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Gorgeous Georgians
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Dingy castles, daring knights
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Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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Punishment from ancient times
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Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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Mean and measly Middle Ages
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Hello, loyal subjects.
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King Rattus here with a special look
at some of history's best
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and worst kings and queens.
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And let me tell you,
it's not easy being a monarch.
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Your bath is ready, Your Majesty,
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and the feast will be served at ten.
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All right, so it's not all bad,
but it can be really tough.
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00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:59,960
And hard times can start
even before you take the throne,
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just ask Marie Antoinette.
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Guys, what an incredible show
we've got for you today.
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I'm famous French hairdresser,
Sieur Larsenneur.
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And I'm portrait artist
Joseph Ducreux.
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And we are here
to collect an Austrian princess.
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Say hi to the viewers! Hello.
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00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,680
This princess knows
she's heading to France to marry
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00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,160
Prince Louis, who's going
to be king one day.
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What she doesn't know is how much
the French public will hate her
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if she looks Austrian. What?
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They literally won't let her
into the country looking like this.
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00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,320
They'll rip her to shreds!
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Which, quite frankly,
would be an improvement.
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So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.
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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
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00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:56,320
Now, I'm thinking we'll call you
Marie Antoinette.
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00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,520
But that is not my name, my name is
Maria Antonia.
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00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,880
Not any more!
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00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,520
We're changing it to Marie
Antoinette, it sounds more French.
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00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,000
Future queen of France,
let's dance.
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00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,760
What is going on with this hair?!
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00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,800
You've got it scraped back so far,
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00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,560
it's pulling out the roots
in clumps!
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00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:21,320
But it's very fashionable in
Austria. That explains everything.
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00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:24,880
At the moment, honey,
this forehead gives me a sore head.
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OMG, you are so right!
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That's why when I was sent
to Austria to paint you,
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I painted what I wanted to see,
not what I did see.
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She is so fresh, so fly, so French.
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It doesn't look anything like me!
BOTH: Exactly!
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So good. Thank you.
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Wow, it's magnificent. I know.
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00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,600
Now, sweetie, we want this makeover
to get you smiling again,
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00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,080
but only after we've fixed
your disgusting Austrian fangs.
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Look at those jagged little teeth
pointing out all over the place,
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it's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"
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So we're going to give you
a very beautiful
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00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,840
and very straight smile,
and all it will take
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00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,840
is some light dentistry,
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using these state-of-the-art
metal tools!
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00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,920
Oh, won't that hurt?
You won't feel a thing. Oh.
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Because you'll feel everything!
We don't have pain relief.
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Open wide! Let's make your dentures
all Frenchers.
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SHE SQUEALS
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When we met Maria Antonia,
she was a real no, no, no-nia.
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00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,320
But Marie Antoinette is tres chic,
she's glamorous,
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00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:43,320
she can barely move her mouth
after agonising dental surgery,
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00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,320
but she is fit for France.
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Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui.
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CHEERS: Oh!
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So what do you think of your
transformation, are you happy?
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SHE WHIMPERS
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Oh, she's speechless!
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And now you're finally ready
to enter France and marry a prince.
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00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,920
Yes, queen!
This is the happi...argh,
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00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,760
happiest day of my life. Oh!
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00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,160
But let's dance! Woo!
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DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
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MUSIC WINDS DOWN
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00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,000
Yeah, we probably should have worked
on her dancing, too.
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00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,840
Definitely. Please just stop,
you're embarrassing everyone.
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00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,840
Oof! A bit awks to be
Marie Antoinette,
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00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,960
but totally amazeballs to be me,
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00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,680
King Henry VIII. Ooh! Good times.
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00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,760
But do you know what the best
thing about being king is?
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Having a loving, supportive,
uncomplicated royal family
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00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:36,440
around you, who have always got
your back no matter what you do.
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At least, that's what I've heard.
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00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,360
I mean, my family's
nothing like that.
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00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,280
Yeah, first few days
with the new wife
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00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,920
and things seem to be going well.
93
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,280
Jane...something.
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00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:55,440
This is my third and final wife.
"Henry VIII and his three wives,"
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00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,560
people will say.
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00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,040
Ha-ha-ha, big hug!
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00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:03,640
You know what would be,
like, really, really amazing? Yeah?
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00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,760
Getting the whole family
together for, like, a big
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00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,000
kind of get-to-know-you party.
