Original subtitles

HE SIGHS

Yeah... Ah-ha.

Hmm, as I thought.

It's pretty bad. What do we do now?

Now he counts to 100 and WE hide.

He's not hiding, you cretin, he's dead!

We've killed Imperatrix's closest advisor.

Well, you say we but... Let's not get into semantics, Neil.

Point is, unless we can find a way of getting a dead guy

to report in to Her Eminence, she will start to get suspicious.

Shortly after that, we will start to get executed.

HE GROANS

THEY SCREAM

He's alive, my love!

Yes! This is... My lord.

Yes! This is perfect!

Now we just concoct a story about a terrible accident,

nurse him back to health and we'll all be off the...

BANG

Now he's dead! What were we talking about?

HE SIGHS

'Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

'that dark forces would sweep our realm,

'until only Yonderland remained.

'But they told also of a saviour, come from a distant world,

'to save us from the shadows, and all that jazz.'

Ow! Argh!

You have failed me for the last time!

Please! I can keep failing you! Too late for that. Now go!

HE SIGHS Don't come back

until you have redeemed yourself.

CREAKING

HE LAUGHS

Oh! When you do that, do the little people die?

No. They just take a break. They'll be back when you fix that.

But it's difficult. I need to see that message.

Need to know who it's from, what it is I'm supposed...not to do.

Ah!

And lay off the custard creams, -yeah? -I only had one!

It's not my fault! They come in a double pack, you can't reseal it!

BUZZING

I'll tell you what, if you fix that,

there's a pack of these in it for you.

Oh! It's hard but soft!

What fresh madness is this?

Debbie, come quickly. There's an urgent issue that needs your...

Oh, what is it now? War? Plague? Famine?

Industrial dispute.

Is it me or is my remit getting wider?

It's so tangy!

Ooh. Can I have one of those? No.

You're allergic? What? Where'd you get that from?

Come on.

HE SNORES

There. Home sweet home.

The finest nest this side of...

BIRD TWEETS

Oh. BUZZING

I told you you were allergic.

HE SNIFFS

I stand corrected.

But I think my throat's closing over -a little less this time. -Let me see.

Oh, come on. Let's swap. Please?

BIRD TWEETS

Oh, good lad! Yeah, just try it.

You will not regret this.

CREAKING Arghhh!

What was that?

BIRD TWEETS

Ah, look! Ah, just a bird.

THUD

Ha-ha-ha!

One nil to wood.

Right, come on. I think I need my injection.

HE SNORTS

Aaarrggh! BANG

-Oh! Eh? -Perfect! A little helper!

How are you at holding stuff?

It's on my CV but then again so's computer skills

and I've no idea what that means.

Good enough. Come, hold that lever.

All right. What are we doing?

It's a long story, my cherry-skinned chum.

That's OK. I've got nowhere to go.

So, as you can see, it really is a most vexing issue.

Seriously? Cushions?

-ALL: -Mmm.

These aren't just any cushions, Deb-beh.

Debbie. Nah.

The Luxi Bum 500 is a quantum leap in posterial padding,

benefitting from a micropowder... Are you just reading from the label?

-Nah. -Look, if you've already got cushions, why do you need new ones?

Cos these are the 500 series but the 501s have just come out.

They're up to 7% more comfy, which for me is vitally important.

Put pants on. But they're so scratchy.

The point is, with the strike closing down the factory,

no 501s are being produced

and none of our bottoms are getting any comfier.

Or drier.

I had an accident.

Besides, this is exactly the sort of disharmony that Imperatrix will seize upon.

All the oppression and division... -I'll see what I can do. -Thank you. Good.

What did you lot do when stuff like this happened before I came along?

Just turned it over.

SHE SIGHS

ROBOTIC VOICE: Up the workers. Up the workers.

Up the workers.

Thank you for approaching this picket fence

for all your industrial disputing needs.

Would you like to cross this line?

Well, I'd like to go in, yeah.

