Original subtitles

HEAVY BREATHING

GROWL HE SCREAMS

Far, far ago,

the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled, also, of a saviour,

come from a distant world,

to save us from the shadows.

So, that's nice.

INDISTINCT CHAT

Seriously - mushrooms?

Precisely. Mushrooms.

What's so special about mushrooms?

Are they magic in some way?

No, nothing like that.

It's just they're the only thing the fahl will eat,

which is slightly problematic given the small issue

of the TERRIFYING MONSTER!

-Sorry. -Hang on. Back up.

THEY GASP It's been six months, I sat down.

Now, sorry, Mayor - but what is a fahl?

This is a fahl.

-Can it breathe in there? -No, no. This is a recording of a fahl.

Two in fact - a breeding pair.

WHISTLED LULLABY PLAYS

The one we care for is the last of their kind.

Years ago, many hundreds roamed the Starflower Woods -

but, alas, their song is no more.

What happened?

Alas, they were delicious

and, alas, we ate them all.

You ate them?

By the time we saw the error of our ways,

we'd already all but wiped them out -

the poor, succulent wretches.

Which is why we now care so diligently

for the one that remains.

And he'll only eat...

The mushrooms from the forest,

which you can't get because of... THE TERRIFYING MONSTER!

All right, Red Riding Hood.

SHE LAUGHS

I'll bring in the book.

There had always been stories of a creature in the woods,

but no-one had ever seen it.

Until now.

And if it's not stopped, the last fahl will surely die.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

HIGH-PITCHED SCREECH

You all know me.

You know how I earn a living.

THEY MURMUR IN DISAGREEMENT Nope.

I'm a hunter. Hunt stuff.

Hunt things.

I'll catch this monster for you -

and it'll be cheap cos I've just reduced my prices.

74.99.

For that, you get the head, the middle...

but I keep the bum -

for reasons of my own.

Great. Let's send that guy.

Now, lunch.

Whoa, whoa. We're talking about the possible extinction

of an entire species, and you're going to send that guy?

He's clearly not all there - he collects bums.

And stamps, but no-one ever goes on about the stamps, do they?

Debbie, Mr...

is a monster hunter and we have a monster.

Surely you can see the logic.

Though, of course, you could accompany him if you wish.

THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

Fine. OK, I'll go.

But if he kills me in the woods,

my bum-less corpse is going to come back and haunt you all.

Vivid image.

FOOTSTEPS

THUD

THUDS CONTINUE

BANGING AND BUZZING

THEY SCREAM

Dad! What the hell are you doing?

I've come round to fix your light...

like I said I would.

Yeah, in June!

Dad, you can't just break into people's houses

and start fixing stuff.

Well, I thought you were at work.

Mum said she texted you.

Oh, what... Do you mean the "Cad connin locket lig howru"?

I haven't had chance to send that one to Bletchley yet.

"Dad coming to look at light. How are you?"

Oh.

Why are you here?

The servers are down, so I'm working from home.

No Debbie...again?

Well, she's at flute-making class.

She play the flute?

No, she hasn't made one yet.

Dad, when you think you're not saying stuff, you are.

I'm just saying she's a very pretty girl.

It'd do no harm to keep your eyes open -

make sure she isn't hanging around with any strange men.

Dad, I can assure you my wife is not "hanging around with strange men."

This way...

Come, come. The Fahl really is the most wonderful creature -

charming, erudite, and quietly dignified.

Mushrooms! Where are my mushrooms?!

Not always that quietly.

This way.

Oh, here he comes. Finally, yeah.

Honestly, you people make me sick!

I only ask for the simple things in life - food, water,

move that mountain out of my sun, but no.

You never fail to disappoint me.

Charming, isn't he?

Honest answer?

Right, let's get this over with.

Hey! Whoa, whoa. No.

That's not the monster.

That's the last fahl.

Yeah, I'm important, so where are my mushrooms?

I'm afraid the slight delay has become fractionally less slight.

Now, what I was thinking...

What I was thinking is, I'm going to stop breathing right now.

-I'm going to do it. -No. I'm going to do it right now!

