...QUIET!

SILENCE

Oh! Oh, thank you, Mrs Heskith.

You're only supposed to take two before retiring. At this rate, that may be tomorrow!

Oops! Sorry.

What do you want?

More new books. At a time like this! I wasn't to know that you...er

I'm referring to the riot!

The riot. Yes, sir. A nasty situation.

There's a systematic and wilful destruction of crockery. They're up to their knees in plates.

Like a Greek restaurant at New Year.

Don't be flippant, Fletcher.

And Mr Wainwright just seems to make matters worse.

If truth were told, Mr Wainwright has aggravated the situation.

Just between me, you, Mrs Heskith and the bed post. Yes, I'll just go and get this typed up.

I suppose I'd better go down there myself.

There's only one man who could quell that riot,

who could confront that mob and defuse that powder keg of emotions.

Who? Who?

Me? What do you mean, me?

Load... Aim... Fire!

Ahem... Now, why don't we all put those things down?

Yes... And this mess will have to be cleaned up.

Not yet!

Why don't we file back, in the meantime...

..in a nice, orderly way to our cells.

Mean...moody...magnificent.

Well done!

Well done!

SHOUTS OF CONGRATULATION

Welcome home, lads. Welcome home.

Worth a week's solitary? What have you been doing? Worrying about you.

Yeah (!) He got Barrowclough back!

And Wainwright is back in Brixton!

It was loss of face. He had to leave.

Happy days are here again! Normal service is resumed.

LAUGHTER

And then when he...

Oh! What a nice surprise, Mr Mackay. Isn't it, Lenny?

I thought it might be, Fletcher.

I think some of you assumed that I had left you for good, but nothing

But I am somewhat disturbed to hear what's been happening in my absence.

So now we're going to have a new regime here,

based not on leniency and laxity,

but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience!

Feet will not touch the ground, and lives will be made a misery!

I am back!

And I am in charge here!

FLETCHER AND GODBER SING: # For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow... #

OTHER PRISONERS: # And so say all of us

# And so say all of us And so say all of us

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow...

# And so say all of us! #

Subtitles by Caroline Neale and Sue Walker - 1992