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Gorgeous Georgians
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Dingy castles, daring knights
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Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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Punishment from ancient times
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Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
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Mean and measly Middle Ages
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school
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Horrible Histories presents...
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It's 55 BC.
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The Roman Empire has expanded
out of Italy
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and now turns its attention on
Britannia.
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My name is Gaius Julius Caesar,
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governor of Gaul and commander
of the legions of the north,
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and I will have my conquest
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00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,160
in this invasion or the next.
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The next?
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What, you think we're going to fail?
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00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,400
No, it's just a saying, Marcus.
Is it?
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Are we really going to do this now?
Sorry.
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The white cliffs of Dover.
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Marcus, prepare the invasion
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and, at my signal...unleash hell.
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Or we just keep sailing.
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Sorry, what? Well, it's just those
cliffs look quite high
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and there's a lot of very naked
Britons up there,
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waving their swords.
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And waving other things,
as well, actually. Mm.
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Agh... Agh. OK, then at my signal,
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keep sailing until we find
somewhere easier to land.
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Prepare to land the troops!
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We go over the side. Uh, Caesar,
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those nudey Britons are back.
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Oh, seriously?
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I mean, if you don't want
to wear armour, then fine,
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but underwear's just basic!
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Good line, might use that in my
book. Although it's a bit more,
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"He came. He saw.
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"He waited on the boat...at the
moment."
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Why are we still on the boat,
Marcus?
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Well, the men don't like the look
of all those angry warriors waiting
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on the beach. I mean, it
would take a real leader
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of men to start
this charge.
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Pff, yeah!
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Yep.
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Yep, ah...
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Chaaaarge!
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Caesar, our legion standard-bearer
has gone in!
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The army is following!
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Oh, well, saves me the
trouble because I was
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definitely about to
lead them in myself.
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Oh, yeah. Or me. Curse him
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for getting there first, actually.
Urg!
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When the might of the
Roman legions came to Britain...
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It's freezing. It is really cold.
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Don't like the look of those clouds,
either.
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00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,280
Don't suppose it's too soon to go
home?
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I guess we did win that battle
on the beach
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and we did take that bunch of
hostages. All right, Julius?
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Oh, ha. Still naked. Very much so.
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And I'm fine with that.
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I mean, we have been here, like,
three weeks.
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It's probably long enough. Yeah.
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Right! Pack up!
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Back on the ships!
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For a limited time only...
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Caesar came. He saw.
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He left pretty quickly.
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Yeah, w-w-we'll come back in the
summer! Yeah, sure.
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I mean, everyone loves a sequel.
Yeah.
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And then, next year, he came back
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and did almost exactly the same
thing.
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Oh, hi! I'm Nero Claudius Caesar
Augustus Germanicus,
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or Emperor Nero to the likes
of you.
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Pre-Roman Britain was a pretty
weird place
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and so who better to guide
you through some of the changes
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we Romans made in Britain than m...?
Me. Oh, no!
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Boudicca, warrior queen of the
Iceni tribe of Britain
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and leader of an uprising
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against our Roman occupiers.
NERO YAWNS
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You finished? People like her made
our quest
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to improve Britain difficult.
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They weren't improving, they were
invading!
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Julius Caesar was the first to try
it and he invaded twice.
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00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,120
Caesar didn't stay long, but that
didn't stop him from writing books
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about his adventures for his fans
back home.
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Agh, that went in my mouth!
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Is she going to be like this all
the time?
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Salve, Antonia!
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Oh, salve, Diana.
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FARTING
Oh, salve, Lavinia.
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What are you reading?
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Caesar's new book about...
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FARTING
Ugh, invading Britain.
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Did you read how in Britain...
FARTING
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00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,960
..Caesar says they ride in their
chariots,
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,560
showing off acrobatic skills
mid-battle?
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00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,280
Ugh! I know how they feel.
FARTING
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Oh, I can't quite reach the
bum sponge. Ugh!
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No, I'm going to have to get up.
FARTING
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Agh!
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I hear the women have great style.
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They paint their nails
and their faces with berries!
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So chic.
FARTING
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Looks like someone read the bit
in the book about Britons
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00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:59,480
dying their skin blue! Hee-hee!
It's a different way of life
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00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,640
and I find it THRILLING!
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00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,560
FARTING
I really I don't know what
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all the fuss is about.
