Original subtitles

Taking it off out west,

any excuse to undress.

Doing what they do best, just wearing it all

for the guests.

A can can bump and a grind.

Lodi these stairs will find.

They'll drive you right out of your mind just taking it

off out west.

Well, you know, out here, there ain't no women, so a

man gets mighty low.

You get dressed up with money in your pockets, but

you've got no place to

go.

And then one day, these beautiful ladies came

riding into town where there was street and soft.

And when they took it off our world turned upside

down because now they're taking it off our way.

Visions of loveliness

in

Jesus, channabe.

Get back in here.

I think in there,

you were taking off your clothes and all the men were going wild.

Then you came up to me and said, miss Blue,

you reckon I could be a stripper?

Enthusiast.

Oh, enthusiast is just a fancy word for stripper, Sal.

Virgil had to come up with that hundred dollar name before the

government would send us out here.

I swear.

But old queen can't snatch a few seconds sleeping out of

some twitty pot tumbling into trouble.

That was my best camisole, mister Nellie.

I bought that just before we left Saint Louis.

I've told you and told you, honey.

No camisole washing in the drinking water.

And after spending what seems to be several lifetimes in this

torture chamber on wheels,

Couldn't you bring yourself to call me Virgil?

Virginia, perhaps.

Virgil.

Suppose that would be stretching

Anyway, not to worry.

See, the handsome young marshal is saving your delicate,

unmentionable, isn't it?

Yes.

Clustered whole girls.

Hurry up.

Woah.

Is that what I think it is?

Oh, that's the ghost town the government owns.

Our last stop before the mining camp, Pelvis Gulch.

I haven't got water.

If I feel positively grimy.

I can ride low on water.

Simple. Genevieve keeps washing her undies out in the wagon.

Idiot.

Oh, look at that. Water. I wanna get in right now.

Graduated for the marshall? We're almost spilling.

I'm getting wet now.

Oh, mister Nellie, Virgil,

isn't Marshall quite the most handsomest thing you ever seen?

Well, there was that gambler in the Big Easy.

What a full house he

had.

Why, thank you, marshall

How clumsy of me to love my my, well,

you know Yep

Guess what, Marshall?

Water?

Water?

Don't you cute my laundry?

Here.

Water out of water. Thank god.

I can wash my undies as much as I want to.

Water out of water.

Water.

Sorry, Marshall. I forgot.

You get embarrassed with the sight of exposed flesh.

Yep.

And why are you escorting a wagonload of strippers, excuse

me, enthusiasts in the mining camps?

Because it's my job?

Yep.

Oh, Jimmy.

I want you to hear this new music that I picked up just

before we left civilization.

I haven't even heard it myself,

but I think it's going to be all the rage.

Look at that

Crap. Pure crap.

Now this is the music.

Yep. They're fixing to spend the night.

What do you see, Pepe? What do you see?

I just told you, Pink.

I said they's fixing to spend the night.

How do you know, Pepe?

What do you see? Can I see?

No, you can't see. Just take my word on it, okay?

You know, them stopping for spells just might work out if they see who

I think they is.

And what I see just now makes me sure they really is exactly

who we think they is.

They better be who we think they is, Pappy.

We've been following them long enough for them to be who we think they is.

Who do we think they is, Pappy?

Never mind, Pappy. Never mind.

About time for your brother Purple to be showing up.

I told him sundown the latest.

Well, so long way up to the mining camp, Pappy,

especially without a horse.

I wish you didn't sell the horses, Pappy.

Will you stop complaining? Uh-huh.

And you know damn well I had to trade off them horses.

I had to trade them for this here wishing stone for our future.

Hell's fire, boy.

Horse can only take you one spot to the next.

Now wishing stone, a wishing stone can take you as far as

your wildest dreams.

Well, now my wildest dream is to have a horse so I can get from one

place to another without my feet hurting, pappy.

You stop complaining.

You're a putz boy.

A good putz don't ever complain.

Why can't you be more like your brother, Purple?

Now he rode all the way up that mining camp.

He wasn't complaining.

I got this feeling like there's somebody watching us,

and it's not the same feeling I get when I take off my clothes.

