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# Horrible Histories. #
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# Loo Man, Loo Man,
the living toilet poo man
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# From the Middle Ages
with a bucket of poo
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# Have a poo in a private place
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# Sitting on my bucket
with a cape to hide your face
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# And bum, and when you're done
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# I will charge depending
if you did a two or one
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# Loo Man! #
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Loo Man's gross guide to history.
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Greetings friends,
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'tis I, Loo Man,
the King of the Khazi,
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00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:39,360
the Lord of the Lav,
the Baron of the Bog Bucket.
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Urgh! That'll teach me,
I thought I'd emptied it.
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Yes, this is Loo Man's gross guide
to history.
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"But who are you?" you might ask?
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Well, that's very rude of you.
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Still, every superhero
has an origin story,
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and this is mine.
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That dinner was delightful.
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Well, you certainly
enjoyed yourself.
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Not sure three helpings
of cabbage was a good idea.
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Ah, well, it's not every day
you get to visit the...
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GURGLING NOISES
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Oh, dear! You're just
going to have to hold it.
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I don't think I can hold it.
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Greetings, friend.
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'Tis I, Loo Man.
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AKA the Caped Convenience.
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AKA the Walking Water Closet.
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AKA the Living Little Boy's Room.
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I come when people need...to go.
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Whatever. Gangway!
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FARTING NOISES
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Ahh!
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Excuse me, do not
use the cape to wipe on.
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Use the damp rag provided.
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Unbelievable!
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Thank you, whoever you are.
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I told you, I'm Loo Man.
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Your bill. Oh.
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I didn't realise
there'd be any charge.
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Do you think people do this for fun?
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How much?
That's daylight robbery!
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Overcharging again, Thomas Butcher.
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Do not reveal my secret identity!
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It's not much of a secret, people
can smell you coming a mile off.
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Look, he's charged us a shilling
to spend a penny.
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I think you'll find
I didn't do anything, Officer.
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Didn't do anything?
What is that, then?
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Where did this come from?
Are poos falling from the sky?
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That was in there when I went in.
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He's lying, it's still warm!
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You're coming with me.
Overcharging again!
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Oh, no, no, no.
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GURGLING NOISES
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Wait, wait, wait.
Keep the change.
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Ahh!
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Oh, I might be in here a while.
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Have you got a bigger bucket?
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Yeah, I really went round London
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with a bucket of other people's
plops dangling between my legs.
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It was a living, sort of.
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It's no wonder I developed
an interest
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in the grosser
side of life.
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And all I learned is contained
here in my "log" book.
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And where better place
to start than the bottom?
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My favourite artist, Renaissance
painter, Pieter Bruegel,
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liked to include bums
and poos in his paintings.
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Who wouldn't?
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Well, you're not
going to believe this
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but some people actually complained.
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Get a life, mate.
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Are you Pieter Bruegel,
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painter of the famous picture,
Netherlandish Proverbs?
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I am, would you like me
to sign a copy, or...?
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No, I would like
to register a complaint. Oh.
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My husband bought this painting
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because it looked like
a nice picture
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of a typical
Dutch neighbourhood.
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I am very pleased with it.
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And then one afternoon,
an elderly friend spotted that.
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The man pooing out of a window?
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Yes, there is a man
pooing out of a window.
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Just so I'm absolutely
clear here,
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are you asking why there aren't more
people pooing in the painting?
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Of course not!
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Because I do usually add
a lot more bums.
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I did one of a school once
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where there were just bums
everywhere you look.
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Actually I've got a copy here
if you want to see it.
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Oh, no, I don't, no, I do not want
to see bums everywhere I look.
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00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,480
Well, then this is the perfect
picture,
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00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:06,040
because you have to look
right here to see the bum.
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I'm starting to think you
might have an obsession
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with painting...bums.
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Excuse me, I've no such thing.
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Hi, there, I'm here to pose
for the bum painting?
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00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,400
Oh, yes, just over here, thanks.
Oh, great.
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What?
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00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:21,640
Mr Bruegel, I'm just wondering
if you're wanting both cheeks
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or just the one?
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Oh!
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Oh-ho! Decisions, decisions.
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I'll tell you what, why don't
we do just the one, but side on.
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And if you just squat for me.