-Doing it. -No!

No. Stop.

Where are the musicians?

With the fahl's song silenced,

we must now soothe his blessed and wondrous mood swings

with music of our own.

Uplifting Tune 6B. Go!

THEY PLAY TERRIBLY

Argh! I will pay you to make them stop.

If I had ears, I'd rip them off -

if I had hands.

It's just a little slow,

it's better when it is faster -

and louder, LOUDER!

THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY BADLY

No, no. Stop! You're killing all the birds!

Coincidence!

Oh, Elf!

All right, I'm breathing again - just make them stop the music.

-He is soothed. -Are you all right?

Oh, this reminds me of the last time I got hit by a dead bird.

Not your best story. But you can see the similarity.

Can everyone stop talking except me, please?

Tell these people to go and find me my some mushrooms.

And a shawl, I want a shawl.

And a painting of a horse.

But wearing a hat.

Are you sure we can't kill it?

No, no. Please, please, please.

Look, I know his beauty and wonder takes on many forms,

most of them neither beautiful nor wondrous,

but it was us who made him this way when we robbed him of his kin.

We can't let the last of them die.

How will we live with ourselves?

Mayor, he may be a total... Yeah.

Annoying, but I promise I won't let anybody kill him.

LOUD SCREECHING

We've got bigger fish to fry.

It's a fish? How big?

Cos I've got a boat, but it's a bit on the small side.

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

HE WHIMPERS

HE SCREAMS

Your Darkness, are you OK?

Yeah. It's just the nightmares.

I'm not having any and I can't seem to sleep without them.

Anything we can do? Glass of milk?

-Cuddle? -No.

No!

It's Imperatrix.

What is she up to?

Where has she gone?

You do know we had that window bricked up?

Yeah, I find it strangely inspiring.

My worry is that, in her absence,

Yonderland could get caught in a power vacuum.

Oh, that happened to me once - very painful.

No, Jeffery, that was a vacuum cleaner

and I told you not to put it in there.

A power vacuum is when there's nobody in charge,

meaning that any old idiot could seize power and...

Hang on!

I could be that idiot.

Demons!

Find out everything you can about staging a coup,

starting with how you spell it,

cos I think there's a P somewhere you're not expecting.

-Oh! -Oh, you're slowing me down, Debbie.

Me? You just had a six-minute wee!

Listen, lassie, hunting isn't for the likes of you.

It's dirty work. You don't want to see what I've seen.

Even I don't want to see what I've seen and I've seen it.

Why? What have you seen?

I almost slew the Lake Pig of Hildergwen.

I came this close to a gruff-kneed sand-biter.

And the Nearlyhorse of Nezzleborough

very nearly wasn't a nearlyhorse any more.

"Almost?" "Nearly?"

Are you sure you've actually killed a monster?

Oh, that's not the point! SCREECHING

Not now, Kenneth, I'm trying to have an argument.

The point is - you've got city hands now.

You've been raising children all your life.

They might be good for patting heads and cleaning bums,

but out here, you need a hand you can strike a match on

or karate chop the top off a can of beans.

A hand that, when the grit hits the fan,

is not afraid to put one finger up in the air and say - MONSTER!

Squint? SQUINT! MONSTER ROARS

Yeah, that was a long shot.

MONSTER ROARS

KENNETH SCREECHES

I can explain.

They just kept hunting till I was the only one left.

I knew I'd stand a chance if I could keep them out of the woods

and there had always been rumours of monsters, so...

Well, that makes sense, which is rare around here.

Sorry if I scared you.

Hey, no-one was scared.

The official story is, "No-one was scared."

If I could promise that no-one was going to hurt you,

would you come to the village with me?

There's somebody you need to meet.

Why is this cushion so red?

And why is that river so loud?

Cos you made us move it closer.

Then move it back.

Fahl, this is Fahleen.

Go on, it's OK.

THEY SNORT

Oh, you smell disgusting!

So...

what does every cruel and oppressive dictatorship

throughout history have in common?

A loyal military force?

Methodical plan for expansion?

-Hmm. -Jam?

No. Worth writing those down though, somebody.