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00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,360
Really? Will there be food?
Yeah, sure!
101
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:14,360
Then a brilliant idea, yeah, invite
everyone. OK. Hey! I'm here!
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00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,160
Jane, quick, get out. Argh!
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00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,880
Stepmother, dear... Yeah.
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00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,840
..why don't you let me send out
all the invites to the party?
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00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,600
Oh, Mary, this is so sweet of you!
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00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,680
Do you know what, I was actually
a tiny little bit concerned
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00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,360
that you might be a bit angry,
what with Henry saying
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00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,280
that you weren't
a princess any more. Yeah.
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00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,720
No, as if!
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00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,280
That's all ancient history!
Yeah, ha-ha! Phew!
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00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:44,520
Hands in for family. Oh.
One, two, three, happy families!
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Happy family!
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00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,040
Well, this is nice, isn't it?
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Family's all here... Yay! ..food's
all here, bonza! Let's eat.
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00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:58,280
Actually, Dad, not everyone is here.
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00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:01,040
Really? Jane's here... Hello!
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00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,920
..you're here, Elizabeth is here.
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00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,120
I'm assuming my exes aren't
turning up because I...
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00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,440
HE IMITATES SLITTING
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00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,880
Sorry, I know that's insensitive. No
offence, girls, they were your mums.
121
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,080
But we're not all your children,
are we?
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00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:16,480
Henry FitzRoy in the house!
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00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,120
Hey, Dad, I got me invite!
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00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,360
Well, I did say
I'd invite everyone, didn't I?
125
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,880
Yeah, sorry, so Henry is my son.
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00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,200
I wasn't married to his mum, so he
technically can't be king,
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00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,720
although he is awesome.
128
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:36,200
So if we don't have a son, then I'd
want him to be king over the girls.
129
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,080
Again, no offence, girls. Let's eat.
130
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,040
That's still not everyone.
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00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,680
Really? We're just getting started.
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00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,000
Hi, Dad.
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00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,920
Hi.
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00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,840
Thomas...Stukley.
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00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,680
Stukers.
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00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,880
So I knew Thomas Stukley's mum,
quite well.
137
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,560
Very well, actually.
138
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,560
Erm, I mean, there was
pure speculation, obviously,
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00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:58,640
I mean, no-one can be sure.
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00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,200
Shall we eat?
141
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,840
Don't get too comfortable,
Daddy, I've just started.
142
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,240
It's Catherine and Henry Carey.
143
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:10,320
Look, Elizabeth, it's your cousins,
or potentially half-siblings.
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00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,400
Two of them, ha!
145
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,760
This is going to be
a really long evening for me.
146
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,320
Everybody knows I went on
a couple of dates
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00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,240
with Anne Boleyn's sister, Mary.
148
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:22,480
It's not a secret.
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00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,440
Also, sorry,
how do they have beards?
150
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,080
They're 11-year-old children,
and one of them's a girl!
151
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,720
The glue-on beards were my idea.
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Nice touch, don't you think?
153
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,600
Well, this is nice, shall we eat?
154
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:36,880
Uh-uh.
155
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:40,360
Oh, look, it's Audrey Malte
and John Perrot.
156
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,720
How many children do you have?
157
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,600
Look, Jane, I'm a complicated guy.
158
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,160
I may have had a few...
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COUGHS: Lots.
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00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,560
..lots of kids who can't
technically be royals because
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I wasn't married to their mums,
and I may have
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00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,000
disinherited Mary
from her right to the throne,
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and I'm going to do the same
to Elizabeth, probably.
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00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,200
But does that all really make me
a bad dad?
165
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,720
Yeah. Yeah, it does. Shall we eat?
166
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,240
So nice to meet you all.
167
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,120
Greetings, I am King Athelstan.
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FARTING
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I was... ..I was considered the
first king of the English. Ha-ha-ha!
170
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,400
Right, give me that!
171
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,840
Oh, but that's my axe!
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00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,960
HE CHUCKLES
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I was also the adopted father of the
young Viking king of Norway, Haakon.
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LAUGHTER
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Haakon, put the guard down!
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Fine!
Ow!
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But how did I end up adopting
lovely little Haakon?
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Was it...?
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The answer is C.
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Those crafty Vikings put him
on my knee
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when I wasn't expecting it,
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00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:04,080
and under the custom of Knesetja,
I had to adopt him.