Like this?
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Yeah, exactly and just really
look like you're straining.
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Oh, someone's done this before.
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This is disgusting.
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Bottoms are important, madam,
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they help me show my criticism
of society.
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It's outrageous.
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Well, you know what they say,
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if you can't stand the bums,
then stay out of the...
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..place where they
paint the bums.
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Nobody has ever said that. Hmm.
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You may as well
be talking out of your...
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Bottom?
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Now who's obsessed?
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Good day.
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00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,960
Some people just don't
appreciate art.
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FART!
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Oh, sorry.
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Never apologise for
artistic expression, my friend,
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although you might want
to open a window.
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00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:17,960
That is rank!
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Let's be real, yeah.
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If you've got a bum, there's a good
chance
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stuff is just going to
come out of it, that's just physics.
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But where do you do your doodoo?
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00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,200
Well, that's up to you,
and there's a whole page on it
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00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,680
here in my log book.
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If you're lucky and I'm around,
you can use my bucket,
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at a charge.
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If not,
you might have to improvise
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00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,520
like Alexander the Great did.
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00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,160
One of history's most successful
military commanders,
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he was undefeated in battle.
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This was a man who could think
on his feet, although one time,
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he nearly pooed on them, too.
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00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,000
It's 329 BC
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00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:02,200
and Alexander the Great is seeking
to expand his empire
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further into Asia.
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00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:07,240
For Alexander the Great!
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For the Macedonian Empire!
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GURGLING AND FARTING NOISES
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Oh, hold on,
you guys carry on.
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Oh, no! Oh! Oh!
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FARTING CONTINUES
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What are you doing, sir?
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00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,080
Er, nothing, carry on.
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Oh, it's stopped.
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As I was saying
for the Macedonian Empire!
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00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,240
Sorry, sir, what was that?
What was what?
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You running off mid-battle.
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Is this one of your
brilliant strategies?
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Yeah, sure, yeah.
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00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:40,320
Like that time we were fighting
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on a day that the calendar said was
unlucky,
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so you changed the calendar.
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00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,120
Huzzah! Yeah.
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00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,600
What's your brilliant
strategy this time?
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Are you meeting with
secret allies behind the bush?
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Are there hidden troops
back there?
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Oh, no, no, no, look,
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just part of my secret
hidden strategy.
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Oh! I feel another strategy
coming on.
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Oh!
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00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,200
Grrrrr! Ahhh!
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Ha! Ha!
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Just carry on fighting!
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Yeah, oh!
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It's OK, I'm fine.
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We all heard the poo noise.
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Even we heard the poo noise,
and we're on the other side!
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00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,160
Oh, all right, fine.
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00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:19,680
Look, I didn't want to tell
you guys,
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00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,280
but I may have drunk
some dodgy water
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because I've got, like a,
a teeny bit of diarrhoea.
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Oh, no, oh!
Don't overreact!
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00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,800
I knew I smelt something
when we were crossing the river.
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00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,120
You said it was just funny-smelling
mud.
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00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:33,240
Ah, oh!
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It's like a waterfall
coming out of my bum.
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00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,720
Oh, come on! Ahh!
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00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,200
Men, they are retreating,
the day is ours!
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Huzzah!
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Come, let us embrace.
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FARTING
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00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,640
Er, actually, I think
I lost my sword somewhere,
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00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,440
so I'll probably go
and look for that.
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Well, it'll be here among the dead.
Come, let us search together
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Oh!
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00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,560
Actually, I've got, I've got
a huge battle tomorrow.
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I might have a...I might have an
early night.
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Fine.
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00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,040
I was washing my hair anyway.
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00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,000
Oh!
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00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,080
It really doesn't want
to shift today.
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00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,640
I said...
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00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,920
Yes, I heard, Your Majesty.
201
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,080
Oh, oh, it's just air!
202
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,080
It's all that meat I ate.
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00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,160
Perhaps the new cushion
is affecting your...
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00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,560
Ahh, oh!
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00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:34,400
..performance, Majesty.
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00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,960
I don't think so, Norris.
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00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:40,240
Huh! This swansdown toilet
cushion is super-soft,
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00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,880
like pooing through a cloud, uhh!
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00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,400
You should get one
fitted to your private toilet.