Them Britons can't even...
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FARTING
..read or write. I think Caesar
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00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,160
makes Britain sound...
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FARTING
..exciting.
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Yeah, but you wouldn't want to live
there, though, would you, Antonia?
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SHE POOS
By Jove, no! Ha-ha.
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FARTING
The people sound like...
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00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,440
SHE POOS
..ah, filthy savages.
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00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,600
It's been-a 90 years since Caesar
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failed to conquer Britain.
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Roma has a new emperor
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determined to finish the job.
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00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,360
It's going to take one tough
toga wearer to risk everything
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00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,080
in this...hellhole.
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00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,560
I'm Emperor Claudius
and this is...
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You're on an island filled with
bloodthirsty warriors and druids.
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Staying alive through the night
is going to be a challenge.
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00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,520
You're going to need protection
and you're going to need it-a fast.
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Look around you. What do you see?
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Nothing but trees and dirt.
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00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,080
But trees and dirt, with training
and basic tools,
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can become a fortress. Agh!
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A fortress can keep you alive
when everybody around you
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wants-a you dead.
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00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,520
But what I like to do is...
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..stay 900 miles away in Rome
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and let my general Paulinus
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and the army do the hard work.
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00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,880
When you're faced with death,
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being somewhere completely different
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is a very effective way of staying
alive.
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You finally arrived in Great Britain
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because the war has already been
won.
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But now you have to win-a the peace,
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and these locals will rebel
at the drop of a helmet.
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HELMET DROPS
Ow! You need to be prepared,
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00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,480
and that means using what's around
you. Look around you.
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00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,200
What do you see?
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00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,960
A stone can be used as a missile.
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00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,000
Yah!
CAT MEOWS
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And wood is good for keeping
the fire going at night.
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Staying well lit and armed
is vitally important
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in a hostile situation.
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But what I like to do is...
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..bring an elephant. Ha-ha!
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
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It's unlikely the locals
will have seen an elephant.
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"What's-a that?" - they'll say.
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00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,040
And I'll say, "That's an elephant."
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And they'll say, "Cool. I've never
seen one of those.
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"Let's not rebel."
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Probably. Who cares? I've got an
elephant!
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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
I love it when they do that!
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Extreme elephant!
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Step three - conquer more of the
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island so you're safer from attack.
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You've-a secured the south east,
but it's going to take-a years
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to spread your rule across
this new and dangerous island.
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You've got decades of hard work
and danger ahead of you.
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But what I like to do is
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go home after
16 days.
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Let the army do
the rest.
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Going home to Rome seriously
reduces your chances
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00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,560
of being killed abroad
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and that's...
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Let's bounce.
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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
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I forgot my elephant.
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After Claudius' invasion was a
success... Boooooo!
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Beaaaa...utiful is what she means.
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As I was saying, after Claudius'
invasion was a success,
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Britain became part of the Roman
family and the many Romans who came
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to live and work here set about
making the place feel
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more like Rome, that meant changing
a few things.
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00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:15,400
Yeah, it would've been nice if
they'd have asked! OK.
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Do you mind if we change a few
things here in Britain?
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Yes, actually...
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La, la, la, la, la, la, laa! Not
listing.
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00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,680
I didn't mean the question, anyway.
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00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,600
Friends, Britons,
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00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,760
customers,
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00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,800
thank you for shopping
at your local market.
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00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,880
And, just to say, whoever owns
the brown chariot out front,
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00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,040
can you move it, please?
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00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,040
Because your horse keeps biting
everyone. Thank you.
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HORSE NEIGHS
Agh! Excuse me.
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00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,800
I'm getting a bit fed up of my
British diet of dry peas.
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00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,640
My friend told me that you stock
something called apples.
200
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,040
Yes. Apples are part of our new,
exciting Roman import,
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00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,840
so that's in the foreign food
section. Here's an apple.
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00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:52,960
Oh, wow! Look! It's all round and
shiny. Yeah!
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00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,200
OK, I'll take one and I'll cook
it for dinner.
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00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,760
You don't have to cook it, madam.
You what?
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00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,920
Yeah. You can just eat it, go on.
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00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,240
Sort of. Um...
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00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,000
Yeah, I mean... No, don't put it
back. Um, you know,
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00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,800
there's a lot of exciting stuff
coming in from Rome.