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00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,520
Fire! Ow, ow!
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00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,960
Haakon's dad thought he'd insult me
by making me raise his son for him.
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00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,680
Well, the joke's on him
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00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,680
as I really like little Haakon.
187
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,800
Fire again! Whoa, come on!
188
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,360
Who keeps firing arrows?
189
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,760
The best thing about being a royal
is you get to make up the rules,
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00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,000
like my one banning soap.
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HE LAUGHS
192
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:35,440
But I'm not the only monarch to make
up new weird and wonderful rules,
193
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:39,520
and in the past they've been
a lot stricter. Mm.
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00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:43,800
You killed my cousin,
therefore your life be forfeit.
195
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,800
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys!
196
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:50,880
You don't need to swing axe, you
need to chillax, am I right? Huh?
197
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,640
I'm King William, yeah?
198
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:56,160
Winner of the Battle of Hastings,
and as the new king,
199
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,160
I get to make the laws now,
you feel me?
200
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,920
He's a murderer, though.
201
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,280
And would more killing
really be the answer?
202
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,440
Do we have to be those guys?
203
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,040
Wouldn't it be better
if we could find another way?
204
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,600
It would, it definitely would.
205
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,720
Oh, yeah, big surprise
you're saying that.
206
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,560
This guy, he messed up big-time
but are any of us perfect?
207
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,680
It's not really the point,
he murdered...
208
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,360
OK, I feel a new law coming on.
209
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:24,400
As the first Norman king
of England, I proclaim
210
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,200
the end of the death penalty.
211
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,240
LAUGHS: Yeah, boy!
212
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:33,280
We will find better ways
of living our lives.
213
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:36,120
Right, thank you, everybody,
it has been intense but...
214
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,160
Whoa! Where are you going?
215
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:39,600
I thought we were done.
216
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:43,280
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm not letting you go, no way.
217
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,040
I'm going to poke out his eyes
218
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,760
and chop off his dangly bits.
219
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,840
Eyes and dangly bits.
220
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,760
Whoa! A bit extreme.
221
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,240
He'll die anyway, won't he?
222
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,040
Possibly. I mean, it'll definitely
be slow and painful.
223
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,880
Well, if that's the case,
I might just go back
224
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,080
to the straight execution.
225
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,960
He's comfortable with that,
I'm fine with that.
226
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,360
Uh-uh, no executions,
we are not monsters!
227
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,560
OK, start with the eyes.
228
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,680
I can't do this, I just feel
uncomfortable, I'm sorry. Whoa!
229
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,920
You know, I am so touched
you felt you could say that,
230
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,240
you know, not enough people
say no to their king.
231
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,680
Never. No, no. I think we were all
getting a bit, like, hot-headed,
232
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,960
you know, when men get in a group
and we just kind of go a bit crazy.
233
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:24,280
THEY LAUGH
234
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,960
Yeah. Unfortunately, I am going
to have to find you guilty
235
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,080
of disagreeing with the King.
236
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:31,640
So...punishments?
237
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,880
Maybe I chop off his hands.
238
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,880
Chop off his hands
for disagreeing with the King.
239
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,680
Sorry, you can't chop
off my hands, I'm a...
240
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,400
Oh, more disagreement!
241
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,920
Better lose the feet, too.
You can't do this.
242
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,040
Look, look, I'd stop arguing
at this point. And his nose. Why?
243
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,720
Nose, a good shout, yeah.
244
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,320
At least you get to keep
your dangly bits.
245
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:53,080
OK, guys, we all good?
246
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,320
Isn't this a much nicer way
of doing things?
247
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,000
Absolutely not, in my case,
I wasn't even... Not really.
248
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,680
Seriously, people are going
to love my new laws, eh?
249
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,640
So much more civilised. Great chat!
250
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,400
Right, hands up who was
the eyes and dangly bits.
251
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,480
Oh. Chop, chop!
252
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,520
HE LAUGHS
253
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,640
Attention, people
of the Zulu nation,
254
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:20,680
our warrior king, Shaka Zulu,
has some extremely sad news.
255
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:23,760
My mother, Nandi, is dead.
THEY GASP
256
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,920
Not only was she an excellent
protector, but she was the best
257
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,320
chief adviser a marauding Zulu
warrior king could have had!