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00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,200
I don't have a private
toilet, Your Majesty.
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00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,760
Oh! I forgot.
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00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,640
I have a private toilet
because I'm the king and you...
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00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,000
What is your job again?
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00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,560
I'm Groom of the Stool,
Your Majesty.
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00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:02,240
I'm responsible for your
personal hygiene and toilet.
216
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:05,040
Yeah, well, you're not doing
a very good job, are you?
217
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,640
It's still stuck!
218
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,520
Why don't you just try and relax,
Your Majesty.
219
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,400
Think of something that calms you.
220
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:15,920
Where do people like you
go to the toilet?
221
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,040
Well, many of the courtiers
and servants simply use
222
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,080
the Great House of Easement,
which can seat up to 14.
223
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,960
What, that big stinky block
224
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,840
all the way down by the moat?
225
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,400
Yes, Your Majesty.
226
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,280
Well, what do you do
when you just need a tinkle?
227
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:31,080
Oh, many just tinkle against a wall.
228
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,480
Yes, I've heard about that,
that's a disgusting practice.
229
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,680
I've had my people chalk crosses
on the walls -
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00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,960
no-one would pee
on a religious symbol.
231
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:41,640
Oh, those are religious crosses?
232
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,680
I thought they were just
targets to aim for.
233
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,920
Well, they're not!
You know, like in archery?
234
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,680
Archery!
235
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,720
Ahh!
236
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,480
I think that shifted it, Norris!
237
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,080
I never feel more relaxed than
when I'm down the archery range.
238
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,960
Now, good man, OK, wipey-wipey.
239
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:04,160
And be thorough,
this archer's taken a wide aim!
240
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,480
Huh!
241
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,000
Is something the matter, Norris?
242
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,000
I mean, you can quit this job
whenever you like.
243
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,640
On the contrary, Your Majesty,
244
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,080
this is one of the most sought-after
jobs in the kingdom -
245
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:18,280
personal time with our King
is rare and precious.
246
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,520
True.
247
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,080
It's why everyone likes playing
tennis with me too.
248
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,800
Oh, I think tennis might work
too, Norris.
249
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,520
Henry to serve! Doo!
250
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,120
My word!
251
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,400
Hoooooo!
252
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,960
Oop.
253
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:36,080
Cor, talk about a dream job.
254
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:40,000
Imagine being that close
to the seat of power, yes.
255
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,480
Wind might have been a bit
of a problem for King Henry,
256
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,240
but there have been times when
having a build-up of blow-offs
257
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,360
wasn't all bad.
258
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,520
Urgh!
259
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:55,240
That's a strong one,
I forgot it was a plop-up book!
260
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,880
Come on.
261
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,160
Here we are, yes, a story
from history
262
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:03,120
where a visit to the air buffet
served an important purpose.
263
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,200
Fearful of an uprising,
264
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,720
Pharoah Apries has sent
his special envoy
265
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,640
to order the rebel leader Amasis
to surrender immediately.
266
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:20,400
Amasis, you go too far.
267
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,800
How dare you lead this revolution
268
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,280
against the true
Egyptian Pharoah Apries?
269
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,680
He will crush you
and your army
270
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,120
like the insects that you are,
unless I can convince you
271
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,680
to lay down your weapons
and surrender.
272
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:38,960
Then, perhaps, he may be merciful.
273
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,840
I have
but one message for your pharaoh.
274
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,360
FARTING
275
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,920
What?
276
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,960
Take that back to your pharaoh.
277
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,720
Sorry, take what back to my pharaoh?
278
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:53,240
Oh, you want me to repeat myself?
No problem.
279
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,240
FARTING
280
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,280
You dare to pass wind
in front of the representative
281
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,240
of the Pharaoh?
282
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,240
Yeah. Stop that!
283
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,040
No. Stop it!
284
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,000
Please, if I do not return with you,
285
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,760
the Pharaoh...
286
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:16,760
The Pharaoh will cut off my
ears and cut off my nose
287
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,000
for my failure.
288
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,320
I mean, that's probably for the
best, given how bad this one smells.
289
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,000
FARTING
290
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,600
That does it.
You have made a powerful enemy today
291
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,480
who will rain vengeance
down on you like...