Thank you. Enjoy your working day.

Scab. Scab. Scab. Scab.

Lefties!

Oh, my God!

-ALL: -The Chosen One!

And Elf might be nice.

Every now and then.

-ANOUS: -Negatus is lazy, utterly disorganised and generally incompetent,

conducting his operation in a very slap-dash fashion

typical of a man with no idea how to run an efficient command.

His IQ score is off the bottom of my chart

and I am unable to ignore his bad personal hygiene,

having caught him using a dishcloth to clean his...

All right, all right, we all know what he said.

That's why I called you, isn't it?

Her Eminence wants a report from Anous, but with him de...ciding to

go on holiday, that Dictaphone tape is all I have.

In its current form, it'll go down like a red balloon.

Well, should be pretty squeezy to fix up the mix-up. No big whoop.

Sample the wave forms, modulate the frequency...

Jargonator!

Layman's terms - out go the bad words, in go some good ones,

and you've got yourself a glowing report.

Check it!

-ANOUS: -Negatus is. Excellent.

Utterly. Excellent.

And generally. Excellent.

Conducting his operation in a. Excellent. Fashion.

And job's a good 'un. Thoughts?

Us Fettlers were known for our cottage industry.

But then demand for cottages just dried up.

That's when smart ones came along.

Built us factory, said they'd pay us to make life's little essentials.

It sounded too good to be true.

But it wasn't. No, it was.

Hours were doubled, wages were halved. We were so tired.

Which is fine if you're on cushion production

but it's a recipe for disaster if you're making filing spikes.

Ain't that right, Graham? Aye.

Well, try talking to them. -Have a round table. -We have.

We even built one. They never came.

They think we'll give up once we get hungry enough.

It's like Thatcher all over again.

He used to do roofs on the cottages, it's a long story.

Well, they're sure as hell going to talk to me. Come on, Elf.

Yeah. I'm not going anywhere.

Seriously. These things are amazing.

Like being hugged by a cloud!

< INDISTINCT VOICE

What's going on? Hard to hear but she is not happy.

Only an idiot would go in there. Ah! Good idea.

Geoff, why don't you...?

Oh... I guess he did have his uses. Yeah. I miss his back rubs.

Er... Well, I could always... -No. -No.

I will not ask again. Where is Anous?

According to this postcard,

he is enjoying an impromptu holiday on the beautiful island of Fernan...

Negatus!

Erm... By which I mean he's, erm... What's that?

Oh, apparently he's been on the lav the whole time.

I'll get him to give you a call once he's er...

Oh, Gods!

Who'd have thought killing someone could get you into so much trouble?

I mean, isn't that just absolutely...

'Typical.

'Idea. Idea.

'Very. Bad. Idea.'

Oh, I'm a genius!

BELL

Debberola!

Nice of you to swing by.

Ninnies? Dave?

Little drop of bubbles?

Team Ninny, look what the cat dragged in.

Debster! Debatron!

The Deb... The Deb...

The Debra... The Deb... No.

Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Taxi!

What is going on around here? You lot were proper wallies.

Not any more, Debs. What's actually happened is since the Sun God told us

to open the Hall of Wisdom and stop firing all our Clevers into the sun,

we've been on the up and up!

Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell!

Keep buying cells! There's a lot of money in prisons, mate.

Oh, hang on, going into a tunnel. No, you're breaking up, Jamie!

Legend.

Productivity's up, stupidity's down.

And with knowledge at our fingertips,

nothing gets past us now. Isn't that right, darling?

So that sweatshop, you own that?

Sweatshop? I think you mean order fulfilment hub.

It's a sweatshop. Why do you think they're on strike?

We don't actually know at this time but what I would say to you

is that we don't get involved in the nitty-gritty.

Management's the fuel, not the engine.

I learnt that from this book.

"Management's the Fuel, Not the Engine."

So you've never actually been there and seen what you've done?

Site visits are for dummies. I learnt that from this book.