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00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,480
Look, we've got celery, grapes,
cherries...
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00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,320
..oh, cabbage. Mm. What about this?
What's this thing?
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00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,680
Ah. Now, that's a Roman invention
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00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,600
and it's a kind of pastry filled
with a ham sauce.
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00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,000
It's called a pie. Pie.
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00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,720
A pie. Right. Sorry,
did you say it's sauce
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00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,240
surrounded by pastry?
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00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,640
I don't think that'll ever catch on
in Britain. Ha-ha-ha!
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00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,680
Look, foods like pie can be
intimidating, but I think I've got
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00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:34,960
just the thing for you.
219
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,760
All right, this is the toast
of Rome.
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00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,000
It's called garum.
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00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,680
It's a spread that goes on pretty
much everything. Oh.
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00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,960
Yeah. Ooh, lovely. What's it made
of?
223
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,000
Rotten fish guts.
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00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,040
Oh! Agh!
225
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,720
And... Agh! Oh, I'm
going to stick to peas.
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00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,080
Agh.
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00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,360
Suit yourself.
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00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,240
Least you know where you are with
a pea.
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00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,280
I don't actually work here.
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00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,200
Hi. I'm Gnaeus Julius Agricola.
During the first century,
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00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,800
I was the Roman governor of Britain.
232
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,360
But what do you think I introduced
in Britain to make it feel
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00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,120
more like home for us Romans?
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00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,240
Did I...?
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00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,680
And the answer is...
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00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:20,880
..all three.
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00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:24,240
And life's much better now, isn't
it, my little Roman-Briton friend?
238
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,160
Uh...I guess.
239
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,960
And some of our traditions have
survived, like our horse jewellery.
240
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,800
Ooh! We'll have that.
241
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,080
On the other hand, we have lost
242
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,560
quite a lot of our Briton ways,
too.
243
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,560
But, on the plus side, these togas
are nice and airy.
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00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:40,280
Agh! You're supposed to use
the bathhouses, not just build them.
245
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,120
Oh, sorry. Blech!
GNAEUS VOMITS
246
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,040
Hey, besties!
247
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,960
This week has been absolutely wild
248
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,480
here in our new Roman colony
of Britain,
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00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,200
what with my epic toga haul... Toga!
250
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,120
..and my sick
amphitheatre trip. Sick!
251
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:03,240
So I've headed down to the new hot
spot called the Aquae Sulis.
252
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,040
It's a huge heated Roman bath
complex,
253
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,680
probably the first of its kind in
Britain.
254
00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:15,920
So I brought my BSF, or best slave
forever, Mel...
255
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,960
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
..because she's amazing
256
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,400
and I love her!
257
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,840
Also, I need someone to pop
my pimples.
258
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,000
She's super loving it!
259
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,720
So, yeah. This is a caldarium, which
means hot bath,
260
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,960
and it's been heated by three
different thermal springs.
261
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,120
Isn't science sick?
262
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,160
SPLASHING
Mind out. What are you doing?!
263
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,880
Oh, sorry. I'm just chucking some
coins
264
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,280
into the spring for good luck.
265
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,960
If you really want some good luck,
266
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,040
ditch the beard and get a toga.
CHEERING
267
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,880
You look like you're about to tame
an owl and start a folk band. Ha!
268
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:50,920
Am I right?
269
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,440
I'm already in a folk band,
actually. Really good, as well.
270
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,720
OWL HOOTS, FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
271
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,080
As I was say... Seriously?!
272
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,200
You're throwing crockery at me now?
Yeah!
273
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,520
It's an ancient Briton tradition.
274
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,320
We give all sorts of
offerings to the water.
275
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,240
Bowls... Oh!
..plates... Ouch!
276
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,720
..jewellery, bracelets...
Oh. Ow! Ah, cheers. Mel!
277
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:15,920
So, besties, the Roman baths can be
super-relaxing, but watch out
278
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:17,680
for this beardie weirdie
279
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,920
throwing treasure at you!
280
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,320
Oh, no, no, no. It's not just me.
281
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,440
All right, Kev?! Hi, guys. No! Oh!
282
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,160
This is not a relaxing day at the
spa!
283
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,800
I don't know, I'm having fun.
284
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,200
Oh, no! Agh! Don't forget to like
and subscribe!
285
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,000
Thumbs up. Yeah...