292
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,400
Oh, no, that one just reached me.
293
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,000
Oh! That is vile!
294
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,080
Oh, you're an animal!
295
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,000
Urgh! Oh, you need
to see someone, urgh!
296
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,120
Come, we must move quickly,
I need to change my pants.
297
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:51,200
Henry VIII in the house! Now,
I love coming up with new rules,
298
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,440
but did you know I once had
the law changed because of soup?
299
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,680
Mmm, soup, it's nutrish and delish.
300
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:03,080
Now, in 1531, the Bishop of
Rochester's cook, Richard Roose,
301
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,000
said that as a joke, he'd put
something in the bishop's soup
302
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,040
which would make anyone who ate it
poo a lot.
303
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,360
Hilarious!
304
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,520
Unfortunately, 17 people
were taken ill
305
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,040
and one woman actually died - turns
out he'd poisoned them by mistake.
306
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:19,160
So after this, I had the law changed
to classify poisoning as treason
307
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:23,640
and punishable by death, but how did
I decide the poisoner should die?
308
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:28,360
Was it A, eat poisoned soup until
they pooed themselves to death?
309
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,480
B, boil them alive?
310
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,600
Or C,
chop off their heads?
311
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,560
The answer is B, boil them alive.
312
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,040
And that's what happened
to Roose,
313
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,360
all because he tried to make
poo soup as a prank.
314
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,040
FARTING
315
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,360
Who's that?
Probably the dog.
316
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,080
Laters, rule-breakers!
317
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,920
People always say to me,
318
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:52,640
"Loo Man, you have the grossest
job in history."
319
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,720
And to those people, I say,
"Yeah, you're probably right,
320
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,320
"I'm just a man with a bucket of poo
and a dream
321
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,960
"who's made the best
of his plopportunies."
322
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,760
But you know what?
323
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,120
I'm not the only one who earned
a living by doing disgusting stuff.
324
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,000
FARTING
325
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,600
Every time.
326
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,280
Whether that was dealing with
getting Egyptian kings' bodies
327
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,640
ready for the afterlife
or creating some of the greatest
328
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,000
and grossest stories of all time,
329
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,640
there's always someone
ready to carry the can.
330
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,840
Or the buck... Urgh, the bucket.
331
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,000
I've just got to empty it, really.
332
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,000
This summer,
Brothers Grimm Musicals presents
333
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,920
your favourite fairy tales as
they were originally written,
334
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:37,720
including Snow White.
335
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,600
Ah, huntsman!
336
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,680
# Hey, hon, hey, hon,
let's go and hide, let's run
337
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,240
# Cos if we don't run,
it'll be no fun
338
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,560
# When the queen
eats your liver and your lungs. #
339
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,320
Wait, what? That's right.
340
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:56,480
Just like in the original book,
this queen wants
341
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,960
to eat Snow White's
lungs and her liver.
342
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,840
Ah! This is a family film, right?
343
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:05,840
Yeah, I mean, the stories
do still have happy endings,
344
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:10,080
like when Snow White gets
the better of the evil queen!
345
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:14,360
# Now that matters have been settled
I have shoes of burning metal
346
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:19,320
# Cos of the things I did and said
They'll make me dance until I'm dead
347
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,240
# Dancing till I'm dead
348
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,800
# The floor is burning
where I tread
349
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:28,280
# Dancing, dancing, dancing,
dancing, dancing till I'm dead. #
350
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,400
Right, are we totally sure
these are the right vibes
351
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,960
for a musical?
352
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,920
Can we please not have a debate
about this? My feet are on fire!
353
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,280
Ow!
354
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:40,440
And next year, Brothers Grimm
Musicals presents Cinderella!
355
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,640
Oh, well, at least you can't
go wrong with that.
356
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,320
Erm, sure if you say so.
357
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:51,000
# The foot that will fit
this slipper
358
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:56,880
# Shall always be mine
359
00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:01,440
# My heart just did
a flipper
360
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:07,960
# Who is a size nine?
361
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,520
But first...
362
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,080
Featuring the ugly stepsisters.