Oh, it's creepy.

Oh my

god.

You got my throat dirty. I'm sorry? You, you slut.

Girl. Girl. No. Why?

I'll show you sorry, you old sal.

Hey. We're home. We're home. Patty, pappy. They're painting?

Them beans do smell good. They is.

What'd you find out up there, purple?

Tell y'all about pappy as soon as I feed old paint.

Oh, he ain't got

it.

So what that fella down at Skunk Crossing's told me is true, is it?

That's right, Patrick. It's a government project.

Mine up there named Marshmallow Malone's the one been dealing with them.

From what I hear tell,

the miners is paying top dollar for their next dizzy asses,

five hundred dollars a day.

Five hundred dollars?

Oh, I told you this here wishing stone was gonna make us rich.

Purple, did you find out what the next dizziness is?

Hell, yes.

The Now now now now, Purple,

there ain't no reason to burden your brother's tiny little

brain with too many details.

No.

What we're gonna think on now is getting rich.

Rich.

I don't get it, Pappy.

How we gonna get rich just because the government decides

to send down a bunch of girls to take off their clothes for a bunch?

Damn you, girl. Damn you. Damn you. Damn you.

Now you know your brother's condition.

You know he gets up stuff anytime he even thinks about a

girl taking off her clothes.

Damn you. Now come on. Give me a hand.

Pink.

Pink, it's alright. It's okay, Pink.

Your brother was just funny.

You was just funny me? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

Well, you ain't fun. It ain't fun.

Hush up. Quit flipping around your scare off old paint.

Now, boys. There ain't no paint.

Happy trading them off. Faze till you take that back. Boys.

Don't take nothing back. None of us have any horse.

Happy trading them off. Did not.

This. This. This. This. And I, Pappy. Pappy.

Don't tell me you're sorry. Now you tell each other.

Now you go on. You shake hands and you say you're sorry.

Sorry, Purple. Sorry, Pink.

It's gotta be your mama's fault.

Your brains was born in your butts. It's just gotta be.

Debbie, why'd your name miss Pink and Purple?

I told you a hundred times, Pink. I had no choice.

Already had a dog named Blue at the time.

Boys, we gotta talk business. What kind of business, Pappy?

The business of getting rich,

business of letting this here Wishingstone do its work.

When I get rich, Pappy,

can I buy You can buy anything you want, baby?

I mean, I'm gonna get rich, Pappy.

I swear, Purple of Brains was bullshit.

You couldn't fertilize a blade of grass.

We gonna take over the ex dizzyasses.

You mean the strip?

I mean the ex dizzyasses, purple.

Well, but but they belong to the government.

Well, they do right now.

But we take them over, they gonna belong to us.

That's stealing, Pappy. I told you and I told you.

It ain't stealing when you take from the government.

It's,

exercising your right as a United States citizen.

They got a US marshal guarding them, Clyde Earp,

one of the Earp brothers.

That's what I hear tell up at the mining camp.

You just said it, purple one. There's one of him.

There's three us.

And what we're gonna do, we're gonna wait till they sleeping.

We're gonna go up that ghost town,

and we're gonna take out the marshal.

And then what, Tati?

Then we're gonna take them ex dizzy asses up the mining camp.

We're gonna collect that five hundred dollars for our own selves.

Hell, gum woman ain't got no business messing in free enterprise nohow.

Pappy, now tell me, what's the new busiest?

Don't matter what they is.

The important thing is they're gonna be ours.

We're gonna be rich. Rich.

Happy.

That looks like Just think on him as merchandise, son.

You charge in and take over now, Pappy?

Not yet, purple.

We gotta wait till the marshal's bedded down.

He ain't here yet.

Must be in the barn feeding his horse.

Virgil.

Well, I hope he's big and broad shouldered. And clean.

Good night, girls.

Yep.

Marshall's bedding down, Patty.

Maybe if we're lucky, the marshal will have a change of

Yeah.

And maybe a frog will jump out of the trough and turn into a

prince with a big Yeah.

Now, Pappy?

Not yet, purple.

Get your gun ready, Pinky.

What, Pappy? So we can shoot the marshal.