258
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,120
THEY CHEER
259
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:37,400
As such, I am commanding that
everyone in the Zulu kingdom
260
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,160
will enter a period of mourning.
261
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,000
And that is the end
of the announcement.
262
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,760
And in honour of my mother...
OK, there's a little bit more.
263
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,400
..I decree that during
this period of mourning
264
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:54,080
all 20,000 of you gathered here
will wail for hours on end.
265
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,960
And I want proper tears.
266
00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:00,800
None of this fake tears,
like, "Oh, no, I am sad!"
267
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:05,960
I want everyone to cry hard
until they are dehydrated.
268
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,680
And how long would you like them
to mourn for, Shaka,
269
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:10,800
a day, or two days?
270
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:12,760
One year! One year?
271
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,760
Anything less would be a disgrace
to my poor mother.
272
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,880
And that is the end
of the announcement.
273
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,840
And also... Really, more?
274
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:26,120
..no-one is to plant any crops
during this year of mourning.
275
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,720
Shaka, that seems a little extreme,
what will the people eat?
276
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,960
Excuse me, did you not hear
that my mother has died,
277
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,120
and all you can think about is food?
278
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,520
Show some respect.
Well, you are the King.
279
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:41,000
And thus, this ends the...
And also... No, he's still going.
280
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:46,760
..I want all the milk cows across
the nation slaughtered
281
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:50,560
so all their calves can feel the
pain that I am feeling right now.
282
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,040
OK, maybe let's just,
you know, dial this back a little.
283
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,600
Don't worry about where
you will get your milk,
284
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:59,800
as everyone is banned
from drinking it
285
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,360
in honour of my mother.
286
00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,680
Why is no-one wailing?
287
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,680
The year-long period of mourning
started five minutes ago.
288
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,800
Agh!
289
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,600
Agh! You call that wailing?
290
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,520
THEY WAIL
291
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,760
Yes, cry me a river!
292
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,640
WAILING INTENSIFIES
293
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,840
Yes, yes, that is top-notch wailing.
294
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,560
You are going to kill him for this
and take over, right?
295
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,760
Yeah, like, almost immediately.
What did you say? Oh, nothing.
296
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,000
THEY WAIL
297
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,160
Yes, that's it, from the diaphragm.
298
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,720
When a king or queen comes
to the end of their life,
299
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,720
surrounded by their friends
and family,
300
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:39,760
or in Shaka Zulu's case brutally
murdered by them, there has to be
301
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,640
a plan for who's going to take over
and how they're supposed to rule.
302
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:48,840
But what's expected of them
can sometimes be unexpected.
303
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,040
Ooh!
304
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,480
KING EDWARD GASPS
305
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,320
Prince Edward, His Majesty
King Edward has battled hard
306
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,960
in his fight against dysentery...
307
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:02,040
KING EDWARD FARTS
308
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,640
..but he does not have long left.
309
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,120
He wishes to speak with you.
310
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,400
Yes, Father, what is it?
311
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,920
Son, my time is close at hand.
312
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,280
I want you to promise me one thing.
313
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,640
Of course, Father, anything.
314
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,840
I want you to continue my war
in Scotland.
315
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,760
BAGPIPES PLAY, CHEERING
316
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,120
Are you sure? We're not doing
very well in the war.
317
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,800
This is my one dying wish!
Yeah, OK, of course, sorry.
318
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,680
HE SIGHS
319
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:33,240
I really hate the Scottish, Son.
I know you do.
320
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:34,920
HE GASPS
321
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,680
HE FARTS
322
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,360
Father? Father!
323
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,680
HE SOBS
324
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,760
He's gone!
325
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,760
There's one other thing. Oh!
326
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,280
Yes, Father, what is it?
327
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:52,480
When I die, I want you
to take my body... Of course.
328
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,360
..and I want you to boil it
so that all the flesh falls off.
329
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,920
Boil it? Then I want you to bury
the flesh in the ground...
330
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:02,280
Oh, OK, right. ..but preserve the
bones separately, keep them out!
331
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,360
Sorry, Father, where do you want me
to keep your bones?
332
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,600
Just somewhere convenient,
like, erm, a chest, maybe.
333
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,240
Right, OK, I feel like I'm going
to regret asking this
334
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,560
but why do you want me to keep
your bones somewhere convenient?
335
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:15,840
So that when the Scottish rebel
again, which they will,
336
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:21,400
you can go up to Scotland with my
bones and ride with them into war!