286
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,760
The houses of the past transformed
into the Roman houses of the future.
287
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,320
Welcome to Your Home Made Roman.
288
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,840
Today, two Briton homeowners
289
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,840
meet with Roman architect
Frontius... Hi. ..to see
290
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,280
what can be done to bring their home
up to the first century.
291
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,000
As they say in Rome,
292
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,200
let's go inside.
293
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,160
You know what? I think they say
that everywhere.
294
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,880
So, this is a typical Briton's home.
295
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:04,840
Oh, I can see why a change is
needed!
296
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,280
How long have you been living in
these terrible conditions? Oi!
297
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,760
Our family's been living on
this farm for hundreds of years.
298
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:11,880
This land is...
299
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:15,560
Oh, and the land is what we adore.
The views as I came in... Mm.
300
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:18,440
..oh, magnificent. Cheers.
We farm it ourselves.
301
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,400
But the house itself... Eh, savage.
Oh!
302
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:26,160
So please join me on
Your Home Made Roman.
303
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,560
VR headsets on, everyone!
304
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,920
So, this is your house.
305
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,880
Look how the round walls
bring everyone together.
306
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,640
It's awful.
307
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:44,440
But, with a few tiny changes, such
as knocking the whole thing down,
308
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:48,520
we can build a fantastic new Roman
villa.
309
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,480
OK, this is nice.
And check out these mod cons!
310
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,920
We've got this underfloor heating
system called a hypocaust,
311
00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:00,640
plus running water, and we've even
added a latrine.
312
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,080
A toilet, for poo-poo.
313
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:07,400
Inside?! You dirty... No, no, no.
Look.
314
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,040
You just pop your bottom
over the plop hole and...
315
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,440
HE FARTS
Ah.
316
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,600
Oh, goodness. That is posh.
317
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,400
I just remembered that's virtual
reality.
318
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,720
Sorry.
319
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,920
So, what do you think?
320
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,000
We loved it!
321
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,560
I couldn't believe it was still my
own home!
322
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,240
Oh, no. It's not going to be your
home.
323
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,800
It's going to be theirs.
324
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,160
Who are they? That's the
Roman general and his wife.
325
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:36,160
A home like this is not
for the likes of you.
326
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,800
They're going to be taking the villa
327
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,920
and the land it sits on.
COW MOOS
328
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,920
You can't ask us to leave our own
home!
329
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,120
I'm not asking.
330
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,880
On the other hand, it is only some
round walls, thatched roofing and
331
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,760
centuries of history and family
tradition.
332
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:54,040
So, Frontius, you've really designed
the perfect Roman home for them.
333
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,400
Say goodbye, Presto and Alumina.
334
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,040
No, seriously, you need to leave
now.
335
00:14:58,040 --> 00:14:59,760
Come on. It's not my fault!
336
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,080
Those dang Romans!
337
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,440
And there you have it -
338
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,920
the Romans weren't really here to
IMPROVE the lives of Britons at all,
339
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,200
they were here to improve their own
lives!
340
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,080
Well, we are more important.
341
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,720
No offence.
SHE SCOFFS
342
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,760
We needed to fight back and get the
Romans to leave our lands.
343
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:15,880
SOUND OF BATTLE ECHOES
344
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:20,440
I led my people, the Iceni, in a
revolt against the Romans in 60 AD.
345
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:21,960
You'd think all the other Britons
346
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,760
would have rallied to our cause,
but no.
347
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,760
Some were too busy fighting
each other
348
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,120
and others even fought alongside the
Romans!
349
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,680
Sorting out the beefs of the past...
350
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:37,920
I don't care if Spartan soldiers DO
fight in the nude, Mr Leonidas...
351
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,920
..with the justice of today...
352
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,640
..in my courtroom, you WILL wear
trousers.
353
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,400
Welcome to Time Beefs with Judge
Rinder.
354
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,440
Today in the courtroom,
355
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,120
it's Queen Cartimandua
356
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,040
of the ancient British Brigante
tribe
357
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,880
against her husband, King Venutius.
358
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,080
I LOVE married couples on the show!
359
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,680
She's a dirty traitor, your honour!
360
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,000
He's the traitor!
THEY BICKER
361
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,600
Oh, I should have seen that coming.
362
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,320
Right, come on, then!
363
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,560
Put those swords down! What on earth
is going on?