Why are we gonna shoot the marshal?

So we can get rich.

I'm gonna buy a horse when I get rich.

I'm gonna buy a hat. Already got a horse.

Wake up and die, Marshall. Nothing personal.

Oh, merciful heavens, we've been beset by bandits.

Anything you wanna say before I say you need to meet your

maker, Marshall?

Nope.

My god. Somebody do something.

Not peasy, Bart. Not peasy.

Nobody move.

Nobody move.

Throw away, Marshall.

Follow me, darling.

Here. Yep.

Down.

Yep.

Oh,

well,

nice meeting y'all.

Thanks. Did you see it?

Yeah. Yeah. I see it. I see it.

You gotta get over this shit, son.

Your condition's keeping us from getting rich.

Why don't you try playing with yourself or something?

Did you hear any of them, Marshall?

Nope.

Do you think he'll be back? Yep.

Have you ever been accused of talking too much? Nope.

I got the guns, Patrick. Purple.

Did you see that?

You took your time of getting here, Purple.

Good. Platts is always on time. Hope you know that.

Who in the hell were those guys?

I don't know, but the one who grabbed me had muscles as steel.

The one jumping around was real cute.

Maybe with the dots on it.

Girls. Girls. Girls. Now this is no time for window shopping.

There's real danger here.

I have guns in the wagon. Should I arm everyone?

Yep.

May we all think of another way of getting rich?

You mean give up? You're a putz boy. You act like one.

The putz don't never give up.

It's just gonna take a little longer than I figured.

Well, we ain't got time, Pap.

They're gonna be pulling out in the morning.

Then I'll just have to think on a way to keep them from moving out so fast.

Now won't I?

Do you know who they are, Marshall? Yep.

The Putz gang. Pappy, pink and purple.

I wonder which putz is pink and which putz is purple.

Maybe a little soap and water.

Why would anyone name their kids pink and purple?

Well, it says here Pappy had no choice.

He had a dog named Blue at the time.

Please.

Hurry.

Your brother ain't smart enough to pretend these three people

out there shooting in the dark forever.

Okay, son. Let it down easy.

Sounds like we hit one hole. Yep.

Oh, that?

And there's a detestable

pups, I hope you didn't hit anything important.

Well, at least they stopped shooting. Yep.

Well, girls, you have to get some sleep.

Now we simply must get out of here tomorrow.

We can't do a show immediately upon arriving in that mining camp.

We have to rehearse and you haven't even tried on the

outfits we got from Europe.

Oh, so much to do with so little time.

Marshall, would you like me to take the first watch? Nope.

Wonderful.

I have to get some sleep or look like the living dead.

Now come on, girls. Back back to bed. Bye.

Whoever was sounded awful.

I wonder where whoever was got hit.

I don't know, kid. All I know is I feel lousy.

What do you mean how do I feel? I feel lousy.

You pussy, eaters, dumb, son of a bitch.

It's a good thing we only got beans, Pappy,

because you ain't ever gonna be eating Gorda the Cive again.

I'm awful sorry, Pappy. You said put it down.

Easy. I said put it down easy.

What are we gonna do now, Pappy?

What do you mean what are we gonna do?

We gonna shoot the Marshal.

What about the other fella, Pappy?

One who prances around like a mare in heat.

Well, Well, if he gets it the way, you can shoot him,

but just don't neither one of you bend over near him till

you're sure he's dead.

But don't hit none of the ex dizzy asses.

We show up to the mining camp with merchandise full of holes

that they won't do no business with us.

Oh, oh, damn. That hurts.

Give me that bottle of whiskey.

Boys,

I'm gonna be laid up for a spell.

You're gonna have to do this job by your own self.

Just keep sneaking into town till you get a clear shot at him.

We got time.

Long we got that wagon tongue, he ain't going nowhere.

What do you mean we're not going anywhere?

I mean, we simply must leave immediately.

We haven't tried on the new outfits.

We have to rehearse and for heaven's sake, sweetie,

put it back in this pan or pasteurize it before you make

me swear off milk forever and tell me what happened.

They stole our wagon tongue.

You know, the long thing that goes to me?