337
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,360
OK, yeah, I do regret
asking that, actually.
338
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,920
As long as you have my bones
with you, Son,
339
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,720
you can never be defeated
by the Scots!
340
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,920
HE FARTS AND GROANS
341
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:41,240
I could feel the light fading.
I'm passing.
342
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,200
HE FARTS AND GROANS
343
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,720
Tell my people I died as I lived!
344
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,120
HE FARTS
345
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,440
What, hating Scottish people
and farting?
346
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,960
HE FARTS
347
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,080
Father? Father! He's gone.
348
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,440
FARTING
349
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,800
Oh, how is he still farting
when he's dead?
350
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,560
Sorry, that one was actually me.
351
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:25,040
It's 1586, and Queen Elizabeth
has no children to succeed her,
352
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:29,880
so it's time to search for England's
next king or queen.
353
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,440
Welcome to England's Got Monarchs.
354
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,600
Let's meet the judges -
355
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,760
the Queen's Adviser, Robert Cecil,
356
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,840
our head judge, Queen Elizabeth,
357
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:46,400
and Spymaster, Francis Walsingham.
358
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,320
Right, let's get this over with.
359
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,880
The first of the Queen's possible
successors to audition
360
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,000
is Philip II of Spain.
361
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,920
So what are you going to do
for us today?
362
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,360
I am going to destroy
the Church of England
363
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,920
and restore this country
to the Catholic Church.
364
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,680
I'm also available for marriage
if that makes things simpler.
365
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,000
Oh, roop!
366
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,760
No, I don't think you're right for
this country, it's a no from me.
367
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:09,280
SHE IMITATES BUZZER
368
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:13,360
Ha! It's a no today, but it'll be
an "Agh, agh, si, si!"
369
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,280
when I return here in a year
with my Spanish Armada!
370
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,440
I mean, just a terrible attitude.
371
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,040
NARRATOR: Our next suitor believes
372
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,240
he has a stronger claim
to the throne.
373
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,360
Henry Hastings.
374
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,480
My great-grandmother on my... Oh.
375
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,840
..mother's side was
376
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,360
a distant...relative
to the Planta...
377
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:36,920
..genet...kings...I think.
378
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,600
SHE IMITATES BUZZER
379
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,240
Next, someone with an even better
claim, it's Elizabeth's cousin,
380
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:48,120
and the great-granddaughter
of Henry VII, Mary Queen of Scots.
381
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:51,200
Who are you, and what do you have
382
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,000
that the other hopefuls don't?
383
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,280
FRENCH ACCENT: I am Mary Stuart
and I've been...
384
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,600
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
..plotting your downfall!
385
00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,680
FRENCH ACCENT: I mean,
erm, dreaming of being
386
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,200
the Queen of England
since I was a little girl.
387
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,760
SHE GIGGLES
388
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,000
I already have lots of experience
because I've been
389
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,000
the Queen of Scotland
and the Queen of France.
390
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:13,480
Oh, and are you working as
a professional queen at the moment?
391
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,480
FRENCH ACCENT: No.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Cos you've had me
392
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,320
locked up in a castle
for nearly 20 years!
393
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:24,320
Oh, yes! You tried to have me
deposed and killed several times.
394
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,600
FRENCH ACCENT: I might have done,
I can't remember.
395
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,000
SHE IMITATES BUZZER
396
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,560
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Every time!
397
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,240
It's fair to say
it's not going well,
398
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,000
and the judges are almost ready
to give up.
399
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:37,320
SHE IMITATES BUZZER
400
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,800
But there's one last hopeful
trying to become
401
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,800
England's next monarch,
Mary Queen of Scots' son, James.
402
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:48,000
I'm James VI
and I'm King of Scotland!
403
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,240
Didn't we just have
a Queen of Scotland? Oh, my mother.
404
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:55,040
And how do you feel
about the fact I have her in prison?
405
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,120
It's just nice of you to put her up.
406
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:01,440
Oh. There's also a chance
that I might, probably will,
407
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,520
have her executed at some point?
408
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,880
It's tough at the top.
Oh, I like you.
409
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,440
How do you feel
about Catholicism?
410
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,080
I'm a Protestant, baby.
411
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,920
Oh! Lizzie likie.
412
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,480
Oh! He's done it!
413
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,520
Say hello to King James I
of England. Well done, mate!
