Original subtitles

Well, isn't this splendid and absolutely tufty?

New Year's Eve, 1999. A new century and a new millennium.

Let's drink a great big slurpy toast

to peace and understanding around the globe.

- Bravo! - Cheers!

After all, if history teaches us anything,

it is that, in the words of St Burt,

"What the world needs now is love, sweet love."

- Hear, hear. - What total codswallop.

If history has taught us anything, it is that the story of man

is one long round of death and torture.

And burning people as witches just because they've got a wart.

I'm sorry about the food, by the way.

Unfortunately, my cook got invited to an orgy at Delia Smith's house.

And so our chef for this evening is the man who cleans out the septic tank.

Baldrick!

- My lord. - God save us.

I trust you're all enjoying your food?

No, we're not, actually, Baldrick. What is this we're eating?

It tastes as if someone with a bad chest cold

has taken two spoonfuls of Benylin to loosen the phlegm

and then coughed all over an avocado.

Well, funny you should say that, sir, because...

Yes, all right, Baldrick, yes. Thank you. You may go now.

I believe you've got some other duties to attend to.

Oh, yes. Excuse me, please, everybody.

Now, where were we?

We were bally well toasting the future.

Yes, and I suppose it might also be a perfect time to look to the past.

How on earth can one look at the past?

You can't see something that's already happened.

- Unless you're on the lavatory. - Good point, Bishop.

Yes, or unless one's got a time machine.

How likely is that?

Well, very likely, actually, Darling. Because I've just built one.

Stuff and stonsence! I've heard some rubbish in my time,

every time I open my mouth, as a matter of fact,

but a time machine?

It-it-it's j-j-just cobblers.

I can assure you, it is not.

This is an original sketchbook by Leonardo da Vinci.

And in the last year, I myself have built a time machine

to his exact specifications.

Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest breakthrough in travel

since Mr. Rodney Tricycle thought to himself,

"I'm bored with walking."

"I think I'll invent a machine with three wheels and a bell

and name it after myself."

Behold the time machine.

Well, glaze my nipples and call me Rita.

It can't be real, Blackadder, it's a practical joke, surely.

Certainly not. When was the last time I played a practical joke?

Well, there was the time you said you were dying of kidney failure.

And I donated one of my kidneys to save your life,

and then you said it was an April fool and we had to throw my kidney away.

Well, yes, there has been the odd hilarious practical joke.

But not this time. This is a working time machine.

And to prove it, I suggest a wager.

Oh.

I will bet you each £10,000 that I can travel through time

and bring back any items of historical interest

which you choose to nominate.

- Darling? - Well, yes, all right.

Yes, if you can travel through time, I'll... I'll pay up.

So long as you bring back with you a genuine Roman centurion's helmet.

Very well, a Roman centurion's helmet.

No, no, no, it's much too easy.

What about the actual Wellingtons

actually worn by Wellington on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo?

Lady Elizabeth would like the actual Wellingtons

worn by the Duke of Wellington

on the day he won the Battle of Waterloo.

- Anyone else? - Oh, yes.

Ah, yes, I've got one. I want you to get...

I'd like to see you get your hands on these.

...an ancient, reeking, stinking pair of 200-year-old underpants.

18th-century botty-huggers, that's the ticket.

Very well, I shall be on my way.

This will, of course, take no time at all, in your time.

I shall merely step in, there will be a momentary shuddering,

then I will emerge triumphant.

Farewell, dear friends.

Well done, Balders, this is very impressive.

I'm sorry that I didn't have time to build it myself.

Don't worry, my lord,

I've followed Mr. da Vinci's instructions to the letter.

- Even though you can't actually read? - That's right, my lord.

But I have done a lot of Airfix models in my time.

Right. So we've got a centurion's helmet. Very good.

And the boots. Excellent.

The underpants. Where are the underpants?

Oh! Here you are, my lord.

They're my very best pair, and coincidentally, also my very worst.

So they are, in fact, your only pair of underpants.

That's right, my lord.

Just stick them in the bag. Oh, God!

Phwoar! Strewth!

Right. Let's just get all this stuff going, shall we?

Right, my lord. Ah, yes.