Stop TriNet. Fight me and just tell me what happened.

I am. They stole our wagon tongue. We can't go anywhere.

Does the marshal know?

Yeah.

He's out there now cutting down a tree to make a new one,

but it's gonna take a while.

How much about wild?

She does the marshal. A couple yeps?

Sal translates that to days.

Well, I suppose we could rehearse here and try on the

outfits, but oh, fuck up.

Those bandits that attacked us last night,

any sign of them this morning?

Not yet.

I been standing guard while Sal and Genevieve get dressed.

Well, I suppose I could take over for a little while.

Although, if I did come face to face with those villains, I'd

probably just wanna faint and shit my night

shirt and not necessarily

in

that

order.

It's okay, kids. Virgil's up.

He's standing guard so quiet that's back with the tray.

You mean I can take a bath?

I rigged up this really neat shower over at the other troughs.

I guess so, but stay close.

Remember those bad guys are out there.

Well, at least two of them are.

Just because they shot at us and stole our wagon tongue and

tried to kill the marshal doesn't make them bad guys.

We don't even know what they want. I'm hungry.

Why don't you go stand guard while Virgil gets dressed?

I'm gonna go build a fire.

I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to take a shower. Yeah.

I can't wait. I'm going to take a shower.

Okay. Real slow now, Hanson. Give me the gun.

Yes, ma'am.

Keep your hands up?

Yes, ma'am.

What are you doing here?

I'm coming to shoot the marshmallows.

What for?

Pappy told me to.

You always do what your pappy tells you to do?

Yes, ma'am.

Turn around.

Hold this.

Would you do everything I told you to do?

Probably.

Probably.

Wagon Tom, Victor Marshall? Nope.

Decide to take a break, make sure the camp's secure? Yep.

It's just simply no use, honey.

You can't put twenty pounds of beauty in a five pound bag.

Boy, I sure ain't never done anything like that in jail.

I gotta tell you, ma'am.

I mean, Sam, that sure was more fun than shooting a marshal.

Would you hand me my shirt?

Thank you.

What's this?

Some papers my mom gave me before she ran off with the preacher man.

Your mom ran off with the preacher?

Yeah.

I guess she felt like she needed living on the other

side, living with Pappy like living with the devil.

Your Pappy sounds like a very bitter old man.

No, ma'am. He's just mean. Meaner than a sidewinder snake.

You know what he done?

What'd he do?

He traded off paint.

Paid for the house?

No. He ain't got no house.

Paint was my horse, my favorite.

He's my only horse,

and Pappy went off and traded him for a dumb old rock.

Oh, Purple. I'm so sorry.

Sometimes I pretend I still got them.

That way it don't hurt so bad.

Another time,

like, now.

Why do you stay with him if he's so mean?

Because he's my pappy.

I gotta go.

Why, ma'am, ask you.

Often, I think of a beautiful town that is seated by the sea.

Often, thoughts go up and down, the pleasant streets

of that dear old

oh, my god.

It's one of the bandits. He's got cells.

I heard a shot. One of you hit him?

Not me, Pappy. Maybe maybe it was purple.

Here he comes.

Why didn't you shoot the fool? He's my brother, Pappy.

Not that fool. You fool the fool marshal fool. How come?

My gun go wet, Pappy. I fell in a watering trough.

Did you have another one of your spells?

Sorta. Damn it, old boy.

Why didn't you try playing with yourself like I told you to?

Russell.

Did you shoot the marshal?

No. It didn't pass him. Why not? Something came up.

Oh my god.

You're worthless. Just both of you.

My gun got wet. It fell in the watering trough.

Something came up.

I can't rely on either one of you.

Well, now you listen to me, and you listen to me good.

Come tomorrow, whether my mouth is healed or not, we are

shooting that marshal.

Do you hear me?

Yes. I have been.

It's worthless.

Both of you.

It's her fault.

I met one of those eight dizzy asses. She's nice.

Yeah? Me too. Her too.

Want me to help you feel old pain?

I know I ain't got no horse, Pank. Pappy trading them.

I think being one of those big dizzy has helped my condition.

I'm glad, Pank.

I wanna shoot the Marshall purple.

