Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians,

# Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, Ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, Daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel crime

# Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, Reigning sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

BOTH: # Gory stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to... #

Horrible Histories presents our...

# This song's special

# It's a whole new angle

# Richie on piano

# And me on triangle

# We're going to do the whole show as a song

# My best idea yet!

# What could go wrong?

# Well, you can't play triangle

# Or sing in tune

# But I can fart in time

# To be fair that is true

BOTH: # Sit back and enjoy some historical hits

# As we show you our best musical bits

# Something for everyone

# You can be sure

# Starting with some poo, pus and gore. #

FARTS

Oh, not bad

It's really unfortunate he ended up pooing himself to death.

Hello, doctor.

Oh, Mabel, good to see you. How's the family?

Oh, oh...

Dead. Yeah, a lot of that contagious plague going around.

But enough about them.

I've got these funny lumps and I wondered if you knew what they were.

I've got a poo sample to help with the diagnosis.

# I've seen a lot of pustules in the flesh

# I'm good at giving patients their prognosis

# And I've got medical prowess... #

Ooh!

# So now it's time

# For your diagnosis

# Well, I see you've got

# Cold chills, vom, and buboes on your armpits

# Back pain, nausea

# Fevers and exhaustion

# You've got the plague... #

Is it serious?

# You're probably going to die

# Cos you're covered in

# Boils

# Boils

# And your poo is full of blood

# Your arms are covered in hard lumps

# They're swelling and expelling pus

# Let me be your

# Healer

# Healer

# And I will take care of thee

# But I... #

SNEEZES

# I charge a hefty fee... #

Oh, the plague! I thought I'd managed to avoid

the old Black Death. What do you reckon caused it?

# It might be evil air

# Imbalance of your humours

# Hotness, wetness causing fatal tumours... #

Are there any cures?

# Yes, there are

# Now listen in

# Why not rub in some oils?

# Oils

# Smear your forehead with puppy's blood

# Rub on toad and when that's done

# You should apply a chicken's bum

# Then have a bath in some

# Wee-wee

# Wee-wee

# But if I'm speaking honestly... #

Urgh-urgh-urgh-urgh-urgh. Urgh.

# Survival's not a guarantee. #

Bath full of wee. I've been thinking of getting one of those,

thanks, doctor.

Oh, be careful who you talk to, they might catch it.

Urgh!

Urgh!

# Well, that was disgusting I feel slightly sick

# Let's move swiftly on

# To our next pic

# Rattus, what's up

# Next on the playlist?

# Two songs about families

# Not to be missed

BOTH: # Mothers

# Who wanted the best for their kids

# Who went to lengths

# No-one else did

# Brothers

# Who started as THE best of mates

# Who went on a journey

# From love to hate. #

Triangle? Not yet.

One, two, three.

# My Alex is so great

# And it was his fate

# To conquer the whole world

# Without me by his side

# Well, that isn't quite

# How it would have unfurled

# His father was a threat

# And so to protect

# I kept him by my side

# So what a shock we had

# When we found out Al's dad

# And his new wife had died... #

Coincidence.

# Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma... #

I fought for my grandson too.

# Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma

# I had a load of kids

# And then thing I did was marry them all off

# It takes a real skill

# And an iron will

# To find a suitable toff

# Got the best I could get

# For Marie Antoinette

# Bagged her the King of France

# Matchmaking was my thing

# Well, you don't think

# You get a throne by chance... #

# Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma

Admittedly, it didn't play out perfectly.

# Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma

# Hey, votta, hey, votta

# Hey, votta, hey, votta

# Hey, votta, hey, votta hey, votta 'bout you?

# This story goes out to all the mothers out there

# If you escape slavery

# You fight to get your children back

# From those devils

# Take them to court like I did

# Do whatever you can

# And dedicate your life to making sure it never happens

# To anyone else's kids... #

Wow! My attempts at matchmaking feel kind of weak right now.

# Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma

# We're all mothers, we do what we can.

# Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma. #

From 20th century Germany comes the musical tale

of the Dassler Brothers, whose conflict changed the world's...

..sports footwear.

Horrible Historical Musicals presents...

# We make our shoes in Herzogenaurach

# After they make Jesse Owens go fast

# Won the gold medal in '36

# 900 metres in Dassler kicks

BOTH: # We make these shoes in Bavaria

# Just me and you in Bavaria

# Brothers unite in Bavaria

# We never fight in Bavaria... #

AIR RAID SIRENS

Two brothers, whose friendship was ended when Rudi went away to war

and Adi stayed home to run the company.

I'm running this company on my own while Rudi is away.

Maybe I should always run ze company on my own.