Right, right. Just shake it about a bit.

Make it look real. The best New Year's Eve prank ever.

Yes.

You hide there. £30,000, here I come.

Right. Interesting.

- What's happening, my lord? - Well...

For God's sake, do something, Baldrick.

Something useful. Come on, get something.

Just throw... Shoo! Go on! Go away!

Sod off!

One more thing. The underpants. Try the underpants.

Just there.

Oh! Bloody brontosaurus!

- Him, not me! - What?

Sniff my skids!

Fascinating.

One of history's great mysteries solved.

The dinosaurs were, in fact, wiped out by your pants.

Well, Balders, this is a turn-up for the books.

You have built a working time machine,

and are, therefore, rather surprisingly, the greatest genius who has ever lived.

Thank you very much, my lord.

- Right. Let's get out of here, shall we? - No problem, my lord.

Can you set the date so we can get home?

Yes. I just turn that there, pull that there, reset that there,

pull this lever like that and the date should come up.

But unfortunately, it doesn't,

'cause I was gonna write the numbers on in felt-tip pen

- but I never got round to it. - Right.

So the date we're heading for is two watermelons and a bunch of cherries.

That's right, my lord.

In other words, we can't get home.

Not as such.

Excellent.

Rather a spectacular return to form after the genius moment, Baldrick.

Still, I think someone with common sense ought to be able to resolve this.

All we've got to do is put these controls back to where they were

when we first set off.

I think that was about there.

And these were here and here.

There. And that should get us home.

Excellent. You threw away our winning items, Baldrick,

but at least we're home.

Typical. They must have got bored and gone back for pudding. Oh, dear.

Right. Now, you're not going to believe...

Ah! Lord Blackadder.

Uh...

Elizabeth I?

You're wearing very weird clothes.

And you're looking rather old and ugly, actually.

- Is that right? - Of course it's right. I'm always right.

Of course it's right.

- Melchy? - Ma'am.

Edmund is being very cheeky.

Shall I laugh at him or chop his ugly head off?

Well, one hates to be harsh, ma'am, but I do think

a bit of choppy-choppy is the only apt reaction.

Very well.

Kill him!

Unless, of course, Eddie, you've got a present for me?

- Oh. A present? - Mmm.

Uh, yes, certainly, Your Majesty.

A present. Erm...

- Quickly. Getting bored now. - Ah, yes. Now...

- Now, these may not look much. - They don't.

No, but, erm, well...

Well, let's say... Let's say... Let's say that there was a place

where you could buy absolutely everything.

We already have those, Blackadder, and they're called markets.

Right. Right. Well, imagine that, but times 10.

As it were, a supermarket.

Now, if you gave someone at one of these supermarkets this,

he would give you some bonus points.

Which would mean that once a month you could buy a tin of baked beans

at half the normal price.

Kill him.

No. No! There must be... Oh!

Oh! What are they?

Oh, they're just sort of sweets.

Minty things.

- I want one. - Yes, Your Majesty.

Oh, it's got a hole in it.

- No, they're meant to be like that. - Oh.

That's how they're made.

Oh! Blacky, you are so naughty.

It's the tastiest thing in the history of the world.

Try one, Melchy. What do you think?

Yes, indeed, ma'am. They're most pleasant.

This is incredible, 'cause, do you know, Smelchy,

the way you usually smell so bad,

it's like you've eaten a whole stoat for your breakfast?

Well, I am aware I have a less than orthodox mouthal odour, ma'am, yes.

Yes, well, you don't smell like that any more.

You smell absolutely yummy now, and not at all like a turd.

Oh, what a pity.

Well done, Blacky. Here, take this.

You sexy flirt.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, go forth and bring back lots more minty things

in the next five minutes,

or I'll come after you and crush your skull like an egg.

Certainly, Your Majesty. I'll be right back.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry. I am sorry.

- Wait a minute. You're not... - Will Shakespeare, yes.

No, don't say it, I know. You hated Two Gentlemen of Verona.

This one's much better.

Well, bugger my giddy aunt!

You couldn't just sign something for me, could you?

Well, certainly.

Sorry, it's just a biro.

- Thank you. Oh, and just one more thing. - Yes.