I can't say I'm crazy about the idea myself.

If Pappy says we got him, we got him. He is our Pappy.

Oh, Genevieve. You got all dirty when we took that fall.

Oh, just a little dirt. I'll wash it off later.

Are you feeling okay?

I feel wonderful.

I found the pink puff. And I found the purple one.

You really helped him get away, didn't you?

Yes, but

what's that?

I didn't realize I had this.

There's a letter from his mom in here.

I'll never touch another firearm again as long as I live.

You're simply gonna have to defend the ladies all by

yourself, Marshall.

You do understand, don't you? Yep.

Oh my god.

Stranding out here in the middle of the east bum fucking.

I've tried to be brave.

I really have.

Well, you won't mind if I see, would you? Nope.

We're really pissed off with you, marshmallow Malone.

I mean, stupendously,

colossally,

caliphically, castratedly

pissed off.

Damn it, Malone.

You swore them strippers would be here by now.

You tell him, Jack. That's what he told us.

Now we give you our money, Marshmallow.

Hard earned money we dug from the ground.

Now where's them strippers?

I I know you did, Snuffy.

And and I sent it to the government.

Don't don't pass the buck to the government,

Marshmallow Malone.

It was you we gave the money to.

You tell him, Tom Beaver.

You may be dealing with the government,

but we's dealing with you.

And you ain't got no right taking our money and building

up our hopes like that.

And then not delivering.

Hellsfire, Marshmallow.

You know how long it's been since we've even seen a woman

in these here parts.

Except in your knees, contestant.

Kate,

she don't count.

Hell no. Why the thought of her even being female is debatable.

Last poor fella that had anything to do with Erbil.

He walked straight since.

Poor old Gill and Bill.

Oh. Hold on, boys.

We don't know they ain't coming.

I sent Kate down the mountain to see if she could spot any side of them.

Now why don't you all just go back to work? Hey, Snuffy.

Let me show you a card trick I made up last night.

Magic, why don't you shove them cards up your ass?

How'd you know the trick? I just made it up last night.

Here comes Tate now.

But I sure the hell don't see no strippers.

Kate.

It's all right. These are coming, ain't they?

Sorry, uncle Marshmallow.

I've seen five skunks, couple wild cats, an eagle,

and three or four coyotes.

The four legged kind.

Ain't seen a sign of a wagon full of flus.

The peppers, drippers.

Actually, the word's act easiest. It's Greek.

Don't make a shit what you call them. They ain't coming.

You're a pessimist, Snuffy.

I ain't. I'm Methodist.

And ain't no call to bring religion in on this, Malone.

We swindled this pure and proper.

And what we ought to do is pound you in a hammered out shit.

First man who wants little holes in his belly,

raise his right hand.

Easy, Kate. These are our friends.

They look a hell of a lot friendlier six foot under.

Now hold on, Kate. Listen, we got a right to be right.

We pay good money for them government strippers.

Then take it up with the government and leave my uncle

be, Tom Beaver.

Hey, Jigs. Take it easy. We don't wanna hurt your uncle.

We just want what's robbery coming to.

Ain't that right, boys?

Tell you what I'll do. Maybe the floozies.

How about strippers strippers, Keith?

Yeah.

Like dizzy as Floozies

broke down in the valley.

And I think it's sick of each and every one of

you to pay good money just so you

can see them all naked.

And that includes you, uncle Marshmallow.

But since you're all so fired up about the whole thing,

I'll ride out to the valley as far as Pelvis Gulch,

and I'll see if I can find them.

Okay?

Oh, what do you think, boys?

It's a real good thing you'll be doing here, of course, Kate.

Good thing you're scrawny ass.

I think the whole thing's immoral.

But since you're all so set on it,

I'll go down and I'll see if I can sniff him out.

But you listen to me and you listen to me good.

If I come back and I find one hair hurt on my bad uncle hair.

You're all grass and I'm a prairie fire. You got that?

And that goes for those jackasses back at camp too.

You tell them. Goodbye, Uncle Marshmallow.

Good luck, Kate.

Hell, with any luck, I'll find him all dead.

And then the government can refund your money,

and you could get back to work.