364
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:10,680
She sided with the Romans and
turned on her own people.
365
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,480
You betrayed us! You betrayed me!
366
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,680
Right, I've had enough of this.
Right...
367
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,320
Oi! Put the weapons down! I'm a
judge, not a couple's therapist.
368
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,200
How is any of this squabbling
relevant in any event?
369
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,960
Because it started a civil war.
370
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,120
People who supported her
versus people who supported me!
371
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,640
Our tribe fighting itself
372
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,240
when we SHOULD have been fighting
the Romans!
373
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:35,040
He started the civil war! I ended
it by beating him -
374
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,960
with a little support from the
Romans, so sue me!
375
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,600
That I am! Right! I've had
enough, now! Come on, then!
376
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,040
THEY SQUABBLE
It probably would have been best
377
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,560
to search people for weapons BEFORE
people came into court, bailiff.
378
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,840
Look, I assume the two of you want a
divorce, yes?
379
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:53,960
No! I just want you to order her to
stop talking to the Romans
380
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,240
and stay married to me!
381
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:56,720
You want to stay married,
382
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,720
even though the two of you fought a
civil war?
383
00:16:58,720 --> 00:16:59,880
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
384
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,920
Well, the heart wants
what it wants! My darling Carti,
385
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:07,160
I promise to make you the happiest
warrior queen in all Britain.
386
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,160
EMOTIONALLY: A proposal in court?
387
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,880
Oh, goodness me, I should have had
my hair done -
388
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,560
this clip is going to go viral!
389
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,200
Soz, Venutius, I've already
upgraded to a better husband...
390
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,240
ROMANTIC MUSIC FADES
391
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,600
..Vellocatus, he's such a hunk -
look!
392
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,640
SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYS
393
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,880
But he's my armour-bearer!
394
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,520
VELLOCATUS: Hey, no hard feelings,
mate, yeah?
395
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:24,880
JUDGE RINDER: Look, the only way to
resolve this
396
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,720
is through open and mindful
dialogue.
397
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:32,200
Or...a war! You're going down,
Carti. Someone bring me my armour -
398
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,000
NOT you! No hard feelings, mate.
399
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,320
Whatevs. I'm leaving the country
anyway
400
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,840
and I'm way too good for you! Bye!
401
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,120
JUDGE RINDER SIGHS
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
402
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,600
I had a celebratory romantic dinner
planned.
403
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,160
I've got a free evening!
404
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,680
Eh, come on, then. Get in!
405
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,720
JUDGE RINDER: What a cute couple.
Case dismissed.
406
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,720
MOB SHOUTS
407
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,800
Sometimes, life moves fast
408
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,160
and, as a Roman in Britain,
409
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,600
we understand how quickly we might
have to move with it.
410
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,000
Love, we have to get out of here.
411
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,560
We need to leave our valuables
behind
412
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:06,920
if we're going to travel quickly.
413
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,360
The rebelling tribes are almost
here. We can't take everything!
414
00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:11,360
WAILING: No-o-o!
415
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,680
That's why we at Hoards Bank
416
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,200
have come up with the perfect way
417
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,640
for you to keep your money safe
418
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:16,960
when you're in a hurry...
419
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,120
CASH REGISTER CHIMES
420
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,760
..by digging a hole and burying your
gold in the ground.
421
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,040
Really?
422
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,840
The Celts are coming, run for your
lives!
423
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,440
Burying your valuables
424
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,440
is the perfect, 100% self-service
425
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,840
Roman saving scheme.
426
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,280
CHUCKLING: And opening your account
couldn't be simpler!
427
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,800
That's it, let's go! Come on!
428
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,320
In your Hoards Bank account -
429
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,080
or "hole", as we call them,
430
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,560
your pot of valuables is safe.
431
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,800
And, at the end of the savings
period,
432
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,520
you'll get back EXACTLY what you put
in - plus interest,
433
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,040
or "mud", as we call it!
434
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,640
And maybe some worms, too!
435
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,560
You can keep those! Yum!
436
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:05,440
Thousands of Romans use Hoards Bank
in Britain alone.
437
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,720
So, when you're going to be away
from home or under attack,
438
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,560
why not bury those worries?
439
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,400
Keeping your valuables safe for one
month,
440
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,400
one year, or even forever -
441
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,240
if you've forgotten where you buried
it!