That is for every schoolboy and schoolgirl for the next 400 years.

Have you any idea how much suffering you are going to cause?

Hours spent at school desks

trying to find one joke in A Midsummer Night's Dream?

Years wearing stupid tights in school plays

and saying things like, "What ho, my lord?"

And, "Oh, look, here comes Othello, talking total crap as usual."

- Oh, and... - Ow!

That is for Ken Branagh's endless uncut four-hour version of Hamlet.

Who's Ken Branagh?

I'll tell him you said that. And I think he'll be very hurt.

- Right. Let's get out of here, Balders. - Certainly, my lord.

By the way, if we're lucky enough to get out of this alive...

- Yes, my lord? - ...remind me to kill you, will you?

All right, my lord.

Now, it was down here when we were at the dinosaurs.

It's in the middle now. So why don't we try it here?

That should do the trick.

Yes, I suspect that's a little too far forward.

Back, back, back!

Oh, God, where are we now?

Oh, dear. You think it's safe?

I don't know.

Does this look like a dangerous place to you, Baldrick? This empty wood?

Well, well, what have we here, my tough band of freedom fighters

who have good muscle tone and aren't gay?

Oh, God.

Look, lads, we've captured Lord Blackadder.

Wait a minute. Are you Robin Hood?

Am I Robin Hood?

Is Will Scarlet a poof in tights?

Is Friar Tuck a fat tub of lard with a ridiculous haircut?

Is Maid Marian a hot little honey with thighs like two halves of a nutcracker?

- Yes, I am. - Woof!

Woof!

- Woof! - Woof!

Oh, yes, it's nice to meet you at last.

Because there's one question I've always wanted to ask you.

Fire away. One final question before I impale you with my magnificent weapon.

And I'm not talking about my enormous...

Yes, yes, yes, I know you're not.

- Oh right, sorry. - What puzzles me is this.

- You rob from the rich... - Yes!

- That's right, yeah. - And then,

when you rob the rich, you give it all to the poor.

- Yes! - I love giving it to the poor.

- Woof! - Woof!

Now, that's the bit I don't understand.

You men risk your lives in combat.

Yes!

You risk certain death if you're caught.

Yes.

You live here in this forest in total squalor.

I mean, I'd hate to think what the toilet facilities are like round here.

Not very nice, actually.

And yet you still give every single penny

to these so-called poor,

who just sit on their backsides all day?

- All right, shut up, now. - Laughing at you, saying,

"Oh, no need to go to work today.

"Robin Hood and his merry men will be along in a minute

- "with a big pile of cash." - I said shut up!

I'm surprised they don't call you

Robin Hood and his bunch of complete lunatics.

Right! That is it. Shoot him, boys! I'm great and he's not.

Robin Hood and his band of merry morons.

Ready! Aim!

Fire!

Can I say that I think you've made the right decision?

So do I, gorgeous.

Ding dong!

Well, Maid Marian was pretty friendly.

So was Will Scarlet. Really nice guy.

So, the sooner we get home, the better.

We've started to affect history and that's dangerous.

We've already wiped out the dinosaurs and killed Robin Hood.

God only knows what's going to happen next time.

My Lord Emperor, I, the Duc de Darling, bring news.

The English have reached Waterloo.

- Good. Prepare to attack. - Very well.

But first, I would like to ask,

why do we want to invade Britain in the first place?

I mean, their wine is made of the pee-pee of cows

and their women all have big beards.

We invade, Darling, because the British think they're so tough.

They think we French are sissies.

They call us weeds and woopsies and big girls' blouses.

With respect, my emperor, we are woopsies.

We invented the tapestry, the soufflé and the sweet liqueur.

We will be slaughtered the minute we mince up the hill.

Do not despair.

It is my firm belief that God hates the British.

He will intervene miraculously and send us a glorious victory

on this field of Waterloo.

Oh, bravo!

- A lovely uniform today, by the way. - Oh, thank you. I think it works.

- Ooh! - Ahh!

Your Grace, the French are approaching.

Excellent. I have a superb plan which cannot fail

but result in the complete destruction of the French army.

Oh, splendid. Well, tell me at once, Your Grace,

and I'll spread the news to the troops.