Apart from jam.

The correct answer is...branding.

Like they do to cattle?

No, I mean a logo.

Though I could brand you with the logo.

I'll come back to that.

My point is, every decent despot throughout history

has a memorable insignia.

You've got your hammer and wimple,

you've got your Panini sticker and,

of course, the famous platinum arches of Roald McDahl...

Now there's a guy who knew how to deal with burglars.

..but today, a new chapter will be written

in the history chapter of the book.

The history book. Books.

For henceforth, from this moment,

those forces loyal to my noble cause

shall march under this flag.

Any thoughts?

Uh...

She stinks!

This is what fahls are supposed to smell like, you perfumed pillock.

Can't you see that this is a miracle?

This blessed union could save your entire race

and see you, once again, make sweet, sweet music together.

In every sense. You're joking, aren't you?

There's nothing miraculous about that.

First thing, eyebrows - they don't meet.

Second thing, no beard.

And thirdly, she's got a figure like an hourglass.

It makes me sick!

I can't listen to this voice any longer.

The feeling's mutual.

Yes, time out, good idea. Let's all just...

Well, they're not exactly made for each other.

WHISTLED LULLABY

Or are they?

I've had an electrician out.

Oh, they don't know what they're doing.

Says the man whose toolkit is a Tesco bag full of hammers.

Dad, does this cupboard seem OK to you?

Well, there's a crack above the door,

I could chip away some plaster and see what...

No, no, no, I mean... Does it feel weird to you?

Have you ever heard of...

projection?

It's one of the words I know, yes.

There's a theory, your mother keeps going on about it.

It's where you take your feelings about one thing and

PROJECT them onto something else.

Apparently, it's why I buy big cars.

You don't know what you're talking about.

First it was rats,

then it was a ghost,

and then you're getting all het up over some shoe

and now you reckon you've got a weird cupboard.

All the while, your wife keeps disappearing off somewhere.

You think my wife is disappearing into the cupboard?

Of course not.

No, I think maybe you're taking your feelings about Debbie

and projecting them onto other things...

like the cupboard.

Dad, for the last time,

I am not worried about Debbie! NIGEL SCOFFS

She somehow managed to juggle raising twins

with having some sort of semblance of a social life,

and today she's learning how to makes flutes.

Just like when your mother learnt Spanish?

I didn't know Mum learnt Spanish.

She didn't, she was having an affair.

Mum had an affair?!

Well...

no, she fancied the teacher.

-That is not the same thing! -Fine.

Why listen to the wisdom of an old man

when you're perfectly happy living in the dark?

Irony.

LOUD BANGING

Ooh! Are they...?

-No, they're fighting. -Get off.

Right, everyone, I've had an idea.

Clearly, the fahls aren't going to fall in love with each other

stuck in there with everyone -watching. -Good point.

Everyone close their eyes.

No, they need to be in their natural habitat.

So, I suggest that they go and spend a night together in the woods,

so that they can...get to know each other.

Excellent idea!

Play the excellent idea song.

BAND PLAYS TERRIBLY

I am not spending a night anywhere with that spoilt pig!

If she touched me, I'd be sick all -down my legs. -OK. OK. Just relax.

Look, it's obvious that you two aren't going to get together

in a quillion years, but they're not going to accept that

so we'll pretend that you're staying the night in the woods,

then we'll say that you got eaten by somebody

so you can go back and live in the woods.

Then you can come back and live in here,

and you never have to see each other again.

Brilliant.

Good. It's the first thing you've agreed on all day.

I said it first! What? No, you didn't!

Yeah, I did. Why are you always going on about it?

Oh, keep up, you fat lump.

You what? I was voted Village's Sexiest Fahl

three years in a row, you know.

You were the only fahl.

Coincidence!

This is far enough.

You go back that way, I'll go this way. Have a nice life.

I intend to. FOOTSTEPS

What was that? HEAVY SNORTING

--Shh. -Shh. -Shh.

(Shut up.)We should go back.

We should hide in there for the night.

What, me in there with you?

You must be joking. I'd rather die.

Great. Well, you can do that there then. Bye.