363
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,440
# We'll cut off our toes,
cut off our heels
364
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,480
# Try on the shoe, see how it feels
365
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,840
# Then our love will truly bud
366
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,400
# Just try to ignore the blood
367
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,320
# It's bloodily, gorily grim
368
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,800
# It's bloodily gorily grim
369
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:29,360
# Bloodily gorily bloodily gorily
bloodily gorily grim. #
370
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,840
I'm going to have nightmares
for the rest of my life!
371
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,840
# No, you won't sleep
because of the cries
372
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,560
# As the birds peck out our eyes...#
373
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,840
Whoa! Too much, too much.
374
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,240
# It's bloodily gorily grim. #
375
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,680
The Brothers Grimm Musicals,
376
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,200
based on their original
book of fairy tales,
377
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,840
rated not suitable for children.
378
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,440
Or anyone else, for that matter!
379
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:56,440
Hello! We have a very special
royal surprise for someone today.
380
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,240
Yeah, we have got a makeover
to die for.
381
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,360
Let's go and give them
the good news.
382
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,040
Wow, Seti I, recently deceased
Egyptian Pharaoh...
383
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,520
We're going to be dressing
you for Duat,
384
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,360
the Egyptian afterlife.
Surprise, yeah!
385
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:12,680
Oh, bless!
386
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,080
I think someone is a bit overwhelmed
387
00:17:15,080 --> 00:17:16,800
and also dead.
388
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,240
Let's get on and do this.
389
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,640
So, Seti, you simply can't go
on the mystical afterlife journey
390
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,680
to the field of reeds or whatever
looking like that.
391
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,080
Or smelling like this.
392
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,880
You smell like my nan, Seti.
393
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,560
What
are we calling it, Hippopota-Musk?
394
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:46,760
Let's get to work, you might want
to lie down for this bit.
395
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,040
Let's get organ cleansing.
396
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,840
So, what we thought we'd do
397
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,680
is start out with some basic
brain mushing
398
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,440
with this big, nasty hook.
399
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:01,760
Vicious.
400
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,280
Then we're going to pull all that
mush out through your nose.
401
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,800
Does that sound OK to you,
sweetheart?
402
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,000
His silence speaks volumes.
403
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,760
Then we're going to remove
your lungs, your intestines,
404
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,160
your stomach, your liver
405
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,320
and pop them in these
tiny little jars
406
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,480
so you can use them
in the afterlife.
407
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,600
These little jars
are just too cute!
408
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:22,320
But don't worry, we're not going
to be leaving you feeling all empty.
409
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:24,600
We're going to be stuffing
you to the brim
410
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,360
with bits of grass,
straw, mud, rags
411
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,400
and my personal favourite, sawdust.
412
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,320
He is good to go!
413
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:35,880
Yes, King!
414
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,280
Total babe, but I think it's time
that we sort out those threads.
415
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,680
Clothes-wise, I was thinking we
just cover you in bandages
416
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,440
with magic spells written on.
417
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,760
Love that detail!
And to finish off,
418
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,800
a tres chic death mask. Oh.
419
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,120
What do you think, Seti?
420
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:51,440
I sphinx it's great.
421
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,240
I thought he was alive again
or something!
422
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,280
Do we think he's ready?
423
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:57,800
So ready, he's deady.
424
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:02,000
Let's give this pharaoh
some Sarcopha-Sass!
425
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,120
Come on, we practised that!
All right.
426
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:12,520
Before we met Seti I,
his look was dead boring.
427
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:18,000
But look at him now,
talk about a yummy mummy!
428
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,200
Work it, twerk it, strike a pose.
429
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,680
And no-one can hold
a pose like Seti.
430
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,920
You are not the only one that
has died and gone to heaven!
431
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,960
Well, that's it for today's
special royal makeover.
432
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,240
Seti's ready for the afterlife
433
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,800
and we're ready for the...
434
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,840
Afterlife. Party.
435
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,480
No, party. Sorry.
436
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:36,840
Style it out.
437
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:41,960
Some people's gross jobs have
actually advanced mankind
438
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:47,000
throughout history -
admittedly...not my one.
439
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,640
But sometimes a little gobbet
of grossness can go a long way
440
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,400
and help us discover new things...
441
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,640
FARTING
442
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:57,280
Ah! Every time.
443
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,160
..whether that's scientific
and medical progress
444
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,040
or exploring the world.