Very well, the plan is... God, I'm brilliant.

You know, I surprise myself sometimes, I really do.

- Yeah. - The plan is

to allow the French to come within 100 yards of us and then,

and this is the completely original and brilliant part...

- Yes? - Then...

Your Grace!

- The Duke of Wellington is dead. - Whoops!

Alas! Alas! Without the plan, the day is lost.

Pardon me.

Thanks very much.

May as well try and win that cash anyway.

Why don't we try pressing this button?

Well, fingers crossed.

- What can you see, Balders? - People in very short skirts, my lord.

Ah, excellent, the 1960s. At last we're getting close.

I might stay a while, actually, for a bit of hippie free love.

Not that free love would make a lot of difference to you, would it, Balders?

I mean, what would a sheep do with money?

Not girls in skirts, my lord, men.

Ah! Spandau Ballet, 1983.

I think not, my lord.

What?

Romans! We're still centuries out. Come on, let's go.

Although I might just steal myself a Roman helmet while we're here.

That's interesting.

The machine seems to be seeking out our DNA across time.

- Just brilliant. - What, O centurion?

We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs

with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards,

or to put it another way, the Scots,

and how does our inspired leader Hadrian intend to keep out

this vast army of lunatics?

By building a three-foot-high wall.

A terrifying obstacle.

About as frightening as a little rabbit with the word "boo"

- painted on its nose. - Ooh!

Oh, come now, centurion, I won't have that.

This wall is a terrific defence mechanism.

Why, surely you're not suggesting that a rabble of Scots

could get the better of Roman soldiers?

- Welcome, General. - Splendid.

Ah, good to see you practising your English, Georgius.

- Did you hear that, Balders? - I certainly did, O centurion.

Back to Rome at last.

Say, this is interesting.

There appears to be a large orange hedge moving towards us.

That's not a hedge, Consul. That's the Scots.

Ah.

- Should we run, my lord? - Yes.

Perhaps we could negotiate.

Last one there gets hacked to pieces by Rod Stewart's great-great-grandfather.

- Let's get home, Baldrick. - But we don't know where home is.

We're doomed to float through time for all time!

Oh, woe is me!

Shut up, Baldrick, shut up. There is one final thing to push

which may be our salvation.

Or not.

- Because it is, in fact, a lollipop. - Raspberry-flavoured, my lord.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in a small wooden room with two toilets

and the stupidest man in the world.

Right, my lord. Do not despair,

for I have a cunning plan.

Can I say I'm not optimistic, Baldrick?

To be quite frank, my lord, neither am I.

My family have never been very good at plans.

So, with suitably low expectations,

what is your cunning plan to get us home?

Well, my lord, you know how when people drown,

their whole life flashes in front of them?

Yes?

Well, if you stuck your head in a bucket of water

and didn't bring it out again,

then your whole life would flash in front of you,

and you'd see where all the knobs and levers were when we first set off.

And then, if you pulled your head out again

just before you died, you could guide us home.

- Baldrick... - My lord?

Good plan.

With perhaps just one tiny modification.

Hmm?

Ooh!

- How's it going? - I'm 18 years old.

- I've just left nursery school. - Okey-dokey.

I'm 25, I'm back at nursery school.

- Got it! - Very good.

I wish... I wish I'd flushed the loo first.

Oh, yeah.

As we approach the end, my lord,

what do you think we've learnt on our great journey?

Good question, Baldrick.

I suppose I've learnt that I must buy you a much stronger mouthwash

for Christmas this year. How about you?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose I've learnt that human beings have always been the same.

Some nice, some nasty. Some clever, some stupid.

There's always a Blackadder and there's always a Baldrick.

Yes, very profound, Baldrick.

- Also, it occurs to me... - Oh, God, there's not more, is there?

...if you're in the right place at the right time,

then every person has the power to go out

and change the world for the better.

God, you really are as thick as clotted cream

that's been left out by some clot

until the clots are so clotted up you couldn't unclot them

with an electric declotter. Aren't you, Baldrick?

Real change comes from huge socio-economic things

that individuals have no effect on.

Unless you're King or Prime Minister or something.