# Not right

# Not right

# He's gone away to fight

# From heel to toe my soul says no to share it... #

And so Adidas shoes were born.

But when Rudi returned from the war, a rivalry was forged.

I will create a rival shoe company right here in Bavaria

and guess what I'm gonna call it? Ya, was ist das?

Oh!

Ruda shoes! Hmm...

How about Puma?

Sounds more "Rrarrr!"

No? Ya, fair enough.

# Now I'm good, Puma it's safe to assuma

# That all my consumers just can't get enough

# You wanna bet ya, Bruv

# You ain't no threat here

# Adidas is better and I can play rough

BOTH: # You think that you're so tough... #

The epic tale of the brothers whose rivalry created

two of the biggest shoe companies in the world.

BOTH: # There's a shoe for you

# Plimsolls, sneakers, trainers too

# We'll sell you all a brand-new pair

# Our shoes are available everywhere

# Footwear

# Footwear! #

The musical with sole.

Mine are still better than yours.

# If you want to get over a family fight

# Spend quality time together

# A nice seaside break

# Away in the sun

# Or any other type of weather

IN HARMONY: # Quality time together

# Such an admirable aim

# And nothing gets people together

# Quite like the beautiful game

Ah, Monopoly!

Football! Oh, yeah, sorry.

# It's more than goals

# It's more than goals

# We know that football's more than goals

# It's more than goals

# It's more than goals

# We know that football's more than goals

# Way back in 1863

# We decided to agree

# Rules of play

# The FA

# And as all the years went by

# Even more rules applied

# Like how I was offside

# And I was goalie!

# Teams got fancy shirts

# Different for the keepers

# Play on grass or dirt

# Rules to stop the cheaters

# So many blokes

# So many jeers

# But for so many years CROWD CHEERS

# Women's teams got the cheers

# Cos when they saw us

# Passing the ball

# Scoring 43 goals

# Boy could we play football!

# Until they banned us!

# I was thinking hard

CAR HORNS BLARE

# About rules whilst stuck in traffic

# Red and yellow cards

# Made reffing more dramatic

# In 1971

# FA's rules were withdrawn

# Meant that we could play on

# The women's game reborn

And look at us now!

# It's more than goals

# We know that football's more than goals

# It's more than goals

# Wherever you roam We know that

# Whoever you cheer for Football's more than goals

# It's more than goals Football feels like home

# We know that Not sure what I'm here for

# It's more than goals Playground or World Cup

# We know that When your team is winning

# It's more than goals There's no better buzz

# We know that Than when your fans are singing. #

ALL: Yeah!

Kick that ball!

High five. Ha-ha!

Yeah! Yeah.

CROWD CHEERS

Yeah!

Ahhh!

# Oh, no

# The beach was not traditionally where one would go

# And here in Bognor, yeah, this water's so cold!

# But doctors said it helps to make your gout go

# Gout go

# It's cool to be by the sea, Now it's COOL to be by the sea

# I like to be by the sea

# And to take all my family

# I change in a bathing machine

# I see the sea but it can't see me

# Even a royal empress needs this vacation by the sea

# I'm promenading

# While the kids are bucket-and-spading. Oh, yeah!

# In the sea we're paddling and wading

# Na-na-na-na, Break by the ocean

# Break by the ocean

# Donkey rides, baby

DONKEY BRAYS

# Or they'll dig a sand castle maybe

# Oh, yeah!

# Watch a Punch And Judy show daily

# Na-na-na-na Break by the ocean

# BREAK by the ocean BONES CRUNCH

HE STIFLES A YELL

# Seaside

# Factory workers sure like to be beside

# I thought for their week off I could provide

# A holiday with entertainment supplied

# Supplied

# Holiday camp by the sea

# My holiday camp by the sea

# I called it Butlin's cos I named it after me

# I'll do everything I can

# To make my campers all happy

# Catering for all their needs

Obviously, for a fee! KER-CHING!

# Candyfloss baby

# Or a knobbly knee contest maybe

# Oh, yeah!

# Grandparents, mums, dads and their babies

# Everyone has fun by the ocean

# Break by the ocean

# It's good to be by the sea

# Now it's cool to be by the sea

# Yeah, yeah, when we came along

# It became a cool place to be Wish that we could stay

# It's cool to be by the sea

# And it's all thanks to him and me

# Na-na-na-na Break by the ocean

# Break by the ocean. #

Shall we all go and get fish and chips?!

Yeah! Yeah! CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

# Holidays are great

# But there's no place like home

# A lovely stinky sewer

# A poo-filled space to call your own

# In every home across the land the kitchen is its heart

# They've really changed over the years

IN HARMONY: # Let's take you back to the staa-aa-aa-art! #

I was harmonising! Well, that's one word for it!