That's telling you to DO site visits.

Is it? I only read the cover.

You're coming with me, right now.

What? No! It's cocktail hour!

Bye, Ledge. Ciao!

Oh, no, no, he's still too floppy!

We are trying, oh, darkest of colour charts!

You can't just bring something to life using only your hands.

Of course, if there were three of us...

Yes, well, sadly Demon Geoffrey is no longer with us

and I've no idea where he is or how to get hold of...

Hang on a minute.

Remember when I used him as bait in that kidnapping sting?

I had him chipped!

Yes!

HE MUTTERS

BEEPING

NEGATUS: 'Geoffrey!' Dad?

'No, it's me, you cretin!'

I mean, it's Negatus here, -my faithful friend. -Argh!

Look, I need you back at base, pronto.

Maybe I don't want to come back.

Maybe I'm happy here with the funny little box man.

Geoffrey, have you been eating those flowers again?

No. I'm in Debbie's kitchen helping the little man from the box

fix the broke thing so the weird guy on the screen can tell her her fate.

Look, I don't care. Just come... Wait.

Debbie's fate?

Right, new plan! You stay there and report back.

'I think you'll find I don't work for you any more.'

Why, you little... Argh!

All right, all right. What if I were to give you the keys to a brand-new...?

Keys?! Oh, I love keys!

I like looking at keys and playing with keys and... All right, I'm in!

Good lad, Geoff. So I want you to report back to me

'anything this weird guy on the screen says.'

You got it? 'Got it.'

So...you don't want me back there?

No. You stay put. We'll er...

-Oh! -Argh!

..manage.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Up the workers. Up the workers.

Scab. Scab. Scab.

Where did you get the egg?

Honestly? From the bum of a bird.

Gods, I had no idea.

You just wanted twice as much in half the time. Look what we've become, eh?

Look at his hand!

Soz, yeah? We thought we were improving things.

But I guess we were just creating a society of haves and not-haves.

Have-nots.

It doesn't matter. The point is, how are you going to fix this?

Well, you fine Fettlers have put up with this for far too long

and I'm going to do something about it!

ALL: Yeah!

I'm going to go back to Ninny Wharf

and I'm going to tell the Clevers the system is broken!

ALL: Yes!

I'm going to close the Hall of Wisdom and fire myself into the sun!

ALL CHEER

No, no, wait, Dave, that's not what I meant! Come...

DOOR SHUTS Oh, God!

She really needs to chillax.

-NINNIES: -Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!

Dave! Dave!

Goodbye, Debbie, thanks for everything.

I've locked the temple doors. Great, give me the key.

No, wait! Stop! I think this has happened before.

Yeah, you were here.

No, not this bit, the whole thing. It's a cycle.

You close the library, you fire all the smart people into the sun,

which just leaves idiots.

So you open the library, get smart, it corrupts you.

So you close the library and this could have been happening for quillennia!

Oh, God, I've started saying quillennia.

Maybe you're right, but you saw what we did to those Fettlers.

We've become monsters. I have to do something!

Malcolm, you know what to do!

No, wait, stop!

What if there was a third way?

Yes, he's out of the lav now, Your Eminence. I think he had the prawns.

All yours, Admiral.

Admiral Anous, finally we... Why are you wearing sunglasses?

-ANOUS'S VOICE: -Fashion.

I see.

So what is your assessment of Negatus's operation?

Good.

Could you elaborate?

Very. Good.

I want details! How does he manage his outpost?

Generally. Very. Good. Fashion.

Very. Efficient. Operation. Good. Command.

Personal hygiene. Very. Good. Hygiene.

Well, that is most reassuring to hear.

WHIRRING Argh!

Anous?

I. Am. Single.

I fail to see the relevance.

Slap. My. Bottom.

What?! WHIRRING

CRASH What is going on here?

Oh, dear, he seems to have suddenly fallen ill with a severe eye infection

rendering him incapable of speaking, hearing or even moving.