Well, yes, I suppose they can make a difference.

But for the rest of us, all we can do in life

is to try to make a bit of cash.

Which is what I intend to do right now.

Hang on.

Did you see...

Good Lord, Blackadder, what happened there?

Yes, everything went sort of squiggly.

I have, in fact, returned from the past.

Oh, please! Surely you don't expect us to believe that, Blackadder?

Clearly, that was all some sort of cheap conjuring trick.

On the contrary, Darling.

Well, bravo, with big brass bells on.

And as a little bonus, the crown of Queen Elizabeth I of England.

Oh, fun!

- It fits! - Well done, Blackadder.

But tell me, all this stuff about changing history with time travel,

you must have had to be damnsome careful.

Oh, I was. Very careful.

So, Blackadder, tell us, did you hang out

- with any, you know, big-time celebs? - Well, yes, actually.

For example, this belonged to none other than Robin Hood.

- Who? - Robin Hood.

Never heard of him. You'll have to do better than that, Blackadder.

Right. So you've never heard of Robin Hood?

No.

Well, this is the title page for Macbeth signed by Shakespeare himself.

Oh, no, no, no, no, come on, you've heard of Shakespeare.

He is the fellow who invented the ballpoint pen.

Well, I might have had an effect on one or two things.

But nothing important.

Well, never mind, Blackadder. You've certainly won your bet.

So, here's your 10,000 francs, and jolly well deserved, too.

What do you mean, francs?

What do you mean, "What do I mean, francs?"

Well, surely you mean £10,000.

Pounds? We haven't used those for 200 years.

Not since the Emperor Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo.

Which reminds me, it's time for us to get to the television.

Monsieur le Président will be broadcasting

from Versailles at any moment. Are you coming?

Uh, no, I might just go on one final little trip.

Oh, no, don't go. You haven't had a bite of the delicious garlic pudding.

After which I'm going to do un petit peu de ballet.

Right, that's it.

Come on, Balders, we've got to save Britain.

I thought I'd just drop in to wish you good luck with the battle.

You can't lose. Hello, Darling.

There's one question I've always wanted to ask you.

- Yes? - How come you're so great?

Because I'm me.

- I'm a very big fan, Bill. - Thank you.

Keep up the good work. "King Lear." Very funny.

Good Lord, Blackadder! What happened there?

Oh, bravo!

And here, a front page of Macbeth signed by Shakespeare himself.

Oh, my God!

That's better.

Well done, Blackadder.

But what about all this stuff about changing history through time travel?

You must have had to be damnsome careful.

Oh, I was. Very, very careful.

Hmm. Intriguing thought, actually, isn't it?

You know, the smallest thing can change history.

Imagine if Wellington had died before the Battle of Waterloo,

we'd all be French.

Or if someone hadn't invented deodorant, we'd all be smelly.

The tiniest thing can affect the course of human history.

Think what turmoil an unscrupulous person could wreak.

Yes.

Could you excuse me for just five seconds?

Yeah, absolutely.

Why don't you just go upstairs and watch television?

I'll be back very, very soon.

Ah, splendid. But do hurry, Blackadder.

I don't want to miss the big shindig at midnight.

Don't worry. I'll be back.

Baldrick, I have a very, very, very cunning plan.

Is it as cunning as a fox

what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University,

but has moved on and is now working for the UN

at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning?

- Yes, it is. - Hmm.

That's cunning.

Right. Here goes.

And now, excitement is reaching fever pitch

as the final guests of honour arrive at the Dome.

Many of the crowds have been here for up to 36 hours waiting for this moment,

but I'm sure they won't be disappointed,

as the great car sweeps into view.

Because here, at last, is the King himself.

King Edmund III. Universally loved.

98% approval rating across the country.

With him, his gorgeous new bride, Queen Marian of Sherwood,

the nation's most famous beauty, beloved by all.

And here to greet them is the Prime Minister.

Unmarried, of course, but now entering his fifth term of office.

The relationship between the King and his first minister

particularly close nowadays,

since the dissolution of Parliament two years ago.

And what a great partnership these two have become,

leading Britain magnificently

into a prosperous and triumphant new millennium.