442
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,680
HE CHUCKLES
WAILING: Oh, no!
443
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,480
HE WAILS
444
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,760
HE CHUCKLES
445
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:25,960
Hoards Bank -
446
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,160
keeping your valuables REALLY safe.
447
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,320
YELLING: Why am I so forgetful?!
448
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,520
HE CHUCKLES
449
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,440
Hey, guys,
450
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,000
I know what you're thinking -
451
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,880
"That soldier's hair's looking..."
452
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:38,960
SINGS: "..fi-i-ine!"
453
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,000
HE CHUCKLES
454
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,920
"How does he stay so up-to-date with
fashions in Rome
455
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,800
"when he's stuck in the middle of
nowhere?"
456
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:47,880
Ha-ha, I know! Well, it's true. I've
been stationed in our new territory,
457
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,400
Britannia, for a while now.
458
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,600
But, even this far away from home,
459
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,320
me and the others have a cle-e-ever
way of staying current
460
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,680
with Roman fashions. So, do we...?
461
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,040
The answer is C.
462
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:15,360
We use the latest coins that come
over from Italy - like this, ha!
463
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,080
They have pictures on them of our
rulers' heads,
464
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,240
and they always have the hottest new
hairstyles.
465
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,640
Yeah! Look at that!
466
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,200
You know what? I think this might be
the emperor's mum on the coin...
467
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,080
Hmm. Still, she looks fantastic.
468
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:30,720
CALLING: Barber!
469
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,560
One part of Britain the romans
really struggled to conquer
470
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:34,720
was Scotland.
471
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,680
We Picts were wa-a-ay too feisty for
them to handle and so, in the end,
472
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,000
they built Hadrian's Wall to block
us out - rude!
473
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,560
The Roman soldier babies also
didn't like
474
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,200
the lovely Scottish weather,
so the Romans started wearing
475
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,480
new British clothes to keep
themselves warm and dry.
476
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,800
THUNDER BOOMS
477
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,520
Aah, you've got to love the summer.
478
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,440
As Romans, we all like to look good.
479
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,000
With the Birrus Britannicus, you can
look good
480
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,960
AND be protected against the
elements.
481
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,720
Made from thick wool... WOOL!
482
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,080
..and held together with an
ornamental clasp... CLASP!
483
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,320
..the Birrus Britannicus is THE
hooded cloak from Britain
484
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,120
that's taking the Roman Empire by
storm.
485
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,400
So, when that storm hits...
486
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,200
..you're completely protected...
487
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,000
..and you still look good.
488
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,880
I wouldn't say, like, completely
protected.
489
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:36,240
HE COUGHS
490
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,480
The height of style, the Birrus
Britannicus works
491
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,920
for every occasion, but especially
for when the weather is bad.
492
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,920
I wasn't even wearing the cloak that
time, guys!
493
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,760
Will you stop doing that?
494
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,400
The Birrus Britannicus makes you
look hot -
495
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,200
even when the weather's not!
496
00:21:56,560 --> 00:22:00,400
Buy now from your local Roman Empire
fashion outlet.
497
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:01,840
Yeah, it's not bad, actually.
498
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:05,880
So, uh, yes, as you can see -
499
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,680
fashion and style were VERY
important to us Romans,
500
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,640
unlike some people I could mention.
501
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,680
Hey, I have style!
502
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,600
Oh, yes? What do you call this?
503
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,760
I call it "Woman with Sword."
504
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,480
Ah, OK, you make a good point.
Moving on then...
505
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,760
To us Romans, coins weren't just
money -
506
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,720
or a way of giving fashion advice -
507
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,360
they also helped show who was in
charge of the Empire -
508
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,120
although that could be hard to keep
track of.
509
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,560
In the third century AD,
we underwent a bit of a crisis,
510
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,320
emperors kept getting assassinated
and, at one point,
511
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,720
several different people all claimed
to be Emperor at the same time!
512
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,640
Please put that down.
513
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,000
Make me.
514
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,360
SHE WHISTLES
Ave, shopkeeper
515
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:48,680
Ave right back at ya,
mate. What can I do for you?
516
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,400
Well, you can bow to your Emperor.
517
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,720
Is that the Emperor?
No. I'm the Emperor.
518
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,560
Feel free to bow.
Shouldn't have to ask, really.