414
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,680
I can't believe I'm going to be
King of England as well as Scotland!
415
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,600
Maybe. Frankly, I'll probably leave
the final decision
416
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,040
to my courtiers once I'm dead,
but you enjoy the moment!
417
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,600
the English King...
418
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,600
Go, you! Yeah, yeah, go, you!
419
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,880
420
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,880
Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.
421
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,280
James did indeed end up
also being the English King.
422
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:47,000
Now, sometimes people thought
their kings or queens
423
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,480
were such a pain in the bum that
they tried to get rid of them.
424
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:55,200
When Guy Fawkes and his gang tried,
and failed, to do just that,
425
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,680
King Jimmy wanted to remind
everyone of Guy's epic fail -
426
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:02,840
every year, forever. Mm.
427
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,320
Hey! Ha, ha, ha, the fun we had.
428
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,960
This is Jimmy on the street,
429
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,800
I'm James I, or Jimmy VI
if you're Scottish.
430
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,040
And the best day of the year
is finally here -
431
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,480
the 5th of November, 1606,
432
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,240
the day we all celebrate me
still being alive!
433
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,520
Cheer, Robert. Yay!
434
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:28,160
Yay! My adviser, Robert Cecil,
here is right to cheer, what a day!
435
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,560
You, if you could say one word,
what would it be?
436
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,400
No-one cares. OK, come on!
437
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,200
Whoa, you, unnamed female
what are you doing?
438
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:43,000
Erm, building a bonfire. Why?
Because you ordered us to celebrate.
439
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,200
Well, what are you waiting for?
440
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,000
Go burn everything,
441
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,840
to celebrate me not getting burnt.
442
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,880
Yes, one whole day to reflect
on what an absolute blessing
443
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,760
it was that I didn't get bumped off
by that mean, old Guy Fawkes
444
00:21:55,760 --> 00:22:00,680
and his wee pals, and that day's
today, the 5th of November.
445
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,640
It should be the 4th, really.
446
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,640
You've got something to say, Cecil?
447
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,840
Well, Guy Fawkes was discovered
on the 4th of November,
448
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,000
so, technically, we should
have celebrated yesterday.
449
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,720
Is there a day to celebrate you,
Robert? No, Your Majesty.
450
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,360
No, there isn't.
451
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:21,320
Well, there is for me, pal, and that
is today, the 5th of November!
452
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,440
Which way, which way, this way?
No, this way!
453
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,560
What about you?
Oh, you're too wooden.
454
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,000
Ha-ha! Burn, burn, burn!
455
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,040
This thing is just going to
keep getting bigger!
456
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,840
I'm picturing gun salute,
bell ringing.
457
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,800
You know, mayoral processions,
and in July, OK,
458
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,440
Christian of Denmark
even brought me a firework,
459
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,480
which we let off in celebration,
tell them about it.
460
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:44,920
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
461
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:46,560
It was broad daylight
in the middle of July,
462
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,560
so when it went off no-one
could really see anything.
463
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,160
Which made it all the more
impressive.
464
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:58,760
He's not wrong! So many chances
to celebrate your fave king, me,
465
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,440
at the 5th of November.
Don't forget that date.
466
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:06,040
Expecting people to be celebrating
that day for many centuries to come!
467
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,160
Remember, remember,
the 5th of November.
468
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,400
That's stupid, that rhyme could
literally apply to any day
469
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,920
in November. Well, it could be
the 4th of November.
470
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,160
No.
471
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,240
You, celebrate me more!
Why is that not on fire?
472
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,680
Everything should be on fire!
473
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,960
Sorting out the beefs of the past...
474
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:28,280
Pharaoh Khufu, don't tell me
how to run my great courtroom.
475
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:31,000
I don't tell you
how to build a great pyramid!
476
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,480
..with the justice of today.
477
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:36,040
Although pointy side up,
just saying.
478
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:37,440
Welcome to...
479
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,640
Empress Dowager Cixi
of the Qing dynasty, China
480
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,200
is going up against her frenemy
and royal rival, Queen Victoria,
481
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,760
regarding a rebellion taking place
in China in 1899.
482
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,400
Right, now, you might be
the combined rulers
483
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:58,600
of over 800 million people, but
in this courtroom I'm in charge.
484
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,680
Now, Empress, what's the issue?
485
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,120
We're having a slight disagreement
486
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,560
about how her country
won't stop invading mine!