Maybe I will.

MONSTER ROARS

Wait for me!

SNORTING AND GRUNTING CONTINUES

Right, I think that's enough.

Now we just wait till it's dark.

Well, I've had to sell everything I owned,

but we now have a war chest.

-Yep. -No money to put in it, sadly,

but we'll steal that as we go along.

The main thing is we have a plan.

So...

..here's Yonderland...

Smaller than I thought. ..or as it will now be known -

Negataland.

--Sexy. -Catchy. -Why's that?

These are the major villages and arterial roads plus,

of course, major rivers and dams.

Now, we move from village to village in this direction

till we reach here, at which point, we establish a new capital -

Negatagrad.

And bingo!

Whoa, who the hell is that?

I dunno. But her mouth's weird.

Your mouth's weird.

Oh.

Oh, come on. You must know one knot?

Oh, I don't have to know, do I? Eh?

I got people to do stuff for me.

Don't you miss it -

being out in the wild?

Oh, yeah! That worked out well for the others, didn't it?

I'm looked after perfectly where I am, thank you very much.

I don't have to do anything.

Nothing at all.

Ow! One of your lice just bit me.

Just keep to your side and keep your eyes to yourself.

Don't worry, I wouldn't look at you

if you were the last fahl in the whole realm,

which I will now prove, because you are. Goodnight!

Yeah, goodnight!

Good night, yeah? Is it, though?

No, because I'm in a cave.

ANGELIC CHORAL SINGING Yeah.

SHE EXHALES

HE WHIMPERS

Wow.

MONSTER ROARS AND FAHLEEN SCREAMS

Fahleen!

Yeah, you go and get her, mate.

Ow!

Ow, there goes a rib!

Ow, there goes another rib.

You?!

What are you doing?

You know me.

You know what I do for a living.

Fahleen!

What are you doing?

She's been taken, go and get her!

-What are you doing here? -Don't change the subject. Go and help her!

-Why? -Because you've realised that you love her,

so you've going to go and rescue her and live happily ever after!

What - and risk my life?

Have you gone insane?

Fine. Just forget it then. Forget the whole thing.

Just go back to the village.

What about the monster? There is no monster, you big coward.

-Are you sure? -Read my lips -

there is no monster...

MONSTER ROAR

Oh, my God!

I'm coming, Fahl!

She didn't buy it.

But at least now I have some scars I can make up some stories about.

Oh, no.

Oh, you're amazing.

Well, if you like that kind of thing.

So, they're in love now then?

-Yeah. -That was quick.

Nothing compared to their gestation period.

I think this calls for a celebration.

Celebratory Tune Number 16...

No, no, no.

Let's just leave the music -to them from now on, yeah? -OK.

Oh, thank God!

Come on, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen. Mr Mayor.

Does anyone else suddenly feel hungry?

THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

This will teach old bossy boobs to take her eye off the ball,

everything's in place.

Minions...

"Evil-Overlord" is go!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, God, it's her.

Get that thing over here.

Your eminence, what a relief to hear from you.

We were worried sick. How are you? You look well.

SHE EXHALES

Right...

This isn't how it looks.

Yeah - we're pretty sure there's no P in coup.

HE GROANS

Oh, nuts.

Is that you, Debs?

Hi, hun. NIGEL CLEARS THROAT

Oh, hi, Nigel. How are you?

Where have you been?

I told you.

Oh, yeah - it was flute making, wasn't it? That's right.

How was that? How was all the flutes?

Make lots of flutes, did you? Get lots of flutes made?

Erm... Just the one.

Oh.

SHE FAILS TO PLAY NOTE

It's my first day. No, it's brilliant, Debs.

It's really good. It's excellent.

Anyway, I should probably...

Nigel, is he OK?

Just seems a bit...tense.

You know Peter, he likes to worry about things...

Oh, I managed to...

-fix the light. -Oh.

-Will you pass the hammer? -Yeah.

Demons, I now govern your servitude.

Could you use smaller words?

You will report to me at once to assist with preparations.

For what, your eminence?

Genesis -

the birth of my creation.

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