445
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,440
FARTING
446
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,400
So it does it when it closes as
well? What are the rules with this?
447
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,560
You are all here at the NHS
common cold unit
448
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:14,360
to help us better understand
how we catch colds.
449
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,520
You're not here for a party.
450
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,440
Understood.
451
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,560
Who wants to play a game?
It's party time!
452
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,600
No, no, no!
453
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,920
Sorry, our fault, we didn't make
it clear in the letter.
454
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:33,360
Yes, there is a party
on this side of the curtain.
455
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,080
Stop it.
456
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:39,160
This party is for children who
likely have colds,
457
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,720
and your job is just to sit there
458
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,400
while we fan the air
from this party towards you.
459
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,440
We're trying to understand
how colds spread.
460
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,880
Right.
461
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,040
Time for musical chairs!
Yes!
462
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,600
No, sit down, sit down,
sit down.
463
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,800
Sit down!
464
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,400
I repeat,
you're not at a party.
465
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,360
She's just angry because she lost.
Big time.
466
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,200
I didn't lose. Actually,
I wasn't playing.
467
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,400
I'm trying to conduct some serious
scientific research, actually.
468
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,320
Who wants to play
hide and seek?
469
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,320
Get up.
470
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:19,760
You're supposed to count to ten.
471
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,920
One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, found you.
472
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,160
You're not good at hiding.
473
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:28,800
Why is your finger blue?
474
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,680
Oh, that's from one of
our other experiments.
475
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,440
We dripped blue dye from my nose
476
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,480
and then we played cards to see how
far the germs would spread.
477
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,480
And how did you get it
on your finger?
478
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,680
She picked her nose.
479
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,360
Yeah, and there's blue
in her mouth,
480
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,320
she definitely ate it!
Urgh!
481
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,440
I didn't eat it!
482
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,800
She definitely did.
483
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,760
Now, can we please get back...
484
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,800
Pass the parcel!
485
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,880
Whoa, me, me, me!
How did you get that?
486
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,760
No!
487
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,520
Give that to me!
488
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,800
The music didn't stop!
489
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,120
No, hey, it wasn't me,
it was them!
490
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:12,080
We are paying you
to be our test subjects.
491
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,800
Can you please start doing
what we ask
492
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,440
or we might try
493
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,760
one of the other
cold-spreading experiments
494
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,320
we've been running,
495
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:24,560
like squirting
Dr Dudgeon's bogies up your nose.
496
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,480
Oh!
497
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:27,920
That man should be in bed.
498
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,680
We'll do anything you say.
499
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,160
Good.
500
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,600
Now, just sit there while we fan
the air from this party towards you.
501
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,880
Everybody, it's cake time!
502
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,160
Cake!
503
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,640
Don't you go anywhere,
you're not at the party.
504
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,400
I have a bogey squirter,
I am not afraid to use it!
505
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,160
And there's jelly! Jelly?
506
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,880
No-one told me about jelly,
save some jelly for me!
507
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,640
How are you enjoying your
first ocean voyage, Tristan?
508
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:58,480
Hvar! Hvar!
509
00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,960
Yeah, better out than in,
510
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,800
especially if you've been
eating fermented shark.
511
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,200
Hvar! Are we nearly there yet?
512
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,240
Oh, yeah, almost there.
How do you know?
513
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,720
Look up, what is it?
514
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,760
Oh! Huva!
My bad, should have said,
515
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:17,520
"Look up, but keep your mouth closed
in case a bird does a poop in it."
516
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,960
Anyway, these birds,
517
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,520
they never stray far from land,
so when we see them,
518
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:22,880
we know we're close.
519
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:25,280
Look, there's a lot of them.
520
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:29,320
Excellent! That tells us that
we're very close to land now.
521
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,960
But how do you know
which direction to go?
522
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,880
There are certain clouds
that only appear above land,
523
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,840
so we just simply
head for them.
524
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,200
Oh! Like that one up there?
525
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,880
Ugh! No,
that's not a cloud,
526
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,800
that's the same group of birds
from before,
527
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,920
but all bunched together
in a big poopy bunch.
528
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:48,800
Huva!
529
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,320
You don't say?
530
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,920
Yeah, you don't often see that.