The whole idea is sick.

Kate will find them strippers and bet on it. Actisius.

Any way you cut it, we're talking tits and ass.

I hope they didn't run into Indians.

Nothing. I got another new cartridge.

You're

mine.

No. No. No. No.

You're supposed to look sensual, girl,

not like you're in canes.

Outfits, Virgil. They're pretty. They just don't work.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

If you want anything done right,

you simply have to do it yourself.

I'll be right back.

Is anyone out there, Marshmies?

Yep.

I think somebody's coming.

Is that one of the men who tried to kill us the other day?

Nope.

Well, he looks awful mean to me.

Now, if you'll watch me closely.

Well, no doubt about it.

I found the floozes. Now see here.

What the hell are you?

I was just about to ask you the same question.

Well, I'm Kate Malone from the mining camp.

You're Marshmallow Malone? Kate Malone, Marshmallow's niece.

He sent me.

You're a girl?

Of course. What the hell did you think?

Well, that perhaps your maker hadn't yet decided what to call this chunk of mud.

That ten star make you in charge of this gum woman skin scam?

Yep.

The way you say that makes me think you might be

what?

Yep.

Daddy, are you okay?

Hell no. I ain't okay. My mouth hurts.

I just swallowed a fly,

and I wake up to find my two idiot sons trying to beat me to death.

What the hell are you doing here anyway?

Why ain't you out shooting the marching like I told you to?

We was going to, Pappy,

but someone just rode into the ex dizzy ass's camp.

Let me see that.

Get out of the way.

Who is that fella?

Believe it or not, Pappy, that ain't no fella.

That's a girl, a mean girl.

I saw her whomp the hell out of three fellas when I was up

scouting the mining camp.

That's catastrophe Kate, Marshmallow Malone's niece.

He said a feller made a deal with the government to bring in

the exudes he asked.

From the mining camp? Yes, Pappy.

Must have rode down to find out how come the merchandise ain't showed up.

We gotta move, boys.

We gotta shoot that marshal now.

You mean you've been pinned down here all this time?

Yep.

There's a fort, a day's ride away.

Why didn't you send someone?

A fort with soldiers and everything.

Did you know that, marshal? Yep.

You knew that and you didn't send someone?

Who's he gonna send? One of us girls?

Well, he could have sent

point taken.

Bandits ain't your only problem.

Coming down, I see an Indian camp up there.

Indians.

At least one.

It was too far away to make out,

but it was an Indian camp alright.

Do you know that, Marshall?

Yep.

Why didn't you tell us? That we're all in danger?

Yep.

Pinned down by bandits.

Indians watching you. A wagon that won't go.

I'd say danger is a good word for it.

Serves you right.

Coming all the way out here, filling miners' heads with

crazy thought.

You're just a bunch of cheap floozies.

I resent that remark.

Hell, you don't even resemble it.

The stench of this whole setup makes me sick.

If you smell anything, bitch, it must be your raunchy armpit.

You took a bath once in a while,

and you'd look more like a woman than range kill.

I'll show you.

Just save me, Marshall. Help.

Step aside, Marshall. I'm gonna kill me a varmint.

Nope.

Damn. You're fast.

Fast as I am.

Yep.

You really plan on helping these godless heathens, don't you?

Yep.

You think what they're doing is right?

Taking their clothes off for strangers?

Filling men's heads with immoral thoughts? Nope.

Well, then why in the hell are you bringing them down here?

Just because the government said to?

Yep.

It's the code of the west.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Yep.

Well, I think you're wrong.

But at least you do what you think is right,

And that means you're not a total gunman

man.

And if you don't bring those strippers down there,

my uncle's in deep shit.

I guess I'm gonna have to help you.

As soon as I water my horse, I ride to the fort for help.

This water trough has sort of holes in it,

but there's another over in the alley beside the old boarding house.

I sure hope you can hold out till I get back.

I don't much care what happens to these fluses.

You're kinda nice.

You knew I was a gal all along, didn't you, Marshall?

Nope.

Oh.

That felly wall looks like like a stud's gone.

We better move now.

Now remember, boys, the marshal's our target.

Whatever you do, don't hit none of this.