Mmm! Somethin' smells good!

Wow!

# That feels hot

# Cos I'm boiling my pot

# We eat veggies a lot

# That's all us poor folk have got

# Boiled veg

# My bed... I got my own room

TICKING

# Tudor kitchen is nice

# A-cookin' with spice

# Goodbye fire pit

# Hello fireplace instead

# There's no bed

# Cos instead

# I got more rooms!

# Wow!

# A-livin' in a Tudor house

# And knives and spoons

# Are what we use

# Yeah!

# Living in a Tudor house

# On the floor

# Is where the scullion snooze SNORING

TICKING DING!

# I'm using pots

# In fact I got lots

# Yeah!

# And dishes and pans

# For pastries and flans

# I roast

# I bake

# Pies and cake

# Wow!

# Cos I'm living in a Georgian house

# Fewer spits

# Now ovens are it

# I'm living in a Georgian house

# Using coal

# Makes cookin' a stroll! Wow!

Hey, shall I take 'em to the fridge?

Take 'em to the fridge!

To my brand-new fridge?

And do you like my washin' machine, huh?!

# The room's got lights

# Now we're cooking at night

# Yeah!

# I got a sink Mm-hm!

# To wash away stink Yeah, tell 'em!

# Hot tap Whoo!

# Drying rack And a dishwasher too

# Whoo! Yeah!

BOTH: # So now we're livin' in a '50s house

# All mod cons

# We can't do without

# Living in a '50s house

# We're better off

# So let's eat out Whoo! #

This all seems like a lotta effort to be honest.

Woo-oo-oow!

Oh and don't forget to take out the trash.

Papa's got a black bin bag.

# I've been practising my triangle

# Is it time to use it?

# Yeah, if you want to be arrested for crimes against music!

# Rulebreakers run in my family

# Like, they mostly just run away actually

# Breaking the law is a foolish thing to do

# Cos this next lot could come after you. #

Oohh! Yeah.

FABRIC TEARS

Oi! You! Come back here!

WHISTLE You'll never catch me, copper!

# It's a hard cop's life for us

# Victorian cop's life for us

# Instead of thank-yous we get hate

# Being a policeman ain't that great

# It's a hard cop's life... #

# Used to work on a farm

# It was really hard labour

# So I moved to the city, thought I'd do meself a favour

# I'm over five foot nine

# And also not illiterate

# So I joined the police force

# Cos I'm the perfect fit for it

# Respect was what I wanted being a criminal myself

# Needed to join the other side be a lot better for my health

# But we'd be sitting pretty Aha, aha

# But dope it ain't it's pretty gritty.

# Aha

# It's a hard cop's life for us

# Victorian cop's life for us

# Public hates us

# Rubbish pay

# On our feet 12 hours a day

# It's a hard cop's life

# Got no way to supplement my minimum income

# Feel like I'm an idiot being a policeman

# But as part of the reform part of the new norm

# At least we get to wear A nice new woollen uniform

# Yeah, but there's a catch Aha, aha

# It REALLY makes you scratch!

RECORD SCRATCHES

# P to the E

# To the E, to the L

# The 1829 Metropolitan Police Act

# Sir Robert Peel's responsible for our zero hours contract

Out of my way, Peelers!