519
00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:00,080
Well, I don't recognise you from any
of the coins. Really? Check them.
520
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:05,320
N...o. No.
521
00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,280
Honestly, it's pretty hard to tell -
522
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,360
there's been 27 Emperors in 50
years.
523
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,400
We've got two emperors at the same
time at the moment,
524
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,800
Diocletian and Maximian,
525
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,160
and you don't look like either of
them.
526
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,160
That's because I'm the third
Emperor
527
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,920
and now would be a good time to bow.
528
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:24,680
Still no? OK. Carausius?
529
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,520
Declared myself Emperor of Britain
and bits of Gaul? Mm-mm.
530
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:31,240
Got a coin, this proves it.
Bow time?
531
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:35,000
That doesn't prove nothing! You can
put anything on a coin nowadays.
532
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,200
I got bored the other day,
put my own face on a coin.
533
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:43,160
Unbelievable! You're going to bow to
her on the basis of one coin?!
534
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:44,440
Where's my bow?!
535
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,520
I'm the actual Emperor!
536
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:50,040
Well, my plan as Emperor... Pretend
Emperor. Actual Emperor!
537
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,680
..is to make it so there is just one
set of coins.
538
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,960
Mine! Then everyone
knows what they're worth.
539
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,840
Because when people are making
their own coins,
540
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,080
most of them are worth nothing!
541
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,160
Oh, so you're saying, "The more
there are, the less they're worth."
542
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,480
Exactly.
543
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,880
So then it's just like Emperors.
544
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,800
Right. When I make my new coins,
you can't have any.
545
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:09,920
Mind my cabbages.
546
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,520
That's a bow! Finally!
Wasn't a bow!
547
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,560
It counts!
548
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:15,960
This guy.
549
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:18,520
And there you have it.
550
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:22,040
We Romans controlled Britain
until we left here in the early part
551
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,280
of the fifth century
552
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,480
and it's fair to say that, for
better or worse...
553
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,800
Worse, if you ask me.
No-one did.
554
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,560
For better or worse, we transformed
Britain while we were here.
555
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,400
Apparently it's customary to finish
with a song and, as luck
556
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:40,760
would have it, I am a skilled
musician, so it's time for your ears
557
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:43,240
to be bathed in the liquid gold
of a song
558
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,760
about the things we Romans
did for you.
559
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,120
No.
560
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,200
It's probably better for all of us
if someone else does a song.
561
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,880
Stabbed in the bag pipes.
562
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,200
Harsh.
563
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,200
Bye-bye. Take care.
MARCHING
564
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:05,200
Oh, well, after 400 years, the last
of the Romans has finally left.
565
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,640
Well, that's fine by me.
566
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,160
We don't need Rome any more.
567
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:10,200
If anything, we should be ruling
ourselves.
568
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,920
Oh, I don't know.
569
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,560
My whole life is Roman. Rubbish.
570
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:18,000
We were better off before the Romans
came and we'll be even better after.
571
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:23,240
savage before they arrived...
572
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,080
Hey!
573
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:33,120
by burning our convicts alive
574
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,920
one time, but two
575
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:46,800
over a crew who took over our isle
576
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,640
577
00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:56,720
578
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,400
579
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,440
580
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,400
581
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,720
582
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,200
583
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,520
number our years
584
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:21,000
for coming over here
585
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,520
586
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,680
587
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:39,160
sewers to make them smell nice
588
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,640
589
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,720
590
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:50,840
is always a laugh
591
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:52,400
592
00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,800
593
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:01,920
Romans...
594
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:04,480
FARTING
595
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:08,520
running
596
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:12,640
400 years what a ball
597
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,800
598
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,440
wall
599
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,800
600
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,120
601
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,840
to the Romans
602
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,760
603
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,920
Don't worry, love. We don't need the
604
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,280
Romans and their armies
605
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,080
and their stupid laws.
You know what?
606
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:47,640
It's the becoming of us.
607
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,920
Yes. The Britons finally standing
608
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,440
on our own two feet.
609
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,040
You know what?
You're right.
610
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:55,040
It is nice to be
independent again.
611
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,200
Just us Brits.
612
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,240
Just us Brits.
613
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:58,600
HORN BLOWING
Quintus?
614
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,800
Yeah? What's that noise?
BATTLE CRIES
615
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:04,040
BOTH: Saxon invasion! Run!
46397
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