We won't, Pappy.

Please don't shoot.

I was just trying to What the hell are you doing, Flus?

They're spying on me. I brought you these.

You're welcome to take a shower. I made it myself.

I saw the look on your face when the marshal didn't know if

you were a a girl.

What the hell? Business isn't of yours anyway.

Think I care what that gumament flunk is, thanks? Yes.

Well, your brain's no bigger than that little outfit you're wearing.

You're wrong.

Go on. Get out of here.

Go on.

I think it should fit now, Marshall.

Virgil must be really scared.

He's out there doing manual labor to help Quiet.

We're all worried. We gotta get out of here quick.

Sal, what are you doing?

Just reading something I lost the other day.

I found it in the jail.

Look, I'm glad you found whatever it is,

but please hurry and drive.

I'm headed to the fort now. Hold out till I get back.

Don't let him shoot you quiet.

I'll be back at the cavalry.

No doubt anymore. That's a girl. Right?

She's a beautiful, clean girl. I hope she makes it.

What do you think, Marshall?

I think that may be the most beautiful gal I've ever seen in

my entire fucking life.

Okay. There's a marshal over there.

He's working on that new wagon town. You see him?

Yes, sir. Well, you pay attention.

Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna work my way down around the other side of the saloon.

See?

Now I want you boys to go up there,

and you hide in that alley beside the old boarding house.

Now when I start shooting at him, he's bound to come after me.

And you two just step out in the street,

and you shoot him in the back.

Okay?

Yes, sir. Okay, Ping?

Yes, Pappy.

Don't let me know him, boys. Remember, I am your Pappy.

Please, Pink. Don't let your brother shoot me.

Oh, ma'am. I just come in and shoot some art. Why?

Because that'd be sad.

Neither a patent.

Well, maybe this letter that Sal found of Joe will change the line.

Dear purple, I should have told you before,

but I was afraid of Pappy.

If you can get somebody to read this,

then you and Pink will know the truth.

Pappy Putts, not your father.

Your real father drowned in a beer barrel in Abilene.

His name was Abner Pecker.

Love, your mammy.

Puce, pecker, putts.

Does this mean what I think it means?

What is me, purple?

Means we gotta listen to patting on them.

We ain't puttses. We're peckers. Hackers, purple?

Hackers, man.

Hackers.

Let's go shoot us a putt. I'm right behind you, Harper.

It's okay, Marshall. No whereabouts now. Step aside.

Pink. Purple. What the hell you doing?

You're supposed to be shooting the marshal, not me.

We ain't doing nothing you say anymore, you toothless old fart.

You lied to us. But you ain't our pappy.

We ain't putts as we're peckers.

Run, you god darn old putts.

Nothing. Pick the car. Get away from me. Just Nothing.

I can't pick a car.

So that's the story. It's been hell.

But if the Indians don't attack us, I think we should.

Kate said she spotted an Indian camp out at the top of the hill.

Up there?

Hell, that ain't no Indian.

That's where mad Mary Monahan hangs out when there's folks

come passing through here.

You mean mad? Like in crazy?

No.

He means mad as in pissed off, and I mean really pissed off.

I ain't pissed off.

Sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to fuck up dog dirty.

No offense, I'm taking.

Anyhow, Mary Monahan,

her husband used to live in this shared town before the

gold ran out.

That's true.

Pretty little thing she was.

Still is, I reckon.

Her husband was too, sissy for the life out here.

No offense, mister Nellie. Offense taken.

He didn't even run off to the mountains like the rest of us.

Oh, he went back east and married.

Well, she decided she was gonna stay and try to keep her homestead rights.

But since she was a woman, the government said no.

Because she was a woman,

the government wouldn't let her keep her home?

That's about the size of it, ma'am. Yes.

See, the railroad's supposed to come through here one of these days.

Boy, that'll bring this old town back to life.

Back to life?

You know, them government parasites.

Government's fucked.

No argument from us, ma'am.

Anyhow, that's how come mad Mary's so mad.

But don't let that fool you. She's really harmless.

We offered to take her back up to the camp,

but she insists on staying to protect what she feels is her

god forsaken town.