531
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,360
So I see all the clouds
and the birds,
532
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,080
but, pfff,
533
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,880
we've sailed all
the way from Iceland.
534
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,760
How do you know which direction
to sail
535
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,720
when you're a long way
from land on the open sea?
536
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,400
It's all up here.
537
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,480
You see, I know that if we travel
from Snaefellsnes in Iceland
538
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,280
to Hvarf in Greenland,
539
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:13,120
the North Star will always
be the same height above the horizon
540
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,800
in both places.
541
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,200
So we sail for four days,
542
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,600
keep the North Star in the same
place and, well,
543
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,040
you should arrive in about...
Hey, we're there!
544
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,320
Where did you learn all this?
545
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,920
Most Vikings learn it
from their families.
546
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,160
Oh, wait, I didn't want to go to
Hvarf in Greenland,
547
00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,840
I wanted to go to Staard in Norway.
548
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,240
What? But you kept saying,
"Hvarf! Hvarf!"
549
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,480
Huva! Huva!
550
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:44,240
Oh! Huva!
I think I know what's happened here.
551
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:48,880
It's funny, I'm completely clean
and yet you are covered in poo.
552
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,160
Oh! And there we have it,
553
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,760
the final page in my guide
to gross history.
554
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,280
And make no mistake,
555
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,240
the log book is a gem you should
never be without,
556
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,920
and not just because of the whiffy
wisdom contained inside,
557
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:09,240
but also because the pages
are soft and absorbent.
558
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:11,080
FARTING
559
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,680
I might tear out a couple of pages
myself, but before I do,
560
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,040
I shall leave you with a gross tune.
561
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,120
FARTING
562
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,240
Wow, not that one. This is
a song about a bunch of princes
563
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,400
who died before
they could become kings.
564
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,280
One, by pooing himself
to death!
565
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,000
It doesn't get more gross
than that!
566
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,880
I'll see you later!
567
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,520
# When I was a young prince
568
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,640
# My father took me
into the palace
569
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,960
# To say I'd rule the land
570
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:54,640
# He said, "Son, when you grow up,
you'll be king, the great king
571
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:59,960
# Of the Tudor,
your life's already planned
572
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,520
# But I dropped dead at 15
573
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:08,160
# They gave my crown and queen
to my brother
574
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:12,080
# Who later divorced her
575
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:15,720
# And they left me a side note
576
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:20,400
# A phantom in the sad parade of
577
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,880
# Great kings that never were
578
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:34,040
# Poor Edward died of dysentery,
we call him The Black Prince
579
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:38,960
# No throne for him,
that stylish warrior
580
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:43,720
# When Frederick got awful sick,
his dad George was relieved
581
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:48,280
# Cos as an heir,
Fred was below par
582
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:53,000
# We can't rule on,
we can't rule on
583
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,760
# So let's hear it
for the roll call
584
00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:00,040
# Of kings you never knew at all
585
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,960
# We can't rule on
586
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,560
# But don't forget the kings
you never had
587
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,080
# Cos we all died before our dads
588
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:13,280
# Disappointing Fred
drew his last breath
589
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:14,880
# Oh, oh, oh
590
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,960
# Ed looked cool
but pooed himself to death
591
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,920
# Ah, ah, ah
592
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:21,680
# And there's also me...
593
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,720
# And don't forget Alphonso...#
594
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:28,560
Alphonso? Yeah, Alphonso.
Dad was Edward I.
595
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,280
I was going to be King of England,
596
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,600
but I died in 1284. Come on!
597
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,080
# We could have ruled
but we were gone so
598
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,480
# We could have had
a King Alphonso
599
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,560
# There's no King Fred
to be anointing
600
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,040
# Because he's dead,
dead disappointing
601
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:48,000
# The never-kings,
the sad procession
602
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,560
# It really stinks,
we've no succession
603
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,240
# We died too young,
that much is clear
604
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:55,040
# Stomach ache
605
00:27:55,040 --> 00:28:01,560
# Or diarrhoea. #
606
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:05,160
Er, could we all stop going on about
how I pooed myself to death?
607
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,120
There's nothing wrong with
pooing yourself to death,
608
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,480
people did it all the time.
609
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,120
Shut up, Alphonso.
45570
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