Don't lie to me! I will investigate this outrage in person!

Oh, God. I'm a dead man!

Yeah, erm, speaking of dead men, there's one very much on me!

And the profits? -Will be shared.Equally. -Hm.

I never want to leave. I know.

Seriously, what do you stuff these things with?

-You don't want to know, mate. -Eh? Oh!

Uh... Uh... Argh! Shall we go?

Well, it didn't always work out so well in my world,

but it just shows, if there's a genuine will to work for the common good,

no-one needs to be exploited.

HE SOBS

More stickers! MORE STICKERS!

Mu-hu-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And lastly but not leastly...

Oh, that is the opposite of scratchy.

Gentlemen... Hang on, hang on, there's something in the packaging.

"The Ninny-Fettler Collective are delighted to announce the forthcoming release of...

"..Luxi Bum 600?!" I mean...

ALL GROAN For the love of Go... Oh...

It's happened again.

Oh, we're back!

-ON SCREEN: -If you're watching this message, then despite my best efforts...

And, hello, weird guy! Weird guy? Oh!

The weird guy!

You're coming with me, mate! Hey!

HE LAUGHS

Demons! What the hell is he doing here?

Helping me.

Helping you? They're the enemy! He didn't take the projector?

No. Weirdly, he took the screen.

The screen? Oh... BOTH: Must have been the dumb one.

Quick! Before the bulb goes!

Whatever you do, you must never ever go to Yonderland.

I tell you this for your own good as someone who cares for you.

For I am Nestor of Maddox.

Your father.

What?! That's it! That's who he was!

Ha! Got there in the end, eh?

What?

I did it, oh, darkest of crayons! Geoffrey?

The weird guy, the one who knows Debbie's fate.

He spoke! What?!

And you heard what he said? Even better! I bought him with me!

Ta-da!

Oh. Where did he go?

A little word if I may, Geoffrey.

HE GULPS

There were once two scrolls so sacred

it was forbidden to ever sully them with eyes.

Never once were they read,

kept under the constant vigil of the most honest and trustworthy Elder

who didn't always go straight home.

Sorry.

I've got to look after the scroll.

'Seeing a name I knew so well, curiosity overwhelmed me,

'like slugazelles on a young lettuce.'

HE GROANS

'But it was the second scroll that gave me most cause for alarm.'

For it spoke of an alliance that could doom our realm.

An alliance between two twins.

You...and your sister.

Imperatrix.

It was too late for her.

'Your mother's evil already welled within her.'

Although some of that may have been wind.

'But, for you, there was still hope.'

I knew that if your sister learnt of the power she could wield with you at her side,

she would not rest until she found you.

'So I took you, and the scroll, to a faraway place

'in the hope of cheating fate.

'Leaving you in the care of another wise council.'

I severed all contact with you

and with Yonderland for your safety.

And with the heaviest of hearts.

But if you are watching this, then I am gone and fate has won.

BABY GURGLES

'Somehow, you are once again Debbie of Maddox.'

MUFFLED SPEECH

So I send you this plea to stay out of Yonderland.

And I pass to you this second scroll

for your safekeeping, my darling girl.

So where is it? The second scroll?

I don't know. There's no scroll here.

There must be. He just said so.

I'm telling you, there's not.

It's just me, the projector, and the scree...

-BOTH: -Oh, no.

You could have got me off the hook, you malformed lobster!

You could have saved me!

Instead all you brought me is... The second scroll!

Say what? Oh, look!

There's some scribbles on the back -there. -You found it!

Yes, well, I put my finest spy on the mission,

whom I was now just heartily congratulating.

Argh!

Good to see you. Are those tears?

No! It's...manly juice! Oh!

Excellent work.

Perhaps an inspection wasn't necessary after all.

Ah, yes. About Admiral Anous.

Forget about Anous. Tell him to take a holiday.

Will do! Somewhere warm, perhaps? Or on the other hand...

THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Ericsson

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