Damn right the government's fucked,

and it's gonna get more fucked if you ask me.

Nobody did, did, Stuffy.

You see my niece,

rode off to the fort to bring back the cavalry.

That's right. Guess she made the ride for nothing.

Feel kinda bad.

Well, the hell, Kate.

Let's talk tits and ass. You can't. Now we wanna see a show.

It's an ass.

You know what

I mean? Yeah. That's it.

You boys wanna see a show? Why not? You must show, busty.

Why not? Tits and ass coming right up.

Maybe it's a gentleman direct from London.

Hey. You ain't got no tits.

You ain't got much of an ass neither.

A crazy spell.

Get off of there.

I'm dreaming about you, baby.

Stand over the other way.

Oh,

need

Oh, that sorta looks like my niece, but it can't be.

That's Kate. Alright. Prettiest thing I ever saw.

Well, it's certainly not the cavalry she's bringing back with her.

Who is that sexy man in the hat?

Well, that's Hat Masterson, US marshal.

I saw him once at Kansas City.

What the hell is he doing way out here?

I don't know.

But if the size of his hat's any indication of the rest of him

Sorry, Quiet.

I got to the fort and found out that they're not authorized to save you.

You are no longer a government project.

What? Well, perhaps I can explain.

That's master's

Sweet Jesus.

Forgive me. I think I'm in law.

You see, the wives of the politicians objected to the use of

strippers for government revenue.

Objected very strongly, it seems.

And our new lieutenant's wife, Nan,

threatened to cut him off if he came to your rescue.

So the project's been canceled.

Is there a,

marshmallow Malone out here?

Well, that'd be me.

I'm authorized to refund your advance payment for one night of,

five hundred dollars.

What's going on here?

Oh, the marshal just gave us our five hundred dollars back.

Pat Masterson, ma'am.

Marshall Masterson says you're no longer a government project.

I don't know what to do.

Hell, Marshmello, you're free enterprise.

Take the five hundred dollars.

Five hundred dollars?

Government was only paying us two hundred.

Standard, Marshall, ma'am.

Until you invent the income tax.

Tell you what, Marshall.

You give us three hundred a show,

we'll go up to the camp and stay as long as you like.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Okay. Certainly.

Hey, marshmallow.

You let her get any closer, she's gonna roast you.

Hey, Marshmallow, Smell. Getting all creepy.

So we got a deal, Marshall?

A deal? A deal?

Yeah. Certainly. Certainly.

Hey.

When we get up to camp, I'd sure love to show you my load.

My load's bigger than his is.

I think I'm gonna like it out west.

Let's get back to the show, boys.

Nice meeting you, Marshall

Masterson.

Get out the rest of James, buddy.

It seems like the government's made another mistake.

I came out here with a notice for a, Mary Monahan.

Seems like she's the,

owner of this property again now that the railroad's not coming through.

I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Could you find some place to tack this up where she'd be

sure to find it?

Certainly. I'm gonna catch the rest of the show.

It's wonderful to have you back.

Every moment you're away was exquisite torture.

I thought of you constantly. Did you think of me?

Yep. Marshall, Herb.

I'm on my way to Tombstone.

Seems your brothers are set up to fight the Clantons.

Care to come along and join the fun?

Hell no, Masterson.

I'm tired of building those loud mouthed idiots out of trouble.

For the first time in my life, I've got something better to do.

Right?

So I figured Oregon's the place, the Christmas Valley.

Maybe run a few head of horses, a few thousand head of cattle,

have a few babies.

Sound good to you?

Yeah.

Then after the first year,

I think I'll plant a field of clover.

We can make eleven of clover every night. Then maybe corn.

Do you think making eleven cornfield might be fun?

Yep.

You get dressed up with money in your pockets, but

you got no place to go.

And then one day, these beautiful ladies came

riding into

town.

Well, I never did see a curse that was clean.

And peckers don't have to be mean.

Don't have to be bad.

Make other folks sad.

No, they can be good like a good echo should.

Well, I never did know a Pudz Fooka

count and had or subtract any amounts.

But a pecker can dance

right out of his pants.

Yeah.

He can dance good like a good hater should.