487
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,040
Oh, here we go! Erm, talking, sh!
488
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:10,600
It all started with the Boxers.
489
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,960
Oh, I love boxers.
490
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,880
Let's get ready to Rinder!
491
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,040
No, no, no, not that kind
of boxer, babe.
492
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,360
The Boxers are a secret society
of people in China
493
00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,200
and they started a rebellion.
494
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,880
Now, Britain is using that
as an excuse to invade!
495
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:25,960
Ha-ha-ha, classic us!
496
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,280
So I send telegrams
to Queen Victoria,
497
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,520
reminding her
of our special connection.
498
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,920
We're both older leaders,
ruling over vast populations.
499
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,960
She is obsessed with me.
500
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,960
Apparently, she has
a portrait of me in her room.
501
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,840
It's just a small one! You see?
502
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,920
Well, at least I run my empire,
503
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,960
you have hardly anything
to do with your country's decisions!
504
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,240
Ooh! I am just as much
of an empress as you are!
505
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,200
Then will you stop invading
my country and stealing things?
506
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,360
Oh, how dare you?
I do not steal things!
507
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,120
Oh, yeah?
Tell them about the dog.
508
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,600
QUEEN VICTORIA GASPS
509
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,160
What about the dog?
510
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,480
Well, your lovely Rindersty,
one of my returning soldiers
511
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,080
brought me back a darling
little Pekinese from China,
512
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,120
which it just so happened
had been looted from her palace.
513
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:12,040
But how was I to know
it had been looted?
514
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,280
They called the dog Looty!
515
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,200
Yeah, maybe she likes playing
the lute.
516
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,480
She stole a dog from me, I want
a dog from her. What? Give me a dog!
517
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:20,960
GAVEL BANGS
518
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,640
Right, we're obviously
not going to sort this out today.
519
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,360
I suggest we adjourn
and come back tomorrow.
520
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:28,760
Oh, soz, babes, I'm not available
tomorrow. Why on earth not?
521
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,280
We're invading China!
522
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:31,760
SHE LAUGHS
523
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,240
You see? Unbelievable!
524
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,560
Well, it's almost time for me
to hang up my crown
525
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,240
and step down from the throne,
526
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:40,800
although I'll always be
king of the floaters.
527
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,240
HE FARTS
528
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:43,320
HE LAUGHS
529
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,240
Not every king can say that
with confidence.
530
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:49,080
Massive flagships belonging
to King Henry VIII,
531
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,000
Swedish king Gustavus Adolphus
and King Henry I
532
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,640
all sank rather spectacularly close
533
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,280
to where they set sail,
and that certainly didn't float
534
00:25:58,280 --> 00:25:59,680
the kings' boats.
535
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:03,800
But don't take my word for it,
here they are to play us out.
536
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,120
Oh, my goodness!
537
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:08,880
Look at that boat, it's sinking.
538
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,440
But isn't that boat the White Ship?
539
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,200
King Henry's son, William Adelin,
is onboard that boat.
540
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,640
Oh, yeah.
541
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,000
but they make us cry
542
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,800
543
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:21,840
with the heir to the crown
544
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,320
and a leak got sprung
545
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,360
when they sailed home from France
546
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,120
547
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,840
548
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,240
my heir got sunk
549
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,360
now there's going to be war
550
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:36,320
551
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:37,600
552
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,560
553
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,680
when I fight in France
554
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:45,680
555
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,920
when she turned in the wind
556
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,280
and she got sunk
557
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,200
sailors got hosed
558
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,120
559
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,040
560
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,920
561
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,200
they achieved nada!
562
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,640
563
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,520
564
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,280
565
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,600
Yo, yo! MC King Gustavus Adolphus
566
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,840
on the decks! Well, on the deck.
567
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,360
to put Sweden on the map
568
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,600
began to clap
569
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,800
cost us our loot
570
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,080
571
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,120
made the ship over tilt
572
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:28,640
and the water dragged her under
573
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,000
but was sunk by a gentle breeze
574
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,560
they saw our plans botched
575
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:36,920
576
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,120
577
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:39,960
578
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,560
Fancy pretending it didn't happen?
579
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,400
No. No. Worth a try.
580
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,000
but they made us cry
581
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:48,760
582
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:52,200
cos our ships took a rinse
583
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:57,520
cos these ships got sunk!
44762
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