# Go on, then, call us names

# It's not like you can miss us

# In Maidstone, we gotta grow compulsory whiskers!

# You mean like mine?! Aha, aha.

# Got to say that's mighty fine Aha.

# It's a hard cop's life for us

# Victorian cop's life for us

# Have to carry our luncheon

# Only perk is this truncheon

# It's a hard cop's life

# It's a hard knock life

# Yeah, a hard cop's life. #

GATE CLANGS

# We got a tower

# We got a white tower

# In London

# A seat of power

# Yeah

# A place where anything can happen

# It's been a Mint, a royal zoo

# A castle protecting you

# It was wood when it was new

# Now it's a museum

# For the Krays and Rudolf Hess

# Wiliam Wallace and Queen Bess

# Walter Raleigh and the rest was a prison

# Here's a mystery for you

# The princes in the tower went missing

# But people think a clue

# Is their Uncle Richard became king

# The Tower's seen all of these terrible days

# Like the death of Jane Grey Jane Grey

# Jane Grey Jane Grey

# A teenager given the crown must have thought she was made

# Got played

# She was queen for nine days!

WHISTLING

# Kept tigers there

# The leopards', panthers' and lions' den

# Let's talk polar bears

# They had one that swam in the Thames

# It's been a Mint, a royal zoo

# A castle protecting you

# It was wood when it was new

# Now it's a museum

# For Samuel Pepys and Anne Boleyn

# Henry's fifth wife Catherine

# Guy Fawkes and more like him was a prison

# Here's a legend for you

# While the ravens stay it'll stand proudly

# They guard the tower for you

# But if the ravens leave it'll end badly

# A tower full of all the historical things

# Like the death of Anne Boleyn

# Boleyn, Boleyn, Boleyn

# Executed by the sword and the case was so thin

# Yet knowin'

# Her accuser was the King

WHISTLING

# We got a tower

# We got a white tower in London. #

# James I hated rule breakers

# And who can blame him?

# Especially after Guy Fawkes

# Tried to kill and maim him

# The Gunpowder Plot went up in smoke

# Which we celebrate with fireworks - that's quite a sick joke

# But where did fireworks come from? #

I don't know, but that sounds like a cue for a song!

# The birth of fireworks

# An ancient Chinese tale

# Wei Boyang tried to live forever but was doomed to fail

# He mixed three powders up

# Thought they would be a hit

# He didn't live so long

# But now the spark was lit

# Cos when you add some heat

# And then retreat

# It starts to smoke and spark

# And lights the dark... #

BANG!

Oh, this really help seems to help my psoriasis!

# Yes, he has made an eczema cure

# Apply the mixture to the sore

# Not what he was looking for

# Must be more to this for sure

# They used the powder as

# Insect repellent smoke

# And they thought there were ghouls that terrified and frightened folk

# And so to scare them all

# They took their bamboo sticks

# And packed them tightly with Wei Boyang's powdered mix

# And when the sticks went bang

# It rang through the night

# It gave those spirits fright

# Was such a sight

# Cos he had made a ghost alarm

# It was an anti-spirit charm

# When it went bang, bang, bang

# Kept them away from the farm

# Little fireworks go zoom, zoom, zoom

# But fill a barrel and it's boom, boom, boom

# We'll blow the King across the room, room, room

# Then Catholic England can resume, zoom, zoom

# Cos they were using gunpowder

# That started as an eczema cure

# But Guy Fawkes' plan did not go bang

# And soon he was a captured man

# Now no matter where you go

# Fireworks put on a show

# Hear the crowds go ah, ah...

EXPLOSIONS # Ohh!

# Entertainment just for you. #

# Fireworks are dangerous

# On that we both agree

# If you're not careful you'll end up in A&E

# And when you find yourself in need of medical attention

# Nye Bevan's NHS deserves a special mention

# This song celebrates 75 years

# We've saved the best till last

# It'll move you to tears

# It's finally time for my moment in the spotlight

DRUM ROLL Yeah!

PRRRP! Oh!

# All day to practise

# He can't even get that right. # Oh!

# Cos I, I, I

# Back in '48

# Started the NHS and it's pretty great

# Togs on, scrubbing up my palms operating theatre let's go

# Didn't want to sign up at first now I'm really in the zone

# Came here far from home

# Straight on the wards, let's roll

# Feel good, looking strong

# Cup of tea and you can soon go home

# This is pretty heavy

# Get me to the Labour Ward I'm ready

# Oh, oh!

# Here you go, Mummy

# Best of all it don't cost you money

# No matter what's broke we'll fix you up

# You're good to go

# Through childhood and when you grow up

Great, so let's go.

ALL: # Cos Nye, Nye, Nye Bevan won his fight

# To make sure everyone gets treated right

# Countryside or city from the young up to the old

# The NHS will make you feel all right

Whoa!

# Jump onboard, sirens loud

# Whoever needs to come along

# Lights on, through the crowds

# We're off to the hospital

# Day or night, we'll see you right

# If you can't make it you can call

# Ladies and gentlemen here is your medicine

# And here are clean sheets for you all

# Heart's beating steady

# I can hear the boom-boom you're ready

Woohoo!

# Feet, eyes, tummy, we'll try and fix whatever feels funny

# Drop off then reload

# I get the call, I'm good to go

# I'm on call even when you throw up

BLEURGH! # Let's go

# Cos I, I, I saw stars tonight

# Now they've fixed me up and I feel all right!

# Had some tea and toast and now I'll take my baby home

# Will he sleep right through the night?

Whoa-ho!

# Na-nana-na-nana-nana-na Na-na-na

# It's our NHS

# Na-nana-na-nana Nana-nana-na-na

# It's our NHS

# Driving through the city

# To wherever I must go

# I'm so grateful for the NHS Whoa-ho!

# So I, I, I, I did my best

# To give health care you could all access

# Started something back then and it's still going real strong

# So let's say thanks to the NHS. #

FIRECRACKERS POP

Aa-aa-nd cut there!

Dan's still rolling!

LAUGHTER

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #